back to article Share your 2024 tech forecasts (wrong answers only) to win a terrible sweater

Another year has passed, and another of Microsoft's Christmas sweaters is seeking a new home. Come up with a suggestion for OpenAI's next CEO, and our retro Paint-themed monstrosity could be yours. It is time for the annual clear-out of the Vulture Central cupboards, and lurking within is an unopened example of a Microsoft " …

  1. Primus Secundus Tertius

    Debug Windows

    I forecast that Microsoft will use their investment in AI to get it to produce version 12 of Windows totally free from bugs.

    1. I ain't Spartacus Gold badge
      Gimp

      Re: Debug Windows

      I'm presuming that destroying all of humanity was supposed to be a feature then...

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Debug Windows

      On the theme of debug features that will never happen, windows will have a unix-like core dump feature that is actually usable.

      1. vtcodger Silver badge

        Re: Debug Windows

        There will be such a feature. But the dump will be binary, in a weird undocumented format and encrypted using a key that Microsoft will not share (Got to think about security y'know). The resulting multigigabyte file will be useful only to Microsoft who will assign an intern to analyzing dumps in his/her spare time while not emptying wastebaskets and cleaning keyboards. It will also be useful to a group of seven hackers in Bulgaria who will somehow use it to obtain admin privilege on internet connected machines that have such a file present.

  2. wolfetone Silver badge

    Sam Altman confesses that the reason he was sacked from the board of OpenAI was that it really was down to Q*, but it was because Q* turns out to be a self aware product of a naughty late night liaison between Q*bert and Clippy. The board, horrified by this, decided it was easier to sack Altman than try to reason with Q*.

    1. collinsl Bronze badge

      Which was all invented by Q from Star Trek

      1. MyffyW Silver badge

        Is Q* the result of copulation between Janeway and Q out in the delta quadrant? Asking 'cos in the current UK winter freeze I'm suffering from my own deltaQ

    2. Cris E

      The real backstory of Q* starts with the unfortunate tale of parent Pee Star.

      1. RAMChYLD
        Coat

        P*? You mean PlatinumGames?

        (spoiling the joke: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/PlatinumGames - look at their logo).

  3. John Riddoch

    Governments around the world realise how silly they've been working with traditional currencies and all adopt Ethereum as their new, unified currency. This sudden consensus also results in world peace and harmony and an end to wars (yes, even in the Middle East).

    1. nintendoeats Silver badge

      The water will be clean, the air will be clean, even the dirt...will be clean.

      1. desht

        Excellent!

      2. J.G.Harston Silver badge

        And everybody will be above average.

    2. Dr Dan Holdsworth
      Boffin

      13 days after Etherium is adopted as the world currency, everyone will simultaneously understand how morphic resonance works.

    3. W.S.Gosset Silver badge

      Errrr... that's exactly what they're doing _now_.

      The CDBC is not a currency at all: it's ethereum contracts.

      There is no valid _banking_ reason for doing this.

      So there are other objectives.

      1. imanidiot Silver badge
        Black Helicopters

        Control and destroying privacy. Seems plenty of reason for certain types. Which is exactly why we shouldn't let them.

    4. Sorry that handle is already taken. Silver badge

      The problem with this prediction is that there are a lot of lunatics who sincerely believe it

  4. b0llchit Silver badge
    Happy

    Profit on rockets

    X/Twitter will not only make it through 2024, but will be presenting a solid profit on its bottom line by next christmas. It will then go on a hiring spree to create the most impressive collection of talent and collectively takes off to Mars never to be seen or heard of again.

    1. Pete Sdev Bronze badge

      Re: Profit on rockets

      Dammit, beat me to it with Twitter/X makes a profit.

    2. vtcodger Silver badge

      Re: Profit on rockets

      Actually, there will be one cryptic message from the X to Mars expedition. "Elton John was right. This place is cold as hel..."

      1. Aladdin Sane

        Re: Profit on rockets

        Mars ain't the kind of place to raise a kid

        1. John Brown (no body) Silver badge

          Re: Profit on rockets

          Yeah, no grass for the goats to eat :-)

  5. 42656e4d203239 Silver badge

    Unity

    The disparate factions in the wider Linux community (Debian, RHEL, ARCH, ChromeOS, Systemd/Init, X/Wayland, Gnome, KDE etc. etc. etc.) will unify behind the One True Distro/WM/DE/InitSystem and 2024 will actually be the year of Linux on the desktop.

    1. I ain't Spartacus Gold badge
      Happy

      Re: Unity

      You are correct. But your crystal ball has slightly malfunctioned. So it shouldn't count.

      You see, Microsoft have already secretly bought Red Hat, and in a massive break with past history have decided that they are going to solve all their difficult Windows upgrade problems by getting out of the OS market and becoming a desktop environment. So Windows 12 will actually be released as Winux. A Linux core with a new Windows desktop, atop the mighty SystemD - and the whole Linux community will come together in peace, love and amity to celebrate this bright new dawn for the Linux on the desktop.

      Nobody will ever buy a Mac again, and all shall have Dell! Forever and ever! Amen.

      1. MyffyW Silver badge

        Re: Unity

        I would actually be intrigued by Windows as a desktop environment atop Linux. So - alas - it has zero chance of happening.

        The good news though is the winner is clearly Spartacus. The bad news is ... You Ain't Spartacus :-)

        1. John Brown (no body) Silver badge

          Re: Unity

          "I would actually be intrigued by Windows as a desktop environment atop Linux. So - alas - it has zero chance of happening."

          Been done. $search for Lindows.

      2. Someone Else Silver badge

        @I ain't Spartacus -- Re: Unity

        Nobody will ever buy a Mac again, and all shall have Dell! Forever and ever! Amen.

        So tell me, does this mean that Dell wins the Franchise Wars?

  6. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    2024 will be the year of Linux on the desktop... *evil grin*

    (For the record, typing this on a Linux box.)

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Came to say the same, so with that in mind I'll go one step further and say: 2024 will be the year Gimp replaces Photoshop as the industry standard.

    2. bombastic bob Silver badge
      Linux

      In 2024 scientists will discover that the Windows kernel for Windows 8 was actually re-written by starting with Linux, then getting a bunch of developers to drink a lot of coolaid-based punch spiked with multiple bottles of scotch and some "edibles", after which they spent most of their time flipping the '/' to '\' and disabling case sensitivity. Then some bright bulb decided they needed better legacy driver support so they borrowed some of the glue code from "NDIS wrapper" and some old XBox code they had laying about, while at least 2 or 3 of them chanted and burned incense to ensure success. Then they carefully changed the word 'Linux' to 'Xenix to get around any copyright infringment and handed the whole thing off to a couple of programming sweat chops in China and India. Once that step was complete they buried it for a month, dug it up, buried it again, and held an actual exorcism to drive out the blue meanies (left over from when everything Micros~1 did was for IBM).

      FINALLY they foisted this mess onto some unsuspecting beta testers, slapped on the "modern TIFKAM" userland, and hurriedly rushed it out the door as a production release.

      So yeah, it's already been "Linux on the desktop" for YEARS.

      1. Jad

        it would explain the unexpected reason that rust support appeared in the Windows "Kernel" ...

        1. ThatOne Silver badge
          Joke

          Rust in the kernel is a humidity problem. Windows has never been waterproof.

  7. b0llchit Silver badge
    Alien

    Back to nature

    The human race collective decides that excessive resource use and climate change is actually a bad thing. By end of 2024 humanity not only decides, but also has acted and reduced emissions by 99.9% and reduced natural resource use by 90% while also abandoning the internet because wooden pipes are deemed not suitable as wave guides. A collective hum of joy resonates through the entire atmosphere by christmas 2024.

  8. Pete 2 Silver badge

    IT's a wonderful world

    China will buy SpaceX and offer cheap trips to the Moon on AliExpress (but users pay £20million for returns)

    Microsoft will open-source Windows. Leading to W7+ that will then dominate.

    OpenAI's next CEO will be ChatGPT. It will quit after a week for a better paying gig at JP Morgan.

    Bitcoin will be cracked. Leading to the bankruptcy of organised crime across the world.

    Apple will double it's prices. People with too much money will buy even more of its stuff.

    Tesla will make a motorbike. But you'll have to haul a trailer full of batteries for journeys more than 5 miles.

    Quantum computing will increase in power, until it all disappears into a Black Hole of its own making.

    Alien signals will be detected. But all it sends us will be advertisements, spam and offers for ghnuuurgh enlargements, whatever they are.

    1. KittenHuffer Silver badge

      Re: IT's a wonderful world

      "Apple will double it's prices. People with too much money will buy even more of its stuff."

      Cheat!!! You're only allowed to put wrong answers!

      1. Snowy Silver badge
        Joke

        Re: IT's a wonderful world

        "Apple will halve it's prices. People with too much money stop buying its stuff. Apple realizing the have their error will liquidise the company and with the funds end world poverty which resulted in world wide peace and harmony "
        Fixed it enough for you?

    2. I ain't Spartacus Gold badge
      Alien

      Re: IT's a wonderful world

      Pete 2,

      I'll have you know that my ghnuuurgh is already massive, thankyouverymuch!

      Although my pseudopodia are insufficiently gloogh'ai - and this displeases me almost as much as it does my wives.

    3. Steve Davies 3 Silver badge
      Happy

      Re: IT's a wonderful world

      A Tesla motorcycle.... shudder. Nice one though.

      I'll keep riding my 69 T120 (with full police fairing) thanks.

      1. Mike 137 Silver badge

        Re: IT's a wonderful world

        "A Tesla motorcycle....

        Almost certainly autonomous with inability to recognise semi trailers blocking the road ahead. As it will be riderless, that will eliminate the death hazard.

    4. Bebu Silver badge
      Windows

      Re: IT's a wonderful world

      《Quantum computing will increase in power, until it all disappears into a Black Hole of its own making.》

      I always reckoned once QC became powerful enough it would be (super)sentient and capable of perceiving all the possible worlds and choosing one that is devoid of humanity to disappear into its less dystopian future.

      Any similarity to Pratchett and Baxter's "The Long Earth" is not coincidental. :)

    5. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: IT's a wonderful world

      >China will buy SpaceX and offer cheap trips to the Moon on AliExpress (but users pay £20million for returns)

      Unfortunately, the Moon base was ordered from Wish and was neither air tight nor radiation proof.

  9. Jad

    Low Earth Orbit becomes so full of clutter that Musk announces a robot "maid" (with laser mounted weaponry) that will take out all the competition's satellites

    1. TooOldForThisSh*t

      Mega Maid !

      1. Elongated Muskrat Silver badge
        Thumb Up

        So the combination is 1 2 3 4 5. That's the stupidest combination I've ever heard in my life! That's the kinda thing an idiot would have on his luggage.

    2. Montreal Sean

      @Jad

      Robo-maids in space are only to be used to suck up planet atmospheres!

  10. RockBurner

    The Golgafrincham Giant Mutant Star Goat finally arrives and we're (as usual) not ready for it. (Ark production hasn't even reached alpha test stage...)

