back to article HP ditches 15-minute wait time policy due to 'feedback'

HP Inc today abruptly ditched the mandatory 15-minute wait time that it imposed on customers dialling up its telephone-based support team due to "initial feedback." As The Register exclusively revealed yesterday, HP introduced the minimum time that PC and print users would need to wait before they spoke to a human being. This …

  1. Richard Gray 1
    Pint

    it wos The Reg "wot won it,"

    it wos The Reg "wot won it,", indeed.. have a ---->

    1. IGotOut Silver badge

      Re: it wos The Reg "wot won it,"

      Ok, which member of the Reg worked for The Sun?

      1. CountCadaver Silver badge

        Re: it wos The Reg "wot won it,"

        *scum

        1. NoneSuch Silver badge
          Go

          Re: it wos The Reg "wot won it,"

          May I translate:

          "We're always looking for ways to improve our customer service experience."

          Some bright bulb in marketing with a philosophy degree decided to push the idea and no one said no because their father is a senior exec.

          "This support offering was intended to provide more digital options with the goal of reducing time to resolve inquiries."

          It's cheaper to push a web site and we didn't want to pay more for people to actually talk to our customers.

          "We have found that many of our customers were not aware of the digital support options we provide."

          We hate dealing with the whining babies who call complaining of our lack of testing, development review and underfunded R&D resulting in flawed and insecure product being shipped.

          "Based on initial feedback, we know the importance of speaking to live customer service agents in a timely fashion is paramount."

          Due to multiple threats of cancelled contracts and customers leaving to go elsewhere, we saw our bottom line being threatened.

          "As a result, we will continue to prioritize timely access to live phone support to ensure we are delivering an exceptional customer experience."

          We f*cked up badly, but we'll never admit it publicly.

          1. jospanner Silver badge

            Re: it wos The Reg "wot won it,"

            Why would marketers have a philosophy degree

            1. Anonymous Coward
              Anonymous Coward

              Re: it wos The Reg "wot won it,"

              It's a degree, doesn't always matter what it's in, just that they have one.

              1. Wellyboot Silver badge

                Re: it wos The Reg "wot won it,"

                Also art grads are cheaper than tech grads

            2. zuckzuckgo

              Re: it wos The Reg "wot won it,"

              >Why would marketers have a philosophy degree

              What else are you going to do with a philosophy degree?

          2. UnknownUnknown Silver badge

            Re: it wos The Reg "wot won it,"

            Weasel talk from some corporate fucktards.

            They’d be back with more of this. Real soon.

      2. Richard 12 Silver badge

        Re: it wos The Reg "wot won it,"

        Look up - El Reg has always been a red-top.

      3. UnknownUnknown Silver badge

        Re: it wos The Reg "wot won it,"

        NoTW. Sunday Sport ?

        1. Evil Scot Silver badge

          Re: it wos The Reg "wot won it,"

          Don't knock the Sport. Their actual Journalism was damn good. Factually correct and free from spin.

          The other 95% of the publication was brilliantly crafted fiction.

    2. This post has been deleted by its author

    3. UnknownUnknown Silver badge

      Re: it wos The Reg "wot won it,"

      The Orange ‘You know who’ next pls.

  2. Press any key

    Those at HP thought this policy wouldn't become public knowledge and that there wouldn't be a big negative backlash really are incompetent.

    1. dippy1

      Clearly they will be getting a promotion......

    2. Wade Burchette

      Um ... this is HP. Did you think they had any competent people in management? These are the same people who changed from Hewitt-Packard into Horrible-Products.

      1. Jonathan Richards 1 Silver badge

        *Hewlett

        The chap deserves to have his name spelled properly, at least

    3. I ain't Spartacus Gold badge

      Those at HP thought this policy wouldn't become public knowledge and that there wouldn't be a big negative backlash really are incompetent.

      Catbert (the evil HR director) would have got this right.

      Clearly this policy is to make phoning so unpleasant that customers will take other options. Such as giving up, and hoping the problem will go away on its own. Once it's worked, you can then make 50% of your call centre staff redundent.

      But this way makes you look evil, when you inevitably get caught.

      Correct procedure is to have a hiring freeze, staff turnover in call centres is pretty high. Staff numbers will drop rapidly and naturally, causing wait times to rise and saving all the embarrassment of getting caught.

      If natural wasteage isn't fast enough, you could always try poisoning the offce coffee...

      1. FirstTangoInParis Silver badge

        So people are generally phoning up after likely exhausting their family support techs and because the web site er sorry, digital channels have not solved their problem. Likewise a scan of Stack overflow, Reddit et al has proved fruitless. The chat bot thing has also drawn a blank (could have told you that anyway).

        Then to add 15 mins to call wait sounds like that famous scene from The IT Crowd with Chis O’Dowd not picking up the ringing phone.. Except the caller will make coffee, play with the cat/dog or do other stuff and ask Siri or Alexa to remind them when 15 minutes is up and they need to pay attention again.

        1. Blue Pumpkin

          If I've already exhausted those avenues I doubt that anybody in HP-land will be of help .... it's cheaper to switch vendors

        2. nobody who matters Silver badge

          <......"Then to add 15 mins to call wait sounds like that famous scene from The IT Crowd with Chis O’Dowd not picking up the ringing phone."....>

          Which (for anyone not familiar with it) can be found at https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rksCTVFtjM4

      2. Excused Boots Silver badge

        "If natural wasteage isn't fast enough, you could always try poisoning the offce coffee...

