back to article Grant Shapps named UK defense supremo in latest 'tech-savvy' Tory tale

British politician Grant Shapps, who once told The Register that an incoming* Tory government would be the "most tech-savvy in history," has been appointed as the UK's new defense chief. Shapps took to Xitter to say of his new job: "I'm honoured to be appointed as Defence Secretary by Rishi Sunak. I'd like to pay tribute to …

  1. xyz Silver badge

    Xitter...

    You can if you want, pronounce that as Shitter in Català.

    Tech savvy gov... knowing how to plug the telly in.

    1. Doctor Syntax Silver badge

      Re: Xitter...

      The preferred term for posting there is Xcrete.

      1. that one in the corner Silver badge

        Re: Xitter...

        *Your* preferred term may be Xcrete.

        *I* shall continue to promote usage such as "popping a Xit"[1].

        I propose this can make for more lively reading, as you can ring the changes, e.g. "he squeezed out a Xit", "her Xits became more inflamed as the argue raged".

        [1] pronounced with a zed, you recall.

        1. Kristian Walsh

          Re: Xitter...

          I read all of that in the aforementioned Catalan pronunciation of X (so, /'ʃɪtər/ and /'ʃɪt/), and it still works, with “squeezed out a ~” actually gaining something in the process, I feel.

    2. TRT Silver badge

      Re: Xitter...

      I see it as Chi - itter. As in Chitter-chatter.

      Which doesn't deny the fact it IS shitter.

  2. abend0c4 Silver badge

    Also with an IT angle of a sort...

    ... there was also that weird stuff with Wikipedia.

  3. Doctor Syntax Silver badge

    "most tech-savvy in history,"

    A low bar if ever there was one.

  4. Roj Blake Silver badge

    "We will enable the release of government datasets"

    This is one policy the Tories have succeeded in enacting, if the recent police database breaches are anything to go by.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: "We will enable the release of government datasets"

      And the electoral registers.

      1. Mooseman

        Re: "We will enable the release of government datasets"

        "And the electoral registers."

        Those are put for sale.

  5. cyberdemon Silver badge
    Facepalm

    We're doomed

    They put Shapps in charge of the railways.. Now look at the state of HS2

    Then they put him in charge of Energy markets, and look what happened to that..

    Now who better to be in charge of Defence while the prospect of WWIII looms over us..

    One thing is guaranteed: He'll line his own pockets before it all goes to Hell

    1. Mishak Silver badge

      Do you think he'll soon be in charge of their election campaign?

      1. cyberdemon Silver badge
        Coffee/keyboard

        If i thought there was any likelihood that they could win the next election then I hope they make him leader, to eliminate that possibility.

        Sadly though he would still do a lot of damage as leader of the opposition

        1. Anonymous Coward
          Anonymous Coward

          Why add "as leader of the opposition"? Damage is the only thing this braindead fuckup of an areshole can do.

        2. Ken Hagan Gold badge

          If they screw up the election as badly as they've screwed up government, they won't be the official opposition.

      2. Vometia has insomnia. Again.

        Wasn't he the one who did the awful "more pennies for beer and bingo, because we know what working class people want" shtick? I suppose at least he didn't go full Cameron and try to rebrand them as "hardworking class".

    2. TRT Silver badge

      Re: We're doomed

      We're doomed, Captain Mainwaring. Doomed.

  6. Roger Kynaston

    Not a popular appointment

    Even on the Fail the comments were that he was useless. Will he raise a glass of schnapps to whatever fuck up he oversees?

    1. Primus Secundus Tertius

      Re: Not a popular appointment

      I have heard him speak at Tory party functions. I despair whenever I see him appointed to any government post, or indeed to anything else.

    2. Jedit Silver badge
      Joke

      "Will he raise a glass of schnapps to whatever fuck up he oversees?"

      Probably not. He can't get it for free, because they abolished that scheme. No grant schnapps any more.

