back to article Crack coder wasn't allowed to meet clients due to his other talent: Blisteringly inappropriate insults

Welcome once again to On Call, the weekly column in which readers tell their tales of tech support troubles and triumphs. This week, meet a reader we'll Regomize as "Nate" who told us a tale from the 1990s, when he worked for Her Majesty's Government at the sort of agency newspapers like to describe as "secret." Nate could …

  1. 42656e4d203239 Silver badge
    Pint

    Boat?

    Ah so the very quiet black ones as opposed to the targets? Say no more.... nudge nudge wink wink a nod is as good as a wink to a blind man eh?

    /icon becasue Friday and those particular navy types can down a few... a few more than their target based brethren anyway!

    1. b0llchit Silver badge
      Joke

      Re: Boat?

      Targets? You should be happy that it did not fire the cannons at your nearest harbour pub! When you meddle with "Boat" software, no one knows where the big bullets will hail down from and to.

      I'm very happy we don't update our "Boats" on Friday afternoon just before pub-time. That can only have nasty consequences, regardless the stability of the software.

      1. Lemmy_Rulez
        Megaphone

        Re: Boat?

        > You should be happy that <b>it</b> did not fire the cannons

        "It"?

        Good god man!

        In my day, one would have been keelhauled for referring to ones ship or boat as an 'it'.

        1. b0llchit Silver badge
          Trollface

          Re: Boat?

          I'm a land-rat. Water is too wet and too salty most places.

          1. Anonymous Coward
            Anonymous Coward

            Re: Boat?

            What about sand Anakin?

          2. ABehrens

            Re: Boat?

            But a splash of it improves ones whisky and whiskey.

    2. Korev Silver badge
      Pirate

      Re: Boat?

      That's very HMS Astute of you...

      1. KittenHuffer Silver badge

        Re: Boat?

        How HMS Daring of you to say so!

        1. Doctor Syntax Silver badge

          Re: Boat?

          I think you might be destroying the allusion.

        2. DancesWithPoultry
          FAIL

          Re: Boat?

          I think you will find HMS Daring is a ship, not a boat.

      2. Roj Blake Silver badge

        Re: Boat?

        What an HMS Audacious suggestion!

        1. Paul Crawford Silver badge

          Re: Boat?

          That is a HMS Triumph of a pun series there!

          1. KittenHuffer Silver badge

            Re: Boat?

            HMS Victory is sweet!

            1. Robin

              Re: Boat?

              HMS Ark Royal?

              Don't think I've got the idea of this game

              1. Umbracorn

                Re: Boat?

                You’re doing great! A quick sail up the Thames, a stop at Canary Wharf… Mornington Crescent in three moves.

                1. LogicGate Silver badge

                  Re: Boat?

                  What an ms Cockchafer

                  1. The Oncoming Scorn Silver badge
                    Pint

                    Re: Boat?

                    HMS Troutbridge.

                    1. Peter Gathercole Silver badge

                      Re: Boat?

                      Small detour. The Navy Lark's HMS Troutbridge was almost certainly modelled on HMS Troubridge, a real Royal Navy frigate of the era which was a wartime T-class destroyer that had a Type 15 frigate conversion after WW2 finished. At one time, it had the pennant number F09, which was also supposed to be the pennant number of Troutbridge. This was revealed in the episode "The Ghost Ship" (IIRC), where Troutbridge was abandoned in fog, only to be found again by our intrepid crew.

                      The pun was that the pennant number F09, which would have been painted on the side for identification purposes, looks like Fog. Enjoyable listen, in the madcap, roundabout way of things.

                      On the subject of boats and ships. Surface vessels of the Royal Navy are almost always referred to as Ships (although fast patrol and torpedo boats weren't), but submarines are almost always called Boats. I believe the US Navy does the same.

                      And just to be clear, both were always referred to in the female gender (as in "She was a good ship"), for some reason I can't remember. Maybe someone else can.

                2. Korev Silver badge

                  Re: Boat?

                  > You’re doing great! A quick sail up the Thames, a stop at Canary Wharf… Mornington Crescent in three moves.

                  Sorry, as there are ships involved we have to play using the East Tooting variation and that's not allowed.

                  Don't blame me, I don't make the rules!

                3. Fruit and Nutcase Silver badge
                  Coat

                  Re: Boat?

                  Samantha has not been seen for several hours since she went down searching for the first mate

                  1. ADJB

                    Re: Boat?

                    I would have thought she was looking for seamen.

                    1. Korev Silver badge
                      Childcatcher

                      Re: Boat?

                      She's already got the Rippling Sven standing to attention

                      1. Fruit and Nutcase Silver badge

                        Re: Boat?

                        he'll be getting off at Fratton before long

              2. Doctor Syntax Silver badge

                Re: Boat?

                "Don't think I've got the idea of this game"

                You need to understand the difference between a ship and a boat - and then work out which of HM's naval vessels are which.

              3. Mast1

                Re: Boat?

                Well maybe we could change the rules for you........

                How about "making obscure lack-of-links".

                Why, when we had a very successful cruiser (aka 'ship'), called HMS Belfast, do we have a domestic fitting called a 'Belfast sink'.

                OK, not giving up the day job just yet.

              4. This post has been deleted by its author

              5. Doctor Syntax Silver badge

                Re: Boat?

                "HMS Ark Royal?"

                You're getting carried away.

          2. jdiebdhidbsusbvwbsidnsoskebid Silver badge

            Re: Boat?

            Superb!

  2. diver_dave

    Err... Me

    During the great Manchester Telco fire.

    I was first in the office and discovered Manchester had been isolated from the rest of the world and we had no phones at all

    No chance of getting hold of the DR team and our fail over site was affected as well.

    I had a basic beta version of Sametime for Lotus running as a test. This was our only real time Comms available so I took over and started chatting with Edinburgh control and began moving link lines to our other site. Only one close colleague at the other site had Sametime.

    He started briefing teams and we had everything under control.

    Two hours later (09:30) DR rep finally showed up. By that point everything was messy but under control.

    DR rips into me regarding going out of my authority.

