back to article We regret to inform you Earth will not be destroyed by an asteroid within 1,000 years

War, genocide, TikTok – if it could all end today, some of us would die with a smile on our face knowing there was little about humanity worth preserving. However, we have bad news for the misanthropes out there: the cosmic mote of dirt we call home is safe from planet-killing asteroids for the next thousand years or so. This …

  1. _Elvi_
    Pint

    .. Do you know where your towel is? ..

    Because Bypass must be built!! ..

    I hear drinks help .. I'm off the the botteshop ..

    1. John Robson Silver badge

      Re: .. Do you know where your towel is? ..

      Grab some peanuts whilst you're there

    2. entfe001
      Meh

      Re: .. Do you know where your towel is? ..

      Don't make me take out my towel 8 days early

    3. Youngone

      Re: .. Do you know where your towel is? ..

      I'm pinning my hopes on a giant mutant star goat.

    4. Mark Simon

      Re: .. Do you know where your towel is? ..

      This must be Thursday. I never could get the hang of Thursdays …

    5. Francis Boyle

      What's

      so bad about being drunk?

      1. KittenHuffer Silver badge

        Re: What's

        Ask a glass of water!

  2. Ol'Peculier
    Pint

    They've got to get through all the clutter that's up there first though...

    Three pints barman, and keep the change.

    1. Kane
      Pint

      "Three pints barman, and keep the change."

      What, from a fiver, sir? Thank you, sir!

  3. Oh Matron!

    "hail mary"

    Great book by Andy Weir. His humour is excellent

  4. Wellyboot Silver badge
    Mushroom

    The chances of anything (big) coming from space...

    508777 (2005 FL4) P=1.07e-06

    This one is a bit close to Pratchetts "one in a million chance happens nine times out of ten"!

    I'm thinking we shouldn't stop looking...

  5. Yet Another Anonymous coward Silver badge

    scientists can reliably track asteroid paths about 100 years into the future,

    scientists can reliably track KNOWN asteroid paths about 100 years into the future,

    Space is really big, rocks are really dark, we don't have much radar

    1. Francis Boyle

      What

      someone's gone out and painted all the space rocks with Vantablack. Quick, someone tell Anish Kapoor.

      Oh, wait it was Anish Kapoor. Cool artwork mate but I'd rather not be extincted.

      1. Kane
        Boffin

        Re: What

        "someone's gone out and painted all the space rocks with Vantablack."

        That reminds me, I should catch-up with the last season of The Expanse.

      2. HelpfulJohn

        Re: What

        Errr.. isn't the proper form of having been made extinct, "extinguished"?

    2. John Sager

      Re: scientists can reliably track asteroid paths about 100 years into the future,

      These are Near Earth Objects, i.e. the ones we can track easily. But we get lots of stuff coming down from the Oort cloud as comets on a regular basis. I guess though that the big ones will get spotted far enough out to be able to do the Bruce Willis thing.

    3. tiggity Silver badge

      Re: scientists can reliably track asteroid paths about 100 years into the future,

      @Yet Another Anonymous coward

      Indeed "known is the issue"

      There is new "random stuff" appearing..

      Occasionally we get new lumps of rock, Oumuamua recently generated a lot of attention for likely being extra solar, but plenty of rocks can be nudged out of place (Jupiter is a pain for perturbing rocks in the main asteroid belt, though on plus side it does Hoover up* a lot of incoming rocks due to its hefty gravitational influence so pros & cons) & nobody really knows much about Oort cloud dynamics and how often asteroids are likely to be ejected.

      * yes Hoover, I'm using your trademarked word in a generic (metaphorical) vacuuming up sense, face facts: "Hoover" is a generic word now and your TM is pointless in real world language use.

    4. ThatOne Silver badge
      Facepalm

      Re: scientists can reliably track asteroid paths about 100 years into the future,

      > track KNOWN asteroid paths about 100 years into the future

      And that's because uncertainty (tiny little rounding errors) gradually increases, till at some point it becomes pointless to calculate any further, you could as well roll some dice.

      So I don't know where they got their "reliable 1000 years precision" from, especially if they only focused on a tiny portion of the orbit (hint: Stuff which influence an orbit can happen at any point of it...).

