back to article Mark Zuckerberg would kick Elon Musk's ass, experts say

It's been quite a week for billionaires doing ill-considered things, but let's not stop with touring the Titanic in a tin can because Elon Musk and Mark Zuckerberg could be on course to clash in a "cage match." There's no love lost between the Twitter and Meta kingpins especially now that the latter is said to be developing a …

  1. abend0c4 Silver badge

    So who would win?

    If they lock the cage and throw away the key, we all would.

    1. msknight
      Pint

      Re: So who would win?

      Have a beer. That made me chuckle.

    2. b0llchit Silver badge
      Mushroom

      Re: So who would win?

      I'd say, add some gasoline and matches too. Alternative is to recreate -->Icon with more firm measures.

      I don't like them whining when locked in the cage. Better to end it quickly and with some assured finality.

      1. Wellyboot Silver badge

        Re: So who would win?

        Two men enter, one man leave!

        1. b0llchit Silver badge

          Re: So who would win?

          Two men enter, no one leaves!

          FTFY (Simply the Best)

    3. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: So who would win?

      If it's going to be for charity, could they make it tag-team with Drumph as well?

    4. BOFH in Training

      Re: So who would win?

      I would like them both to kick the snot out of each other and both ko together.

      That would be worth even paying for it.

    5. The Man Who Fell To Earth Silver badge
      Devil

      Re: So who would win?

      At a minimum, the Twitter and Facebook domains should be rendered unresolvable the week of the match. Just so these two can concentrate on their upcoming match. They can afford the revenue loss.

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: So who would win?

        In the case of Twitter, what revenue?

    6. deadlockvictim

      More on Twitter

      If Mark Zuckerberg wants to beat Elon Musk, he should use what extraordinary strength he has, namely, financial.

      He should buy Twitter and turn it into a platform that shits heavily on Musk (or even just reports the truth about him).

      That would irritate the fuck out of Musk. Also a 'woke' Twitter would cause few blood vessels to be burst too (woke as defined, naturally, by Musk).

      With any luck he might also bring down Twitter & Meta with it. One can only dream.

      1. gnasher729 Silver badge

        Re: More on Twitter

        Obviously Zuckerberg cannot buy Twitter unless Musk is willing to sell.

  2. Alien Doctor 1.1

    I really hope...

    ...they kill each other.

    I know I will probably be down voted for the sentiment, to be brutally honest I don't give a damn.

    1. Doctor Syntax Silver badge

      Re: I really hope...

      It doesn't even matter if they're in the same cage.

  3. Elongated Muskrat Silver badge
    Thumb Up

    AvP

    The tag-line to "Alien vs Predator" as "Whoever wins, we lose".

    This is the converse; whoever loses, we win, as long as they both knock seven shades of *%^& out of each other in the process.

  4. JDX Gold badge

    Iron Man

    Elon is probably thinking he'll Tony Stark it and wear a robotic armoured suit. But having seen their android is a person wearing an android costume, my money is still on Mark.

    1. aerogems Silver badge
      Coffee/keyboard

      Re: Iron Man

      According to one of his own tweets, his strategy is to basically fall on Zuckerberg and pin him under his weight. Given jujutsu is all about close-quarters unarmed combat, I don't think that will work out too well for Twitler, but it won't make it any less entertaining to watch!

      1. Orv Silver badge

        Re: Iron Man

        The first televised MMA tournament ever involved a sumo wrestler as one of the contestants. He did not reach the final round. It's really hard for sheer force to beat someone who's agile and knows what they're doing.

  5. Howard Sway Silver badge

    he starts his day with octopus, a bowl of ice cream, eight oatmeal biscuits, and a donut

    As this story is one of completely immature behaviour by grown adults, I'm just going to say that I hope to see them slam each other so hard they both go down, just before Musk pukes up a half digested tentacle.

    1. Elongated Muskrat Silver badge

      Re: he starts his day with octopus, a bowl of ice cream, eight oatmeal biscuits, and a donut

      His blood glucose curve must be horrific. If he's not yet diabetic, he'll almost certainly be pre-diabetic, but never mind about that, the heart attack or stroke will probably get him first from his blood fat content (I'm willing to bet that "ice cream" is a luxury brand and heavy on the cream).

      On the other hand, octopus is both tasty and not that bad for you. I wonder how many you have to eat before Cthulhu comes for you, though?

