back to article BOFH: The Boss is right, the applications of AI are truly staggering

BOFH logo telephone with devil's horns The Boss is on an AI high, having spoken to yet another well-fed and funded zealot about how much benefit AI will bring to the workplace. "We already have it," I say, after he regales us with a (no doubt plagiarized) monologue about the power of AI to solve unique business problems. " …

  1. Korev Silver badge
    Terminator

    "And ours," I repeat. "We've both got the same settings. No one's going to suffocate."

    "Then you won't mind spending half an hour in my office while I spend half an hour in yours?" the Boss asks, "AFTER you disconnect the automatic control of the damper in this room??"

    This boss was smarter than the rest, no wonder he “jumped” from a tall window….

    1. Chloe Cresswell Silver badge

      The idea of a pivoting window to expel a boss does lead to the future outcome of boss pinball?

      1. Jedit Silver badge
        Angel

        "The idea of a pivoting window to expel a boss"

        Well, it makes a change from the usual revolving door recruitment policy.

      2. Benegesserict Cumbersomberbatch Silver badge

        I just discovered AI is risk stratifying the CT brain scans ordered from the Emergency Department. So after he's stopped bouncing, it will be waiting for him when they wheel him in on a trolley from the ambulance as well

  2. Hot Diggity

    Bosses

    The bosses seem to get greener and greener. Spending half an hour alone in the easiest place for the PFY and BOFH to booby trap. Tut tut.

    If the new boss is any greener, they will start to reverse climate change.

  3. Red Sceptic
    Pint

    As ever, a beautifully crafted story - one thing builds on another, tension increases as we wonder what will happen to the boss, and all the pieces come together at the end.

    Simon, this is a small masterpiece that should be part of the GCSE English canon!

    Have one! ->

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      A welcome relief

      And a reminder to us all.

  4. Doctor Syntax Silver badge

    A window! It's been some time since we had a window.

    1. Hot Diggity

      Is it the Arch Window?

      1. KittenHuffer Silver badge

        It rotated ..... so probably the round window!

    2. Korev Silver badge
      Terminator

      I’m surprised the kill bots in the basement haven’t put in an AI-related appearance recently…

      1. Blackjack Silver badge

        The Killer Roomba can now clean poop, but they still can't climb stairs. And the service elevator was removed as hardware keep "disappearing".

        1. TheWeetabix Bronze badge

          Hardware

          Is that the new term for a beancounter?

      2. Doctor Syntax Silver badge

        Putting the two together might be too big a risk even for the BOFH.

    3. phuzz Silver badge
      Linux

      You don't want to mention Windows round here...

      1. Michael H.F. Wilkinson Silver badge
  5. Bebu
    Windows

    the 'sheep' entrance...

    you notice that the 'sheep' entrance has a two-meter-high doorway and several coat hooks.

    Rather grisly implication and an unpleasant reference but probably quite applicable in this AI context.

    1. Korev Silver badge

      Re: the 'sheep' entrance...

      I wonder what wool happen there…

    2. KittenHuffer Silver badge

      Re: the 'sheep' entrance...

      I thought that building it in a place called Soy-Le-Entgreen might have given it away!

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: the 'sheep' entrance...

        >"Soy-Le-Entgreen"

        How's it taste?

        1. Uncle Slacky Silver badge

          Re: the 'sheep' entrance...

          It varies from person to person.

          1. Anonymous Coward
            Anonymous Coward

            Re: the 'sheep' entrance...

            Now THAT is a beauty. Respect.

            Still laughing :)

          2. TheWeetabix Bronze badge

            Re: the 'sheep' entrance...

            I was too snookered to laugh at first. Lovely!

            1. M.V. Lipvig Silver badge

              Re: the 'sheep' entrance...

              A two meter door on the sheep side and coat hooks? I think you missed the real point, baa-baaa-baa-baayby! Boom chaka waa waa! It wouldn't be the first time Simon referenced the Scots!

    3. TekGuruNull

      Re: the 'sheep' entrance...

      "Are you proposing to slaughter our tenants?"

      Does that not fit within your plans?

      "No. We wanted a standard block of flats, not an abattoir."

      Can I ask you to reconsider? You won't regret it. Think of the tourist trade.

      1. Giles C Silver badge

        Re: the 'sheep' entrance...

        For those wondering about the reference https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e2PyeXRwhCE

  6. Sam not the Viking Silver badge

    Verbal communication

    When I was doing my training, we worked in a variety of different offices in order to gain experience of different departments.

    The 'Contracts Office' was a half-floor with two cubicles, one for the 'Chief' and one for the 'Manager'. These two people despised each other and would not communicate except by passing notes through a sliding-hatchway, especially built for such purposes. They never visited each other's domain. The reason for the stand-off was lost in the sands of time.

