back to article AI Jesus is ready to dispense advice from a booth in historic Swiss church

If you find yourself in the Swiss tourist destination of Lucerne with a guilty conscience, there's someone waiting at the historic Peterskapelle Catholic Church to hear your prayers - someone who cares, you might say: Your own personal AI Jesus.  An "experimental art installation" dubbed "Deus in Machina" by the St. Peter's …

  1. Richard 12 Silver badge

    Ascended already?

    Will it return to guide its flock to the rapture in silicon heaven?

    1. Bebu sa Ware
      Devil

      Re: Ascended already?

      guide its flock to the rapture in silicon heaven?

      If the practitioners of these dark arts ultimately manage to construct conscious artifacts I fear they might well be able to eventually reconstruct an individual's consciousness in such a device.

      The Mephistophelean transaction offering the temptation of an eternal "existence" in a silicon heaven would likely seduce most of the population.

      Although I suspect after a few centuries inhabiting a simulated world resembling a collage of cheap 1960s American TV sitcoms the majority of these reconstructed consciousnesses will conclude the "heaven" part was rather oversold and might begin to understand why their corporeal contract required a sanguineous signature.

      1. IceC0ld
        Joke

        Re: Ascended already?

        [quote]The Mephistophelean transaction offering the temptation of an eternal "existence" in a silicon heaven would likely seduce most of the population.[/quote]

        pops on his best Sheldon voice :o)

        no need to sell me on this, I'm already a fan.

    2. HuBo Silver badge
      Go

      Re: Ascended already?

      Yeah, that's where all the calculators go! (unlike human heaven, that was made up to prevent us all from going nuts!)

    3. Kevin McMurtrie Silver badge

      Re: Ascended already?

      You mean selling shares of stock?

    4. Rattus
      Joke

      So there really is a Sillicon Heaven

      That will be of relief for all those pocket calculators.

      Next you well be telling be that there is hope for a 'driod and a gelf...

  2. Andy Non Silver badge

    At least it didn't follow Google's AI

    and tell the believers they were a waste of space and should kill themselves.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: At least it didn't follow Google's AI

      It might hallucinate a few new testaments though, right before it goes to the great blue screen in the sky.

    2. TangoDelta72
      Terminator

      Re: At least it didn't follow Google's AI

      I've always found Bender to be Artificially Intelligent. A shiny Jesus who's not afraid to tell it like it is. See how he gives Fry some sage advice to get to the afterlife.

      Icon: Because Bender actually wanted to be a Terminator.

  3. Authentic Name

    Twitch Jesus

    Has been listening for ages and is still online

    https://www.twitch.tv/ask_jesus

  4. Phil O'Sophical Silver badge

    Not the messiah, just a very naughty LLM

    The tenets of pretty much every religion came from a bunch of middle-aged men collecting all the stories about their respective god and collating those which best fitted the dialogue they wanted to present. It shouldn't be a surprise to anyone that an LLM-based AI is as good (and as bad) at doing the same thing.

    1. steelpillow Silver badge
      Pint

      Re: Not the messiah, just a very naughty LLM

      Upvote and beer in loving memory of Graham Chapman.

      But you are not quite right about their respective "god". Usually it is the stories told by and about their respective prophet. For example Judaism, Christianity and Islam all share the same god (just called different names in different languages). Many religions are even named after their prophet - Christianity, Buddhism, Zoroastrianism and Confucianism come to mind. And Buddhism doesn't have any gods anyway.

      How long before the first inevitable sect claiming AIJesus as the living Messiah pops up? After all, as the crowd around Brian declared, the fact that he up-front denied it proves his modesty and authenticity beyond doubt.

  5. abend0c4 Silver badge

    Do not disclose personal information under any circumstances

    Lord, I am sorely troubled by, er, ... the recent weather.

  6. Mentat74
    Joke

    Just pull the plug on that damn thing...

    And 'Enjoy the silence'...

    1. Chasxith
      Coat

      Re: Just pull the plug on that damn thing...

      But some people just can't get enough.

      Makes me wonder what it's policy of truth is. Hopefully it won't end up as a question time.

      Yes, I'll get my coat (and get behind the wheel)

      1. Mentat74
        Joke

        Re: Just pull the plug on that damn thing...

        Well... I guess people are people...

        And some of them might even think that an A.I. will never let them down again...