      1. Arthur the cat Silver badge

        Re: he starts his day with octopus, a bowl of ice cream, eight oatmeal biscuits, and a donut

        octopus is both tasty and not that bad for you. I wonder how many you have to eat before Cthulhu comes for you, though?

        When eating cephalopods I like to think of it as worshipping The Tentacled One without having to learn all those pesky throat mangling consonant combinations. Ph'nglui mglw'nafh *cough* *splutter* …

        [We need an icon for Cosmic Horrors. Maybe a Capita contract boilerplate?]

        1. Elongated Muskrat Silver badge

          Re: he starts his day with octopus, a bowl of ice cream, eight oatmeal biscuits, and a donut

          I certainly feel more guilty when eating cephalopods than when eating chicken or even beef; some of them are remarkably intelligent, you wouldn't see a cow working out how to open a jar and remove items from inside, and the chicken would just try to fight its own reflection. However, this is tempered by just how delicious they actually are, so it's a toughie. Even though some of them may well be more intelligent than Musk, nutritionally, they'd be much better for me than eating saggy billionaire.

          1. jmch Silver badge

            Re: he starts his day with octopus, a bowl of ice cream, eight oatmeal biscuits, and a donut

            "I certainly feel more guilty when eating cephalopod... “

            That's why I have heavily cut back on eating octopus myself...

            " just how delicious they actually are"

            And that's why I have just cut back rather than stopped altogether

            1. Blazde Silver badge

              Re: he starts his day with octopus, a bowl of ice cream, eight oatmeal biscuits, and a donut

              That's why I have heavily cut back on eating octopus myself...

              I've basically stopped eating octopus since the only meat I'm eating is from animals I've beaten at hide-and-go-seek myself

          2. Anonymous Coward
            Anonymous Coward

            Re: he starts his day with octopus, a bowl of ice cream, eight oatmeal biscuits, and a donut

            > "cephalopods than when eating chicken or even beef; some of them are remarkably intelligent"

            Not this one, he spent all his money on scratch-off lottery tickets.

            1. Elongated Muskrat Silver badge
              Facepalm

              Re: he starts his day with octopus, a bowl of ice cream, eight oatmeal biscuits, and a donut

              Damn you, I know that reference, but can't think where from. Futurama?

              1. Screepy

                Re: he starts his day with octopus, a bowl of ice cream, eight oatmeal biscuits, and a donut

                I wasn't a big octopus eater but growing up on the coast, I ate my fair share.

                Watched My Octopus Teacher a few years back.

                No chance I can eat another one.

                I know it was heavily anthropomorphised but there's still no way I can eat one again. There is just a little bit too much 'intelligence' there for me.

              2. David 132 Silver badge
                Boffin

                Re: he starts his day with octopus, a bowl of ice cream, eight oatmeal biscuits, and a donut

                Yep. Futurama. Season 2, episode 18, "The Problem With Popplers", at the 20m40s mark.

                I'm scared that I know this.

              3. Jamesit

                Re: he starts his day with octopus, a bowl of ice cream, eight oatmeal biscuits, and a donut

                It was Futurama and dolphin not an octopus. :-)

    2. Ian Mason

      Re: he starts his day with octopus, a bowl of ice cream, eight oatmeal biscuits, and a donut

      > just before Musk pukes up a half digested tentacle.

      So you're expecting Musk to bite off bits of Zuckerberg?

  6. Plest Silver badge
    Facepalm

    Oh dear...

    You can basically smell the testerone from here! Two huge tech titans and giant nerds basically yelling, "Yeah well my Dad's bigger than your Dad!". FFS!

    Reminds of Pete on the Friends TV show from the 1990s, where a tech billionaire decides to take up UFC style cage fighting, trains with an ex-assassin ( played by the superb James Hong ) and basically he's so unfit and useless he gets his arse handed to him.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Oh dear...

      Not that much testosterone from the stats - one overweight (an estrogen factory) and the other 70kg i.e. about the weight of an early teens boy.

  7. Fruit and Nutcase Silver badge
    Alert

    Clash of the Titans?

    Elon Musk and Mark Zuckerberg could be on course to clash in a "cage match."

    "Placing both titans in a cage..."

  8. Fruit and Nutcase Silver badge
    Coat

    Who's who?

