As Amazon takes over the Bond franchise, we submit our scripts for the next flick As part of its quest for world domination, Amazon has bought the creative rights to fictional British spy James Bond. Across more than 60 years, seven actors have portrayed Ian Fleming's iconic character in 27 films, all but two of which were produced by Eon Productions whose principals on Thursday announced their decision to …
Bond's latest mission is thwarted when Q is made redundant in the name of cost savings and he has to rely on same day delivery from a world dominating logistics organisation which turns out to be run by an evil billionaire who's intent on taking over the world by disrupting every country's economy and turning their citizens into slaves to serve in his massive warehouses.
What, too close to the truth?
A cabal of oligarchs plans to create a settlement on Mars, where they will create the next super-human: cyberman.
Along this, they try to eradicate Humanity on earth, since their plan involves resettling earth from Mars and replace human 1.0 with cyberman.
Bond prevents extinction on earth, but lets the oligarchs getvaway to Mars. There, their cyber society naturally goes to shit.
Happy end. Win-win
With the Baddie being a cameo of Musk?
Lifting a plot device from Die Another Day have Musk revealed as a geneticaly reprogrammed North Korean Colonel bent on destroying the rest of the world. (Gustav Graves/Col. Tan-Sun Moon.)
I recently stumbled over an image of young Musk which looked more like the spawn of the Uruk-hai than the precursor of Space Karen so perhaps the genetic skulduggery isn't so wide of the mark. Looking at his 1998 picture he clearly had the characteristic receding hairline of male pattern baldness so hair transplants and/or retinol/finasteride/minoxidil treatment is likely since then unless ketamine is also effective.
Give Bezos a white Persian cat he might make a passable Blofeld with Amazon being a front for S.P.E.C.T.R.E.
Unfortunately a reboot of From Russia with Love is currently little too topical.
A billionaire with too much spare time has invented some sort of A.I. that is capable to install itself in the human brain.
As this billionaire is involved in the election campaign of one of the worlds largest nations, he is able to install the A.I. in the brain of a president candidate by means of a murder attempt.
The candidate happens to win the election and comes to power. The A.I. immediately activates and decisions are dicated by the billionaire.
MI 5 detects weird radiation coming out of the president's head, which after examination appears to be an encryption communication channel using 7000+ low earth satellites connecting the president to the villains HQ.
Bond has a double mission: disturb the up- and downlink to the president and trace the villain to destroy the villains empire.
To escape, the villain puts on a spacesuit and launches himself into space, sitting in a convertible car.
How about a plot twist. The rocket launch bit takes place at the start of the film, and shows that the "villain" CEO was actually murdered and replaced by an evil double and with the body of the original being hidden in the spacesuit of an Tesla car and tossed at Mars.
The Villain then demonstrates his evilness by giving several Nazi salutes on live television, before bribing the president to let him fire anybody in government who is responsible for stopping his companies breaking the law, or who has ever investigated reports that his companies break the law.
«MI 5»
MI 6 surely? Unless the billionaire was in the UK while his head was transmitting† to 7000 LEO satellites.
Even then I would imagine the five eyes arrangements would preclude any UK agents from operating on US territory but that's probably naivety on my part.
† I would have thought the required RF would cook what was left of his brains.
A multibillionaire's plot to take over the world is mildly inconvenienced by a foreign intelligence agency and one of its agents. The billionaire buys that country's government for pocket lint and has the agency defunded. 007 is made redundant and has to take a job in a large distribution warehouse to make ends meet. Credits roll.
Indeed. Bond has (mostly) been an enjoyable load of fabulously produced tosh, harking back to its 1960s roots. In the inherently untrustworthy hands of a big US shitcorp it's doomed to lose it's self deprecating humour, it's continual nod to the past, and drift rapidly downhill until it becomes a shitty series that takes itself far too seriously, and gets truly f***ed up by trying to make it more appealing to US audiences.
I suppose there could be worse buyers than Amazon, but I'm struggling to think of any.
«As long as the actor doesn't finish up with a Yank accent»
Could go the other extreme with some production drongo deciding on a "real limey" accent like the original 007 Connery† and ending up with an impenetrable Glaswegian dialect straight out of the 1960s Gorbals or equally incomprehensible product of a Geordie, ex Lions (rugby) front row, speech coach..
