back to article BOFH: The true gravity of the Boss and the 3-coffee problem

BOFH logo telephone with devil's horns It's earlyish in the morning and the Boss has a problem. His solution to the problem is the same as it normally is – to pass this problem onto the PFY and myself... "Hmmm," I say, reading through the email he has forwarded to me.  "This could be a three-coffee problem." "What's a three- …

  1. Korev Silver badge
    Coat

    And that was the last thing the Boss ever chainsaw...

    1. John Brown (no body) Silver badge
      Thumb Up

      Chainsaw? We're (real-life) DOOMed!!!

  2. MisterHappy

    More Coffee!

    After 8 coffees the BOFH needs to be pointed at the coloured pencil brigade

    1. Blackjack Silver badge

      Re: More Coffee!

      Don't worry if you outrun him for over 30 minutes he then has to go to the toilet because he drank too much coffee.

      Unfortunately that won't save you if he decided to wear an adult diaper to catch up on all those gaming hours he is behind at.

  3. Doctor Syntax Silver badge

    A 3-coffe problem? No shit, Sherlock.

    1. Aladdin Sane

      After 3 coffees there definitely will be shit.

      1. Doctor Syntax Silver badge

        So long as it doesn't block the pipes.

        1. UCAP Silver badge

          Four coffees blocks the pipes. At five coffees the whole plumbing system undergoes a Rapid Unscheduled Disassembly event.

        2. Zarno

          To quote Blue Man Group "That is when it becomes interactive" (quote may be mangled, show was LOUD!)

    2. A. Coatsworth Silver badge
      IT Angle

      Drinking my third (or fourth?) mug of the day -and feeling my guts completely at peace- I can't help but wonder:

      What in the unholy name of Nestle is sold as "coffee" over there ?

      Coffee-shits is a well known internet meme, but it is something I have never experienced or heard about in the real world. And I say this as someone who literally[1] drinks coffee since Kindergarden

      [1] and by "literally" I do mean it: my mother prepared me a little thermos with coffee for snack time

      1. Herby

        Coffee? Kindergarten?

        Let's just say that after nap time (the time it takes for the coffee to take effect), you must have been bouncing off the walls. I wouldn't want to be your teacher, that's for sure.

        I'll need to ask my cousin, who was a Kindergarten teacher about this and get some comments. Could be intereting!

        1. A. Coatsworth Silver badge
          Thumb Up

          Re: Coffee? Kindergarten?

          I was always the perfect teacher's pet, so not sure what, if anything, the coffee did to me back then

          The concoction kids used to drink back then was the famed latinamerican Café con Leche (coffee with milk): half drip coffee (strong), half hot milk, and lots of sugar...

          The third ingredient may make it an even more interesting topic for your cousin!

          1. CountCadaver Silver badge

            Re: Coffee? Kindergarten?

            People with ADHD often find caffeine has the opposite effect on them - calmer, more focused and some actually fall asleep easier after a couple of monster energy drink level caffeine shots, which non ADHD people find utterly mind boggling

            1. Montreal Sean

              Re: Coffee? Kindergarten?

              I can confirm that.

              I've got ADHD and Monster/Red Bull/Rockstar etc cause me to become drowsy.

              I can be wide awake, drink a Monster 300 (300mg caffeine) and within 20 minutes be struggling against the drowsiness.

              Guru does not make me drowsy though, it actually gives me a boost the way Red Bull does for normal people. Best I can figure is the caffeine source for Guru is guarana which acts differently to caffeine from coffee beans.

            2. IceC0ld

              Re: Coffee? Kindergarten?

              err, I did NOT know this, just assumed I was 'different' as I too, like a strong cup of Joe before bed, it helps me relax

              just the one though, deffo not three, and eight, never going to happen, or if it did, I would assume sleep would be come history :o)

            3. Marshalltown

              Re: Coffee? Kindergarten?

              It may not be quite that simple. Coffee does have that effect on me, clear head, relaxing, dozed off. I often have a coffee before bed. My wife thought I was ADHD, and insisted on me getting examined for it. Irony of ironies, though. It didn't find me to have ADHD, but I had insisted she take the same test, and she was the one with ADHD.

          2. Blackjack Silver badge

            Re: Coffee? Kindergarten?

