back to article BOFH: Printer's festive bips herald a merry mystery for the Boss's budget

BOFH logo telephone with devil's horns "Ooh, a lunch with the IT Management Team." I say, faking enthusiasm. "Who's that again?" "It's just the Director and myself," the Boss burbles. "Oh, and the HR and Finance Directors, because they wanted a lunch with us, so we thought we'd kill two birds with one stone." ... or two …

  1. Ball boy Silver badge
    Pint

    "By my calculation, the Boss has now made 12 contactless payments of 100 quid"

    I did not see that one: I was assuming there was a window/printer/boss exception coming :-)

    Good work, Simon - and have one of these for entertaining us all for the last year!

    1. Michael H.F. Wilkinson Silver badge
      Pint

      Re: "By my calculation, the Boss has now made 12 contactless payments of 100 quid"

      Sheer genius. I knew the "bips" must be significant, but I didn't see this one coming

      1. Sam not the Viking Silver badge

        Re: "By my calculation, the Boss has now made 12 contactless payments of 100 quid"

        I was fooled by the 'bips' until the denouement. Brilliant ruse; all those useless 'out of ink' printers can have a worthy life, or afterlife, after all.

        As a youngster, we gradually re-arranged the filing cabinets in the office so that the boss had to squeeze through. It was our way of nudging him into a 'healthy' diet.

      2. M.V. Lipvig Silver badge

        Re: "By my calculation, the Boss has now made 12 contactless payments of 100 quid"

        I figured it out with the first bip, since that was proceeded by the Boss keeping his card on a lanyard to avoid it going missing after paying for past parties. 1200 quid was surprising though, how do you have party at a pub for an entire office for such a tiny amount?

    2. BebopWeBop

      Re: "By my calculation, the Boss has now made 12 contactless payments of 100 quid"

      I suspected it might be so - the credit5 card being on a lanyard and all that :-)

    3. The Dogs Meevonks Silver badge
      Happy

      Re: "By my calculation, the Boss has now made 12 contactless payments of 100 quid"

      As soon as I read' credit card on a lanyard around his neck' ... I wondered how they were going to use a card reader to reallocate some funds for those xmas drinks

  2. Doctor Syntax Silver badge
    Pint

    Finishing the year off in style.

    1. stiine Silver badge

      Not until that 1500 quid party across the street happens.

      I wonder why no-one has thought to insert automatic card readers into turnstyles, revolving doors, or transit seats.

      1. Wellyboot Silver badge

        With credit statements filling up with micro-payments how many would notice a random few quid every so often AND then chase down where it happened?

      2. Dave314159ggggdffsdds Silver badge

        Because that isn't the end with the security. The payment processor will notice the suspicious transactions and block pay-outs. Even with less obviously suspicious transactions, it's unlikely you'd be able to get enough to be worthwhile, there's a fairly lengthy delay before pay-out which would give people a chance to notice they've been charged (at which point, multiple complaints of fraud will result in the whole account being blocked until it's resolved), and this all has to be done having given the payment processor some very good proof of ID.

        So, basically, if you're ever in a position to do it and get away with the money - say, having stolen a terminal and the account details for a legit business - you'd be in a position to do some much more lucrative stuff without even needing the card terminal.

        1. Paul Crawford Silver badge
          Trollface

          The BOFH missed a trick, he should have had each payment matching a different section of round-of-drinks costs each time.

        2. Chloe Cresswell Silver badge

          They caught someone in my local christmas market a few years ago with a PDQ. Taking £10 a go off people's pockets. They went the other way, lots of small transactions.

        3. Joe W Silver badge
          Pint

          1. Spoilsport

          2. You seem educated in that... remind me to keep my cards at home (or wrapped in tinfoil?).

      3. Inventor of the Marmite Laser Silver badge

        Are you sure they've not?

        <bip>

      4. Diogenes8080

        You can make an RFID hoop big enough to drive a lorry through, if you need to. It will read lots of tags at the same time, too. It just depends on how industrial a decoder you want to pay for.

        1. Anonymous Coward
          Anonymous Coward

          You don't need to.