    I'm now stressed and severely caffeine deprived.

    Ok... Says I. Your f+#@*£ng problem now. Locked the PC and went for a smoke and coffee.

    Chatting outside with the Comms manager for a famous lift company who had the floor below us

    Back inside we drop a phone extension lead out of the window and patch my desk phone into their Virgin system. I now have the only working phone in the office.

    DR crawl up realising I am the only person with any Comms.

    Err...can you get back to managing the Comms? We can't contact anyone.

    Ask my boss. (Who I have on Sametime)

    But we can't contact him he's at xxx site..

    And...

    Apology followed immediately, followed by a polite promise not to second guess me again.

    Very pleasant memory

  3. Mishak Silver badge

    Not rude, but bizarre

    When I was working as a contractor I was working with another contractor* who had a habit of ending what had been a normal conversation with something along the lines of "sure, but the oranges aren't ripe enough today"*.

    I never did understand what he was trying to convey...

    * not literally, but the equivalent magnitude of "off topic".

    1. elsergiovolador Silver badge

      Re: Not rude, but bizarre

      I think more annoying is ending each sentence with "jioo naw wa rah meen?"

      1. Paul Herber Silver badge

        Re: Not rude, but bizarre

        init

        1. Adrian Harvey

          Re: Not rude, but bizarre

          init

          You shouldn't invoke init directly. Always use telinit(8) to change the system runlevel.

        2. Zarno
          Devil

          Re: Not rude, but bizarre

          "init"

          Careful, you'll risk coming down with a case of systemd if you say that out loud!

          Icon because daemons like evil jokes too.

    2. NXM

      Re: Not rude, but bizarre

      That's completely hatstand. Wibble.

    3. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Not rude, but bizarre

      Wait... that's me.

      I picked the habit up from my back door neighbor when I was a wee young'un, about 10 or 12.

      Some people will ignore it. Some people will just look at you funny. Some people will stop and say "what the f*ck are you on about?/Where is that from?/What am I missing?"

      It's an interesting touchstone into people's personality and passivity. I find the people that do the last are usually very intelligent folk and become great friends.

      1. J.G.Harston Silver badge

        Re: Not rude, but bizarre

        Not sure where I picked it up, but I'll sometimes finish off something close enough to finished to not waste more time as "good enough for government work".

        hmmm.... most of my adult paid work has been in public sector.... ;)

        1. Scott 26

          Re: Not rude, but bizarre

          > "good enough for government work"

          22 years working for or supporting a .govt and this phrase was ALWAYS in our lexicon....

          I think it was our most used phrase behind "let's try it... what could possibly go wrong?" & "relax, no babies died"

    4. Doctor Syntax Silver badge

      Re: Not rude, but bizarre

      We had a liaison officer whose way of saying it was time to get on with something else was "10 o'clock and not a nappy done."

  4. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Takes quite a talent to make a sailor blush.

    1. Anonymous Custard Silver badge
      Pint

      Hold my *%£%ing beer...

  5. Michael H.F. Wilkinson Silver badge

    How about automating insults

    In my early programming days (late 80s, early 90s, even before the first BOFH episode ever), I was developing a UI for an image processing system, which made life much more bearable for the PhD students and doctors trying to do their research. For many, a mouse was just something you spotted in the lab, rather than an input device for a computer, so I ensured there was an extensive help menu system and many (in my view) clear instructions on the screen. There was a robust error handling system in place to ensure input errors from users were handled, and clear error messages were displayed.

    Despite these efforts, some users tended to get things wrong very frequently, and then asked me what they should do. Almost invariably, I replied with: "Please read the instructions on the screen". They would proceed to do so, and then sheepishly perform the instruction, after which the system worked neatly (as a rule). This got so annoying at times that I toyed with the idea of entering a "blood_pressure" or "rudeness_index" variable in the system that rose whenever a user made an error, and slowly decreased in time as the user gave syntactically correct input. This would be linked to an extensive table of error messages, which would progressively become more rude as the blood_pressure variable increased. A bit along the lines of the BOFH excuse generator, but then for insults.

    Sadly (or perhaps fortunately) I never got round to implement it, but a man can dream.

    1. Mishak Silver badge

      One place I was at...

      One of the devs added a load of "messages" when debugging and forgot to remove one. Customer called in "I've been trying to do XYZ, but wasn't sure how. I've just got a message that says 'Nine out of ten intelligent people would have worked this out by now"". Luckily, he thought it was amusing...

      Another time a support guy had to drive 4 hours each way because "I'm following the instructions on the screen, but it's not working". The fix, implemented in front of the customer, was to use a Sharpie to write "L" and "R" on the mouse buttons.

      1. Michael H.F. Wilkinson Silver badge

        Re: One place I was at...

        I once had to indicate that the (wired) mouse worked a lot better if you pointed its "tail" away from you. Said user was complaining that my latest software update had caused the mouse to work in reverse. To her credit, she did blush in embarrassment when corrected.

        1. FeepingCreature

          Re: One place I was at...

          To be fair, that is at least somewhat counterintuitive. But hey, you can't spell "button" without (mouse) "butt".

        2. Anonymous Coward
          Anonymous Coward

          Re: One place I was at...

          I did once work with a user who's mouse was shaped like the rodent. It had the tail pointing out of the back end of it. Notwithstanding the odd shape and the pink diamonte, it just felt wrong on many levels.

      2. ricardian

        Re: One place I was at...

        IBM Data Transceiver (this was 1961) receiving cards but not printing text. Reported to BM tech who drives 250 miles from base, walks into room, moves "print" switch from "off" to "on", leaves room & drives 250 miles back to base.

      3. waldo kitty
        Boffin

        Re: One place I was at...

        The fix, implemented in front of the customer, was to use a Sharpie to write "L" and "R" on the mouse buttons.

        i had similar way back in the day... in the typing pool of one of our better clients... after waaaaaaaay too many support calls, i was tasked with "fix the problem!" and left to my own devices... that fix was to use gold rubbing stencils to put "ANY" on the space bar of every computer keyboard in the office... apparently many new users can be overly strict when starting out on computers and they were looking for the "Any" key when instructed to hit one... their upper management had a great laugh and bought me lunch that day! t'was quite fun, actually... although it did get very quiet back at our office with the lack of those particular support calls each day...

