back to article BOFH: You can be replaced by a robot or get your carbon footprint below Big Dave's

BOFH logo telephone with devil's horns "I'm not sure I understand what you're suggesting," the Boss says. "I'm not suggesting anything," I say. "It's part of your contract." "Yes, but I don't understand what it is you mean." "Well, it's pretty simple. When you signed on you agreed to work for the Company in any reasonable …

  1. DJV Silver badge

    If you're lucky!

    "When should we tell him that the email was just about HR digitizing his personnel record?"

    "How about 20kg from now?"


    Thanks for the Friday chuckle!

  2. Joe W Silver badge

    "It's in your contract"


    Well done :)

    1. Doctor Syntax Silver badge

      Re: "It's in your contract"

      If you're lucky.

      1. tezboyes

        Re: "It's in your contract"


  3. phuzz Silver badge

    "If you're not lucky, you'll just be a disembodied head on a screen."

    That doesn't sound too bad. Unless he goes computer senile of course, and gets replaced by Queeg 500...

    1. The Oncoming Scorn Silver badge

      Live From Network 23

      I'd rather have Max.

      1. steelpillow Silver badge

        Re: Live From Network 23

        Have a virtual beer for that.

        1. Laura Kerr

          Re: Live From Network 23

          A Zik-Zak beer, naturally.

      2. tezboyes

        Re: Live From Network 23

        Holly or Hilly?

        1. Hot Diggity

          Re: Live From Network 23

          Better Holly or Hilly than Mr Flibble.

      3. stuartnz

        Re: Live From Network 23

        The upvotes (inc. mine ofc) for your post, and the entire sub-thread, nicely illustrate how VERY specific a demographic the readership of El Reg is :)

    2. TeeCee Gold badge

      It all depends whether you read "disembodied head" as a digital likeness of your head or as; axe chopping/your head/tubes/nutrient solution/camera.

    3. Zarno

      I prefer the embodied heads in jars, thanks.

      Mine's the one with the ticket to the Head Museum in the pocket.


      1. Lil Endian Silver badge

        "I don't do that anymore..."

        "Feeding time!"

        *nom nom nom*

      2. Neil 44

        Nothing new here!

        Jeremy Bentham (d1832) has been attending University College, London meetings for ages....


  4. Anonymous Anti-ANC South African Coward
    Thumb Up

    ANother one that'll age like good cheese or fine wine...

    This carbon bollocks is starting to work on my tits.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      This carbon bollocks is starting to work on my tits.

      Umm, ... speaking only for myself, I do feel I have to say at this point that I'm not all sure that using tit-bollocks to try to store carbon is going to help ...



    2. Evil Auditor Silver badge

      You use your tits for carbon sequestration?!

      1. MrDamage Silver badge

        In the same manner Big Dave does. His moobs are heading towards a D cup.

        1. tezboyes

          Indeed, I'd not realised the good I've been doing all these years!

          (I do have it stated in my will that I want a woodland burial)

          And yes like some, I've already done the figures on the positive contribution of early decease...

    3. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      If storing carbon bollocks on your tits is what we need to do to emit less carbon, then so be it.

  5. Prst. V.Jeltz Silver badge

    Error in binary expression at line 61

    "more carbon neutral"

    Isnt that like saying "a little bit pregnant" ?

    Still, it was The Boss saying it.

    1. b0llchit Silver badge

      Re: Error in binary expression at line 61

      That is called manglement-speak for "I have no clue what I'm talking about". Why else do you think the bosses in this fine bastardly controlled company are so expendable?

      1. A.P. Veening Silver badge

        Re: Error in binary expression at line 61

        I haven't encountered the first company yet, where bosses aren't expendable.

        1. Mark 85

          Re: Error in binary expression at line 61

          The problem is, the bosses are ones who survive lay-off times. It's usually the worker bees who get canned and thus the bosses get big bonuses for "reducing costs".

        2. Doctor Syntax Silver badge

          Re: Error in binary expression at line 61

          Before I retired the boss of my company was indispensable. After all, I was the only employee.

    2. MrDamage Silver badge

      Re: Error in binary expression at line 61

      >> Isnt that like saying "a little bit pregnant" ?

      2 weeks is a little bit pregnant. 8 months is a big bit pregnant.

      I hope that clears it up.

    3. veti Silver badge

      Re: Error in binary expression at line 61

      Only if you're the kind of tedious pedant who thinks it's some kind of blasphemy to use mathematical expressions in everyday speech.

      Consider: the expression "100 < 1" is wrong (false), obviously. The expression "1 < 1" is also false, but it's considerably closer to being true. To a computer, both expressions are equal - they're both false, there's no real allowance for more nuanced evaluation unless you're dealing in some niche area like fuzzy logic. But humans deal with fuzzy logic all the time, so we see the difference straight away.

      1. Rol

        Re: Error in binary expression at line 61

        but even mathematicians want it both ways. Consider infinity. In mathematics they will argue the set of all numbers is greater than the set of all integers. Both sets have an infinite number of elements, but one is infinitely bigger than the other, because between every integer there are an infinite set of numbers. however, infinity raised to the power infinity is still only infinity, it isn't a bigger infinity, but the big brains will tell you it is.

    4. doublelayer Silver badge

      Re: Error in binary expression at line 61

      It's a perfectly functional synonym for "closer to being carbon neutral". Since you can easily measure your level of neutrality, and therefore you can easily compare being not neutral but close to it and not neutral by a wide margin, you can be less neutral by either pumping out more CO2 if you're carbon positive, or sequestering more if you're carbon negative. Since being less neutral is possible, being more neutral isn't that hard to understand either.