            Coffee is an Acidic, milk is a Base, they cancel each other out save for the caffeine.

        2. Anonymous Coward
          Anonymous Coward

          Re: Coffee? Kindergarten?

          I like espresso from freshly ground beans (usually from my home coffee machine - I recently bought a portable machine that uses pods, just in case)! What worries me is that, after my first one of the morning, at breakfast, if I take my blood pressure I get readings around 115/75 at 50 bpm.

          I haven't risked measuring my BP without a coffee as all the advice I read online says a reading that low is either from a super-fit athlete (unlikely for an OAP) or not to make any long term plans!

      2. stiine Silver badge
        Flame

        Well, I won't go into detail, but the resultant ...stuff... removes the protective biological coating from your lower intestines and contains nine or ten types of acids...

        ps. the image should be inverted.

      3. M.V. Lipvig Silver badge
        Headmaster

        That only affects people who normally have no to one cup but decide to have 6 in one day. If you normally drink a lot every day your body is used to it and does not blast the arse.

        1. Toni the terrible

          i DONT LIKE COFFEE so I dont, only Tea, Coco. or booze

      4. Montreal Sean

        My brother in law is a perfect example of coffee-shits.

        Each morning he has a cup of strong coffee upon waking. He then preps his breakfast and lunch for the day which takes just long enough, about 30 minutes, to bring him to the shitting part of the morning.

        Regular as clockwork. Without the coffee, no shitting.

        1. rototype
          Mushroom

          Coffee Sh!ts

          Yup, ours is a tech company and regular as clockwork 1-2 hours after start time (varies depending on job title) there's a queue at the loos, even more so since my 'hour gap' seems to nicely co-incide with the time the cleaners decide to do their run, can get quite close sometimes....

      5. Alan Brown Silver badge

        How strong is your coffee? (Instant has 1/2 to 1/3 the caffeine of ground)

        I've had coffee in both Finland and the Netherlands which had me running for the karzi after one cup, subsequently experiencing the world falling out of my bottom

        Delicious but the side effects are something one should be prepared for

      6. Prst. V.Jeltz Silver badge

        Kindergarden Koffee

        I too was brought up on coffee since being a toddler.

        My mum seemed unaware that a) its for grown ups b) its not for bedtime

        It was only when I saw American movies of kids not being allowed to drink coffee I realised these things.

        never did me any 'arm!

  4. ColinPa Silver badge

    The benefits of caffeine

    I was at a presentation in the US, and the speaker started calm to the point of being almost boring - but he drank from his can of redbull between each slide. As time progressed, he got more energetic and enthusiastic. By the time he was halfway through his second can he was bouncing round with big gestures and over emphatic talking.

    I cannot remember much about the presentation - but I remember the speaker

    1. Doctor Syntax Silver badge

      Re: The benefits of caffeine

      I once got dumped in one of those courses where HR send staff to get their intelligences insulted (The staff's intelligences, that is; HR would lap it up and come back for more). The presenter was obviously pre-loaded with caffeine or something stronger - one bad sign was that instead of the usual "talk to your neighbour and introduce them" gimmick he made it two neighbours. I made my excuses and left PDQ.

    2. Neil 44

      Re: The benefits of caffeine

      the drink of choice used to be Mountain Dew

      1. Mark 85

        Re: The benefits of caffeine

        the drink of choice used to be Mountain Dew

        It still is in US government circles.

      2. CountCadaver Silver badge

        Re: The benefits of caffeine

        Nahhh Jolt cola was the ultimate

        (I miss that and redbull cola also)

      3. M.V. Lipvig Silver badge

        Re: The benefits of caffeine

        That used to be me, 6 pack a day, until it started making my teeth hurt. And I mean really hurt. Even after several years, if I try drinking a Dew I start getting a warning throb in my jaw. Other kinds of soda are fine, but something about the Dew makes them ache.

        I switched to coffee and the aching problem went away. Funny thing though, too much coffee and my face goes shiny greasy. Wipe it off a few times and it stops, but it's a weird side effect. Luckily (I guess?) I have a heart condition that limits me to two cups now so the greaseball effect no longer happens.

