back to article Porsche wants to sell you a rusty tailpipe soundbar for $12k

What is a Porsche fan to do when sitting on the couch, separated from their beloved ride by the confining walls of home, unable to gaze upon the beauty of the vehicle's… tailpipe? The answer: ogle this $12,000 soundbar with a Porsche 992 GT3 exhaust system strapped to it instead. The specs on the 1.5m (5ft), 65kg (143lb) …

  1. Neil Barnes Silver badge

    Every time

    when I think that things can't possibly get any more bizarre, sure enough, they do...

    1. TimMaher Silver badge
      Facepalm

      Re: Every time

      But have you read the article (this edition) about Minecraft and Burberry?

    2. aerogems Silver badge

      Re: Every time

      You ask me, it's things like this that offer the best proof we are just NPCs in a giant computer simulation. We must be living in the test environment, which explains all the conspiracy theory nonsense and... well... things like this.

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: Every time

        I blame the mice.

    3. zuckzuckgo Silver badge
      Coat

      Re: Every time

      > when I think that things can't possibly get any more bizarre, sure enough, they do...

      I know what you mean. Its exhausting.

  2. Yet Another Anonymous coward Silver badge

    VW version

    Actually puts out exhaust and gasses you

    1. nintendoeats Silver badge

      Re: VW version

      We shall never forget.

    2. CrazyOldCatMan Silver badge

      Re: VW version

      And, like most Germanic motor manufacturers, you will only get the very basic functionality required to fulfill the product description.

      So yes, it's a soundbar. Want to control it remotely? That's the SoundBarRemote option at a nice eyewatering price. Want to stream stuff to it? Another optional feature requiring money to unlock.

      Meanwhile, the Honda/Toyota/Kia equivalent soundbar is half the price and comes with all the functionality. Optional extras are merely pimping the soundbar, not basic functionality.

      This may or may not have been an extended metaphor.

  3. Plest Silver badge
    Facepalm

    As the saying goes....

    "One born every minute."

    Then again there's enough 14 year old millionaires on TikTok who would buy a dog turd on a chain if Ferrari, Porsche or Lamborgini slapped one of their labels on it, so I guess this will probably sell a few units to those with more money than sense.

    1. chivo243 Silver badge
      Stop

      Re: As the saying goes....

      "One born every minute." The school of Barnumomics. Can I get one installed in my self driving car?

      I can only think that Porsche affiliated groups would go for something like this. The sales office of an aftermarket Porsche upgrade shop, parts dealer, body and fender repair company specializing in Porsche.

    2. Mark 85 Silver badge

      Re: As the saying goes....

      "One born every minute."

      I was thinking of "a fool and his money are soon parted". But yours is appropriate also.

    3. Yet Another Anonymous coward Silver badge

      Re: As the saying goes....

      > 14 year old millionaires on TikTok

      Yeah, those losers.

      Now excuse me I have to go and wait in the rain for the train to take me to my job where I file TPS reports in a cubicle for 9 hours for enough money to cover my mortgage OR heating bill.

      1. nintendoeats Silver badge

        Re: As the saying goes....

        You can envy somebody and still think they are a loser.

        1. EVP Silver badge

          Re: As the saying goes....

          You can envy somebody's money and still think they are a loser.

          1. nintendoeats Silver badge

            Re: As the saying goes....

            Envy the resource, not what they do with it.

            1. Yet Another Anonymous coward Silver badge

              Re: As the saying goes....

              Not sure i envy being 14 again.

              But 14 and a $M I could work with

              Although 14 year old me would have blown it all on computers, bicycles and cameras .... totally unlike 40+ years old me

              1. Jimmy2Cows Silver badge
                Coat

                Re: As the saying goes....

                Although 14 year old me would have blown it all on computers, bicycles and cameras .... totally unlike 40+ years old me

                What, no blackjack or hookers? Standards around here really are slipping...

                1. Yet Another Anonymous coward Silver badge

                  Re: As the saying goes....

                  I'm married, I can't afford blackjack and hookers anymore

  4. bofh1961

    Perhaps

    Prospective buyers might donate the cash to the nearest food bank instead... if they want to feel good about themselves. An ancient laptop, amp and pair of speakers would do a better job than this tat and look better too.

  5. Bitsminer Silver badge

    it doesn't come with factory-installed rattling?

    You mean it doesn't come with the fumes of 2.7L engine-oil-burning-on-the-exhaust pipe being blown into the cabin by the heater?

    Damn, that was the best part of my old '75 911.

