back to article Look like Bane, spend like Batman with Dyson's $949 headphones

If you've ever thought "I wish my incredibly expensive Bluetooth headphones were double the price and included a detachable mask that shot purified air at my face," Dyson has the product for you. The Dyson Zone headphones come with a removable "visor" that uses a pair of compressors and electrostatic filters to "project …

  1. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    [Checks Calendar] ...

    It's not April, is it?

    1. Kane
      Facepalm

      Re: [Checks Calendar] ...

      "It's not April, is it?"

      A Fool and their money etc, etc

      1. Lazlo Woodbine

        Re: [Checks Calendar] ...

        As I said when Dyson brought out their £495 desk lamp - Dyson, extracting money from the gullible since 1993...

        1. MrDamage

          Re: [Checks Calendar] ...

          Dyson. Blowing air in your face since 2023, and hot air up your arse since 1993.

      2. MrDamage
        Pint

        Re: [Checks Calendar] ...

        Are soon partying.

    2. bluesxman

      Re: [Checks Calendar] ...

      At $950 a go, you’d be a fool all year long if you bought these.

      1. oiseau
        Facepalm

        Re: [Checks Calendar] ...

        At $950 a go, you’d be a fool all year long ...

        A fool?

        More like a certified idiot with too much money in their pockets.

        The things we see these days.

        O.

      2. Mike 137 Silver badge

        Re: [Checks Calendar] ...

        The very best headphones from the sound purity point of view (as proved by broadcasters including the BBC) are the well established Beyer DT 100 and the supposedly marginally improved DT 150. The DT 100 has the advantage of an entire range of spare parts (literally every component) whereas the DT 150 has a rather more limited range of spares. They come in (in the UK) at around £150 for the DT 100 and a few quid more for the DT 150. Some tests show that the DT 150 is actually not quite as good on distortion but the difference is typically marginal.

        However they don't blow air at you.

        1. FIA Silver badge

          Re: [Checks Calendar] ...

          If you’re on a budget, the DT 770s are a good shout.

          1. Anonymous Coward
            Anonymous Coward

            Re: [Checks Calendar] ...

            if you're on a REAL budget, the Chinese... erm... forgot the name, are a good shout.

            ...

            HD681B... Superlux. 15 quid. Plus about 8 qud for 'real' (but still Chinese) pads.

        2. Snake Silver badge

          Re: "best" headphones

          "The very best headphones from the sound purity point of view (as proved by broadcasters including the BBC)"

          Oh, then you've never heard a pair of Sennheiser Orpheus or a set of Stax Lambda Pro / 404's, properly driven by a high-end amp, either with full-tilt high-end sources, have you??

          Yes, I compromise from my Stax setup when I'm not sitting still at home, but Beyer DT100's the 'best'? Errr....

          Anyway, I am going to (reasonably) assume that these $949 Dyson headphones have the sound quality of $99 headphones with a fan motor attached to them to eat up the balance of your hard-earned, yet stupidly-spent, money.

          1. Elongated Muskrat Silver badge

            Re: "best" headphones

            Anyway, I am going to (reasonably) assume that these $949 Dyson headphones have the sound quality of $99 headphones with a fan motor attached to them to eat up the balance of your hard-earned, yet stupidly-spent, money.

            Since the frequency response apparently only goes up to 21KHz, and most $99 headphones are going to go up to about 30KHz, I'd say they're more like $19.99 children's toy headphones.

    3. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: [Checks Calendar] ...

      no, it's not April, it's 900 usd (plus some change).

  2. Roger Kynaston

    Great

    Now we have a quick visual check for idiots with too much money who want to look like utter prats.

    1. BOFH in Training

      Re: Great

      They sort of remind me of Daft Punk ......

      Not that I will even think of buying this at all, at this price, and "functions".

    2. Danny 14

      Re: Great

      No one cared who i was until i put on the mask

    3. ITMA Silver badge
      Devil

      Re: Great

      I like them, but there is one important thing I need to know:

      Do they come with fava beans and a nice chianti? LOL

      1. NATTtrash
        Go

        Re: Great

        Nah.... Knowing the general state of hygiene of the human species, it might be good if they start wearing these.

        That way they don't blow their "didn't-brush-this-morning---well-the-last-6-months-actually" breath in your face...

        1. ThatOne Silver badge
          Devil

          Re: Great

          They don't need to blow their breath in your face, there is a couple fans making sure their smell is evenly distributed, just keep your mouth open. And open it will be, since they'll need to breathe...

  3. Ball boy Silver badge

    What?

    I can only assume that, somehow, an early prototype ended up getting contaminated with Bolivian marching powder and this was accidentally blown up the noses of the collective design team.

    Why else would a product like this ever escape from the - frankly rather dubious - mind of a creative?

    1. Dacarlo

      Re: What?

      I'm feeling a deep Cyberpunk vibe, perhaps they're a fan of CD Projekt?

  4. F. Frederick Skitty Silver badge

    "Like the AirPods Max, not too much audio specification is provided for the Zone"

    Not necessary for the target market, which is people who are mostly interested in showing you how much hipper they are than you.

    1. Kane
      Joke

      "Not necessary for the target market, which is people who are mostly interested in showing you how much hipper they are than you."

