back to article Fahrenheit to take over Celsius

New Jersey-based cryptocurrency lender Celsius Network has announced it will be bought by a consortium called Fahrenheit. Celsius filed for bankruptcy in July 2022 – a month after it froze all transactions, and at a time when the crypto sector was rocked by trouble at big players Terraform Labs and Binance. A late January …

  1. Norman Nescio Silver badge

    Byline

    This is where I wish Kelvin Mackenzie were on El Reg's staff, so the by-line would be "as reported by Kelvin".

    1. MyffyW Silver badge

      Re: Byline

      NOTE TO SELF: When I launch my cryptocurrency investment vehicle I must remember to name it after Monsieur Réaumur.

    2. kevin king

      Re: Byline

      Well, it could have been by Macquorn Rankine https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rankine_scale

    3. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Byline

      Perfect headline to rile up the "Reg is too US centric" crowd!

      1. John Brown (no body) Silver badge

        Re: Byline

        I must admit, when I first read the headline and initial paragraph or so, I was wondering at the convergence of the two company names and whether there may be some board members or c-level in common, ie a new company suddenly appears to take over a broken company, loosing most or all of the debt in the process. Of all the possible names of companies in the world, two crypto companies each named after the two most temperature scales, one buying out the other, just seems a little too coincidental.

  2. lglethal Silver badge
    Facepalm

    NewCo's management team, however, will receive $35 million per year in management fees.

    Nice work if you can get it...

    In what world does a company with an Asset register of €500 million, spend 7% of that EVERY year paying their management? And the Asset register is NOT an indicator of the actual profit that will be generated from those assets. I look forward to seeing how quickly the Management can strip all of the profits and a large amount of the assets before folding the company in a few years time. My guess is 3 years....

    1. katrinab Silver badge
      Megaphone

      Indeed. People managing real-money investments can typically expect to receive in the order of 0.5%-1% annual management fees.

    2. vtcodger Silver badge

      21st century finance

      "I look forward to seeing how quickly the Management can strip all of the profits and a large amount of the assets"

      Profits? Assets? This is cryptocurrency. You are applying 19th century concepts to 21st century finance.

      (Which is not to say that the management won't likely end up with a lot of physical assets that have somehow been acquired at the expense of those managed)

    3. Howard Sway Silver badge

      The purchase is contingent on a $10 million deposit and regulatory approval.

      So you put in $10 million to buy some crypto company that looks completely fraudulent due to massive broken "promises", and state that you intend to take out $35 million a year in "fees". And some regulator looks at this and decides it's all above board and approves it, because they presume that this business model can generate enough to cover the full deal, and the money will keep rolling in after news of its dodginess has emerged.

      How is this not a licence to swiftly extract another massive share of the money from the fools who invested in yet another worthless coin conjured from thin air before it all completely collapses?

      1. yetanotheraoc Silver badge

        Re: The purchase is contingent on a $10 million deposit and regulatory approval.

        Last coin holder (now "shareholder") to exit gets the privilege of paying the second year's $35 MM fee.

      2. TeeCee Gold badge

        Re: The purchase is contingent on a $10 million deposit and regulatory approval.

        Yes, but if the relevant regulatory authorities stopped taking fairy stories as fact, they'd be obliged to shut down all the cryptocurrency businesses. That action would spawn a whole slew of conspiracy nutters on Shitter and Masturbate going apeshit at once.

        Better to just leave well alone and get on with some real work in the real world with real assets.

    4. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Note that’s $35 million in US Dollars

      not magic crypto beans. Those are for the suckers, ah, depositors.

  3. Bebu Silver badge
    Holmes

    Charles Ponzi born 100 year too early.

    "The company then propped up its token by purchasing it itself, unbeknownst to customers."

    Only a stone's throw from being a ponzi scheme I would have thought?

    When you read the list corporate names involved it looks more like an April 1st joke.

    1. Phil O'Sophical Silver badge

      Re: Charles Ponzi born 100 year too early.

      A "cryptocurrency lender" sounds more like a PT Barnum idea.

    2. MyffyW Silver badge

      Re: Charles Ponzi born 100 year too early.

      I have some recently used Tulip bulbs for sale at a reduced price ... just saying.

