back to article BOFH: AI consultant rapidly transitioned to new role as automotive surface consultant

BOFH logo telephone with devil's horns "STAGE THREE KLINGON, SIX O'CLOCK!" the PFY warns, as I'm making inroads into a lunchtime plate of onion bhajis. "?" I ask, searching for a reflective surface in lieu of looking around. "Blue-gray suit. Calming blue tie," he murmurs, as the footsteps approach. "Simon, Stephen..." the …

  1. Michael H.F. Wilkinson Silver badge
    Coffee/keyboard

    "In fact, I've helped a number of people take that first step into the space program."

    It could only end one way. Clearly there has been a tragic Database Normalization Warning

    The boss's car didn't stand a chance. Hilarious episode!

    1. b0llchit Silver badge
      Happy

      Re: "In fact, I've helped a number of people take that first step into the space program."

      The car suffered an AI transition into supporting falling deadwood. Indeed, it had no chance.

    2. Mark 85

      Re: "In fact, I've helped a number of people take that first step into the space program."

      I was impressed by the "new" boss having an understanding of where not to park his car and open windows. I wonder how long he'll last?

      1. tyrfing

        Re: "In fact, I've helped a number of people take that first step into the space program."

        Since he's clued in, he's already lasted much longer than average.

        I suppose he'll last until he gets a directive that conflicts with the BOFH and he chooses...poorly.

        After all, that training has a large dropout rate as well.

        1. imanidiot Silver badge

          Re: "In fact, I've helped a number of people take that first step into the space program."

          In the end they always somehow decide they are finally the ones that will manage to get one over on the BOFH AND his PFY. They never actually are.

      2. Dave314159ggggdffsdds Silver badge

        Re: "In fact, I've helped a number of people take that first step into the space program."

        Clearly an internal promotion - soon to become an external demotion.

      3. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: "In fact, I've helped a number of people take that first step into the space program."

        He must be one of those rare bosses who survive - leaving the company of their own accord (and by the door, as opposed to leaving by the window at a vertical acceleration of 9,8 m/s2) before crossing the BOFH's and PFY's path.

  2. Joe W Silver badge

    ... almost there....

    "The Boss senses my mental struggle and moves Matthew another half meter away."

    At that rate the boss will move Matt along and onto the path of the PFY's Space Program. Or the footpath below the cafeteria's window. "Potato - solanum tuberosum" (I'll steal that phrase)

    1. Elongated Muskrat Silver badge

      Re: ... almost there....

      Indeed, "Solanum lycopersicum, tomato," as they say...

      1. Zarno

        Re: ... almost there....

        Did you know, you can graft tomato tops to potato roots? And even add in hot peppers, or eggplants...

        I haven't done it myself, but it's on my bucket list to try it out.

        Nature, it's a heck of a spud!

        1. Elongated Muskrat Silver badge

          Re: ... almost there....

          I had read that some tomato plants produce tubers, similar to potatoes, but due to the amount of solanidine they contain they are quite toxic (this is the poison in green potatoes, by the way). The fruiting bodies on potato plants are like small tomatoes, as well, but I'd not advise eating them.

          The danger of grafting tomato stems onto potato roots is that tomato plants are very keen on putting out aerial roots, and thus those stems will root, and potentially produce their own tubers, mixed in with the potatoes. Yeah, I'd not take my chances eating them, thanks. I just grow the two as separate crops. They like different conditions, and are best planted at different times in our climate, anyway.

          It's a bit like the novelty fruit trees, where different varieties of apples and pears are grafted onto the same rootstock; my grandparents had a tree which had a pear, an "eating" apple variety and a "cooking" apple variety grafted onto the same stock. The problem is that this is only really useful as a novelty. It's better to have three separate trees on their own stocks (or ungrafted if you want a "wild type" tree that you'll need to hire a cherry picker to harvest the fruit from), that way, you can optimise your harvest, and manage / remove diseased trees more easily.

          1. Zarno
            Thumb Up

            Re: ... almost there....

            Sound advice for not doing the taters on the bottom!

            The way I remember it, the usual non-novelty usage is grafting eggplants or peppers onto tomato root stock, because tomatoes have the hardier root system.

          2. Dinanziame Silver badge
            Angel

            Re: ... almost there....

            Well these plants are all in the nightshade family

        2. imanidiot Silver badge

          Re: ... almost there....

          Yes, you can graft tomato plants onto potato plant roots (https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0304423821001576, https://extension.purdue.edu/extmedia/HO/HO-260-W.pdf) though it seems the goal is usually to improve the root stock resistance against rot and pests to improve the yield of the tomato, not to harvest potatoes (And if the above ground plant puts a lot of energy into producing tomato fruits, I don't think the roots will produce an appreciable amount of sufficiently sized tubers for eating)

      2. Jonathan Richards 1 Silver badge

        Re: ... almost there....

        Huh. Used to be Lycopersicon esculentum when I had a job that cared about these things. Bloody taxonomists moving my mental furniture around!