      Jeez, you guys are so unhip it's a wonder your bums don't fall off.

      1. Elongated Muskrat Silver badge

        Unlike Zaphod Beeblebrox, who is so hip, he has trouble seeing over his own pelvis.

        Man, what a hoopy frood he is...

      2. Martin-73 Silver badge
        Alien

        Upvoted to bring the upvote count to 42

    2. GruntyMcPugh

      Bandanas are still hip aren't they? Aren't they?

      1. Arthur the cat Silver badge

        Surely that should be spats?

    3. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Upper freq limit 12kHz... that'll be for the aging hipster

      1. Elongated Muskrat Silver badge

        I believe that's a typo and should read 22KHz, which is still shit for a modern pair of headphones.

        1. Oglethorpe

          It's not shit, that's pretty much the upper necessary limit. Listen to some BA-packed chifi IEMs if you want to hear something that goes into ultrasound but is still terrible. How tightly the headphones reproduce the target curve will play a much greater role in how good they sound than their ability to reproduce ultrasonics.

          1. ThatOne Silver badge

            You don't account for the canine clientele.

          2. Elongated Muskrat Silver badge

            The upper limit needs to be significantly higher, to get a decent frequency response curve. If the "limit" is 22KHz (or 21, or whatever it actually is) then you'd expect the actual response at that frequency to be pretty dull. Yes, most adults can't hear beyond about 20KHz, but some can, and most young children can hear well beyond that, and let's face it, these things look like they were designed for a child, albeit one with very rich parents.

    4. that one in the corner Silver badge

      Air Pods Max

      Hadn't heard of them before this (yeah, yeah, square) so followed the link provided. And am now left with so many questions about those as well (such as, each ear has a case-detect sensor, presumably for those whose the left ear is upper and the right lower, but are these sensors fully Unicode-capable, for when I'm listening in a foreign language?).

      Clearly, what the Apple and Dyson products (probably others as well) are demonstrating is that something has changed drastically with the headphone wearing portion of the population. Some dreadful series of mutations (perhaps caused by the acceptance of Beats by Dre?) which mean that now some are so hideously deformed they need to hide behind the Dyson visor whilst others merely have to worry whether one side of their head is gravitationally warped compared to the other, hence needing separate Apple-supplied accelerometers?

  5. sgp

    In those 6 years and 500 prototypes no-one had the bravoury to say this is just a terrible idea from the start.

    1. heyrick Silver badge

      Six years and 500 prototypes and it looks like they copied a prop from a low budget sci-fi movie.

      1. that one in the corner Silver badge

        From 2024 onwards, after the remaindered stock is sold off, you'll be spotting them in every Asylum sci-fi extravaganza, slowly getting larger as they are repainted for each film. The opposing space fleet will be made up of curling tongs, as per usual.

    2. gnasher729 Silver badge

      Some people got their salaries paid for six years… Why would they stop that?

  6. Piro

    It's not supposed to seal

    That would appear to be a design decision for comfort reasons, it throws a breeze of filtered air in your face.

    It's sad so many live in such polluted areas. Probably the same areas such gizmos are produced, emitting further pollution.

    1. Joe W Silver badge

      Re: It's not supposed to seal

      Yeah, a conjunctivitis-generator!

      1. Piro

        Re: It's not supposed to seal

        At least the battery doesn't last very long in that filter mode anyway.

  7. Ali Dodd
    FAIL

    Snot Cannon

    This is actually danagerous to health of those around the user and should be banned. Blowing air onto & into the user's mouth and nose will spread any pathogens to the surrounding area as it is not then filtered. It's moronically stupid and dangerous and will cause more infections and potentially kill people, not the wearer, no that selfish prick will be fine...

    A fan powered costume caused a super spreader event in a US hospital as the fan spread around everybody near it the wearer's unknown illness. This a snot cannon and really REALLY dumb (and studpidly expensive to boot).

    1. GruntyMcPugh

      Re: Snot Cannon

      We need to get #SnotCannon trending on Twitter.

      1. Johnb89

        Re: Snot Cannon

        Already done, ish

        https://twitter.com/RealSexyCyborg/status/1509125141439033348

        Beware, clever as she is, some would consider her feed NSFW.

  8. Chris 216

    Engineers! Engineers EVERYWHERE!

    Depending on your source, Dyson (that being the same Dyson that rolled out a fleet of Hoovers with a design fault in the On/Off switch) have about 1500 engineers* in the UK.

    1500.

    One thousand, five hundred.

    * With nary a grey hair amongst them, I'll wager...

    1. oiseau
      Facepalm

      Re: Engineers! Engineers EVERYWHERE!

      ... have about 1500 engineers* in the UK.

      Which have to make a living while (unfortunately) working on stupid ideas/designs.

      It is not really their fault, although the lack of grey hair is probably an impediment.

      The real issue at Dyson is that there are a group of people, most probably of the marketing species that thought this up.

      Once those abortions of nature pitched the idea, a few higher ups with an absolute lack of common sense thought this thing was actually a good idea and then some CXX that actually gave the go ahead because they are certified idiots, just like the destinataries of the new Dyson product.

      Actually, I think thatthe engineers had no choice but to go along.

      I have seen that sort of thing happen far too many times.