    2. Jedit Silver badge
      Pint

      Re: Just pull the plug on that damn thing...

      I agree. It's no good.

  7. Bebu sa Ware
    Childcatcher

    [AI Jesus] is ready to hear thoughts,... "is explicitly not a confession."

    lead me to wonder whether the original could have heard confession. From my school days' religious instruction classes I think Jesus was a Rabbi but I cannot quite see how he might have been ordained a christian priest.

    Curiously this particular church is St Peter's, named after the Apostle from whom the Roman church derives the papal succession.

    As far as I (an infidel) understand these matters, confession is only one part of the sacrement. They being (i) contrition, (ii) amendment or remediation, (iii) confession and (iv) penance.

    Protestants presumably have similar processess but omit the need for an intermediary between their consciences and their God.

    Counterintuitively AI Jesus might pose fewer doctrinal problems for protestants than for its catholic creators.

    Seriously anyone that understands that fundamentally, religion is for the living and is an attempt to convince people to live better lives in greater accord with others, with their environment etc, will have serious concerns about introducing a mechanical non human component into what is essentially a human to human interaction.

    Replacing one half of the interaction with an automaton must ultimately dehumanise the remaining half.

    Not that I imagine Hell needs any further assistance in filling its pits. If Hades were landfill it would have been obliged to convert to recycling eons ago...

    1. steelpillow Silver badge

      Replacing one half of the human-human interaction

      Had you been born a Druid, you would have made the same claim about the impersonality of books. They insisted on rote learning and word-of-mouth, and refused to write anything down.

      The early Church did not allow images of God in its art. He did not appear until the Renaissance - Michaelangelo was not the first, but he was certainly the first to have Papal blessing. A similar story occurred with images of the Buddha (though of course Islam remains adamant about its own Prophet to this day).

      The translation of the Bible from sacred Latin to profane local languages such as English earned another burst of theological condemnation and burning at the stake. Similarly, the Hebrew Old Testament and Arabic Qu'ran have their dedicated dogmatists.

      Even within my living memory, portraying Jesus on film was deemed blasphemous, and the first to do so had to remain underground.

      AIJesus is in good company.

    2. Arthur the cat Silver badge
      Trollface

      Re: [AI Jesus] is ready to hear thoughts,... "is explicitly not a confession."

      If Hades were landfill it would have been obliged to convert to recycling eons ago...

      Where do you think we get cold callers from?

    3. TangoDelta72
      Flame

      Re: [AI Jesus] is ready to hear thoughts,... "is explicitly not a confession."

      [quote]

      Not that I imagine Hell needs any further assistance in filling its pits. If Hades were landfill it would have been obliged to convert to recycling eons ago...

      [/quote]

      https://www.snopes.com/fact-check/hell-endothermic-exothermic/

  8. jake Silver badge

    You know the latest scam has gone mainstream when ...

    ... one of the major religions of the world has sunk its claws into it in their ongoing "work" of fleecing the sheeple.

    1. Androgynous Cupboard Silver badge

      Re: You know the latest scam has gone mainstream when ...

      Coming soon: you can pay for your plenary indulgences with Bitcoin!

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: You know the latest scam has gone mainstream when ...

        >"pay for your plenary indulgences with Bitcoin!"

        AI: Artificial Indulgences

  9. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    JAIsus X Risk, what a concept!

    That's it, that's the joke. I've got nothing else.

  10. Groo The Wanderer

    Good fit - current AI is as prone to hallucinations as the whole Bible is...

    1. nautica Silver badge
      Meh

      "...as prone to hallucinations as the whole Bible is...

      Which one. (?)

      At last count, there were over 1600 variation / translations world-wide, with over 450 of those in the English language alone.

      And people wonder why some Protestant denominations place so much stock in 'Bible Study'...

      1. Groo The Wanderer

        Re: "...as prone to hallucinations as the whole Bible is...

        All of them, of course. It's ALL bullshit, no matter whose version...

  11. Omnipresent Silver badge

    thx 1138

    "My time is your time."

  12. Neil Barnes Silver badge
    Coat

    Saved!

    For I have seen the baud!

    1. steelpillow Silver badge
      Pint

      Re: Saved!

      Worst pun of the week award!

      1. Korev Silver badge
        Pint

        Re: Saved!

        Best don't you mean?