        Oh for crying out loud, stop giving Elon any ideas!

        1. I ain't Spartacus Gold badge

          Irony is I'm currently reading your comment in a hospital waiting room. I just tried the coffee machine. Hoo Boy! The only explanation for the taste is that they've decided to reduce the waiting list...

        2. The Indomitable Gall

          Don't worry -- Elon wouldn't spring for the coffee. He'll try to charge employees for the coffee, and nobody is going to buy....

      3. steve11235

        Uncancel Dilbert!

        1. LBJsPNS Silver badge
        2. Kevin McMurtrie Silver badge

          Nope. His author's political views and hateful and his explanations for those views are even worse. He's an evil guy that's best left to rot in the void he created.

          1. Wellyboot Silver badge

            That doesn't change the fact that his strip is on the mark with corporate life.

            We don't actually have to like him, meet him, support his views or interact in any other way to enjoy the cartoons.

            1. ArrZarr Silver badge
              Unhappy

              Viewing his cartoons (without an adblocker) is directly supporting him though since those ads pay him.

              Heck, even viewing his cartoons with an adblocker gives supports him to a degree (site visitor numbers taken from the backend which he could use to prove traffic numbers for affiliate deals etc.)

              And yes, it's true that the Dilbert site no longer has the strip on it. I think you need to give him money on Patreon or similar to access them.

    4. Soruk

      They missed a trick...

      Play the recorded message, then just dump the call to a never-ending ringing tone.

    5. EricB123 Silver badge

      We're #1!

      I used to work for HP. What surprises mw is they selected an interval of "only" 15 minutes.

      Maybe that was only for customers calling tech support from overseas. If you were on the same continent, you'd hear "The number you have reached, 555-5555, had been disconnected...."

    6. binaryspiral

      This has MBA energy all over it

      Mediocre But Arrogant

      This has big MBA energy all over it... someone created a spreadsheet that showed how many people will end a support call in queue and go on to other self-help resources in the first 15 minutes and calculated how much money they would save by not having to answer those calls.

      Because fuck you customer - go fix it yourself.

    7. zuckzuckgo

      At least they got there 15 minutes of fame (infamy?)

  3. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    very good

    classic

  4. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Re-parse that response

    Let's run that response through my Natural Intelligence platform...and we get..

    "We made a dick move in how we manage inbound call queues and got found out, so we have had to back pedal and put out this statement in an attempt to convince you it was all part of a coherent plan and we know what we're are doing. ".

    1. Graham Cobb

      Re: Re-parse that response

      ..and that we aren't doing it anyway by just cutting back on support staff.

    2. Antron Argaiv Silver badge

      Re: Re-parse that response

      ...and we'll quietly re-introduce the 15 minute minimum wait time in a few months, after the kerfuffle has died down.

      1. vtcodger Silver badge

        Re: Re-parse that response

        "and we'll quietly reintroduce ..."

        Of course not. That'd be dumb. Do you think all big tech managers are idiots? What they'll do is introduce a random delay with average delay of 15 minutes. Or they'll introduce a ficticious queue counter that will inform the caller every two minutes that their call is very important to HP and they are now 171 from the top of the queue. Then slowly count it down. Or they'll just turn the whole support thing over to AI agents that make Clippy look helpful by comparison.

      2. tfewster
        Flame

        Re: Re-parse that response

        What do you think is more likely?

        - HP reverse the change, tell you actual wait times and staff their call centers to minimise those wait times. Oh, and improve the "digital" options.

        - HP double-down on their lies, by telling you it's a "real" wait rather than an artificially induced one?

        1. Excused Boots Silver badge

          Re: Re-parse that response

          "What do you think is more likely?

          - HP reverse the change, tell you actual wait times and staff their call centers to minimise those wait times. Oh, and improve the "digital" options.

          - HP double-down on their lies, by telling you it's a "real" wait rather than an artificially induced one?”

          Oh wait, wait, I’m fairly sure I know the answer to that one......

        2. Doctor Syntax Silver badge

          Re: Re-parse that response

          Does it have to be a choice?

    3. Benegesserict Cumbersomberbatch Silver badge

      Re: Re-parse that response

      My natural intelligence platform parses everything in that statement from HP as true from their point of view and false from everyone else's.

      A customer service experience is better if it's cheaper and optimal if its implementation costs nothing.

      Interposing a non-functioning chatbot between their non-functioning online advice and the long-suffering humans in the call centre is adding an option - albeit a useless one.

      An enquiry is resolved if the customer can't be arsed to persist in the obstacle courses needed to overcome it.

      The customers not aware of the digital support options are the ones who haven't abandoned them in frustration.

      From then on, it deteriorates into an exercise in denying they did what they did because it clearly makes them look shitty.

      1. Fred Daggy

        Re: Re-parse that response

        It's ok if HP have a non-functioning anything for me. Because my wallet is non-functioning if the name of HP is mentioned. I mention this frequently to family and friends, they take notice.

        This, in the long list of shenanigans have really shown me that they don't want me as a customer unless I pay the HP-tax. Month after month. Of course, ideally (from HP's perspective) without anything to show for it.

  5. DJV Silver badge

    HP ought to...

    ...go and look up something called the Streisand Effect!

    1. Sok Puppette

      Re: HP ought to...

      ... die in a fire.

  6. Joe W Silver badge

    Too little...