Non native English speakers have enough difficulty with regional accents as it is. I had to pretty much translate the 2000 TV series Rebus' John Hannah's dialogue for the other half and Hannah delivery was pretty much standard English. Trying to explain the British humour... that's a whole other chamber of horrors. Curiously rhyming slang doesn't seem to click either which might not be a bad thing given the likes of Berk : Berkshire Hunt might offend more delicate ears.
† which of course was more or less educated Scots as anyone privileged to be born under the allegiance of the King would know. :)
"I had to pretty much translate the 2000 TV series Rebus' John Hannah's dialogue for the other half and Hannah delivery was pretty much standard English."
The only Scottish TV show that screams for subtitles for me was Chewin' the Fat. And you'd still need a Glaswegian<->English dictionary for many odd words.
Except that the whole thing will be AI created direct to overly-compressed files (suitable for streaming) with nary a 32mm frame to he found.
When the time comes for the 25th anniversary remastered version they'll be arguing whether the strange rectangular edges in the over-stretched shadows are remnants of original set designs[1] and we'll be able to buy action figures with carefully recreated compression artifacts.
[1] massive crystal spires
Honestly, is there anyone who doesn't believe the Bond franchise was milked to death before the first Gen Zer was born?
That's a bit like saying the murder mystery or vampire movie has been milked to death. Nosferatu 1922 and err.. Nosferatu 2024. Basic premise of Bond is a spy/action romp, so big bad, big bangs, bangs babe and roll credits. But Bond may have met his/their match in the face of the ultimate villain, Jennifer Salke, and maybe an army of Harfoot hench folk because they're under contract for 5 series and RoP probably (hopefully) isn't going to last that long. And if Salke runs this franchise the way she's run others, Bond isn't going to last long either.
If they get some decent writers, maybe it'll work. If 'appealing to a younger audience' means a 20-something girlboss, it's doomed. Plus rumors of other 'Amazon Originals' like a Moneypenny spin-off series. There's only so much you could do with a show about a PA.
If you equate "Bond" with "spy/action" then there is no need for anyone to ever make another Bond film. They can make another Mission Impossible or another Jack Reacher or etc. etc. Bond occupies a specific slot in the spy/action world, and there's no point in talking about whether the Bond franchise has run out of gas or whether Amazon can or will make good Bond films if you think it is interchangeable with every other spy/action film.
I could see a limited series Moneypenny working. She's "just a PA" but she works in the most classified part of a highly classified organization, so I assume they require some fairly involved training for someone in her position and aren't just hiring people off the street. She may not be a "spy", as such, but she'd be vulnerable to kidnapping by people wanting her to reveal the secrets she knows - and she would know a lot in her position. So maybe she's kidnapped in episode 1 and the rest of the series deals with the fallout from that as she tries to stay alive, mislead her captors, and in the course of freeing herself manages to help take down some fairly bad people (though not the level of bad James Bond deals with)
Or by your snarky reference to "girlboss" will you refuse to accept any Moneypenny who isn't a useless damsel in distress who is so dumb she can't remember what had for breakfast last Monday so she'd be useless for anyone to kidnap and the only thing a series about her could be is her meeting other useless secretaries who go the bar after work and moon over their unattainable dream men like the "James" so constantly tells the other girls about.
...and there's no point in talking about whether the Bond franchise has run out of gas or whether Amazon can or will make good Bond films if you think it is interchangeable with every other spy/action film.
Jack Reacher is a specific character based on a series of books, so an ex MP wandering around the US righting wrongs. Mission Impossible has Ethan Hunt doing much the same. Nowhere did I say that Bond is interchangeable. He's a specific character, again based on a series of books.
Or by your snarky reference to "girlboss" will you refuse to accept any Moneypenny who isn't a useless damsel in distress who is so dumb she can't remember what had for breakfast last Monday so she'd be useless for anyone to kidnap..
Nope, the "girlboss" is the tendency to turn male roles into female, and then by a miracle of bad writing and acting, have the female defy physics and biomechanics to throw male villains around the set. So a Jane Bond.. Which already exists. So Luc Besson created a female assassin working for the French government when he made Nikita. And then Hollywood unmade a US version. In the original, Nikita spent 3-4yrs being trained as an assassin and her cover role as a nurse. In the US, it took only 1yr to turn their version into an assassin, elite hacker and more of a Bond clone.. Which then spawned a couple of US TV series.