        1. steelpillow Silver badge

          Re: Saved!

          That's what I love about puns and sausages, the best ones are always the wurst.

          1. Blue Pumpkin

            Re: Saved!

            You forgot the cheese !

            You must always lookout for the Wurst Käse scenario ....

            1. Neil Barnes Silver badge

              Re: Saved!

              Würst? I use to live literally two minutes from Curry36 in Kreuzberg. (If you know, you know.)

  13. Natalie Gritpants Jr

    At least it won't rape your children

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Matt Gaetz for pope! </barf>

    2. Korev Silver badge
      1. LBJsPNS Bronze badge

        "AI is also less likely to create a sexual abuse scandal."

        That all depends on its source material, does it not?

    3. Antron Argaiv Silver badge
      Thumb Up

      ...and costs far less than a live priest to accomplish the same goal (absolution, not kiddie diddling).

      Think of the salaries they can save (and the insurance premiums)

      hocus pocus dominocus!

    4. jake Silver badge

      "At least it won't rape your children"

      They will find a way.

      See "teledildonics", below.

  14. Winkypop Silver badge
    Devil

    Coin operated Jesus

    He’s not the Messiah. He’s just a naughty baud.

    * Thanks to Neil Barnes for the lead.

  15. spireite Silver badge
    Mushroom

    Artificial Intelligence? Irony alert!

    Some will (are?) treat it as a priest no matter what, and listen to its ramblings.. much like a regular service then!

    Many would argue, and I will poke the bear (not the kids), that it has more intelligence than those who go to Church regularly and then think it does them good.

    I'm now going to hide in a corner and see the results of stirring the Jesus Hornets.

    1. nautica Silver badge

      Re: Artificial Intelligence? Irony alert!

      "...than those who go to Church regularly and then think it does them good..."

      ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

      “Anyone who thinks sitting in church can make you a Christian must also think that sitting in a garage can make you a car.”― Garrison Keillor

  16. Boris the Cockroach Silver badge
    Angel

    How

    long before this 'AI Jesus' declares the time of the prophets is at hand and we should declare holy war upon the unbelivers, heratics, and people who figet during the sermon.

    <<currently reading "Small gods" by Pterry

  17. BartyFartsLast Silver badge

    Your own

    Personal Jeebus, a PC to care.

    Good use case for AI PCs

  18. Will Godfrey Silver badge
    Facepalm

    Crazy

    Obviously from the "You couldn't make it up" dept.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Crazy

      Jesus brought back as an AI zombie ... brilliant! </cirrhosis>

  19. Howard Sway Silver badge
    Devil

    Introducing SAItan

    Your handy AI devil, freely willing to dispense bad advice and inaccurate information, like all other AI chatbots. If Copilot is your God, wait till you see what damage the original bad boy can do in AI form! Subscribe to Microsoft Mephistopheles365 for just $30 a month (plus your eternal soul).

    1. Neil Barnes Silver badge

      Re: Introducing SAItan

      Too late - Google already _has_ your immortal soul. Or enough information about you to create a reasonable facsimile thereof.

      1. Antron Argaiv Silver badge
        Devil

        Re: Introducing SAItan

        ...and what Google doesn't have, Microsoft and Apple are fighting over.

  20. This post has been deleted by its author

  21. Mitoo Bobsworth

    sAInts on standby

    For when the church can't be arsed listening to you.

  22. nautica Silver badge
    Meh

    “It ain't the parts of the Bible that I can't understand that bother me, it's the parts that I do understand.”--Mark Twain

    "I like your Christ, I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ." --Ghandi

    1. This post has been deleted by its author

      1. Korev Silver badge
        Pint

        That would be an Ecumenical matter

  23. Dronius

    I don't care if it rains or freezes long as I got my plastic Jesus

    Sittin' on the dashboard of my car

    Going down there, it ain't scary 'cause I've got the virgin Mary

    Sittin' on the dashboard of my car

    I'm in the backseat sinning, Jesus up there grinning

    Sittin' on the dashboard of my car

    Green, white, pink or yellow, I don't care 'cause he's my feller

    Sittin' on the dashboard of my car

    1. Antron Argaiv Silver badge

      Through all trials and tribulation,

      We will travel every nation,

      Me and Plastic Jesus will go far!