  7. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Before the "necessary hashtags," there was the open source iPhone... When will they learn. Literally.

  8. Throatwarbler Mangrove Silver badge
    WTF?

    Question

    For those of us across the pond, how does someone like this keep getting appointed to high office, if his fuckups are so consistent and obvious?

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Question

      Throatwarbler Mangrove,

      You are asking the question that *all* sentient non-tory voters have been asking for years about *most* of the Tory Govt.

      I can only assume, as the old adage goes, that he knows where the 'bodies are buried' !!!

      I expect that Putin will be very happy !!!

      The chances of WWIII are slightly higher BUT with Shapps so is the chance that we will have another war with France !!!

      :)

      1. Fruit and Nutcase Silver badge
        Mushroom

        Re: Question

        The chances of WWIII are slightly higher BUT

        Would be a certainty if he decided to bring Liz Truss in from the cold and ofered her the job. At the very least, we'd have been able to put some money on Truss v Lettuce II

        icon - > Bombs away!

        1. R Soul Silver badge

          Re: Question

          The bookies wouldn't take bets on Truss v Lettuce because the lettuce is guaranteed to win. And. That. Is. A. Disgrace.

      2. SundogUK Silver badge

        Re: Question

        Two words: Diane Abbott

        1. Roj Blake Silver badge

          Re: Question

          You mean the Diane Abbott who as a working-class black woman got into Cambridge in the early 70s, but who on one occasion got a number wrong while on the verge of a diabetic coma?

          That Diane Abbott?

          1. Mooseman

            Re: Question

            "That Diane Abbott?"

            Not to be confused with Priti Patel who made an equally silly gaffe talking about police numbers, but that seems to have been OK.

            However, Abbott has self-terminated her own political career now, unless saint Jeremy is somehow made leader again.

        2. R Soul Silver badge

          Re: Question

          Three words: Jacob Rees-Mogg

          Four words: Epic fuckup Liz Truss

          Five words: Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson

          1. Anonymous Coward
            Anonymous Coward

            Re: Question

            Oh my, can you imagine Moggie as defence sec? We'd be putting the Brown Bess back into production and replacing the camo with redcoats.

            Perhaps I should not give them ideas.

        3. wolfetone Silver badge

          @SundogUK

          It always raises a smile that a particular type of person from a particular section of society always points her out as someone who's a joke. Why? Well, other than the obvious reasons as to why she'd be used as a figure of fun, she got numbers wrong on how many police the UK had at the time.

          Over the course of the same period of time, then Chancellor Phillip Hammond couldn't actually give the figures of how much money HS2 was going to cost or had cost at the time. No one bats an eyelid.

          This week alone, Suella Braverman stated quite happily that we currently have the highest ratio of police to public in history - when in actual fact the figure is less. On the back of 20,000 police jobs being cut by this government and the number of recruits falling. No one bats an eyelid.

          These are just two examples of how dog shit numeracy is in the Tory party. Yet it's always the whole "Diane Abbott" that gets attention, when the party who apparently prides itself on being good with numbers can't count the fucking fingers on their own hands.

          But no, do go on about Diane Abbott!

          1. Anonymous Coward
            Anonymous Coward

            Re: @SundogUK

            Those that have their hands on the wheel and screw up have less excuse than those in opposition, but there isn't a die hard Tory in the land that won't roll out complaints about Diane Abbott.

            One should never let the facts get in the way of a useful political soundbite. Page one of every political parties handbook.

            Allow me to present exhibit A in the form of Liz Truss. As far as I can tell, she was (and possibly still is) hell bent on sending the pound the way of the Drachma so long as she and her rich benefactors were OK. It is fortunate the markets reacted the way they did and disposed of that piece of filth occupying a post they had no business being anywhere near.

            House of Commons, indeed. Cromwell would be appalled.

          2. Jedit Silver badge

            "it's always the whole "Diane Abbott" that gets attention"

            Your regular reminder: whenever the right goes on the attack, it's always projection.