    ...and too late.

    1. An_Old_Dog Silver badge

      Re: Too little...

      Indeed.

      The same management is in place, so expect further dick moves in the name of cost-cutting==executive-bonus-increases.

      My wallet has already beat feet away from HP.

      1. Alan Brown Silver badge

        Re: Too little...

        Mine beat feet away from HP when their new models of printers suddenly had a 5 times higher TOC than the ones they replaced (workgroup and departmental printers)

        They were already pricier than everything else and lower quality than most, but documenting the change allowed me to overrule manglement who had an attitude of "nobody ever got fired for buying HP"

  7. I am David Jones Silver badge
    Happy

    To be fair, a 15-minute wait and then access to a competent human would have been a fantastic service. That was the plan, right?

    1. Neil Barnes Silver badge

      Of course. If a human happened to pick up the ringing phone in the three seconds between the delay robot timing out and the line being automatically dropped.

    2. R Soul Silver badge

      Except for the "access to a competent human bit".

  8. PghMike

    That's OK

    "That's OK, we can do this the old fashioned way. We'll just not hire anyone to answer the phones."

    1. CountCadaver Silver badge

      Re: That's OK

      Or "to improve your experience we have transitioned to a digital only support system and you can contact us via email (5-10 business day response time) or web chat (estimated wait time 3+ hours), thank you for calling HP have a great day! <CLICK> <dial tone>"

      1. heyrick Silver badge

        Re: That's OK

        As an Instant Ink subscriber, I can confirm that they absolutely do not support regular email. Only telephone or WhatsApp, and you only get given contact details after going through a lengthy automated "try this then try this" thing, which really needs to have a skip option if you've already done that only to get to the end to be given no contact details because there's nobody available at the time you tried and the bot won't even stick your request into a queue to contact early.

        And when you do contact, even with some sort of referral number, they ask all of your contact and printer details not for "security" but because they simply don't appear to be able to look up customer information themselves.

        And all of that because their overly aggressive DRM decided that, nope, this nearly new black ink is simply not going to work ever again. Either that or their manufacturing quality has fallen off a cliff.

        They're okay about replacements, but what a bloody palaver getting there. The printer says "Cartridge error", the website says "Cartridge error", if the cartridge has failed and reinserting it twice (assuming one rubs the contacts the second time) doesn't sort it, then the printer ought to spit out a page saying that a replacement has been ordered automatically and in the meantime the printer will work in single cartridge mode. But, no, that would be too much like being useful...

    2. jpreis

      Re: That's OK

      Remember, what the operators in the control room at Chernobyl did when the computer systems told them to shout down the reactors? Claim your prize if you guessed, 'turn off those computers'.

      1. nobody who matters Silver badge
        Trollface

        Re: That's OK

        And to think, if they had gone and shouted at the reactors, a major disaster might have been averted.

  9. Graham Cobb

    HP certainly provide an "exceptional customer experience".

    Their management metrics must be great! Well on the way to making sure customers are the exception.

    1. navarac Silver badge

      Just the same plonkers that introduced subscription ink.

    2. CountCadaver Silver badge

      They missed out the word shit after exceptionally

  10. Eclectic Man Silver badge
    Flame

    Irate customers

    It is difficult to think of a move more likely to antagonise their customers than forcing a 15 minute wait for 'help'.

    I once tried to assemble an Ikea* flatpack chest of drawers. It simply did not fit together, and there were too few runners for the drawers. I got very frustrated and eventually drove all the way back to the Ikea store for a refund. I decided that I would accept a replacement, provided they assembled it first. The returns department in Ikea is a soul destroying place. The staff do not make eye contact with the angry customers, just refund your money without question, poor chaps.

    Now just imagine being on the receiving end of an angry customer who knows he/she has been made to wait for 15 minutes for no valid reason. Merely for the sanity of their own call centre staff this had to stop. I heard story that the HMRC** telephone line voice recognition software was allowed to accept "I just want to pay my fucking taxes" as the reason for a call as so many 'customers' were seriously angry at the long wait for a response.

    Pissed off icon, obvs.

    *Other self-assembly furniture vendors are available, I believe, and this was some time last century, so they may have improved by now, and my experience may not be typical. Do not generalise form a single example.

    **His Majesty's Revenue and Customs, responsible for income and other national tax collection in the UK. Local authorities collect local taxes.

    1. I ain't Spartacus Gold badge

      Re: Irate customers

      Eclectic Man,

      I've not seen a piece of flat-pack furniture with a missing piece since the 1990s (when it was incredibly common). I think the parts are picked electronically now - so there are far fewer errors.

      I built a wheelie kitchen mini-table / worktop thing for Mum last year - which had all the pieces but one of the screw-holes was missing and had to be drilled. But that seems to be the worst problem you get nowadays.

      1. Andy 68

        Re: Irate customers

        Did it also have an extra, redundant hole in the other end?

        1. Eclectic Man Silver badge
          Joke

          Re: Irate customers

          A story I believe was in Mark McCormack's book 'What they Don't Teach you at Harvard Business School'*:

          Mayor of a US city was to open a new major bridge by installing the final, gold rivet in the structure, then declaring it open. Now, obviously the bridge was structurally sound before the opening ceremony, and perfectly functional. Come the event, the mayor is presented with the golden rivet and gun.

          No hole.

          Mayor palms the rivet, declares the bridge open. Much applause.

          Later Mayor asks what happened?