      O.

      1. My-Handle

        Re: Engineers! Engineers EVERYWHERE!

        I once attended a convention where a dyson saleswoman tried to sell me on a vacuum with a digital motor. When I asked why it was any better than a normal motor, she proudly told me it was "zero carbon".

        Me being the pedantic fart that I am, with knowledge of how both types of motors worked, said saleswoman then got a full lecture on how that wasn't what "zero carbon" meant, as it referred to carbon emissions, not the use of carbon in the bloody motor brushes, and that how any extra precision of movement that a digital motor might grant probably wouldn't add anything to the movement of extremely malleable, compressable air.

        I'm not sure if I feel proud or ashamed of that, to be honest. It does get my goat when marketing drones just spout off words and ideas without the faintest idea of what they're talking about.

        1. Peter Gathercole Silver badge

          Re: Engineers! Engineers EVERYWHERE!

          I think I nearly made a tele-salesperson cry once by pointing out that the 'government backed' subsidised green energy product they were trying to sell was actually being paid for by other customers of the energy company, probably those who could least afford it, not the government.

          They said that they were going to check this out with their supervisor before hanging up. I felt really guilty, but I can't stand when sales people try to sell stuff that they don't really understand.

          I also upset a person canvassing for opposition to Hinkley C, who claimed that onshore windmills could do the same job, by pointing out just how many would be needed to generate the same amount of power, and how much of the Somerset coastline would be occupied by said windmills. They just hadn't thought it through.

        2. ThatOne Silver badge

          Re: Engineers! Engineers EVERYWHERE!

          > when marketing drones just spout off words and ideas without the faintest idea of what they're talking about.

          Have you ever met a marketing drone who has the faintest idea of what they're talking about?

  9. jollyboyspecial

    Dyson had a very good idea years ago. Since then he doesn't seem to have had another, so he employs people to have good ideas on his behalf. They don't seem to have had any good ideas recently either.

    The trouble is that if you set yourself up as a company that sells revolutionary products then you have to keep coming up with revolutionary products in order to keep the brand in the public eye. I can imagine brainstorming meetings where people run ideas up the flagpole (and all that shite) where people throw out increasingly desperate ideas for new products. It makes me wonder what utter tripe got rejected if this was the one that made it through to production.

    1. This post has been deleted by its author

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        well, my 15 quid argos-branded non-brand vacuum bought about 15 years ago works just as well, though sadly, the part that hides the bag is not transparent.

        ...

        yeah, I might have spent another 15 quid by now on those bags... Not transparent either.

      2. Elongated Muskrat Silver badge

        Don't be mean, he invented a wheelbarrow with a ball for a wheel, which was a brilliant idea, and caught on everywhere! Just tell me the last time you saw a wheelbarrow with a normal wheel on it?

        Other brilliant ideas he has also had include supporting brexit, and moving all his manufacturing to the far east to take advantage of the much lower wages he can get away with paying. Who needs ethics when you can employ marketeers to come up with slick ad campaigns?

        1. Michael Strorm Silver badge

          Typical hypocritical Brexiteer

          > moving all his manufacturing to the far east

          Not just that, but *after* publicly supporting Brexit, he relocated his company's headquarters to Singapore in 2019.

          Nice show of support, given all the platitudes about British industry you and your Brexiteering chums had been spouting three years ealier.

          That sums up Brexit and the right-wingers who pushed for it all over. Spouting ra-ra-ra Union-Jack-slathered platitudes when it suited them in their plan to turn the UK into a low-regulation, low-tax, low-rights, run-for-the-super-rich (and super-corrupt) race-to-the-bottom, then ditching the UK and fucking off elsewhere once the plebs had given them what they wanted.

          Isn't surprising that his business is gimmicky, plasticky, overpriced, overhyped style-over-substance tat.

        2. SundogUK Silver badge

          "...to take advantage of the much lower wages he can get away with paying."

          He moved to Singapore, you idiot. The wages are significantly higher. The taxes, however...

          1. F. Frederick Skitty Silver badge

            He moved the company to Singapore for taxable purposes, but most manufacturing is in Malaysia. I assume he had to have some manufacturing presence in Singapore to qualify for the tax status, but it's minimal.

          2. Elongated Muskrat Silver badge

            Downvoted, for not knowing the difference between Singapore, where he has moved his offices, for tax purposes, and Malaysia, where he has moved his manufacturing for slavery-level wage purposes.

            Neither is exactly "red-white-and-blue brexit proud British company" is it?

            Who looks like the idiot now? The person who checked their facts, or the one who stuck his hand straight into the ad-hom bin and pulled out an armful?

            1. Anonymous Coward
              Anonymous Coward

              You cannot blame a right-wing brextremist for knee-jerking to the defence of one of the brexit elite. Any more than you can blame cocks for crowing in the morning. Be fair.

              1. Anonymous Coward
                Anonymous Coward

                Weird. Mine stays silent. Or maybe the blankets muffle it.

        3. jollyboyspecial

          "Don't be mean, he invented a wheelbarrow with a ball for a wheel, which was a brilliant idea, and caught on everywhere! Just tell me the last time you saw a wheelbarrow with a normal wheel on it?"