      My assessment: Quite brazen headlines-hunting...

  6. b0llchit Silver badge
    Alien

    The great Boom Dustcloud Fire Silence

    Well, the ones we know about are no problem...

    1. ThatOne Silver badge

      Re: The great Boom Dustcloud Fire Silence

      And don't forget you won't really feel the difference if only your country/state/county/city gets hit. Smaller asteroids can do a lot of damage too, don't underestimate them.

  7. Primus Secundus Tertius

    Boring

    We are more likely to die of boredom from all these dramatic predictions intended to grab attention and attract research grants.

  8. anothercynic Silver badge
    Unhappy

    Bummer.

    As the subject says. This planet could use wiping off the planetary map... Or rather, this species could use.

    1. VBF
      Facepalm

      Re: Bummer.

      Yes....speaking as an outsider, I despair of the human race!

    2. tip pc Silver badge

      Re: Bummer.

      Who do we start with?

  9. heyrick Silver badge
    Flame

    "the cosmic mote of dirt we call home is safe from planet-killing asteroids for the next thousand years or so"

    Well, that's the best tempting fate I've read so far this year.

    Icon because I need to heat my bag of popcorn to nibble on as a dark rock that nobody noticed slams into Slough...

    1. lglethal Silver badge
      Trollface

      "as a dark rock that nobody noticed slams into Slough..."

      Well that would certainly improve the area...

      1. Arthur the cat Silver badge

        Come, friendly asteroids …

  10. ArtoriosRex

    Thanks! I hate it!

    Well, this is the most depressing article I've read today (so far). Instead of harping on what we can't do, how about on what we can? As in, asteroid mining becoming routine in 100 years, by which point this level of Chicken Little-ism will seem quaint at best. P.S. If you think humanity is short-sighted and self-indulgent to the point of apocalyptic destruction... umm, I'd be hard-pressed to argue, if the story of Noah is to be believed... but spend some time hanging around people who work at food banks and other charities. Folks who do so are legit, and there are a lot of us.

    1. tiggity Silver badge

      Re: Thanks! I hate it!

      @ArtoriosRex

      Indeed, plenty of decent folks around.

      Unfortunately, if you look at the small number of politicos in charge in most countries, sensible decent people seem in the minority, but lying, sociopathic, greedy, short termist narcissists are found in worryingly high numbers. The people least likely to make good decisions for the benefit of humanity as a whole are massively overrepresented in the political classes...Foodbank volunteers are not running many countries.

  11. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Every day an estimated ~44 metric tons of space rubble descends on earth. It would be interesting to know the spread of sizes of that rubble, see if it fit a curve, and try to calculate the half life (# of years to a 50% chance of a severely disruptive asteroid.

    1. sitta_europea Silver badge

      https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Asteroid_impact_prediction#/media/File:NEA-sizes-vs-uncertainties-compact.PNG

      1. ThatOne Silver badge

        Your link to the specific picture doesn't work, but the whole page is quite interesting to read for those not familiar with the subject, and who still reason Hollywood-style (i.e. "we ask 'The Computer' ("Danger, Will Robinson!"), and get a certified 100% exact result about anything, anywhere, anytime"):

        https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Asteroid_impact_prediction

  12. very angry man

    I live in fear of "the coming of the great white hankerchief"

    I just know that it will happen soon

  13. EricB123 Silver badge

    And one possibility more

    Did the study take Jewish Space Lasers into account?

    1. Arthur the cat Silver badge

      Re: And one possibility more

      Did the study take Jewish Space Lasers into account?

      I think they have to find a way to blow shofars in a vacuum first before the lasers will work. [Joshua, Ch 6.]

  14. Steve Crook

    What's that thing they say about space?

    Oh, that's right, it's big, awfully big. Too big to be so certain you found everything?

  15. Intractable Potsherd

    Never believe anything until it has been officially denied...

    1. Kane
      Joke

      "Never believe anything until it has been officially denied..."

      Don't Look Up!

  16. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Never mind, there's always nuclear war and climate catastrophe

    forgot to mention AI...

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