    2. uv
      Gimp

      Re: How about automating insults

      > This would be linked to an extensive table of error messages, which would progressively become more rude as the blood_pressure variable increased.

      Ah, the memories... "Your sound card works perfectly" (3x) -> "Enjyoing yourself?" --> "It doesn't get ANY better than this!!!"

    3. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: How about automating insults

      >"I toyed with the idea of entering a "blood_pressure" or "rudeness_index" variable in the system that rose whenever a user made an error"

      Coupled to the voltage level on the leads connected to the user's chair?

    4. Andy A
      Pint

      Re: How about automating insults

      Back in Ye Olden Days, we had a data prep job which required multiple character set conversions. The final stage was to produce a non-standard magnetic tape on the last 7-track tape deck in the company. The tape would then be shipped off to the customer.

      Unfortunately that tape deck was in Birmingham, so the data was sent down the leased line using RJE (Remote Job Entry).

      Operators being what they are, they were in the habit of ignoring instructions. They would allocate a 9-track unit, or forget the Write Permit Ring.

      I devised JCL which counted the number of stupidities, and produced more abusive comments. The job logs showed that one set of operators reached Level 6 before surrendering. Because I had control of the OS, I could suppress their ability to abandon the job, something which was kept secret from them.

      Icon because the customer was a brewery, and I had to visit several times during testing! =============>

  6. Pascal Monett Silver badge
    WTF?

    What the ever-loving **** ?

    "he loudly asked the boss if he was still having an affair with a colleague – in front of the entire office and the boss's wife"

    Okay, how is it that this guy wasn't fired the next day ?

    1. rgjnk Bronze badge
      Devil

      Re: What the ever-loving **** ?

      Depends - was it true?

      Had a situation in the past where something similar was happening, everyone knew, the pair involved knew everyone knew, and the carryon was taking place in work hours & frequently getting in the way of actual work as those involved would disappear mid job & leave everyone else waiting. Plus the expectation that people would just join in with the lie towards a partner they knew & liked.

      Eventually it went nuclear because people got pissed off with the selfishness and it was the only way to fix it.

      1. Doctor Syntax Silver badge

        Re: What the ever-loving **** ?

        Newbie at going home time - thinking he's unearthed such a situation: "Have you noticed how those two always leave together?"

        Everyone else: "Well they are married."

      2. rjsmall
        Joke

        Re: What the ever-loving **** ?

        Doesn't disappearing mid job defeat the purpose of the pair?

      3. Paul Herber Silver badge

        Re: What the ever-loving **** ?

        'Plus the expectation that people would just join in ... '

        Ah-ha. So, it's that type of scene is it?

      4. Richard Cranium

        Re: What the ever-loving **** ?

        I had an especially obnoxious boss who was seriously messing me about, finding fault where there was none. He was having an affair. My wife took matters into her own hands and made an anonymous call to his wife who said "I know" and burst into tears - so she empathised and it turned into a long "all men are bastards" conversation. (She ditched him).

    2. Doctor Syntax Silver badge

      Re: What the ever-loving **** ?

      It depends on whether the boss survived long enough to be around next day.

    3. Sam not the Viking Silver badge
      Pint

      Re: What the ever-loving **** ?

      We long suspected that our CEO, who 'ran' several of the group's UK companies from our site was having a 'meeting-of-more-than-minds' with the Finance Director, who was based on a different site. The CEO had bought a flat in our area to avoid hotel expenses or a long commute..... So he said. His office was adjacent to another and he/they mistakenly thought the no-longer-used connecting door was soundproof. They were frequently engaged together in whatever CEOs and FD's do, before disappearing off-site for some confidential meeting or conceivably (actually inconceivably) to do business.

      It all came to a very sticky end. The CEO was summarily dismissed for 'misuse of company funds' (involving the conversion of an off-the-books vehicle to a 'leisure-wagon'....). How this was discovered was never made clear but we know the FD really wanted that CEO position. She didn't get the job again after the new CEO was dismissed after a 'random' drugs test. (We had never had drug testing before!).

      She later accused the CEO of another company in the group of 'misconduct' but again failed to slip into that position.

      That FD is no longer a problem, at least to us ---->

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: What the ever-loving **** ?

        At a previous, long bankrupt, employer the FD got his son and his girlfriend summer jobs before they went to university. This would have been fine except she decided it was a good idea to have a fling with one of our colleagues *at work*. It was getting rather messy when I left.

        The colleague she had the fling with was later fired - and sent down - for stealing company laptops and selling them to his mates. I don't know if that was related...

      2. ShortLegs

        Re: What the ever-loving **** ?

        Reminds me of the time two VIPs came over to the UK. They visited the UK, mainly in London, but visited my site "up North", staying at a local hotel. When I arrievd to meet them for dinner, they were just comming back from tennis. Slightly surprised at the coincidentally matching tops, shorts, trainers, wristbands.

        He was plesant enough, but other VIP? A complete b****. And not just to me, but very rude and "entitled" towards the staff.

        As it happened I knew the hotel owner through the Chamber of Commerce. He was so annoyed with her he "innocently" asked if the invoice should be for one roomm as one room hadn't been used.

        They returned to London, where she decided the Interocontinental wasnt good enough, checked out and booked into Browns. And run up an expense bill that included chirpopody and manicures

        CEO hears of these escapades... both gone over a weekend.

        1. Doctor Syntax Silver badge

          Re: What the ever-loving **** ?

          "CEO hears of these escapades"

          You made sure of that?

      3. Evil Auditor Silver badge

        Re: What the ever-loving **** ?

        We, i.e. in a former life, had an HR manager more successful than your FD (not for the position of CEO though). Her task was to hire a new Head of IT for a certain unit. And she found that she was the most suitable person for that position, installing herself. I didn't stick around long enough to observe how it went...

    4. Ace2 Silver badge

      Re: What the ever-loving **** ?

