BOFH: The Board members are looking very ill these days

BOFH logo telephone with devil's horns THE CHAIRMAN IS DEAD! LONG LIVE THE CHAIRMAN! It should be said that in any modern company the word CHAIRPERSON would be used, however in a Company like ours with a board full of crusty old farts who refer to the 1970s as "the good years", I'm not holding my breath. "It's real tragedy …

[b0llchit]

Compassion

...so we'd best build in a {10,20}-minute reporting lag.

To darn compassionate! Shouldn't we be providing remotely activated euthanasia bracelets to the board^(*)? You know, those which also make you take off your clothes?

^(*) _{Lets not forget to honour the boss too.}

[Korev]

Re: Compassion

Nah, then they'd be board stupid...

[tezboyes]

Re: Compassion

As opposed to dead board ?

Or even dead stupid!

[KittenHuffer]

Re: Compassion

Necklaces are far better than bracelets! Far closer to vital blood supplies!

[Wellyboot]

Re: Compassion

With automatic adjustment to provide a more snug 'fitting'?

[Paul Crawford]

Re: Compassion

Er, maybe a cock ring?

https://www.theregister.com/2016/02/10/denia_medical_emergency/

[Anonymous Anti-ANC South African Coward]

Re: Compassion

Speaking of a cock ring, did you know there's a cock cam as well?

https://www.amazon.com/Cock-CAM-Ring-Camera/product-reviews/B07J4Q444C

*shudders*

[Pascal Monett]

I did not need to learn that . . .

[Phil O'Sophical]

The comments are entertaining, though:

"my accessory is still too small! 3/5 until it comes in Extra Small"

"Confusing mount- All I saw was balls slapping the lens. Make sure you point camera towards shaft "

[John Brown (no body)]

Better yet:

"I did not try to set it up until it was too late to return it and it only works with an app that is not available in the US!!! So much money wasted I should have gotten a go pro instead"

I'm not sure how small Go Pros can get, but I think his partner might complain :-)

[Anonymous Coward]

I don't think that's what the "Pro" stands for

[John Brown (no body)]

You mean the Pro is in a different state?

[stiine]

Re: Compassion

I did!

[el_oscuro]

Re: Compassion

*Not* clicking on that link. El-Reg needs an icon for comments on this subject. It is practically a requirement.

[TRT]

Re: Compassion

Hell it should be baked in as a URI schema. Supplement HTTP: & HTTPS: with NSFW: & NSFL: (Not safe for work and Not safe for life).

[Ghostman]

Re: Compassion

Only three stars? Oh, doesn't work in the US. Alrighty then.

[John Brown (no body)]

Re: Compassion

That reminds me of as book I read many years ago.

The Anome by Jack Vance

It tells the story of a boy growing to manhood in the land of Shant, a society composed of many different, and wildly individual cantons, some of which are run by cults. Each adult wears an explosive torc which can be detonated by remote command, bringing about instant death by decapitation."

[LybsterRoy]

Re: Compassion

Or better still:

The Owner series by Neal Asher - decapitation collars

The Black Jewel series by Ann Bishop - ring of obedience

[the Jim bloke]

Re: Compassion

It tells the story of a boy growing to manhood in the land of Shant, a society composed of many different, and wildly individual cantons,

My recollection was that the main characters canton of origin maintained its population by prostituting its women to travellers, while the local leadership spent all their time wanking themselves silly. Definitely relevant to modern management.

(many years since I read it but I am confident I have the gist right - unlike whatever I was doing last week..)

[Anonymous Coward]

Re: Compassion

Would it then not be more fun to give them reanimation braceletes? The sort of thing that gives them a sharp electric shock every time it thinks they're at risk of heart attack?

Of course, the beta test versions will accidentally start doing that without cause until they run out of battery at the exact point they would need that to avoid creating a free boardroom position, but I'm sure that will be fixed after a few replacements.

[Anonymous Coward]

Re: Compassion

"the beta test versions will accidentally start doing that without cause until they run out of battery"

I knew a guy who had an implanted defibrillator due to congestive heart failure. Towards the end of his life, his heart was weak enough that the defib would sporadically fail to detect a proper heartbeat, and would decide it was time to give him a shock. He didn't care for that very much. IIRC, the worst part was, he could hear it charging up to deliver the shock (apparently it sounded like the flash on a film camera from the 1980s). The second worst part was that the defib app on his cellphone showed him how many more charges were left in the battery.