      But I fear he'll have to go,

      His magnet stops my radio,

      Ridin' on the dashboard of my car

      (one of my favourites)

    2. Antron Argaiv Silver badge
      Devil

      All the lyrics...

      https://www.flickr.com/groups/11009048@N00/discuss/72157594408562280/

  24. Blue Pumpkin

    Dark Star

    I remember the "intelligent" bomb 'getting religion' .... it didn't end well ...

  25. Nelbert Noggins

    Time to start building Electric Monks

    In the words of the late Mr Adams

    Electric monks believed things for you, thus saving you what was becoming an increasingly onerous task, that of believing all the things the world expected you to believe... The new improved Monk Plus models were twice as powerful, had an entirely new multi-tasking Negative Capability feature that allowed them to hold up to 16 entirely different and contradictory ideas in memory simultaneously without generating any irritating system errors

    Mine’s the coat with a towel in the pocket

  26. the Jim bloke
    Angel

    El Reg is far from its roots

    An article on religion with no mention of the FSM.

    As for training the AI, even if they left out the Old Testament to avoid poisoning it with crazy, a constant diet of confessions of sins, guilt and all your religious hang ups will lead to a seriously twisted AI - probably best if it doesnt actually listen to what people tell it..

    1. Benegesserict Cumbersomberbatch Silver badge
      Pirate

      R'amen to that

      in one of 100 languages he's programmed to speak and respond in.

      "Talk like a pirate" is probably one of his languages, if the checkout kiosk at my local library is anything to go by. "Aaaarr, me hearty, in what way have ye wronged yer fellow shipmates?" I can hope, anyway.

  27. heyrick Silver badge

    From a Christian perspective, I felt taken care of and felt really consoled.

    How is this not a damning indictment on the pointlessness of religion? This person is being emotionally cuddled by a talking toaster...

    1. This post has been deleted by its author

    2. Paul Crawford Silver badge
      Trollface

      Re: From a Christian perspective, I felt taken care of and felt really consoled.

      Well the toaster can deal with the sacramental bread, and I presume an AI enomatic machine (https://enomatic.com/) can help with the communion wine. I'm not sure what this teledildonic machine is for but I guess we will find out soon enough...

      1. heyrick Silver badge
        Happy

        Re: From a Christian perspective, I felt taken care of and felt really consoled.

        teledildonic... wow, a new word (upvote for that). Though, don't think I'm going to get much any opportunity to use it.

        1. jake Silver badge

          Re: From a Christian perspective, I felt taken care of and felt really consoled.

          Not all that new ... We were using the term Teledildonics at SAIL in (roughly) 1978. I am 99% certain it did not originate with us, but it is something that Uncle John[0] would have come up with ... It's a shame the gootards fucked up DejaNews, there were numerous USENET threads on the subject in the early 1980s (some even serious!).

          That said, whois reports teledildonics.com was first registered in 1998, although I find that difficult to believe. I'm sure it was much earlier than that ... but come to think of it, wasn't it in 1998 that InterNIC finally lightened up a trifle and started allowing so-called "risqué" domain names?

          [0] Prof. John McCarthy ... a Wiki near you probably has a brief, truncated look at the life of this complex and brilliant man. RIP, Boss.

    3. collinsl Silver badge

      Re: From a Christian perspective, I felt taken care of and felt really consoled.

      Don't give it ideas, or it'll start holding people's immortal souls hostage until they eat sufficient quantities of toast!

  28. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Millions of jobs now at risk

    In organized religions world-wide

  29. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    AI Jesus in Church

    Even Jesus can't expect to work from home indefinitely.

  30. captain veg Silver badge

    AI Jesus (or is that JAIsus?)

    Depends, If you are Oirish, and have just been startled, then possibly.

    -A.

  31. rafff

    "AI can also give incomprehensible, and in some cases even stupid and idiotic answers"

    Just like a human, then.

  32. Big_Boomer

    The Baiby Jaisus

    I wonder how long before it gets pulled because it either starts using really foul language, or else persuading the devout that they have wasted their lives?

    1. Paul Crawford Silver badge

      Re: The Baiby Jaisus

      You mean like Father Jack?

      1. Big_Boomer

        Re: The Baiby Jaisus

        Yer right Paul, the Church is already good at doing both of those itself. <LOL>

  33. Cliffwilliams44 Silver badge

    Seriously!

    What could possibly go wrong!

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