back to article Gang of monkeys escape South Carolina biomedical research facility

We regret to inform you that the United States may soon collapse into a state of lawless anarchy: 18 of 43 monkeys that escaped from a South Carolina biomedical research facility remain at large – and we all know a horror story or two that starts like that. OK, maybe that's a bit overblown, but still, police in Yemassee, SC, …

  1. alain williams Silver badge

    I read the headline ...

    but when I read the article was surprised to find that it was not another Trump story.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: I read the headline ...

      > but when I read the article was surprised to find that it was not another Trump story.

      Forty years ago it would have been "Bedtime for Bonzo" and Ronald Reagan springing to mind.

    2. Fruit and Nutcase Silver badge
      Joke

      Re: I read the headline ...

      but when I read the article was surprised to find that it was not another Trump story.

      It could still be - if one of these escapees make it all the way to Mar-a-largo, it could mistake Trump with all his fake tan for a large Orangutan

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: I read the headline ...

        A risk I'm willing to take, it can't do a worse job in the Whitehouse

  2. Evil Auditor Silver badge

    Nearly I couldn't resist on commenting something along the line of they just wanted to get out to great the orange monkey which's soon going to be their president, again.

    Anyhow, they may have never been used for any testing. But now that they've been roaming freely in an uncontrolled environment, it's unlikely that they ever will be. Purposeless death awaiting them. Not that it makes much difference to the monkeys.

  3. Pascal Monett Silver badge
    FAIL

    Sounds like a "farm" run with minimal funding

    Either that or it's a place where the budget is kept lower than possible because the top brass wants their big cars and swimming pools.

    Serving moldy food ? Food doesn't get moldy in a day. Multiple escapes over the years ? Lack of organisational supervision springs to mind.

    This place doesn't sound like a good place to work, much less to be a monkey in.

    1. Doctor Syntax Silver badge

      Re: Sounds like a "farm" run with minimal funding

      They've probably learned from the local kids - keeper opens cage, one of them distracts him and the rest slip out.

      1. Cris E

        Re: Sounds like a "farm" run with minimal funding

        The man with the yellow hat has never been much of a guard. He's just never been well-suited for the job, but who else will work for that kind of money?

        1. david 12 Silver badge

          Re: Sounds like a "farm" run with minimal funding

          but who else will work for that kind of money?

          "Diversity within Alpha Genesis, Inc. is alive and universal. Equal Opportunity Employer"

          Perhaps they're paying peanuts....

          1. devin3782

            Re: Sounds like a "farm" run with minimal funding

            If they were paying peanuts they'd still have the monkeys

    2. Mark 65

      Re: Sounds like a "farm" run with minimal funding

      One set of doors was all there was to secure them? How about proper containment? The sort of lax oversight that happens in the US with these sorts of labs leads me to believe that bad shit will happen eventually.

      1. Fruit and Nutcase Silver badge

        Re: Sounds like a "farm" run with minimal funding

        The sort of lax oversight that happens in the US...

        Come January, there'll be more or that - thought the FCC was safe? Be very worried of Ajit Pai is spotted in Mar-a-largo. State secrets will be no more when Trump "declares" them declassified. Lots of scope for agencies that have oversight over Musk's various businesses to be shackled/underfunded/stripped of regulatory clout - quid pro quo - payback for support during the campaign

  4. Homo.Sapien.Floridanus

    Third time ????

    The company should get called upon by the USDA and get a good gorilla’n.

  5. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Just leave typewriters out.

    Given long enough you'll catch them writing plays.

    1. DoctorPaul Bronze badge

      Re: Just leave typewriters out.

      Pedant alert: recent mathematical research has "proved" that they won't achieve it before the heat death of the universe.

      Philosophical point up for discussion. The original quote was something like "given enough time..." which leads to the question "does time stop with the heat death of the universe?"

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Just leave typewriters out.

      These days they have PC's ...

      They'll soon have Windows 12 sorted before Lady Macbeth makes an appearance.

    3. scottro

      Re: Just leave typewriters out.

      I think the Internet has proven that theory to be incorrect. :)

  6. TRT
    Mushroom

    I have to admit I've always been concerned that Monkey World in Dorset is approximately 1.2 miles east north east of Bovington Tank Museum, which is itself about 2.2 miles east north east of Winfrith Magnox Atomic Energy Establishment. If there were three places that should raise a red flag if you said "let's them put within easy walking distance and in a straight line", it would be those three. It could only be made worse if there was a cider museum nearby too.

    1. This post has been deleted by its author

      1. TRT

        Holton Heath Naval Cordite factory? Yes, that's a bit further away though, other direction. Straight line to London.

        1. Yet Another Anonymous coward Silver badge

          phone rings:

          Simon? It's Edgar, I have a new movie idea. Do you think Nick can do motion capture

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      I did some contracting there for some of their digital amusements (both tank museum and monkey world).

      ... far too much red tape for anything interesting (or devastating) to happen. Those escaped monkeys will have to fill in so many risk assessment forms that they will end up defeated before they begin any innovation.

      1. Yet Another Anonymous coward Silver badge

        So they need the librarian ?

        1. Anonymous Coward
  7. elsergiovolador Silver badge

    Gang of monkeys escape South Carolina biomedical research facility

    Yeah I watched that B slasher before. 5/10.

    1. stiine Silver badge
      Coffee/keyboard

      Re: Gang of monkeys escape South Carolina biomedical research facility

      I thought 28 Days Later was an incredible movie.

  8. Gene Cash Silver badge

    As god is my witness, I didn't know monkeys could swim

    In the Silver Springs attraction in Ocala, Florida (where they filmed a lot of the Tarzan movies in the '60s) they put out monkeys for the tourists to see, thinking the monkeys couldn't swim across the river surrounding it.