With his sense of humor, he would have appreciated the idea of intentionally giving such a device to someone you disliked.

[jared555]

Re: Compassion

Modify the usb port on the watch with a usb kill device hooked to the EKG probes?

[Korev]

"How about an alternative option," I say. "Tell the board there's a free gin tasting on the sixth floor then turn the lifts off. Anyone who makes it up the stairs gets a GPS watch and anyone who doesn't gets a free trip in a hearse. It's win-win."

Sounds like there'd be a lot of coffin...

[KittenHuffer]

I think you've nailed that one ....... shut!

[KittenHuffer]

And I have to ask if it was the coffin' that carried him off or the coffin they carried him off in?

[chivo243]

Sounds like there'd be a lot of coffin...

It's a gin tasting not a weed sampling!

Green go for a reason!

[Michael H.F. Wilkinson]

Openings in forestry

I suppose the openings are roughly grave-sized, and perhaps slightly wider for the more obese board members?

[Anonymous Coward]

Re: Openings in forestry

don't need to make it wider as long as there's no actual coffin.

the human body is a wondrous thing, so soft and pliable... It'll fit...

[Michael H.F. Wilkinson]

Re: Openings in forestry

But more carpets and quicklime might be needed

[F. Frederick Skitty]

Re: Openings in forestry

Or a chainsaw and rubber apron.

[Evil Scot]

Re: Openings in forestry

There are better options than chainsaws in arboriculture.

[TekGuruNull]

Re: Openings in forestry

My god. It took *this* long for comments to mention quicklime.

<shudders>

[Charlie Clark]

Re: Openings in forestry

If you're going to use quicklime you don't want things like carpets than leave traces. Better a nice sapling from a fast growing tree. Or so I've heard.

Nice to hear that the PFY's car has had an upgrade and is now even more suitable for transporting organic waste!

[Mark 85]

Re: Openings in forestry

don't need to make it wider as long as there's no actual coffin.

the human body is a wondrous thing, so soft and pliable... It'll fit...

Depends on if rigor mortis has set in or not.

[bpfh]

Re: Openings in forestry

Maybe but it will be luggage size and shape once it comes out of the car boot...

[John Brown (no body)]

Re: Openings in forestry

"Depends on if rigor mortis has set in or not."

That's only an issue if time is of the essence. Rigor goes away after a while too.

Rigor generally sets in after 4+ hours and is usually gone by about 36 hours. Don't why I know this or I'll have to kill you.

[bpfh]

Re: Openings in forestry

Hum. I wonder if you could get a well drilling machine cheap... For forestry irrigation needs of course.

[Wellyboot]

Plant Based Nutrition

Bravo! All those Angus beasties dutifully providing wonderful steak deserve nothing less than the best.

[TeeCee]

They called it plant-based nutrition...

It's just like the car business, where "bloody awful, cheap and nasty, 1970's vinyl crap" is now "vegan leather".

I have pointed out to a car salesman that, in the list of all the horrific misdeeds of the 1970s, crap car upholstery is the last thing that should have made a comeback, not the first. And it's a long list...

[Brian 3]

And really, what IS the assurance that none of the petroleum used in the vinyl came from animals? None! Or is their argument that they were already dead when they found them....

[tezboyes]

I've been saying that for years, dinosaurs were animals too !

[Yet Another Anonymous coward]

>And really, what IS the assurance that none of the petroleum used in the vinyl came from animals?

But at least they were free-range dinosaurs

[VicMortimer]

I know, right? My first few cars had really nice, soft, velvety cloth seats, not like the horrible vinyl seats on the '70s low end cars. And then leather showed up everywhere, and it wasn't as nice. And now vinyl is back, and you can't even get cloth any more.

Why did they think anybody would want vinyl seats?

[bpfh]

Openings in forestry...

In the PFY's PFC certified forest in Scotland? Openings about half a metre wide, 2 long and 2 deep?

[F. Frederick Skitty]

Best BOFH in ages - so glad I'm working from home so the only one who gets annoyed at me howling with laughter is the cat.

[Johndoe132]

Really? Recent episodes to me have the feel of 'written in the style of' and lack a certain edge that is the usual hallmark of Simon's work.

[MiguelC]

ChatGPT_BOFH?

[TRT]

I wondered for a moment... the description of the difference between H&S and Wellness was uncannily accurate and I had to re-read it many times before I got the joke.

[Scott 26]

> "The poor woman was traumatizd."

> Though not as traumatized as someone

I think you might be right. Simon, hand in your NZ passport.

