back to article Tesla goons will buy anything – including these $150 beers

When you have buggy, unstable alpha males hanging on Elon Musk's every word, it's only natural to want to sell them two beers for $150. Elon Musk Musky scent? Billionaire launches fragrance: Burnt Hair READ MORE Which is exactly what Tesla has done with the latest addition to its "lifestyle" store, where the aspirational can …

  1. DJO Silver badge

    What would George think

    I think we can be pretty accurate in guessing what Eric Arthur Blair would have thought about his Muskiness and I can assure you it would not be complimentary, not even a little bit.

    1. Bebu Silver badge
      Windows

      Re: What would George think

      《I think we can be pretty accurate in guessing what Eric Arthur Blair would have thought about his Muskiness and I can assure you it would not be complimentary, not even a little bit.》

      I would like to think he might pluck an Aspidistra from the air and implant it in a suitable part of Musk's anatomy.

    2. MyffyW Silver badge

      Re: What would George think

      Well it might be something like:

      "My case against [Musk] is that [he] writes mentally dishonest propaganda and degrades literary criticism to mutual arse-licking."

  2. This post has been deleted by its author

  3. GrumpenKraut
    Thumb Up

    "Cybertruck, Tesla's pickup model that looks like it hasn't rendered properly"

    Musk looks like he hasn't rendered properly as well.

    1. b0llchit Silver badge
      Coat

      Re: "Cybertruck, Tesla's pickup model that looks like it hasn't rendered properly"

      You need to ingest a couple of those tesla beers before you can appreciate the rendering of either.

      1. aerogems Silver badge

        Re: "Cybertruck, Tesla's pickup model that looks like it hasn't rendered properly"

        Beer googles to the rescue... until one day it shows up and you have to look at it in the cold light of sobriety, and be caught dead driving it around.

    2. aerogems Silver badge
      Coffee/keyboard

      Re: "Cybertruck, Tesla's pickup model that looks like it hasn't rendered properly"

      And that's after all the plastic surgery he's had done over the years.

      Here's a fairly recent photo

      https://cdn.wccftech.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/09/elon-musk.jpeg

      And here's one from back when he was at PayPal

      https://i1.wp.com/nypost.com/wp-content/uploads/sites/2/2018/07/180724-paypal-mafia-elon-musk-01.jpg?quality=90&strip=all&ssl=1

      I mean, there's the ugly duckling story, and then there's this. ^

    3. Orv Silver badge

      Re: "Cybertruck, Tesla's pickup model that looks like it hasn't rendered properly"

      Much like the Cybertruck, his plastic surgery really only looks good from one specific angle.

    4. Jedit Silver badge
      Joke

      "Musk looks like he hasn't rendered properly as well"

      Caesar probably agrees with you.

  4. Howard Sway Silver badge

    consider branding yourself with a Tesla Branding Iron

    I don't think it's for yourself, it's so you can turn your horse into a Cyberhorse as a backup for when your Cybertruck battery conks out.

    1. Lurko
      Unhappy

      Re: consider branding yourself with a Tesla Branding Iron

      I thought you were joking, until I had a look at the Cyber-tat store. I suppose at $70 it's good value considering that a cheap furry blanket is $140, and the toy cars are $175.

      As for the branding iron, I presume it's for Tesla owners to apply in the bedroom a la 50 shades of Musk. Ladies: Don't go out with Tesla drivers unless this really is your thing.

      1. JimboSmith Silver badge

        Re: consider branding yourself with a Tesla Branding Iron

        As for the branding iron, I presume it's for Tesla owners to apply in the bedroom a la 50 shades of Musk. Ladies: Don't go out with Tesla drivers unless this really is your thing.

        Now you've put that image in my head I can't escape the thought that with the possibility of infinite realities/universes/the multiverse someone somewhere is actually doing that.

        1. The Dogs Meevonks Silver badge

          Re: consider branding yourself with a Tesla Branding Iron

          Speaking of the multiverse... in one of them... just the one mind you... not 2... not 3... just the ONE!!!.

