back to article BOFH: The Board members are looking very ill these days

BOFH logo telephone with devil's horns THE CHAIRMAN IS DEAD! LONG LIVE THE CHAIRMAN! It should be said that in any modern company the word CHAIRPERSON would be used, however in a Company like ours with a board full of crusty old farts who refer to the 1970s as "the good years", I'm not holding my breath. "It's real tragedy …

  1. b0llchit Silver badge
    Happy

    Compassion

    ...so we'd best build in a {10,20}-minute reporting lag.

    To darn compassionate! Shouldn't we be providing remotely activated euthanasia bracelets to the board(*)? You know, those which also make you take off your clothes?

    (*) Lets not forget to honour the boss too.

    1. Korev Silver badge
      Coat

      Re: Compassion

      Nah, then they'd be board stupid...

      1. tezboyes

        Re: Compassion

        As opposed to dead board ?

        Or even dead stupid!

    2. KittenHuffer Silver badge

      Re: Compassion

      Necklaces are far better than bracelets! Far closer to vital blood supplies!

      1. Wellyboot Silver badge

        Re: Compassion

        With automatic adjustment to provide a more snug 'fitting'?

      2. Paul Crawford Silver badge

        Re: Compassion

        Er, maybe a cock ring?

        https://www.theregister.com/2016/02/10/denia_medical_emergency/

        1. Anonymous Anti-ANC South African Coward Bronze badge

          Re: Compassion

          Speaking of a cock ring, did you know there's a cock cam as well?

          https://www.amazon.com/Cock-CAM-Ring-Camera/product-reviews/B07J4Q444C

          *shudders*

          1. Pascal Monett Silver badge

            I did not need to learn that . . .

            1. Phil O'Sophical Silver badge

              The comments are entertaining, though:

              "my accessory is still too small! 3/5 until it comes in Extra Small"

              "Confusing mount- All I saw was balls slapping the lens. Make sure you point camera towards shaft "

              1. John Brown (no body) Silver badge

                Better yet:

                "I did not try to set it up until it was too late to return it and it only works with an app that is not available in the US!!! So much money wasted I should have gotten a go pro instead"

                I'm not sure how small Go Pros can get, but I think his partner might complain :-)

                1. Anonymous Coward
                  Anonymous Coward

                  I don't think that's what the "Pro" stands for

                  1. John Brown (no body) Silver badge

                    You mean the Pro is in a different state?

          2. stiine Silver badge
            Gimp

            Re: Compassion

            I did!

          3. el_oscuro
            Devil

            Re: Compassion

            *Not* clicking on that link. El-Reg needs an icon for comments on this subject. It is practically a requirement.

            1. TRT

              Re: Compassion

              Hell it should be baked in as a URI schema. Supplement HTTP: & HTTPS: with NSFW: & NSFL: (Not safe for work and Not safe for life).

          4. Ghostman

            Re: Compassion

            Only three stars? Oh, doesn't work in the US. Alrighty then.

      3. John Brown (no body) Silver badge

        Re: Compassion

        That reminds me of as book I read many years ago.

        The Anome by Jack Vance

        It tells the story of a boy growing to manhood in the land of Shant, a society composed of many different, and wildly individual cantons, some of which are run by cults. Each adult wears an explosive torc which can be detonated by remote command, bringing about instant death by decapitation."

        1. LybsterRoy Silver badge

          Re: Compassion

          Or better still:

          The Owner series by Neal Asher - decapitation collars

          The Black Jewel series by Ann Bishop - ring of obedience

        2. the Jim bloke
          Windows

          Re: Compassion

          It tells the story of a boy growing to manhood in the land of Shant, a society composed of many different, and wildly individual cantons,

          My recollection was that the main characters canton of origin maintained its population by prostituting its women to travellers, while the local leadership spent all their time wanking themselves silly. Definitely relevant to modern management.

          (many years since I read it but I am confident I have the gist right - unlike whatever I was doing last week..)

    3. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Compassion

      Would it then not be more fun to give them reanimation braceletes? The sort of thing that gives them a sharp electric shock every time it thinks they're at risk of heart attack?

      Of course, the beta test versions will accidentally start doing that without cause until they run out of battery at the exact point they would need that to avoid creating a free boardroom position, but I'm sure that will be fixed after a few replacements.

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: Compassion

        "the beta test versions will accidentally start doing that without cause until they run out of battery"

        I knew a guy who had an implanted defibrillator due to congestive heart failure. Towards the end of his life, his heart was weak enough that the defib would sporadically fail to detect a proper heartbeat, and would decide it was time to give him a shock. He didn't care for that very much. IIRC, the worst part was, he could hear it charging up to deliver the shock (apparently it sounded like the flash on a film camera from the 1980s). The second worst part was that the defib app on his cellphone showed him how many more charges were left in the battery.