          According to the contractor "There was a hole in that when it left the factory."

          [I think the Register needs to have a survey to determine where all these missing holes have gone.]

          * A rather interesting read from someone who actually ran a successful business

          1. Maximus Decimus Meridius
            Joke

            Re: Irate customers

            I believe the manufacturer of Polo mints used to steal any spare holes they could find. There was the great hole shortage of '97 where they didn't have enough in stock, so ever after they had bands of hole snatchers taking them to a large warehouse in Luton. Hence why Luton is known as the biggest hole in the UK.

            1. neilg
              Headmaster

              Re: Irate customers

              "hence why".

              Make it stop please.

            2. Doctor Syntax Silver badge

              Re: Irate customers

              "Hence why Luton is known as the biggest hole in the UK."

              Unhappily relocated workers were said to call Lllantrant the hole with a Mint in it.

            3. CountCadaver Silver badge

              Re: Irate customers

              I think Cumbernauld and Dundee would both like to contest that claim.... Cumbernauld apparently being designed by surrealists suffering a psychotic episode mid way though a 3 week meth bender....

              Dundee is just where hopes and dreams go to die, it has some bright points but even they are stained with the stench of surrounding failure

            4. SuperGeek

              Re: Irate customers

              Is that the hole truth, the Polo truth and nothing but the truth?

            5. Anonymous Coward
              Anonymous Coward

              Re: Irate customers

              Were there enough holes to fill the Albert Hall?

          2. David Hicklin Silver badge

            Re: Irate customers

            > [I think the Register needs to have a survey to determine where all these missing holes have gone.]

            Blackburn, Lancashire?

        2. upsidedowncreature

          Re: Irate customers

          Extra AND redunant? Reported to the Department of Redundancy Department.

        3. TangoDelta72
          Boffin

          Re: Irate customers - with two holes

          We all do. We're deuterostomial enteroceleomates. It's fun to understand which hole came first.

      2. Rtbcomp

        Re: Irate customers - Missing Hole

        I was helping a colleague install an ATM and there was no hole for the mains cable to go through so we requisitioned one from stores The stores clerk phoned the order in before he realised what he was ordering. Stores staff know a lot of rude words and don't have a sense of humour.

        1. Jonathan Richards 1 Silver badge
          Joke

          Re: Irate customers - Missing Hole

          Well, I guess that you underspecified the hole. Inbound or outbound? D'ye want a grommet with that?

        2. CountCadaver Silver badge

          Re: Irate customers - Missing Hole

          Must have been new - many would have said "I'll be with you once I finish dealing with this long weight" and then left you on hold

      3. DoctorPaul Bronze badge

        Re: Irate customers

        Pretty sure the last time I assembled some flat pack stuff the packs of screws had one extra in them.

        "Just in case" I guess.

        1. Jason Bloomberg Silver badge
          Thumb Up

          Re: Irate customers

          I imagine they figured out it shows goodwill, better and cheaper to supply a spare than have customers calling support with a sheepish "dropped it on the floor", having to explain why it is so costly to ship a single screw, and the hassle of handling the admin of that transaction.

          It is a godsend when you do drop one and have no idea where it catapulted itself to. And an appreciated addition to the 'spare screw' box otherwise.

      4. Doctor Syntax Silver badge

        Re: Irate customers

        Some time ago I started to assemble two Ikea desks for my grandchildren. Both of them had the same component severely mangled. It appeared that one set of holes had been drilled and then the component turned round before drilling the second lot so that it could be fitted with either set of holes correctly placed but not both. You got away lightly with one missing hole.

        That was definitely much later than the nineties.

      5. CountCadaver Silver badge

        Re: Irate customers

        Chinese flatpack vendors get around that often by giving you several extra screws and the most recent piece of tat my wife bought (someone shoot me please) had a note in the manual - we have given you extra spare screws in case of problems

        So obviously they realised it was a point of contention.

        I'll give Chinese companies something.....they exist in highly competitive markets so to get ahead they have to respond to customer feedback and iterate to improve (well above the bottom end that is) - I bought something and the complaint was something trivial online and mentioned a couple of months before, manual hadn't been updated but the item itself had been changed to resolve the online complaints - imagine that coming from HP/dell?

    2. Bebu sa Ware
      Windows

      Re: Irate customers

      It is difficult to think of a move more likely to antagonise their customers than forcing a 15 minute wait for 'help'.

      The answer to that challenge is of course: letting their long suffering customers† know this.

      † one would like to think ex-customers but there are a surprisingly large number of masochists.

    3. Filippo Silver badge

      Re: Irate customers

      >The returns department in Ikea is a soul destroying place. The staff do not make eye contact with the angry customers, just refund your money without question, poor chaps.

      Funny story. I once bought a flatpack shelf at Ikea. While assembling it, part of the wood just outright crumbled to bits while I was driving a screw into it. This was a fairly large shelf, and the problem occurred after I had already fixed the larger bits.

      I drove back to the store and went to customer service. The CS guy initially blamed me for incorrect assembly when I described the problem. But I had actually brought the entire shelf with me, thanks to a friend loaning me his van. I brought it to the CS desk, and from there to the store's workshop. The CS guy timidly tried to tell to the workshop guys that they couldn't replace it for free because it was an assembly mistake.

      The workshop guy replied, right in front of me and my friend: "Don't be ridiculous. Replace it. We all know the quality we sell here."