          Ole muskrat isn't a complete and utter narcissistic, fascist leaning, bigoted piece of shite.

          1. Martin-73 Silver badge
            Pint

            Re: consider branding yourself with a Tesla Branding Iron

            and even this i'm not sure of.. have a cheaper (and better) one

        2. Bebu Silver badge
          Windows

          Re: consider branding yourself with a Tesla Branding Iron

          the branding iron, I presume it's for Tesla owners to apply in the bedroom

          "Now you've put that image in my head I can't escape the thought that with the possibility of infinite realities/universes/the multiverse someone somewhere is actually doing that."

          I wouldn't need too long odds to wager some party or other in this universe is already engaged or soon to engage in these erotic shenanigans without needing the luxury of multiverses or an Everettian Multiworld.

          Fortunately I guess the majority of putative Tesla branding iron owners are very unlikely to be accompanied on this perverse escapade or any other.

          I have an image of some Aeon Flux* lookalike repeatedly applying the Tesla brand (circle tin tack) to the bare buttocks of an on all fours, naked Musk.

          *Thinking of the MTV animated series character.

          Looking at the actual iron I suspect it wouldn't be much use for practical branding on a ranch.

      2. MrDamage Silver badge

        Re: consider branding yourself with a Tesla Branding Iron

        > As for the branding iron, I presume it's for Tesla owners to apply in the bedroom a la 50 shades of Musk. Ladies: Don't go out with Tesla drivers unless this really is your thing.

        It's customary to brand your "cattle" on your "ranch".

        https://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/americas/elon-musk-texas-town-b2298276.html

      3. Strahd Ivarius Silver badge
        Coat

        Re: consider branding yourself with a Tesla Branding Iron

        the branding iron will be included in the next iteration of the Tesla cars, according to a leak of the source code for the heating system

  5. msknight

    The backpack looks reasonable...

    ...especially when put alongside the LTT backpack. On top of their regular backpack for $249.99 - https://www.lttstore.com/products/backpack - they now have a luxury backpack for $599.99 - https://www.lttstore.com/products/luxe-backpack

    I'll admit to springing for the regular backpack (whish I hadn't) but the Luxe version is too bonkers even for me - "All Luxe Backpacks are built to order. Estimated ship date is 6 months after your order (~April 2024). Your card will be charged in full when you place your order." - I think not.

    And... get this... "All items will ship together, so any other items in your cart will be held until your Luxe Backpack is produced & ready to ship."

    1. MrDamage Silver badge

      Re: The backpack looks reasonable...

      Until you compare it with the $80 HP backpack.

      https://www.hp.com/ca-en/shop/product.aspx?id=500S6AA&opt=&sel=ACC

  6. SonofRojBlake

    I wondered when I would first see it in the wild - late last week a Guardian columnists referred to someone "posting on X", without immediately following it with the words "formerly known as Twitter". I figured that wouldn't happen until, at the very least, links to X didn't get you to Twitter.com (they still do here in mid-October 2023).

    1. pdh

      Next milestone: someone talking about something they did in the past, saying that they posted about it on Twitter (as X used to be called).

  7. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    My immediate thought when I saw the bottles was "Shades of Fallout '76..." - Then I saw the bit about the backpacks!

    Is young Musk taking a leaf or two out of Todd Howard's book?

    Let's watch the delivery stats for confirmation... Musk's record on delivery of promises is surely as good as Todds...

  8. aerogems Silver badge
    Pint

    IANAL

    But don't you need a liquor license to sell that kind of stuff in the US? I know following the law isn't exactly one of Tesla, or Twitler's, strong points, but maybe someone should be sure to tip off the ATF. Just to add to the legal woes faced by Twitler and his business interests.

    1. Orv Silver badge

      Re: IANAL

      The rules vary a lot from state to state. I'm guessing the (licensed) brewery they're working through will be responsible for distributing it.