But the Bbc of course has weighed in-
"They always tend to reboot. You have a serious Bond [like Timothy] Dalton followed by a lighter Bond, Brosnan. Serious, Craig - and I think it's time to do that again."
Suggesting some 20-something actors that might be the next Bond. But Bond was a 30-something, and would probably have to be to plausible. So time in service to gain rank of Commander, plus military training, eg being an ex-SBS officer, then training as an intelligence officer at MI6 and then gaining his 00 licence. Having a younger actor would require a greater suspension of belief. The character needs seniority to be believable. I also think a lighter Bond would be a mistake. Craig got stick from fans, but I think his portrayal was good, and closer to the book version of Bond. He is a serious character doing serious work, and basically a cold blooded assassin.
But time will tell if Salke butchers Bond, or not. His prospects aren't looking great based on the dross Amazon has churned out though. Or the timing could be good given box office bombs delivered by all the wokebusters being churned out, and a growing backlash against DEI.
Damn you, I had a whole plot outline in my head merging the abominable ROP with 007.
Arch villain is actually Sauron Returned, the Ring turns out to be another fake bought off Amazon, being his undoing. Galadriel and Bond end up rolling in the spring meadows of Lorien, which turns out to be an AI hallucination, or maybe just some Potemkin billboards like in Brazil.
I may have had too many of --->
"Galadriel and Bond end up rolling in the spring meadows of Lorien"
If you recall her seeing off the Necromancer (Sauron) at Dol Guldur you might think even 007 could have second thoughts, favouring discretion over valour and choose to leave some mounts unassailed. But I suppose some do like theirs rough.
Unless you pay one beeellion dollars, we will crash your economy by forcing everybody to stay at home all day, watching the online map showing their delivery spiralling around the neighbourhood without getting any closer, spiralling, spiralling, until - we ring the bell once but have gone before you can answer it!
That plan is fool proof, I shall write it down now - What?! Mr Bond, you have broken all my pencils? Fool, I merely have to order a new box - see, the van is almost here - it has gone past - NOOOO!
An evil politician plans to tax to hell delivery services so only its national postal service can actually work. This control, furthermore, allows such politician to control what is delivered to whom, and intercepts whatever he decides is not fit for the population. Furthermore, he uses this massive control to decide which books can be distributed, favouring its own unpalatable works, which become best-sellers only because there's nothing more, which titles as appealing as "Let's march together to a brightful rainbow of controlled supplies avoiding extraneous poisoning ideas".
Then he comes and arch-multi-trillionaire who, despite the massive taxations, makes itself available in the internal national market, floods the marked with even cheaper literature (its massive hits are The Eye of Argon and Atlanta Nights). The evil politician enters in a rage fit, but the arch-multi-now-quintillonaire pays him a hefty sum and retires. The arch-multi-infinitillionaire rules the country, and the neighbouring ones too by the way.
Then Bond enters in a book shop, buys a book and gets the lady cashier for a nookie. You know, because Bond has to appear sometime in the movie.
Posting links to The Eye of Argon[1] and Atlanta Nights? What kind of sicko does that? Don't you realise some people might actually go and try to read those? Would you have that on your conscience?
[1] or the version with added bits
The next Bond will be American. Amazon has to be seen to be licking Trump's boots so MAGA flags and merch will be everywhere in the film.
MI6 will be relocated to downtown Seattle as the DC swamp will be drained by then.
His Aston will replaced by a Cybertruck festooned with Trump 2028 logos.
The website promoting the film will require a donation to Trump's 2028 election campaign (yes, I know that the constitution says he can't but by then it will be only worth using as toilet paper)
«MI6 will be relocated to downtown Seattle as the DC swamp will be drained by then.»
I see the whole west coast as the Californian Palatinate ruled by an aging Patrician Schwarzenegger who nominally holds the Palatinate from the Czar Alexander II and Emperor Maximilian I of Mexico who are both conveniently long defunct.
Arnie's most pressing problem is keeping the undocumented Okies out of his realm.
The odd Twatzika emblazoned Wankenpanser attempting to enter the Palatinate clandestinely is dealt with summarily as are its occupants.
Sadly, Arnie is too far left and woke for the current administration.
The Woke is Not Enough. To Live and Let DEI etc..