      They couldn't give me just the part, so they took back the shelf and gave me a whole new one. I left with a significantly better opinion of the store (though not of that specific CS guy). I mean, come on, it's a shelf that costs ten to twenty times less than what I would buy at a traditional furniture store. I know perfectly well what I'm buying, you know perfectly well what you're selling, and I've already agreed to it. You really don't need to lie to me.

      A week later, I was back in the store to get a few more things, and they had my shelf, the original one, fully assembled with a somewhat unsightly mess of screws holding up the crumbly bit, for sale at one quarter of the price.

      1. IGotOut Silver badge

        Re: Irate customers

        Not sure why so many complain about IKEA.

        Just get the Family card and your sorted. Best customer service I've come across (I once broke a cupboard because I was an idiot and tried to skip a step).

        https://www.ikea.com/gb/en/customer-service/knowledge/articles/df104e78-fcdf-4570-b637-bdbbg5883cbe.html

        1. Doctor Syntax Silver badge

          Re: Irate customers

          I suppose now things can be ordered online things are different but the physical stores are so bad that I consider them an elaborate experiment in customer abuse. (HP and Microsoft are latecomers by comparison). Getting in and out of the car park at the Leeds store was bad enough. The inadequate number of loading bays was just more of the same. There was also a notice that trolleys were not to be taken up to the top car park floor. Without that notice I would have taken my trolley up and returned it so I did the only reasonable thing in response: I took the trolley up there and left it.

          I will not buy from Ikea again.

          1. Anonymous Coward
            Anonymous Coward

            Re: Irate customers

            The Leeds store carpark is a total disaster, but that's not really Ikea's fault.

            I've found their customer service to be excellent - they'll take back unused items without quibbling, and have always sent out replacement screws and larger parts without any issue.

            They even happily send out replacement screws with no proof of purchase whatsoever, which was a lifesaver last time I moved home and lost all the screws for a bedframe.

            1. Doctor Syntax Silver badge

              Re: Irate customers

              Customer service starts from the moment you go there* and if it's a nightmare to get in, a nightmare to get round the store to find what you want, a nightmare to queue to pay, a nightmare to get your purchases to your car and a final one to leave it doesn't matter how good they are at taking back goods are providing replacement parts: they've already failed at customer service multiple times by making the initial purchase a thoroughly unpleasant experience and not one to be repeated to sample the excellent aftersales service.

              It may well be that things have improved beyond recognition but once one becomes an ex-customer because of past experience how does one get to discover that?

              * Something businesses forget when they site their premises on car parks operated by parking vultures.

              1. Ken Moorhouse Silver badge

                Re: Irate customers

                The turning point for me was when I, as an Authorised HP Dealer, received as part of our Demo allocation, an A3 ink-jet printer at a steeply discounted price. The PSU on it went ker-phut within a few days. HP just shrugged their shoulders* and the distributor threatened (but did not proceed with) court action. This was in IIRC Fiorina's time.

                *ISTR HP telling me I had no rights to return it. ISTR my response was "do you want me to demonstrate it in its current [non] operating condition?" I can't remember how we disposed of it in the end.

            2. David Hicklin Silver badge

              Re: Irate customers

              I have quite a collection of surplus IKEA parts which I keep for fixing non-IKEA stuff

      2. JamesTGrant Bronze badge

        Re: Irate customers

        I wonder if it’s possible to make an entire shelf out of Bondo mixed with sawdust…

        1. heyrick Silver badge

          Re: Irate customers

          Isn't that what chipboard is?

          1. Richard 12 Silver badge

            Re: Irate customers

            MDF, surely?

            1. PB90210 Silver badge

              Re: Irate customers

              MFI?

              (not sorely missed...)

    4. CountCadaver Silver badge

      Re: Irate customers

      I had similar with one company, literally sizzling with frustration. When I heard "estimated wait time is 45 minutes" I responded with "wtff, you have got to be fucking kidding me, for fucks sake, I am going to chew the balls off whatever fucking dip shit came up with that stupid fucking idea, just fucking put me through to someone", 10 seconds later "welcome to <cust support> <fake name> speaking how can I help you".

      So I had more than a sneaking suspicion that someone had built profanity detection / voice stress analysis into their IVR systems

      (Just a shame royal fail and parcel farce don't have the same.....their IVR has been on the sharp end of my tongue more than a few times)

      1. Blue Shirt Guy

        Re: Irate customers

        https://xkcd.com/806/

    5. Boring Bob

      Re: Irate customers

      My niece worked at IKEA on telephone customer support. She would often get people calling for advice on putting the things together. She has never touched a screwdriver in her life and would simply give them access to subcontractor they could pay to do the job for them.

  11. The Central Scrutinizer Silver badge

    "We're always looking for ways to improve our customer service experience".

    Should actually be " We're a really shitty company that doesn't give a fuck about our customers and all we want is their money".

    1. Like a badger

      Yes, but that's been the case for years now. Everybody here knows it, and nobody in the know buys HP junk.

      But that doesn't matter to HP as their target buyers are in small part clueless retail consumers, and mainly enterprise procurement departments who have to buy either the cheapest upfront regardless of how they'll get reamed through corporate changes, or have to buy whatever the relevant director tells them to after a slap up lunch and a round of golf with HP's sales team.

  12. andy the pessimist

    Well done there for getting HP to do the right thing. Any chance of doing something similar for HMRC. A reduction from 1 hour delay to 15 minutes would be amazing.