        4. Fruit and Nutcase Silver badge

          Re: Question

          Two words: Diane Abbott

          Ooh, Jeremy!

        5. TRT Silver badge

          Re: Question

          Excuse me... that's 37 words.

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Question

      Oh Throatwarbler, you sweet summer child

    3. katrinab Silver badge
      Alert

      Re: Question

      Because the Tory talent pool is very shallow.

      Ben Wallace was the only actually competent member of the government. He said he wanted to stand down at the next reshuffle, and there is nobody else who is competent to replace him.

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: Question

        what about Penny?

        1. desht

          Re: Question

          Is that the Penny who lied about Turkey during the Brexit campaign in 2016, and doubled down on those lies last year? https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/62185058

        2. katrinab Silver badge

          Re: Question

          She’s very good at holding up a sword …

          1. Anonymous Coward
            Anonymous Coward

            Re: Question

            She’s very good at holding up a sword

            This is probably a good thing, with Shapps in charge of defence soon all we'll have will be swords and bows and arrows. And maybe a mace or two so that we've got heavy weaponry covered...

          2. TRT Silver badge

            Re: Question

            Apologies to whichever author I forgot who wrote something that I read and inspired this, but Penny who is good with swords ought to learn to swallow them. And then it's just a simple matter to swap the 'S' from the start of sword to the end for it to become a useful skill for a politician.

        3. Ken Hagan Gold badge

          Re: Question

          I think Sunak is keeping Penny out of the way to protect his own position. Schapps presumably isn't a threat.

        4. Mooseman

          Re: Question

          "what about Penny?"

          Mordant is currently riding high on her amazing ability to hold a sword. That's it.

    4. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Question

      From this side of the pond, we might well ask the same question about the Trump-supporting morons who end up in Congress. Their fuckups are also consistent and obvious.

      As for Grant Shapps/Michael Green/insert-alias-here, dickhead Sunak thinks that spiv is the least worst of the lying, incompetent fuckwits that are destroying the country and have turned the Tory party into a clown show of corruption, venality and criminality. Just look at the worthless tossers in Sunak's cabinet (and Johnson's and Truss's): Gove, Cleverly (as if), Hunt, Braverman, Priti Vacant, Kwarteng, Hancock, Rees-Mogg, Badenough, Dorries,... [contd page 94]

      1. Fruit and Nutcase Silver badge
        Coat

        Re: Question

        Crème de la Crème

        Only the best privately educated with Oxbridge PPE degress and those with recent spad experience make the cut as we can see

        1. Anonymous Coward
          Anonymous Coward

          Re: Question

          Ah, you've looked up Claire Coutinho's CV too.

          1. Fruit and Nutcase Silver badge

            Re: Question

            Actually, I hadn't seen anything about her background when I posted that.

            I did later come across something about her...

            https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-66669995

            It's all very depressing about the catchment area of our polical classes.

            Even Labour with their latest/youngest MP

            https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-66265494

      2. ayay

        Re: Question

        (I am not British)

        Priti Vacant? I had to Google. Sounds like that famous song from the Pistols, wonder if the shoe fits… seems so.

        1. Fruit and Nutcase Silver badge
          Mushroom

          Re: Question

          To be replaced by an even more right wing narsisistic idealogue in the form of Cruela Braverman. The main reason Sunak gave her the job was that she bought the other loonies with her to prop him up

          1. Vometia has insomnia. Again.

            Re: Question

            I thought Priti Vacant was the pinnacle of evil stupid until Bra Vermin came along and comprehensively outdid her on both counts.

      3. Martin an gof Silver badge

        Re: Question

        [contd page 94]

        Have an upvote for Private Eye reference.

        M.

    5. EvilDrSmith Silver badge

      Re: Question

      In this case specifically, he appears to be a loyal supporter of Sunak.

      More generally, the very low standard of the available 'talent' (word used loosely) pool.