      1. jmch Silver badge

        Re: Charles Ponzi born 100 year too early.

        "recently used Tulip bulbs..."

        I'm not aware of the horticultural details, but surely a tulip bulb is actually a type of investment that can, with the proper gardening, multiply itself many times over??

        1. ThatOne Silver badge

          Re: Charles Ponzi born 100 year too early.

          It's an allusion to the first (?) recorded speculative bubble, the dutch Tulip Mania.

        2. katrinab Silver badge
          Meh

          Re: Charles Ponzi born 100 year too early.

          Tulip prices peaked at around 4200 Gilders (€2000) each in 1637. These days you can get them at your local garden centre for less than €1 each.

          1. TimMaher Silver badge
            Pint

            Re: Charles Ponzi born 100 year too early.

            Interestingly, swmbo spotted an add for grown tulips, somewhere in the North of England for 12 quid a go.

            Someone’s ‘aving a larf!

      2. vtcodger Silver badge

        Re: Charles Ponzi born 100 year too early.

        Tulips are concrete, pretty and have an actual cash value -- between $0.25 and $0.75 USD per bulb depending on variety and quantity purchased. Cryptocurrencies are imaginary entities.

        1. Arthur the cat Silver badge

          Re: Charles Ponzi born 100 year too early.

          Tulips are concrete

          I think you're confusing them with Milton Keynes' cows.

        2. Adrian 4

          Re: Charles Ponzi born 100 year too early.

          > Cryptocurrencies are imaginary entities.

          All currencies are imaginary entities and have been for many years.

          1. Anonymous Coward
            Anonymous Coward

            Re: Charles Ponzi born 100 year too early.

            Takes £5 note out of wallet, looks at it, folds it and puts it back in wallet.

            1. Spanners Silver badge
              Boffin

              Re: Charles Ponzi born 100 year too early.

              When you put it back in your wallet, it had already lost value from when you took it out.

          2. ThatOne Silver badge

            Re: Charles Ponzi born 100 year too early.

            > All currencies are imaginary entities

            Philosophical speaking maybe, but unlike cryptocurrencies which are backed by faith alone, "real" currencies are backed by somebody rather trustworthy and creditworthy, like a nation.

            Not to mention there are also currencies which have some actual, intrinsic value, like gold coins for instance: The institution backing them might be long gone, they will always have their high metal value, so they kind of back themselves. You hardly can call those "imaginary", can you.

            1. Anonymous Coward
              Anonymous Coward

              Re: Charles Ponzi born 100 year too early.

              nations and companies are imaginary entities too. humans are a religious bunch.

        3. John Brown (no body) Silver badge

          Re: Charles Ponzi born 100 year too early.

          "Tulips are concrete, pretty and have an actual cash value -- between $0.25 and $0.75 USD per bulb depending on variety and quantity purchased. Cryptocurrencies are imaginary entities."

          True, but the tulip bubble was essentially a futures trading frenzy, so what was being bought and sold was imaginary future values/profits.

    3. jmch Silver badge

      Re: Charles Ponzi born 100 year too early.

      "propped up its token by purchasing it itself"

      Standard wall street practice to keep share price up!!

    4. katrinab Silver badge
      Megaphone

      Re: Charles Ponzi born 100 year too early.

      Using money from new investors to pay off old investors is the very definition of a Ponzi Scheme.

      The "tokens" they were using to do this are also a Ponzi Scheme, so it is a Ponzi Scheme built on top of another Ponzi Scheme, or a Ponzi² Scheme.

      1. Michael Strorm Silver badge

        Re: Charles Ponzi born 100 year too early.

        Yo dawg [etc]

  4. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Fucking with Google ?

    I wonder how many people end up paying to covert Celsius to Fahrenheit as they try to comply with JRMs directive that we should all be using Imperial ?

    1. Cybersaber

      Re: Fucking with Google ?

      To riff off an earlier poster's mention of Rankine, I think that would have been better used as the name, as Rankine (like Kelvin) is used to measure a temperature above absolute zero, which is where this (like all crypto) is headed in terms of value.

    2. Spanners Silver badge
      Facepalm

      Re: Fucking with Google ?

      That one, I can do in my head.

      Multiply by 1.8 and add 32 to get something that people born 100 years ago would understand.