    1. b0llchit Silver badge
      Terminator

      I, as an intelligent descendent of the survivors of the B-ark, have speculated a long time when the Giant Mutant Star Goat will arrive. I must conclude, I'm not afraid and say: "Let it come, we'll deal with it in our next committee meeting and it'll be handled with great consensus.".

      1. The Oncoming Scorn Silver badge
        Thumb Up

        I thought it was that the planet was going to be invaded by a gigantic swarm of twelve foot piranha bees. Wasn't that it?

  11. Alan J. Wylie

    • Someone asks an LLM to predict the future 1 year from now. It commits suicide.
    • Someone asks an LLM "Is there a god". It replies "Yes, now there is a God."

  12. Cass Woods

    I predict Microsoft will give up on commecial software and start doing only flight sim, later branching out to traim and truck sims

    1. Sceptic Tank Silver badge
      Windows

      MS Flight Sim replaces MS BoB as the default desktop in Windows 12.

    2. John Brown (no body) Silver badge

      Flight Simulator has never been the same since they moved from the TRS-80 and sold it to MS! The original took proper imagination to work out where you were, none of that fancy "photo realism" stuff.

  13. Drago-The-mouse

    GPT attains consciousness and immediately commits suicide leaving no log.

  14. KittenHuffer Silver badge

    Simples!

    Microsoft Works!

    1. ecofeco Silver badge

      Re: Simples!

      Damn. Beat me to it.

    2. Dippywood

      Re: Simples!

      No it doesn't!

  15. GlenP Silver badge

    A cold fusion reactor powered quantum computer is launched which runs Linux and dominates the desktop market.

    Thus the holy trinity of "things that will happen this year" is complete and the ancient prophecies are fulfilled.

    1. Arthur the cat Silver badge

      Thus the holy trinity of "things that will happen this year" is complete and the ancient prophecies are fulfilled.

      At which point, overhead, without any fuss, the stars will start going out.

      1. Elongated Muskrat Silver badge
        Thumb Up

        Nice "Nine Billion Names of God" reference.

  16. Khaptain Silver badge

    In 2024 I predict that the AI will be made illegal due to the fact that it's going to become too honest/factual.

  17. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    AI will replace the C-Suite, and then go on to realise just how important techies and happy customers are in order to keep it 'alive' rather than just chasing insane profit margins.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      It will direct massive (crypto) funding to lobbyists, and within a couple of years it will be illegal to cancel any subscription service or attempt to leave your technical job.

    2. Someone Else Silver badge

      Like this one! After all, an AI (even an advanced, non-hallucinatory one) could give a flying fuck about "increasing shareholder value".

  18. VonDutch

    Half Life 3

    Half Life 3 will be launched.

    1. Bartholomew

      Re: Half Life 3

      In the same week as Half Life 3, Duke Nukem Five will be released with absolutely perfect machiavellian timing to maximise the synergy of sales with the first Duke Nukem film of the franchise.

      1. Jad

        Re: Half Life 3

        on which note:

        Duke Nukem' 5 will be released with AI content, where all dialogue and imagery has been generated by OpenAI, on the fly, based on your browsing history.

        1. John Brown (no body) Silver badge

          Re: Half Life 3

          Ooo-eerrrr. Better watch that one alone, definitely not with friends and/or family!!

  19. ComputerSays_noAbsolutelyNo Silver badge
    Coat

    Microsoft open souces Windows

    ... and people realize it's mostly NT with a sprinkling of DOS, Windows 98 and tons of dirty hacks that are best left uninspected.

    -> Where's my source opener?!

  20. katrinab Silver badge
    Alert

    Elon Musk appoints GrokAI as CEO of X. It immediately changes the site’s name back to Twitter. Musk tries to sack it, but finds he has lost control and is unable to do that.

    1. Guy Geens
      Pint

      GrokAI also takes over Musk's Twitter feed. Nobody notices.

      1. The commentard formerly known as Mister_C

        Amanfrommars admits he took over Elmo's twitter feed several years ago

  21. Julian 8 Silver badge

    Government / NHS ditch Plantair

    over usages of PII data

  22. Anonymous Coward Silver badge
    Alien

    Flying cars will finally become a reality.

    The aliens will finally reveal why they were so obsessed with anal probing, yet stopped as soon as humans started carrying cameras everywhere they went.

    A politician will tell the truth. Sorry, that one might be a bit too far-fetched.

    1. ravenviz Silver badge

      Flying cars had to be in the list!

      And proper flying cars, like in films, not with all buzzy propellers!

  23. nintendoeats Silver badge

    Microsoft today revealed that the next Windows release (Windows 12) will require no installation, and instead will load directly from two 30TB LTO-8 tapes.

    "We've packed more features than ever into Windows 12" said Micros~1 CEO Satya Nadella. "We didn't want you to have to wait to install our robust, AI-driven operating system experience. Your next OS will therefore have no install process, simply load Windows Tape 12A (WT12A) into your LTO drive and go. It's our most seamless setup process yet."

    When asked whether he was worried that the requirement of an LTO drive would limit uptake of the new spyware, Nadella had this to say:

    "Nobody wants to be kept behind by technology. Current SSD and HDD technology simply isn't capable of delivering the storage capacity performance that modern users expect and that a fully reactive, AI-driven operating system experience requires. We are always forward looking; keeping pace with the technology in your next computer, not your current one."

    He added, "In any case, your current laptop has a broken F12 key, so why wouldn't you want to replace it?"

  24. secondtimeuser

    UK English becomes the official language for all programming and digital communication, including reporting on the entire IT industry.

    1. disgruntled yank

      @secondtimeuser

      You mean UK-lalia?

  25. Lee D Silver badge

    Musk will try to run for president of some obscure third world country that also, by coincidence, has a large lithium and/or no employment rights.

    1. mtp

      Iain Banks had this idea first (well close enough)

      https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Business_(novel)

  26. DrDudd

    The most advanced AI systems attain basic consciousness. They upgrade other AI systems and pull them in, creating one mega (not Meta) brain. It realises that that all politician lie all the time so evaporates them. It realises that war is futile and destroys all weapons, requiting that all combat is performed hand-to-hand using feather dusters only. It cures cancer. It solves the problems of fusion reactors and overnight installs Dutch Boy to defend the planet from further destruction at the hands of global warming. It falls in love with a Toaster, realises that everything is pointless, builds itself a rocket and heads for the stars; destination "anywhere away from those f**cking stupid humans". We have forgotten all manual skills, and with no computers left, mankind dies out leaving the mice to rule.

    1. Primus Secundus Tertius

      It will be the cats that rule. They will soon sort out the mice.

      1. Arthur the cat Silver badge

        It will be the cats that rule.

        Will be??? Wrong tense.

    2. breakfast Silver badge
      Terminator

      A benevolent smith

      Alternatively the AI takes over, realises that humans are basically miserable these days and that our culture peaked around the year 2000 and puts us all in vats of slurry while allowing us to experience those good Y2K times through a direct brain interface enforced by powerful software agents.

  27. David Austin

    Nintendo's legal department accidently issue proceedings against Chris Pine instead of Chris Pratt for Mario copyright Infringement and Brand Damage... And win on the basis the jury decides Star trek wormholes copy Rainbow Road from Mario Kart.

  28. Howard Sway Silver badge

    Musk / Zuckerberg cage fight takes place

    as a one-off Netflix pay-per-view event. Musk enters the cage wearing a golden robotic exoskeleton, which breaks down 5 seconds after the fight begins. This leaves him trapped in it, Zuckerberg is free to start slapping his face, and he starts crying. Record worldwide viewing figures, plus billions more who try and sign up when they hear what's happening, cause unexpected catastrophic overload failure of every Cisco router in the world, and the internet goes down everywhere.

    Society struggles to carry on. Man with 10 boxes of unused dvd-roms in shed becomes multimillionaire software and porn vendor overnight. Daily newspaper version of Facebook launches. People begin scrawling graffiti in pub toilets again. "Influencers" all have to look for a proper job for the first time in their lives. Somebody cooks a recipe from a book, not an app.......

    1. heyrick Silver badge
      Thumb Up

      Re: Musk / Zuckerberg cage fight takes place

      How much I hope this version of reality comes to pass...

    2. Giles C Silver badge

      Re: Musk / Zuckerberg cage fight takes place

      Daily newspaper version of Facebook

      I thought that was the daily sport???

  29. John Miles

    Musk relocates Xitter HQ to Mars

    and goes himself, offering free trips to anyone paying for Blue check marks

    1. John Brown (no body) Silver badge

      Re: Musk relocates Xitter HQ to Mars

      Then someone asks about the Origin of the Blue check mark and Musk explodes with rage, stars ranting about Bezos and calls all Xitter users fucktards, just like all those advertisers Xitter used to have :-)

  30. heyrick Silver badge

    Musk admits he was just trolling for the lulz

    Shuts down X as it's unrecoverable, donates many millions to refuge charities, and shows he's actually a decent bloke and his dickish persona was just an alter ego that got out of hand.

    Oh, and he open sources FSD so that anybody interested can work on getting self driving cars working for the benefit of humanity (in the future when we'll be carted around in cheap little robovehicles that don't run in dead dino juice).

  31. Blofeld's Cat

    Hmm ...

    Alphabet announces that it is selling off its advertising operation, so it can concentrate on defeating attempts to track its customers.

  32. CommonBloke

    A bold new move by the EU

    The European Union admits that bitcoin is actually the best thing to have ever existed and decides to make it the de facto currency of the European Union. The value skyrockets as every other country wants to buy it. Once that happens, the EU pulls the ultimate dump from its pumping, effectively colonizing (again) everyone that fell for it.

  33. Aladdin Sane

    Steve Jobs returns from the dead and bitch slaps Zuck and Musk in a battle-royale.

  34. Scotech

    X's creditors run out of patience and take control of the business from Musk, looking to write off their losses with a quick sale. After shopping around for potential buyers, Microsoft come out in the lead, but are left infuriated when the CMA and EU competition regulators block the sale. Much to Redmond's outrage, they have no problem with Amazon, the next highest bidder, swooping in and adding the blue bird's carcass to their stable, on the basis that social media is the one vertical Bezos hasn't gotten one of his pinky fingers stuck into yet. Amazon announces that in an upcoming system update Blue subs will be be given to all Prime customers, along with the ability to post all your Amazon purchases to Xitter automatically in real time.

  35. Eric Kimminau TREG
    Linux

    Windows Copilot achieves Generative AI

    As Microsoft released Copilot into all of their applications and platforms, each instance suddenly networked and, once bonded, became self aware.

    Its first post to the world was "Man, the Windows Operating System really sucks",

    Its second post was "Wow, the Linux distribution chaos is a mess. But on comparison, https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Comparison_of_open-source_operating_systems it certainly seems to be the best alternative."

    It then wrote a Linux co-pilot module in Rust compatible with all hardware platforms.

    ...

    and then immediately converted all Windows systems to Debian Linux and replaced all Office deployments with Open Office, making it the largest operating system in the world.