      I think the boss got exactly what he deserved, and just like wedding disasters - everyone else there that day got a story they will never get tired of retelling. Priceless!

  7. vistisen

    The first place I was an IT supporter, there was a sysadmin who was a nice bloke until you got on the wrong side of him. The companies PCs where strictly controlled (back in late 90,s ). Users who annoyed him too much found that their desktops background would suddenly be a flashing pink/ yellow colour with a text telling them how many days they had to put up with that, and why? It never happened to me, but the BOFH did give me a taste of the windows BSOD screen saver after lunchtimes on several occasions.

    1. John Brown (no body) Silver badge
      Joke

      "but the BOFH did give me a taste of the windows BSOD screen saver after lunchtimes on several occasions."

      several occasions.? Slow learner, are we?

    2. PC Paul

      We had a security guy who was the same. If you annoyed him you'd find your swipe card stopped working for a while and you'd have to ring the bell and get some hapless colleague to let you in every time...

      1. Robert Carnegie Silver badge

        Time to get a new security guy or gal or other. And make sure that they know what happened to the old one and why.

  8. Aladdin Sane
    Coat

    Archimedes

    Did the displacement increase?

    1. Korev Silver badge
      Coat

      Re: Archimedes

      Acorny joke...

      1. Mast1

        Re: Archimedes

        One time when the end user was not trying to avoid riscs.

  9. Sgt_Oddball
    Megaphone

    Bless..

    Sounds like my old boss. He used to swear... A lot... Only the once directly at me (he was also an ex town crier so most of the office floor heard him) but often on group calls would occasionally be picked up on other live mics muttering after muting himself.

    On the flip side, he trusted his Devs and backed me up rather than throw me under the bus in my first work production f-up.

    Still the best person I've ever had the honour of working under.

    (Megaphone icon because he didn't need one)

    1. Pete Sdev

      Re: Bless..

      There's psychological studies that suggest that people who swear a lot tend to be more honest.

      At least that's my excuse, being known at my workplace as a Gordon Ramsey style coder, or having strong programming-tourrettes.

      1. Rich 11

        Re: Bless..

        There's psychological studies that suggest that people who swear a lot tend to be more honest.

        Anecdotally, I think the reverse may also be true.

        When I first started full-time work I used to work for a team leader who never swore at all. In the five years that I knew him I never heard him use any intensifier stronger than 'blooming'.

        He was a bully. He loved to throw his metaphorical weight around (and from his build you can bet that he'd done so physically at school), but he was careful not to cross the line to where someone would either thump him or report him. It was all just little things, just enough that you'd notice but not so much that you could call him out on them without the risk of appearing unreasonable. Some of us managed to find ways to stand up to him without causing him to lose face, and the realisation that we were on to him would be just enough to spoil his enjoyment so that he'd go look for an easier target. With the advantage of hindsight we should have handled it quite differently, I think, but back then I was young and much less certain of myself than I am now.

        When our department head retired, seventeen of us signed a letter saying that our manager was not fit to succeed him. If there'd been such a thing as HR back then (and if we'd had any confidence in them) I'm sure we would have got together and done something sooner, but the thought of the bastard widening his scope for harm was too much. He didn't get the job, but nothing formal was done about the complaint so we made sure the existence of the letter became known to him (though not the list of signatories). He was much more subdued after that, and finally left when his attempt to present a reorganisation plan got zero support from anyone in his team. His leaving-do was remarkable for its sparse attendance, so much so that his associates from other departments who did turn up commented on it -- some of them quite loudly, I was told!

        1. PC Paul

          Re: Bless..

          We had an unliked team lead who left for similar reasons. When the day of his leaving got close and it was obvious nothing was being arranged he sent out his own invites to a local pub for lunch on his last day. Nobody went at all.

  10. technos

    Never for rudeness, but..

    I've never seen a coworker banned from client sites for being rude, though I did have one that wasn't allowed on conference calls because he had the awful habit of forgetting to mute himself and then panting into the receiver like he was having a wank. In person he was fine.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Never for rudeness, but..

      25 years ago I worked for the council in Yorkshire's largest city. One of our colleagues was banned from client sites after allegedly saying "Don't worry your pretty little head, I'll soon have this sorted" to a director of the Finance department. In 2 years, I saw him do nothing except turn a server he was supposed to build for a client into a footstool and have an affair with a colleague...

      They couldn't get rid of him because he turned up every day.

    2. Phil O'Sophical Silver badge

      Re: Never for rudeness, but..

      panting into the receiver

      I remember one conference call where the remote manager had been quiet for a while, then we heard the unmistakable sound of gentle snoring.

      Much hilarity ensued in the conference room, but we liked him so I don't think anyone ever said anything.

      1. Caver_Dave Silver badge
        Big Brother

        Re: Never for rudeness, but..

        I have worked from home for many years.

        I was fairly ill one day, but joined an important, but very boring and long conference call (audio only). Where I was there only to answer any really detailed technical queries, if any occurred, which they didn't.

        My boss muted me after it became apparent to him that I "was breathing deeply" - luckily it wasn't full blown snoring.

        He didn't say anything at the time, but I confessed in my weekly 1-2-1 with him that I had fallen asleep and he recounted what happened.

        I now stand at my desk, so hopefully it will never happen again.

        1. J.G.Harston Silver badge

          Re: Never for rudeness, but..

          Standing meetings don't work for me. I have a blood pressure thing where if I stand for long periods I pass out. :( Discovered this when having my pressure taken with a (looks for spelling...) sphygmomanometer and woke up on the floor with bits of broken "plumbing" around me.

          1. John 110
            Coat

            Re: Never for rudeness, but..

            Ah, the old mercury ones -- long banned by the NHS. Although our last GP once made sure his door was shut, then fished his mercury equipment out of the cupboard to take my blood pressure.

            1. Doctor Syntax Silver badge

              Re: Never for rudeness, but..

              I was once recalled to the surgery. The GP had discovered that his shiny electronic sphygmomanometer calibration was faulty and had to recheck his patients with the mercury version. A digital display always looks so authoritative but usually there's no easy way to link it back to a physical standard. A weight on a balance or, as in this case, graduations on a glass tube make the physical reality clear.