    Nope. That's an incorrect assumption. Result: tons of monkeys in the surrounding community and a 40 year eradication campaign.

    1. chivo243 Silver badge
      Go

      Re: As god is my witness, I didn't know monkeys could swim

      Isn't that Turkey's couldn't fly? Les and the Big Guy!

    2. david 12 Silver badge

      Re: As god is my witness, I didn't know monkeys could swim

      I don't know how it's managed, but AG also runs "Monkey Island" in SC, 400 acres at the mouth of the Combahee River.

    3. Telman

      Re: As god is my witness, I didn't know monkeys could swim

      Don't forget the colony of monkeys living south of Ft. Lauderdale in Broward county, Florida

    4. NXM

      Re: As god is my witness, I didn't know monkeys could swim

      They didn't swim, the keepers forgot to clip the monkeys' wings. Fly my pretties, fly! (Yes, I know she didn't actually say that anyway)

  9. Pete 2 Silver badge

    Don't leave paperclips lying around

    > caretaker failing to secure a pair of doors that led into the monkeys' enclosure.

    Or is that the cover story and the monkeys had learned how to pick the lock? For the third time!

    1. DJV Silver badge

      Re: Don't leave paperclips lying around

      Maybe they let them watch YouTube and they came across the Lock Picking Lawyer's videos.

      1. Yet Another Anonymous coward Silver badge

        Re: Don't leave paperclips lying around

        That's a click out of ook

  10. J.G.Harston Silver badge

    New edition of Shakespeare reported to be "rubbish".

    1. Ken Shabby Bronze badge
      Angel

      Well you know what they say “If you pay peanuts….”

    2. Fr. Ted Crilly Silver badge

      Recent improvement in Trumps speeches remarkable...

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        "They're not rambling, they're GENIUS"

  11. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Double set of gates is hard to build

    How difficult is it to build a double set of gates or doors where only one is able to be open at a time, like some banks have.

    Plus, who stole the banana cream pie I had sitting on the window sill?

    1. DS999 Silver badge

      Re: Double set of gates is hard to build

      Its more expensive to build - not only the gates but a larger building footprint to accommodate that setup. Given the fines quoted that would max out at a half million dollars or so I'm sure the single gate design is beancounter approved.

      1. Telman

        Re: Double set of gates is hard to build

        Not THIS beancounter!

  12. Joe Gurman

    Are they certain....

    .... it's not 12 monkeys?

    1. The Bobster

      Re: Are they certain....

      If it was, they would have captured them before they escaped - with a "blowing up Hitler" side-quest.

    2. James Anderson Silver badge

      Re: Are they certain....

      At last someone w it’s a bit of culture. However we need two and a half Bruce Willuses to save humanity. We ar doooooommeed.

  13. RedGreen925 Bronze badge
    Coat

    Inquiring minds want to know. Are they hard at it and busy in their hi-jinx re-writing Shakespeare????

    Thank ya I will be here all week.....

  14. chivo243 Silver badge
    Boffin

    really?

    I didn't know age was a deterrent to disease?

    Alpha Genesis says the animals "are too young to carry disease," if that's any reassurance.

    1. Yet Another Anonymous coward Silver badge

      Re: really?

      That's why nobody in contact with small children ever gets a cold

  15. Howard Sway Silver badge

    this isn't the first time such an incident has happened at the Alpha Genesis monkey farm

    Did nobody at the regulator even watch any dystopian 1970s science fiction movies? If someone sets up a lab and calls it "Alpha Genesis" it's a surefire guarantee that whatever gets out from it, the consequences are going to be not good.

    1. david 12 Silver badge

      Re: this isn't the first time such an incident has happened at the Alpha Genesis monkey farm

      I looked it up, and AG used to be called "Laboratory Animal Breeders Services", but "Now under new ownership". Classic Spider-Man plot line.

      1. Yet Another Anonymous coward Silver badge

        Re: this isn't the first time such an incident has happened at the Alpha Genesis monkey farm

        Hopefully the lock is fixed in Beta Genesis Monkey Farm

  16. DS999 Silver badge

    So if they are radioactive

    What powers do you get if you get bitten by one? Grow a tail? Swing from the trees? Insatiable urge to find someone with long hair and groom them eating any insects you find in their hair? A big red ass? An orange face....oh, I see this has happened already.

  17. AVR Bronze badge

    The facility's name is definitely something out of Aliens or another such movie. A corporate facility named 'Alpha Genesis' could never be anything good.

  18. I should coco

    Plague Dogs

    Or is this too speciest?

  19. Ravester
    Pint

    As usual, nobody will have seen anything, nobody will have heard anything and they`ll all keep schtum!

    I`ll get my coat...

  20. NIXFennec

    Another news source on this

    Has pretty comprehensive analysis: https://youtu.be/dsknNtrwsms

    1. harmjschoonhoven
      FAIL

      Re: Another news source on this

      Why, oh why, does the Earth spin in the wrong direction in https://youtu.be/dsknNtrwsms (again)?

  21. Brewster's Angle Grinder Silver badge

    I'll be honest, I initially misread it as "Alpha Genius Research Center" and thought, "Firm breeding super intelligent monkeys has allowed them to escape? This is how Planet of the Apes begins."

  22. _Elvi_
    Joke

    Obligatory Python referance ..

    ... "Know yer meds ..."

  23. Sanguma

    Just as long

    as there are no time machines invovled, or at least according to this author:

    https://www.michaelmoorcock.net/forum/the-miscellany/enclave-at-the-end-of-time-%E2%97%A6-members-work/enclave-story-challenge-2011/14942-why-time-machines-are-scarce

  24. An_Old_Dog Silver badge

    To Successfully Isolate Monkeys ...

    ... you have to be smarter than the monkeys you're isolating.

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