          Like many Dyson products (those invented by him and those invented by others under his brand) it wasn't really an invention as such.

          It was still a wheel, just a ball shaped wheel. It IIRC it was hard plastic which definitely had disadvantages when compared with a pneumatic tyre on rough surfaces.

          But that's how Dyson works isn't it? It's about selling stuff that looks radical rather than actually being radical.

          1. MJI Silver badge

            He was good at

            Taking an existing idea and using it elsewhere.

            Had some good ideas, but now makes overpriced tat.

        4. Arthur the cat Silver badge

          Just tell me the last time you saw a wheelbarrow with a normal wheel on it?

          Latest two sightings: last Sunday when my wife did some gardening and Tuesday passing the builders working on my neighbour's house.

          1. My-Handle

            Similar story here. I spotted two earlier today - both wheelbarrows live in our barn. One big one for hay, the smaller one for manure. The big one even has two normal wheels.

          2. Elongated Muskrat Silver badge

            Maybe I should have pointed out the irony for those for whom it was not apparent.

            For clarity, ball barrows are shit, his loud fragile overpriced vacuum cleaners are shit, and brexit is shit.

      3. F. Frederick Skitty Silver badge

        I also had one of his vacuum cleaners, drawn in by the claim it was good at removing pet hair from carpets, curtains, etc. Horrible thing that was soon broken when I accidentally hoovered up a paper clip. That caused catastrophic damage to the brittle innards which couldn't be repaired since much of the device was glued or plastic welded together, so back it went for a refund.

        Since then I've owned a cheaper (although not super cheap) shop vacuum - the kind sold for use in workshops and the like. Mostly metal rather than plastic, generic bags are available online for pennies, and it sucks harder than a fatty drinking a McDonald's milkshake.

        1. NXM Silver badge

          Total suckers

          We have a Dyson hoover, which is utterly crap. The tubes leak and can't be repaired, so it sucks up nothing.

          We also have a Henry, which is quiet, efficient, and effective. Also much cheaper and you can always get spares for it.

          Choose something that works instead of a device clearly designed by 12-year-olds on a sugar rush in their playpen.

          1. F. Frederick Skitty Silver badge

            Re: Total suckers

            Yup, the machine I alluded to above is a Henry. Made in the UK, so it's not as though a products sold at a massive premium like Dyson does can't be economically made here.

          2. oliversalmon
            Thumb Up

            Re: Total suckers

            Henry's are the best, you can tell they are good and very robust as builders and people in workshops use them.

            1. DishonestQuill

              Re: Total suckers

              Henry are very good but Fast give them a run for their money, you'll go through more fuses but they weigh a lot less. Such are the things you learn when working as a cleaner for 13 years.

        2. MJI Silver badge

          Not long lasting

          They tended to wear out parts, clog and generally play up.

          We have a nice lightweight GTech which is good enough for us.

        3. gnasher729 Silver badge

          My Shark doesn’t exactly like paper clips but they can be removed easily enough with some swearing involved.

      4. Rob

        Ditto, my wife and bought into the sales pitch and thought we'd give one of his cordless uprights a go, complete bag-o-shite. Can just about run for 20mins before running out of charge and has no where near the amount of power as the cordless Shark that we repalced it with, which is way better value for money and works really well.

        1. sgp

          Happy Henry owner here as well. Come to think of it, I also have a Brompton and a Dualit. And I'm not even British!

  10. Geoff Campbell Silver badge
    WTF?

    <Peers over glasses>

    It's not often one sees an entire corporation jump the shark, is it?

    GJC

    1. Stuart Castle Silver badge

      Re: <Peers over glasses>

      IMO, Dyson jumped the shark years ago.. I've had three Dyson cleaners.. The first was brilliant, and lasted for 10 years of fairly heavy use. The second lasted a couple of years, then failed. Because the first one had been so good, we assumed the fault was a one off and got a Dyson engineer in to fix it. He said it wasn't viable to repair it, and suggested we buy a new one. Stupidly, we did. That lasted a couple of years, then started blocking on every use. I've stripped it down as far as I can, cleaning out everything I could, but it still blocks every time.

      As a result, I bought a Shark with a couple of batteries. That's a brilliant little hoover and picks up most of the rubbish, and we still have the Dyson for the heavier stuff, just need to make sure it's unblocked first..

      1. Fr. Ted Crilly Silver badge

        Re: <Peers over glasses>

        Shark are v good on cat hair too ;-)

      2. Elongated Muskrat Silver badge

        Re: <Peers over glasses>

        We've got a Vytronix one, bagless, cordless, battery with a decent charge in it. Sucks up dirt adequately.

        I think it cost about £80, which last time I checked was about 1/5th that of a die-some.

      3. MJI Silver badge

        Re: <Peers over glasses>

        Found similar, first was good but eventually wore out, a newer one we were given was a pile of crap.

        Shark are good, but a little heavy for a lightweight one, the roller dehairer is good though.

        As above we went GTech.

  11. lidgaca-2
    Coat

    Dyson's suck ...

    Oh wait a minute.

    1. 45RPM Silver badge

      They sometimes suck.

      The rest of the time they don’t work at all.

      1. TimMaher Silver badge
        Joke

        Re:- suck.

