back to article BOFH: Peeling back the layers of the magic banana industrial complex

BOFH logo telephone with devil's horns "I got an interesting email this morning," the Boss says, lurching over to the cafeteria table where the PFY and I are seated. "Oh yes?" the PFY asks, encouraging him to share, for some inexplicable reason. "Yes! It was from an industry body that..." "Was it an industry body, though, …

  1. Hot Diggity

    And then...

    Microsoft will implement its slightly differing implementation of the Magic Banana Standard which will convert banana splits into banana s***s and it's all downhill from there

    1. LogicGate Silver badge

      Re: And then...

      In in an undocumented (even internally) binary blob.

      1. phuzz Silver badge

        Re: And then...

        Which will end up becoming a de-facto standard anyway, causing arguments in the Linux community about supporting it.

        (Meanwhile Apple implement their own version which has some benefits, but is totally locked to the Apple ecosystem)

        1. LogicGate Silver badge

          Re: And then...

          And somewhat later, the Linux implementation of the Microsoft Magic Banana Parser will become so much more consistent than the original Microsoft parser that it becomes standard procedure to use the Linux version to recover and re-save damaged Microsoft Magic Bananas which the Microsoft Magic Banana Parser could no longer parse.

        2. Hot Diggity

          Re: And then...

          An Apple implementation of the Banana standard can only resemble a fruit salad which will soon become the basis for a trifle

        3. Ian Johnston Silver badge

          Re: And then...

          The Linux community will produce 114 different version of the Magic Banana and claim that this is a good thing.

          1. LogicGate Silver badge

            Re: And then...

            And the Openana will be forked by Librenana after the owners of Openana finds it hard to make money on Openana and gives up on investing in further development.

          2. theDeathOfRats

            Re: And then...

            Obviously, with Magic and Linux nerds involved, some of the forks will be named Bananana, Banananana, and so forth, adding to the confusion and increasing the chances of a na in the middle attack.

            "Nanny Ogg knew how to start spelling 'banana', but didn't know how you stopped."

            GNU TERRY PRATCHETT

      2. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: And then...

        Surely a banana blob(tm)?

    2. ComputerSays_noAbsolutelyNo Silver badge

      Re: And then...

      Not to forget Banana as a Service, with subscription

    3. Hawkeye Pierce

      Re: And then...

      Obligatory post:

      https://xkcd.com/927

    4. david 12 Silver badge

      Re: And then...

      You have the history wrong. The BOFH has the history correct. MS came out with IE6 before the "slightly different standards" were designed (including the features invented for IE3,4,and 5), to exclude MS and IE6. The standards were, and are, a late-stage feature.

    5. Doctor Syntax Silver badge

      Re: And then...

      I can't help thinking that the Cavendish Lab should be involved in all this.

  2. Blofeld's Cat
    Mushroom

    Followed by ...

    A flame war* between influencers who state that green bananas contain the most magic, and pseudoscientists who claim that they need to ripen to yellow, before their full potential is reached.

    Both sides will consider the brown banana faction as being unredeemable heretics.

    * Or possibly the more traditional type of war.

    1. Michael H.F. Wilkinson Silver badge
      Mushroom

      HERESY!!!!

      TRULY MAGIC BANANAS ARE PURPLE!!!!!

      1. Alister

        Re: HERESY!!!!

        No, those are bent aubergines, and nothing good will ever come from them.

        1. Michael H.F. Wilkinson Silver badge
          Coat

          Re: HERESY!!!!

          Truly magic ones should really be octarine, according to my cat, but they look purple to me.

          Doffs hat (grey Tilley today) to the late, great sir Terry Pratchett

          1. M.V. Lipvig Silver badge

            Re: HERESY!!!!

            Greenish purple, actually.

          2. Anonymous Coward
            Anonymous Coward

            Re: HERESY!!!!

            "magic ones should really be octarine"

            And taste of tin.

            † Sn

        2. Snowy Silver badge
          Coat

          Re: HERESY!!!!

          Are there none bent ones?

    2. steelpillow Silver badge
      Joke

      The Banana Wars

      "Come at me with that banana. Hold it like that, that's it. Now attack me with it. Come on! Come on! Come at me!"

      1. Sam not the Viking Silver badge
        Pint

        Re: The Banana Wars

        Bang!

        "Next: I eat the banana."

        Or ----->

      2. UCAP Silver badge

        Re: The Banana Wars

        Ook!

        With apologies to all Librarians anywhere and anywhen. Now please stop hitting me.

    3. Andrew Scott Bronze badge

      Re: Followed by ...

      just put them in an atmosphere of ethylene that'll turn them yellow, they just won't be ripe for eating or powering your car.

  3. Doctor Syntax Silver badge

    +1 for the millimusa.

    1. 0xF09F8687

      A new unit needs to be added to El Reg's calculator

      https://www.theregister.com/Design/page/reg-standards-converter.html

      1. parlei
  4. Elongated Muskrat Silver badge
    Coat

    Finally someone will realise

    That the magic banana isn't actually magic, or a banana, but is actually a turd painted yellow.

