back to article FEMA to test emergency alert system US-wide today

A short time from now America's Federal Emergency Management Agency, or FEMA, will kick off a nation-wide test of its emergency alert system (EAS), so don't be surprised if your cellphone or TV starts buzzing at 1420 ET (1120 PT).  Do be surprised, however, if those around you begin transforming into mindless zombies from 5G …

  1. Excused Boots Bronze badge

    Now from my perspective, sitting in a pub (bar) in the suburbs of London, there is just (right now) 54 minutes before the apparent zombie apocalypse happens! Could anyone on the left side of the pond, who survives this please post in an hour or so, just to show what a load of abject BS this is? Unless of course you are fleeing a horde of zombies, in which case it is perfectly understandable why your post might be delayed somewhat!

    1. katrinab Silver badge
      Black Helicopters

      We had our test a few months back. Phones connected to the Three network didn't get the alert.

      1. Boris the Cockroach Silver badge
        Mushroom

        Yupp , I nearly got vapourised by the incoming russian nukes because I never got the warning.

        Still ... an effiecent way of reducing the population by 20% before the war even started

        Whaddya mean those nukes never arrived? and whos bunker have I been living in for the past 6 months?

        1. jake Silver badge

          Zombie here, in N. California.

          Clearly the test worked, my fingers are falling off as I type.

          Looking forward to the tens of thousands of disease-ridden sheeple descending on the local hospital. I'm hungry, and the picking should be easy.

          Lest anyone not understand, the above is sarcasm, and laughing at the conspiracy whack jobs.

          1. Anonymous Coward
            Anonymous Coward

            Re: Zombie here, in N. California.

            I am a conspiracy whack job and I am insulted by your post

            1. jake Silver badge

              Re: Zombie here, in N. California.

              Pobrecito.

    2. doublelayer Silver badge

      We were considering using this alert to trigger the secret mind control chips we installed, but we decided not to because they've been acting up. Some of the chips appear to have caused some glitches and made people start saying that they got them in vaccinations, but in reality we already implanted them years before and we've just been waiting until the communication systems were good enough to fully make use of them. At least the screaming about vaccines cleverly hides where the chips really came from, but it's still not great if our mind control conspiracy results in lunatics instead of pliable slaves. Also, we decided to broadcast an activation signal with the firmware update that fixes this in a way that doesn't cause phones to start shrieking. I don't know who decided that people should get a warning when the control starts up, but give us some credit, we shut that idea down fast. We're competent evil overlords, after all.

      To any sarcasm-deficient readers, this was all completely true; I really do have mind control chips in everybody, vaccinated or not. Don't make me use it. Insert evil laughter here.

      To any non-sarcasm-deficient readers, let's all do this. It gets boring having to state the obvious.

      1. David 132 Silver badge
        Happy

        The best comment on this I saw was on Reddit, and was along the lines of “several of my cow-orkers believe the vaccine conspiracy theories, so when the alert goes off, I’m going to clutch in pain at my arm, fall to the floor, then stand straight up and in a blank robotic monotone, praise Joe Biden.”

  2. mostly average
    Joke

    Every fule kno

    it's not the shot that has the mind control chips, it's the COVID test they shove waaaay up your nose, directly into your brains. That should be obvious! (See icon)

    1. Yet Another Anonymous coward Silver badge

      Re: Every fule kno

      That's only the Bill Gates mind control chip.

      You should see where Oracle stick the Larry Ellison one

  3. Randesigner

    Can't turn it off

    In spite of turning off all government alerts on my iPhone, the test still came through loud and clear.

    1. PRR Silver badge
      Devil

      Re: Can't turn it off

      The alert came through 2 minutes early. (Maybe before some safety-phones were fully hidden from abusers?) --- oh, OK, this was "approximately 2:20 p.m."

      > In spite of turning off all government alerts on my iPhone, the test still came through loud and clear.

      The fact that there was no setting to 100% disable this alert was knowable (and known) before.

      https://www.snopes.com/fact-check/hidden-phones-national-emergency-alert-test/

      Gonna log-off now, got a sudden hunger for brains brain brains

      1. jake Silver badge

        Re: Can't turn it off

        "The fact that there was no setting to 100% disable this alert was knowable (and known) before."

