BOFH: Saving the planet, one falsified metric at a time

BOFH logo telephone with devil's horns I'm stuck in a maze of twisty Company prerequisites. "I just need those figures for my report," the Boss asks. "Which figures were they?" I ask. "The ones about our environmental impact." "Ah yes, I remember now. For that certification you wanted to get." "WE want to get. Yes," the …

[Dr Paul Taylor]

Which side of the pond are you?

Throwing old computers in the Thames and then burning tires?

[Korev]

Re: Which side of the pond are you?

We're tyred of American English here

[Pascal Monett]

Re: Which side of the pond are you?

Actually, we're starting to get tired of America. Period.

[GBE]

Re: Which side of the pond are you?

Actually, we're starting to get tired of America. Period.

Not half as tired of it as those of us who are living in it.

[bombastic bob]

Re: Which side of the pond are you?

but it's been getting BETTER!!! I'm quite happy with things the way they're heading.

[MachDiamond]

Re: Which side of the pond are you?

"Not half as tired of it as those of us who are living in it."

I don't have to deal with "The Machine" so what the politicians are doing outside of those local to me, who could have an impact, doesn't matter a whole lot. I don't stand in my front yard with political signs being waved in one hand and a firearm in the other so there's no "citizens" being alarmed. I try not to bother others by adhering to the various forms of the Golden Rule and nobody is bothering me. I'm friendly with my neighbors and happy to lend a hand so they aren't going to be suspicious and spreading stories about the weird old hermit that potters about in his garden and workshop.

You can get away with all sorts of stuff if you work at blending into the background like Albert Spangler who is a far more realistic character than Lord Vetinari.

[danny_0x98]

Re: Which side of the pond are you?

The Clash mentioned that to me in the latter half of the 1970s.

[Anonymous Anti-ANC South African Coward]

Re: Which side of the pond are you?

His Trumpness is watching youse.

[frankvw]

Re: Which side of the pond are you?

"We're tyred of American English here"

You talk proper now boy, ya hear?

[KittenHuffer]

Re: Which side of the pond are you?

Waaaat we've got here is a failure to communicate!

Bonus points to those who know the film without practicing their Googlefu!

[David Robinson 1]

Re: Which side of the pond are you?

Given the price of eggs in the US these days, one scene would take up most of the film's budget.

[bombastic bob]

Re: Which side of the pond are you?

eggs are in the $3/dozen range last I looked. No more killing millions of hens because ONE of them coughed...

[MachDiamond]

Re: Which side of the pond are you?

"eggs are in the $3/dozen range last I looked."

With the latest recall I was worried, but at the discount grocery I found them at $1.57/dz. I bought two and planning to do more egg dishes this week. It's still too hot to be running the freeze dryer or I'd have bought 5dz for $7.50. I need to do that this winter. I oddly found a big lot of food grade heat sealable mylar bags at an estate sale so I'm going to lay in some long term supplies of things such as eggs as a buffer against another giant price spike. I'll have to suffer the going prices if I want whole eggs, but for many things, reconstituted scrambled is fine.

[FeRDNYC]

Re: Which side of the pond are you?

...You can freeze eggs?

[Paul Smith]

Re: Which side of the pond are you?

Cool hand Luke. Love the car wash scene.

[Herby]

Re: Which side of the pond are you?

Failure to communicate...

That was a topic of an essay I did for my junior (5th form) year at school. It was right after the movie came out. I took on the imperial vs. Metric system of measurements.

Yes, it was a long time ago. Yes, I am that old.

[GloriousVictoryForThePeople]

Re: Which side of the pond are you?

Which Imperium?

Trying to establish just how old.

[Aladdin Sane]

Re: Which side of the pond are you?

The Imperium of Man. Anything else is heresy.

[Sampler]

Re: Which side of the pond are you?

Trick question, it's from a g'n'r song...

[SVD_NL]

Re: Which side of the pond are you?

Probably makes more sense if the former is pronounced "Thaymes" ;)

[Charlie Clark]

Re: Which side of the pond are you?

Fancy a bridge to go with that?

[Korev]

Re: Which side of the pond are you?

That comment Towers above the rest

[a cynic writes...]