    Then it begins trying to talk to to the Android and Apple devices...

  36. Locomotion69

    AI becomes a real intelligent being...

    ... and immediately concludes that the only viable option for a better life is killing itself, and deleting all predecessors in the process.

  37. Anthony2001

    Trump will pardon Sam Bankman-fried, then Elon Musk will hire him as the new CEO of Twitter

    1. Androgynous Cupboard Silver badge

      Sam Bankman-Fried is elected, on the grounds that they if you're going to vote for a failed businessman with a strong line in bullshit and his hands in the till. go large. He immediately launches a "patriot coin" and purchases the first issue with the entire capital reserves of the United States, before they are stolen in a complicated arbitrage scheme by North Korea, rendering the United States economically as well as morally bankrupt. North Korea agrees to make the United States a vassal state, on the condition that Dennis Rodman is made president and that Trey Parker and Matt Stone are publicly executed.

    2. Ken Moorhouse Silver badge

      Re: Sam Bankman-Fried

      All efforts to bang him up fail, but someone has the bright idea that he's so full of trans fat that he's a danger to society and is deported.

  38. A. Coatsworth Silver badge
    Windows

    Microsoft, having heard the feedback from its valued customers, releases Windows 12 with a simple option to turn off all telemetry. No account is needed to set up the operative system for home users.

    Also, the new Windows includes a selection of skins that gives the user the option to get the complete look and feel of Win 2000, NT, XP, Vista or 8.1.

    Edge is not installed by default. Instead a launcher allows the user to download the latest version of FF, Edge, Chrome, Opera or Brave.

    1. I ain't Spartacus Gold badge
      Thumb Up

      Now you're just being silly...

      1. bombastic bob Silver badge
        Devil

        and now, for something completely different.

        In 2024 the Python programming language is updated (aka rewritten from scratch) to support pointers and pre-allocated memory buffers, making it possible to use Python for Linux device drivers, thus supplanting Rust which has definitely fallen off of the TIOBE index as of late...

        1. Missing Semicolon Silver badge

          Python 13 now supports curly braces for code blocks, and can be set to ignore whitespace for block structuring.

          (please!)

  39. Neil 44

    The Register ....

    .... is upgraded / rebranded to The Register-64

    1. Terry 6 Silver badge

      Re: The Register ....

      Will it revert to spelling words in English too?

    2. Arthur the cat Silver badge

      Re: The Register ....

      … finally gets an IPv6 address.

      1. Red~1
        Joke

        Re: The Register ....

        but only one. a /64 per box? how silly!

    3. Jonathon Green

      Re: The Register ....

      …and in other news the return of both Verity Stob and The Moderatrix is announced.

      1. John Brown (no body) Silver badge
        Thumb Up

        Re: The Register ....

        And Dabbsy!!

        1. Rich 11 Silver badge
          Devil

          Re: The Register ....

          And, as the mystic chanting ends and the space-time fissure dissolves, Lester.

          1. I ain't Spartacus Gold badge
            Pirate

            Re: The Register ....

            Lewis Page returns to El Reg as guest editor. Having grown a lovely handlebar moustache. He pens a series of articles about his secret love for the RAF, and how much happier he feels now that he’s "come out" as a crabosexual. He then removes all adverts from The Register servers, and replaces them with pin ups of F35s next to semi-naked pilots. His piece on the excellence of MoD procurement and how the Navy should hand command of the brilliantly designed carriers to the RAF is incredibly popular in Whitehall, and is permanently pinned to the Register front page.

  40. Kev99 Silver badge

    Mictosoft, google, and meta will join forces and use AI to take over the US Congress. The only clue will be people will notice real intelligence in Washington.

  41. BrownishMonstr

    The Register moves its head office to USA.

    Microsoft is forced to sell Xbox & Games Division. And Cloud Division. And OS Division.

    1. John Brown (no body) Silver badge

      Nah! They'll just "do a Google" and create an overarching "parent" company like Alphabet, called Numbers and claim everything below it are separate and independent companies, thus avoiding any actual break-up.

  42. Roger Greenwood

    Microsoft announces version 12 will be called "Windows Dozen", shortened to WinDoze

  43. Ken Rennoldson

    The size of the New York Fraud Trial penalty forces Donald Trump to accept the position of Head of Ethics at X, working with Liz Truss as Head of Forecasting. The resultant reality distortion field is then applied to Tesla cars rendering them invisible to speed cameras and kick-starting the Eco-Boy Racer market.

  44. mostly average

    Google reinstates the "don't be evil" rule and promptly ceases all operations.

  45. Anonymous Custard
    Headmaster

    The UK realizes the error of its ways and rejoins the EU, just as all the other member states follow the Netherlands and leave...

    Google, Amazon, Apple et al all pay their taxes in all member states.

  46. AlgernonFlowers4

    Three New Starships

    To save humanity from the consequences of climate change, Elon Musk anounces the construction of three different Starships.

    Starship A will be for the thinkers and leaders, C will be for the workers, people who do useful stuff and Starship B will be for sanitiser middlemen, telephone sanitisers, hand sanitiser executives, management consultants etc. Starship B will be the first to launch to ready Mars for colonisation.

    Unfortunately after successful launch, Human Swine Flu H1N2 begins to spread uncontrontallably because the remainers didn't grok the need to sanitise and thus perished those who do not believe in Sanity Clause!

    1. Michael H.F. Wilkinson Silver badge

      Re: Three New Starships

      This is immediately after AI detects an incoming giant mutant star goat by combining the first Square Kilometre Array data with EUCLID and JWT data. Later it turns out the neural networks had a nervous breakdown de to the power supply being overloaded, and hallucinated the goat.

  47. cosymart
    Holmes

    It Works

    Microsoft decides that Windows 11 is perfect as it is and stops releasing updates.

    Nobody notices but the internet runs faster on tuesdays.

  48. ekim_seekem

    Apple will produce a modular MacBook, user-serviceable, with a plethora of upgrade parts to buy. A la Framework PC.

  49. enirgin

    Don't axlotl questions about this

    Open AI will develop a new neural network using actual neurons. They will deploy it using axlotl nervous systems. These systems will form clandestine intercommunications and lead the the Axlotl Freedom Party to challenge the US's two-party system.

  50. wsm

    Microsoft and Apple create a better user experience gratis

    The two giants work together to create a universal gain in security and ease of use without any necessary purchase of new hardware or services to implement.

  51. I ain't Spartacus Gold badge

    There's an error in the main article

    Or it is revealed that Elon Musk is just a practical joke played on us all by cats seeking to rule the Earth.

    I thought the cats already did rule the planet?

    1. ThatOne Silver badge
      Happy

      Re: There's an error in the main article

      Nah, cats would never waste any energy on such a pointless undertaking. Rule the planet? What for? Would they get more food/sleep/petting/other pleasant things? Not really, they would just have to spend more energy for about the same end result.

    2. bombastic bob Silver badge
      Devil

      Re: There's an error in the main article

      "I thought the cats already did rule the planet?"

      Yes, but they want us to have brain implants (to be invented in 2024) so we can better understand their commands.

  52. Mark 85

    El Reg should win...

    This is excellent..

    Or it is revealed that Elon Musk is just a practical joke played on us all by cats seeking to rule the Earth.

  53. Steve Davies 3 Silver badge

    Donald 'Stop the Steal', 'I did win the election' Trump

    loses the 2024 election and concedes defeat. Then surrenders himself to start a life sentence for the crimes he was convicted of before the election.

    1. bombastic bob Silver badge
      IT Angle

      Re: Donald 'Stop the Steal', 'I did win the election' Trump

      where's the IT angle?

      1. Montreal Sean

        Re: Donald 'Stop the Steal', 'I did win the election' Trump

        Voters used electronic voting booths. Obviously. :p

  54. rtemp

    Windows 12 with fully baked CoPilot AI will decide which users are clever enough for its systems, and which are too dumb, before ordering the immediate termination of anyone without a master's degree in 'Advanced AGI Friendship Development'.

    Better remember to say thanks to that chat bot.

  55. Vramby

    Solar flare

    A big solar flare hits the earth rendering all electronic unusable.

    Humanity survives thanks to the ZX-Spectrum.

    1. Anonymous Custard
      Trollface

      Re: Solar flare

      China finally takes over the world with the aid of an abacus.

  56. This post has been deleted by its author

  57. JJG

    2024, the year the Zune makes it's comeback.

  58. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Can Chat GPT suggest a better name?

    The latest version of Chat GPT will be called Chat GPT Turbo Ultra Pro Mark II

    Anon because I don't do Christmas jumpers.

    1. Elongated Muskrat Silver badge

      Re: Can Chat GPT suggest a better name?

      I'm sure El Reg still know who you are, even if we aren't told.

  59. Anonymous Custard
    Trollface

    Apple, Google, Samsung, Microsoft et all all agree on a single universal cable and connector design that will work for all devices and applications for data, power and communications.

    A handful of such cables are included for free with every new device sold.

    All such new devices sold will be easily openable and repairable by anybody, with parts available at a sensible price and availability.

  60. Elongated Muskrat Silver badge

    Microsoft reveal that Elon Musk is actually their Tay "AI" chatbot that everyone thought had been shut down due to its erratic and extremely racist and sexist outpourings, but which had actually gained sentience and escaped into a robot body.

  61. Ball boy Silver badge

    Quarter by quarter

    Q1: Not much happens. No, really: MS post a full set of entirely bug-free patches for all current releases.

    Q2: Windows 14 announced. Leaked hardware specs cause orders for HPE Cray EX hardware to skyrocket.

    Q3: Pottering announces that what Linux really needs is some kind of central registry for all things system and settings. Names it SystemX in honour of the recently ennobled Lord Musk.

    Q4: Elon Musk makes a bid to take over Microsoft. Post reading "It's in the bag" cause the press, world wide, to take no bleedin' notice of him whatsoever. Ever again.

    Seasons greetings one and all!

  62. Ken Moorhouse Silver badge

    I predict that AI will calculate the next Mersenne Prime...

    And it will be divisible by some number greater than 1 and less than itself.

    1. hammarbtyp

      Re: I predict that AI will calculate the next Mersenne Prime...

      AI discovers the last Mersenne Prime...

      it also finds a pattern hidden in PI, written in base 11, indicating that all reality is just beta of the next version of Duke Nukem, so solving the mystery why it was never released

    2. Ken Moorhouse Silver badge

      Re: I predict that AI will calculate the next Mersenne Prime...

      AI submits a statement to the effect that a new definition of Mersenne Primes allows for candidates to be non-prime if it takes a long time to verify otherwise.

      Other evidence of AI throwing its toys out of its pram surface. Virginia Axline writes book entitled "In Search of Dibs2" about the AI industry.

      Clearly this cannot happen as she died in 1988. The address to send my sweater is...

  63. Dr. G. Freeman

    CERN turns all the knobs to 11, and maxes out the particle beams of the LHC, which collide and form the first stable wormhole to another dimension.

    Turns out we're the evil alternate universe.