    3. Joe W Silver badge
      Boffin

      Re: The benefits of caffeine

      Depending on the subject I totally do that, I'm teaching stats like I'm the Energizer Bunny. A habit that's hard to kick, so when I do some beyond the simple standard stuff analyses and have to explain them to others... I was told it's quite entertaining (and apparently the explanations work, too).

      And coffee makes me relax, sometimes even sleepy. Just poured a cuppa (6pm), heart rate is a nice even 58.

  5. Michael H.F. Wilkinson Silver badge
    Happy

    Cafeine overdose incoming!

    Armed with a chainsaw.

    This is why I only drink tea. My colleagues might get very nervous if they thought I was drinking large quantities of coffee.

    1. Elongated Muskrat Silver badge

      Re: Cafeine overdose incoming!

      I wouldn't get much done with the proper application of programming fluid.

      I find it more effective to make the coffee triple-strength though, to reduce the effective spin-up time.

      1. stiine Silver badge
        Pirate

        Re: Cafeine overdose incoming!

        Sorry, but the proper programming fluid is, in fact, light rum.

        1. Elongated Muskrat Silver badge

          Re: Cafeine overdose incoming!

          Sadly, my contract of employment explicitly forbids me from drinking* during work hours, so there's little chance of me reaching the Ballmer Peak.

          *as in alcohol, not as in "any fluids" at all.

    2. Evil Auditor Silver badge

      Re: Cafeine overdose incoming!

      I did once or twice overdose on cafeine from drinking large quantities of Turkish çay. Not a very pleasant experience.

    3. Charlie Clark Silver badge

      Re: Cafeine overdose incoming!

      Plenty of caffeine in tea and less in espresso than most people think. As with booze, it's often the other chemicals that cause the weirdest effects: the sugar in energy drinks is likely to give the fastest (but briefest) rush, which is why we talk about sugar highs. Not sure about taurine…

      1. Munchausen's proxy
        Pint

        Re: Cafeine overdose incoming!

        > Not sure about taurine…

        Triggers the bullshit generator functions, I'd suppose.

    4. BobChip
      Go

      Re: Cafeine overdose incoming!

      Fact is, there is often much more caffeine in one teabag than in the equivalent (drink making) quantity of ground coffee. That's why I always have 2 pints of tea every morning before starting "work". At least, that (work) is what I THINK I am doing. As with coffee, the gastrointestinal consequences should be carefully considered re proximity to toilet facilities.....

      P.S. Were you aware that most toxicologists regard caffeine as a potential carcinogen? Look up the Ames Test results.

      Must be about time for another cuppa.

      1. Richard 12 Silver badge

        Misunderstandings...

        Literally everything is a "potential carcinogen" until sufficient evidence is collected.

        That's the starting point. The evidence then moves it up or down the list.

  6. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    I *so* needed this

    This one was good fun - thanks for the laugh and the perfect start of the weekend :)

  7. Bebu
    Windows

    Tier 4

    If the DSO has an infinite sample rate, the BOFH's flywheel is probably spinning at relativistic speeds with a bit of frame dragging thrown in, time and space are seriously distorted although unlikely discernable from the migraine that reality has where the Boss and the BOFH are in the same room.

    Have to wonder what the Boss' particular problem was. Forgotten which was his office, or worse, what was the purpose of the tissues dispensed from rolls on the wall beside the pedestals in the little boys' room.

    1. Doctor Syntax Silver badge

      Re: Tier 4

      "If the DSO has an infinite sample rate"

      Then it becomes analogue.

    2. lglethal Silver badge
      Joke

      Re: Tier 4

      what was the purpose of the tissues dispensed from rolls on the wall beside the pedestals in the little boys' room

      Dispensing Bachelor of Arts Degrees, no?

    3. tezboyes

      Re: Tier 4

      A couple more and he hits warp factor 10 ...

  8. BenDwire Silver badge
    Facepalm

    My last job was a 7 coffee problem - 7 coffees every day, for almost 20 years. And then a bottle of red wine before bedtime.

    That only stopped when I did. Can't say more now, I'm just off to the hospital for yet another round of tests ...

    1. A.P. Veening Silver badge

      Can't say more now, I'm just off to the hospital for yet another round of tests ...

      Presumably for your liver transplant.

      1. BenDwire Silver badge
        Holmes

        You forgot your icon ...

