back to article BOFH: Lies, damned lies, and standards

BOFH logo telephone with devil's horns "... but that's not the turnaround we promised our users!" the Boss bleats. "But it is the recognized industry standard turnaround time," I counter. "Which industry standard is that?" the Boss asks. "The one set by the Association of Servicepeople for Software and Hardware Over the …

  1. Korev Silver badge
    Coat

    The boss seemed a bit annoyed, he didn't like the BOFH's toner voice...

    1. MrDamage
      Coat

      But we did greet the new story with much fanfold.

  2. AbortRetryFail

    This boss...

    ... seems rather more intelligent than the usual ones. And seems to be in on the joke and running with it.

    Could be dangerous.

    1. Korev Silver badge
      Pirate

      Re: This boss...

      We'll see how the "traffic sprints" go...

      1. Mark 85

        Re: This boss...

        We'll see how the "traffic sprints" go...

        So something new instead of "come over to the window, I want you to see something."?

        1. Bebu
          Big Brother

          Re: This boss...

          Not sure the boss' longevity coefficient is much higher. The PFY might provide two blindfolds for the traffic sprint but you you can wager your last £/€/$/¥ that, either with the PFY's connivance or from the BOFH's instinctive cunning for self preservation, the BOFH's blindfold will be as opaque a pornstar's panties. Hell - he has to see to be able to shove the boss under an appropriate bus.

          "I like to look at my clients as a whole in order to determine the best journey to fulfill their purpose. look at my clients as a whole in order to determine the best journey to fulfill their purpose."

          Their journey from the window to the carpark one suspects.

          If extreme porky density distorts and undermines reality then our politicians would have thrust all of us over that event horizon years ago. Boris could have done it singlehanded.

          I believe when one crosses an event horizon time is stretched out to eternity which would explain much about contemporary UK politics if indeed Boris has shoved us over that edge.

          1. Toni the terrible

            Re: This boss...

            The event Horizon was passed, do you think the world you are observing is at all reasonable?

      2. tezboyes

        Re: This boss...

        I was just thinking he seems smarter than the average boss, is his name Yogi?

    2. chivo243 Silver badge
      Coat

      Re: This boss...

      Yes, intelligent adversaries seem to kick Simon and Stephen into gear, no fates worse than death yet, could be we see this boss fall to a tragic incident next week?

      Stay tuned to this channel!

    3. Elongated Muskrat Silver badge

      Re: This boss...

      Not intelligent enough to walk away without asking questions.

  3. crosenblum

    Boss didn't like their tone?

    Yay, Friday BOFH is here!

    I am surprised by the lack of Zrrrt sounds, or the lack of lime and halon usage.

    1. Captain Scarlet

      Re: Boss didn't like their tone?

      You try making Zrrrt sounds with lungs full of fine toner dust

  4. Michael H.F. Wilkinson Silver badge
    Coffee/keyboard

    Association of Servicepeople for Software and Hardware Over the Lifetime of Equipment.

    Sheer genius once more!

    1. Roger Kynaston
      Go

      Re: Association of Servicepeople for Software and Hardware Over the Lifetime of Equipment.

      Over here we'll have the Associated Realm of Servicepeople for Software and Hardware Over the Lifetime of Equipment

      1. M.V. Lipvig Silver badge

        Re: Association of Servicepeople for Software and Hardware Over the Lifetime of Equipment.

        Should that not instead be the Associated Realm of Servicepeople for E-waste and Hardware Over the Lifetime of Equipment?

    2. bombastic bob Silver badge
      Thumb Up

      Re: Association of Servicepeople for Software and Hardware Over the Lifetime of Equipment.

      First thing I looked for was a potential acronym

      [now it needs a T shirt]

      1. Yet Another Anonymous coward Silver badge

        Re: Association of Servicepeople for Software and Hardware Over the Lifetime of Equipment.

        "Association of Personal Trainers Over the Lifetime of the Trainee"

        APTOLT = Am I missing something ?

