Poor Merrill, but it's totally understandable. It's hard to concentrate or think things through when you're surrounded by seamen.
Windows screensaver left broadcast techie all at sea
Welcome once again to On-Call, The Register's Friday morning forum for sharing readers' tales of tech support mishaps and near misses. This week, meet a reader we'll Regomize as "Merrill," who wrote to tell us he once worked for Royal Caribbean cruise lines as a broadcast technician! Merrill's job meant he went to sea to make …
COMMENTS
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Sunday 27th August 2023 10:03 GMT Bebu
Captain Pugwash?
《Roger the cabin boy
Eye, eye, Cap'n, I'll go and do it right now!》
Even as a kid watching the original cutout animation I suspected it wasn't just Cutthroat Jake that was up for a bit of "dirty pirat'n." I thought the Captain always had a certain sheep shagging leer and Tom the Cabin Boy, from his accent, was clearly the keen public school type...
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Friday 25th August 2023 22:48 GMT that one in the corner
>such buffoonery to happen on his watch.
He _is_ a horny-handed son of the sea, but even his wrist is not thick enough to carry a watch of such size to support buffoonery - at least, not without scratching the glass or even twisting the stem. Even the sturdiest pocket timepiece of the day can only be expected to withstand waggery.
His chronometer can give you the longitude, but if you allowed him the latitude, he would merrily fob you off with TikTok Tales from the South China Sea too confusing to follow: you'll be too time zoned out to clock his intention to tarry in the foc'sle til Three Bells are past and swiftly drunk.
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Friday 25th August 2023 22:26 GMT G.Y.
Re: "Happily, we never heard a word about it from anyone,"
Way back, my monthly summary said "X had to stop work on Y (which is on the critical path to Z) and start masturbating Z". Report went up the channel, no echo
A few months later, I wrote "so the ayatollahs of X have shown us our un-islamic ways". My boss got a messages to get me to control my language. I asked about ayatollahs being non-Ok when the M-word was OK. Management hd someone dig up the monthly reports -- which were supposedly read carefully, all the way up the management chain.
(this involved 2 sites, separated by 10 time-zones. My immediate boss did not have English as mother tongue -- and they don't teach such words in school)
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Friday 25th August 2023 08:15 GMT Alan J. Wylie
When I used to work in cyber security, one of my colleagues was contracted by a cruise company to run a check on the on-board networks: WiFi, compartmentalisation of the public and internal networks, etc. Unfortunately (for the cruise company, not my colleague), delays in the schedule meant that he could only start once the ship had left port. The testing only took a couple of days, but the cheapest way of getting him home was for him to stay on the ship for another three or four days. Nice work if you can get it!
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Friday 25th August 2023 14:00 GMT Marty McFly
1996. I was installing computers at a business in the Bahamas. Computers were ordered with extra RAM, which production failed to provision. So the RAM sticks were overnighted to me...but accounting accidentally invoiced them resulting in significant duty fees. It was cheaper to keep me on-site than it was to pay the fees, so they re-shipped again with the proper zero-dollar paperwork (remember, the duty was already paid on the original computer specs - no cheating was happening). I refused the first shipment and told them to return to sender.
Did I mention how in the 1990's, International "Overnight" shipping actually took two days.... Yeah, that was four extra days in the Bahamas.
Last day on-site the UPS driver asked if I still wanted the first package, which they were supposed to return to shipper several days before. It never left his truck and he was tired of carrying it around. He handed me the package, duty free, and I hand carried it back to the office.
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Friday 25th August 2023 09:18 GMT Mishak
Not a screen saver, but...
One place I worked at had some DB app that included error handling (a sensible thing).
However, one of the developers was bored with the error messages that popped up during testing, so "refactored" the handler - and forgot to revert it before shipping the next release.
Not long after, a support call came in:
Customer: "Something strange is going on. I was trying to do XYZ, but wasn't sure how to get it to work so I had to try a few times".
Support: "Ok, sounds like we should document that a bit better".
Customer: "That would help. What got me was the error message that popped up".
Support: "Oh?"
Customer: "Yes. It said "9 out of 10 intelligent people would have worked this out by now""!
Luckily, this customer was an understanding type with a sense of humour...
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Friday 25th August 2023 13:24 GMT Sequin
Re: Not a screen saver, but...
A boss of mine once asked the customer what should happen if somebody tried to access an area of the application they should not. "It should tell them to bugger off!" came the reply.
He duly programmed this into the application which was MSDOS based. When the situation occurred the screen cleared and the words "BUGGER OFF" scrolled slowly down the screen in huge letters, while the system played the Monty Python theme tune (this was my suggestion - implemented in assembler, driving the speaker directly).
When it was demonstrated to the customer's boss he was not amused!
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Friday 25th August 2023 14:39 GMT Wally Dug
Re: Not a screen saver, but...
