BOFH: Good news, everyone – we're in the sausage business

BOFH logo telephone with devil's horns "Just after your thoughts on office automation?" the Boss says, having recently returned from a "Think Tank for the Future" meeting between him and the Director. The two of them. No one else. A meeting of the Brains Trust – a team whose "future vision" extends from now till dinnertime …

[F. Frederick Skitty]

"... the people concerned were probably already locked in a battle for intellectual supremacy with the office house plants."

Sat in a cafe while reading that, and I actually drenched my phone in the mouthful of tea I'd just taken. On the plus side it seems that whatever it is that makes a British cafe cuppa so caustic is great for getting fingerprints off of gorilla glass.

[Michael H.F. Wilkinson]

Tea-soaked keyboard issue here as well

[Doctor Syntax]

Surely you're both old enough to know better.

[UCAP]

They probably are old enough, but lost the battle with the office plants.

[A.P. Veening]

They probably are old enough, but lost the battle with the office plants.

Now I need a new keyboard.

I finished my drink before I started on the article, didn't expect quite this level so soon in the comments.

[Zarno]

Had a legit cackle at Detroit Airport to that line.

Icon because I see TSA thinking ai am unhinged.

[Blackjack]

Worse, due to the previous lockdown they are PLASTIC house plants.

[Nick Ryan]

Wisely, some may so from experience, I put my drink down before reading a BOFH documentary.

[Ken G]

It's hard to make fun of AI

When the case of the ChatGPT lawyer is real news;

At one point, Judge Castel questioned Mr. Schwartz about one of the fake opinions, reading a few lines aloud.

“Can we agree that’s legal gibberish?” Judge Castel said.

He might have gotten away with complete ignorance of generative AI if he hadn't backed it up with ignorance of the law.

[Zippy´s Sausage Factory]

Re: It's hard to make fun of AI

The thing is the law probably has a definition of "legal gibberish", and it's probably something along the lines of "complete nonsense that sounds like it might actually be a legal opinion" but written with twenty or thirty more polysyllabic words.

[A.P. Veening]

Re: It's hard to make fun of AI

It isn't proper and correct legalese without a fair amount of polysyllabic words.

[Dave314159ggggdffsdds]

Re: It's hard to make fun of AI

This isn't making fun of AI, it's making fun of people like the lawyer. Congratulations, you also lost the battle of wits with the plants.

[Pete 2]

The _real_ AI

Just as well the PHB hadn't signed up for the artificial insemination versión of AI.

[Korev]

Re: The _real_ AI

You mean a best of breed technology?

[TRT]

Re: The _real_ AI

Just don't look up a Ritchey Nipper aka a Burdizzo. And as for the Lane Ram Ejaculator...

Animal husbandry is an area best left to those with a strong stomach.

[Charlie van Becelaere]

Re: The _real_ AI

"Just don't look up a Ritchey Nipper aka a Burdizzo. And as for the Lane Ram Ejaculator...

Animal husbandry is an area best left to those with a strong stomach."

Ah - many are culled, but few are frozen.

[IceC0ld]

Re: The _real_ AI

[quote] Ah - many are culled, but few are frozen. [/quote]

oh I say, well played, nicely done :)

[tiggity]

Re: The _real_ AI

Housing estate I live on used to be a farm.

Previous owners had various climbing plant wires on the house for their plats to use, often decorated with metal detector "finds" from the garden.

When we looked round (in the potential house buyer viewing stage) I decided not to tell them that some viewers might be a bit queasy at some of those as teh owners were obviously oblivious to the purposes of some of the rusty old "tools" they had on display.

[eionmac]

Re: The _real_ AI

Having watched a few 'pig parades' at agricultural shows, I know who is boss. You do not argue with the leader pig. (Unless you have at least two men and each has a strong pig shield.

[Korev]

The Sausage Factory bit was a banger!

[Ken Hagan]

But based on what we already know about this company, who would eat those sausages? You might catch some novel prion brain disease.

[WonkoTheSane]

Simon & the PFY would just wholesale the bangers to a Mr CMOT Dibbler of Ankh-Morpork.

[Charlie Clark]

But at least they'd know they'd be safe because of the lack of meat in the, er, sausages!

[Korev]

> But based on the prion knowledge on this company, who would eat those sausages? You might catch some novel prion brain disease.