      This is even clearer in a position where neutrality isn't measured. It is possible to determine whether you are exactly carbon neutral, whereas it is not possible to determine if you're politically neutral. This means that it's even easier to understand, if not implement, becoming more politically neutral.

      1. tezboyes

        Re: Error in binary expression at line 61

        And when you're the Boss, close to being defenestrated, you're close to becoming a lot more carbon neutral.

        Dead bosses tell no tales, but more importantly use few resources.

  6. Andy 68

    All too familiar.... :-)

    "you'd just have to program it to say What? And I don't understand and Where's the tea?—who'd know the difference?"

    "What?" cried Arthur, backing away still further.

    "See what I mean?" said Zaphod

    1. Lil Endian Silver badge

      Re: All too familiar.... :-)

      Aaaargh! Wanna up vote, but you're on 42!

      Here: Drink... but... very carefully...

      [And not more than two, as icon differs from contents!]

      1. Snowy Silver badge

        Re: All too familiar.... :-)

        I can not upvote them but I upvoting you and by proxy i can <3

      2. Down not across

        Re: All too familiar.... :-)

        ...unless you are a thirty ton mega elephant with bronchial pneumonia

        I did rather like the bit...

        The renewed shock had nearly made him spill his drink. He drained it quickly before anything serious happened to it. He then had another quick one to follow the first one down and check that it was all right.

        “Freedom,” he said aloud.

        Trillian came on to the bridge at that point and said several enthusiastic things on the subject of freedom.

        “I can’t cope with it,” Zaphod said darkly, and sent a third drink down to see why the second hadn’t yet reported on the condition of the first. He looked uncertainly at both of her and preferred the one on the right.

        He poured a drink down his other throat with the plan that it would head the previous one off at the pass, join forces with it, and together they would get the second to pull itself together. Then all three would go off in search of the first, give it a good talking to and maybe a bit of a sing as well.

        He felt uncertain as to whether the fourth drink had understood all that, so he sent down a fifth to explain the plan more fully and a sixth for moral support.

    2. Lil Endian Silver badge

      Re: All too familiar.... :-)

      Gah! 42 busted - UVed!

  7. Bebu Silver badge


    Might be impossible to shove the boss through the window if he were carrying an extra 30kg.

    Suspicion might be aroused if he were to be found in the car park in obvious pieces. (Tidal forces, Roche limit?)

    1. Alistair Wall

      Re: Careful...

      Which is why they want to get him on the roof.

    2. Korev Silver badge

      Re: Careful...

      But think of that extra 30KG worth of potential energy and what you could do with it...

    3. John Brown (no body) Silver badge
      Thumb Up

      Re: Careful...

      "(Tidal forces, Roche limit?)"

      "Said something to upset Putin"

    4. Blackjack Silver badge

      Re: Careful...

      Gravity is your friend, if he goes over the weight limit of the emergency exit stairs.

  8. Will Godfrey Silver badge
    Thumb Up

    Ahh BOFH time again

    ... and as usual, a nice twist in the tail.

    1. Andy the ex-Brit

      Re: Ahh BOFH time again

      Like a little piggie.

    2. This post has been deleted by its author

  9. mtategcps

    "If you're not lucky, you'll just be a disembodied head on a screen."

    Anyone else get Red Dwarf flashbacks?

    1. galbak

      Or flash forwards.

    2. Uncle Slacky Silver badge

      Or Max Headroom?

      1. steelpillow Silver badge

        How poor Max raged against the fashion for d-d-d-d-d-d-d-digital!

        But then, I remember that at the time we all still thought that digital watches were a pretty neat idea.

        Smart cookie, Max Headroom.

        1. Michael H.F. Wilkinson

          Max was definitely a cool froid who really knew where his towel was.

          1. Michael H.F. Wilkinson

            froid should be frood (bloody autocorrect)

    3. ridley

      Or Futurama

      (3 more days!!!, he'll have to be a Bender substitute for now....)

  10. Boris the Cockroach Silver badge

    Its happened again

    See icon

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Its happened again

      Your local industrial supplier can provide latex keyboard covers if you continue to have this problem.

      1. Boris the Cockroach Silver badge

        Re: Its happened again

        Will they keep the keyboards clean of other substances apart from coffee?

        I'm thinking orange juice, diet coke, blood, hydrualic oil, blood, plating solution, more blood, beancounter brains......................

        1. Doctor Syntax Silver badge

          Re: Its happened again

          Don't hit beancounters with your keyboard. A large spanner is quite adequate.

          1. tezboyes

            Re: Its happened again

            Definitely not with a modern keyboard, you'll just end up annoying said bean counter on two grounds. For one thing it'll hurt a bit, but mostly as it'll need to be written off, new one purchased, etc...

            Of course if you us a proper old school IBM keyboard, well you may need to drop it into the dishwasher to get the blood off!

      2. MrDamage Silver badge

        Re: Its happened again

        Yeah, but the nonoxyenol-9 plays havoc with the switches after a while.

  11. JimboSER

    If you could grow your own potatoes on the roof...

    Never let the BOFH get you on the roof. Unless of course he lets you do something up there that will impress the Board, and then THEY will be on the roof...

    PFY: There's been a horrible accident!

  12. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward



  13. Michael H.F. Wilkinson

    Lovely episode once more

    Really cheered me up this rainy day.

    On a philosophical note: does drinking alcohol also count as carbon sequestration? Methinks it is time for an experiment.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Lovely episode once more

      "does drinking alcohol also count as carbon sequestration?"

      Every molecule of ethanol has 2 atoms of Carbon, so I say it does!

  14. Blackjack Silver badge

    So the plan was to make the boss fat so he dies from a heart attack?

    I am surprised they didn't ask for money to "fix" his carbon footprint.

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