        “Suck Samantha, suck! Blow is just a figure of speech.”

    2. Danny 14

      they have equally exoensive shite that blows.

  12. Felonmarmer

    Not a fan.

    So it removes 38 decibels of environmental noise for the user, how much does it add to other peoples environment nearby with the fan noise?

    1. Potemkine! Silver badge
      Trollface

      Re: Not a fan.

      You think about other people? What are you, a bloody communist?

      /s

      == Bring us Dabbsy back! ==

  13. drand

    Dyson peaked with the Ballbarrow

    Since then he's devoted his time to becoming a poundshop Steve Jobs and I can't stand him.

    1. Stork

      Re: Dyson peaked with the Ballbarrow

      Those things have not made it to Portugal - have I been missing something? What the supposed advantage?

      1. Missing Semicolon Silver badge

        Re: Dyson peaked with the Ballbarrow

        Since the barrow rotates about the axle of the ball when you tilt it, instead of the point of contact of the wheel with the ground, the barrow does not have a tendency to fall over when it is not held dead level. You can also make small course corrections by gently tilting it, instead of stepping round at the back.

        Certainly, the disinclination to fall over makes it easier to operate.

  14. This post has been deleted by its author

  15. Dacarlo
    Mushroom

    Google Glass 2.0

    Alas Dyson doesn't rhyme with 'Asshole'.

  16. 45RPM Silver badge

    The ball barrow was fine - except over rubble, where the ball was too fragile.

    His vacuum cleaner works - but not as well as those from other brands.

    The rest of his stuff just seems pointless.

    And his beloved Brexit is a disaster.

    Dyson is a triumph of marketing over substance.

    1. gfx

      The airblade sort of works for drying hands but it is only cold air and makes a lot of noise. (like all Dysons)

      1. Chris 216

        I forgot the Airblade!

        The product that removes water from your hands into a puddle on the floor.

        1. Anonymous Coward
          Anonymous Coward

          Re: I forgot the Airblade!

          Those air blades are a health hazard, blasting dirty water into the surrounding atmosphere to be inhaled by anyone else in the bathroom. They also get quiclky covered in mould (and in one case I've seen, moss) since they get wet with every use.

          1. Anonymous Coward
            Anonymous Coward

            Re: I forgot the Airblade!

            How do they get wet? The idea was to make it non tocuh, so that one surprised me.

            1. Anonymous Coward
              Anonymous Coward

              Re: I forgot the Airblade!

              They blow the water off your hands and that clearly has to go somewhere. The air blades we have, you put your hands into them from above, and it blows the water mostly over the device itself. The rest ends up as a fine mist that can be inhaled by your fellow bathroom users.

          2. Elongated Muskrat Silver badge

            Re: I forgot the Airblade!

            Yeah, I fucking hate those things. When they did a "refurb" of the communal areas of our office building (back when we had to actually be there), they replaced the working had-dryers with those awful Dyson things (the ones that just blow a column of air, and not the "blade" ones). About a month later, they stuck large panels of acrylic to the walls behind them to deal with the damp and peeling paint. Half the time, they don't detect your hands under them, or stop after about five seconds.

            When I've had to use the "blade" ones that you put your hands under (rather than in), you end up having to do a Tommy Cooper impression just to keep the thing blowing air at your hands.

        2. Anonymous Coward
          Anonymous Coward

          Re: I forgot the Airblade!

          The Airblade is a highly effective wide area virus spreader if people don't wash their hands properly. Which they don't.

          1. that one in the corner Silver badge

            Re: I forgot the Airblade!

            All blower hand driers are efficient spreaders of all sorts of contamination, as the late, great, Jack Cohen[1] demonstrated years before Dyson's version appeared.

            Extra points for all the automated "air fresheners" that squirt lemon-scented[2] sprays into the air above the hot drier and its very worn and sparking electric motor, causing a buildup of strange brown stains on the wall (and you eyes, lungs and everywhere that the blower can send it). Limonene is ok, limonene and ozone is bad news.

            [1] you may know him from Science of Discworld, from his work with various authors designing viable alien biosystems (e.g. Niven/Pournelle/Barnes samlon) or from his contributions to understanding issues surrounding human reproductive biology.

            [2] lemon-scented moist towelettes are fine, but you may experience a short delay until they are in stock.

        3. Anonymous Coward
          Anonymous Coward

          Re: I forgot the Airblade!

          Airblade you say?

          I thought it was christened by a sarcastic Glaswegian,

          Surr, why dinna we call et the "Ear-bleed?"

      2. Steve Button Silver badge

        Wait, the "airblade" is for DRYING YOUR HANDS!?

        I thought it was a badly designed urinal. No wonder I always walk out of the loo covered in piss. I just thought I was doing it wrong.

        1. TaabuTheCat

          "I thought it was a urinal"

          You owe me a keyboard.

        2. Roger Kynaston
          Coffee/keyboard

          keyboard due

          Best comment of the month!

        3. captain veg Silver badge

          Er, you were doing it wrong.

          -A.

        4. Anonymous Coward
          Anonymous Coward

          Next you'll be telling us you don't know what the three seashells are for.

      3. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        As this is a family website I won't mention the story my friend told me about one incident which illustrates the danger of combining an Airblade wash and dry tap with a round sink bowl.