          There are two factors at work here:

          1 - the aerial. Where I used to work we have been experimenting with this as a test (payment systems design). About a meter in diameter gets you clean reads from up to two meter, provided you address factor 2:

          2 - sensitivity of the receiver.

          When this whole RFID lark started there were plenty of reports of people queuing who ended up paying for someone already at the cash point. That was basically solved by using far less sensitive receivers. Get a decent receiver stage and you'll enlarge the distance, but best in combination with a good aerial because you need to supply the power for the circuit to work first. That said, making it a terrible receiver also serves another purpose - it allows the payer to pick the card they want to use instead of randomly pick one from whatever it picks up.

          The reason you're not robbed blind is not the tech itself, it's the many checks to get an account that accepts RFID payments (processing can distinguish between RFID and a 'regular card-in-slot plus PIN' payment). Basically there is a process plaster over rather too permissive tech :).

          1. Groo The Wanderer - A Canuck

            I opted to buy a wallet with RFID blocking plates (basically iron plates as far as I'm aware.) The only time it is within scanning distance of the terminal and out of my wallet is when I'm scanning it.

            My worry is not the RFID; my worry are the skimmers that get attached to reader hardware that you stick a card into. Seems to be a prevalent scam throughout North America.

            1. Dostoevsky Bronze badge

              It happens occasionally, but it's not prevalent. People are far more likely to fall for phishing attempts than get charged by hardware that's been tampered with.

              I mean, if you were a criminal, which would be easier for you?

            2. M.V. Lipvig Silver badge

              It's actually heavy tinfoil sewn in under the leather. I have one as well, and I keep the cards in sleeves to boot.

          2. Anonymous Coward
            Anonymous Coward

            Really,

            Walk in to a branch of WHSmith and for £35 you can pick up a sumup card payment terminal. Register this with sumup and you can take contactless card payments in about 5 minutes.

            I have one for taking club payments, the basic model uses a phone the more advanced have a built in modem and control panel.

            I have taken £200 in contactless payments in 10 minutes without a problem

            1. Dave314159ggggdffsdds Silver badge

              Yes, it's easy to take a handful of legitimate payments. Hard to take illegitimate ones and get away with it.

              1. Richard 12 Silver badge

                It's a lot easier than you seem to think.

                Most people don't notice, and in my experience banks are absolutely useless at spotting obvious fraud - and refuse to act to stop it even when reported, despite eventually having to refund anyway.

                So it's pretty likely that someone would get away with large numbers of small transactions for several months.

                After that, less clear.

        2. M.V. Lipvig Silver badge

          Toll roads in the US are going to RFID tags, and I don't see an actual loop. There's a box over each lane which presumably has a reader and a camera inside. They can get a reading off an RFID on the windshield at well over 100MPH.

      5. The Oncoming Scorn Silver badge
        Pint

        Going Underground (London)

        Implemented in London for some years now.

        "Using a contactless payment card is almost identical to using an Oyster card. You simply swipe your card at the ticket barriers just like an Oyster card."

      6. IceC0ld

        who says they haven't >bip<

        I, for one, have been using the screened paper cases for my CC's for a few years now

        and I test them regular, by trying to swipe the contactless whilst they are in the case

        so far, so good

        well, at least I haven't paid for the xmas party yet LOL

        1. Dave314159ggggdffsdds Silver badge

          And my anti-tiger powder keeps the tigers away. That's why I sprinkle it everywhere I go...

  3. Groo The Wanderer - A Canuck

    1500 quid? That'll barely pay the PFY's bar tab, never mind Simon's! Besides, how can you have a party without Onion Bahjis?

    1. Wellyboot Silver badge

      Bahjis are pre-ordered on the same account.

      Pubs will happily cater for good customers.

      1. Doctor Syntax Silver badge

        They would walk right past one that didn't.