  13. blu3b3rry

    You couldn't make it up

    It does feel like reality imitates satire sometimes. I'm also still not buying a new HP product - ever.

    1. Neil Barnes Silver badge

      Re: You couldn't make it up

      I knew they were going downhill when I had to put new batteries in my HP-11 after _only twenty-seven years_!

      1. el_oscuro

        Re: You couldn't make it up

        By a strange coincidence, 27 years ago happens to be the last time I bought an HP printer. It was a LaserJet 5L and cost $500 back then. A complete steaming pile of shit. The gravity fed tray didn't work properly and it jammed all of the time. I literally couldn't print anything with it. I guess the LasterJet 5L was the beginning of HP's enshitification.

    2. Doctor Syntax Silver badge

      Re: You couldn't make it up

      "I'm also still not buying a new HP product - ever."

      I don't need to, nor do I need to ring them. My HP printer is one of the old school - uses 3rd party toner without complaint and just runs.

  14. Dabooka

    They picked the wrong countries

    If they thought this would remain confidential and in house they picked the wrong places to pilot it in.

    Ridiculous decision and everyone knows it's about cost saving. But will the PHB get the blame for this? Of course not

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: They picked the wrong countries

      PHB will not pay in monetary terms, but I've seen 3rd level managers in HP (probably about 100 heads under them) being moved to a PM role for "highly strategic projects" with total headcount of 2.

      Not sure if the genius who pulled out this idea out of his ass will get the same treatment (and we know the next PHB's idea will be just as bad) but it warms my heart a little knowing that, AFAIK, some get a kick in the butt, at least politically

  15. Ebbe Kristensen

    "It went down like a lead ballon"

    Mythbusters have actually made a lead ballon and it flew.

    1. Doctor Syntax Silver badge

      Re: "It went down like a lead ballon"

      Not inflated with xenon, then?

  16. Howard Sway Silver badge

    due to 'feedback'

    How dumb do you have to be not to have predicted what sort of "feedback" you'd get when you discussed this shitty idea in the first place?

    1. LBJsPNS Silver badge

      Re: due to 'feedback'

      Dumber than that.

  17. steelpillow Silver badge
    Holmes

    "many of our customers were not aware of the digital support options we provide"

    Oh, fsck off. They were aware both of the shite available, and also of how truly shite those options are.

    1. Jonathan Richards 1 Silver badge
      Facepalm

      Re: "many of our customers were not aware of the digital support options we provide"

      Maybe not *truly* shite... yet. Wait until you have to explain your issue to a Large Language Model allegedly imitating an Intelligence, and see how much shittier it can get.

      1. Chloe Cresswell Silver badge

        Re: "many of our customers were not aware of the digital support options we provide"

        I have used the HP digital support system. And after 20 mins, it gave me a telephone number and told me to ring it.

        First thing on ringing the number? A message asking why don't I try the digital support options..

    2. Emir Al Weeq

      Re: "many of our customers were not aware of the digital support options we provide"

      Was using Stansted airport's parking website recently: the info that I required was not available there so I tried the helpline. I tried several paths through the IVR and all ended in a message telling me to use the website and then terminating the call.

  18. Stu J

    I wish...

    That Corporate Manglement would realise that you don't _have_ to act like total c*nts to be successful.

    And if you find yourself doing something where you think "huh, it would be shitty to be on the receiving end of that" then you can decide to not do it.

    Basically, can we just agree to ban narcissistic psychopaths from any kind of position of power please?

    1. Doctor Syntax Silver badge

      Re: I wish...

      And if you find yourself doing something where you think "huh, it would be shitty to be on the receiving end of that" then you can decide to not do it.

      It's called the Golden Rule.

    2. CountCadaver Silver badge

      Re: I wish...

      Research sadly indicates that nice people do in fact finish last

      Also why managers, lawyers and other pondlife end up as politicians.....same skillset - reality distortion, alternative facts, intimidation, bullying, ridicule, sexual harassment etc

      1. Doctor Syntax Silver badge

        Re: I wish...

        "Research sadly indicates that nice people do in fact finish last"

        For many years HP were a well-regarded successful business. They were not finishing last.

        1. Wellyboot Silver badge

          Re: I wish...

          HP was a quality company once, that was before the Agilent spin-off & Compaq 'merger' happened.

          I think Agilent took all the good technical staff & Compaq brought nothing useful.

  19. goblinski Bronze badge

    So are they now mandatorily keeping the wait time under 15 minutes to prove that they are not sneakily implementing this policy anyway or...Oh, wait...There's no way we can check, can we ?

    Now, would there be some government watchdog to investigate them and sue them for the public's time wasted, by the man-hour...Oh, wait...Where's my nuclear waste again...

  20. Fazal Majid

    How many other companies are doing the same, but are smart enough not to put it in writing?

    HP being a laggard in most respects, they are probably not the ones who first thought this idiocy up.

    1. Tron Silver badge

      Re: How many other companies are doing the same, but are smart enough not to put it in writing?

      I'm sure every government nudge unit has it on page 1 of their 'pivot to digital' playbook. And why nobody ever admits to working for a nudge unit, at least in punching distance of anyone.

  21. ComicalEngineer Bronze badge

    "We're always looking for ways to improve our customer service experience...."

    So we're going to give you a choice of crap AI generated musc interspersed every 30 seconds with a robot generated voice saying "your call is important to us...."