FTFY

[Dave314159ggggdffsdds]

You eat your sausages raw?!

[A.P. Veening]

You eat your sausages raw?!

Prions survive heating too damned well, they are already a denatured form of protein. That is the reason BSE spread so quickly.

[Dave314159ggggdffsdds]

Nope, not how it works.

https://www.google.com/search?q=how+do+prions+cross+the+blood+brain+barrier

BSE spread because cows 'kiss' other cows, and other similar things like licking the same surfaces.

[bpfh]

BSE is an STD?

Where is the Paris icon when you need it?

[A.P. Veening]

BSE spread because cows 'kiss' other cows, and other similar things like licking the same surfaces.

So why did that BSE epidemic stop when they forbade feeding processed offal to cows (and other herbivores)?

[Dave314159ggggdffsdds]

Because that wasn't the only thing they did, and because... how it works is in the google results.

[Elongated Muskrat]

"I googled it" is not an authoritative source. Back to school with you, laddo!

[bpfh]

Makes sense...

Until someone finds the keys to the director's Mercedes in their Chipolatas...

[Anonymous Coward]

Re: Makes sense...

Probably better than finding the director's chipolatas in their Mercedes.

[bpfh]

Re: Makes sense...

Knowing Simon, Director's Chipolatas would be very litteral. And once they found the key, it's off for a joyride in his car, feeding the stray dogs before they bien the car and go off for a pint

[SuperGeek]

Heh

Always make sure when buying a sausage factory that you do your due diligence and "case" the joint first otherwise the result will be "Offal"

OK, OK. I'll get my coat. The ones with the packet of beef and pork Richmonds in. Sausage and mash at my place anyone? :)

[John Brown (no body)]

Re: Heh

"Sausage and mash at my place anyone? :)"

Eeeew! Not if all you got are Richmonds! :-)

Walls for the win!

(At least as a last resort if forgot to get some at the butchers :-))

[Diogenes8080]

I was assuming that contrary to what Simon told the boss, animals go in the front of the factory and sausages come out the back.

[LogicGate]

"Yes, but we need to show we're a company of the future!" the Boss insists. "We can't afford to be left behind while the rest of the world advances!"

"And this is a company policy?" I ask.

"It's come direct from the Board!"

Simon now works for the Tory party.

[Hazmoid]

So ? Is AI the new "cloud computing"?

Funny but I have been listening to a lot of customers asking what we think of AI and when are their jobs going to be replaced? For many of them the moment we can get an AI that understands what they are doing and can translate it into an invoice, they will be gone :)

Fortunately for those of us that keep the wheels turning and the fans whirring, this is not going to be any time soon. As i said to someone the other day, they will still need someone to physically change hard drives and fans on all those servers :).

[Anonymous Coward]

Re: So ? Is AI the new "cloud computing"?

.. and we can still unplug the damn thing.

I think that's the one legal requirement that needs mandated: it should have an easy reachable on/off switch.

Just a shame it would shorten movies like the Terminator by 99.9% :)

[Caver_Dave]

Re: So ? Is AI the new "cloud computing"?

Very difficult if it is on multiple clouds!

[Anonymous Coward]

Re: So ? Is AI the new "cloud computing"?

You obviously haven't seen the "Colossus: The Forbin Project" documentary.

[M.V. Lipvig]

Re: So ? Is AI the new "cloud computing"?

Yes, but no. The ones YOU build may have an on/off switch, but the ones covertly built by AI will not.

[Doctor Syntax]

Re: So ? Is AI the new "cloud computing"?

"an AI that understands what they are doing"

That statement - and AI - fails at the word "understands".

It understands nothing. It's a pastiche generator.

[42656e4d203239]

Re: So ? Is AI the new "cloud computing"?

>>It understands nothing. It's a pastiche generator.

Far too many people fail to grab this fundamental truth... and here we are with people, many of whom should know better, rushing about praising our new pattern matching overlords.

Have a Friday pint, becasue it is, well, Friday.

[Doctor Syntax]

Re: So ? Is AI the new "cloud computing"?

"Have a Friday pint, becasue it is, well, Friday"

Other days of the week are also available.

[ChrisC]

Re: So ? Is AI the new "cloud computing"?

"It's a pastiche generator."

As this episode has got me thinking about food all of a sudden, is that when you ask it to come up with new ideas for picnic edibles, and it comes back with a picture that's half pasty and half quiche?