      (Ben Wallace appears to have been exceptionally unusual in actually being good at his job - mostly we tend to be happy just to have someone that isn't an utter disaster)

      Despite the assorted politically partisan comments that have already appeared, this has nothing to do with the political party he is in - if you look at any of the political parties in the UK*, their 'top teams' are manifestly unsuited to running a whelk stall, let alone a country.

      I wonder if, once they've won their war, Ukraine would lend us President Zelensky for a few months to stand in as our PM. it would be nice to have someone competent in government for a change.

      * I strongly suspect exactly the same applies to the US, Canada, France, Germany , Italy, etc, etc etc.

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: Question

        >In this case specifically, he appears to be a loyal supporter of Sunak.

        I understand Grand Schapps is now a loyal supporter of Sunak. Michael Green was on the fence, but Corinne Stockheath and Sebastian Fox supported Liz Truss and Alexander Johnson respectively...

        (For the uninitiated, Fox and Stockheath were other aliases used by Schapps in his dodgy business dealings)

    6. twellys

      Re: Question

      'Coz when the shit hits the fan, you need someone act as a fall-guy

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: Question

        Is the first floor window high enough?

        1. Ken Hagan Gold badge

          Re: Question

          Does it overlook an old mineshaft?

    7. OlderLag

      Re: Question

      I think you'll find that the main criterion for a government appointment is that the appointee should be more cretinous than the current Dear Leader, to avoid showing him/her (this month's) up.

    8. Throatwarbler Mangrove Silver badge
      Thumb Up

      Re: Question

      Thanks for the answers, everyone! Things work a little differently over here, although some appointees, like Bill DeJoy, also have an incomprehensible staying power despite a record of almost perfect incompetence and malice. We do expect less of Republican nominees, however, because an informal plank of the Republican Party is deliberately undermining effective government.

      1. Fruit and Nutcase Silver badge
        Joke

        Re: Question

        incomprehensible staying power

        Normally, statues are erected for politicians who have served with distinction, sometime after they have departed this world. Looks like Mitch McConnell is trying to buck the accepted practice by doing an impressive turn pretending to be a statue right now

    9. captain veg Silver badge

      Re: Question

      Brexit.

      Among the parliamentary Conservative party, then and still in power, were, perhaps surprisingly, a fair number that could competently organise a drinks event in a winery. Because they were sane and reasonable, they had reasoned that Brexit was a terrible idea, and so had to be expunged. This left swivel-eyed loons, morons and those of sufficiently pliable morals that pretending to be converted in pursuit of (continued) high office was worth lying about it. Shapps is exhibit A.

      -A.

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: Question

        Many departed as they would/could not do what the public voted for. What the public thought that they voted for and what lies were told on all sides is another matter.

        I have always said that anyone who wants to be a politician should be barred from standing for election.

        Anyone standing should have proved themselves excellent in industry first. (That doesn't include prostitution i.e. the Labour Shadow Cabinet member who has shagged her through the Union bosses to get her position (over the table I believe)).

        Only if they have proved they can run a successful business, should they be allowed to run the country.

        Unfortunately for us they get 10x the salary in business and so will not go into politics.

        1. Martin an gof Silver badge

          Re: Question

          I have always said that

          Isn't that © DNA? (quote 33).

          M.

          1. Alistair Wall

            Re: Question

            It was commonplace in the 1970s - as far back as I remember.

      2. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: Question

        I would have voted up for you, but you seem to think any of the tory fuckers are in anyway fucking sane or capable, means it's a no from me.

        They are all self-serving bunch of twats that only organise cash going in there scummy pockets

        1. MJI Silver badge

          Re: Question

          They were all sacked by bojo the clown.

        2. captain veg Silver badge

          Re: Question

          I actually said that some of them might be able to "organise a drinks event in a winery". And that this was before the Brexit purges.

          That all of them might might be self-serving was always a probability.

          -A.

    10. SundogUK Silver badge

      Re: Question

      Two words: Joe Biden.