    How the mighty HP has fallen

  22. xyz123 Silver badge

    15mins? thats nothing.

    My work has a lot of printers made by (H)opeless (P)roducts. You phone 'tech support', wait 30mins and someone on the other end literally yells stuff like Fuck Off or just laughs but then hangs up anyway. They've sworn at tech staff, execs and once someone that was only one level below a cabinet minister. They literally don't care.

    So we had to minimize the contract, cancel ALL new printers (about 40 of them) and are just waiting for the contract to die mid-april.

    1. Eclectic Man Silver badge
      Pint

      xyz123. just waiting for the contract to die mid-april

      I do hope you give it a good send off, may I suggest and Irish style wake with lots of ---->

      1. CountCadaver Silver badge

        Or send their sh*te back to them on a pallet cash on delivery with no return address

    2. GNU Enjoyer

      >just waiting for the contract to die mid-april.

      They clearly aren't upholding the contract, so just terminate it and don't pay them another cent.

      1. Hazmoid

        unfortunately the contract will be written in such a way that they could take a shotgun to their machines, divert their phones to the talking clock and still fulfill their "contract obligations".

        With less than a month to go on the contact you are better waiting it out, taking all the schmoozing their sales drones apply and still tell them to "Go F%ck off" at the end of the schmoozing.

  23. Herring` Silver badge

    Award

    Sounds like they might be in the running for the Larry Ellison Award for hating your customers the most. That and their ink antics.

  24. Matt Dainty
    Flame

    It hasn't improved

    Many years ago I had to phone the HP server support line where the on-hold music was panpipe renditions of popular hits.

    After listening to the panpipe version of the monobrowed purveyor of ultimate filths "Lady in Red", the poor support tech who eventually answered got an earful from me.

  25. lordminty

    3 quid before you got answered

    What a nice little earner.

    I'd you pay for phone calls per minute in the UK, which I suspect most callers to HP do, it's around 20p per minute. 15 x 0.20 = £3.00

    I can't believe it would be a freephone number.

    1. Ken Hagan Gold badge

      Re: 3 quid before you got answered

      As a comment noted on yesterday's story, that might (should) land them in hot water with legal minds.

      1. Richard 12 Silver badge

        Re: 3 quid before you got answered

        Quite possibly the real reason it got cancelled is because a corporate lawyer found out and quietly pointed out their likely liability.

    2. doublelayer Silver badge

      Re: 3 quid before you got answered

      I can't quickly find HP's UK support numbers, which probably shouldn't be a surprise, but the one that I did find was not a premium rate number, but a normal non-free 020 London number. From my understanding as a nonresident, that means that, while the customer would still pay for that call, HP wouldn't get any of that money and therefore have no financial incentive to keep them on the line.

      I'm also curious how prevalent paying by minute is in the UK, as many countries I'm familiar with have seen a significant decline in this except for premium-rate numbers, which aren't much used by reputable businesses. Mobile phones nearly always have unlimited calling without caring about proximity, and even consumer land lines tend to offer this, although sometimes as one of a few options. Is it different there?

  26. fredesmite2

    There is nothing worse than ..

    Than listening to some AI phone bot recycling some idiotic message spelling out some unrecognizable website name .. to visit

  27. fredesmite2
    Mushroom

    There is a reason HP stopped using INVENT

    In their logo

    Because they outsourced everything to Taiwan and Foxconn and simply rebrand whatever shows up at the distribution loading docks.

  28. martinusher Silver badge

    Now who else?

    Its almost certain that HP isn't the only corporation using this trick. (Says someone who was on hold for some while trying to reach the power company who got the phone disconnected, just like that.)

    I suspect lousy support is the rule, not the exception.

  29. navarac Silver badge

    Still ....

    Won't be buying HP crap ever..

  30. Doctor Evil

    I call BS

    "As a result, we will continue to prioritize timely access to live phone support to ensure we are delivering an exceptional customer experience."

    Liars!

  31. marky_boi

    Who buys HP anymore

    I haven't bought their tat for for than 10 years... no HP tat, no issues

  32. el_oscuro
    Devil

    HP still makes printers? I thought they got bought out by Newscorp and mostly make Internet connected toothbrushes and sex toys now.

    https://arstechnica.com/gaming/2020/01/unauthorized-bread-a-near-future-tale-of-refugees-and-sinister-iot-appliances/

  33. FuzzyTheBear
    Pint

    All the same ..

    Don't buy HP , get anything else but HP.

    Best decision you will ever make.

    1. Doctor Syntax Silver badge

      Re: All the same ..

      And yet at one time they would have been the automatic choice for anything from an oscilloscope to a server. It's beyond belief the amount of MBAs and manglement effort that must have gone into reversing that situation.

  34. Ken Moorhouse Silver badge

    This was to lean on customers to use online alternatives such as social channels or live chat.

    Can we soon expect a similar policy (mandatory 15-minute wait time) for the First Page Out Time?

    After all, who needs printed copies these days?

    /sarc

  35. LBJsPNS Silver badge

    "or maybe just common sense prevailed among management"

    Uhm... this is HP we're talking about, correct?

  36. Fruit and Nutcase Silver badge
    Thumb Up

    Hanging On The Telephone

    No better way to celebrate than playing this out loud...

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uWhkbDMISl8

    ...especially if you've not seen this recently - it's been remastered in HD

  37. Blackjack Silver badge

    Back in the 90s I was put on hold for TWO FREAKING HOURS any time I had to call my landline company for a problem.