      2. stiine Silver badge

        Please tell me that you're kidding?????

        1. BenDwire Silver badge
          Devil

          There's always a grain of truth in most cynical statements, so while there is an enforced change of lifesyte there is no call for a replacement as yet.

          Always remember, the liver is evil and must be punished.

          1. Elongated Muskrat Silver badge

            Most people's livers can take a lot more punishment than you might think, which is why I am always pleasantly surprised when my liver function tests come back normal.

            You have to drink a hell of a lot to give yourself cirrhosis, but there are plenty of other things that can cause damage to it, such as being very overweight, being a smoker, having type 2 diabetes, or infections such as hepatitis A/B/C. Obviously drinking heavily in conjunction with those things isn't going to help, so if you're a 20 stone diabetic heavy smoker with a lot of back-street tattoos, well... you're probably fucked anyway.

            1. Toni the terrible
              Coat

              OMG, that explains everything......

  9. Will Godfrey Silver badge
    Unhappy

    My body objects to coffee!

    One coffee - no response.

    Two coffees - no response

    Three Coffees - (puke) ZZZZZZZZZ

    1. chivo243 Silver badge
      Pint

      Re: My body objects to coffee!

      I'm right with ya! I've had more coffee in Tiramisu than in a cup. I've had exactly 2 cups of coffee in my live, and only drank half of one... Both of my folks smoked and drank coffee, not a great combo for kids first thing in the morning, but on the plus side, I don't smoke cigs or drink coffee! Imagine the money I've saved, and spent on Beer! --->

      1. Korev Silver badge
        Pint

        Re: My body objects to coffee!

        "spent on beer"?

        You mean invested surely...

        1. chivo243 Silver badge
          Pint

          Re: My body objects to coffee!

          I always looked at as Rented? Ya never keep it! No matter how good it is!

          1. John Brown (no body) Silver badge

            Re: My body objects to coffee!

            And as you get older, you notice the effects of "shrinkflation" No, the pint doesn't get smaller, but the rental period gets shorter.

          2. tezboyes

            Re: My body objects to coffee!

            Nah, there's definitely a Return on the investment.

  10. Joe 59

    caffeine intolerance is a real thing

    True story, half my family can't process caffeine properly, hypersensitive lacking CYP1A2. The other half seem to be fine or even hyposensitive. But don't cry for me, Argentina, when I do consume it, a regular coffee is exquisite. I can hardly describe how good it tastes and how quick the effects. I swear I can feel the caffeine with my gums. The effects, nearly immediate high, lasting hours, obnoxious blabbermouth syndrome for a few hours, then insomnia that night. From one cup of coffee in the morning. The insomnia can be diverted with a sleep aid around 1900 for sleep around 2300. Totally worth it about three times a year. More than that starts heart burn, heart palpitations, the sleep aids stop working, dreamless sleep, etc. But for that one moment, I shine like a homely sun, but a sun nonetheless.

    1. theOtherJT Silver badge

      Re: caffeine intolerance is a real thing

      So for you Coffee is basically legal and cheap methamphetamine? Man... I'm not sure I could be trusted with that power.

    2. Kevin Johnston

      Re: caffeine intolerance is a real thing

      I fall into the category where caffeine seems to have almost no effect. I used to drink stupid amounts of diet Coke (multiple litres per day) but now just drink coffee. I have a bean to cup system and have at least 10 cups per day at max strength per shot and I go through at least a kilo of beans per month. I drink it for the taste now and going without for a few days causes no withdrawal type issues hence my opening to the comment

      1. short a sandwich

        Re: caffeine intolerance is a real thing

        Those are amateur numbers 1.5 to 2kg a month at home and filter in the office. I don’t have a problem, I can afford it still.

    3. tyrfing

      Re: caffeine intolerance is a real thing

      Well, caffeine is produced by the plant as an insecticide.

      We just happen to be a lot larger than most insects.

      1. Richard 12 Silver badge

        Re: caffeine intolerance is a real thing

        Mammals have a very different metabolism too.

        Like there's a lot of berries that are highly toxic to mammals but perfectly ok for the birds. Plants have evolved some pretty specific toxins.