      1. Mooseman

        Re: Question

        "Two words: Joe Biden."

        Two more words - so what?

    11. DJO Silver badge

      Re: Question

      For those of us across the pond, how does someone like this keep getting appointed to high office

      In order to get Brexit they had to expel or sideline every vaguely competent member, they are now left with idiots, fellow travellers and self-serving hypocrites which is why we have a "government" full of useless jerks like Truss & Shapps.

    12. Kristian Walsh

      Re: Question

      A shallow talent pool combined with a requirement for loyalty over ability.

      The UK electoral map (like that in most two-party, first-past-the-post systems) harbours a lot of “safe seats”, where anything can get elected to Parliament so long as it belongs to the appropriate party. This results in those seats being given as rewards for favours rendered to persons who have no political ability whatsoever. That creates a pool of MPs who lack ability, but are loyal to whatever leader or group managed to get them selected for their seat.

      (Historically, there are more of these safe seats in the Conservative column than Labour, but this run of Conservative governments does seem to be doing its best to rebalance that situation...)

      In a more competitive (i.e., democratic) electoral system, candidates would need to actually convince the electors of their worthiness, which would select in favour of more politically capable people and against ideologues, party hacks and spoofers. Consider what would happen in a vote-transfer system where there was not one, but two candidates elected: in a safe Tory seat, the Tories would put up two candidates, but as there would not be sufficient support to return both, the electorate would ultimately choose which one gets in. This situation neatly explains why the party opposes PR: if you can’t get a chum into Parliament, then what’s the point of it all?

    13. werdsmith Silver badge

      Re: Question

      @Throatwarbler Mangrove: nobody of any capability, competence or class would ever enter politics and therefore the only people who can achieve office of any kind are these narcissists and sociopaths.

      It's a choice of vote for a moron or don't vote. As I understand it, this is not an unknown situation either here or on your side of the pond.

    14. Mooseman

      Re: Question

      "For those of us across the pond, how does someone like this keep getting appointed to high office, if his fuckups are so consistent and obvious?"

      Probably for the same reason that Trump is likely to be the GOP candidate for 2024. The tory party is one big frat party, they choose their chums for high office and no matter the cock up (unless they are PM) they simply cycle them round to another post.

  9. Long John Silver Bronze badge
    Pirate

    Nostalgia for times gone by?

    Shapps and Wallace, by comparison with Mr 'Gav the Chav' Williamson, make the latter appear competent, erudite, and honest.

    Gav spent much of his time playing with his tin of toy soldiers. These were kept in the bunker under Whitehall. Gav was steered there each morning by Civil Service folk.

    Gav's idea of taking a RN rowing boat to the Black Sea in order to deter Russians was never taken as seriously as it merited. Anyway, Russian Foreign Secretary Lavrov, an amiable man intellectually head and shoulders above Western diplomats, had a good laugh.

    1. Bloodbeastterror

      Re: Nostalgia for times gone by?

      Perhaps a bit unfair to Ben Wallace. All accounts I've seen of him have represented him as honest and competent, admittedly maybe only in comparison with the rest of the dross inhabiting the Commons "government" seats.

    2. MJI Silver badge

      Re: Nostalgia for times gone by?

      Shapps/Green - dim

      Wallace - competent

      fireplace saleman - shifty, stupid, and nasty

  10. captain veg Silver badge

    Definition

    chancer

    noun UK informal

    See Grant Shapps

    -A.

  11. Tron Silver badge

    It's not a talent pool.

    It's a talent puddle.

    1. Big_Boomer

      Re: It's not a talent pool.

      It's not a talent pool.

      It's a talent sewer.

      (Fixed it for you)

    2. captain veg Silver badge

      Re: It's not a talent pool.

      Possibly a damp patch. If you squint.

      -A.

  12. Bloodbeastterror

    How much lower...

    ...can GB sink?

    1. Thought About IT

      Re: How much lower...

      Watch the eponymous News channel!