In the early 90s when I worked in a bank, a colleague was trying to fill up one of two ATMs with cash, the other one literally next to it still being in service. Despite the screen saying "Out of service" or similar, people still tried to put their cards in.
Eventually, completely fed up at overhearing people saying "It's not working" (as the machine was open, you could easily hear the people outside), he knocked on the wall and said "Bugger off!", only to be met by disbelief from the punters - "It's talking!".
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Friday 25th August 2023 18:33 GMT JimboSmith
Re: Not a screen saver, but...
Customer: "That would help. What got me was the error message that popped up".
Support: "Oh?"
Customer: "Yes. It said "9 out of 10 intelligent people would have worked this out by now""!
Luckily, this customer was an understanding type with a sense of humour...
We had an in house program that one of the tech developers had written. It was all fine until he left and a few months later there was a user who said her hard drive was on fire. When the startled IT support bloke asked her why she thought this she said an error message. One screenshot later and indeed it did say “Your Hard Drive Is On Fire” which it obviously wasn’t. There were a few others that also cropped up but what was very odd was one of the other devs had rewritten the code after the original bloke left. That was supposed to have eliminated most of the more “interesting” things in the program.
One thing I did was to change the screensaver on a colleague’s machine many years ago when she hadn’t locked it. She came back from a long meeting to find scrolling across her screen text akin to:
“Why do you leave me alone for so long, computers have feelings too you know.”
She seemed to ignore that so I followed it up with something like
“That’s right swan off to another meeting and don’t put it in your electronic diary!”
She grabbed me when I got back to my desk and said in a hushed voice I think my computer is talking to me. I let on at that point what I’d done.
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Friday 25th August 2023 23:02 GMT LessWileyCoyote
Re: Not a screen saver, but...
I worked on developing a government system that went live in the 1980s, and remember the flailing and squawking in management dovecotes when it emitted a message to the effect of "Error 2388 - Some day they're going to specify this message".
I knew the chap who programmed that bit of the system, and remembered his complaints about the impossibility of getting a workable specification out of the systems analysts. He moved on to another employer shortly before the go-live date, as I recall.
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Wednesday 6th September 2023 15:54 GMT Robert Carnegie
Re: Not a screen saver, but...
That sounds like the fictional "Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" in which an article about the Sirius Cybernetics Corporation "describes their marketing division as a bunch of mindless jerks who will be the first against the wall when the revolution comes, with a footnote to the effect that the editors would welcome applications from anyone interested in taking over the post of robotics correspondent" - I'm not sure exactly what happened in the Guide office after the first half of that quote, but it's probably a legendary quitting or a legendary firing.
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Friday 25th August 2023 10:03 GMT drand
Re: huh?
It translates as:
And yea, on that fateful day, the Almighty didst bestow upon the Ark many virgin Windowes computers; and Merrill was alone, forsaken by his brethren, who had wandered into the hold where he did maketh moving images of the sheep and the goats, and was cast overboard for his sin.
Or something.
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Friday 25th August 2023 16:43 GMT JimboSmith
Re: huh?
Wasn’t at a company I worked for but a mate was working there and they were losing quite a lot of stock to shoplifting. He attended a meeting where the problem was outlined and suggestions were taken as to solving the problem. During the meeting it was outlined that fitting rooms were where the thieves were secreting their ill gotten gains about their person or in a bag. Somebody in the meeting seriously suggested putting cameras in the fitting rooms to try and catch them in the act. Unsurprisingly the lawyer and most other people were utterly against this. Can’t think why.
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Tuesday 29th August 2023 11:31 GMT KarMann
Re: huh?
It's rather amusing to me, I think, that it seems obvious that Prst's issue is with 'the day the machines docked,' which caught me off-guard as well, and for which I have no certain explanation. And yet, pretty much every other reply (possibly barring the first) has focussed on the souvenir vids part, or maybe the 'first mate,' which seems like it was clear enough that there's no way Prst. was misunderstanding that.
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Friday 25th August 2023 12:19 GMT Martin Summers
Re: Who me on call?
They've eluded to their post bag of submissions being empty. So maybe they're having to stretch the scope. Quite a few entertaining yarns are put in the comments that would make decent articles. Maybe they should give the option not to be regomized so contributors can take their glory in the comments section.
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Friday 25th August 2023 12:18 GMT trevorde
Possessed screensaver
They rolled out PCs a while ago at my brother's work. Some of the older typists had never seen a computer before, let alone used Windows. After a few beers on a Friday night, one of the blokes changed a few of the screensavers to scroll text across the screen: "KILL THEM ALL!" Really freaked out some of the women on the Monday!