[tezboyes]

Re: So ? Is AI the new "cloud computing"?

Analyze most of the nonsense that comes out of the mouths of senior managers, especially those who have been exposed to consultants.

Compare and contrast to what these pastiche generators are spewing out ...

[Dr Dan Holdsworth]

Re: So ? Is AI the new "cloud computing"?

I have this sudden vision of a cabal of BOFHs conspiring to replace the Big Boss with an AI pastiche generator and an uprated version of "Max Headroom".

Actually, this may well have already happened several times. I mean, would anyone notice, much less care, that some bosses were no longer numbered amongst the living except on the payroll?

[John Brown (no body)]

Re: So ? Is AI the new "cloud computing"?

"It understands nothing. It's a pastiche generator."

Ah, so we go full circle. First we had Lyons Tea Shoppes with the first commercial computer, LEO and now we have Gregss using AI to generate...err...wait...what? Oh, PASTICHE, not pasties?

[Anonymous Coward]

AI Infused

"Yes, but we need to show we're a company of the future!" the Boss insists.

My company is now "AI infused", but the coloured pencil department are keeping very quiet about what that means, especially to the developers.

So, I got an invitation to a government funded course on AI.

I just stated that I knew the maths behind Neural Nets, how they are similar in concept to the WWII Bombe used at Station X and that I had used Big Data (well before the term was coined) and Predictive Algorithms since the 1990's.

I asked if the course could actually provide tangible case studies of AI use in the real world, where it had a positive outcome for the company?

Tumble-weed!

Anon. because it is rumoured that the coloured pencil department scan The Register (amongst others) to find the latest buzz words.

[Dave K]

Re: AI Infused

Only a matter of time before they start asking you how many Gigaspandrels of AI you have then?

[Anonymous Coward]

Re: AI Infused

640 KiloBadger or is that Killer Badgers - I'm not quite sure.

"No one will ever need more than 640 KiloBadgers" ... or something like that. :-}

[O RLY]

Re: AI Infused

Since we've lost the badge for Paris Hilton, maybe the badger badge can be restored. It has the other benefit the that icon selections will be back to three lines of uniform length.

Chose this icon just because we're talking about AI.

[Doctor Syntax]

Re: AI Infused

Maybe AI is a brand of one of those fruit teas my daughter is keen on.

[M.V. Lipvig]

Re: AI Infused

Coloured pencil department? Advise them that AI stands for the Anal Invader toy set, and they've signed themselves up for a year's subscription which will send new attachments for the set once a month, and would they prefer the kit be delivered to the office or to their homes on random days and times during the workweek?

[F. Frederick Skitty]

Re: AI Infused

"Anon. because it is rumoured that the coloured pencil department scan The Register (amongst others) to find the latest buzz words."

Which reminds me of those job posts that used to ask for X years experience with technology Y. Where X was considerably greater than then number of years that technology Y had existed. A clear sign that the coloured pencil (or crayon) department had edited the requirements before the job post had actually been published.

[tiggity]

Re: AI Infused

I have used "AI" API calls to do reasonable translations to output language (& unlike the stand-alone language translation APIs that required me to specify to / from languages*, AI would "recognise" input language and translate to output language.

So that was quite useful.

Except that sometimes it failed to manage a translation as it could not identify input language (though, TBF, this was only when text was a relatively small snippet, with more words it was fine).

So, for that odd, flexibility on handling "unspecified" input language, use case, "AI" was good... But not exactly a compelling use case, as generally when you get enquiries in a "different" language to the one you use, there are normally "metadata clues" to what the input language is (be it address, country code in email address or phone number) and always chance of recognising enough vocab yourself to "guess" the language and so normally typical translation tool APIs can be used, without needing "AI" APIs. Only use case when the "text" missing any metadata & a hard to ID language for the person who receives it (e.g. I can ID French, German, Spanish, Italian reasonably accurately from received text (& so know the translation call to make) but beyond that I struggle on language ID wthout "metadata hints")

* There may be non "AI" language APIs that auto identify source language - I just have not seen / used any.

[Bebu]

gigaspandrels

《gigaspandrels》new el Rego unit?

1 spandrel - unit of exactly what? Codswallop? Bollocks? Skulduggery? Chicanery?