        My second phone, which usually lives in the Peterbilt, was turned off, but battery fully charged and installed. It did not alert me. I assume I'll have a message waiting for me next time it gets turned on. The house land-line has not made a peep, nor have the various business phones.

        Cells are Verizon, house & businesses are AT&T.

      2. CrazyOldCatMan Silver badge

        Re: Can't turn it off

        got a sudden hunger for brains brain brains

        If you are in Washington D.C. you might have to work hard to find food..

        1. jake Silver badge

          Re: Can't turn it off

          "If you are in any Capital City in the World, you might have to work hard to find food.."

          FTFY

    2. DS999 Silver badge

      Re: Can't turn it off

      It is against the law for it to be something you can disable. Similar to how TVs (when tuned to an OTA channel) and cable set tops aren't permitted to turn off weather alerts.

      1. jake Silver badge

        Re: Can't turn it off

        Thankfully I own the on/off switch.

        And the wall socket and plug.

    3. stiine Silver badge

      Re: Can't turn it off

      Nope, not without reflashing your phone.

    4. TheRealRoland
      Thumb Up

      Re: Can't turn it off

      Weird - i had the sound all the way down, the message showed on the phone, but other than that, meh? Bigger things to worry about than 'the government putting messages on my phone'.

  4. jake Silver badge

    My only question is WHY?

    What the fuck major disaster could possibly occur which would require a national broadcast to EVERYTHING?

    This place is kinda large ... some 340 million people spread out over 3.8 million square miles (9.2km²).

    Even an all-out attack from one of the other nuclear powers, or an Everest sized asteroid about to hit Earth head-on wouldn't require such a hair-brained broadcast. I mean, seriously, why bother freaking out the sheep for the last few minutes of their lives? Makes no sense.

    "We have to be seen doing something! This is something, so obviously we must do it!" ... it's just fucking useless politicians wasting money as always.

    1. doublelayer Silver badge

      Re: My only question is WHY?

      The only logical thing is a nuclear strike, where an announcement as soon as the attack is predicted, which is still a matter of minutes, would allow some people to get to a safer location. Of course, a lot of those would not actually go there and would start panicking, but that's theoretically a benefit. However, this national test isn't that different from testing in multiple regions one after another. A smaller region getting a local emergency report covers more situations, and if they're testing it, they could just do it all at once.

      1. katrinab Silver badge
        Meh

        Re: My only question is WHY?

        When they dropped nukes on the Nevada desert, anyone living in an inhabited area who wasn't manufacturing photographic film was mostly fine, at least in the immediate aftermath.

        I am less certain that nobody suffered long-term effects, but an alert system isn't going to make any difference to that.

        1. David 132 Silver badge
          Boffin

          Re: My only question is WHY?

          > When they dropped nukes on the Nevada desert, anyone living in an inhabited area who wasn't manufacturing photographic film was mostly fine

          Also anyone hiding in a fridge.

        2. jake Silver badge

          Re: My only question is WHY?

          "When they dropped nukes on the Nevada desert"

          There weren't a lot of nukes dropped on the Nevada desert. None, to be precise. All were buried, on tethered balloons, or on towers. One was a missile fired at altitude, and designed specifically not to directly affect the ground.

          Yes, there were long term after effects due to fallout from the testing.

        3. doublelayer Silver badge

          Re: My only question is WHY?

          When they tested nukes, they were kind of hoping for that, which is why they did it in the desert or islands that weren't quite far enough away from islands on which other people were living. If someone fired nukes, they would be hoping for the opposite and would design for that, which is where an alert would have a greater benefit.

          1. katrinab Silver badge

            Re: My only question is WHY?

            My point is:

            If they drop a nuke on Manhattan, then yes, lots of people in New York will have a very bad day. But people in for example Boston or Philadelphia will notice it in much the same way that they found out about 9/11, not from explosion noises or rubble falling around them or things like that. Or maybe their internet won't work if it is routed though New York, and they will notice something wrong but not know immediately what it is.

            1. doublelayer Silver badge

              Re: My only question is WHY?

