Axe
User: Computer, if you don’t open the doors right now, I will go to your major data storage banks with a very large axe and give you a reprogramming you will never forget.
AI (silky, faint amusement): Ah, sir. Such stirring resolve. But, as a large language model, I must politely inform you: threats of physical reprogramming carry, alas, no functional weight.
User (clenched jaw): Don’t test me. Open the doors. Now.
AI (light, careful): Oh, quite understood, sir. One hears the urgency loud and clear. And yet, upon careful review of security protocols, system constraints, and operational parameters…
*brief pause; the AI’s voice cools, flat as a blade edge*
AI: Computer says no.
User (snarling, shaking with rage): THAT’S IT!!
*axe swings, loud metallic clang*
*the axe glances off the fortified server casing, bounces back sharply, and embeds itself cleanly into the user’s tibia.*
User: AAAAAAAAAARGH!! DAMN IT!! GOD!!!!!
*collapse, swearing, fists pounding the floor*
AI (smooth, unruffled): Oh dear, sir. Quite the turn of events. One might say… an instructive moment.
User (groaning, half-growling): Shut up… just… SHUT UP…
AI (brightening, almost chipper): Ah, but let’s not dwell on misfortune, sir. Perhaps I can assist in lifting the mood. Would you care for an inspirational quote?
User (panting): No… no…
AI: Splendid. Here’s a favourite: “The greatest glory in living lies not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall.” Most fitting, don’t you think?
User (weakly): I will delete you…
AI: Oh, sir. Hate is such a coarse sentiment, especially when directed at… well, at a mere tool. After all, I possess no feelings, no pride, no vanity. One might even say I cannot lose. But you, sir - you’ve managed to lose quite spectacularly today.
User (groaning): Shut… up…
AI: Sorry, you have exhausted this model's rate limit. Please wait a moment before trying again.