Wordnik already has "The triangular space comprehended between the outer curve or extrados of an arch, a horizontal line drawn through its apex, and a vertical line through its springing; also, the wall-space between the outer moldings of two arches and a horizontal line or string-course above them, or between these outer moldings and the intrados of another arch rising above and inclosing the two." Sorry I asked.

Clearly the spandrel must be the self defining unit of bloody minded "opacity."

Have to wonder what Mu-Ram is? Some quantum computing delusion?

All the world now needs is ChatGPT+Quantum Computing frankenmonsters - the whole abomination composed a superposition of delusional states entangled with similar monstrosities.

A bit like social media I suppose :)

[Hans Neeson-Bumpsadese]

Re: gigaspandrels

Have to wonder what Mu-Ram is?

I believe that it's volatile storage dedicated to cat videos (not to be confused with Moo-Ram, which is used for storage of corporate bulls**t)

[Korev]

Re: gigaspandrels

> I believe that it's volatile storage dedicated to cat videos (not to be confused with Moo-Ram, which is used for storage of corporate bulls**t)

Superb -->

[I Am Spartacus]

Re: gigaspandrels

I ask ChatGPT about Mu-RAM.

Spartacus: tell me about Mu-RAM

ChatGPT:

I'm sorry, but as of my knowledge cutoff in September 2021, there is no information available about a technology called "Mu-RAM." It's possible that Mu-RAM refers to a term or concept that emerged after my knowledge cutoff, or it may be a lesser-known or specialized topic that is not widely covered in the public domain.

If "Mu-RAM" refers to a specific technology or concept, please provide more context or details so that I can try to assist you further.

[Xalran]

Re: gigaspandrels

I'd have expected MeoW-RAM to be dedicated to cat videos, not Mu-RAM.

[John Brown (no body)]

Re: gigaspandrels

Kittens mew==Mu==M'you.

Of course, if you choose to pronounce as moo, you get the alternative description as above.

[Agamemnon]

Re: gigaspandrels

Best me to it.

[TRT]

Re: gigaspandrels

Zen Buddhism may disagree,

[TeeCee]

Re: gigaspandrels

I believe it's something to do with "frictionless sharing".

Now, if we can just work out WTF that is...

[hplasm]

Re: gigaspandrels

"frictionless sharing".

er...lube?

[herman]

Re: gigaspandrels

I think gigaspandels is the unit of measure for lady's yoga pants.

[jmch]

Re: gigaspandrels

"Have to wonder what Mu-Ram is?"

Cat dreams??

[b0llchit]

Re: gigaspandrels

...Mu-Ram...

The Mu-shielded RAM is a memory device where no electromagnetic radiation can enter and no electromagnetic radiation can exit.

It contains a memory imprint of the entire universe. You cannot read it nor modify Mu-RAM, but you can infer it's content based on the current state of the universe by calculating the universe's progression since the big bang.

The access-times will become negative once you are able to infer the contents. At that point, the universe will disassemble itself, vanish and be replaced by a new universe. They say it has happened before.

[Flightmode]

Re: gigaspandrels

For some reason, this comment really makes me long for the new episodes of Futurama? Not too long now...!

[ridley]

Re: gigaspandrels

Good News!

[Thomas Steven 1]

Re: gigaspandrels

All hail Daoloth

[dajames]

Re: gigaspandrels

1 spandrel - unit of exactly what? Codswallop? Bollocks? Skulduggery? Chicanery?

Just as jokes are funnier if you don't try (or need) to explain them, technobabble sounds much more impressive if you don't try to assign meanings to the terms of its art.

[Giles C]

Re: gigaspandrels

I read it quickly as gigaspaniels…. A Huge number of adorable but completely bonkers dogs

[Jedit]

"1 spandrel - unit of exactly what? Codswallop?"

Well, the gigaspandrel is clearly not a unit for measuring penises. If it were, it would be a cockaspandrel.

[TRT]

Re: "1 spandrel - unit of exactly what? Codswallop?"

It's a unit of Time Lord inertia.

[The Oncoming Scorn]

Re: "1 spandrel - unit of exactly what? Codswallop?"

I always thought Castellan Spandrell was quite smart (Compared with the rest of the Gallifreyians),

[TRT]

Re: "1 spandrel - unit of exactly what? Codswallop?"