        1. The Oncoming Scorn Silver badge
          Childcatcher

          As this is a family website

          Since when......OHHHhhhh!

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Our DC05 is still working, and must be getting on for 18 or so years old, (it's a cylinder vaccum rather than an upright, and therefore has not a lot to go wrong with it) but I won't be buying another Dyson, or any other brand that won't sell me a basic cylinder model with a power cord rather than a rechargeable battery.

      Incidentally, he did a vacuum cleaner with a ball instead of wheels. My in-laws had one, but like their previous upright dyson cleaner, it died not long after the warranty ran out.

      1. Mike 137 Silver badge

        "like their previous upright dyson cleaner, it died not long after the warranty ran out"

        That's called 'value engineering' and you can actually study it at college these days.

        1. J. Cook Silver badge

          Yup; everything is using value engineering. even buildings, which is why we had to buy a pallet's worth of rack mount UPS units for the network closets instead of having feeds from the house UPS run to them...

    3. Danny 14

      i saw someone fill a ballbarrow with rubble, the wheel collapsed. Our rusted ancient barrow hauls anything and is at least 30 years old. It was moving concrete section panels onot this year as I cant carry them a long way on my own.

      1. Elongated Muskrat Silver badge

        When I took on my allotment, the previous tenant had left a rusty old wheelbarrow at the end of the plot with a perished and flat tyre. A replacement wheel (with a solid tyre) and axle cost about a tenner, and I have a fully functional wheelbarrow, thank you very much. I dread to think how much a replacement "ball" costs, but I'm willing to bet you can buy an entire "conventional" wheelbarrow for a comparable amount. And those balls are plastic, so they are going to perish and crack if left outside, because UV light in sunlight "cures" plastics, and temperature cycling of rigid plastics eventually causes cracking from thermal expansion.

    4. Missing Semicolon Silver badge

      Earler Dyson Vaccums were OK

      We have a DC41, which always leaves the carpet cleaner than any other vacuum. It will fill its bin from a carpet that's just been cleaned with another machine. The DC40 and earlier were better, as they were allowed to have full-fat motors (thanks EU!).

      We also have a V7 portable. We chose an earlier model as they are lighter. The 20-minute run-time is quite adequate for a semi - you tend to use it little and often as it is light and easy to get out and use.

      Having said that, both are only working as I am a bit handy at fixing.

  17. Howard Sway Silver badge

    prototypes included "a snorkel-like clean air mouthpiece paired with a backpack"

    Oh how I would have loved to have been in the meeting when someone brought this in.

    "Genius! You'll be the coolest guy on the tube wearing this gear! And if it floods, instant lifesaving scuba diving system!".

  18. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    The British biz, which moved its headquarters to Singapore a few years ago

    I'll bite: is it that the biz run by this fine British enterpreneur who was once a mouthpiece for brexit and upon brexit success (brexess?) moved his business to the cradle of democracy called Sing-a-pore, on completely unrelated grounds? If so, I'm absolutely positive there'll be huge market for this fine piece of sculptured design-cum-engineering-cum-muzzle-bring-your-own-batteries-breakthrough-contraption. I mean, look, who WOULDN'T want to walk with this thing on your face literally anywhere on this planet? Alien, aka face-hugger slithers away in shame.

  19. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    people will buy this

    For at least 2 reasons

    1. there's always enough fools and in that group, a smaller, but large enough sub-group, fools with money.

    2. some will buy this speculatively, hoping that in 25 years time, they'll be able to cash in by peddling this thingy on some online (what else) 2050 equivalent of ebay.

    ...

    possibly a museum or two, that falls into one of the above categories.

    And Musk.

    And his clowns.

    See? Brilliant idea, though they should have priced it at USD 1999, more hate thus more hype.

  20. Fr. Ted Crilly Silver badge

    What

    Utter wankerteering product, smacks of one individual's ego imo.

  21. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    The Dyson Zone, with its visor attached, weighs in at 670 grams,

    hmm... perhaps I might interest you in an alternative project, at only 1.2 kg considered 'featherweight' in its class? Also, goes over your head and does other, potentially useful stuff, like keeping your ears warm. Also, 'unrivalled efficienty', and potentially a price tag to match the taste of our discerning clientele. Would sir be interested? .... if I can take head measurements, yes, we certainly take all credit cards!

    www.armyrecognition.com/defense_news_december_2022_global_security_army_industry/discover_unrivaled_efficiency_of_ulbrichts_optio_and_zenturio_protective_ballistic_helmets.html

    1. Elongated Muskrat Silver badge

      Re: The Dyson Zone, with its visor attached, weighs in at 670 grams,

      670g might sound heavy for something to plonk on your head, but bear in mind, that anyone who buys this will already have a sturdy neck to go with their thick head.

  22. Disgusted Of Tunbridge Wells Silver badge
    Holmes

    If the purpose is to reduce pollution inhaled, rather than be a gas mask for some dystopian sci-fi, surely the positive pressure would do a good enough job to give the user clean-enough air?

    ( Not for me, but London isn't for me either )

  23. hammarbtyp
    Gimp

    why work from home when you could travel through the smog?