        1. doublelayer Silver badge

          Re: Association of Servicepeople for Software and Hardware Over the Lifetime of Equipment.

          I think it only means that the boss gets the idea, but doesn't recognize the original acronym. Alternatively, they do, but they don't think quickly enough to come up with an alternate acronym that still fits the pattern closely enough.

    3. -maniax-

      Re: Association of Servicepeople for Software and Hardware Over the Lifetime of Equipment.

      At a previous job the IT dept shared an office with the Health & Safety guy

      For some reason that we could never work out management wouldn't let us put a sign on the door saying "Safety, Health & IT"

      1. the spectacularly refined chap Silver badge

        Re: Association of Servicepeople for Software and Hardware Over the Lifetime of Equipment.

        What a load of Stuart Hall International Travel. Yes, that one is legit, same Stuart Hall who was done for kiddie fiddling as part of Yew Tree.

        At my first job after Uni at what was then the Inland Revenue there was an idea to have specialist teams to deal with Appeals, Reviews, and the Self Employed. It actually happened but they did alter the order of the categories.

        1. Yet Another Anonymous coward Silver badge

          Re: Association of Servicepeople for Software and Hardware Over the Lifetime of Equipment.

          To the Central Unit of New Technology ?

          1. tezboyes

            Re: Association of Servicepeople for Software and Hardware Over the Lifetime of Equipment.

            The City University of Newcastle upon Tyne.

            1. Benegesserict Cumbersomberbatch Silver badge

              Re: Association of Servicepeople for Software and Hardware Over the Lifetime of Equipment.

              Or maybe spend your next holiday in Australia's Northern Territory and pick up one of their tourism-promotional bumper stickers: CU in the NT.

              Also available as a novelty spare tyre cover for the back of the 4WD.

              1. Bebu
                Coat

                Re: Association of Servicepeople for Software and Hardware Over the Lifetime of Equipment.

                See you in the NT (as it were.)

                I think there were some choice words in "the House" over that tourism campaign and the (?)responsible minister and apparently braindead public(civil) servant(s) enjoyed a well sunk slipper.

                The Advertising Agency must have been either a subsidary of BOFH Global or PFY Transnational or more likely the Top End "creatives" were having near death drug induced hallucinations.

                I am sure the bumper stickers and other associated merchandise are still available from under the counter (in the usual brown paper wrappers) courtesy of PFY Promotional Products (Xinjiang.)

                1. Hazmoid

                  Re: Association of Servicepeople for Software and Hardware Over the Lifetime of Equipment.

                  actually it started out as a joke (much like the Australian Research and Space Exploration website https://spaceaustralia.com.au/)

            2. John Brown (no body) Silver badge

              Re: Association of Servicepeople for Software and Hardware Over the Lifetime of Equipment.

              "The City University of Newcastle upon Tyne."

              Funny, but no cigar.

              No such place as "City University" in Newcastle. There's Newcastle University and the ex-Polytechnical College now known as University of Northumbria.

              1. tezboyes

                Re: Association of Servicepeople for Software and Hardware Over the Lifetime of Equipment.

                Funnily enough, been there, done that, saw the evidence at the time ....and it it documented.

                As I can't remember if this site bans links to stop spam I suggest you use your favourite search engine and look the story up.

              2. hplasm
                Coat

                Re: Association of Servicepeople for Software and Hardware Over the Lifetime of Equipment.

                But there is:

                Bishop Grossteste University - Lincoln

                ( the other is, apparently in the Albert hall, and not as big? )

            3. Ken G Silver badge
              Angel

              Re: Association of Servicepeople for Software and Hardware Over the Lifetime of Equipment.

              I'm sure it would be called the Newcastle upon Tyne City University, for similar reasons to the Institute of Technology, Tallaght not following the naming convention of other IT's around Ireland.

            4. Triphase

              Re: Association of Servicepeople for Software and Hardware Over the Lifetime of Equipment.

              During my time at Newcastle Poly (as it was), it was mooted to call it the County University of Newcastle upon Tyne. Allegedly they had one print run of the headed paper 'til some one saw the initials...