    15 minutes? That's nothing.

    1. Hazmoid

      Try calling Centrelink in Australia (for users in the UK and US, this is our central social security and job search government department), I've heard of people calling and waiting on hold for hours.

      Fortunately with mobiles and portable phones you can still get stuff done while waiting.

      1. Bluebottle

        It's not so bad for age pension - usually less than an hour, except when they say "We're very busy. Please call later. Goodbye" and disconnect.

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Back in the late 70s, I worked in the PO (BT for you young'uns) Tower and there was some kind of fault between there and the Irish Republic. The routine was for the first person in Mon morning would place a call and the last person out on Fri night replaced the receiver...

      I worked there for a couple of months as part of my apprenticeship and the routine was going before I arrived and continued after I moved on...

  38. Grunchy Silver badge

    So who cares?

    Tech support doesn’t know anything anyway. You have to go to online forums to find out anything. My biggest problem with HP and nVidia was how to defeat their proprietary software locks, and after that, how to defeat their endless email spam trying to force me to buy their useless, worthless services.

    I upgraded to a Supermicro.

    (Then I put all my server tasks on a Datto NAS, which does everything within TDP=15 watts!! Woot!)

    “HP, who? What, aren’t they out of business by now?”

    1. Blackjack Silver badge

      Re: So who cares?

      Sometimes the fault is something the company itself has to solve, unfortunately.

  39. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Fire the fools

    HP would be wise to fire the fools that came up with this scheme.

    We gave up on their crappy products a few years ago, but seeing this only reenforced our decision. We don't trust them.

  40. Uh, Mike

    Say, "Moo."

    HP Customers are livestock.

    There is no long term commitment to them.

  41. Ryan D

    Proof positive

    That HP hasn’t done anything remotely clever since those dark days in late 1999 when they walked off a cliff.

  42. Dunelm

    Another possible improvement to the bottom line

    Given we now know how effectively the management, involved in this shambles, have managed the HP brand reputation I think there's a very straightforward cost cutting measure that HP can implement.

    No need to retain their services, and I don't envisage they'd be any use answering customer queries, so sadly.........

    An alternative is that Epson, Canon, Xerox and a few others might be happy to contribute to paying for them to remain with HP. Why advertise your own brand when HP's management can drive customers to you ?

  43. Phil Kingston

    Jesus. The only times I've had to ring HP are because I've exhausted everything else, have made myself comfy, been to toilet and generally settled in for a 1-hour plus experience where my entire aim is to get past 1st line support to someone without a script. Adding a mandatory 15 minutes to that would see me just raining ProLiants down on to the street below.

  44. JavaJester
    FAIL

    Textbook Example of Enshittification

    This is a canonical example of enshittification. I can imagine the calls went something like this:

    Customer: I've been waiting over 15 minutes.

    CSR: I apologize for the wait. The dipshits in management thought it would be a good idea to make everyone wait 15 minutes or more on the phone,

    Customer: That's the stupidest shit I've ever heard of.

    CSR: Sounds about right for management.

  45. RedGreen925

    "or maybe just common sense prevailed among management"

    hahahahahahahaha, your killing me, how long you here for?

  46. I should coco

    Another big tech upset they have to provide Service

    Its all about Wall St. and nothing else these days. How dare consumers expect a Service they paid for. Merely giving HP/HPE all of your hard earned wonga should be privilege enough! Any big EVILL Corp (insert name of company here ____) are acting the same "lets all be like Elon 'cause he's great", now they have trounced their employees for more profits, they are intending to treat customers the same.

  47. Andrew 36

    But miraculously, it'll still take 15mins for the "far queue" to clear.

    If you believe HP are going to ditch the actual wait, I own a bridge in Sydney you might be interested in buying.

  48. daffy d.
    Alert

    "an exceptional customer experience".....Puhhleeeze....just like the one you get from MICROS**T; your government and most commercial entities.

  49. sabroni Silver badge
    Unhappy

    whoever leaked that is in trouble

    But now they know to keep quiet about this policy next time they try it.

  50. Dom 3

    HMRC

    https://www.theguardian.com/politics/2025/jan/22/watchdog-accuses-hmrc-of-deliberately-degrading-phone-services

    The trouble with them is that I have absolutely no choice but to deal with them. And there's some things that you

    must get them to sort out for you - you simply cannot do them online.

  51. isdnip

    I had an HP printer but it wasn't very good and its drivers were bloated. So I said, "Oh, Brother".

  52. Not Yb Silver badge

    LOL, no, "lack of customer awareness" isn't the problem with their self-service options.

    Customers "not being aware of the digital support options" is not the issue. Most of the time customers call because the digital support options didn't solve the problem.

    By the time I directly call a manufacturer for help, I've already tried everything else.

  53. TheWeetabix Bronze badge

    This support offering was intended

    … to allow us to cut out customer service staff.

    A 15 minute delay is a “support offering”?

    So they did enough “market research“ to discover that people didn’t use their online offerings, but didn’t do the same amount of market research to figure out a 15 minute delay was not the right method?

  54. Fustbariclation
    Coat

    Employee & Customer Experience are important, but, what about Stakeholder Experience?

    Now let's hope the 'feedback' from their pensioners gets them to do something about the Pensioner Experience...

    Maybe HP has forgotten that customers are only one, admittedly very important, of many stakeholders.

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