back to article BOFH: Just because we've had record revenues doesn't mean you get a Xmas bonus

BOFH logo telephone with devil's horns NOW IS THE WINTER OF OUR DISCONTENT! Yes, it's Christmas Bonus time once again and the cupboard is most certainly bare – not because the company is doing appallingly, but because the directors of the company have decided that they want the bonus money to be given to the less-well-off in …

  1. Pascal Monett Silver badge
    Thumb Up

    Brilliant

    I love the part where somebody doesn't want to pay, and BOFH reminds them that bonuses are only for the living (and there are some bricks in the corner).

    Great stuff !

  2. KittenHuffer Silver badge
    Facepalm

    Wow!

    The C suite really have no clue about not messing with the BOFH's Xmas bonus!

    1. phuzz Silver badge

      Re: Wow!

      In their defence, it's the sort of lesson that they only get to learn once, and the curriculum is somewhat terminal.

      1. b0llchit Silver badge
        Happy

        Re: Wow!

        ...and flushed when they are finally ready to get their diploma.

    2. Doctor Syntax Silver badge

      Re: Wow!

      C-suite? That was the board.

      The C-suite will probably be on the carpet.

      1. imanidiot Silver badge

        Re: Wow!

        I think you mean IN the carpet? With the quick-lime. Under the spoil heap at the quarry.

        1. Doctor Syntax Silver badge

          Re: Wow!

          It's OK, I think most commentards got it.

          I should also point out that C can stand for Calcium oxide.

    3. Jedit Silver badge
      Joke

      "The C suite"

      I prefer to call that part of a company the C Section, because the only way you're getting anything out of those cCOUGHCOUGHCOUGH is with a sharp knife.

    4. Charlie Clark Silver badge

      Re: Wow!

      Yes, but they generally have good relations with Lawyers from Hell. Otherwise, how do you think they would survive so long?

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: Wow!

        Even sharks get eaten, and lawyers know a shark hunter when they see one.

        1. Charlie Clark Silver badge

          Re: Wow!

          And they normally have something to offer them. Consider Mr Slant in Ankh-Morpork…

    5. Blackjack Silver badge

      Re: Wow!

      They are all rich young people who do not know old foggies like him.

  3. Bebu Silver badge
    Windows

    More Beria than BOFH.

    A bit heavy handed of the BOFH - redolent more of a Lubyanka Square basement than his trademark gently assisted flight from the nearest window down to the carpark. The times we live in I suppose.

    The whole board (minus one recently deceased) voluntarily incarcerating itself doesn't seem credible until you mentally substitute members of the UK government (current and recent) for the board and then the ill considered and unseemly rush to the basement is all too believable although in this imagined case the house bricks would likely have more takers.

    1. Aladdin Sane

      Re: More Beria than BOFH.

      Nah, none of those reprobates would actually get their hands dirty.

      1. WonkoTheSane
        Holmes

        Re: More Beria than BOFH.

        "Nah, none of those reprobates would actually get their hands dirty."

        That would rather depend on how long the scour valve is left open per cycle.

    2. steelpillow Silver badge
      Joke

      Re: More Beria than BOFH.

      "until you mentally substitute members of the UK government (current and recent) for the board"

      Which would explain the queue of couriers with suitcases full of champagne and beer, which Simon duly confiscated.

    3. Vincent Ballard
      Alert

      Re: More Beria than BOFH.

      I don't think it was quite that easy to buy your way out of the Lubyanka Square basement. Probably still isn't, although the FSB does seem to have adopted defenestration as an alternative, so maybe they're learning from the BOFH.

    4. Mark 85

      Re: More Beria than BOFH.

      A bit heavy handed of the BOFH - redolent more of a Lubyanka Square basement than his trademark gently assisted flight from the nearest window down to the carpark.

      A bit heavy handed? I don't think so. Inviting them to look out the window from the top floor might be heavy but also works.

  4. Michael H.F. Wilkinson Silver badge
    Happy

    Superb episode, real Xmas treat

    Simon clearly knows emperor Vespasian's dictum "pecunia non olet" (money does not stink), as the use of the scour valve shows.

    The fragrance of the board members might be a different matter, of course.

  5. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    C-Suite

    Our C-Suite completely missed the fact that once we became not US head quartered, we would be basically shut down for 4 months while we set up the necessary NSA IT requirements.

    Our bonus is based on targets defined before the takeover became finalised and so we have no way of achieving them in only 2/3rd of the time. I'm sure they will still get their bonuses though!

    As usual the workers suffer for C-Suite errors, but the C-Suite take credit for workers achievements/

    1. Strahd Ivarius Silver badge
      Devil

      Re: C-Suite

      if you have connections to NSA IT systems, you may do with the lack of bonuses by exfiltrating some documents, I think...

      1. This post has been deleted by its author

      2. M.V. Lipvig Silver badge

        Re: C-Suite

        That would be treason! A better way would be to hide the documents onsite, let it be known that the documents are missing, then let the C suiters know what it will cost for the documents to be found behind a filing cabinet instead of, say, in their car, in a briefcase, in a folder marked "For Vlad's Eyes Only."

        1. Anonymous Coward
          Anonymous Coward

          Re: C-Suite

          Just in case it isn't clear, the suggestion is to take the docs and putin car.

      3. An_Old_Dog Silver badge

        Government Documents

        Um, hmm ... government document exfiltration seems to have worked out badly for a Mr. Snowden, who didn't even try to sell what he'd taken. Attempting to sell said documents most-likely would result in "additional penalties."

        1. Mad Chaz
          Childcatcher

          Re: Government Documents

          Jury's still out on that. Keep tab on the orange turd's legal problems for the conclusion

    2. Anonymous Custard
      Headmaster

      Re: C-Suite

      As usual the workers suffer for C-Suite errors, but the C-Suite take credit for workers achievements/

      There being the succinct definition of management in general...