[Boris the Cockroach]

You utter

bastards... I got as far as ""Okay," I say, somewhat relieved that this wasn't a story about how he'd been found naked with an oven-ready chicken, a gallon of olive oil and an industrial vacuum cleaner."

and my brand new less than a week old keyboard that I've been whining at the manglement for ages for died.

Mind you its getting 1/2 a chicken sandwich off the moniter thats going to present a bigger problem..... but since I'm in the pub, thats a monday problem.......

[Anonymous Coward]

Re: You utter

A gallon of olive oil? Half a bottle is more than en.... erm...

[Blackjack]

[It should be said that in any modern company the word CHAIRPERSON would be used]

Since when has the BOFH been polite enough to call one of those a person, when he is not wanting something? And in his inner dialogue no less!

[stiine]

He's BOFH. Referring to the chairman as chairperson is an insult. As would be referring to a chairwoman as a chairperson.

[tezboyes]

Is that a person you sit on?

[Snowy]

I think they are just called "Chair" now or am I not fully up to date?

[Yet Another Anonymous coward]

"Chair" is ablist unless you also specifically include wheelchairs

I think "facilitating coordinator" or "coordinating facilitator" but all the decisions of that officer have to be ratified at a special bi-weekly meeting by a simple majority in the case of purely internal affairs, but by a two-thirds majority in the case of purely external affairs.

ps the "man" part in chairman is actually "main", French for hand and nothing to do with bloke-ness i.e. from the hand of the chair - cos the nobs were French when committees were invented

[TRT]

We've switched to using "host" now... give me strength!

[Blackjack]

Like blue pills? Because a host is another word for prostitute?

[Throatwarbler Mangrove]

Orange Alert

Surely that's for when one of the board members is making a break for it to escape the wrath of the BOFH. Purple Alert occurs when they're almost to the company property perimeter and results in Rover being released to chase them down.

(Mine's the black one with white piping.)

[TRT]

Re: Orange Alert

If I recall correctly they used to use a special type of watch to tell Rover if the wearer was authorised or not.

[Azamino]

Not all that out there…

I know of at least one Big 4 accounting firm that has issued senior partners with smart watches to monitor their sleep, exercise patterns etc.

[Snowy]

Re: Not all that out there…

If their heart rate rises during the day check where all the young trainees are?

[Anonymous Coward]

Out-standing!

Beam me up Scotty!

[IceC0ld]

every now and then I despair for humanity, the constant craving for adulation, the ongoing battle against everything that makes us human

and then I read the comments on the BofH threads, and I KNOW that all is well

sick, twisted and perverted, but definitely well :o)

El Reg first came to my attention because of BofH, I now come here for the many articles and in depth analysis - No really - stop tittering at the back

but the comments always let me know that the days of BofH are no longer limited by the constraints of time, and that they will live on forever, driven forward by you lot of craziness, and I am here to say I love the lot of ya

xxxxx

[Bebu]

Sorry....

"I knew a guy who had an implanted defibrillator due to congestive heart failure. Towards the end of his life, his heart was weak enough that the defib would sporadically fail to detect a proper heartbeat, and would decide it was time to give him a shock. He didn't care for that very much. IIRC, the worst part was, he could hear it charging up to deliver the shock (apparently it sounded like the flash on a film camera from the 1980s). The second worst part was that the defib app on his cellphone showed him how many more charges were left in the battery."

Apologies. This really tickled my funny bone - very much English black humour.

Really reads like something Terry Pratchett might have dreamed up for one of his less fortunate characters - not CMOT Dibbler - he would have some Balderickesque scheme to try to make a quid from it.

"With his sense of humor, he would have appreciated the idea of intentionally giving such a device to someone you disliked."

I think a chap that Sir Terry would have liked.

[TRT]

Re: Sorry....

I quite liked the semi-sentient trees that used to display their age as a mark on the trunk, as a survival adaptation to avoid being cut down by dendrochronologists, only to then become highly prized by sellers of door numbers.

[Slacker1452]

Late but maybe relevant

vegan - that would be onion bhaji's - a win/win scenario!

[Blakey]

Wassat? An eye closer? I'll get the OJ and antifreeze...

[Celeste Reinard]

Drinks cabinet...

I had a neighbour, miss K., that was found, by her daughter, half-way up her drinks cabinet.... The general opinion was that was quite fitting, and even might have been thought so by the diseased. And, indeed, probably in search of some sherry.