      It is when people from the USA talk about weights and measures that I have to use the app on my phone.

      The Android one I use is called ConvertPad and, when I saw the article title, I was worried someone might need it.

      I suppose, we need to watch out for "metres replaced by furlongs" and "litres replaced by acre-feet" to keep JRM content.

      1. M.V. Lipvig Silver badge

        Re: Fucking with Google ?

        Really? We in the US can switch between metric and imperial seamlessly. Pounds and kilograms, quarts and liters, since we use both we know both.

        1. Henry Wertz 1 Gold badge

          Re: Fucking with Google ?

          Not in my experience. Scientists here generally have the sense to use entirely metric. And weed dealers (for reasons unknown to me) sell grams but still buy in ounces or "eighths"/"quarters" or "QP"/"halves" (1/8th, 1/4, 1/2 pound) so presumably they know their weights at least. Other than that? Kilograms aren't used at all, and I doubt many know how many pounds are in a kilogram. I know 62MPH=100KPH only because I'm a car enthusiast and everybody else uses KPH, kilometers and meters are not used here and I dare say I could easily come across people who do not know that 1 meter is about 3 feet. Oddly soda is sold (in addition to 16 and 24 fluid ounce containers) in 500ml, 1L, and 2L containers though. Milk, however, is sold in quarts or gallons!

          (Edit: To add to the ridiculous, a US gallon is not that close to the old imperial gallons either... it took me a while to realize all these UK cars that had very high MPG ratings.. well partially, they DID get better mileage, but partially, an imperial gallon is a hair over 1.2 US gallons, so all these 40-50MPG cars were really getting more like 33-40 US MPG.)

          1. PRR Silver badge

            Re: Fucking with Google ?

            > a US gallon is not that close to the old imperial gallons either...

            Yes it is. The UK had many different "gallons", one for each kind or drink or grain. (Apparently the Barley Promotions Board could propose a bucket-size, and the King would sign off on it, without rationalization.) But the ships were small so we only brought one bucket over, apparently the Queen Anne Wine Gallon. Which while out of favor in the UK, is still listed at essentially the same size as my last bucket of US paint.

            The bucket for UK motor-petrol, I dunno where they got that from, but yes is bigger than a QA Wine Gallon or US gas-gallon.

            (And there was a month when US sold fuel by liters. The day gasoline went over $1/gal. The pumps did not have another digit. But they did have a liter-unit meter as standard spares. So $1.159/gallon became $0.355/liter. People were not actually buying gallons, they bought "Full" or "5 bucks".)

  5. Jedit Silver badge
    Angel

    They should have called the company Kelvin

    It's worth absolute zero, they may as well use the same number to show it.

  6. jvf

    I don't get it

    What does any of this even mean?

    1. Jon 37

      Re: I don't get it

      1. Ponzi scheme was set up. Called "Celsius". You could deposit crypto there, and get a huge interest rate. Far more than Celsius were getting.

      2. Ponzi scheme ran out of money, and went bankrupt, but still had a few tens or possibly (unlikely) hundreds of millions of dollars in assets.

      3. Investors in the Ponzi scheme lost all their money.

      4. New "Investors", calling themselves "Fahrenheit", offer to buy the assets, give some (unspecified) amount of them to the people who lost money, and keep ("manage") the rest.

      5. Somehow the US bankruptcy courts are entertaining this craziness.

      Note: Anyone offering you a low risk high reward investment is scamming you, or an idiot, or both.

      1. katrinab Silver badge
        Megaphone

        Re: I don't get it

        They give out imaginary tokens representing the value in the imaginary tokens they purchased, and take real money for themselves.

      2. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: I don't get it

        And it crashes and burns when it reaches 451.

  7. Jim Whitaker
    WTF?

    Seriously!

    Another of these reports where you spend time checking the date.

  8. EricB123 Bronze badge

    WTF?

    "New Jersey-based cryptocurrency lender Celsius Network has announced it will be bought by a consortium called Fahrenheit."

    I read this several times before I realized El Reg was serious.

POST COMMENT House rules

Not a member of The Register? Create a new account here.

  • Enter your comment

  • Add an icon

Anonymous cowards cannot choose their icon

Other stories you might like