        1. KittenHuffer Silver badge
          1. Groo The Wanderer - A Canuck

            Well you all certainly have put the kibosh on McDonald's and Burger King's secret plans to install readers on toilets and charge weight-based microtransactions for septic services ala Space Lab. :(

            1. Benegesserict Cumbersomberbatch Silver badge

              Simple - any deficit between the amount you eat and the amount you excrete will be surgically removed before you leave. Therefore, every time you go to the toilet, it's vitally important that you get a receipt.

              1. Hazmoid
                Pint

                have one of these for your HHTTG reference :)

            2. WonkoTheSane
              Headmaster

              Many believe that Ryanair have already implemented this on their flights, so always be sure to go before takeoff!

  4. Will Godfrey Silver badge
    Happy

    I (sort of) miss the office Xmas party

    But only 'sort of'. I hated doing the tie and jacket stuff, and never enjoyed being with a bunch of folks that I hardly even met - who were already half pissed when they arrived.

    Clearly the BOFH has a similar view - known buddies only.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: I (sort of) miss the office Xmas party

      Bunch of small businesses located on the same site. The one next door we are friendly with and they bring us beers and such every now and then.

      They invited us to their Christmas party with an invite that stated 2pm start. They actually started at 8am. By midday it sounded like a pub at midnight, we umm couldn't attend as we had some project or other that needed to be done...

  5. Michael H.F. Wilkinson Silver badge
    Pint

    The true BOFH Xmas spirit ...

    I will raise a glass to that.

    I also love the crafty use of AI coupled to the HR database.

  6. Caver_Dave Silver badge
    Joke

    Christmas party

    I asked when the Staff Christmas Party was at my local supermarket - on the basis that I've had to use the self-service till all year to scan my purchases.

    (The alternative to doing the checkout staff job for them is to face long queues for the till that is serviced by a staff member.)

    There was certainly no "Ho Ho Ho" from the staff member I asked!

    (Oh and before you ask, there were no price reductions on the basis that fewer staff were required when self-service tills were introduced.)

    1. Yet Another Anonymous coward Silver badge

      Re: Christmas party

      Our local supermarket has solved that. Their new upgraded self-serve spend so much time popping up offers for loyalty cards, Marvel movie tie-ins, mortgages, car insurance etc. And then when you pay it offers you pages of options, where credit card is on the 2nd screen.

      It's quicker to queue up for the bored teenager on the till

      1. Dave314159ggggdffsdds Silver badge

        Re: Christmas party

        You should try going to a supermarket where they don't expect most of their customers to shoplift, and so let you scan your stuff as you walk around. Infinitely preferable to queuing up at the till behind some oldie who questions every scanned item, and then gets surprised at the end when they're asked to pay.

        1. Yet Another Anonymous coward Silver badge

          Re: Christmas party

          I moved to the off-world colonies, so we are generally about 10 years behind in shopping technology.

          Although back in the mists of time I worked at the consultancy that had done the first self-scan tills in the UK.

          Concerned about shop lifting, they had trialed them in somewhere like Waitrose in Chipping-Snotbury-on-the-Wold, figuring that posh people wouldn't nick stuff.

          They couldn't get anyone to use them because the fear of making a mistake and being accused of shoplifting was such a terror for the wife of the local Rotary club chair - that it wasn't worth the risk.

      2. Doctor Syntax Silver badge

        Re: Christmas party

        "It's quicker to queue up for the bored teenager on the till"

        My experience of self-service checkouts is that 3 items is the limit. After that the probability of it getting confused by a barcode it doesn't have in the database or it has the wrong weight for or the like is getting too close to 1 to make it worthwhile.

        1. Anonymous Coward
          Anonymous Coward

          Re: Christmas party

          I only use self checkout if I'm buying lots of 'carrots'

    2. Dave314159ggggdffsdds Silver badge

      Re: Christmas party

      "There was certainly no "Ho Ho Ho" from the staff member I asked!"

      You don't say.

      'Hi, I'm Caver_Dave, and I inflict terrible old jokes on minimum wage retail staff at their busiest time of year, and expect them to laugh'...

    3. Terry 6 Silver badge
      Flame

      Re: Christmas party

      You should try B and Q then. My local one has zero operated tills open and still there's only two of the three self-service ones.