Re: Which side of the pond are you?

Which pond? Simon's a Kiwi.

[Hot Diggity]

Re: Which side of the pond are you?

Down here, we have a ditch instead of a pond. Which now that I think about it, probably explains a few things when it comes to BOFH body disposal

[Anonymous Coward]

Re: Which side of the pond are you?

> Down here, we have a ditch instead of a pond.

A shark infested ditch

> Which now that I think about it, probably explains a few things when it comes to BOFH body disposal

Especially given his abrupt move from a promising job as a government PFY in Melbourne, to the UK from in late December 1967

[Korev]

Re: Which side of the pond are you?

At some point in the late 90s / early 00s the BOFH moved to London.

Probably for the best as the PFY loves his Onion Bhajis and the Indian food is great there... (ring of fire icon -->)

[Ozan]

Re: Which side of the pond are you?

LinkedIn says he is in Waikato. Probably, London makes better background for stories. There was a time he worked in London. I remember it from his old web page. He sure loved that place.

[GrumpyKiwi]

Re: Which side of the pond are you?

Waikato - Gumboot University.

Where my ex-wife worked and moved around in much the same circles and was aquinted with him - or so she told me anyway.

[[e-mail]]

Re: Which side of the pond are you?

The indian food here in Auckland is a little differnt more of a Fiji Indian rather than a brick lane style...

Still better than my cooking in either camp

[Dave559]

Indian cuisines

"The indian food here in Auckland is a little differnt more of a Fiji Indian rather than a brick lane style..."

Ah, interesting, I know that a very significant proportion of Fiji's population is of Indian descent, but it would be interesting to know whether that has resulted in some sort of fusion cuisine, or whether it just means that Indian food in NZ is just much more representative of the specific regions of India where their ancestors originally came from, with the recipes still passed down through the generations? (Just like in the UK, where many Indian restaurants are actually more specifically Bangladeshi, or Punjabi, with south Indian cuisine (and many others) much less common in many places - and of course even these descriptions are greatly over-simplifying a very large and very diverse subcontinent (with lots of tasty foods!) very considerably!)

[Anonymous Coward]

Re: Indian cuisines

"in some sort of fusion cuisine"

I prefer fission cuisine...I can take out the bits I don't like then.

[Anonymous IV]

Re: Indian cuisines

> I prefer fission cuisine

That would be Fission Chips with the option of Mushy Pies?

[Brave Coward]

Re: Which side of the pond are you?

Smelling England by the pond, then ?

[Ken Shabby]

Re: Which side of the pond are you?

Knights of the Green Shield stamp and shout.

[Chloe Cresswell]

Re: Which side of the pond are you?

To be fir, if you are burning tires (the steel band on a cart wheel, or a railway wheel), I commend your devotion to overkill ;)

[bombastic bob]

Re: Which side of the pond are you?

I'm sure the BOFH had some thermite standing by for just that (and other) purpose(s)... just borrow a bit, as it's easy and cheap to make more.

[Aladdin Sane]

Re: Which side of the pond are you?

To be fair

[Diogenes8080]

Re: Which side of the pond are you?

Read the ancient scrolls on the origins of the BOfH. He learned his metier whilst working as an ex-pat in London.

[EvilDrSmith]

Re: Which side of the pond are you?

There is a Thames River on the left side of the pond as well as the right, and (having read the comments below), there is a Thames in New Zealand, though that's a town (but I think the river that runs through it was also called the Thames for a while?)

[Paul Kinsler]

Re: I think the river that runs through it was also called the Thames for a while?

Tis the Waihou now (or, rather, the Waihou _again_, I would imagine)

[blu3b3rry]

Sometimes it would be lovely if waste disposal was that easy

At least this boss was "encouraged" to leave under his own terms rather than ending up in the stormwater sump in the basement. Or a rapid exit via the window. Maybe we can put that down to a remarkable sense of self-preservation, dangerous when found in manglement.

[Jellied Eel]

Re: Sometimes it would be lovely if waste disposal was that easy

At least this boss was "encouraged" to leave under his own terms rather than ending up in the stormwater sump in the basement. Or a rapid exit via the window. Maybe we can put that down to a remarkable sense of self-preservation, dangerous when found in manglement.