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: ... almost there....

      "The Boss senses my mental struggle and moves Matthew another half meter away."

      What does this half of a meter measure? MegaBOFHs?

      1. FeRDNYC

        Re: ... almost there....

        0.5 meters can typically be expressed as 1 LARTlength.

      2. John Brown (no body) Silver badge

        Re: ... almost there....

        Yeah, it's one thing for El Reg to "standardise" on "American" English, it's quite another to mis-spell a unit of measure they don't really use outside of science labs and so most Americans probably would not even notice if it was spelled properly. Wikipedia gets it right, but NIST doesn't :-/

        1. FeRDNYC

          Re: ... almost there....

          *standardize. ;-)

        2. Marshalltown

          Re: ... almost there....

          Ah, you spell "metre," I spell "meter," you spell "fibre," I spell "fiber." There are aspects of American society that have caved to our metric overlords. Certain cardboard containers, for example, are by law "fibreboard".

  3. Bebu
    Devil

    The new boss was clearly

    born with a well developed survival instinct.

    Simon is slipping. By now I would have thought he would have installed concealed cameras covering all approaches to his lair (office), his back and his role transition device(s) as well displaying the cameras' images in a window on his screen.

    I imagine if he doesn't reevaluate his notion of what constitutes fine or at least healthy dining he might be facing an unanticipated role transition in the no too distant future which might not be too tragic if he were keen on barbecues.

    Classic:

    "Really?" Matthew says, impressed. "That first step's probably a big one."

    (Unusually prescient for a blighter of his water.)

  4. Alligator
    Terminator

    There's a hell of a dropout rate.

    ...as Matthew later found out.

    My keyboard will need drying after that one.

  5. Evil Scot Bronze badge

    This "Biomass Production Engineer" is suffering from frequent evacuation warnings.

  6. chivo243 Silver badge
    Coat

    every day Simon, every day...

    I resist the urge to reach for my linoleum knife...

    1. TeeCee Gold badge

      Re: every day Simon, every day...

      Beats reaching for your zombie knife and finding that, yet again, you've left it stuck in a zombie.

      I just wish we'd hire more smart people, zombie knives are expensive.

  7. Flocke Kroes Silver badge

    It took me a moment to figure out the New Boss

    Surely Matthew's arrival was scheduled at least a day before and New Boss should have been able to anticipate his departure before parking his car that morning. It makes sense if New Boss considered Matthew to be a problem IT could fix. Presumably at some point the police will be around to ask questions and an obvious question to avoid is "Why didn't you park in your usual space today?" Making an insurance claim sounds much simpler than giving the police a reason to be suspicious.

    1. tyrfing

      Re: It took me a moment to figure out the New Boss

      What are the chances that Matthew was hired by the boss's boss (or some higher layer) and the boss is just making the best of it?

  8. Jedit Silver badge
    Boffin

    "That first step's probably a big one."

    It's more of a giant leap, as I understand it.

    1. Brave Coward

      Re: "That first step's probably a big one."

      Or let's say a small step for the man, a giant step for inhumanity ?

  9. Anonymous Anti-ANC South African Coward Silver badge
    Devil

    "SO DO I!" the PFY gasps. "In fact, I've helped a number of people take that first step into the space program."

    "Really?" Matthew says, impressed. "That first step's probably a big one."

    "You have no idea," the PFY sighs.

    "And would I have heard of any of these people?" Matthew asks politely.

    "I shouldn't think so," the PFY says. "There's a hell of a dropout rate. So to speak."

    Translated : I've helped a number of people through the window on the 30th floor, but they just keep on falling...

    1. A.P. Veening Silver badge

      Translated : I've helped a number of people through the window on the 30th floor, but they just keep on falling...

      I first read that last word with an "i" for the first "l".

      However, upon consideration, there should be some of them that don't fail and rise to Heaven. The others will keep falling for a while longer.

  10. Marty McFly Silver badge
    Pint

    Human-fired power station

    Hard to believe The Matrix is a quarter-century old already.

    Given the current trajectory, society is on-track for the dystopian future it predicted for the year 2199.

    1. Pascal Monett Silver badge

      Re: Human-fired power station

      Yes, well with types like Zuckerberg, it's pretty obvious.

      1. Chasxith

        Re: Human-fired power station

        It'll have more corporate bullshit though. Like below courtesy of Gemini:

        ## Overly Corporate Job Titles for a Human-Fuelled Power Station

        ### Executive Roles

        1. **Chief Combustion Coordinator**

        2. **Vice President of Human Heat Harvesting**

        3. **Director of Sweat Equity Management**

        ### Technical Roles

        4. **Human Fuel Efficiency Engineer**

        5. **Biometric Burnout Analyst**

        6. **Ethical (or Unethical) Compliance Clown**

        ### Operational Roles

        7. **Human Fuel Intake Scheduler**

        8. **Power Generation Cheerleader**

        9. **Waste Product Enthusiast**

        10. **Public Relations Spin Doctor**

    2. chivo243 Silver badge
      Pint

      Re: Human-fired power station

      Is that how they make Soylent Green? It's been 51 years since it came out...