  6. Groo The Wanderer Silver badge

    Venting the scour valve while they "think about it" is a WONDERFUL idea!

    Though I daresay the smell will just remind them of the PFY's tech visits on Onion Baji Day at the cafeteria....

  7. Coastal cutie

    Fiendishly brilliant

  8. Roger Kynaston
    Devil

    if only

    The Downing Street parties had been conducted on this basis during covid

    1. Uncle Slacky Silver badge

      Re: if only

      I think the basement was already being used for the ABBA-themed karaoke party organised by Princesses Nut Nuts and Camilla (allegedly).

  9. Kane
    Joke

    You can use that time to think about that bonus situation

    Right

  10. Admiral Grace Hopper

    Ah, "the bonus situation"

    Doing live support deep into the dark hours of the morning seemed to incline many of us to channel Stanton and Parker. Happy memories of the good ship Nostromo.

    1. BOFH in Training

      Re: Ah, "the bonus situation"

      Yeah was thinking the same when the bonus situation was mentioned.

      They better be fast before some alien bursts out of their chests!

  11. Luiz Abdala
    Joke

    Wasn't a murder robot stored in the basement?

    Ah, I think that one was disabled last year.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Wasn't a murder robot stored in the basement?

      No, it is back in working order. In fact, it is just outside thedoor they are trying to open...

  12. crosenblum

    George Santayana!

    I just loved that quote reference.

    Meaning if they fail to learn their lessons, they will be repeated again and again.

    Almost like a power cycling of a pc.

    Let the cattle prods be chargin!

  13. Will Godfrey Silver badge
    Happy

    A work of art

    ... and a thing of beauty

    1. Mark 85

      Re: A work of art

      A work of art

      ... and a thing of beauty

      And a joy foever. Let's not forget the joy.

  14. Boris the Cockroach Silver badge

    In the glorious past

    I worked for a company making high end aerospace stuff, the company (part of a multi-national) came up with a pay agreement for us plebs that involved getting a christmas bonus if the profit figures were achieved... nowt wrong so far, the margin was 6% profit on our 20million+ turnover.

    Needless to say, we scrimped and slaved, got the jobs done on time, under budget and everything else one does when we can see month on month we're making 7% profit .. yay

    December came round and the the beancounters announced that they'll have to check the figures over the financial year which ment a 4 month delay to our xmas bonus (seriously not happy plebs at this point)

    April comes round..... and the beancounters come back with "sorry... only made 5% this year no bonus." The boss is not happy while us plebs are reaching for the pitchforks and burning brands.

    And the breakdown of the figures is published showing that an item that had run at 4% of turnover for the past 4 years, suddenly rose to 6% of turnover... just enough to avoid paying the bonuses.

    One strike vote later (and the boss was like "aww dont go on strike guys, I lost 2K in bonus too..... I'll have to stand in front of the board and explain why you're strike and why I failed to stop you all going out the main door while taking these pre-printed on the company printer picket signs I had made up 30 mins ago"

    A senior member of the board was despatched to meet us and was swiftly brought around to our way of thinking(although a basement room with a vent valve was not involved.... the vote was close though)

    and he returned to head office to give the beancounters a slap and thus xmas joy resounded through the factory(although it was May by this point)

    1. Doctor Syntax Silver badge

      Re: In the glorious past

      Costs could be cut to raise profit levels by canning some of the beancounters.

      1. Noram

        Re: In the glorious past

        The problem with canning the bean counters is that you really need access to some specialist food production equipment, or some 55 gallon drums and a printer that can do very large labels.

        On the plus side, you can sell the tinned mystery meat for pig food to top up the bonus.

        1. Doctor Syntax Silver badge

          Re: In the glorious past

          You also need a lot of tomatoes. The upside is that when you do it the savings are baked in.

          1. quxinot

            Re: In the glorious past

            Your compost recipie needs work.

        2. Alan Brown Silver badge

          Re: In the glorious past

          Or sell it as pork

      2. Terry 6 Silver badge

        Re: In the glorious past

        One of the common facets of private enterprise and public/government services is that when savings need to be made a lot of expensive people are employed to, err.... save money.

    2. IanRS

      Re: In the glorious past

      Sounds similar to a bonus I nearly had some years ago.

      You get a bonus if you meet your finantial targets. My devision met its targets. The UK business as a whole met its targets. The European side of the business met its targets. The merkins didn't, so nobody got a bonus.

      1. N Tropez
        Coat

        Re: In the glorious past

        merkins? As in 'President Merkin Muffley'?

        I'll get me coat

        1. KarMann Silver badge
          Gimp

          Re: In the glorious past

          That's not a coat.

    3. Antron Argaiv Silver badge

      Re: In the glorious past

      Same here. All divisions except one handily beat their targets, so...no bonus. Tough luck, folks.

      The bonus idea seems to come and go every 5 - 10 years, but the actual bonus rarely if ever shows up.

      1. An_Old_Dog Silver badge

        Re: In the glorious past

        We get quarterly profit-sharing bonuses ... The amount of the bonus -- which may be nothing at all -- is decided by management, with no oversight or review by the workers.

  15. herman

    Mythical bonus

    The mythical bonus is what happens when one myth usurps Mythra’s birthday for another.

  16. tezboyes

    I do love a good heart warming Christmas Carol, ghost story, kind of a tale :)

  17. Free treacle

    Beautiful

    Thanks for this, many are the chortles I enjoyed.

  18. Potemkine! Silver badge

    Very nice fantasy, but we all know that IRL the board will fistfuck the underlings elbow-deep.

  19. ZorgonsRevenge

    I read this and...found inner peace.

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