        With his sense of humor, he would have appreciated the idea of intentionally giving such a device to someone you disliked.

    4. jared555

      Re: Compassion

      Modify the usb port on the watch with a usb kill device hooked to the EKG probes?

  2. Korev Silver badge
    Coat

    "How about an alternative option," I say. "Tell the board there's a free gin tasting on the sixth floor then turn the lifts off. Anyone who makes it up the stairs gets a GPS watch and anyone who doesn't gets a free trip in a hearse. It's win-win."

    Sounds like there'd be a lot of coffin...

    1. KittenHuffer Silver badge

      I think you've nailed that one ....... shut!

    2. KittenHuffer Silver badge

      And I have to ask if it was the coffin' that carried him off or the coffin they carried him off in?

    3. chivo243 Silver badge
      Go

      Sounds like there'd be a lot of coffin...

      It's a gin tasting not a weed sampling!

      Green go for a reason!

  3. Michael H.F. Wilkinson Silver badge
    Coat

    Openings in forestry

    I suppose the openings are roughly grave-sized, and perhaps slightly wider for the more obese board members?

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Openings in forestry

      don't need to make it wider as long as there's no actual coffin.

      the human body is a wondrous thing, so soft and pliable... It'll fit...

      1. Michael H.F. Wilkinson Silver badge

        Re: Openings in forestry

        But more carpets and quicklime might be needed

        1. F. Frederick Skitty Silver badge

          Re: Openings in forestry

          Or a chainsaw and rubber apron.

          1. Evil Scot Bronze badge

            Re: Openings in forestry

            There are better options than chainsaws in arboriculture.

        2. TekGuruNull

          Re: Openings in forestry

          My god. It took *this* long for comments to mention quicklime.

          <shudders>

        3. Charlie Clark Silver badge
          Happy

          Re: Openings in forestry

          If you're going to use quicklime you don't want things like carpets than leave traces. Better a nice sapling from a fast growing tree. Or so I've heard.

          Nice to hear that the PFY's car has had an upgrade and is now even more suitable for transporting organic waste!

      2. Mark 85

        Re: Openings in forestry

        don't need to make it wider as long as there's no actual coffin.

        the human body is a wondrous thing, so soft and pliable... It'll fit...

        Depends on if rigor mortis has set in or not.

        1. bpfh

          Re: Openings in forestry

          Maybe but it will be luggage size and shape once it comes out of the car boot...

        2. John Brown (no body) Silver badge
          Black Helicopters

          Re: Openings in forestry

          "Depends on if rigor mortis has set in or not."

          That's only an issue if time is of the essence. Rigor goes away after a while too.

          Rigor generally sets in after 4+ hours and is usually gone by about 36 hours. Don't why I know this or I'll have to kill you.

      3. bpfh

        Re: Openings in forestry

        Hum. I wonder if you could get a well drilling machine cheap... For forestry irrigation needs of course.

  4. Wellyboot Silver badge
    Happy

    Plant Based Nutrition

    Bravo! All those Angus beasties dutifully providing wonderful steak deserve nothing less than the best.

  5. TeeCee Gold badge

    They called it plant-based nutrition...

    It's just like the car business, where "bloody awful, cheap and nasty, 1970's vinyl crap" is now "vegan leather".

    I have pointed out to a car salesman that, in the list of all the horrific misdeeds of the 1970s, crap car upholstery is the last thing that should have made a comeback, not the first. And it's a long list...

    1. Brian 3

      And really, what IS the assurance that none of the petroleum used in the vinyl came from animals? None! Or is their argument that they were already dead when they found them....

      1. tezboyes

        I've been saying that for years, dinosaurs were animals too !

      2. Yet Another Anonymous coward Silver badge

        >And really, what IS the assurance that none of the petroleum used in the vinyl came from animals?

        But at least they were free-range dinosaurs

    2. VicMortimer Silver badge
      Flame

      I know, right? My first few cars had really nice, soft, velvety cloth seats, not like the horrible vinyl seats on the '70s low end cars. And then leather showed up everywhere, and it wasn't as nice. And now vinyl is back, and you can't even get cloth any more.

      Why did they think anybody would want vinyl seats?

  6. bpfh
    Trollface

    Openings in forestry...

    In the PFY's PFC certified forest in Scotland? Openings about half a metre wide, 2 long and 2 deep?

  7. F. Frederick Skitty Silver badge

    Best BOFH in ages - so glad I'm working from home so the only one who gets annoyed at me howling with laughter is the cat.

    1. Johndoe132

      Really? Recent episodes to me have the feel of 'written in the style of' and lack a certain edge that is the usual hallmark of Simon's work.

      1. MiguelC Silver badge

        ChatGPT_BOFH?

        1. TRT

          I wondered for a moment... the description of the difference between H&S and Wellness was uncannily accurate and I had to re-read it many times before I got the joke.