    For some reason, the Chief's office was always cold; the Manager's office was always hot and he had the window open, almost all year.

    After the older of the two retired, the whole floor was refurbished and it was found that the room-thermostats, affixed to the adjoining wall, had been interchanged.

    1. KittenHuffer Silver badge
      Pint

      Re: Verbal communication

      I suspect that the BOFH may have had a hand in that little situation!

      ---------> For whomever engineered such a wonderful situation!

    2. Anonymous Anti-ANC South African Coward Silver badge

      Re: Verbal communication

      After the older of the two retired, the whole floor was refurbished and it was found that the room-thermostats, affixed to the adjoining wall, had been interchanged.

      GENIUS!!!!

      No doubt done by a pissed-off BOFH (or somebody who bribed the installers well)...

      Or it was done purely by accident.

      1. Doctor Syntax Silver badge

        Re: Verbal communication

        It's always done purely by accident.

    3. TheWeetabix Bronze badge

      A clue!

      Thermostat fights in offices are an infamous source of stress, I wouldn’t doubt it started there, and then after the cubicles were built, someone who was tired of their antics decided to really play ball.

  7. s. pam
    Angel

    Robot -- my boss is here...

    "Robot please insert anal protection probe before my boss dumps more work on me"

    1. BenDwire Silver badge
      Facepalm

      Re: Robot -- my boss is here...

      A protection probe? Is that what you always tell them ... ?

    2. chivo243 Silver badge

      Re: Robot -- my boss is here...

      There’s a Dr. Smith joke in there somewhere…my boy!

  8. rockpile99
    Pint

    Death by Window

    What a great way to bring back an old favourite - top work Simon.

  9. Groo The Wanderer

    Bingo! Damn but that BOFH is spot on this time!

    "Really?" I interject. "I know they SAY it will, but it won't. In some ways, it's a bit like being a builder. They ask you to build a slaughterhouse for sheep and cows, but then at the end of the project you notice that the 'sheep' entrance has a two-meter-high doorway and several coat hooks."

    1. steelpillow Silver badge
      Windows

      It's ... the Architect Sketch

      Anybody remember the Architect Sketch and the whirling knives?

      Guess what I was studying at the time...

      1. HorseflySteve

        Re: It's ... the Architect Sketch

        But do you have a second-hand apron?

  10. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    "... truly staggering"

    a stoic approach by BOFH. Shock and awe them.

  11. A. Coatsworth Silver badge
    Pirate

    >>"Then you won't mind spending half an hour in my office while I spend half an hour in yours?"

    Ha! the boss fell victim to one of the classic blunders.

    1. Doctor Syntax Silver badge

      Fell being the operative word.

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      He got involved in a land war in Asia?

      1. A. Coatsworth Silver badge

        Worse, he went against a BoFH when booze money was on the line!

  12. Pete Sdev

    "There was a small fire and it looks like he panicked and jumped out the window"

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      "There was a small fire and it looks like he panicked and jumped out the window"

      (body)

  13. Will Godfrey Silver badge
    Thumb Up

    Never disappoints

    Title says it all.

  14. Dostoevsky Bronze badge
    Pint

    Loved It!

    Very clever! Just the thing to lighten up my Baby's-First-Java-Program grading session.

    Top marks!

    1. TheWeetabix Bronze badge

      Re: Loved It!

      I recall a scene where he notices a classroom without an instructor and goes in and teaches them some of the finer points of computing… Just a suggestion…

  15. Boris the Cockroach Silver badge
    Pint

    I need

    that office.

    Or at least the designs so I can modify our beancounter's office to match.....

    After all the comment from the PFY this morning when the words 'weekly production meeting' echoed across the office was rather unprintable. but I'll attempt to translate.

    "You make me sit through that meeting again and I'll injure you in a vital place" *... yeah that seems about right.... although I'm surprised a lady would know the words she actually used.

    So once again a morning was wasted..... I could see the intelligence melting out of peoples brains as the beancounter droned on and on.... my only hope... see icon

    *The actual phrase was (please dont read if you are of a delicate disposition, or easily offended) "You ****ing hide under that ****ing machine again and I'll cut your ****ing balls off with a ****ing hammer"

    1. Doctor Syntax Silver badge

      Re: I need

      The appropriate response is "You can have weekly production or you can have a meeting but not both. Make your mind up."

  16. xyz Silver badge

    Bet...

    The Kalamity Kapsule comes back with added AI... Just no squidy astronauts this time.

  17. hplasm
    Holmes

    *** PURDEY SUSPECTS ***

    Air vents close...

    (wheres the bowlet hat icon?)

  18. FeRDNYC

    Yes, the Boss was on to something...

    Specifically, the pavement beneath that window.

    Smeary!

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