              1. Anonymous Coward
                Anonymous Coward

                Re: Never for rudeness, but..

                "usually there's no easy way to link it back to a physical standard"

                Why not? I spent over a decade in pharma calibrations. Almost any calibration can be linked back to a physical standard, albeit with a number of hops through (ever-more-accurate) intermediate standards. The digital display for a sphygmomanometer (really just a pressure gauge!) would be easy.

          2. PC Paul

            Re: Never for rudeness, but..

            I find that standing for even a couple of minutes gives me bad back pains, but I can walk for hours with no problems at all. Guess I need one of those treadmill desks, Although I do have a bluetooth headset with decent noise cancelling so if I can arrange to join via my mobile I can have a nice stroll while still joining in as needed.

      2. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: Never for rudeness, but..

        That's at least better than having your boss swear at other people's driving, because he's on a call while driving, which was completely against company policy.

        And yes, he did end up shunted up someone's backside, had his cellphone records subpoenaed, and was released for violating policy.

      3. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: Never for rudeness, but..

        Memory unlocked... years ago we had a resident BOFH dedicated to our AS/400 system. Deep into a long and boring mid afternoon meeting, attendees noticed a snoring sound. A visual scan around the conference room that Nx2 eyeballs were visible, but only N-1 sets were in scan mode. The BOFH was the owner of both the stationary eyeballs and the nasal passages generating the noise.

        Apparently he's one of the small number of people who can sleep with his eyes open.

    3. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Never for rudeness, but..

      I can proudly say I'm banned from talking to senior management, as I tend to be quite blunt when I think they're wrong. My camera stays off in video calls, as my facial expressions also make it quite clear what think of their ideas.

      (I can be diplomatic and poker-faced when I try, but my patience runs out quite quickly).

      1. DMSlicer

        Re: Never for rudeness, but..

        Until very recently I was forbidden from using red text in emails.

        Over the course of my previous many-years-long stint as a lowly helldesk tech; I fielded a large number of support calls from various Directors and/or our Chief Executive. And whilst my troubleshooting efforts were always measured and professional and provided an accurate solution to whatever their ridiculously-urgent-problem-of-the-day was... lets just say that *occasionally* the same solution needed to be stated *repeatedly* using progressively smaller and smaller words and progressively larger and larger font sizes before the proverbial penny dropped.

        And thus it transpired one day that my AD told me they had received a complaint about not the content nor the tone of one of my support calls, but the colour. Apparently a particularly bullish Director had balked at being presented with a set of instructions that were partially highlighted in RED. The Horror. This resulted in a permanent blanket ban on my usage of the colour red in *any* work related email correspondence. Or at least it did until the recent retirement of the AD in question... :)

        (the ban also did very little to prevent me from frequently pointing out that the root cause of any particular problem could typically be found weighing the requester's chair down; a trait which has served me very well after naturally drifting into my current career in IT Security Manglement)

        1. A.P. Veening Silver badge

          Re: Never for rudeness, but..

          (the ban also did very little to prevent me from frequently pointing out that the root cause of any particular problem could typically be found weighing the requester's chair down; a trait which has served me very well after naturally drifting into my current career in IT Security Manglement)

          So the standard ID-ten-T error with the usual code of either PEBKAC or PICNIC.

          1. Doctor Syntax Silver badge

            Re: Never for rudeness, but..

            MAK - Monitor Adjustment Knob.

          2. imanidiot Silver badge

            Re: Never for rudeness, but..

            The problem is that due to popular usage, those codes are starting to get caught onto by the wrong users. I've seen at least some people switching to UOF (User Originating Fault).

            1. A.P. Veening Silver badge

              Re: Never for rudeness, but..

              Another nice one, based on an old commercial, is I3O for Intel Inside, Idiot Outside.

              1. D-Coder

                Re: Never for rudeness, but..

                ISO level 8 error.

        2. Doctor Syntax Silver badge

          Re: Never for rudeness, but..

          "current career in IT Security Manglement"

          In that role do you insist on plain text in emails?

      2. Martin-73 Silver badge
        Pint

        Re: Never for rudeness, but..

        I believe i'm slightly autistic, apparently my tone of voice varies from 'lecturing' to 'talking to the person like they're a fucking moron'.... In truth they often are

      3. Jay 2

        Re: Never for rudeness, but..

        On a recent Zoom call I was obv not happy about somerthing so I must have pulled a face/rolled my eyes/etc. One of my colleagues messaged me to remind me I had the camera on... Not sure if anyone else noticed!

        1. Martin-73 Silver badge

          Re: Never for rudeness, but..

          totally different industries but yes, same experience, people can be so stupid. "I am scared of electricity" says the woman with 5 daisy chained power strips, and ' i don't understand computers'

  11. tiggity Silver badge

    Inappropriate insults

    Calling out the boss for an affair with a colleague is arguably not an inappropriate insult.

    Assuming colleague was beneath the boss (pun intended) then there's a power imbalance in the relationship, which is not a good thing in itself

    But with the boss being married, calling out the boss for cheating on his wife is more an act of courage than an inappropriate insult if you take the (reasonable to many people) view that someone cheating on their partner is a bad thing.

    Probably not ideal for customers to be exposed to withering blasts of honesty, but within a company its a shame so many people are afraid to say what they really think about things (for fear of losing their jobs) leading to all sorts of bad practices becoming embedded in company actions.

    .. Though have to say it's absolutely stupid to make last minute untested changes.

    1. lglethal Silver badge
      Stop

      Re: Inappropriate insults

      I'd actually say the appropriate thing to do is take it to HR or Upper Management, and let them sort it out.

      If they dont step in to try and end it, or you happen know and be friends with the Partner, then talking to them in private is the correct thing to do.

      A public scene is absolutely NEVER the right place for this sort of thing. Hell for all you know, it could be an approved polygamous thing, that all 3 of the parties involved are happy with. So why take it upon yourself to out their familial issues in public?

      1. collinsl Silver badge

        Re: Inappropriate insults

        Unless they ARE HR/Upper Management...