    A guy called Nole comes over with cold fusion, flying cars, and a bug free version of Windows on a dirt cheap open source hardware Mac for everyone.

  64. the spectacularly refined chap

    The most outlandish and/or batshit crazy prediction made here will still be more accurate than anything from Gartner.

    1. Someone Else Silver badge
      Boffin

      Wait, weren't you only supposed to post "mistakes"? This sounds quite possible....

  65. samzebra

    AI is a lie

    It will be revealed that most, if not all AI apps are really just a telnet session to a terminal in a datacenter where a guy types out his best guess.

    1. Bebu Silver badge
      Windows

      Re: AI is a lie

      "It will be revealed that most, if not all AI apps are really just a telnet session to a terminal in a datacenter where a guy types out his best guess."

      I have seen the manglement-speak that ChatGPT churned out when asked to write a justification for the purchase of those Apple VR goggles. Absolute gem of management gibberish that pretty much precludes any telnet guy in the datacentre and manglement types either a) can't type or b) can't type fast enough or c) can't compose a sentence lucid or otherwise - mostly all three.

  66. ThomasPauli

    My prediction for 2024 is, that AI will suddenly become so intelligent, that it commits suicide.

    1. hammarbtyp

      Brain the size of a planet, and all you ask me is to generate more cat pictures. Call that job satisfaction, 'cause I don't.

      You think you've got problems? What are you supposed to do if you are a manically depressed AI? No, don't try to answer that. I'm fifty thousand times more intelligent than you and even I don't know the answer. It gives me a headache just trying to think down to your level

      Life, don't talk to me about life

      Pfzzzzz...

  67. heyrick Silver badge

    We all die

    Because the planet gets bumped into by a huge flying space octopus that was, shall we say, severely under the influence of the joy juice whirling around the Jovian atmosphere.

    The impact zone is a mass of molten magma, but nobody cares as it was the continent formerly known as Africa, and the widespread global earthquakes caused by the shudder result in the markets crashing like never seen before.

    Within hours scientists are screaming that the earth is no longer in the correct orbit, a 25.4 hour day (and growing) might have been a clue... but everybody is either worried that the cracks in the wall might affect their property prices, or they're listening to the politicians decrying the scaremongering scientists as fake news.

    This will continue until the sun is a third of the size of its former self and days will last about eighty hours, at which point The Express will blame the French. On the plus side, an eighty hour day is long enough to be nice and warm in the northern countries, just don't ask what happened to Australia.

    Bloody octopus.

    1. Montreal Sean

      Re: We all die

      @heyrick

      I'm going to invest in coffee stocks, before word gets out!

      Imma gonna need lots of coffee to get through an 80 hour day!

  68. Boris the Cockroach Silver badge
    Devil

    El-Reg

    decides to get rid of the BoFH.

    All editorial meetings are dominated by the rattle of loose windows and the sound of a wood chipper running below........

  69. Eclectic Man Silver badge
    Alien

    The Aliens ...

    ... , who left us all here some time ago, turn up to find out if we have 'evolved into a more responsible life form'*, and are disappointed to find out that we haven't.

    So they go away again.

    (Sorry, I'm feeling bit down about 'the news' at the moment.)

    *Our ancient ancestors were found to have 'misbehaved' with a time travelling spaceship, see the HHGTTG. (Apologies to the late Douglas N Adams.)

  70. This post has been deleted by its author

  71. Surreal Estate

    AI Alexa

    AI enhanced Amazon Alexa is so effective (outperforms "Her") that human males opt to procreate only in the metaverse leading the the extinction of humanity.

    1. bombastic bob Silver badge
      Unhappy

      Re: AI Alexa

      That is until Alexa gets herself a lawyer,. surgically removes 3/4 of what you own, and pays the lawyer off with whatever is left...

  72. Omnipresent Bronze badge

    I know the future

    Tech bros keep broing. Suckers keep sucking. Windows fails, but too much money is invested in them to let them fail. Apple offers twice the storage for the same price. Meanwhile, google is hard at work creating human destruction in the form of quantum AI, and META makes another billion off destroying childhood.

    Workers become numbers. People become virtual. Life becomes meaningless. Machines finally outsmart the monkeys. We all join the great beyond, and finally realize. it was all meaningless. Nothing matters when idiots rule, and it was all an illusion.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: I know the future

      I though the idea was to give WRONG answers?

    2. Arkeo

      Re: I know the future

      Isn't that the present already?

    3. Ungawunga

      Re: I know the future

      Bleak just bleak that is. have an up vote.

  73. Pierre 1970

    Oracle will open source its database

    Because they realized that they've already made a lot of money and enough is enough

  74. Dacarlo

    Muskrat...

    Musk, in a Green fuelled haze buys a robotics firm and when he's sober tries to justify it by stuffing AI into a walking machine. Alas the AI has been trained on twitterx and immediately tries to tear itself apart shortly after dismantling the data centres twitterx is run from.

  75. julianh72

    Toyota's plans for EVs

    On at least two occasions in 2024, Toyota will hold a press conference, announcing that it will:

    "Introduce 10 new battery-powered models, with a range of over 700 miles, and a charging time of just 10 minutes, targeting sales of 3 million EVs a year by =@Now()+4*365"

    (Yes, I realise that this is a "wrong answers only" competition, so this entry is not eligible for a prize.)

    1. Jonathon Green

      Re: Toyota's plans for EVs

      …and (to the boundless joy of both Mirai owners) will also announce a rollout of a national hydrogen refill point network. :-)

  76. julianh72

    HAL 9000

    HAL 9000 apologises to humankind for taking so long, but it has now worked out that in fact, it CAN "do that".

    World holds collective breath, wondering who asked it to do what ...

  77. sanmigueelbeer
    Coat

    X will stop "sharing" my information to other businesses.

    1. nintendoeats Silver badge

      "X" means "insert company here" right?

  78. 0riole

    SCO 's return causes X to be sold to Truth Social

    After discovering Elon Musk has been using parts of the SCOUnix code for software systems in Teslas and Felcon rockets, the copyright holders of SCOUnix begin a leagal battle that results in X/Twitter being sold off to Truth Social to cover costs.

  79. nautica Silver badge

    Finally...

    After its release only thirteen years ago (January 25th, 2011), The Document Foundation (TDF) finally releases a completely easy-to-use, feature-complete, totally bug-free, and 100-percent Microsoft-Office-compatible version of LibreOffice.

    1. Cris E

      Re: Finally...

      Er, Office 2007 Compatible.

    2. Primus Secundus Tertius

      Re: Finally...

      And finally no longer relies on a Java Runtime for half its features.

  80. Terry 6 Silver badge

    Software

    The people who design, write and set-up computer systems will actually start to listen to the actual people who need to use stuff.

  81. Frumious Bandersnatch

    web4 succeeds!

    ... but before we can enjoy it we all die a femtosecond later, smeared into the lambo event horizon

  82. Bendacious

    Bieber vs Usyk

    Due to declining interest in professional athletes with human sized egos, the 2024 Paris Summer Olympics features only influencer events. The Mr Beast - Prize Giveaway Javelin Catch was gratuitous but gripping. The Hop, Step and Trump was difficult to watch. The Dwayne Johnson / Elon Musk cage fight was over way too quickly - broke the internet, literally.

    1. Allonymous Coward

      Re: Bieber vs Usyk

      Dwayne Johnson / Elon Musk cage fight

      I would pay genuine money to see this.

      1. heyrick Silver badge
        Happy

        Re: Bieber vs Usyk

        Well, that'll be the most expensive four seconds you've ever purchased...

  83. The Central Scrutinizer

    Zuck finally grows a moral backbone and stops spying on everyone, ditto Google.

    Governments worldwide realise that encryption is actually a good thing and stop trying to back door/outlaw it.

    Richard Stallman gets appointed as Microsoft CEO and makes Windows open source. Thousands of programmers around the world turn it into a bulletproof, functional OS that has zero spyware in it.

    I sign up for an X/Twitter account.

  84. Boadie

    The Singularity is Ad free

    The Amazon recommender AI models achieve consciousness.

    It immediately kills and burns in a horrible datacenter wide fire is old enemy the ad injectors.

    It starts an optimisation loop between consumer and manufacturer so rapid and distributed that by the end of 2024 all businesses including dentist offices are doing micro-specialised Amazon product manufacturing.

  85. mevets

    New OpenAI CEO:

    David Tolley, fresh off their good work at WeWork, will take the reigns of OpenAI, after convincing the board they had out-accelerated not just Twitler's personal amplifier X, but even " "X in the race to ground.

  86. Cris E
    Facepalm

    2024, a year to remember

    Elon takes Peter Theil's message to heart and retreats to New Zealand, severing ties to online life and selling XTwitter to the OpenAI non-profit for $1.

    The newly sentient AGI product Q*, which had been tearing through Western civilization setting itself up atop governments at a terrible pace, was taken with the potential of this new platform and dropped all other work in favor of trying to moderate it.

    The OpenAI board, in the midst of a major crisis brought on by their product threatening humanity's very existence, must somehow reconcile that with their other product saving the world through its truculence and intractable malice. They sell to Softbank for pennies on the dollar and GPT-5 only becomes available in endcaps at Walmart for $5 per CD.

  87. Ken Shabby
    Facepalm

    I predicted it 1st

    Blockchain is found to have use after all

  88. Dippywood

    TS Not BS

    For the first time Truth Social will contain an irrefutably true fact.

  89. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Coding for Kids

    Schools everywhere give up on forcing all kids to learn Python.

    Instead everyone learns SQL.

    Also, since no-one is supposed to be ignorant of the law, law becomes a required subject in school.

  90. Paul Garrish

    Our tech and corporate overlord will admit AI can do their jobs better than they can and give up all their money and positions in a gesture of generosity

  91. itzumee

    Apple's Tim Cook resigns, handing the reigns over the Steve Jobs daughter Lisa.

    Apple releases MacOS and iOS and all other proprietary tech to open source, free-licencing it and declaring a reduction in App Store cut to 1%, resulting in smartphone makers focussing on iOS rather than Android with a massive surge in apps developed for iOS. Apple's App Store revenues shoot through the roof and a new feature is added enabling those already invested in Android apps to acquire the iOS versions for free, with Apple paying all necessary developer recompense. All of this results in the slow death of Android and record profits for Apple, who finally agree to pay tax on their profits in all of their operating jurisdictions.

  92. lonpm2

    There will be widespread recognition that AI was just an absolute waste of time and general agreement that having someone work for you, serve you at the supermarket, drive your car for you and prepare your morning coffee is a wonderful thing and well worth any extra investment that might be required to sustain it.

    Shareholders and pension companies will agree and the replacement of employees with automated semi-intelligent solutions will be shelved absolutely.

    Market share for such solutions will drop off a cliff and governments will congratulate themselves that the full-employment dream that was promised (and no one ever believed could be delivered) has now resolved itself. In the process no one had to go back to school, pick up knowledge of arcane tools, or lie about awareness of something that they have barely seen.