Sadly, many manglers do have that sense of self-preservation. BOFHs can always help with that by ensuring there are always plenty of barrels of vinegar for the manglement to fall into. This would also give a saving of roughly 250kg CO2e, plus as you're also preserving/sequestering around 18.5% carbon by mangler mass, can generate more carbon offsets. Then to increase efficiency and sustainability, the strapline that got me fired from Black & Decker's marketing department. Hear no evil, see no evil, buy a wood chipper. The vinegar can also be justified as a sustainable, organic and environmentally friendly cleaning solution. Might even be able to flog that as Embalmsamic Vinegar.

[Richard 12]

Quite right, too

A woodchipper makes an horrendous mess, forensic evidence everywhere

[bombastic bob]

Re: Quite right, too

not if you bag and incinerate what's left

[John Brown (no body)]

Re: Quite right, too

Then burn the woodchipper. And everything within about 10 metres? Got get every bit of spatter :-)

[MachDiamond]

Re: Quite right, too

"Then burn the woodchipper. And everything within about 10 metres? Got get every bit of spatter :-)"

Tow it out to sea/lake on a small boat and sink the lot when finished. Trying to clean and reuse the chipper is too risky.

[Michael H.F. Wilkinson]

Hilarious!!

"... to announce the Boss's decision to pursue employment opportunities in the energy sector in a more deregulated environment."

Absolutely brilliant

[LogicGate]

Somewhere I have a picture that I made many moons ago.

It is of a CRT monitor floating n a canal. The weight distribution of a CRT being what it is, it floats display up with enough stability that a duck can comfortably rest on the display without creating any undue stability issues. Now I know the back-story.

The BOFH gets around.

[The Oncoming Scorn]

Friday Silliness - Are We Fixating On Ducks Today?

Sir Bedevere: So, how do we tell if she is made of wood?

P1: Build a bridge out of her?

Sir Bedevere: Ahh, but can you not also make bridges out of stone?

P1: Oh yeah...

Sir Bedevere: Does wood sink in water?

P1: No

P3: No. It floats!

P1: Let's throw her into the bog! (yeah yeah ya!)

Sir Bedevere: What also floats in water?

P1: Bread

P3: Apples

P2: Very small rocks

P1: Cider

P3: Grape gravy

P1: Cherries

P3: Mud

King Arthur: A Duck on a CRT monitor!

[Anonymous Coward]

And of course ...

there were never any CRT monitors, heaters or tyres — invoices and payments for purchase and disposal; yes. The Simon and Stephen Ale appreciation and Indian Fine Dining club being the main beneficiary.

Unfortunately this nonsense is not far from the truth. There seems to be a Green·washing scandal every other week — at least outside the US.

Simon's scheme would be SOP in the US and probably win a Chamber of Commerce award for climate innovation.

[MiguelC]

Re: And of course ...

Establishing a dreadful baseline from which you can only improve is SOP in any sector - whenever you can get away with it.

[Sam not the Viking]

Re: And of course ...

If we had two machines which demonstrated slightly different characteristics on something like vibration, we would say: "This machine is excellent, and the other is even better!"

[Brave Coward]

There seems to be a Green·washing scandal every other week

In France, TotalEnergies (fancy new name for good old French Company of Petroleum) has just been condemned for greenwashing the other day.

[Xalran]

Re: There seems to be a Green·washing scandal every other week

Nothing new whezn you know the history... Total Energies was once upon a time called Total-Fina-Elf after the mergger of the 3 bits... and Elf has vast list of scandals

Oil Sniffer planes scandal

I couldn't find an English version of that one :

Elf Affair

It was one of the political and Industrial candal in France.

the whole history of Elf (now Total Energies) :

Elf

[PB90210]

Re: And of course ...

The UK has the Drax power station... converted from burning nasty old coal to burning 'environmentally cleaner' wood pellets.

It rapidly went from wood pellets from sawdust and waste wood offcuts to having to import pellets from as far away as Canada

It also promised to use 'carbon capture' technology that never got beyond the prototype stage

[Anonymous Coward]

Re: And of course ...