    That was a damn fine (and F-ing fast) car.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: it doesn't come with factory-installed rattling?

      "You mean it doesn't come with the fumes of 2.7L engine-oil-burning-on-the-exhaust pipe being blown into the cabin by the heater?"

      You can replicate the experience by huffing burning $100 bills from an old Oil filter .... or so I am told !!!

      :)

      [I think the designers of the soundbar may have tried this experience ... you do know what is contaminating 90% of Dollar bills !!! :) ]

      1. M.V. Lipvig Silver badge

        Re: it doesn't come with factory-installed rattling?

        That, ummm, contaminates 100 percent of all paper money in circulation more than 6 months.

  6. I am David Jones

    For this much money…

    …I’d at least want it to recreate the genuine exhaust sound with a little ‘start’ button and an accelerator.

    Vroom vroom!!

  7. Kevin McMurtrie Silver badge

    Automotive audio specifications

    I presume that 300W means, "rail-to-rail output swing against a speaker cone moving in the opposite direction during an overvoltage condition, then rounded up to the nearest 100."

    And made of thin stamped rusty stainless steel, the rare but preferred material of the very finest speakers, combined with audiophile Bluetooth transport.

  8. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Real audiophiles won't touch it as it's digital!

    1. DJO Silver badge

      On a list of reasons why an audiophile wouldn't touch this, "digital" comes in around № 6.

      1. David 132 Silver badge

        And one of the higher 5 reasons being "it's not expensive enough. Add a zero and some waffle about how it gives brilliant clarity and warm overtones to the 1s and 0s, and then we'll talk."

        1. Toni the terrible

          You forgot the gold coated connectors

          1. M.V. Lipvig Silver badge

            Platinum connectors, you plebe. Gold is too base a metal for the true Illuminati.

            Remember the type of people that would go for this silliness.

            1. DJO Silver badge

              Amateurs! Superconducting cable and connectors in a sleeve with liquid helium to keep it nice and chilly - Really it's the inevitable end point for true audiophiles.

              ————————————————

              Actually would superconductors work for audio or would the signal bounce around too much and start interfering with itself?

      2. bobbear

        It's gotta be hot and glassy...

        "No valves in it" probably comes in at number 1, (or pretty close to it..)

        1. Calum Morrison

          Re: It's gotta be hot and glassy...

          My 911 exhaust had valves in it and they enhanced the sound too.

    2. Norman Nescio Silver badge

      Real audiophiles won't touch it as it's digital!

      Touching anything is digital, unless you are using parts of your anatomy other than your fingers and toes. <Frankie_Howerd>Oo, No! Missus!</Frankie_Howerd>

      1. GrahamRJ

        That explains why audiophool stuff is a load of old cock then.

  9. MiguelC Silver badge

    's not for your electric Porsche?

    My first thought reading after the title was that Porsche had made it to enable your electrified p̶e̶n̶i̶s̶ car to sound like the petrol guzzlin' ones

    1. David 132 Silver badge
      Coat

      Re: 's not for your electric Porsche?

      My first thought reading after the title was that Porsche had made it to enable your electrified p̶e̶n̶i̶s̶ car to sound like the petrol guzzlin' ones

      I myself have a large penis to compensate for my very small car.

      1. Norman Nescio Silver badge

        Re: 's not for your electric Porsche?

        I myself have a large penis to compensate for my very small car.

        'Borrowed' it from an Icelandic museum, did you sir?

        1. David 132 Silver badge
          Pint

          Re: 's not for your electric Porsche?

          Drat, found out. No-one ever said the member had to be attached to, or even of the same species as, the person making the claim...

    2. Yet Another Anonymous coward Silver badge

      Re: 's not for your electric Porsche?

      I don't know if it's a requirement elsewhere in the world - but I really need a "this vehicle is reversing" bin lorry recording

      My tiny little electric car is silent reversing and the number of people who walk/push a shopping trolley/wheel a pushchair behind me while going backwards... I think their brain goes, that car is moving, it's reversing lights are on, but there is no noise so it's not really real.

      One person literally walked into the back bumper and then said "it is quiet, isn't it? "

      1. Richard 12 Silver badge

        Re: 's not for your electric Porsche?

        It's a requirement basically everywhere now, but wasn't for quite a long time because a lot of politicians have trouble thinking beyond Thursday morning.

        1. CrazyOldCatMan Silver badge

          Re: 's not for your electric Porsche?

          because a lot of politicians have trouble thinking beyond Thursday morning

          Unless it involves cash, alcohol or a MOTAS..