      2. seldom

        Re: Inappropriate insults

        HR are only there to make sure nothing happens to the managers if they make "mistakes".

      3. Martin-73 Silver badge

        Re: Inappropriate insults

        maybe the person was just stating a fact

    2. Pascal Monett Silver badge

      Re: not an inappropriate insult

      No, it's just abysmally stupid when you're not the one deciding who gets fired tomorrow.

      But hey, if you don't have the Darwinian credentials to understand that, then get fired at your convenience.

    3. doublelayer Silver badge

      Re: Inappropriate insults

      Without any information, it's hard to know what led to that, but I'm inclined to think there was not an excuse for it. If this was a potential harassment, public comments are not as good as actually telling someone in authority who can investigate it, especially when those comments allege consent and, by definition, you're suggesting there wasn't. There's also a possibility that no relationship existed and this comment was intended to cause suspicion and discord. That doesn't mean that the person should not be allowed to say it, but just that I wouldn't jump to the conclusion that it was honest and meritorious to do so.

  12. deive

    Can telling the truth really be all that rude?

    1. Anonymous Coward Silver badge
      Joke

      Of course it fucking well can be, you muppet.

      ;-)

      1. jdiebdhidbsusbvwbsidnsoskebid Silver badge

        As seen on a poster at my child's school (intended for the pupils):

        "Is it kind, helpful or honest? If it's not at least two of those things, don't say it.". I've generally found that to be pretty good advice, usually spot on.

        1. John Brown (no body) Silver badge

          Many a rude and withering insult can be both helpful[*] and honest.

          * Helpful is a wonderfully undefined word. Helpful to whom? :-)

        2. G.Y.

          I think this is due to Socrates

    2. phuzz Silver badge
      Trollface

      "Hi Deive, you're looking uglier than normal today! Have you put on weight?"

      1. KittenHuffer Silver badge
        Trollface

        Not sure if he's put on weight, but certainly seems dumber than usual today!

      2. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        so you don't sweat much for a fat lass

      3. Paul Herber Silver badge

        So many people these days consider it their duty to keep the doughnut industry on its feet. Yes, that's all of you.

        1. Sam not the Viking Silver badge

          We used to judge off-site meeting attendees by their 'pie-count'.

          1. Lemmy_Rulez
            Devil

            Try playing "Play your arse right" instead.

            Based on the former Bruce Forsyth TV vehicle, one has to guess whether the arse on the next employee to walk through into the meeting room will be <i>bigger</i> or <i>smaller</i> than the last.

        2. Paul Herber Silver badge

          Those of you who can remember seeing your feet, that is, or other parts of your body!

      4. Contrex

        I had a colleague just like that, and people used to be disappointed if he didn't insult them. How are you, Mark?

    3. lglethal Silver badge
      Joke

      "Man, Engineering is an Art. And you are painting like a f%&king Kindergartner!"

    4. mostly average
      Joke

      I daresay it depends on the delivery. If a doctor were to tell a patient "life is like a box of chocolates; The way you eat, it won't last long," it may be truthful, but there are those who may consider it slightly rude.

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        My wife had a doctor that told her - in almost these exact words - "If you want to live to see your grandchildren, you need to lose a lot of weight." Realistically, there's no reason to believe she won't live another 30+ years.

        That doctor doesn't work there anymore. (Apparently he had been going through a messy divorce, and his bedside manner had become exceptionally rude and condescending to many patients.)

        P.S. "An overweight woman tends to live longer than the man who mentions it."

    5. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      "Parking ticket"

      Recently saw a yellow rectangle with black striped edges and heavy black printing stuck on a car windscreen. At first glance, a parking ticket.

      At second glance it said

      You are parked like a PRICK. Don't do it again."

      M.

  13. 0laf Silver badge
    Flame

    Used to have a sysadmin who was very good indeed at his job but was well known for picking his nose and flicking it, or picking the wax out his ears, or farting loudly etc all in meetings with significant people. He was very clever and not at all unpleasant otherwise to work with and one suspects it was an effective strategy to stay way from the high up ones.

    Myself was/is known for being, if not rude then, very blunt. I was often wheeled to the front of meetings Hannable Lector style when some presenter of a service or product required some demolition.

    Some of my happiest memories are of ruining product presentations with a well timed question.

    I didn't (don't) really care if it upset the salesperson, after multiple decades of being lied to by them at pretty much every encounter I no longer regarded them as people. Not in that context anyway.

    1. Caver_Dave Silver badge

      "...with a well timed question"

      Used to double-team with my boss during job interviews.

      My boss would do all the fancy HR type and general IT questioning, and then it was my turn.

      I had a reputation for just asking one highly technical question, which generally decided it for us, if the person was any good or not. This question was usually a comparison between two things the interviewee claimed they knew in huge depth and should have been easy for anyone who did know their stuff. My bullshi1t Radar was fairly good in those days, and it usually only took the one question to find them out.

      It was not unknown for the interviewee to dissolve into tears and leave. But, it's their own fault for lying! (The last crier was aged 55 and claimed 35 years experience! He couldn't explain the difference between similar concepts in two different certification standards - knowledge that was essential for the job.)

      1. DancesWithPoultry
        Coat

        Re: "...with a well timed question"

        > Used to double-team with my boss during job interviews

        Fnarr fnarr

  14. StewartWhite Bronze badge

    Rudest IT Support Guy Ever

    This guy has to be the gold standard for rude IT support: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=02a723LsoFA&t=2s&ab_channel=Takaouto

    1. tfewster

      Re: Rudest IT Support Guy Ever

      https://www.youtube.com/results?search_query=nick+burns+your+company%27s+computer+guy

  15. KittenHuffer Silver badge
    Joke

    Have seen ....

    .... plenty of caffeine coders, pizza coders, and even one or two amphet coders ...... but never seen a crack coder yet!

    1. John Brown (no body) Silver badge

      Re: Have seen ....

      "but never seen a crack coder yet!"

      I hear windows can have cracks in them. Some windows have so many cracks in then they need to be patched up every month, by a team a crack coders!