    So on one hand, James Dyson blasts the UK government plans to extends the right to work from home, then the next announces the "perfect" device for that city commute for those with more money than sense

    I wonder if they work as well as the respirators they were going to provide for the UK during lockdown...

    1. gnasher729 Silver badge

      Re: why work from home when you could travel through the smog?

      On the train you see people with all kinds of EarPods, and people with headphones. I usually don’t care much what other people think, but I cannot imagine being seen on the train with this monstrosity.

  24. Natalie Gritpants Jr

    Did any of you get as far as the frequency response? I'm ancient, and yet I can still hear over 12 kHz

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: IBM Engineer...

      6-12 Hz apparently, now I'm no audio engineer, but that does not sound like much of a range to me!

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: IBM Engineer...

      I misread that, it's 6Hz to 12 Khz!

      1. This post has been deleted by its author

        1. Elongated Muskrat Silver badge

          Re: IBM Engineer...

          6 Hz is well below the normal range of human hearing. I wonder if that's just the limit of the noise-cancelling in order to minimise the rumble from the fan motors below your ears.

          I write software for a living. If something I produced had an expensive and complicated work-around for a side-effect of another "feature", we'd call that "code smell," and go back and work out what had been done wrong. In this case, "what has been done wrong" is clearly the amount of coke the marketing department are hoovering dysoning up their noses.

          1. Korev Silver badge
            Childcatcher

            Re: IBM Engineer...

            > In this case, "what has been done wrong" is clearly the amount of coke the marketing department are hoovering dysoning up their noses.

            In case you've not seen the rival vacuum cleaners' habit...

        2. Anonymous Coward
          Anonymous Coward

          Re: IBM Engineer...

          So the Dyson's good for elephants and your Beyer's are good for bats...

        3. Mike 137 Silver badge

          Re: IBM Engineer...

          "Their actual range is 6Hz to 21kHz"

          There's a parameter missing so this is meaningless. What's the variation in relative amplitude over that frequency range? That is (bluntly), how lumpy is the frequency response? Many of these high price gizmophones have appalling ones.

  25. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Looking forward to it being reviewed

    Preferably by Naomi Wu who can probably come up with a better earphone mask combo in a week.

  26. Plest Silver badge
    Mushroom

    HOW MUCH?!!

    What the hell has happened in the world where any sane person can think that £750 is an appropriate amount for headphones?! Don't even give me that rubbish about audiophiles and the need to pay £2k for gold plated cable connectors to give a 0.05% boost to certain frequencies, you're full of crap! You simply spent that to show off and now you need to justify to yourself and your bank manager why you're such a gulliable prat.

    Lister said best on Red Dwarf, "Back before you ruined your tastebuds with spicey curries and overly enthusiatic oral sex!". Same with hearing, unless you're a professional audio engineer or under the age of 15, you're hearing is more or less shot to pieces just like the rest of us. Traffic, screaming kids and sirens have seen to that.

    As my old man always said, "Hey, it's your money son!". ( He did that to stop me turning into a prat who'd waste £750 on a pair of overpriced earmuffs! )

    1. Elongated Muskrat Silver badge

      Re: HOW MUCH?!!

      Indeed, my (still rather expensive) Corsair headset cost a tenth of that, and it's not made out of fucking plastic (well, bits of the casing are, but the bits that count are powder coated steel). That has a frequency range of 20Hz-30KHz, so better drivers too.

      FWIW, anything below 20HZ is considered infrasound, and is likely to not be heard but instead sensed as an uncomfortable vibration on the side of your head.

    2. gnasher729 Silver badge

      Re: HOW MUCH?!!

      There are headphones in that price range that are worth their money because they do sound better (although one owner that I knew who loved classical music complained that they were useless for half of his CDs because you could hear the slightest bit of noise from the audience).

      I paid £100 for some good headphones, but I wouldn’t blame someone spending a lot more. And you can do that without being stupid.

  27. Barry Rueger

    Segway!

    Surely these will appeal to those last, determined Segway riders!

  28. Cyberian
    Alert

    Mask apparently(?) addresses urban pollution and noise, but doesn't even seal to the face

    Shouldn't that "apparently" be replaced by "allegedly" ?

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Mask apparently(?) addresses urban pollution and noise, but doesn't even seal to the face

      "allergically"?

      1. The Oncoming Scorn Silver badge
        Pint

        Re: Mask apparently(?) addresses urban pollution and noise, but doesn't even seal to the face

        Ohhhh dear I read Mask as Musk.

  29. BPontius

    A kick my butt sign

    Spend nearly one thousand dollars to get your butt kicked in this dorky get up!!

    1. Elongated Muskrat Silver badge
      Devil

      Re: A kick my butt sign

      It's a useful indicator for the sort of person who is likely to have a wallet or phone worth stealing in their back pocket, and won't notice you doing it.

  30. Jamie Jones Silver badge

    "Bladless Fan"

    .. in the same way that I am a "foot-less" person, because my feet are tucked up into my shoes.

    1. Kevin McMurtrie Silver badge

      Re: "Bladless Fan"

      It's probably a Tesla turbine, soon to be called a Dyson turbine.

  31. SundogUK Silver badge

    I doubt he's expecting to sell many in USA or Europe. This sounds very much like it is aimed at the Asia-Pacific markets.

