Okay, SMART ePANTS, you tell us how to create network-connected textiles

The US government is investing in network-connected garments through a program called – we kid you not – SMART ePANTS. Last month, the Intelligence Advanced Research Projects Activity (IARPA), which handles research and development for Uncle Sam's Office of the Director of National Intelligence, announced the launch of a …

[b0llchit]

RFD (Request for Development)

...create active smart textiles that can keep soldiers, [...] safe "by sensing, processing and communicating information on individuals' location and physical surroundings (audio and video recording)."

Your goal is to create an RF targeting guided bullet

• fired from a sub-20mm gun
• withstanding high barrel exit velocity and firing acceleration
• flight path trajectory adjustment based on finding specific RF emissions to be programmed at firing time
• effective range at least 500m
• optional: visual inspection of target
• optional: AI automation of entire process
• mandatory: lethal for designated enemies

[Dizzy Dwarf]

Re: RFD (Request for Development)

Drokk, I think you've invented the Lawgiver. "Heatseeker!".

[Anonymous Coward]

Re: RFD (Request for Development)

"mandatory: lethal" um no, disabling is more effective: a disabled soldier uses more resources than a dead one.

I hate that we live in a world where people have thought about this.

[Paul Crawford]

Lets face it, if this is ever developed for military reasons they will find far, FAR, more money in the teledildonics market shortly afterwards. Sensing and haptic-feedback lingerie is going to be flying off the shelves.

Probably on its own...

[spold]

Keep in mind....

...that in the US pants mean trousers, not you trolleys. Sounds a bit one sided as well - where are your eKnickers? (OK on the bedpost).

[Howard Sway]

singular micro yarn textile routing platform with unmatched low-power electronics

Will it support multi-threading?

[Korev]

Re: singular micro yarn textile routing platform with unmatched low-power electronics

What does the network fabric look like?

[Anonymous Coward]

Re: singular micro yarn textile routing platform with unmatched low-power electronics

Mesh, obviously :)

[MachDiamond]

Re: singular micro yarn textile routing platform with unmatched low-power electronics

"Mesh, obviously :)"

Low-rise, Bikini?

[Mike 137]

Perfect for snipers then

"sensing, processing and communicating information on individuals' location and physical surroundings"

I can think of many circumstances in combat where expressly not communicating your location and surroundings could be the only way to stay effective, or indeed alive.

However even disregarding that (e.g. by assuming provision of a textile 'off' switch) this proposal doesn't seem to offer any fundamental advantages over current equipment. But maybe it's just a "we can so we will" or grant capture venture. And I suppose you might take your 'pants' off and use them as a decoy.

[Blofeld's Cat]

Er ...

>Whoosh!< >BANG!<

Squaddie 1: "That was close - you OK?"

Squaddie 2: "Yes I'm g..."

Suit: "Unexpected item in the baggies area"

[HMcG]

… communicating information on individuals' location

With all the associated EMF emissions, that’s mostly going to be the wearer’s location, to the enemy.

[chivo243]

That looks like

SmartBoards! AArrrrgh!

[crg the new one]

Airplane mode?

So, if I want to go offline, what, should I pull down my ePANTS?

"Caught with his pants down" gets a completely new meaning.

[John Brown (no body)]

The Dutch will be first, of course

CLEVER eCLOGs will beat SMART ePANTs to the [military] market. A much more robust substrate and exiting tech can easily be fitted into hollowed sections. Maybe IARPA ought to look into SMART eBOOTs before aiming for SMART ePANTS? Are they too big for their eBOOTS?

[Anonymous Coward]

Re: The Dutch will be first, of course

"SMART eBOOTs"

BOOTe, shurely

[Ken Moorhouse]

Microsoft will love this

Patches can be done at any time.

[Ken Moorhouse]

Introducing... The Special Weapons and Tactics CH Team

Hmm, they're going to have to come up with meanings for the CH.

C'mon commentards, I'm sure you can give the military a hand with some ideas.

One of these for the best entry-- >

[Ken Moorhouse]

What happens when you get an application hang?

Items should be dry-cleaned, not washed and put on the clothes line. However, each garment will have buttons labelled Ctrl, alt and Delete.

[MachDiamond]

A solution looking for a problem

Or as Dr. Malcom would have said, "Just because you can, doesn't mean you should".

When I was a teenager many moons ago a pair of Levis jeans would last years of hard wear and weren't too expensive. Now they are way too expensive, seem to last no time at all and are made in sweatshops located in third world countries instead of the US. They do have loads more tags sewn on the inside that need to be clipped out.

There might be niche applications for doctor monitored health reasons. Spacesuits, firefighter turn-outs and some other specialty wear could be good targets. It might even be that sensors could pick up on signs that a seizure is imminent and could warn the wearer or their care-giver. For day-to-day wear made to a price it will last a couple of time through the wash or need to be specially cleaned at a much greater cost.

I'm already looking at making more of my own clothes. It takes time and isn't less expensive, but I can make things fitted to me out of much higher quality materials so they'll last a long time. I've found a couple of good YT channels where the vlogger finds quality clothing at thrift stores and shows how to mend and alter them. The Aspiring Gent found a nice wool suit for $20 and tailored it to fit like something costing closer to $1,000 (I have a thousand dollar suit and it IS very nice, but I can't justify more of the same). Adding electronics seems like a good way to limit the lifetime of a garment and cause other issues. Trying to alter something with wires running through could be quite a chore.

[Anonymous Coward]

Re: A solution looking for a problem

You KNOW the first thing the user/wearer will do is to sign into PornHub...

VR could take on a whole new dimension!

[MachDiamond]

Re: A solution looking for a problem

"VR could take on a whole new dimension!"

Ready Player One

[Wellyboot]

Bagman!

Mix with a little machine learning and it looks like Bagman from Rogue Trooper will be with us soon.

[Evil Auditor]

SMART ePANTS - did they run a public contest to name their program, you know, like the Natural Environment Research Council once did with #NameOurShip?

[Alumoi]

How do you pronounce it? As in s smɑː.ti.pænts?

[jmch]

I still can't decide if the naming is utterly dumb or absolute genius...

[Anonymous Coward]

phone home from their clothes

Houston, we need fresh diapers!

[Anonymous Coward]

Australia deployed the perfect countermeasure to this back in 1998: Pauline Pantsdown!

p.s. I don't like it ;-)

[Big_Boomer]

AI-AI-AIO

AI Jeans to AI Washing Machine - "Hey buddy, go easy on the spin cycle. I'll get all creased an' stuff dude!"

AI Washing Machine - "I thought you denim types were rufty-tufty and hard wearing, ya big wuss!"

AI Jeans - "But I am expensive, designer jeans so I am delicate and should be treated gently"

AI Washing Machine - "Yeah, OK. Keep your pants on!" (Sets spin cycle to 2500rpm)

[MachDiamond]

Re: AI-AI-AIO

AI Washing Machine to user: A subscription to wash this brand/type of clothing has expired. Please log on to Fleeceme.crime or use our award winning app to renew your subscription.

[M.V. Lipvig]

Gonna say pass

I don't want to be seen walking around in public speaking to my crotch, nor do I want to be seen walking around in public with my crotch answering. And don't get me started on the dating scene, where my pants have a better pickup line than I do.