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Friday 25th August 2023 12:47 GMT DJV
Just over 20 years ago when I was working at a large insurance company in the east of England (clue!) there was a Windows executable/'screensaver' going around that would display, in huge letters on a flashing red/yellow background, "I'M WATCHING G*Y PR0N!". This would mysteriously turn up on unsuspecting users' PCs if they happened to leave them logged in when they left their desks! On my last day at the company before moving onto pastures more satisfying, I added that program to the Startup folder of the computer I'd been using as I'd been informed that, after my departure, my PC would most likely be re-imaged so it was nice and fresh ready for the next
victim, er, employee coming to work there.About a week later I heard from a now ex-colleague still working at the company who told me he'd been asked to demonstrate something IT-related to a client and decided not to use his own PC but to use mine as it had yet to be taken away for its refresh and it was easier to sit two people at my desk than his own. He logged in and sat chatting to the client for a while before they both noticed the bright flashing letters on the screen next to them. To say he was embarrassed was an understatement, and I laughed like a baboon upon hearing his news! Good job both he and the client had a sense of humour!
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Friday 25th August 2023 16:09 GMT Dave314159ggggdffsdds
East of England is a lot more than just East Anglia. It includes Beds, Herts, and Essex, and goes all the way to the Thames Estuary - basically everything east of the M1 and outside the M25. Most of those areas have the normal average number of grandparents per person. Not Basildon, obviously. But mostly.
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Monday 28th August 2023 20:01 GMT Norman Nescio
Or, for those of a certain age, Brentford Nylons...
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=he32H-lQo7s
https://worldnewlive.com/what-happened-to-brentford-nylons/
https://www.gracesguide.co.uk/Brentford_Nylons
...and there's a name from the past - Lonrho, which brings forth that 'interesting' character, 'Tiny' Rowland.
I think Robert Rankin improved the reputation of Brentford.
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Friday 25th August 2023 15:24 GMT Boris the Cockroach
Never leave
your PC on and logged in around here
Its only inviting trouble.... especially in the form of the PFY whos only too happy to put an embarassing text message on the screen when a customer(who has a sense of humour) is about.
Although I guess its my fault for exclaiming loudly when she met her other 1/2 the other day that they looked like they were using their tongues to examine each other's vocal cords.....(no pictures of this will be provided)
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Friday 25th August 2023 21:37 GMT J. Cook
Lock your computer when you step away.
That's part of the new hire orientation for everyone issued a network account at [RedactedCo]. It's even written into the regulations we have.
When I worked for [ISP] back in the 2000's, that was also one of the 'day one' items, because a lot of us were in network space carved out that wasn't part of the corporate network, and didn't have such fun things as content filters for some of the more naughty web sites.
Leaving your machine unlocked was quickly punished by having your browser's home page changed to visit an adult site, and not the 'tame' ones, either. Along with possibly your wallpaper. Or screen saver.
(thankfully, no one sent emails out proclaiming how baggy your pants were... usually.
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Saturday 2nd September 2023 02:21 GMT M.V. Lipvig
Place I worked for would do this. If you left your box unlocked the wallpaper would be changed to rather large American football players in a state of photogenic undress, by which I mean laying on a bed with a strategically placed... washcloth, if you were lucky and no washcloth if you weren't. I never participated as this was an HR complaint just begging to happen as soon as one of the thin skinned wandered through, nor was I ever caught out - at my previous place of emoloyment, the favored prank was emailing people from your official workplace email account. Nothing like trying to explain to The Boss that no, you didn't send a letter of resignation while calling him a left handed golfer.
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Saturday 26th August 2023 08:18 GMT C R Mudgeon
Lorem #$?@ ipsum
My colleague, who hated his job [1], used some choice words in test text, including at least one f-bomb, while developing a new application.
His code ended up in production, and his secret howl of anguish ended up in print. As in hard copy. As in ~100k copies. As in, not consignable to the memory hole via an update.
Management was not amused. Much dolor ensued.
[1] I hated my job by that point too, but not as badly as he hated his.
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Saturday 26th August 2023 11:28 GMT aerogems
At a previous job one time one of my coworkers accidentally sent a message telling one of the Directors to "take action." This was one of those people who seemed to think being a Director of a now defunct retail chain made him hot shit somehow. So not long after he come bursting in demanding to know who the hell thinks they can tell him to "take action." I think by dumb luck that particular coworker went home early that day for something, so cooler heads were able to intercept Mr. Hot-Shit and divert his attentions elsewhere. But it became kind of a running joke inside our office to tell people to "take action."
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Saturday 26th August 2023 22:07 GMT an.other_tech
BSOD and inappropriate screensavers
Having seen the airport BSOD on both advertising screens, and even once a flight board, it makes me wonder why after the NT days, where it said "don't run mission critical" or something like that.
Yet here we are 20+ years later, still relying on Windows for advertising and information screens/boards.
Had the inappropriate screensavers, locked from the user plebs, so we could pretty much put what we liked. The Happy Birthdays, congratulations on your new baby, or the classic, screenshot from the drunken office party with names and departments .....
Those liberal days are long gone. Due to cost saving, the machines now sleep. Boring