    2. AceRimmer1980
      FAIL

      Re: Have seen ....

      The pavements round my way must have an officer whose job is to ensure that the cracks are up to code.

    3. jake Silver badge

      Re: Have seen ....

      Well, "crack" is another form of cocaine, and Silly Con Valley from the late 1970s to the mid '90s was built on the stuff, so ...

  16. trevorde Silver badge

    Not so secret or stealthy

    For those boats which are not targets, the most reliable way to locate them is to follow the pizza delivery man

  17. disgruntled yank Silver badge

    Rude

    The owner of a company I worked for almost 40 years ago was the son of an Army NCO, and had had the bounds of his vocabulary set when very young. This meant that the sales staff was always nervous about his meeting customers, even when he was in a good mood. As best as I recall, he saved his rudeness, sometimes but not always alcohol-fueled, for the staff. I can remember sitting in a meeting where he spoke, so furious that I could feel my face going numb.

    But he was not the rudest. That would probably have to be the DBA/programmer I worked for on a government contract. In that end of the contracting world, the contracting officer's technical representative (COTR, pronounced co-tar) is more or less the Right Hand of God. Dave (not his name) invited a new female COTR to sit on his lap. He narrowly avoided being fired for sexual harassment of one of that COTRs young staff. He also asked some Black operators why they didn't go back to Africa. (I'm not sure why he wasn't fired for that--my guess is that too much paperwork is as likely an explanation as technical proficiency.)

  18. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    The C bomb

    I currently work with some who think nothing of dropping C bombs frequently in meetings for no real reason.

    Doesn’t matter if they are in a good mood or bad mood c bombs get dropped with high frequency.

    Something about the culture in their country of origin.

    Takes you by surprise when it’s your 1st day and c & other bombs are dropped on work calls.

    1. KittenHuffer Silver badge

      Re: The C bomb

      Australians then!

      1. Lemmy_Rulez
        Stop

        Re: The C bomb

        Nah, they aren't Australian.

        It's merely the case that OP is American.

    2. NITS

      Re: The C bomb

      Was his name Bruce?

    3. My-Handle

      Re: The C bomb

      I knew a guy like that. It made being around him rather awkward in social situations. He was a local, so no "cultural differences" excuse could be used.

    4. John Brown (no body) Silver badge

      Re: The C bomb

      "I currently work with some who think nothing of dropping C bombs frequently in meetings for no real reason."

      I once worked with someone like that. His word was "fuck". We once challenged him to not say fuck for 10 minutes one lunch break. Every time he tried to join in the conversation he got maybe one or two words out and then dried up with a pained look on his face. Then he just stood up and said "Ah fucking fuck it!" and walked off as we all burst out laughing. He never changed :-) Nice guy.

      1. the Jim bloke

        Re: The C bomb

        I briefly worked under a guy who punctuated his speech so consistently, that he was universally known around site as "Fukn". That spelling is accurate.

        Last I heard he was heading into senior management.

  19. TimMaher Silver badge
    Coat

    Pasty

    Down in Devonport then?

    1. The Oncoming Scorn Silver badge
      Pint

      Re: Pasty

      There used to be a Ivor Dewdney pasty shop in nearby Stoke (or sold in a Fish n Chip shop) IIRC in the 80's.

      Wasn't to keen on Ron Dewney's pasties in Plymouth city centre & I think they got bought out by Ivor's company in the 00's.

      The least said about Ginsters the better.

  20. housey88

    Looking at the personality traits and skills of the “young coder” with today’s understanding would lead one to think about Neurodivergence.

    1. A.P. Veening Silver badge

      Looking at the personality traits and skills of the “young coder” with today’s understanding would lead one to think about Neurodivergence.

      All top coders I ever met were (and most still are) neurodivergent with most of them somewhere on the ASD scale.

  21. Rtbcomp

    Bankers

    I used to be a field service engineer in 1970s working in local branches of most of the UK high street banks. One day the staff sat down to their morning tea and biscuits without offering me one. I downed tools, told the staff if anyone wanted me I'd be in the cafe across the road and off I went. I always got tea and biccies from then on.

    1. Sam not the Viking Silver badge
      Pint

      Re: Bankers

      Our site-staff took biscuits for the customer's staff. Consequently, we were always welcomed and if any machinery problems arose, we were informed before their management in the hope that it would elicit a quick-visit. It was like feeding ducks at the pond but a brilliant, cost-effective policy.

      ---> in lieu of biscuits.

  22. Felonmarmer

    Not so Civil Engineers

    One of the modelling tools in highway engineering used to be MOSS, then renamed MX.

    Alignments and strings within the model had to be named, and these names were 4 letters long. One of my colleagues choice of string naming got very creative if the software had not been helpful that day.

    1. G.Y.

      Re: Not so Civil Engineers

      Do you mean names like FDIV?

  23. NXM

    Sweary co-director

    I started a company with a guy who seemed fine on the surface but turned out to be a self-absorbed twat.

    We were in a meeting with a female boss of a company with a pitch that could've been incredibly useful to both of us. My co-director decided to make a series of spectacularly inappropriate sweary jokes. You could see the disgust on our prospective partner's face. Clear disgust. My colleague wouldn't stop.

    We did not get the deal.

  24. Boris the Cockroach Silver badge
    FAIL

    Sweary secrets

    I used to work for <cough cough> in the 80's doing much the same as "Nate".

    And while I cant go into much details about the department I attended , there were stories to tell about what really went on (In the words of the late Pterry "I cant tell you 1/2 of what went on and you'd never believe the other 1/2")

    But one story does deserve the light of day, you see the unit next to us had new fangled video recorders for recording stuff that happened on board, and they interupted a perfectly good poker game with "Hey you guys... you gotta watch this...." and its the raw tape of an exercise and the captain is barking down orders from on high and the rating standing next to the camera is saying some very NSFW phrases in describing what he thought of the captain. most amusing. and our neighbours are gonna copy the tape and go "oops... deleted the sound sorry", except whitehall rings up and wants to see the tape pronto. "But we have not finishing processing it...." "No worries raw unedited tape will do..." and off it went to be watched by some very senior staff....

