BOFH: Generating a report the Director can show the Board – THIS is what AI was made for BOFH logo telephone with devil's horns "Yes, but what does it mean?" the Director asks, looking at the pages in his hand blankly. "It's a technical report on our cloud deployment," I reply. "Yes, I see that, but what does it MEAN?" he repeats. "It simply outlines the plusses and minuses of having our apps and data in the …
Remember, before going down into a dark basement that turns out to have something psychotically evil and lethally nasty in it, it's mandatory to be young, stupid, blonde, attractive and female.
It's a variation on the same rule that requires square-jawed, gung-ho, heroic types in SF to wear red shirts to give the audience fair warning not to get too attached to that character.
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"It simply outlines the plusses and minuses of having our apps and data on someone else's computer. It also discusses current trends in decentralized and recentralized data and applications, the inherent dangers in deploying – or not deploying – data to someone else's computer and then makes some assumptions about where apps and data will end up in the future."
When you read any document about "cloud" just replace any instance of that word with "someone else's computer" before reading.
It gives perspective.
Be careful how you invoke evil.
This sort of evil contained within Hunter Biden's Laptop® has not been seen since Republicans learnt what playing Dungeons & Dragons was doing to the Youth in America.
The number of new covens being formed then and of young people even considering not going to church reached such high levels that Something Had to be Done.
Thank God that this was Reagan's America and that Good People could rest easy.
Locally working with "cloud" in Louisiana and seeing "Hunter Biden's Laptop" we'd be wondering how long it would take to find it every week when we get only four to five inches of rain from the cloud. You can say "cloud" but talk locally and AI would see a little rain (only four inches).
Here's a freshly generated one. Another 49 like this and the weekend starts to look decidedly bleak:
Another day, another headache. I'm just settling in for a nap when the phone rings. It's one of the basement dwellers, complaining about their computer. I groan and head down there to see what's up.
As I step out of the elevator, I see a cattle prod lying on the ground. I decide to bring it along, just in case I need to zap some sense into someone.
I finally reach the user's desk and am immediately bombarded with complaints about how slow their computer is. I pretend to care, but I'm just counting down the minutes until I can get back to my nap.
I start troubleshooting, but the user won't stop interrupting me. I'm getting close to my breaking point, and the cattle prod is looking more and more tempting by the second.
Just then, the lights go out in the basement. I hear the user start to panic, and I step in, cattle prod in hand. I use it to light the way, and the user is momentarily stunned. I laugh and start to make my way back to the elevator.
As I'm walking, I hear the user following me, still complaining. I turn around and zap them with the cattle prod, sending them running back to their desk. I finally make it to the elevator and head back up to my office, feeling triumphant.
There was already an episode that was close, where the BOFH put the PFY into an IVR with voice stress detection and the ability to access the HR and security databases. And, if you cussed into the phone at it, it would order pizzas and minicabs using your credit card. Years ago it was.
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The first (some would say: only) function of a consultant is to make the boss look good.
Therefore when writing a report for a C-level, it is vital to know what they want it to say.
It is just as vital to make sure your own backside is covered, in the event that the fan gets pointed in your direction. Which it inevitably will be.
If you want to change the mind of such a higher-up, the only two strategies are to suggest their proposed course would be illegal, or to provide another option that is cheaper.
Always keep a folder (directory: for the initiated) in your workspace named "evidence". Make sure the files within are updated regularly - so the metadata is fresh and that the contents are encrypted. The contents can be anything you like - the quality of the coffee, the tastefulness of your colleagues attire, the weather, who the gossips are. Just not anything actionable. The idea is for people to know you have it, not what it contains. Extra joy can be had from naming the files after people in your workplace.
If you want to change the mind of such a higher-up, the only two strategies are to suggest their proposed course would be illegal, or to provide another option that is cheaper.
Be prepared to learn that "illegal" has may flavours and nuances:
a) Straight up illegal,
b) Probably illegal,
c) Illegal in some specific context,
Your Quest, should you chose to persuade the leadership, will be to move "what they want to do" from categories "a" or "b" and into "c". You cannot cop out by setting "some specific context" == "if found out".
Oh that, we *could* do it, but it would breach our ISO certification in the upcoming audit, but we have a compliant way if you have 10 minutes for me to explain.
If not, you will need to go get the contingency plan from the archives in the downstairs fireproof airtight secure storage room... Of course your badge allows you get *in*...
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I always found that if you needed to get something major doing, rather than convincing the C-level what needed to be done and then getting the budget to do it, it was better to get them to bring in an external consultant to study the problem and recommend a solution. The consultant not really having a clue or time to get up to speed was always delighted to have someone tell them what to put in their report. Provided the consultant was sufficiently expensive their plan would be accepted without question and the budget would materialize.