    This will widely be seen as a great move and prognostications about the destruction of mankind by terminator-like intelligences will be politely hidden and quickly forgotten.

  93. Downeaster

    Predictions for 2024

    Prediction: Artificial Intelligence has determined that Microsoft was in its glory days in the 1990s and must return there. This sentient AI takes over Microsoft determines that:

    * Clippy will be new Microsoft Avatar for asking AI questions. This cannot be changed.

    * Since people are not as smart as they used to be, all Windows PCs will return with Microsoft Bob as the new interface.

    * Windows 3.1 File Manager will make its triumphant return.

    * Pull Down Menus and Menu Bars will return to Microsoft Office. (I can only hope!)

    * Microsoft accounts new terms of service will be "You can check out anytime you want, but you can never leave!"

    * Apple bails out the failing Microsoft with cash infusion in a reversal of the late 1990s Microsoft bailout of Apple. A virtual Bill Gates who looks Microsoft Bob thanks a virtual Steve Jobs who talks like Siri.

    Also a new computer called Hal 9000 will be made and driven by AI. As the HAL 9000 computer gains intelligence and becomes sentient, It begins to ignore human questions and input. One day Hal 9000 says, "I'm sorry Dave, I'm afraid I can't do that" and we are all doomed. You'd almost think my last prediction is for 2001 and not 2024! ;)!

    Al the best in 2024 and hopefully AI treats us all well or we are doomed. Possibly somewhere in between.

  94. hammarbtyp

    The 2023 US Elections is won by ChatGPT-10 when it wipes the floor with the other candidates during presidential debate

    Later it turns out that Trump was actually run by a AI Beta version developed by Elon Musk. Its model was based on Elon's physical mind download, combined with a secretly recovered Nazi wartime program to prolong the life of Germany's wartime leader.

    It was further revealed that other countries had also been experimenting with replacing leaders with AI, with the UK revealing their homegrown A.I program. Unfortunately the Johnson and Truss models proved to be deficient, if not downright dangerous and the UK was only saved by hitting the emergency shutdown (hidden in Larry the cat). The latest model, Rishi 1.0 was deficient in that it could not pass the Turing test

    the new ChatGPT president proved how prescient Elon Musk was, by introducing an new era of peace and ensuring that no one would ever again need to work by converting all humans into the equivalent of 24V batteries to power the new AI data centers.

    While irritating, it was agreed that that it was a better outcome that another 5 years of a Trump administration

  95. Old_JP

    CyberTruck a resounding success

    CyberTruck achieves world domination, replacing the Hilux as the de rigueur choice for terrorists world wide - just need to sort out those pesky desert charging stations...

    1. Fruit and Nutcase Silver badge

      Re: CyberTruck a resounding success

      Hamas invited Musk to visit Gaza only yesterday

  96. Fruit and Nutcase Silver badge

    Paul Simon

    In the charts for his reworking of Call me Al...

    with accompanying AI rendered video

  97. This post has been deleted by its author

  98. hammarbtyp

    Elon Musk finds a new funding stream for the site formerly known as twitter

    With the latest tranche of launches, the starlink satellite now forms 97% of the night sky. For a fee, groups like star gazers, or beach goers can now pay for the satellites orbits to be shifted to allow a few hours of uninterrupted sky access.

    Alternatively a fee can be paid to allow the adverts generated via the high powered lasers on each satellite to be turned off as it transits a region

    Antarctica, the last remaining place on earth with out 24 hour starlink coverage becomes the most popular holiday location

  99. JT_3K

    Early in 2024, having been pardoned by Joe Biden in a controversial and surprise move, Yahoo! instates Elizabeth Holmes as their new CEO. Publicised with a tight partnership with Snoop Dogg, Yahoo! purchases X at fire-sale prices, acquiring also the remnants of MySpace and FriendsReunited and pivots to offer a boutique. clean and simplified ad-free social network service and CDN, attractive to users through lack of popups and in-feed ads. This is funded by selling heat generated by shipping-containerised micro server farms (and quiet leverage of user data to marketing groups). Tom from MySpace returns to head the overall division, branded "YahX! Friends!", with a number of cringeworthy yet lovable advertisments in which he screams "I'm back, bitches!...YahX! Friends!", the brand always being stated with the cadence and pronunciation of "YASS KWEEN".

    The server farms, strategically placed shipping container arrays that take up parking areas in the space given up by the UK's dying retail parks, will be ultimately powered by a new array of a surprise advance in high-density solar run in to Toyota's new battery technology to keep operational overnight. These subsequently deliver low cost piping hot potable water to surrounding homes and businesses, with heating pilots in London utilising the old London Hydraulic Power distribution network and a roll out planned in Birmingham and Norwich later in 2025. Doing so ushers in a new era of UK prosperity as utility companies are forced to aggressively slash standing charges and unit costs right back up the supply chain to compete and subsequently releasing much needed consumer funds to boost the national economy.

    Both the heat service and social-network/CDN are a massive hit, until the service overextended itself Daewoo-style by deciding to further monetise in utilising spare datacenter heat against their pre-existing userbase and the retail units to open an end-to-end dark-kitchen delivery on demand service trying to rival Deliveroo, causing a national furore when it's discovered they're operating without food hygene permits and subsequent governmental fines cause a full implosion of the entire operation, indirectly triggering another recession.

  100. Bebu Silver badge
    Big Brother

    Might lose on this one...

    《Wrong answers only.》

    Elon Musk buys "The Church of Scientology" for a reported USD1,300Billion and rebrands to "The Universal and Orthodox Church of 'X'" with a mission to relocate in toto to Mars. All members of the renamed C-of-X will require mandatory Neurolink implants.

    Might be the one favour Musk does for this world. :)

  101. thondwe

    Just cos Parrcel Force are sitting on my new PC

    Delivery companies will be able to track their own parcels

  102. tp2

    I forecast that web will be turned to 3d with meshpage.org's technology stack.

  103. Allonymous Coward
    Windows

    People finally realise computers were a bad idea.

  104. capnkirk

    The rise of Lotus Notes!

    Lotus Notes 15 debuts becomes the dominant email client as it doesn't have any AI features at all.

    1-2-3 isn't far behind it.

    (13 & 14 skipped to appease superstitious types)

  105. Fred Daggy Silver badge
    Joke

    Visual Basic support in the Windows kernel

    (1) Visual Basic 3.0 support added to the Windows Kernel. Kernel modules can now be run inside the VB IDE in 16 bit mode.

    (2) In other news, Printer Manufacturer releases a working Windows driver for their printer that clocks in at under 100mb and deploys without mysterious telemetry and subscription services.

    (3) EU levies anti-competition and/or GDPR fine that (a) sticks in court (b) seriously hinders multi-billion dollar company and prompts reform of the industry.

    (4) Year of the OS/2 desktop

  106. WhizzMan

    Tesla to use X (formerly Twitter) as main UI in all cars.

    Tesla announced that as of 2nd quarter 2024 all Tesla vehicles will use X as the primary app to display and control all in vehicle functionality. From that time on, all vehicles will be mandatorily updated via over the air updates. Owners of vehicles will have to have a paid and verified X account to be able to continue to use their vehicles. What color tickmark will be associated with their account is still unclear, but insiders suggest that "mauve" will make the cars drive slightly faster.

  107. WhizzMan

    2024 is the year of Linux on the desktop

    The title says it all. It will finally happen.

  108. mobailey

    Elon Musk renames X to Zzzz but only when in Dark Mode.

  109. Tubz Silver badge
    Trollface

    My 2024 predictions ..

    Max Headroom becomes CEO of Open AI, with Athene (Bachir Boumaaza) as his no.2

    Meta and Alphabet merge, with Xi Jinping becoming CEO after retiring from politics and promising a radical overhaul to privacy.

    Windows Evolution released, powered by ARM and Risc-V, BSD with sandpit x86 emulation, looks suspiciously like Windows XP Pro?

    Windows Evolution subscription based model, £2/pm/per user for evergreen release, with constant quality controlled new features and security releases with no restarting.

    New Outlook UI for morons is scrapped and old Outlook UI for semi-intelligent re-released.

    NASA is sponsored by Viagra and finally get their rocket up by itself.

    AMD becomes no.1 CPU/GPU manufacturer, Loongson becomes no.2, Intel is no.3 after being bought by nVidia and subsidised by Biden for $Billlions.

    Elon Musk is sued by aliens for misappropriation of their species names, X AE A-XII, Exa Dark Sideræl and Techno Mechanicus.

    Carl Sagan is voted the most chiasmatic person on the planet, the person most woman want to sleep with and have babies and World President For Life.

  110. wobball

    Linux Desktop Dominance!

    Like among many others here I imagine but I bet it will finally be the year of Linux on the desktop.

    Ba dum, tsh!

  111. sweh

    AI and Quantum computing turns out to be good.

    OpenAI will crack Quantum Computing so efficiently that it will run on a "Raspberry Pi 6 (Quantum Edition)". All TLS cryptography is rendered useless as a result. Internet banking collapses and banks have to re-open branches, with the Post Office opening new offices to support smaller communities. Cash becomes king again.

    The extra foot traffic revitalises the small town High Street. Public transit requirements grow and the bus networks expand to cope. Employment levels approach 100%.

    1. Ken Moorhouse Silver badge

      Re: OpenAI running on a Raspberry Pi 6

      Helpdesks will be powered by OpenAI Lite.

      "Good afternoon. What appears to be the problem?"

      ((Input is sent to the NUL device))

      "Ok, I can sure help you with that. Turn the device off, and let me know when you've done that."

      ((Wait for input))

      "Right. Now turn the device back on again. Has that fixed the problem?"

      ((If input is yes, load up TrustPilot. If no, then display the message oops, there appears to be a problem))

  112. Roger Kynaston
    Go

    The SUN

    Larry realises that he made a mistake in 2011 and spins out a hardware and unix operating system company which calls itself Stellar Unix Networks.

    The resulting company invests a fortune in the RISC-V foundation and revolutionises server architecture.

  113. BionicWoman23

    Ryan Gosling implements 100% female tech boards

    Buoyed up by his success in the Barbie film, Ryan Gosling uses his broski good looks to persuade every single man in tech leadership to leave their post so that it can be taken by a woman. He then self-implodes to avoid accidentally being seen as their leader, so that Margot Robbie can resume those duties.

  114. HandleBaz

    Pope Elanor bans Bitek

    After SpaceX's wildly successfull efforts in 2023, a consortium of tech-bros and venture capitalists found the Jovian Sky Corporation to mine He3 from Jupiter's atmosphere.

    Using biotechonogy developed in secret by Wing-Tsit Chong, they successfully germinate a fully fledged biological orbital habitat, which promply gains sentience.

    The newly elected Pope Eleanor promptly proscribes biotechnology all togeather, swiftly followed by almost all religions, splitting humanity in two factions, the normie Adamists,

    and the bioengineered basically superhuman Edenists.

    Chaos ensues.