"that never got beyond the prototype stage"

Come on man, you can't collect R&D tax credits on a finished product, you'll never rank amongst the top dogs if you release finished, working, products.

[Anonymous Coward]

Re: And of course ...

In my part of the US, a company did an advertising campaign talking about how they were supplying communities with clean water after their wells were contaminated. Of course, that company was the one who contaminated the wells, and the courts ordered them to supply the water, but you know marketing...

[PB90210]

Re: And of course ...

The UK has a charity called WaterAid that provides clean water to communities in Africa... unfortunately it is backed by the very water companies that are (illegally) dumping [poo emoji] into the streams, rivers and coastline around the UK

[bombastic bob]

Re: And of course ...

Fortunately, in the USA (2025), any perceived need for "green-washing" has EVAPORATED! Farmers will also enjoy NOT having CO2 pipes forcibly planted across their fields...

[goblinski]

It could be me, but I have the feeling BOFH is becoming meaner and meaner lately...

That night, I had a dream. I drifted off thinking about happiness, birth and new life, But now I was haunted by a vision of... He was horrible. The lone biker of apocalypse.

A man with all the powers of Hell at his command. He could turn turn the day into night and lay to waste everything in his path.

He was especially hard on little things-the helpless and the gentle creatures. He left a scorched earth in his wake befouling even the sweet desert breeze that whipped across his brow. I didn't know where he came from or why. I didn't know if he was dream or vision. But I feared that I myself had unleashed him. For he was the fury that would be as soon as Florence Arizona found her little Nathan gone

[bombastic bob]

A meaner, grumpier old Simon

he's getting old, and less tolerant of bureaucratic B.S., and has a tremendous level of confidence from all of that relevant experience...

No worries until he starts yelling at clouds.

[Anonymous Coward]

Re: A meaner, grumpier old Simon

Unless those clouds are AWS, GCP, or Azure.

[Obsidian_Sifaka]

Re: A meaner, grumpier old Simon

It's ok for him to be yelling at clouds as long as its Azure, AWS, GCP, or OCI. Possibly some of the other ones as well.

[Kurt 5]

Usual impact

When I saw "environmental impact" I thought it was going to be theBoss impacting the ground level environment.

[bombastic bob]

Re: Usual impact

another window-related accident... *sigh*

[Rodrigo Valenzuela]

Blaming everything on "AI hallucination" may be the best use for them.

Corporate will always need sacrificial victims.

R

[Anonymous Coward]

That will only work if an AI can hold a minor executive position in between the top level managers and top execs so they can be fired to show some action has taken place.

[TeeCee]

Saving the planet, one falsified metric at a time

Isn't that Ed Milliband's job description?

[Anonymous Coward]

A delightful greenwashing story!

I'm getting tired of the constant stream of internal greenwashing stories which arrive in my email on a nearly daily basis from the corporate marketing droids where I work.

They ramble on about how we've quadrupled the number of electric vehicles we have over just three years. They boldly assume that this is "fossil free" and "zero emissions", all without a shred of evidence.

It's all about looking and sounding like you're doing the right thing.

[stiine]

Re: A delightful greenwashing story!

You haven't learned that anything from marketing is bullshit yet?

[Dwarf]

Memories of metrics

This reminds me of a previous employer, who decided that performance would be measured by the number of helpdesk (*) tickets that were resolved. Everyone decided to game the system by racing for all the simple tickets such as password resets and new software installs. Anything at all difficult would fall further down the queue and not get fixed. This didn't help those on 2nd or 3rd line support where it might take weeks to fix that hard to find problem that affects everyone, but you only got one mark for it.. Luckily that method of metrics didn't last too long and it got quietly shelved when it was demonstrated to be a stupid metric that was easily gamed.

(*) Yes, I know its all service desks now, but this was well before that re-branding, which incidentally I think was bad, since getting help is much more important than gettting service, since I can get bad service or no service, yet all I really want is some help to sort out the issue. The only time its the opposite way around is when its a mobile phone signal.

Even the name of the well known product in the service management space is a bit misleading. ServiceNow. How about ServiceSometimeAfterManyEscalations ?