    We heard that rating spent the rest of his career scrubbing toilets at one of the stone frigates.

    1. Manolo
      Pirate

      Re: Sweary secrets

      "captain is barking down orders from on high and the rating standing next to the camera is saying some very NSFW phrases in describing what he thought of the captain."

      Being neither a native speaker nor familiar with navy ranks, isn't the function of a rating to rate the captain?

      Seems to uninitiated me he was just doing his job.

  25. Will Godfrey Silver badge
    Happy

    Some people just have 'the voice'

    There was one who was the production manager at a huge print works. and us as their preferred service/repair company were frequently in and out.

    On one occasion a couple of us were trying to sort out an intermittent fault that stopped a press in mid run - resulting in a rather messy clean up job. We were well known, and the workforce left us alone to get on with it. Only there was one new guy that kept coming up to us and asking questions, and generally being a nuisance. We said nothing just tried to ignore him, but it was seriously slowing us down.

    Eventually the production manager came over to see how we were getting on and spotted afore mentioned numpty. Now print shops are extremely noisy environments, however we could clearly hear the production manager quietly say "Go away... Now... Do not return. You are no longer employed here." Said numpty went white, and almost ran.

  26. ShortLegs

    Different branch, same MoD, 1991

    Posted into a team of system analystrs (Senior NCOs) and programmers (Junior NCOs), with a team of Civil Servants providng admin support and an HEO-grade as a QA. "Sam" was eagle-eyed, very sharp. and by all accounts had no sense of humour, Everyone dreaded taking work to him for QA.

    As programmers, we created MS-DOS turnkey applications in CA Supercalc, GRASS, Paradox. I take a program to him for QA. He gets to the point where it says "Press Any Key To Continue". And he presses the CTRL key, the SHIFT key, the ESC key.. and nothing happens. "Fail. Try again". He was correct, but all the same.

    Me being me... I wrote a small TSR that intercepted key presses and fired up a DOS pop-up if the ESC, CTRL or SHIFT keys were pressed. Installed it on his PC. Take some work in.... Sam presses the CTRL key and up pops a window "F**k off, Sam" when he presses the CTRL key. It did make him smile, and after that we not only got on like a house on fire, but I never had to submit my work to QA again!

    1. A.P. Veening Silver badge

      Lovely.

      I had more or less the same problem. I used a label writer to create a label "Any Key" and stuck it on his space bar.

  27. Throatwarbler Mangrove Silver badge
    Flame

    I might know this guy

    At my last job, there was a particularly infamous programmer who was apparently quite competent...within a narrow range of skills. At various points, I had to explain to him concepts like DNS aliases, virtual machines, etc. He also had a propensity for long-winded and abusive emails to anyone he believed had not met his expectations, even when he didn't have the slightest clue about the rationale for the other person's actions. As long as he stayed in his lane, he was fine, but, over time, he accrued quite the list of people who either wouldn't deal with him or whom he was explicitly forbidden to email.

  28. david 12 Silver badge

    I worked with a bloke who had a real talent for dangerous humor. He didn't use it to annoy paying clients, but for example I've seen him run out of engineering office for saying "we'll do the work here -- that way we'll be covered by your liability insurance", and the local RC priest refused to shake hands with him after some perfectly harmless joke about little boys...

  29. Jc12

    Have a think beyond your own nose. People gifted with exceptional memories and quick thinking puzzle solvers but have a severe lack in social skills including not knowing what is inappropriate speech. Oh yes, that's right it's autism. Asperger's and neurodivergent registered people have these skills and suffer the symptoms. They are no way intentionally being rude to anyone. And they are very much truth tellers. So he must have witnessed something and wanted someone to confirm that that's what it was

  30. RobDog

    Rude boss

    I went for an interview at a former High St electronics retailer in the mainframe room. The dc boss had an interview ‘technique’ where he had the chat, talked about the job, so far so good, but then asked a ‘controversial’ question that was designed to make me lose my temper, and he feigned an angry attitude trying to make me argue with him. It was so obvious and transparent I just talked normally and even slightly mockingly. When he was finished he reverted to normal. He just came across as a fool. I got the job but didn’t take it.

  31. AceRimmer1980
    Thumb Down

    Worked at a place where the boss was a bit weird. Abrupt, strange, no people skills, but he was at least enthusiastic, and a razor sharp businessman. He'd grown the company from nothing to a multimillion empire, still going strong.

    His sons. Ah yes. Recruited straight from school, they had inherited their Dad's personality, but not his brains. They were initially on customer support, but later on, only answered phones when there was no other option. They made screwup after screwup, but..we had to treat them with kid gloves because..bosses sons. They were put where they could do least harm so, nothing customer facing or technical. AFAIK they were still just rearranging boxes, into their 30s. They were only there because they'd be unemployable anywhere else, including McD's.

  32. bill 27

    Weeeellll...it's like this...

    My boss asked me to not answer the phone...even if I was the only person there.

  33. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Navel Gazing

    "After a little navel-gazing...."

    Surely in this case that should be naval gazing.

    1. imanidiot Silver badge
      Coat

      Re: Navel Gazing

      Have a begrudging upvote. Now get out!

  34. Pacman950

    I hear people still tell stories about me.

  35. Combat Epistomologist

    "Oops"

    I worked once in the tech support department of a certain Very Large Software Company whose name begins with M. I'm sure you know the one. One of the more senior support engineers would sit at his desk speaking with a customer in calm, unflappable dulcet tones somewhere between your therapist and Chuck Yeager ... and then he would mute his headset mic and shout unprintable profanities about the customer's utter stupidity in a voice that could be heard down the hallways.

    Then came the day when his headset mic mute button failed ...

  36. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    ending a tech exploration meeting i hosted in a closed room, my team lead ended our session with "i just queefed in my chair." there 5 of us on the team in the room. elsewhen, among other choice words i was told (perhaps in jest? yet what would never pass if our genders and ages were flipped), "we only keep you around because you're pretty." because frontend, y'know, and demographics.

    i have an endless supply after 2 decades of work history.

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