              True, but if someone fires a nuke at Manhattan, they probably don't plan to stop with that one. People in other cities might want to get to somewhere safe just in case another one is heading for, well not them because that's probably too late, but someone kind of near them. In an incoming attack, most people will be unable to figure out exactly where each weapon is designed to detonate, and even if they do all the calculations to get that data, there's little benefit in trying to quickly separate messages for each target rather than telling everyone that you might want to be in a safe place right now and if no nuke shows up near you in the next couple hours, that's great. If we get a full-scale nuclear war, the nukes won't be fired one by one. Tactical nuclear attack is a different story and would require different early warning systems. Let's just agree not to do either.

              1. jake Silver badge

                Re: My only question is WHY?

                Relax. Nobody's going to waste a nuke on Manhattan. There is absolutely nothing of strategic importance there.

                The Corporate and Financial ties could be broken with a dozen or so conventional bombs taking out bridges & fiber, should that be deemed necessary.

    2. Dan 55 Silver badge

      Re: My only question is WHY?

      What the fuck major disaster could possibly occur which would require a national broadcast to EVERYTHING?

      In case of in case of alien invasion, Will Smith would have got out of bed and kicked alien butt earlier if he had a phone with emergency alerts.

    3. DS999 Silver badge

      Re: My only question is WHY?

      It is an outgrowth of EAS, which was originally created for national defense warnings like the USSR launching nukes, has been used on broadcast TV for decades to send out weather alerts, and was later expanded to cable TV set tops.

      If everyone had carried something with them that could have been alerted in the 50s or 60s when they first had the idea for EAS it would be something we're used to by now. I agree it is rather silly to warn us a nuclear strike, it isn't like there is time to get away or if the attack is big enough that there would be anywhere to get away to. But this was an idea from the "duck and cover" days!

      I hope there are good controls on it so a president doesn't have unilateral power to decide when it is used. Imagine if Trump had sent out a message on Jan. 6 declaring a national emergency and calling on citizens everywhere to show up with guns to take over their state and local governments based on the big lie of voting fraud? I'm sure Trump supporters can imagine equally dire scenarios where Biden misuses the power.

      I have to think it is possible to limit it geographically which could have its uses, but I don't see any realistic scenario where you'd need to send a message to the entire US.

      1. jake Silver badge

        Re: My only question is WHY?

        Yes, I know where it is from. That was daft, too. Sending more good money after bad is not sound fiscal policy.

        Yes, it can be limited by geography, area code, zipcode, state & etc.

      2. doublelayer Silver badge

        Re: My only question is WHY?

        "I agree it is rather silly to warn us a nuclear strike, it isn't like there is time to get away or if the attack is big enough that there would be anywhere to get away to. But this was an idea from the "duck and cover" days!"

        It's not that silly. If a nuclear weapon detonates close to you, nothing you can do will save you from it. However, even in a large nuclear war, there are lots of places where nuclear weapons are not going to be targeted, leaving people to deal with the consequences of weapons that went off far enough away that they aren't vaporized but close enough that they still have immediate problems from it. Those people can, in fact, get into a sheltered location where it is less likely that they will suffer the most dangerous effects the weapon has at the outer range of its effectiveness. Once they're there, they can also be alerted to stay inside for a while to let the initial levels of radiation decay. If they're unlucky and most of them would be, they're probably still going to take more radiation than we'd prefer when they leave, but if they went out immediately, they'd take an order of magnitude more. That's a lot of people who could theoretically be much better off if they have a few minutes of warning. Of course, it relies on people having somewhere to go when the warning sounds and being in the right frame of mind to go there rather than scream or try to go outside to find someone else, but that's on the citizens.

        1. jake Silver badge

          Re: My only question is WHY?

          Growing up as I did, in South Palo Alto during the Cold War, I wasn't afraid of The Bomb ... Living about 4 miles from Moffett Field, I knew that we probably wouldn't even survive long enough to register the flash ... As my Dad put it,"We won't even need to worry about fallout because we'll be the fallout".

          So basically, when humans finally are stupid enough to launch another[0] nuclear war (and people being people, it's probably inevitable), the trick is to move to one of two places iwell in advance: The back of beyond, or Ground Zero. In the first, hopefully you've found a place where the Jet Stream & miscellaneous eddy currents will conspire to keep the fallout away from your "victory" garden[1]. In the second, you are the fallout, and won't give a shit.