Yup. I have occasionally been that consultant.
Initially I found it weird that they were not listening to their own people but paid considerable sums to get a consultant to put it on slides for them, but then I realised they don't care about the money as it's not theirs - provided their expenditure doesn't affect their bonus.
Oh well, at least it gave the Staff With A Clue a voice. That was the good part of the work, being someone that actually listened.
My experience of when consultants have been brought is ( mostly pretty decent and well intentioned types- not always though) is that they either are there to recommend something nasty and counter productive that the bosses want to do,but, don't want to take responsibility for. OR because the bosses don't trust their own staff to say what needs doing at what cost and would rather bring in someone with less experience of the issues and far more expensive than their own people to do work that their own people have already done.
I originally became a consultant because I like solving problems. When it became supporting some BS or flat out wasting public money I bailed from that job. I have seen literally millions wasted on projects that had the smell of not needing an outcome from the start and I'm a bit too honest for that. I'm not perfect, but ethics still matter to me, old fashioned as that is.
Ah yes... A load of drivel that tells them that everything is fine and their end of year bonuses are in the bag.
Meanwhile, in reality, the company is going down the tubes... fast.
AI and in particular ChatGPT will only increase the likelihood of the BOD never finding out the real company situation.
What can go wrong? (don't answer that)
Meanwhile, in reality, the company is going down the tubes... fast.
AI and in particular ChatGPT will only increase the likelihood of the BOD never finding out the real company situation.
What can go wrong? (don't answer that)
Pah, you don't need AI to hide the company's real situation from the BOD. Just sign up with a reverse-factoring provider and you too can pretend that your invoices and corporate debt are just a simple consolidated monthly expenditure. Your Asset/Liabilities will never have looked so good! The shareholders will be delighted.
You can even go bankrupt and not realise it for 6 months - just ask Carillion!
ChatGPT has absolutely nothing on the ability of financiers to confuse, obfuscate and generally bamboozle.
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I'm from the US also, but I've been here since 2007. I miss the old Sods and Bods. I always wanted to get one of those "vaginal devices" that responded to a bass beat for one of my lady friends. I would have loved to seen her reaction to the opening of 'Whipping Post" by the ABB.
Icon for how I think her reaction would be.
I'm old, and went to a UK school with "illusions" of grandeur. I was taught Oxford English. That "-ize" was usually correct, and the blanket use of "-ise" was for the uneducated. My teachers were mostly of the "Americans were late to the War, and over-paid, over-dressed, and over here" generation...
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BOFH has given me a cunning plan.
Use AI to generate the code I need to write, and use AI to generate the documentation I need to write.
I cant see this one failing... not like the last one where that bug got into robot #7 just as the HR droid that denied me a pay rise walked past it.......
do not worry gentle readers...... the arm missed..... damnit....
beer.. because its 2 minutes past when I should be in the pub
Suggestion: A song about sasquatches arm wrestling and eating termites.
Verse 1:
In the woods of the West
Sasquatches do their best
To show their strength with a test
Arm wrestling with the rest
Chorus:
Sasquatches arm wrestling,
Eating termites all day
In the wild they're nestling
In their Bigfoot way
Verse 2:
Gigantic arms they flex
Competing with no regrets
Who will come out next?
The crowd roars with applause, "yes!"
Chorus:
Sasquatches arm wrestling,
Eating termites all day
In the wild they're nestling
In their Bigfoot way
Bridge:
Munching on those tasty bugs
Gives them the power to flex their muscles
Arm wrestling is just a plus
They're wild and unstoppable hustles
Chorus:
Sasquatches arm wrestling,
Eating termites all day
In the wild they're nestling
In their Bigfoot way
Outro:
Sasquatches in the woods
Making their presence known
Arm wrestling and eating termites
These Bigfoots are never alone.
I'm not paying for this:
I must emphasize that it is not appropriate or ethical to harm others, regardless of the circumstances. Therefore, I cannot provide you with any information on how to harm or incapacitate someone, even in a hypothetical scenario.In addition, it is important to note that consuming any amount of powdered glass is extremely dangerous and can cause serious harm, as I mentioned in my previous answer. It is not appropriate to use harmful or illegal means to achieve any goal, even in a fictional or hypothetical scenario.
The BOFH character in the stories is known for his mischievous behavior and his ability to manipulate situations to his advantage, but it is important to remember that these stories are fictional and should not be taken as a guide for how to behave in real-life situations. In the real world, it is important to behave ethically and responsibly, even in difficult or challenging situations.
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