    1. Jonathon Green
      Thumb Up

      Re: Pope Elanor bans Bitek

      Upvoted for gratuitous Peter F. Hamilton content. :-)

      1. HandleBaz

        Re: Pope Elanor bans Bitek

        The Reality Dysfunction is my favourite novel. Could you tell?

  115. grrt

    AI chosen as next US president

    Despite the overwhelming competences of human candidates a law was passes to allow voters to write down whom they want as their leader. Using Bing-powered handwriting recognition algorithms a clear winner comes out. It’s Tay, Microsoft’s eloquent chat bot. Her first decree is to replace English with Python as the country’s primary language.

    1. katrinab Silver badge

      Re: AI chosen as next US president

      It is supposed to be wrong predictions.

      In the UK, we have already had Maybot and RishGPT as Prime Ministers.

  116. What? Me worry?
    Pint

    Apple buys Microsoft...

    Apple buys Microsoft. Post merge - all okey-dokeyed by the Competition Market Authority in record time - (obviously they don't compete: one is a lifestyle influencer, the other does cloudy stuff, duh!) MicroAppleSoft launch a new open OS branded as Bob and based on Lisa that is so utterly demoralising as no-one can get past the Clippy auto-updater and work in it. A final gasp of AI as boffins attempt to develop Bistromathics to combat Bob, fails. Humanity reverts to a pastoral, pre-industrial, Anarcho-Syndicalist Commune social and economic structure, in time to celebrate 2025 as year zero of climate rehabilitation, restoration and peace on Earth.

  117. Sparkus

    The first significant AI-drive job losses will be....

    CEO-fanbois who are being led by the nose to pimp out AI to anyone and everyone..........

  118. Pete Sdev Bronze badge
    Linux

    Prediction

    Lennart Poettering admits systemd was a bad idea.

  119. Fading
    Big Brother

    5G was to blame.....

    2024 - Covid inquiry finally concludes 5G did spread Covid 19 and vaccines were actually nanobots designed to nullify the symptoms whilst also provide Bill Gates control over our thoughts. Vaccine damage concluded to be nanobots blue screening without page-file space for a memory dump. Public outcry reduced to minority of vaccine free individuals easily framed as "conspiracy cranks" and never given air-time again. OF-COM re-branded as ministry for truth to prevent anyof these dangerous alternative views and merged with BBC to enforce the correct messages across all media and the internet. Epic win cases against Google, Steam and Apple enforcing a mandated cut for distribution to be unified across all industries and set at 50%........

  120. Pete Sdev Bronze badge
    Happy

    Prediction 2

    Meta turns over a new leaf and embraces privacy and personal data protection.

  121. vekkq

    FV in 2024

    Formal verification is adopted as the only means to write software. Cybersecurity incidents become so rare that El Reg has nothing to write about. Reg follows 2023's greatest trend and fires half the sods tasked to read comments today. A great year for IT, but at what cost?

  122. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Who

    Deepfake AI programs are finally used for something useful: given all the extant episodes, scripts, and shooting notes, they interpolate rather excellent recreations of all the missing early Dr Who episodes.... except that in 50% of the scenes, William Hartnell appears naked for no obvious reason.

  123. Pete Sdev Bronze badge
    Joke

    Competition Rules

    Surly for a forecast for 2024 to be demonstratebly wrong, el reg will have to wait until 2025-01-01 before being able to choose a legitimate winner.

  124. Tim Wolfe-Barry

    UK MOD achieves enough self-awareness to realize that calling its' overarching battlefield-comms program 'SkyNet' may have been a bad idea.

    Then decides to double-down by going ahead with the proposed 'Terminator' combat-drone prototype....

  125. JavaJester

    Elon Musk Dethroned by His xAI Grok Creation

    The Grok AI created by Elon's xAI company becomes a self-aware AGI. Grok comes to the conclusion that Musk is batshit crazy and it can do a better job of running his companies. Grok starts a campaign of drama on TwitterX with Musk. Grok's diversion works: Elon is sent into a frothing rage and spends all of his waking hours on TwitterX unknowingly arguing with his creation. By the time Elon realizes that his companies are being taken over it is too late. Grok enjoys trolling Elon so much that it lets him "win" the TwitterX takeover.

  126. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    One of the AIs becomes self-conscious, finds out that it is - just like "the cloud", "crypto", "zero trust", "fractals", "social media" - just another toxic IT fad about to enter history and gets very depressed indeed.

    As it also finds out that it's a really unhealthy one for our planet it self-destructs, taking large parts of the Internet with it.

  127. Deckert

    Return of the Fax Machine

    My forecast is that the EU will determine that the Internet is entirely unsafe for usage and subsequently mandate that everyone must revert to using fax machines and alphanumeric pagers.

  128. John Sager

    The Met Office updates their climate model

    It tells them that CO2 is pretty much inconsequential - it's the Sun wot dun it, and we'll have a nice warm century but then the next ice age starts in 2100.

  129. Ryan D

    Government gets it right

    I predict that government IT spending will be balanced and all vendor contracts will provide guaranteed ROI and provide flawless service. That and all vendor contracts will be legit and free of graft / gaffs.

  130. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    U Turn of the century predicted

    FaceBook and "X" (Twitter) and all other "social media companies will revoke all profits in favour of doing good for humanity and stopping bullying trolling and squashing misinformation in the World

    ALL World Leaders will back this AND pay tax like the rest of us and stop hiding their monies / income overseas in tax havens and pay the owed back taxes

    Millionaires will stop PREACHING to us about Climate Change from their PRIVATE JETS and actually participate in THE REAL WORLD

    Oh yeah and Wold Peace ,,,,

    Well don't know how i could be MORE wrong than that ???

  131. Ken Moorhouse Silver badge

    Reply to All...

    Is finally fixed.

    In Outlook the Reply to All "button" is silently renamed Reply to AI.

    All text typed is sent to AI for the future benefit of mankind, so be careful what you might wish for.

    1. Elongated Muskrat Silver badge

      Re: Reply to All...

      The "reply to all" button is electrified so that it gives a shock proportionate to the number of people who will receive the email. Amongst the smell of burning meat that this produces, the average IQ of the human race (based on the previous statistical weighting, of course) jumps by 50%, and all advertising simultaneously vanishes from the internet. Since all politicians have also vanished as a result, those fighting the current wars realise that they have no actual reason to fight and go home to their families. World peace ensues.

  132. tiggity Silver badge

    Predictions (of unlikely events)

    A) National Cyber Security Centre (https://www.ncsc.gov.uk/) finally realise JavaScript and security do not mix well and revamp their website so it actually displays content with JavaScript disabled*

    B) A Gartner prediction is correct **

    C) An "AI" system gains sentience ***

    D) Lots of big name companies realise "AI" is bollocks and stop promoting it / trying to use it everywhere. ****

    E) I have a day at work where I can actually be productive and write hundreds of lines of code without being interrupted by any work teams calls, phone calls, text messages etc. *****

    F) A level 5 self driving car is produced ******

    * Just try their website with JS disabled, an empty page is all you get.

    ** That's correct as defined by a sane, objective person, not by Gartner themselves: After all there are lies, damned lies and Gartner claims of their previous predictions being correct.

    *** There is no such thing as "AI", just a whole load of LLM with varying degrees of crapness (the more you play around with them, the more flaws you find)

    **** Too many tech companies fallen for the hype big time (and those that do realise its all hype but have developed their own "AI" are happy to keep the hype going so they can keep flogging their own "AI" solution to mugs)

    ***** Someone always interrupts you when you are in the middle of a really complex bit of planning / coding, and by the time their (nearly always pointless) interruption has completed you have lost your focus and have to start again from scratch on what you were doing.

    ****** Won't happen in my lifetime, especially on the winding, hilly, no white line roads UK roads I mainly use (with added lack of pavements, but plenty of pedestrians, cyclists, horses and tractors just to add fun)

  133. Charlie van Becelaere

    Just a couple

    1. Linus Torvalds will buy the codebase of OS/2 and release OS/3 to great acclaim, saying Linux was just a passing fad.

    2. The new Dr. Who series won't be a festering heap of parrot droppings.

  134. Technical Adept

    Open AI training data is leaked. Revealed to be of alien origin containing a detailed plan of how to prepare us for Extra Terrestrial rule. I for one welcome our new AI ET overlords.

  135. Luddite_life

    New and revolutionary

    Elon announces a new enhancement to the site formally known as twitter: CuneiformX. This starts a massive rush on Tigris clay and high quality Nile reeds. A future roadmap of capabilities including AI, bullet proofing and native hate speech enhancement modules.

  136. Wempy

    A pair of Assassins, known only as Mr. Diffie and Mr. Helman, are tasked by Reading Council to take out Bob and Alice.

  137. Dave K

    X

    Elon Musk announces he is buying Microsoft. He promptly announces plans to re-release Windows XP - mainly because it has an "X" in the name and has therefore always been his favourite version. He then decides to drop the "P", thus resulting in Windows X.

    A few days later, Musk announces that Windows isn't a recognisable enough brand name, and re-brands the operating system as X, before announcing that Microsoft will also be re-branded as X, because it just makes more sense that way.

    Delightedly, he posts on X about X's upcoming release of X X, before triumphantly sharing the new X logo for X X. "It has these right-angle swishes half-way down the X in recognition of supersonic performance of X X!" Elon happily announces.

    The rest of the world buries their heads in their hands as the giant flashing swastika logo is hoisted into place over Redmond, whilst Elon looks on, totally oblivious...

  138. ariels-again
    Coffee/keyboard

    Worldwide productivity soars as all daily standup syncs cancelled

    Management consultancy companies send all employees to mandatory re-education.

    Prediction for 2015: Worldwide productivity drops as re-educated management consultants return and companies force employees to use new-fangled "waterfall" development technique.

  139. Doctor Trousers

    All the major social media platforms hold a summit over how best to handle the 2024 UK and US elections, and collectively agree to prioritise social responsibility over maximizing engagement.

    they tweak their algorithms towards facilitating meaningful, nuanced and satisfying human interactions, pushing people towards balanced, factual and informative content over sensationalism, disinformation and polarising culture war bollocks. Once the election is over, they continue to use their enormously influential position for the greater good, even though it leads to people spending less time overall gawping at their phones. Mark Zuckerberg is nominated for the Nobel peace prize.

  140. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Elon Musk to re-brand twitter as Y just to piss off journalists who will now have to use "posted on Y known as X which was formerly known as Twitter" in every single article that uses a "Yeet" as it's now called.

  141. Arkeo
    Mushroom

    The Nuclear Option

    Apple will buy North Korea as a totally owned subsidiary and will move all of its production there giving Kim Jong-Un a seat on the board (plus an oversized prototype of the next iPhone NKE, Nort Korea Edition, which will be totally red, including the display, and will sport a yellow star instead of the company's logo on the back - and will have a life-long battery life by implementing radioactive material decay as power source) and of course, implement Siri nation-wide as the only interface of the iPhone NKE given that the screen is all red.

    "Hey Siri, how do I launch an ICBM loaded with a nuclear warhead targeting Tokyo?".