  32. trevorde Silver badge

    "Just what I've always wanted!"

    Said no one ever

  33. ske1fr
    Mushroom

    Prior art

    Dyson AirBlade: introduced in 2006

    Mitsubishi Jet Towel: introduced in 1993

    As soon as I saw the first AirBlade I recognised it. If the deafening over-priced recycling-centre-infesting vacuum cleaners hadn't already convinced me to swerve this shyster's products, the AirBlade finished him. Oh, and remember the contra-rotating drum washing machine?

    Here's a thought. Build something simple and effective at a sensible price, and they will come.

    1. nijam Silver badge

      Re: Prior art

      > deafening over-priced recycling-centre-infesting vacuum cleaners

      If only I could offer more than one thumbs-up for that succinct and apposite description.

  34. Mystic Megabyte

    How to look like a dickhead in one easy step.

  35. nijam Silver badge

    > ...6Hz to 12kHz ...

    Nowhere near hifi. Although 6Hz is unnecessarily low.

    1. that one in the corner Silver badge

      > 6Hz is unnecessarily low

      Yeah, it is right down in "personal massager" territory - ah, now it makes sense, 'cos these will only be bought by total bankers!

  36. Fruit and Nutcase Silver badge
    Trollface

    Gobbledygook to 11

    Skimming through that information page, what it reminded me of was of products which are pitched in "infomercials".

    https://www.dyson.com/newsroom/news/product/dyson-zone-audio

    And I was very disappointed not to see a mention of the use of oxygen-free copper

    1. ThatOne Silver badge
      Devil

      Re: Gobbledygook to 11

      > oxygen-free copper

      It's "100% vegan copper" nowadays.

  37. Fruit and Nutcase Silver badge
    Joke

    Get taken to the cleaners...

    Buy Dyson

  38. tojb
    Thumb Up

    Good idea

    Air quality regulations in EU and globally are behind the science. Metal and metal-oxide nanoparticles arise from exhaust, tire dust, and steel industry as well as from natural dusts in dry conditions. They are flat-out terrible for long-term health, to an extent underestimated in the last big wave of standards-setting in the seventies due to slowness of cumulative damage and lack of decent science to show etiologies at that time.

    Electrostatic filters are standard technology to control this type of dust, already applied (half-assedly) at many factory and foundry stacks. The mask still looks stupid though, I want one that looks *more* like Bane.

    Integration with cycle and mb helmets would seem like a good idea.

    1. Elongated Muskrat Silver badge

      Re: Good idea

      Something that doesn't cover your nose and mouth, and which doesn't have some serious micro-particulate filters in it, is going to be as effective at filtering out such things as the square root of fuck all.

      This thing will probably just blow ozone up your nose from the electric motors, which isn't good for you...

    2. rg287 Silver badge

      Re: Good idea

      Metal and metal-oxide nanoparticles arise from exhaust, tire dust, and steel industry as well as from natural dusts in dry conditions. They are flat-out terrible for long-term health,

      Exhaust & tire dust is indeed terrible for people. The obvious thing to do is ban private cars and ICE vehicles from urban areas and convert the rammed roads into cycle paths with planting. This solves the majority of both noise-pollution and air-pollution, as well as improving safety and reducing the number of RTAs and struck-pedestrian incidents.

      Of course you still need a bit of space for delivery vehicles and some bus/tramways, but it means that we don't need to each spend £3-5k to protect our families.

      1. Elongated Muskrat Silver badge

        Re: Good idea

        Right you are, I'll cycle with my wife to visit her family on the other side of the country at Christmas then.

        What's that? Use public transport? Sure thing, I'll use the fairy-bus to get to the middle of rural Norfolk.

        Whilst I agree that we should be avoiding unnecessary car journeys, and walking or cycling instead, or using public transport, where we can, those who seem to think that cycling is the answer to everyone's transport needs obviously live in places where it is practical, and are young and fit and healthy enough to use it.

        Some of us don't live in places where it is possible (such as very hilly areas or miles from anywhere) or are otherwise unable to cycle (got any disabled friends?).

        We need a change to infrastructure (and ways of working / living) to reduce our need for cars, but don't blame the people in cars for having to have a car, and don't get all "high and mighty" because your own circumstances mean you can cycle to wherever it is you are trying to go.

  39. Martin-73 Silver badge

    is this the same dyson,,,

    who said brexit would help Britain, then moved himself offshore ASAP?

  40. Cuddles

    Visor

    "The Dyson Zone headphones come with a removable "visor" that uses a pair of compressors and electrostatic filters to "project purified air at the wearer's nose and mouth.""

    A visor, by definition, goes in front of your eyes. The similarity to the word "vision" is not coincidental. On the other hand, using this thing as a visor would probably look just as sensible and provide precisely the same level of protection.

  41. rg287 Silver badge

    What's sad here is that the comments have immediately gone to "sound quality will be terrible" and "it looks ridiculous", and nobody seems to be saying "if pollution is an issue, how about we reduce it?".

    Technical solutions to social problems never end well.

    If an urban area has unacceptable air pollution then you need to pedestrianise key foot-traffic areas, run a bus or tram in, provide some secure bike storage and ban private cars. Simples.

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