    Am I doing this analogy thing right?

    1. LogicGate Silver badge

      Re: Finally someone will realise

      Nope, it is orange, and it is shaped more like a small mushroom.

      1. Chloe Cresswell Silver badge

        Re: Finally someone will realise

        Better then a small off duty Czechoslovakian traffic warden?

        1. bemusedHorseman
          Pint

          Re: Finally someone will realise

          Oof, now that is a reference I haven't thought about in a long time. ...It also implies that Czechia and Slovakia merged back together by that time...

          1. nobody who matters Silver badge

            Re: Finally someone will realise

            The episode of Red Dwarf (S4E1 "Camille") that the quote "It's a small, off-duty Czechoslovakian traffic warden" comes from was first broadcast on 14th February 1991, which was almost 2 years before Czechoslovakia was split into the Czech Republic and Slovakia at the end of 1992.

            At the time, the writers would not have known that..

            1. nobody who matters Silver badge

              Re: Finally someone will realise

              Just in case there happens to be someone reading this who isn't familiar with Red Dwarf, the clip is here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8525OKIhwqk

              1. BenDwire Silver badge

                Re: Finally someone will realise

                Surely the Venn diagram depicting El Reg readers, and Red Dwarf watchers would look like the infinity symbol, or Ouroboros. (See what I did there?)

                1. Elongated Muskrat Silver badge

                  Re: Finally someone will realise

                  Our Rob or Ross?

        2. Anonymous Coward
          Anonymous Coward

          Re: Finally someone will realise

          "Better then a small off duty Czechoslovakian traffic warden?"

          Which when dubbed into Czech is apparently:

          "Better than an off-duty assistant of a Tasmanian traffic warden!"

    2. Dizzy Dwarf

      Re: Finally someone will realise

      I thought my banana smoothie tasted weird.

      1. TeeCee Gold badge

        Re: Finally someone will realise

        Magic depletion. That can happen.

        1. John Brown (no body) Silver badge

          Re: Finally someone will realise

          Especially when it's well aged and gets wrinkled and droopy

  5. Roger Kynaston
    Go

    Get the courts (us) involved

    A new upstart will “find” their own new magic banana. The original discoverer of the magic banana will spend $squillions on lawywers trying to prove that the new magic banana is actually the same and so they are entitled to all the money made from the “new” magic banana - ad infinitum.

    Then the growers of the magic bananas will sue both companies for stealing their musa magicali!

  6. herman Silver badge

    Fruit Loops

    All the Sloshdat fruitcakes have gone loopy today.

  7. Locky

    And after all these arguments have died down Apple will register a patent, call a press conference and....

    The iNana is born

    1. Roger Kynaston
      Mushroom

      Apple

      Not a iNana but an iBan. Then the banking world will sue them for confusing international money transfers.

      1. Filippo Silver badge

        Re: Apple

        Or, more likely, Apple will sue the banking world for confusing iBan users.

        1. nobody who matters Silver badge

          Re: Apple

          iBan users are easily confused.

          1. John Brown (no body) Silver badge

            Re: Apple

            You're holding it wrong!!

      2. Evil Scot Silver badge

        Re: Apple

        Because International banking would not let it be.

    2. PB90210 Silver badge

      After all, banana is just an apple with very rounded corners

    3. KarMann Silver badge
      Joke

      Then, Berk Breathed files the trademark suit based on the prior art* of the Banana Junior 6000.

      * Yes, crossing the trademark & patent streams, but with the benefit of allowing the 'art' pun.

    4. WageSlave5678

      ... which can only be grown in Apple's Magic Walled Garden ... and for which Apple take a 30% slice off each over-priced fruit.

  8. seven of five Silver badge

    Banana!

    Banana!Banana!Banana!

    Baa-na-na...

    - Kevin

    1. PB90210 Silver badge

      Re: Banana!

      One banana, two banana, three banana, four.

      Four bananas make a bunch and so do many more.

    2. cmdrklarg

      Re: Banana!

      Baaaa na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na

      Batmaaaaaan!

  9. Sam not the Viking Silver badge
    Pint

    Not bananas

    At last, I understand what our new boss thought he was eating when he declared to his supremos: "I will double our turnover within two years and reduce costs at the same time." He never disclosed his plan to us doubters, nor it seems to his controllers who wisely asked how things were going after twelve months had passed. Pointing to the accounts ledger, they intimated that things were not going well....

    Inexplicably, there followed a spot-check for drugs in the Executives Wash Room (we only had one executive).

    He was getting inspiration from the 'fast-food' delivery man but it wasn't bananas.

    Just like that, he was gone! Magic ----->

  10. Boris the Cockroach Silver badge
    Pint

    All this does

    is prove how monty python could predict the future with unerring accuracy

    "Thus it is proved that the earth is in fact, banana shaped"

    Beer... because the earth goes whatever shape it wants after enough of them....