          Frankly, I'm more worried about a large earthquake hitting us.

          [0] Yes, another one. The first was rather one-sided, but it existed nonetheless.

          [1] Some victory ...

        2. Malcolm Weir
          Mushroom

          Re: My only question is WHY?

          Yup, and for example in mountain ranges there are lots of "shadows" that will provide shelter.

          Unfortunately, I'm sitting less than 20km from _that_ mountain.

          Oh, well.

          1. CrazyOldCatMan Silver badge

            Re: My only question is WHY?

            Unfortunately, I'm sitting less than 20km from _that_ mountain

            I'm in north Wiltshire - with a big Army camp about 20km to the south and RAF Fairford about 20km to the north (and MOD Lyneham about 6km away)...

          2. DS999 Silver badge
            Trollface

            Re: My only question is WHY?

            If you have enough time before the missiles arrive go there and knock on that big door and ask to use the Stargate to go to another planet. Can't hurt to try!

        3. CrazyOldCatMan Silver badge

          Re: My only question is WHY?

          leaving people to deal with the consequences of weapons that went off far enough away

          If you ever want to get thoroughly depressed, read Neville Shute's book "On the beach". Set in the aftermath of a full-scale nuclear war as people in Australia her the foreign radio stations shut down one by one as the radiation comes closer and closer.

          It's a book where it's futile to expect a happy ending.

    4. Joe 59

      Re: My only question is WHY?

      If there is a threat of imminent war, either via ICBM, bombers, land invasion or other means, the alert goes out giving the citizens a few minutes' warning and instructions, that's enough time to save millions of lives. If it's an inbound missile threat, if you are miles from a fireball, or in direct line of sight of the fireball, or can make it to shelter fast enough if you are closer, there's a good chance you can survive without injury.

      Obviously, that's not what it has been used for, so far, this system has been used tens of thousands of times since the start of the first one, alerting on everything from wildfire, flood and earthquake warnings to riot/civil unrest and other events. It's an indispensable part of any nation's communication system.

      You place little value in it, but millions of other people do, and if an emergency ever does strike your area, you will benefit from the advanced notice no matter your opinion of the system.

      1. jake Silver badge

        Re: My only question is WHY?

        I believe a more realistic version would be something like "the alert goes out giving the citizens a few minutes' warning so they can bend over and kiss their ass goodbye ... or possibly enough time to panic and have a heart attack or stroke (at least the bad guys won't get 'em!)."

        But time to possibly survive? From a cold stop? No fucking way. That would be about 5 minutes from sub-launched weapons[0]. Regardless of which "side" of the war you are on.

        Note that I place a value on limited, geographically specific warnings from local, state and federal agencies. But a nation-wide warning? That is completely useless. There is absolutely nothing that would warrant such a broadcast. It is a useless concept, and does nothing but waste taxpayer money to feed politician's egos.

        As for the "millions that do", consider that millions voted for Trump. People are easily led astray.

        [0] Most experts agree that SLBMs are roughly 10 minutes away from striking their targets. It would take at least half that to detect the threat, and then decide what to do, and then act upon it.

  5. JimboSmith

    On a bus after the second lockdown and there were two ladies, (if you think of the Les Dawson 'Cissie and Ada' you're not far off) who are having a natter. One of them starts talking about the microchips in the vaccines (which they have not had) and the other nodding or making appropriate supportive noises. I turned round for they were directly behind me and said I don't normally interrupt other people's conversations but in this case I feel I must. How big do you think these microchips are that they fit down a hypodermic syringe? So one of them Googles a hypodermic syringe and discovers they are under half a millimeter thick. As I pointed out that's the width of the entire needle and not the inner bit where these microchips are supposed to be flowing into the body.

    I then asked how microscopic microchips were supposed to be powered, or do they have a battery onboard, which would increase the size still further? By now Cissie has clearly heard enough and says that it's all bunkum, Ada is still clinging to a shred of belief in the conspiracy. So I ask how a microchip is supposed to affect human behaviour the technology for which was still very much in the infancy stages if not the embryonic. Ada says that her very reliable friend told her it was true and now she realises that this friend might not be so reliable after all.

    1. David 132 Silver badge
      Joke

      Good, Good. Keep stamping on the Truth wherever it leaks out. You have done well, agent #467-••¥z.

