back to article BOFH: Zen and the art of battery replacement

BOFH logo telephone with devil's horns "Farewell old girl." >creak< ..... .... ... .. . >CRASH!< … The next day … "And so it, uh, fell out the window?" our claims investigator asks. "Out the window, and onto my assistant's new e-bike." "New?" the claims guy asks, dubiously. "New to him. I believe it was a couple of …

  1. F. Frederick Skitty Silver badge

    I love it when a co-conspirator is inducted into total bastardry.

    1. Korev Silver badge
      Coat

      And so perpetuates the cycle...

      1. Doctor Syntax Silver badge
        Mushroom

        Cycle? That implies the BOFH being replaced. If you're going to try doing that will you sell tickets?

        1. The Dogs Meevonks Silver badge

          The only cycle in use here, is the second hand e-bike the assessor buys that he suddenly finds out has no brakes as he starts down a very steep hill.

        2. FeRDNYC

          An attempt to replace the BOFH? Oh, yes, I imagine that would completely sell out the stadium. (Despite the conclusion being foregone. RIP Korev.)

      2. Blackjack Silver badge
        Trollface

        Oh no the "cycles" are not even lasting a day.

  2. b0llchit Silver badge
    Thumb Up

    Conspiracy to commit Friday pre-pub entertainment with predetermined outcome of claim supported financing and electric sparkling enjoyment.

    There must be an insurance to cover that.

  3. stungebag

    "You shouldn't be storing those in the building," our claims guy points out.

    "THAT'S THE SPIRIT!

    Brilliant.

  4. rob@bofh.co.nz

    Hmm fresh out of a suitable UPS battery

    Do have some rather dodgy fork truck lead acid battery packs that I might be able to call into service....

    1. Boris the Cockroach Silver badge
      Pint

      Well the BoFH is an inspiration to us all.

      But even I'd have a hard time getting one of the forklifts up the stairs to the meeting room, getting it through the 6'6" by 3' doorway, then driving down the the meeting room table (accidently running over the bean counter on the way) before plummetting it from a window (we're not going to worry about a dodgy catch vs a forklift right? ) on top of the claims assessor and/or his car.(the options put to him earlier was 'Are you refusing our claim or Do you want a new company car)

      But please note, while I'd have a hard time... I never said it was impossible........... "Ohhhh George!!! I have another job for you.... "

      <<<<off to gain an albi of 'being down the pub'

      1. stiine Silver badge
        Mushroom

        You have no ambition. ANYONE can drive a fork truck into an elevator, press the UP button, followed by the surreptitious chanting of any number of applicable prayers. to the many applicable gods. If getting it through a standard office door is a problem, consider the immediatelly adjacent section of drywall.

      2. MachDiamond Silver badge

        "But even I'd have a hard time getting one of the forklifts up the stairs to the meeting room,"

        There are really small forklifts available that are sometimes used in multi-story buildings. The first time I saw one was in the movie "Head Office" and saw some later in a hotel that had lots of ballrooms on several floors.

        1. Boris the Cockroach Silver badge
          Pint

          Yeah... but they dont have the same sort of impact we're looking for here...... ie 500lbs+ of batteries.......

          <<<typed this 3 tymes due to beign worse for wear ... and now for the post pub fry up(where did that section go el-reg?)

          1. Jonathan Richards 1 Silver badge
            Unhappy

            Post-pub fry-up

            >where did that section go el-reg?

            Sadly, very sadly, I think that it went the way of the late lamented Lester of this parish, whose enthusiasm for such may have proved unsustainable.

  5. Anonymous Anti-ANC South African Coward Silver badge
    Coat

    Just hoodwink The Bossly Unit into buying either an EV or a hybrid vehicle, then drop something heavy onto it which will then puncture the battery and cause a runaway fire...

    ---> off to the pub to watch the conflagration from a safe distance...

  6. TeeCee Gold badge

    More daft rules. All that effort to get a UPS outside just so you can take its batteries out and put them back in replace them with hugely expensive new ones.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      We have two great big UPS batteries sitting in the corner cos the tip won't take them and the hazmat disposal services would charge (finger in mouth) '1 million $'

      We don't have an upper floor but we do have a few ebikes.