      1. Martin Gregorie

        Re: Human-fired power station

        ... but the original story ("Make Room, Make Room") is about seven years older than "Soylent Green". I used to know its author, Harry Harrison, who was a regular at a monthly SF gathering in a London pub, along with Arthur C, whose "Tales from the White Hert" describes an earlier incarnation of the SF group.

        Harry was a very nice, funny guy. I like his books and storys, especially "A Transatlanlic Tunnel,Hurrah, but I never liked "Make Room, Make Room", and so have never seen "Soylent Green".

        1. DoctorPaul Bronze badge

          Re: Human-fired power station

          Harry Harrison helped form a lot of my thinking back when I was a teenager, we all need to be Stainless Steel Rats!

        2. John 110

          Re: Human-fired power station

          Harry Harrison's wife sat on my lap at an SF convention in Edinburgh once, where she told scurrilous stories about Harry's fellow SF illumati...

          Footnote: there were a lack of chairs...

      2. M.V. Lipvig Silver badge

        Re: Human-fired power station

        Nah, Soylent Green is less burny burny, more grindy grindy.

    3. Dimmer Silver badge

      Re: Human-fired power station

      If it really becomes useful:

      Is your office paperless? Might be a good fit for AI.

      What job will be left for you? Government?

      Well in the states, at least half of the people either are on government subsidies or employed by it.

      Who will be left to pay the taxes ? I know I can’t. I am already at 50% +. Can you?

      I believe in government, but I despise bureaucracy.

      There are so many regulations and the whole infrastructure to support them that have no benefit to the people. Certainly countless things like medical regulation is needed, but painting fingernails, requiring id for livestock?

      If AI is going to take jobs, let it start there and it might actually benefit mankind.

      1. Sherrie Ludwig

        Re: Human-fired power station

        If AI is going to take jobs, let it start there and it might actually benefit mankind.

        Yeah, I don't want AI writing articles or papers for me, I want a Roomba that will clean my bathroom, and not just the floor. A clothes hamper that sorts the stuff tossed in, and at least notifies when there's enough for a load of a particular type.

  11. Blackjack Silver badge

    ["So, it's too late to move my car?" the Boss asks.

    "Oh yes."]

    Honesty he should know better that to park less that half a block from the building by now.

    Could be worse, he could have a Kia car and be "self driven" to death by getting run over by his own car.

    1. tyrfing

      He's clued in enough that he likely knows a designated spot close to the building is actually a bad way to maintain your car.

      However, there's probably a policy that if you don't use your spot you lose it - unless you're on the Board of course.

  12. krasssy88

    There is a great book touching the subject of potato - tomato hybrid https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Life_and_Extraordinary_Adventures_of_Private_Ivan_Chonkin

  13. K.o.R

    This boss barely bats an eye at casual murder. Probably how he's survived so long and intends to keep doing so.

    1. Korev Silver badge
      Holmes

      It's only "murder" if the BOFH gets caught

    2. imanidiot Silver badge

      What murder? It's not their fault the poor guy saw the futility of all he had achieved decided to take a very long step to ground level. They're probably not even the ones who left all the doors open or unlocked.

  14. Evil Auditor Silver badge

    At a conference, I once raised and discussed the question of the applicability of a certain EU regulation (which may or may not have been the AI Act) in the domestic market. One uber-clever guy, after reaching the limits of his argumentation, passed on the question to some popular LLM and blurted out its response, unfiltered and unverified, as a matter of fact.

    It was a real struggle to resist both the urge to humiliate uber-clever guy in front of the crowd and to bludgeon him.

    1. Blackjack Silver badge

      Next time just put a "Smile you are being filmed" sticker on the room and upload the video of his stupidity online.

  15. a cynic writes...

    I've just realised to my utter horror...

    The PFY must be in his mid-40s.

    He joined the BOFH in 1996 which was 28 years ago.

    Christ, I'm old.

    1. John Brown (no body) Silver badge

      Re: I've just realised to my utter horror...

      In the current work climate, it's often frowned upon when applying for jobs to have "stagnated" in the same role for so long. A year or two seems to be the accepted norm before moving onto different[*] pastures.

      * As well know, the grass is rarely greener on the other side.

    2. Fr. Ted Crilly Silver badge

      Re: I've just realised to my utter horror...

      There are pictures of BOFH and the PFY you know (forever young is they).

      In the basement on display in the bottom of a locked filing cabinet stuck in a disused lavatory with a sign on the door saying ‘Beware of the Leopard.”

  16. Bigkahoona

    Six o'clock

    6 o'clock is the back of your head, from a human perspective. But then again, these two both have impressive superpowers when it comes to bullshit and stupidity detection.

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