    2. Roj Blake Silver badge

      Re: How much lower...

      Well put it this way...

      The Tories know they're losing the next election. Many of them know that they'll be losing their seats as well.

      That gives them a year to cosy up to every dodgy enterprise available in the hope of getting a lucrative job in 2025.

    3. Fruit and Nutcase Silver badge
      Holmes

      Re: How much lower...

      ...can GB sink?

      Well, England certainly stinks, due to all the sewage the government allows the water companies to dump into rivers and the sea without incurring severe penalties

  13. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Removing competent MP's from their posts, one day at a time. Ben Wallace was the last member of the cabinet I had any time for whatsoever - and even then - he was always up against it with the treasury situation being what it is.

    Grant's time at both BEIS and as Energy Security secretary have hardly been stellar. Presiding over an ill conceived and ineffective re-organisation that has left civil servants in those sectors with muddier objectives than ever, inadequate resource and no mandate to simplify. While also paying a bunch of management consultants a ton of cash on how to carry out those reorganisations.

    I'd say let the private sector get on with it and get out of the way, but that's somewhat awkward to do when it comes to Defense..

    1. Ken Hagan Gold badge

      "I'd say let the private sector get on with it and get out of the way, but that's somewhat awkward to do when it comes to Defense."

      Perhaps the Wagner Group would be willing to take the contract.

  14. MonkeyJuice Bronze badge
    Joke

    "The French Foreign Legion accepts recruits from all over the world. The recruitment officially runs 24/7/365 (yes, you can join every day, all year long)"

    1. Strahd Ivarius Silver badge
      Devil

      Here they are.

      Unfortunately, you'll have to cross the Channel, so it means having a valid passport, and you know how long it will take to get one, you may be too old then to be allowed to apply...

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        I hear there are small boat services for crossing the channel. Though most of the traffic is the other direction.

  15. Strahd Ivarius Silver badge
    Trollface

    Can we expect...

    ... the swift return of the Brown Bess as a weapon of choice for the British Army?

  16. Andy Taylor

    Whoever is the incumbent, the job title is Secretary of State for Defence. That's Defence with a C not Defense. Please correct the headline.

    1. MJI Silver badge

      Send a correction then

  17. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Just saw this morning

    https://www.thetimes.co.uk/article/peter-brookes-times-cartoon-september-1-2023-5zwh6vq7t

    Sums up the Tory competence.

    1. Martin an gof Silver badge
      Thumb Up

      Re: Just saw this morning

      .thetimes.co.uk

      Paywalled, of course, though the top of the image *just* poked above the "give us your details" banner so I was able to "save image as".

      For those who can't be bothered, a hand of cards is shown, 8S, KC, AH, JD with "joker" on top being Shapps, holding a rifle in a somewhat incompetent manner and asking "which bit's the trigger?"

      HTH

      M.

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: Just saw this morning

        https://www.thetimes.co.uk/imageserver/image/%2Fmethode%2Ftimes%2Fprod%2Fweb%2Fbin%2F11e054ae-482d-11ee-9d0e-4ae3949ef5dc.jpg

        Not worth the bother really

  18. collinsl Silver badge

    > "By introducing a powerful new 'Right to Government Data', we will enable the release of government datasets to be manipulated and presented by others, thereby empowering citizens with more useful, accurate information. We'll publish online every item of central government spending over £25,000 and local expenditure over £500. As well as publishing every contract in full."

    Remids me of an episode of Yes Minister:

    https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0751824/

  19. Bebu
    Coat

    Apropos quote from "Tropic Thunder"

    - "I don't read the script. The script reads me.

    - "Everybody knows you never go full retard. ...You went full retard, man. Never go full retard.

    The whole shambles that constitute the crew of the UK ship of state have well and truly earned a good bynging. (pour encourager les autres)

  20. Daedalus

    Grant who?

    For a moment I thought it was that actor on Murphy Brown. Maybe it should have been.

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