      1. MachDiamond Silver badge

        "We have two great big UPS batteries sitting in the corner "

        Are they completely toast? You could always put them on Freecylce, Craigslist or another classified ad site for free (or for just some lunch money) and see if somebody will come and take them away for you. Even Lead can be expensive these days so somebody may find it worthwhile to recover it.

        1. Pete Sdev

          "see if somebody will come and take them away for you. Even Lead can be expensive these days "

          Yes, someone could take them, remove anything of value and dump the rest in a lane/river/field/woodland. Flytipping is a big enough problem as it is.

          A bit of responsibility is called for.

  7. Doctor Syntax Silver badge

    I suppose a more senior investigator might have been told he needed to inspect the halves of the screws that were still in the window frame.

    1. Michael H.F. Wilkinson Silver badge

      Which would probably lead to a database normalisation warning

    2. Korev Silver badge
      Childcatcher

      I suppose a more senior investigator might have been told he needed to inspect the halves of the screws that were still in the window frame.

      Just before meeting a tragic accident?

      1. Yet Another Anonymous coward Silver badge
        1. Anonymous Coward
          Anonymous Coward

          What is shocking is that so many Russians still feel the urge to demonstrate the superior strength of russian glass in this way. There is no accounting for folk.

          Probably Luna 25 project managers will be shortly be demonstrating this very point to their replacements.

          1. TRT

            Ah. Their special lunar excursion project. It certainly wasn't a moon LANDING.

            1. JohnTill123
              Trollface

              Perhaps...

              Perhaps it was a test of regolithobraking?

      2. Bebu
        Windows

        Talk about walking into (another) defenestration...

        《I suppose a more senior investigator might have been told he needed to inspect the halves of the screws that were still in the window frame.》

        I imagine the original reason the insurers requiring the external windows to be secured was the unusually large death and injury claims arising from various parties taking an unintended short cut per fenestram to the cark park.

        If I were the claims adjuster I would not, for all the tea in China, be leaning over the sheared screw heads beside a window which by definition was now unsecured.

    3. Charlie Clark Silver badge

      A more senior investigator just wants a bigger payoff, probably involving a cooling unit and beer wagon office deliveries vehicle.

  8. Vulch

    Danger of escalation alert

    and 1,000W grid stacked core wound motor on it

    Whatever one of those might be, it's 4 times the permitted power for an e-bike unless it's registered with DVLC with all the associated faff needed for a motorbike. Don't want to attract the attention of a head office jobsworth who might deny the claim.

    1. Ochib

      Re: Danger of escalation alert

      It’s not illegal to own an e-bike with a power output exceeding 250 Watts, or where the electrical assistance doesn’t cut off at 25kph. However, it is illegal to ride it as you would a standard bike (without it being registered and insured like a moped), on a public highway – this includes both roads and off-road rights of way such as bridleways and byways.

      Unregistered and uninsured e-bikes that do not conform to regulations can only be ridden on private land where the public doesn’t have access, with the permission of the landowner.

      1. Charlie Clark Silver badge

        Re: Danger of escalation alert

        What's the point of the claim if the device is uninsured?

        1. Vincent Ballard

          Re: Danger of escalation alert

          Aren't they claiming on the company's building insurance rather than the bike's insurance?

          1. TRT

            Re: Danger of escalation alert

            Third party liability cover.

      2. M.V. Lipvig Silver badge

        Re: Danger of escalation alert

        I see no issue with a governed, overpowered e-bike. That's how you win stoplight drag races (and I mean proper drag races, not the strange ones with dudes in dresses.)

        1. Yet Another Anonymous coward Silver badge

          Re: Danger of escalation alert

          > (and I mean proper drag races, not the strange ones with dudes in dresses.)

          You haven't seen Dame Edna taking the chicane at Monza in high heels

          1. This post has been deleted by its author

    2. Doctor Syntax Silver badge

      Re: Danger of escalation alert

      "Don't want to attract the attention of a head office jobsworth who might deny the claim."

      He would be welcome to come and investigate for himself. Just park under the window where the mishap took place....

    3. Bebu
      Windows

      Re: Danger of escalation alert

      I imagine bicycle with a 2kWh battery even with a fairly porky PFY depressing the accelerator would be projected into the middle of next week. (Much more massive Tesla EVs have ~60-80kWh batteries.) I don't think the 2kWh is for range as riding from Land's End to John o'Groats could only be classed as cruel and unusual punishment.