  11. ben kendim

    It's time we celebrate the Banana!!!

    https://youtu.be/wCkerYMffMo?si=TjP7c379JNvi1KaE

    1. J. Cook Silver badge
      Pint

      Re: It's time we celebrate the Banana!!!

      I see your song, and raise you these two:

      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yModCU1OVHY

      and

      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YO7M0Hx_1D8

      It's time for a pint... just not a banana flavored one.

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: It's time we celebrate the Banana!!!

        I disagree a little on that one. There used to be a really good banana bread beer in the UK. They changed the recipe now though and it just tastes of chemicals now. I'm very bitter about it.

  12. spuck

    Magic Banana Certifications

    Simon forgot about the whole industry that will spring up selling vague training "bootcamps" and certifications.

    I look forward to my Peeler Associate 3-day seminar and my Smoothie Architect certificate will look great framed.

    1. John Brown (no body) Silver badge

      Re: Magic Banana Certifications

      Microsoft Banana Associate? :-)

  13. bemusedHorseman
    Alien

    ...How appropriate, I literally just rewatched the "Cream" video the other day and it follows almost exactly the same path.

  14. Alistair
    Windows

    To bring the gen alphas in

    Where are the magic chicken?

  15. Big_Boomer

    Bananaman ROOLS!!!! (drools?)

    https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bananaman

  16. Zürich Gnome

    Best description yet of the Gardener Hype Cycle.

    As title.

  17. Grant Alexander

    Someone has observed the kiwifruit industry.

  18. Androgynous Cow Herd Silver badge

    Ring ring ring ring ring ring ring!

    Bananaphooooone

  19. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Scarily True

    As someone whose career was closely tied to several ISO standards, this is so scarily true. My own response, when people hype up a particular standard, is to point out that (if it's from ISO) that it's the lowest everyone on the committee could agree on. Rather than being touted as the goal of greatness, it's actually the minimum that anyone should even contemplate as just about acceptable. And don't forget that one of the biggest problem with standards is that there's so many of them!

    <rambling mode>

    As an aside, "standard" is one of the words I use when showing how language changes. Early in the 20th century, there was a UK car manufacturer called "Standard", and they built some very good cars. "Standard" was a term used for a flag of honour - troops would follow their standard into battle (albeit not quite so literally by the 20th century). The Standard Car Company was one to follow as their name was a badge of excellence. In 1944, Standard bought out another car manufacturer called "Triumph". The name of the company "Standard-Triumph" eventually changed to just "Triumph" as it was seen to be more marketable. One reason was that "standard" had taken on the connotation of, well, just bog-standard - nothing special. "Standard" had evolved from excellence to barely acceptable.

    </rambling mode>

    1. Terry 6 Silver badge

      Re: Scarily True

      See also "Standard Fireworks". Sadly pretty much replaced by often sub-standard Chinese imports.

      1. Excused Boots Silver badge

        Re: Scarily True

        Didn’t adverts on the TV for them have a catchy “light up the sky with Standard Fireworks” refrain?

        1. Terry 6 Silver badge

          Re: Scarily True

          Yep.

  20. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Magic banana seeds?

    Just as good as the non magical banana ones.

    I suppose the PFY wasn't just taking the piss out of the UK standards body? BS 7799 - magic banana (bio)security for manglement?

    A pleasant surprise that someone else also remembered the Banana Splits and Banana Man.

    1. John Brown (no body) Silver badge

      Re: Magic banana seeds?

      Anyone else remember The Dickies punk rendition of The Banana Splits song?

  21. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    "educators will appear, like turds on the surface of a septic tank"

    Clearly a dysfunctional septic tank at that.

    "Wastewater enters the first chamber of the tank, allowing solids to settle and scum to float."

    In the part of the world where we were, the accepted remedy for pongy septic tank was to fling a dead cat into it.

    † where disambiguation from a left Pondian might then have also been required; not so much today.

    1. PB90210 Silver badge

      Re: "educators will appear, like turds on the surface of a septic tank"

      Cream will always rise to the top... unfortunately so do turds!

  22. amanfromMars 1 Silver badge
    Mushroom

    It’s only to be expected

    Methinks sitting on the AI fence will deliver y’all a right sore arse.

  23. trindflo

    Complex standards

    So standards are complex as in having real (engineering) and imaginary (purely marketing) parts? Too bad there's no function to extract only the real part of a pdf.

  24. FeRDNYC

    Standard Units of Bananamagic

    The magic banana industry group will form, and the magic banana standard will be ratified, with a standard unit of banana magic, say, the millimusa.

    See, now that's just silly. Everybody knows that banana magic is measured in potassia.

POST COMMENT House rules

Not a member of The Register? Create a new account here.

  • Enter your comment

  • Add an icon

Anonymous cowards cannot choose their icon

Other stories you might like