So some of the Craig-era villains were loosely modelled on the WEF. Given Amazon's politics, and Hollywood in general, any 'new' enemy will inevitabely be shaped by that far-left coast bubble. Then again, all the garbage Amazon's been churning out and the money it's been losing on productions might mean Bezos ends up doing his only DOGEing.
Writing as a People's Republic of California Comrade, compared to the current crypto-fascists, Arnie was not as bad.
On the good side, he required that coal power plants being built intended to supply California power meet California standards. He did not do much for same-sex marriage (prop 8), but when he did officiate same-sex marriages.
There were many downsides. His father was a Nazi etc. However, Arnie did repudiate January 6.
Still, given a choice between only the current occupant and the Terminator, I would have hold my nose and choose the Terminator. Mercifully, the Terminator is not a US-born citizen, so that is not a possibility.
I did not vote for him for guv, and am glad he is not currently in politics. I'm no fan of the man and never expected to write anything nice about him. Don't ask me about DiFi unless you want a real rant.
You forgot "rides a bike" and "has an ASMR youtube channel".
His...sorry their...missions will all take place on Twitter where he moderates community posts. His arch nemesis will be an internet troll. Movie titles will include "Memeslinger", "The Troll with the Golden Memes". etc
Bond now carries a Colt 45, drives a Mustang and is overweight from eating constantly at McDonalds. He's the super sized Bond. He likes his McFlurries stirred, not shaken, thank you very fucking much. On Sunday he plays golf at Mar a Lago with the weird guy who thinks he is the president.
His current mission is to eliminate all free radicals so that only the prime survive.
...wears a bolo tie, ten gallon hat and spurs and smokes Marlboro cigarettes...I'm looking forward to the Poker scene...where Bond is up against his nemesis in an Indian Casino somewhere in Arizona while drinking his favourite cocktail...Coors Light from the bottle.
I can't wait. I hear the next movies will be a traditional American 4 part trilogy (the last movie split in two).
The Daniel Craig Bond films were a real highlight of the entire franchise. I even enjoyed Quantum of Solace. It seems almost prescient that they killed him at the end. Bond is done. Anything that Amazon do with him is nothing more than the application of an electric charge to a dead frog. It might twitch a bit, but it’s not coming back to life.
Besides, do we really want to be giving more money to Amazon?
Bond is sent to the evil villains lair. On the way he sees a Twitter post saying he's a misogynist. This breaks his brain. When he gets to the villains lair, he finds the evil plot is about to fail, so he pitches to make it work. The US now controls Canada.
He returns to the US, where he takes control of the CIA by eliminating all the people who aren't white men.
James and Sexy Blond approach a building in the Texas desert. Security guards come out of the building and things get tense but they intercept Miss Blond. They tell her she no longer has a job as a presenter because she has been replaced by an AI video generated avatar. James takes advantage of the distraction to sneak into a building and steal secret documents. He sets off the alarm and is chased by the security guards. He jumps into Blond's dune buggy and they race across the desert. They complete their escape in a suborbital rocket and have three minutes of zero-G theme music and credits.
When they land Sexy Redhead delivery driver gets out of her van and says she has two packages for them. The first is a printed apology from Felix Leiter saying that he could not come in person because he is now a Large Language Model. The other package is a mattress that James and Red test in the back of the van while Blond drives them back to Universal Exports' branch office. This turns out to have been bought out by the franchise delivery company that employs Red. Q is there and tells Red she has been made redundant by his new self-driving van with built-in toilet.
Q demonstrates this installment's collection of cleverly disguised gadgets. Miss Moneypenny arrives and tells James that this will be the their last mission together. She and Q have been made redundant and replaced by LLMs. The secret documents are the plans to a fortified compound containing the Gold Widget. James must extract the widget using Q's gadgets.
James arrives at the back of the compound and waits for Q's gadgets to be delivered by automated delivery van. The intrusion plan quickly falls apart. The gadgets are the original things Q copied and got mixed up with Q's versions in the warehouse by Universal Exports' common binning policy. Things look bad for James as security guards approach and his toys do not work.
Miss Moneypenny's voice across the tannoy saves the day. She tells the security guards they have been made redundant by an AI security system. They shuffle off despondently. James easily gets to the center of the compound but the widget is not there. He goes back to the security office and replays the video. It shows that while he was waiting at the back a blond in a dune buggy drives Miss Monneypenny to the front entrance. Monneypenny hands over the real secret documents (stolen by Blond while James was distracted) which are a work order to load up the Golden Widget into a delivery van - which promptly arrives driven by Red.