      2. Scott 26

        > "The poor woman was traumatizd."

        > Though not as traumatized as someone

        I think you might be right. Simon, hand in your NZ passport.

  8. Boris the Cockroach Silver badge
    Coffee/keyboard

    You utter

    bastards... I got as far as ""Okay," I say, somewhat relieved that this wasn't a story about how he'd been found naked with an oven-ready chicken, a gallon of olive oil and an industrial vacuum cleaner."

    and my brand new less than a week old keyboard that I've been whining at the manglement for ages for died.

    Mind you its getting 1/2 a chicken sandwich off the moniter thats going to present a bigger problem..... but since I'm in the pub, thats a monday problem.......

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: You utter

      A gallon of olive oil? Half a bottle is more than en.... erm...

  9. Blackjack Silver badge

    [It should be said that in any modern company the word CHAIRPERSON would be used]

    Since when has the BOFH been polite enough to call one of those a person, when he is not wanting something? And in his inner dialogue no less!

    1. stiine Silver badge
      Devil

      He's BOFH. Referring to the chairman as chairperson is an insult. As would be referring to a chairwoman as a chairperson.

      1. tezboyes

        Is that a person you sit on?

      2. Snowy Silver badge
        Coat

        I think they are just called "Chair" now or am I not fully up to date?

        1. Yet Another Anonymous coward Silver badge

          "Chair" is ablist unless you also specifically include wheelchairs

          I think "facilitating coordinator" or "coordinating facilitator" but all the decisions of that officer have to be ratified at a special bi-weekly meeting by a simple majority in the case of purely internal affairs, but by a two-thirds majority in the case of purely external affairs.

          ps the "man" part in chairman is actually "main", French for hand and nothing to do with bloke-ness i.e. from the hand of the chair - cos the nobs were French when committees were invented

          1. TRT

            We've switched to using "host" now... give me strength!

            1. Blackjack Silver badge

              Like blue pills? Because a host is another word for prostitute?

  10. Throatwarbler Mangrove Silver badge
    Coat

    Orange Alert

    Surely that's for when one of the board members is making a break for it to escape the wrath of the BOFH. Purple Alert occurs when they're almost to the company property perimeter and results in Rover being released to chase them down.

    (Mine's the black one with white piping.)

    1. TRT

      Re: Orange Alert

      If I recall correctly they used to use a special type of watch to tell Rover if the wearer was authorised or not.

  11. Azamino

    Not all that out there…

    I know of at least one Big 4 accounting firm that has issued senior partners with smart watches to monitor their sleep, exercise patterns etc.

    1. Snowy Silver badge
      Joke

      Re: Not all that out there…

      If their heart rate rises during the day check where all the young trainees are?

  12. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Out-standing!

    Beam me up Scotty!

  13. IceC0ld

    every now and then I despair for humanity, the constant craving for adulation, the ongoing battle against everything that makes us human

    and then I read the comments on the BofH threads, and I KNOW that all is well

    sick, twisted and perverted, but definitely well :o)

    El Reg first came to my attention because of BofH, I now come here for the many articles and in depth analysis - No really - stop tittering at the back

    but the comments always let me know that the days of BofH are no longer limited by the constraints of time, and that they will live on forever, driven forward by you lot of craziness, and I am here to say I love the lot of ya

    xxxxx

  14. Bebu

    Sorry....

    "I knew a guy who had an implanted defibrillator due to congestive heart failure. Towards the end of his life, his heart was weak enough that the defib would sporadically fail to detect a proper heartbeat, and would decide it was time to give him a shock. He didn't care for that very much. IIRC, the worst part was, he could hear it charging up to deliver the shock (apparently it sounded like the flash on a film camera from the 1980s). The second worst part was that the defib app on his cellphone showed him how many more charges were left in the battery."

    Apologies. This really tickled my funny bone - very much English black humour.

    Really reads like something Terry Pratchett might have dreamed up for one of his less fortunate characters - not CMOT Dibbler - he would have some Balderickesque scheme to try to make a quid from it.

    "With his sense of humor, he would have appreciated the idea of intentionally giving such a device to someone you disliked."

    I think a chap that Sir Terry would have liked.

    1. TRT

      Re: Sorry....

      I quite liked the semi-sentient trees that used to display their age as a mark on the trunk, as a survival adaptation to avoid being cut down by dendrochronologists, only to then become highly prized by sellers of door numbers.

  15. Slacker1452

    Late but maybe relevant

    vegan - that would be onion bhaji's - a win/win scenario!

  16. Blakey

    Wassat? An eye closer? I'll get the OJ and antifreeze...

  17. Celeste Reinard

    Drinks cabinet...

    I had a neighbour, miss K., that was found, by her daughter, half-way up her drinks cabinet.... The general opinion was that was quite fitting, and even might have been thought so by the diseased. And, indeed, probably in search of some sherry.

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