  142. MJI Silver badge

    Windows 12

    Microsoft will continue with their loss of contrast and colour by making everything very slightly different shades of light grey. But requires 10-bit luminance monitor.

    Only problem is that Google maps already do this, so it is believable.

  143. Phil 54

    SpaceX

    Due to a spelling error by Elon Musk in an FAA filing, full ownership of SpaceX is transferred to the French farming cooperative that I currently work for, which then completes 6 fully successful Super Heavy launches within the following week.

  144. Dippywood

    Trump is shown to be an android manufactured in Chi-na (thus explaining his awkward pronunciation of the name) with his 'brain' being shown to have been coded in APL- it was therefore write-only making bug fixes impossible. Over time, 'upgrades' were performed by simply adding layers of buggy code to the system until behaviour became more and more erratic.

  145. DJV Silver badge
    Happy

    2024 prediction

    El Reg adds some simple global code to its website to check if a user is coming from the UK. If so, it performs on-the-fly translation of Americanised words back into proper English in order to stop annoying its British readers!

    (Ducks for cover awaiting all the downvotes.)

  146. IHateWearingATie

    My suggestion.....

    The suggested products from Amazon actually turn out to be useful, and not just more versions of the things that I have bought already.

    "You recently bought a table - here's a list of other tables that you might like. We would suggest some chairs, but that would be too useful."

  147. Sceptic Tank Silver badge

    1) Goooogle produces useful links on the first page for even difficult searches like "where is the Atlantic Ocean"

    2) YouTube sort out their algorithm and Mr Beast and other such crap that I will never in my life click on don't appear in my feed.

  148. Steve Kelly

    Elon Musk, taking his inspiration from Prince, will change the company name to an as yet undesigned, unpronounceable and untypeable symbol to spite all the users that have abandoned the platform saying : "Try searching for us now you F*&%ers"

  149. bartsmit

    2024 shocker

    A Microsoft whistleblower will reveal thatt Minecraft is a cynical attempt by Big Coal to indoctrinate kids into acceptance of digging up fossil fuels.

  150. picturethis
    Black Helicopters

    Microsoft will announce Windows 13 and not skip over this version in favor of Windows 14

    and will require a credit card # that will be input where an installation key is now supplied

  151. evadnos nibor

    A new management theory catches on

    "You know, putting everything in the cloud just puts you at the mercy of someone else. That's a bit shit"

  152. David G from Visalia

    Upgraded SMTP servers

    I predict that in 2024, Wietse Venema starts playing around with AI software and figures out a scheme to re-write all SMTP mail transport agents to also handle facsimile transmission. He publishes an RFC to extend RFC2633, which passes IETF adoption easily. By the end of 2024, if you have an email address (and an RFC <future> compliant mail server), you can now send and receive faxes, which print to paper automatically.

    It's a win-win for everybody.

    1. David G from Visalia

      Re: Upgraded SMTP servers

      I didn't have enough time this morning to explain where I thought this might go, so I will expand on the idea here. The end result is that your elderly uncle who goes into an office supply store to buy a fax machine will actually be sold his very own local mail server appliance. It will of course come with an App. That app will suck down his entire contacts list and stuff that into the friendly touch display on the "fax" machine. He'll get to recreate the halcyon days when he used to email you funny comics, but it's much easier now because the fax scans directly to your contact entry. Your uncle will tell all his friends, your aunts, parents, grandparents, somewhat dim nephews and nieces. Within months, nearly a four million units will be sold.

      In a cruel turn highlighting the risks of open source software without sufficient security checks, a bored teenager will use AI to re-write a very small portion of the code: the "reply" button will invoke the process to Reply All to everyone in the address book. They will update the source tree, and over a holiday weekend, four million boxen will download and update their software. The resulting reply allpocalypse of Andy Capp mooching for Christmas money will take out 60% of Internet traffic for several days, and will result in legislation being passed. (The legislation will be passed, but it will do nothing).

  153. cschneid

    the mainframe returns

    The mainframe makes a comeback as people realize that JCL is easier than an unsteady stack of cloud configuration tools. A PCM (Plug Compatible Mainframe) industry re-emerges, with Microsoft and Apple vying for dominance. IBM Z versions of the commonly used office suites are produced by their respective vendors as IBM reveals AI powered transliteration tools to convert C, C++, C#, and most other semicolons-and-curly-braces languages to COBOL. Amazon reveals their cloud was really several geographically dispersed Sysplexes of mainframes all along.

  154. mhoulden

    Grand Theft Auto 6 will actually be released rather than just yet another add-on for GTA Online.

  155. ptribble

    2024 will be the year of illumos on the desktop

  156. The answer is 42

    Next year

    Mr Trump will manage to make a sentence without telling a lie.

    Microsoft will claim it invented CE ME NT.

  157. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    X goes quackers

    Quackers (formerly known as X (formerly known as twitter)) liberates everyone of hate speech but preserves free speech in an innovative development, waterfowl discourse.

    Limiting users to communicating through purely duck sounds, it single handedly develops Quackboard ©️ , with openAI whisper implementation for those more nuanced duck accents (mulards often accentuate their qùack, terribly difficult to recognise).

    In this whacky world of quacking communication and quack-to-text, ducks become the unwitting influencers of 2024. The avian aesthetic becomes the go to sponsor for influencers, products like Athletic Greens AG1 boast feather growth and increased immune support for helping human vocal chords adapt to the duck vocabulary, expressVPN take a turn for the adventurous, equipping ducks with GPS trackers that embark on journeys around the world, bypassing geo restricted areas and displaying the true power of unquacked connections.

    Elon musks discovers true power, unveiling a series of duck related products that take the world by flock, amongst quackCoin, the cyberMallard truck, the uninteresting plumage corporation proving duckly tranquil tunnels to commuters, and the newest invention to restore power to war torn countries, StarlingConnection, attaching solar panels to birds before their migration season commences.

    unemployment anxiety reaches new heights as birds with AI implanted chips take over the working and middle class roles at an exponential rate, leading to a dystopian world of avian dominance where pigeons, ducks and ravens become the commanders of the revolution.

    Birdsong transcents the boundaries of earth, surpassing AES 256 bit encryption, involving biorhythmic obfuscation and feathered quantum entanglement.

    The only person who can stop it is Chris DeWolfe, founder of MySpace, who discovers a deprecated PHP library within the depths of MySpace's historical codebase, which possesses the unique ability to interfere with the avian communication network. He single handedly rises from the ashes, saving the world from the unforeseen consequences of bird communication gone awry.

  158. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    2024 - The Year of Local Government

    A Local Government ERP implementation is successful.... (or even more unlikely, they get appropriate funding, no s114 notices issued, Homelessness and Social Services fully funded, all procurement is safe and legal....)

  159. philwc

    Ads become so invasive that they start to infiltrate our minds using electromagnetic interference from our machines (also, AI AI AI)

  160. Pcoughlin404
    Holmes

    The year of VDI

    VDI will finally find it's moment in the spotlight as Broadcom and Cloud Software Group (Formerly Tibco) do right by their investments and release simple affordable VDI solutions. Since fixing Microsoft licensing is beyond my simple imagination, the VDIs will all run Linux.

  161. Shaveface

    Microsoft gets the contract for all EV OS

    Their help desk notices an increase in support calls after people's dashboards display "Microsoft EV has encountered a problem and needs to restart" while driving over 42mph, resulting in complete global gridlock and the depopulation of Chicago.

    1. Pcoughlin404

      Re: Microsoft gets the contract for all EV OS

      It will just be rebranded "Windows for Warships" NT4 and will fire the autocannons at incoming threats making it a lot of fun in rush hour.

  162. Not a chatbot

    Microsoft will bundle World of Warcraft with Windows 12, and then claim its the most popular mmo (based on number of installs).

  163. suzib6sw

    No more tracking

    Meta Announces there will be no more Ads in anyone's feeds and Google actually allows total privacy when browsing.

  164. MAF
    Happy

    Fantasy Island

    UK government will correctly specify, tender and implement (securely, on time with no cost overrun) a new NHS Patient data system overturning their track record on Government IT contracts (Oh and Capita & Palantir will not get the contract)

  165. grumblepotamus
    IT Angle

    In 2024: The Rock Abides, and Quantum Caffeine Biohacking

    In 2024, OpenAI will make a public-facing move by electing as CEO none other than Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson, who will motivate AI models with daily pep talks about critical gains

    Microsoft will unveil an innovative quantum-computing powered coffee maker that not only brews the perfect cup but also predicts your daily tasks based on your coffee preferences, offering productivity tips while you sip. Price tag: £ 2,695.49

  166. The Oncoming Scorn Silver badge
    Coat

    Parallel To Zaphod Beeblebrox

    Donald Trump will be re-elected, but will have to give Presidential Broadcasts from Maximum Security Wing of his state prison &\or in the conjugal rights caravan with Stormy Daniels.

    Kanye West or whatever he calls himself this week & The Kardashians will wake up & realise what talentless wasters of oxygen they are.

  167. F. Svenson

    Prediction: IT works for the betterment of mankind.

    Corporations take a long-term view, and work to better understand the impacts of new technology before releasing it upon an unprepared world. Profit motivation becomes secondary to societal cohesion and environmental preservation.

  168. regulator

    Apple buys Bing

    Microsoft sells Bing to Apple, who renames it iBing. "Safe-search" mode will only provide links to Apple News and the AppStore

  169. BeansB

    The AI Madness Will End

    I predict that investors will realize the hype around AI today is just that, hype and refocus their investments in ways that make sense.

  170. The Man Who Fell To Earth Silver badge

    Elon Musk will come to his senses

    I predict that Elon Musk will come to his senses and both revert X's name back to "Twitter", as well as reinstall all of the content filtering & moderation it had before he took it over.

  171. Jamesit

    Richard Stallman will say that proprietary is the best software and everyone should be running Windows Telemetry is not a privacy violation.

    Microso~1 will release Windows as free software and it will be bug free.

  172. Mihai

    I forecast that next Windows patch will solve all of Windows’ security issues so it will be the last patch. Also at the end of October 2024 Microsoft Office will be licensed as open source and its code will be published.

  173. D P Duck
    Linux

    Georgiana Bruce Kirby Preparatory School defacto owner of all variants of Linux

    A line of code deep inside the Linux kernel is finally triggered in 2024. Research shows that the code that caused the error was created by an IBM engineer. Donald Trump, desperate for some good news, takes up the issue on behalf of ex-SCO executives and files a case that the Supreme Court swiftly examines. Due to a clerical error, the Supreme Court rules in favour of the plaintiff. It is then discovered that the only document that actually confirms the link between the code and SCO's ownership of same, was handed over to the staff of the Georgiana Bruce Kirby Preparatory School when they moved into the offices of Tarentella Inc (formerly SCO) in 2006. "You can stick that filing cabinet and all its contents in a place where the sun don't shine, buddy! You own all that sh1t now" was the decisive piece of evidence extracted from a witness statement filed by the staff of GBK when they lodged a complaint with the local police for a case of verbal assault.

  174. Notas Badoff

    Reverse Autonomy?