          (I haven't used that acronym in *years*)

      2. Mike 137 Silver badge

        Re: 's not for your electric Porsche?

        "My tiny little electric car is silent reversing and the number of people who walk/push a shopping trolley/wheel a pushchair behind me while going backwards"

        They do this regularly when my much noisier old IC Volvo estate is reversing too, so the quietness is probably not the key issue. Total lack of attention to their surroundings probably dominates.

        1. Anonymous Coward
          Anonymous Coward

          Re: 's not for your electric Porsche?

          Trouble is, that person has grown up in a world where cars make a noise when idling, so you know when an ICE powered vehicle might move. There's no advanced warning for electric vehicles. As they become common, I'd expect reversing warning sounds when in reverse gear to become mandatory, probably happening first in Scandinavia or Germany.

          I've certainly walked out behind electric cars which have moved with no warning.

          1. Yet Another Anonymous coward Silver badge

            Re: 's not for your electric Porsche?

            Going forward is fine, I have speakers playing Ride of the Valkyries, but nothing for reverse.

            1. CrazyOldCatMan Silver badge

              Re: 's not for your electric Porsche?

              have speakers playing Ride of the Valkyries, but nothing for reverse

              I can supply some prog music that certainly sounds like it's in reverse..

  10. Steve K

    RUST?

    That is definitely not rust!!

    It will be heat staining on the exhaust from manufacture or testing (assuming that the part came off the production line). This is not caused by corrosion, but rather hotspots from welding, or where exhaust gases contact the metal at bends.

  11. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Bah

    When it gets really bad is when they use the car's sound system to "enhance" the engine noise, as many manufacturers do nowadays, complete with external speakers and all so you can regale the general public with synthetic engine sounds.

    How on Earth anyone had the balls to propose, or managed to sell this idea, beats me.

    1. Calum Morrison

      Re: Bah

      I don't know if this is sadder, but those systems are purely for the occupants of the car and don't really carry outside. With most cars being turbocharged these days, the engines are a lot quieter hence the "need" for this. Some Renaults allow you to choose from a range of different classic cars from their range. More interesting is the technique Ford - and I think Porsche themselves - use where real engine sound is fed into the cabin via series of pipes and diaphragms from the engine bay. At least that's sort of real.

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: Bah

        > Some Renaults allow you to choose from a range of different classic cars from their range

        Is there a "4L" option?

        1. Anonymous Coward
          Anonymous Coward

          Re: Bah

          I wish Citroën would do the same and offer a 2CV sound, complete with the original 3.5 zero to 100 km/h acceleration.

          (That's days, not seconds. Downhill and with a tailwind, which was about the only way to reach 100 km/h)

          1. CrazyOldCatMan Silver badge

            Re: Bah

            Complete with the original 3.5 zero to 100 km/h acceleration. (That's days, not seconds. Downhill and with a tailwind)

            To amuse myself recently [1] I tried to calculate how many of the mighty 48 BHP the Morris Minor sitting on the drive had. I got depressed fairly quickly when it became obvious that quite a few of those original horses had indeed shuffled off this mortal coil.

            And I'm pretty certain that, even in it's younger days, getting to 100 kmh (or 62mph in old money) was a fairly distant dream, even gravity-incline assisted. Yes, the book of lies suggests that 70 (ish) MPH was the theoretical top speed but you'd be waiting a long time to get there.

            Nowadays, any attempt to go much over 50mph[2] results in much groaning, creaking and general complaining. And from the car as well.

            [1] I'm easily bored. There are two sorts of people in IT - the ones that meticulously check everything and can be guaranteed to follow a script/procedure properly every time and then there's people like me..

            [2] And the only way you'll actually know what speed you are going is by using GPS (or by having someone in a modern car follow you) since, at anything over 40mph the speedo needle is doing a very good impression of an undecided politician by waving back and forth between two disparate positions..

        2. Calum Morrison

          Re: Bah

          The 4L is being reinvented as an EV so I guess if you switch the petrol engine off, there's your setting.

  12. Sorry that handle is already taken. Silver badge

    Hoowee

    That's a lot of money for some MDF and hydroformed steel sheet

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Hoowee

      "For those worried that they may not be able to get their hands on one of the 500 pieces being made, don't worry"... you can make your own from your local scrapyard for £50 plus an old pair of Beats headphones

      Konnie Huq will be along soon with some stick-back plastic to show you how, kiddies

  13. dodgyoriginals

    Porsche Soundbar...

    Guess you could buy one and stick it on the back of your £99,950 Taycan so that you can make it sound like a 911 without the petrol fumes....

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