    Musk and Zuckerberg,

    The Big Daddy and Giant Haystacks of the IT bros

    1. Fruit and Nutcase Silver badge
      Coat

      Re: Who's who?

      Mr Musk, who turns 52 later this month, also tweeted: "I have this great move that I call 'The Walrus', where I just lie on top of my opponent & do nothing."

      https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/business-65981876

      That would make Musk's Giant Haystacks to Zuckerberg's Big Daddy

  9. Someone Else Silver badge

    Hard to find someone to root for here. That said, there will be popcorn.

  10. aerogems Silver badge
    Big Brother

    Let's make it more interesting

    Loser of the fight has to give up control of their respective social media platform. Never again posting any content or having any input on day-to-day operations. Any and all violations will result in a $100K fine to be paid to a charity for some group they despise. So in the case of Twitler, he'd have to give money to an LGBTQ+ charity, and I'm sure we could find something for Zuck. They also wouldn't be allowed to deduct the donation from their tax liabilities. They can retain their respective stakes in each company, but they're just not allowed to be employed by either company in any capacity.

    No matter who wins the fight, we all win. And the fact that Twitler is likely to be zucked just means we win in the best possible way.

    1. Flocke Kroes Silver badge

      Re: Let's make it more interesting

      I would expect Zuckerberg has enough sense not to agree any kind of bet with Musk. Even if the contract is completely air-tight Musk will piss, moan and whine for months while delaying discovery. The only way to win that fight is to do a Twitter: spend Twitter resources on the litigation so Musk picked up the bill when he finally capitulated and bought Twitter (with a pile of legal expenses he/Twitter is trying not to pay).

    2. Fruit and Nutcase Silver badge

      Re: Let's make it more interesting

      Best of 3 bouts - winner takes all

    3. aregross

      Re: Let's make it more interesting

      Even *more* interesting would be if the warmup bout was MTG v Lauren Browbeater

  11. DubyaG
    Mushroom

    I remember

    What?! This would be fodder for Celebrity Deathmatch. I'd pay to see that.

  12. Charlie Clark Silver badge

    This is apparently what the world has sunk to

    It's not going to happen but, if it did, the nastiest and most aggressive would probably win. Get high on adrenaline and cheat, so my money would be on Musk. OTOH throw away the key and turn out the lights.

    1. Steve Button Silver badge

      Re: This is apparently what the world has sunk to

      I used to think that until I did kickboxing. Young lads in 20s who had obviously hit the gym would take one look at me in my 30s and 40s (slim and not very muscled back then) and think it would be easy. I used to win every time, as I'd been doing it for years. It's all about experience and skills.

      Pretty similar with BJJ, which mostly beats kickboxing in MMA. Zuck would whip his arse.

      1. Charlie Clark Silver badge

        Re: This is apparently what the world has sunk to

        Your forgot the cheating bit.

        1. Elongated Muskrat Silver badge

          Re: This is apparently what the world has sunk to

          Your average cage fight has very few rules (I think maybe "don't kill your opponent," and "don't go for the eyes or groin"), so it's pretty hard to cheat. To be honest, if they start breaking the rules, which are mostly about not making it into a deathmatch, I'm not too bothered.

          1. Anonymous Coward
            Anonymous Coward

            Re: This is apparently what the world has sunk to

            PEDs.

  13. Lars
    Joke

    Brats competing

    It's the size and number of yachts, sail and no sail, that will determine the winner and those two brats have nothing in comparison to the Amazone.

    I have to go with the "Joke alert" although..

  14. Steve Button Silver badge

    Musk is said to be 5'11" and weighs around 81kg.

    Is he bollocks? Is this on Mars or on Earth?

    I'm about 5' 10" and 75 kg and much much slimmer than that white whale

    1. Elongated Muskrat Silver badge

      Re: Musk is said to be 5'11" and weighs around 81kg.

      Yeah, I'm a couple of inches shorter than that, a few years younger, and weigh something in that region, and I'm quite slightly built (apart from the middle-age spread, which, from the pictures I've seen, Musk suffers from more than I do). I reckon we can probably add about 25kg onto that "estimate".

      but then again, Musk is "said to be" a genius, which goes to show exactly how much weight hearsay carries (pun intended).

    2. MiguelC Silver badge

      Re: Musk is said to be 5'11" and weighs around 81kg.

      Fat is lighter than muscle, but not that lighter!