        1. Dr Dan Holdsworth
          Boffin

          Re: caffeine intolerance is a real thing

          Generally speaking, vertebrates hydrolyse toxins first then oxidise, and invertebrates do the thing the other way around. There's an insecticide, malathion, which exploits this effect. Malathion isn't particularly toxic but when oxidised to maloxon if becomes very toxic to most life forms. Thing is, vertebrates either excrete it or hydrolyse it, so never see maloxon. Invertebrates like insects, on the other hand, synthesise their own toxin-induced deaths in a trick known as lethal synthesis.

    4. Elongated Muskrat Silver badge

      Re: caffeine intolerance is a real thing

      This is pretty much the same reason caffeine (and theobromine in chocolate) is lethal to dogs. They lack the liver enzymes to process it.

  11. theOtherJT Silver badge

    #Futurama

    ...and at 100 coffees you become budget Flash, moving faster than time and space itself.

    1. Elongated Muskrat Silver badge
      Coat

      Re: #Futurama

      One Art please! Wubwubwubwubwub.

  12. Boris the Cockroach Silver badge
    Devil

    I must be the

    inverse of the BoFH

    You see at 0 coffees in the morning my first instinct at being annoyed by some trivial problem and its messenger is to reach for said chainsaw to solve the problem(or at least its messenger).

    But the boss does listen out for the sounds of it starting, the screams of terror from the messenger, the howls of rage from me and stops the slaughter of the not so innocents....

    He did confess as to why he stops me

    "Listen Boris... its hard enough to recruit people into this business as is without them asking what happened to the previous holder of the position and why there seem to be large red stains across your office....."

    Icon..... because thats what I'm like at 8am

    1. KittenHuffer Silver badge

      Re: I must be the

      How's the PFY coming on after her wedding?

      1. Boris the Cockroach Silver badge

        Re: I must be the

        Big smile on her face

        Walking about as if on cloud nine

        Any comments are taken as double entendres about the newly married.

        A request to weld a chainsaw mounting plate and powered wheels to the soon to be scrapped robot from cell #7 (I've hidden a remote kill switch inside it just in case she has ideas above her station.. )

  13. Dizzy Dwarf

    That's where he keeps the chainsaw

    Lovely :)

  14. herman Silver badge
    Devil

    Sawing through bitlocks

    I thought the chainsaw is for sawing through the bitlockers with the missing keys.

  15. Dr Paul Taylor

    Erdős Pál

    "A mathematician is a machine for turning coffee into theorems."

    1. Elongated Muskrat Silver badge

      Re: Erdős Pál

      Not to mention his pretty serious amphetamine habit.

  16. Herby

    Most used recreational drug in the WORLD!

    Yes, that would be caffeine. It is the basic fuel to many of those in IT. Until RedBull (and the like), the most caffeinated soft drink was Mountain Dew. The nice thing is that it comes in a 12 oz can, unlike the silly RedBull which comes in skinny cans (and is much more expensive).

  17. Anonymous Anti-ANC South African Coward Bronze badge

    *flashbacks to oldstyle DOOM and chainsaw*

    <BRAAAAAAAAAAAAAPbrrbrrrbrrrBRAAAAAAAAP>

  18. Xalran
    Coat

    Mandatory

    I can't remember the original source : ( even if there's an obvious reference )

    -----------------

    It is by Caffeine alone that I set my mind in motion.

    By the Beans of Java, my thoughts acquire speed.

    The hands acquire the shakes, the shakes become a warning.

    It is by Caffeine alone that I set my mind in motion . .

    -----------------

    I know the way out.

  19. johnmccash

    My favorite Vexxarrr quote: "in engineering, values above 100% round down to BOOM"

  20. Lord Elpuss Silver badge

    Nice :)))

  21. spuck

    Much like Shakespeare...

    One cannot truly appreciate the DSO manual until read in its original Klingon.

  22. D-Coder

    "...a 5,000-page manual which was translated from its original esperanto into Klingon"

    No Klingon would ever learn Esperanto. It is too easy. A true warrior would not study a language that is four times easier than other languages. Unless all of the rules were duplicated six-fold with irregular and irrelevant changes to challenge the mind of the true warrior.

    English is a pretty good challenge for a true warrior, though.

  23. ZorgonsRevenge

    At five coffee's we come one with the force...

    The Force is a mysterious energy field created by the manuals that bind the galaxy together...

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