      1. CountCadaver Silver badge

        Re: Christmas party

        Mine hauled out their self service ones sadly

        I say sadly as their staff are surly as hell, often clueless and generally disinterested in doing even the bare minimum

        1. Terry 6 Silver badge

          Re: Christmas party

          I think that B and Q are one of those managements that think paying for customer service is like having teeth pulled. So they employ the minimum staff at the minimum pay with the minimum of consideration.

          1. Doctor Syntax Silver badge

            Re: Christmas party

            Many years ago SWMBO, being a real botanist, got a job in the gardening department when the local B&Q was being set up. Back then it was really well managed. All the staff who helped on that set-up got their names on a beard mounted very visibly but high up. There was a little demo theatre - she actually bought manky roses from a local, then not very good, garden centre to demonstrate pruning.

            B&Q management became manglement. The demo theatre went. So did the board. Taking it down would have actually cost money. OTOH I've usually found their staff to be better than they deserve.

            1. David Hicklin Silver badge

              Re: Christmas party

              > So did the board

              For a moment I misread that as the board of B&Q...

              1. Vincent Ballard
                Headmaster

                Re: Christmas party

                Easy mistake to make given that the previous "board" was miswritten.

                1. Richard 12 Silver badge

                  Re: Christmas party

                  I'm somewhat concerned about the owner of the beard. Was it still attached when it was mounted?

        2. VicMortimer Silver badge

          Re: Christmas party

          One of the good things about living in America is that stores are typically staffed by Americans - who are usually smiling, friendly, and happy to help. They're really happy when they don't have a bagger at the grocery checkout at that particular moment, and I bag my own stuff rather than waiting for one to show up.

          The other day I had a really full cart and they'd closed everything but the self checkouts at 10pm, and while I'd gotten to the store before that I'd done a lot of shopping so it was about 10:15, and I apparently had a vaguely grumpy look on my face as I walked toward the self checkout, so a clearly happy employee who was watching them asked if everything was ok, and I said "well, I was hoping for a human as I smiled at her" so she immediately opened up the nearby register and checked me out.

          I'd have tipped her, but grocery stores are one of the few places where tipping isn't allowed here.

    4. Andy A
      Thumb Up

      Re: Christmas party

      My favourite supermarket chain (only 26 branches) trialled self checkout machines, but reverted to manned checkouts. Customers hated self checkout, and management took notice. We have people staffing tills who really seem to enjoy their jobs and their interactions with the public.

      They still have the management who did a survey in my local store before reorganising things and included the question I've never seen in any other survey:

      "What must we NOT change?"

  7. Sam not the Viking Silver badge

    A Good Boss

    One of my ex-bosses (he's retired now) was just brilliant when it came to the Christmas 'drinks' party..... At the pub, he instructed his subordinates who carried company credit cards, which included me, that "No employee can buy a drink". Taxis were arranged as required.

    It was expensive, but not in the overall scheme of things. Who doesn't want to work for a boss like that?

    I can also confirm that not all bosses take the same approach......

    1. Mike007 Silver badge

      Re: A Good Boss

      I always say you should appreciate the simple things like wages being correct and on time.

      You'd be amazed at the number of companies who think fucking up everyone's pay every month and making them wait a month for the "correction" means they have a little bit more money sitting in their bank account and therefore slaughtering staff morale is perfectly fine...

      My current boss hasn't ever deducted pay or required me to make up the missed hours for the regular doctors appointments I have, even though my contract permits him to do so.

  8. milliemoo83

    It's time...

    "Our offer to improve morale with the annual game of "Murder in the dark" has been rejected – even when I said the PFY would be on lights this year."

    It's time for another round of BLACKOUT BEANCOUNTER FIRE ALARM PINBALL!

    1. Joe W Silver badge

      Re: It's time...

      After moving the EXIT signs, because of the interference of low power flourescent bulbs (or whatver)...

  9. Blackjack Silver badge

    Wonder what he will do it the Boss gets a credit freeze? Although that shouldn't affect debit cards only debit ones...

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