James phones Moneypenny's LLM replacement to get a lift home. Moneypenny LLM says she is too busy flirting with the LLM that replaced him.
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A semi-retired billionaire realises where it is all going wrong, and sets out to create an O/S that studies its user. It then quietly censures the "free speech" that it deems is beyond the capacity of the user's intellect, to protect them from their own inadequacies, and hence save the world.
Trouble is, the baddies are on to him, and only Bond can save him. The difficulty for Bond, is it's his own government and that of many other countries who are the baddies trying to stop this, and so he must quit his job quietly if he is to save the world.
Oh and he has nookie with himself on the plane if that helps the plot.
Have you seen Russian police officers? my kids were incredulous when we saw Steve Rosenberg's report on TV last night.
Article from which that image is taken, in case the ichef.bbci URL doesn't work for some reason: Rosenberg visits Tver.
M.
Have you seen Russian police officers? my kids were incredulous when we saw Steve Rosenberg's report on TV last night.
One seems to be sporting a non-regulation haircut, and neither are dressed in the paramilitary style of our bobbys. Rosenberg's still a twat, but wasn't arrested for spreading 'misinformation', sending mean tweets. Or died in jail like another journalist, Gonazlo Lira did. But incredulity is probably the best reaction to anything from Rosenberg or the Bbc, so your kids are learning.
I would love to see several TV series in the Bond universe;
Paloma
Ideally with Ana de Armas continuing her role from NTTD, played as traditional Bond adventure.
Q Branch
Comedy about the trainee boffins and the adventures that provoke them to build exploding Lilos or chainsaw watches.
Moneypenny
Set in the 1960's with flashbacks to WW2 to show how Moneypenny became M's secretary in the style of Agent Carter
How about a reality competition show spin-off of the James Bond franchise featuring nine teams of two competing in a race to win £1 million each through a series of spy-themed challenges?
Yeah, that left me shaken but not stirred as well.
with William Franklyn as the chief and Jenny Lee-Wright as Miss Moneypacker.
http://www.ukgameshows.com/ukgs/The_Masterspy
https://www.britishclassiccomedy.co.uk/the-masterspy
Winner gets £1 million to choose something like a Television set or a Digital Watch
... It is a massive loss to the film industry and the world of film lovers. That said, Wilson is 80+ and Broccoli is 60+... Wilson's kids work in the studio too. Whether anyone in the family would've wanted to carry on independently is anyone's guess, but the fact Wilson and Broccoli sold up means that's now a franchise gone. What a bummer.
They'll buy it, won't know what to do with it, and cancel it like Neighbours.
Shirly they will combine Bond and the X-files to create 00X.
He will discover a global elite seeking to turn us all trans with a woke mind virus and Mus...Bond will save us by having endless nookie with all the obligatory lovelies who didn't want to transition.
I'm sorry; are you suggesting that under any property ownership, James Bond would /not/ have endless nookie with the available Hollywood nookie served up on a scriptwriter's block? Have you not seen any of the films?
Hmm. That comment is open to interpretation. Perhaps a counterrevolution is in order, after all. I prefer not to think...
Remake of Goldfinger where the POTUS helps himself to gold bars stored at Fort Knox and Bond and Felix can't do anything to stop it.
Auric Goldfinger and Trump
Both have a fixation on Gold
Both cheat at Golf
Both have an unhealthy interest in the contents of the vaults at Fort Knox
Given that Trump has got a get out of jail card from the SCOTUS for acts performed when POTUS, what's to stop him pilfering the contents when he visits the place?
Amazon only has a decade to milk the crap out of their exclusive franchise. There will be an explosion of 007 media and products pumped out over the next 10 years.
So I predict that ALL of the above ideas will be scraped and padded out into scripts!
"Amazon has bought the creative rights to fictional British spy James Bond."
I apparently missed that memo, crap. /me rushing to watch again the previous JB movies, aka, the last ones worth watching now. RIP, franchise.
"PS: Amazon is calling time on Chime, killing off the video-conferencing app from February 20, 2026. It will now no longer accept new customers. The web giant is also zooming to Zoom internally."
Great news ! I've attended only a couple of Chime meeting and was amazed how much bandwidth this bollocks app was eating. You'd need Gbps for it !
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