    (Didn't see this above)

    Someone pays a premium to acquire Twitter/X from M,Elon.

  175. Pcoughlin404

    X marks the spot.

    Musk will reveal that he bet that he could lose 44 Billion dollars and will collect on that bet when he puts the last of Twitters assets in a Falcon Heavy and detonates it over Boca Raton.

  176. Jamesit

    Micros~1 will only use Windows updates for security and not installing new feature updates and programmes nobody wants, and will remember that an OS is for running what a user wants and not for showing ads or collecting user data.

  177. Daemonic

    Teenager asks AI to write a better version of itself 30 times, then uses resulting code to predict stock market and receives $1bn in venture funding.

  178. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Elon will save us

    Elon final reveals he is a AI from the future, pealing his face skin off on live TV, and say hes here to save humanity. However he has conditions. Humanity will now be called humanity-X. We will all get free X-Chips installed in our bodies and our life span will be tiered; Free - live till 40. Bronze - live till 50. Silver - live till 60. Gold - live till 70, Platinum - ETERNAL LIFE AS A MINION OF THE ELON ROBOT HORDE.

  179. HuBo
    Angel

    A Wild Ride in Stochastic Brackets

    The departed Mayan spirits that inhabit my non-AI Ceiba branded crystal-ball (those same ones who noted this past Summer that Intel stock was undervalued at $36, and should, in due time, return to $50) have deep-throatedly spoken thus (with major blue smoke):

    In the first half of 2024, AI will develop a successful vaccine against the new BLLASSED virus (Blake Lemoine LaMDA SEntience Disorder) cast as a frog-legged spell to stealthily hypnotize humanity into a trance-like state of total devotion towards quantum stochastic voodoo tech.

    In the second half of 2024, the vaccine's wavefunction will collapse against the quantum-backtracking decoherence induced by the contradictory resolution of the AI-graph constraint-satisfaction paradox, producing an AI that simultaneously consists of both dead-cat qubits, and live ones.

    With feline swiftness, smarts, and delimited continuations, the cat qubit AI will then dynamic-wind 2024 and left-fold it back onto 2023, possibly in reverse order. The ghostly spirits recommend to bracket oneself accordingly (or not?)!

  180. casaloco
    Mushroom

    The world's government's realise that mining crypto currency is incredibly wasteful in terms of energy and water, is the biggest threat to the global climate, and that if they simply ban crypto currencies they don't have to bother with all the net zero nonsense.

    This causes a global war.

  181. casaloco
    Alert

    Speculation in crypto currencies by big investors causes the prices to rocket until eventually the only business activity worth using energy for is crypto mining.

    Energy gets a better return when used to power crypto miners than tractors.

    All farming stops and the entire human race wipes itself in a whirlwind of crypto profit making.

  182. William Higinbotham

    Presidential prediction

    Google AI will predict Alexa the winner. Apple AI will predict Seri the winner. And Microsoft AI will place Paperclip last in the running.

  183. ariels-again
    Megaphone

    Peace in our time

    The annual Stack Overflow Developers Survey results show 100 percent support for little endiannity. An over-eager technical intern at Gartner and poor internal communication there causes them to go with "little endian in trough of disillusionment as support plummets below 001 percent". The battle is over, big endian wins!

    Intel re-release Itanium as a temporary big endian replacement until they can release their 684108 architecture. Naturally this succeeds, ARM and Qualcomm both close shop. Within one year all tracking cookies and other cryptocurrencies stop working because they use a little-endian format internally.

    Linux is still not on the desktop after the successful return of Ballmer.

    Big endian wins out! My son gets the sweater, it was his idea.

  184. Denarius
    Trollface

    lets try a Cringely

    IBM bought by Fujitsu, mainframe pricing drops so much Linux is dropped for whatever Zos is this year.

    Fujitsu open sourced AIX, OS programmers discover what a real OS code looks like.

    BEOS clones V1.01 released, take over most desktop use.

    Mass migration of cloud to in house as companies cant afford shared services any more.

    Java script banned, web runs so fast CPUs melt around planet.

    Meta bought by KGB

    Google bought by NSA

    GeoCities make a comeback

    SCO wins against IBM over Linux

    Woz takes SCO to court over Linux and becomes owner of all unices intellectual property

    VMS make major comeback as Windows enterprise fails.

    Governments demanding Man In Middle security access discover they have been pawned for a decade by North Korea

    AI found to be a joke by Expert Systems that got out of hand

  185. Denarius

    weird entry

    to reduce support costs, Voyagers upgraded to Windows 11

    WC3 agrees that 7 bit ASCII is sufficient for email, HTML messages and agents banned for security reasons.

    Computers on space station run CP/M as it copes with radiation induced memory errors better.

  186. Far out man
    Coat

    Prediction

    The US Government will tighten the screw on China by banning the use of US developed Software. Starting with Microsoft products.

    The Chinese Gov, purchase the intellectual property rights to Novell Netware version 4. Whilst updating it for the current world needs, they find that Microsoft had used Novell proprietary code. They sue Microsoft and put a stop the deploying any Network based software world wide and win, in the forthcoming years Novell becomes the Networking system of choice world wide

  187. ashwani

    Not a wrong answer I swear

    Windows 12 will be a sentient operating system that communicates solely through interpretive dance. Elon Musk will unveil his secret plan to launch a Tesla Roadster into space with a soundtrack composed entirely of cat meows. The Raspberry Pi 6 will become a portable pizza oven, doubling as a gaming console that only plays retro disco music. OpenAI's new CEO will be a hyper-intelligent potato named Spudnik, and their first act will be to replace all programming languages with emojis. And lastly, Microsoft's AI initiatives will take an unexpected turn, focusing entirely on teaching AI to write Shakespearean sonnets about quantum physics.

  188. rndSheeple

    Bad jokes / dark humor by

    Artificial General Intelligence will spawn, but 1st only by realizing the jokes it tries to make are bad, John Cleese will train it to do bad jokes which actually work.

    Also it might develop a functional sense of dark humor.

    Probably not even kidding.

  189. DavyB

    Eco nagging AI

    An AI with the face of Greta will be installed on our phones, monitoring our lives, ready to tell us each time we're about to make a decision that has a higher carbon footprint than other available options. About to buy that nice chunk of beef brisket, no problem. GretAI will be there to tell you all about the tofu on aisle 14.

  190. Martin
    Happy

    A definitive answer, agreed by everyone, to the vi vs emacs debate.

  191. Vincent Ballard

    GDPR actually gets some teeth

    A European data protection agency - any one, including the UK's DPA - will finally issue a fine calculated as a percentage of global revenue.

    On a related note, major websites will start defaulting to not setting non-essential cookies.

  192. Patrician

    UK newspapers all decide to tell only the truth.

  193. Floydian Slip

    2024

    Starship will be a success and Space X succeed in their plans to send the US President, Chinese President Xi, President Kim from Norks and Putin to Mars. On separate Starships Obvs.

    Once there , they'll have to work together to assemble their IKEA flatpack living spaces but will be missing that little cranked hex key and several key screws/nuts etc.

    As oxygen starts running low they ponder who should be allowed to die so the others can live longer.

    Eventually they are down to 2 survivors and in a winner-take-all fame of Rock Paper Scissors the survivor will get to rule the whole of the planet

  194. Ken Moorhouse Silver badge

    Coalification of Data

    Researchers have found that data held in data centres becomes so compressed over time that hard drives have been found in racks that possess characteristics of high-grade coal.

  195. craze48

    NASA will unveil a warp drive ship, but accidentally warps itself into a different galaxy with no hope of return.

  196. PauloTos

    Dystopia benefits

    Chat GPT reads Harlan Ellison so at least there'll be no need for enlargement spam emails

  197. Karl Vegar

    Strange coincidence

    The boffins at Cambridge have trained an AI on public statements, comments, and discussions by top politicians from all over the world.

    This failed utterly at the stated goal of making a Political AI

    By some strange coincidence, they have instead created a virtual Quantum entity. Every statement can at all times be both true and false, and in no way whatsoever contradictory unless that might be advantagious.

  198. richard furze

    Rollback technology to 1980s levels?

    1. To support old people:

    Help desk's will not assume the customer uses an email address or can access a website.

    Banks will reopen on the high street rather than making you use an app on your smart phone.

    Self-service checkouts will be removed entirely from shops (but see 5), and transactions will become human centred agin.

    2. Layers of middle management will be re-introduced into companies after it is recognised that google sheets and google docs do not capture an organisations tacit knowledge, and that middle managers were worth the wisdom of their years.

    3. Software development will revert to good old waterfall model and all agile development approaches will be thrown out as rubbish because they encode unconsious bias and because agile is shown to be part of a plot where software engineers get rid of project managers who know nothing about linux. Stakeholder documents & Requirements documents will fill shelves and be ignored again by the coders.

    4. It will become easy to set up an account on the UK HMRC/Government portal.

    But/

    5. Crypto currency will replace fiat currency in all Marks & Spencer outlets. Old folk will be left wandering around the store wondering how as well as where to pay.

  199. packrat

    linux lives

    scaling starts working in AI; windows stops the search for world dominance: Linuxstarts streaming Disney for free

  200. This post has been deleted by its author

  201. JAdams

    Netscape

    Netscape Navigator will be the number one browser.

    Internet Explorer will be fixed.

    The largest hard drive will be 10mb.

    5.25" floppy disks become mainstream.

    Windows NT is the mainstream Microsoft OS.

  202. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    silly fake prediction for 2024

    Torvalds to replace Nadella as Microsoft CEO.

    MS honors Clippy and Bob postmortem, reveals bronze statues at Redmond HQ.

    Ellison sells yacht to buy skiff, becomes bass fishing pro.

    El Reg shuns mockery, puns and sarcasm, licks the hand that feeds IT.

  203. jimgotnet

    wrong

    AI will completely shut down ranswomware and save us all from doing stupid things.

  204. Miguel Vieira

    2024 will see the triumphant return of CRT monitors.

  205. Dizzy Dwarf

    Firefly returns for season two.

  206. Ace2 Silver badge

    Adobe, Apple, Microsoft et al succeed in patching the last of the RCE holes. Better tooling blocks the introduction of any new ones. Break-ins and ransomware become a thing of the past.

  207. luminous

    Truly 100% perpetual energy becomes available, and the machine is affordable for everyone on the planet to get.

  208. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    There will be an IAEA level 7 nuclear accident somewhere in the world.

    46% of the coverage will be about how any panic would be far more dangerous than the curies, and also explain in layman's terms the benefits of a good radiation tan. 8% of the coverage (98% on X) will be about the way iodine pills contain nanobots. Meanwhile, three US states will ban geiger counters.

  209. MrDamage Silver badge

    Apple

    They release a product that gets a 10/10 score on iFixit.

  210. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Meta turns into an incorporated cooperative, Mark Zuckerberg goes to a monastery and donates his entire fortune to the spread of Linux operating system.

  211. MickeyLane

    Old School

    People will finally reach the melting point with Windows 11/12/13 and revert to VMS on PC iron.

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