    3. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Musk is said to be 5'11" and weighs around 81kg.

      I'm 5'9, 110kg, and I'm a lot slimmer than Musk.

      I'm a Rugby player, though.

    4. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Musk is said to be 5'11" and weighs around 81kg.

      That doesn't sound right. I'm slimmer than Musk and the same height. I vary between 105-110 kg and I'm no mass monster. Does he have osteoporosis?

  15. cornetman Silver badge
    Happy

    I think the commentards are taking this waaayyyy too seriously. It's just banter. I think it's quite funny actually. I'd like to see more of these light-hearted exchanges. The world has so much heart-breaking shit going on in it at the moment. Let's not make stuff up.

    I think El Reg has the right measure of snark and humour in this instance.

  16. Orv Silver badge

    I humbly suggest a submarine building and diving contest, where the person who goes deepest before they chicken out wins.

  17. Strahd Ivarius Silver badge
    Devil

    Can we have them fighting...

    ...in a shrinking cage?

    With the same interior padding as an "iron maiden"?

  18. DS999 Silver badge

    This reminds me of the end of Avengers: Endgame

    "Oh yes! Please, use knives!"

  19. Sudosu Bronze badge

    Zuck for the win.

    After launching his attack with his battle cry of "Kill all humans!" I think Musk would be done.

  20. PhilipN Silver badge

    Money on Elon

    Nothing to do with physicality.

    Many will recall how Butch Cassidy took out a pretender to leadership of the Hole in the Wall Gang in a nanosecond with one well placed kick.

    1. Elongated Muskrat Silver badge

      Re: Money on Elon

      Butch Cassidy was clearly written as an intelligent man, who would work around the "rules" to his advantage.

      Musk is a rich kid, who thinks having enough money to buy clever people makes him a genius.

      There's no comparison.

  21. that one in the corner Silver badge

    "Threads"

    "For all your post-apocalyptic social media needs."

    Very much the first thing that came to mind when I read that name; for anyone who isn't BBC watcher of a certain age: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Threads_(1984_film)

    1. Elongated Muskrat Silver badge

      Re: "Threads"

      Actually watched that for the first time a few weeks ago. My school wasn't one of the ones where they wheeled the telly out in front of the whole class and traumatised the kids with it, but I know plenty of people who did have that inflicted on them.

      Also made a visit to Kelvedon Hatch earlier in the year, and I'm now firmly of the opinion now that I'd prefer to be in the blast zone than take the option of slow death underground...

      1. Stephen Wilkinson

        Re: "Threads"

        My school was one of them. Yes, I still try to block it out!

  22. Kevin McMurtrie Silver badge

    Pride of the strong and stupid

    Products hard. Destroy opponent! Fight to win!

  23. Winkypop Silver badge

    Musk would win

    His preamble speech would render Zuckerborg unconscious.

  24. Fazal Majid

    Considering Twitter has never been profitable, a better question is why would anyone bother cloning it?

  25. Dr Fidget

    Willy waving

    Why don't they just post the length of their dicks?

    1. Elongated Muskrat Silver badge

      Re: Willy waving

      According to the article, the dicks are 5'11" and 5'7".

  26. Jedit Silver badge
    Trollface

    Apparently the fight is off

    Musk's mum told him that he wasn't allowed to fight today. And I'm not actually joking.

    Pity, really. As a FOAF said, they could have billed the fight as The Taint because it was between a pussy and an asshole.

  27. MJI Silver badge

    Does Musk have a donkey to kick?

    Or just his white cat?

  28. IGotOut Silver badge

    Really

    Musk has arranged the time, but ultimately will fail to show, saying he never actually meant it, but if he must, he'll send someone else. If he wins, it's because he is the one that trained him. If he loses, they'll just get fired.

    Zuck will turn up and walk through he crowd shaking hands, whilst removing the wallets and purses with the other. He will say the fight was all his idea and no one else was involved.

    Ultimately it will be like the two blokes in the street that rip off their shirts shouting "c'mon then" over and over until their tiny trophy girlfriends grab them by the ear and drag them away.

  29. Ashto5

    Won’t they both just out source it?

    Neither would turn up

POST COMMENT House rules

Not a member of The Register? Create a new account here.

  • Enter your comment

  • Add an icon

Anonymous cowards cannot choose their icon

Other stories you might like