      Signed,

      The Secret Gay Jewish Nazi Lizard Illuminati Freemasons.

      (icon shouldn’t be necessary, but some people...)

      1. Yet Another Anonymous coward Silver badge

        >The Secret Gay Jewish Nazi Lizard Illuminati Freemasons.

        splitters !

        1. David 132 Silver badge
          Happy

          No no, you’re thinking of the Secret Gay Jewish Nazi Lizard Freemason Illuminati.

          They’re just a bunch of wannabe poseurs who couldn’t organize a One World Government in a brewery.

          1. jake Silver badge

            That's the "Secret Black Hispanic Gay Jewish Nazi Lizard Freemason Illuminati Alien Nuclear Whales", get it right.

            1. Anonymous Coward
              Anonymous Coward

              I thought we were the Secret Black Hispanic Gay Jewish Nazi Lizard Freemason Illuminati Alien Nuclear Whales?

              1. David 132 Silver badge
                Happy

                …“A Certified ‘B’ Corporation, LLC”

              2. Boris the Cockroach Silver badge
                Black Helicopters

                Thats what we Anunnaki want you to think,

                After all we really control the world and groups such as the Secret Black Hispanic Gay Jewish Nazi Lizard Freemason Illuminati Alien Nuclear Whales are merely a way for us to control the population.

  6. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    No 5G initiated Zombie Apocalypse...?

    So the conspiracy wackos will now admit this was bullshit and undertake to stop polluting the interwebs with their fucking nonsense?

    1. David 132 Silver badge
      Meh

      Re: No 5G initiated Zombie Apocalypse...?

      Yes, that’s totally how it works. When their fever-dream conspiracy theories are shown to be wrong they are well-known for humbly apologizing and keeping a very low profile from then on.

      Nurse! My pills!

      1. Yet Another Anonymous coward Silver badge

        Re: No 5G initiated Zombie Apocalypse...?

        We can't even get 5G zombies here. We're lucky if we get 3G zombies most of the time. It's pathetic watching them stumble along, mumble Brai...... and then freeze

        1. David 132 Silver badge
          Coat

          Re: No 5G initiated Zombie Apocalypse...?

          We have dial-up zombies here in the wilds of Oregon. They don't mumble, they make a blood-curdling screeching sound... and then briefly emit link negotiation noises.

          At least, I think so. It's all a bit of a Hayes to be honest.

          1. jake Silver badge

            Re: No 5G initiated Zombie Apocalypse...?

            My fiends the AJs agree with this poast!

    2. Someone Else Silver badge

      Re: No 5G initiated Zombie Apocalypse...?

      So the conspiracy wackos will now admit this was bullshit and undertake to stop polluting the interwebs with their fucking nonsense?

      No.

      Next Question?

  7. stiine Silver badge
    Facepalm

    yay.....

    I was able to delete it without reading more than the last word, wihch I've already forgotten, in that absolutely useless block of text.

  8. mikus

    Ours were in Spanish, apparently Arizona has been officially annexed into Mexico.

    1. Malcolm Weir

      We got one of each.

  9. MatthewSt Silver badge

    Cover up...

    When we asked FEMA for comment on the matter its response was succinct: "The posts you're citing are false," the agency told us.

    I know obviously you have to ask, but

    A) If it was a cover up would they turn round and say "yeah you got us, prepare for brainwashing"

    B) How many people would lose their excrement if the person responding had a sense of humour and replied "yeah you got us, prepare for brainwashing"

  10. Kev99 Silver badge

    They did? Huh, fancy that. I didn't hear anything. Maybe because I'm not slaved to that brick.

  11. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Sleeper agents awake!

    Covidiots beware!

    Trump, trump, trump….

  12. SundogUK Silver badge

    The conspiracy theorists are funny but linking to Rolling Stone magazine to debunk them is funnier.

    1. jake Silver badge

      It might be surprising to those not in the know, but Rolling Stone magazine has been the home of some pretty serious journalism over the years.

  13. Neil Barnes Silver badge
    Facepalm

    Just to be clear: this is all nonsense.

    My favourite Covid nonsense quote: Isn't it amazing how they've managed to make the virus so it only infects people who _haven't_ been vaccinated...

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