      1. aerogems Silver badge

        Re: IANAL

        But I can't just go down to the local liquor store, buy half their inventory, and then sell it out of my own home. Even if the spirits were made by a fully licensed operator, and the liquor store I purchased it from was fully in compliance with the law, I can't just turn around and resell it.

        1. doublelayer Silver badge

          Re: IANAL

          No, but you could probably arrange to run a store where you collect payment for their inventory and transmit the orders for them to fulfill. As long as they're distributing it, rather than you acquiring it from them and then distributing it yourself, you may be able to use their licensing. This requires that you negotiate with them to help you do it, but for a cut of ridiculous prices, they can probably help you make it happen.

        2. Orv Silver badge

          Re: IANAL

          No, but you could probably take orders and then have the liquor store drop ship them.

  9. Doctor Syntax Silver badge

    Don't even go near the Tesla brain-computer interface.

    1. aerogems Silver badge

      You don't want to become a human vegetable and slowly turn to compost?

  10. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Mum's credit card

    Mysterious charges are about to appear on mum's credit card when the Musk Militia hears about this latest masterful gambit.

  11. Binraider Silver badge

    I'll stick to proper breweries, preferably Belgian, thank you.

    Tripel Karmeliet goes down very well, or Bourgogne De Flandres

    1. RosslynDad
      Pint

      Belgian beer indeed does go down very well. I remember an enjoyable evening in Brussells sampling the local monk-produced beer (somewhere around the 13% level). Then I tried to walk. Total Inability To Stand Upright Personally. And all for a very small fraction of what the Musk Beer Emporium is charging.

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        LOL.

        That must have been Kwak beer. Was it in a vase-shaped glass with a bulb at the end in a wooden holder? That glass is designed to also ensure you inhale the vapours, and yes, it gets you from zero to definitely not suitable to walk, let alone drive in one to two glasses :).

        I believe Belgium has as many different beers as Malta has churches.

        1. Anonymous Coward
          Anonymous Coward

          Ah, the land that gives us beers with names like Kwak and Lucifer. Had them both. The serving of the Kwak really is top level piss theatrics.

    2. CrazyOldCatMan Silver badge

      Tripel Karmeliet goes down very well, or Bourgogne De Flandres

      I remember an evening spent drinking Kwak (I think that was the name - comes in a boot-shaped bottle) beer in France, near the Belgian border. We exhaused the guest houses' entire stock between the 4 of us.

      Ironically, we were all on motorbikes though none of us on a Kwak/Kawasaki

      (Two on Italian bikes, one on a Suzuki and me on a Honda Fireblade 900)

  12. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Lager?

    It's not even proper beer.

    Now gimme a pint of Hobgoblin Rugby......

    1. Inventor of the Marmite Laser Silver badge

      Re: Lager?

      Bloody predictive text. I meant Hobgoblin RUBY

      1. Lon24

        Re: Lager?

        Ruby Hobgoblin £1.59 a bottle in Lidl. Backpacks are £14.99 and count towards your bonus offers. Lidl don't do EVs sadly.

        1. SonofRojBlake

          Re: Lager?

          " Lidl don't do EVs sadly."

          Au contraire Blackadder : https://crast.net/53782/lidl-declares-war-on-xiaomi-launches-an-electric-scooter-with-22-kilometers-of-autonomy/

      2. The commentard formerly known as Mister_C Silver badge
        Pint

        Re: Lager?

        AutoCorrupt gave you a Gob hobblin'

    2. Mr Dogshit

      Re: Lager?

      Now Hobgoblin Rugby I would watch.

      1. CrazyOldCatMan Silver badge

        Re: Lager?

        Now Hobgoblin Rugby I would watch

        Blood Bowl, here we come!

        My favourite quarterback - the famous undead Bavid Deckam..

      2. NXM Silver badge

        Re: Lager?

        Hobgoblin Rugby would be one of the sports in the Paralytic Olympics where people had to compete while absolutely pissed. Especially the opening and closing events. I'd watch all of that.