      1. TRT

        Re: Danger of escalation alert

        You're thinking of the one with 1.21 jigawatts

    4. Elongated Muskrat Silver badge

      Re: Danger of escalation alert

      the associated faff needed for a motorbike

      Whilst getting a category A licence might be deemed a "faff," if the power output is below 11KW, you can do so with just a CBT and a provisional license (like pretty much every takeaway delivery rider on a moped). I'm of the opinion that many push-bike riders would do well to have done a CBT course, just so that they have basic road awareness and control of their vehicle, given the number who seem to like to change road position without even looking, let alone signalling their intentions.

      The only other "faffy" bit here is the wearing of a helmet. Drop a watermelon from six feet onto a hard surface, and you'll understand why this isn't a faff, it's essential; one of these has saved me from brain damage or death on more than one occasion. Again, I'm of the opinion that those on push-bikes should be made to wear helmets (even if not motorcycle ones, some impact protection is better than none).

      Okay, well there's insurance, tax and registration as well, but those cost a lot less on a bike than they do on a car.

      1. Benegesserict Cumbersomberbatch Silver badge

        Re: Danger of escalation alert

        I totally agree with your head injury precautions, but to be fair watermelons don't have two cortical and one trabecular layers of bone between the outside world and the pink squishy stuff.

  9. Michael H.F. Wilkinson Silver badge
    Pint

    Elegant solution ...

    to the problem of battery replacement

    Profitable too.

    I'll drink to that

  10. Big_Boomer
    Pint

    Fayah, ahhh dooo declare Fayah!!

    Anything that starts a Friday with destruction and dodgy dealings is fine by me. :-) Have a pint Simon!!

  11. A. Coatsworth Silver badge
    Coat

    Let's make a deal

    - You can choose the shiny new E-bike that is being presented by our lovely PFY, or...

    - Or...?

    - Or the Mystery Prize that is behind the curtain!

    - Mystery Prize! Mystery Prize!

    - Ok, go ahead and claim it

    - There is only an open window behind the curtain, what gives?

    - Correction, a seventh-floor open window

    - ‽

    - Good night and until next Friday!

    1. Charlie Clark Silver badge

      Re: Let's make a deal

      There is always a choice, Mr von Lipwig…

      1. M.V. Lipvig Silver badge

        Re: Let's make a deal

        Hey!

  12. ShortLegs

    Lovely

    Reminds me of the claims assessors that were [very] occasionally sent out to BAOR. God only knows why, when the box of crystal glass was worth less than the cost of flying two assessors over, return taxis to/from airport, to/from claimant, hotel accommodation and restaurant dining. Ok, so it would probably have been the ninehundred and eleventieth time a box of cut crystal glasses had been dropped, a complete coincidence that everyone used the same department store and thus explaining why everyone, regardless of unit/location had the same set. And wholly immaterial that the box looked more travelled than the Falklands Task Force on its return.

    Im sure the assessors knew exactly what went on and used it as an excuse for a jolly every 6 months.

    Though the funniest claim was a neighbour whose bike had been stolen... and she couldnt describe it all, whilst her husband gave a wholly convincing description of his "bike"

  13. MachDiamond Silver badge

    More Edutainment

    I've always found the BOfH stories as more like parables. They might be fictional, but they illustrate an important life lesson. Unlike those in a 2,000 year old book, they're applicable to the modern world in much more useful ways.

  14. IGotOut Silver badge

    Interestingly

    ....a claims investigator told me how to get around get clauses for water leaks.

    Many insurance companies want cover loss of water, or damage caused trying to find the location of the leak, only damage caused by the leak.

    He kindly told me that, if I say had been fitting a new bath panel, dropped it, smashed several of the tiles and hit the water pipe causing the leak, then EVERYTHING was covered. Not just the ceiling below.

    Lovely guy.

    1. X5-332960073452
      Unhappy

      Re: Interestingly

      My favourite (not),

      Portable electronic equipment - e.g. Laptop - drop it whilst carrying, not covered, knocked off table by cat, covered.

      1. herman Silver badge

        Re: Interestingly

        Must be a big and clumsy cat to knock a lappy off a table.

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