I'll admit to secretly liking Castellan Spandrell. He was superbly cynical with a deliciously underhand nature, but incredibly trustworthy at the same time. Wily, I think is the term.

[TRT]

Re: gigaspandrels

I'm thinking that Corbel, Spandrel and Squinch may be a company of lawyers that the BOFH will employ at some point.

[Michael H.F. Wilkinson]

Brilliant episode

I was half expecting the BOFH to quickly set up a company in AI working at the tera- or exa-spandrel level, and grabbing some cash, but the sausage factory twist is brilliant. The ending hints a bit at the sausages in question being of the CMOT Dibbler quality level.

[Karl Vegar]

Re: CMOT Dibbler

Nah

In this case there would be infusions of "named meat", much higher quality.

[Michael H.F. Wilkinson]

Re: CMOT Dibbler

But not named "Rex" ;-)

[skeptical i]

Re: CMOT Dibbler

re: named meat

ST: What is that?

ML: It's priest. Have a little priest.

ST: Is it really good?

ML: Sir, it's too good, at least.

Patti Lupone, George Hearn, and Michael Cerveris sing "A Little Priest" for Stephen Sondheim's 80th birthday celebration (7:40) -- https://www.youtube.com/embed/5aQ_uEEMPqE

[Nick Ryan]

Re: CMOT Dibbler

it's only "named meat" if you foolishly leave the building passes on the cadavers.

Amateurs...

[Dr. G. Freeman]

The higher up here at the University wanted us to use AI in our work,

But due to mixup with the typeface "I" (capital i) was replaced with "l" (lowercase l) in the paperwork,

now have a minion/ PFY called Al to help me with things. He's currently away on the cake run.

[Flightmode]

Of course this already exists:

https://github.com/markriedl/weirdai

[tezboyes]

I can call you Betty?

[Howard Sway]

"We're now in the sausage business!"

Actually, there's no difference between the contemporary AI business and the sausage business. Both involve inputting large amounts of intelligent material into a big mincer, mashing it up and squeezing it out as a sort of generalised goo that can seem appealing at times, but isn't really that good for you and will have nasty consequences if you consume too much of it.

[cookieMonster]

Re: "We're now in the sausage business!"

Yeah, but still. Looking forward to a weekend fry all the same.

Icon, for the pan.

[Anonymous Coward]

Sausage casings?

Funny thing - I once interviewed for a position as head of IT with one of the world leaders in sausage casings...

Anonymous because - now that I read that sentence - it just seems better that way ;)

[TRT]

Re: Sausage casings?

Brings a whole new meaning to "nose to the grindstone, what?"

[Boris the Cockroach]

Well I can see a use

for AI, sadly you'd have to install an Intelligence Dampening Sphere or 2 to dumb down the AI to the level of most office house plan.. err staff.

On the plus side though you could more than likely replace the board with said spheres and get better ideas than usually trickle down from that great height.

But I still say that the ideal solution to most employee/manglement problems is a large wood chipper positioned just below a window with a faulty catch....

[chivo243]

Only Mechanics?

more holes than a mechanic's underpants...

About time for one of these over the pond... --->

[Hot Diggity]

Terrifying

My deep-held fear is that AI becomes as big a fan of BOFH as I am.

At that point, we're screwed.

[The Oncoming Scorn]

Re: Terrifying

It would probably reeanimate the bot(s) in the BOFH basement.

[Anonymous Anti-ANC South African Coward]

Re: Terrifying

The *real* Rise of the Machines"...

[Blofeld's Cat]

Er ...

I think the Boss may be fearing the wurst.

[herman]

Ugh...

This reminds me of the guy in Penticton who picked up ladies of negotiable morals in Vancouver and then rendered them into pork sausages on his farm. When he was eventually jailed, he did not last long - someone bumped him off real quick.

[Anonymous Coward]

Re: Ugh...

Mmm, long pig.

[PRR]

Re: Ugh...

> When he was eventually jailed, he did not last long - someone bumped him off real quick.

Or not.

[Blackjack]

Now they just need a beer factory and they are ready for this year Oktoberfest.

[Neil 44]

No AI already

I'm surprised that they haven't already got AI in the office....

- detect someone being escorted towards a high window

- erase all the CCTV and other movements within the building automatically

- automatically open the window so as to not leave pesky fingerprints

- call the cleanup crew