  13. nautica Silver badge
    Holmes

    "When you have buggy, unstable alpha males hanging on Elon Musk's every word..."

    "...What would Orwell think of Elon Musk?..."

    You need to, at least, make the questions marginally challenging, El Reg. There's absolutely no sport at all involved in answering this one--

    He'd think the same as most of the people, who are NOT buggy, unstable alpha males, think--Elon Musk is an asshole.

    At the very least, make us have to think about how to answer your next question, El Reg...OK?

  14. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Tesla is a cult with Emperor Elon at its head

    The sooner we accept that fact the better. The cult is all in on the truck that apparently is a pig to make but his Muskness wants it so... it gets built.

    Then there is the Semi. Announced when? From memory, 2017. It was a market leader THEN.

    Since then, the likes of Volvo, Mercedes etc have gone large and are selling lots of them while Tesla is faffing around with what 50 units out in customer hands so far?

    Then they basically sell two cars, the 3 and Y mostly in Black or White. The '3' was ahead of the game in 2017 but now? What big changes other than a facelift has been done to it since? Very few.

    Would I buy even a used Tesla? Perhaps a Model S but now else. At least in Europe, we have a lot of choice and IMHO anyone buying a Model 3 or Y right now are buying the name and the cult.

    Downvote this all you like but I'll continue to enjoy my iX3. 0-60 times are not everything on this side of the Pond.

    PS

    We are just lucky that Elon can't be POTUS. Can you imagine him as Trump Mk2?

  15. sarusa Silver badge
    Pirate

    'alpha'

    I sure hope that bit about 'alpha males' was ironic (the 'buggy, unstable' is correct), because any guys slavishly lapping up everything Elmo does or says, while on their knees, are hardly 'alpha'. I hate the term and the a-holes who use it unironically, but I think this is beyond any interpretation of it.

    'buggy, unstable, bootlicking, wannabe alpha males'?

    1. aerogems Silver badge

      Re: 'alpha'

      They like to think they're alphas. Which is part of what makes them so insufferable.

      1. Strahd Ivarius Silver badge
        Trollface

        Re: 'alpha'

        Since we are on an IT related web site, remember that everything Alpha is anyway buggy, with missing features, and not fit for general consumption

    2. renniks

      Re: 'alpha'

      Musk isn't even a beta male

      I too depise the whole 'alpha male' thing. Such a Yank term

  16. steelpillow Silver badge
    Joke

    Tesla Coil

    Something for the weekend, Sir? A prophylactic for the girl who has everything, perhaps?

    There are two models: 10 kV and, for that very special night in, 100 kV.

  17. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    How long until Musk takes over another twitter handle?

    https://twitter.com/Cyber_beer

    How long does the Cyber Beers Review page have left?

    Can't leave around any evidence that Elon wasn't the first person to think up an idea.

    (Although kinda surprised that he didn't use the more obvious name "Cybeer" and then try to bully the makers of the cider/beer combo - after all, Musk clearly has more rights to use the name, it isn't a proper contraction of cider+beer...)

  18. Winkypop Silver badge
    Windows

    NFT lager

    I can’t imagine the faithful Musk-acolytes actually drinking the stuff.

    That would be sacrilegious. Surely.

  19. Manolo
    Mushroom

    How about the flame thrower?

    Didn't he once sell a flame thrower?

    Or was that not Tesla branded and/or not in this store?

    1. GruntyMcPugh

      Re: How about the flame thrower?

      The Flame thrower was a Boring Company product iirc. The same Boring company that was going to make bricks from the dirt it mined out of tunnels, sell them, and become financially self supporting. I understand the planned tunnel from Ontario International Airport they were supposed to dig never happened, as costs spiralled from $45M to ~$500M, at which point, they bailed. At least folks that ordered the weed burners got one.

  20. Ken G Silver badge

    Self drink-driving cars

    It might be worth it if they came from a tap on the dashboard so you can take full advantage of self driving technology.

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