          2. Anonymous Coward
            Anonymous Coward

            Re: Association of Servicepeople for Software and Hardware Over the Lifetime of Equipment.

            City University of Manchester

        2. Andytug

          Re: Association of Servicepeople for Software and Hardware Over the Lifetime of Equipment.

          Many years ago, after every department but IT had changed their name at least once that year, we sugested many rude acronym names for our department. I did win with an acroymn for CLITORIS (Computer Literacy, Information Technology, Original Research & Infrastructure Support) but then said in our managers meeting it would be no good as half the office woudn't be able to find us....

        3. Doctor Syntax Silver badge

          Re: Association of Servicepeople for Software and Hardware Over the Lifetime of Equipment.

          "At my first job after Uni at what was then the Inland Revenue there was an idea to have specialist teams to deal with Appeals, Reviews, and the Self Employed. It actually happened but they did alter the order of the categories."

          Reviews, Appeals & The Self-employed?

      2. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: Association of Servicepeople for Software and Hardware Over the Lifetime of Equipment.

        Extremely highly-regarded and well-respected by clients, s.o. and colleagues are currently threatening to quit because manglement wants to rename their department and the resulting acronym would either be SHIDT or SHIT. Can't write it out in full because that would make it too recognisable. If someone doesn't see sense soon you may well see the story in the news...

      3. Democrab

        Re: Association of Servicepeople for Software and Hardware Over the Lifetime of Equipment.

        I know of a university which changed its name to "Federation University", and when people started making light of the abbreviation of that they sent a letter out to all students saying it was "Federation University Australia".

        Naturally, now everyone calls it "Eff Yew Australia".

  5. Pete 2 Silver badge

    You don't have to be mad to work here

    > "But I am certified

    I have worked with a few people like that. At least, ones who should have been.

  6. M.V. Lipvig Silver badge

    Almost lost my coffee here

    "That's how long the toner cartridge diet lasts, is it?"

    "That's one way of looking at it."

    1. Korev Silver badge
      Coat

      Re: Almost lost my coffee here

      You could say it's their staple diet...

  7. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    "The one set by the Association of Servicepeople for Software and Hardware Over the Lifetime of Equipment."

    Shirley he meant "Association of Servicepeople for Software and Hardware Over the Lifetime of Equipment Status."

  8. that one in the corner Silver badge
    Coffee/keyboard

    That description of a double blind test

    caused much mirth with Dr Mrs Corner (after she asked what had caused the sudden outburst).

    It will be duly reused, upcycled and generally made good use of, as much as we can get away with.

  9. BebopWeBop
    Devil

    Of course another one of the subtler jokes is of course that nutritionists (sometimes confused with dieticians in the UK) are not regulated in any way at all (dieticians are).

    1. Yet Another Anonymous coward Silver badge

      When 'financial advisors' became a registered profession the banks began making their salespeople "financial advisers'

  10. Bebu
    Devil

    Useful to know.

    《Of course another one of the subtler jokes is of course that nutritionists (sometimes confused with dieticians in the UK) are not regulated in any way at all (dieticians are).》

    So I put on a Nutitionalist's hat to advise gullible whales to consume used button cells (batteries) as an effective and somewhat faster way of losing those extra llbs/Kgs than the now discredited Toner diet?

    What scares me is that there enough Darwin Award nominees out there to land me in serious trouble if I were to somehow find my way to espouse this nonsense to a weight loss social media group.

  11. Anonymous Anti-ANC South African Coward Silver badge

    Monday Acronym spotting (after a week's leave)

    I noticed it straightaway.

    "The one set by the Association of Servicepeople for Software and Hardware Over the Lifetime of Equipment."

    Beautiful.

  12. NITS

    Souh Lake Union Trolley

    The South Lake Union Trolley is a light-rail transit line in the Seattle, Washington metropolitan area. According to Google, the last name was officially changed to "streetcar" after the acronym was noticed, but the word was already out.

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