back to article Luxury smartphone brand returns with $41,500 device

Vertu, the ostentatious luxury phone brand that began as a brainchild of Nokia, has launched METAVERTU, the "world's first Web3 phone." The device, which supposedly integrates smart terminals, crypto-mining nodes, separate OSs for NFTs and blockchain, high-end service, and whatever other buzzwords you can think of into one …

  1. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Please save us...

    From shit like this, and particularly the people that need to buy them to validate their existence.

    1. Arthur the cat Silver badge

      Re: Please save us...

      A new achievement: more money and buzzwords than sense.

      1. Joe W Silver badge

        Re: Please save us...

        C'mon, let them spend the money, I hope in regions where you pay VAT...

        1. oiseau Silver badge
          WTF?

          Re: Please save us...

          ... to a Himalayan Alligator Leather version encrusted with 18k gold and diamonds at $41,500.

          So many assholes with too much money.

          So little time ...

          O.

  2. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    "VERTU ENGLAND"?

    Yet all the characters in the video are Asian?

    Anyway, they're guaranteed to win the buzzword bingo this week!

    1. JimboSmith Silver badge

      Re: "VERTU ENGLAND"?

      The actual company who now own the rights to the Vertu name, designs and Branding etc. are Vertu France. They got them from Vertu UK in a corporate restructuring and have a website that says everything else is a fake. The Turkish businessman behind Vertu when it went belly up has an ‘interesting’ past https://www.telegraph.co.uk/business/2017/03/12/turkish-exile-snaps-smartphone-maker-vertu-50m/" It has been suggested that this intellectual property should not have been transferred and instead have been included in the bankruptcy sale. Was this just an attempt to keep the company going in another country or was it something else?

      I’ve played with a few Vertu Phones when they were still going in England, and the only thing about them that really stood out was the build quality especially the sapphire screen. I was given a phone, they said my keys wouldn’t damage the screen and I did give it a really good go but I couldn’t scratch it even with a determined effort. I now have access to the same concierge as they used and it’s not bad. Don’t think that comes with the new phones though.

      Actually the clock widgets were very nice and integrated with the calendar.

  3. Magani
    Flame

    The ideal phone for those who care more about what others think of them.

    "Himalayan Alligator Leather" HUH? Everyone knows Himalayan Alligators have fur like the Yeti.

    Love,

    Austin Tacious

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      From the website of an unrelated Hermes handbag:

      "The Himalaya Kelly is crafted from Nile crocodile hide. The designation ‘Himalaya’ does not apply to the origin of the bag, but rather to the delicate gradation of the colour. The smoky grey fades into a pearly white, resembling the majestic, snow-capped Himalayas."

      I think I need to go lie down as my BS detector just exploded...

    2. chivo243 Silver badge
      Go

      Himalayan Alligator Leather, yep that was our big problem during our last trip to the Himalayas, the damn alligators were just awful, biting from dusk to dawn, worse than the mosquitos!

      1. Flocke Kroes Silver badge

        Before you laugh too loud...

        These ones live in China. Habitat destruction is driving them up into mountains where it is too cold for their eggs to develop. They would have to swim a long way to get to the Himalayas. Probably better to commute by plane and keep a home near a viable breeding ground.

      2. Eclectic Man Silver badge
        Go

        re: Himalayan Alligator

        I too have visited the Himalaya, three times, and clearly am not at all as attractive to the native alligators as I thought I might be. I can only assume that it was the Giardia infection (odour of Hydrogen Sulphide / rotten eggs) that kept them away. (Of course I did carry an 'alligator bite kit', just in case, a bit like a snake bite kit, but so much bigger.)

        Incidentally, I thought alligators (short, broad snout) were north American natives, but, hey what do I know?

    3. Hans Neeson-Bumpsadese Silver badge
      Coat

      RE: Himalayan Alligator

      The phone can be attached to a belt by means of a crocodile clip

    4. chivo243 Silver badge

      On second thought, I'll take two of the top of the line models. They'll look stunning on my Corinthian Leather seats!

      1. David 132 Silver badge
        Thumb Up

        KHAAAAANNNNN!!!

  4. ArrZarr Silver badge
    WTF?

    Mining crypto on a phone?

    Now I'm not up to speed on the latest developments in the crypto industry, but has it crashed so hard that all the miners have sold their Icelandic GPU farms leading to a phone being able to do...anything, really when mining?

    1. DrXym Silver badge

      They're probably trying to pitch these garbage phones at crypto bros and Nigerian scammers who like to be pictured flashing cash and posing in front of fast cars.

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        But it only has a 16M selfie cam...

  5. Def Silver badge
  6. Jeroen Braamhaar
    Coat

    Fools, money, parted.

    PT Barnum still hasn't been disproven.

    1. chivo243 Silver badge
      Facepalm

      If ya got that much money, chances are, you've taken advantage of the Barnum affect yourself, and have other fool's money to burn. Not to feed yourself, or put a roof over the family's head... just to piss away.

    2. werdsmith Silver badge

      These will not be purchased by people who have saved for ages to get together the money, or people that take out a loan. The people that buy these, probably as a gift, will have so much money that the cost of these phones will not be noticed. Small change. Peanuts to them.

      Oh what fools they are.

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        > Oh what fools they are.

        You're assuming that there's anyone actually buying this, which is clearly not the case (ok, there's always one) otherwise they would be competing with the real money/fool parters such as Rolex and such. Instead they just keep going broke like it's going out of style.

  7. trevorde Silver badge

    Meanwhile at Apple...

    [stunned silence]

    1. that one in the corner Silver badge

      Re: Meanwhile at Apple...

      Now, these are people who *really* understand Veblen Goods.

    2. StrangerHereMyself Silver badge

      Re: Meanwhile at Apple...

      Well you know Apple's motto: "Never leave money on the table"

      It wouldn't suprise me in the least if they came up with their own take on NFT to squeeze more money out of their fanboys' pockets.

      1. Jon 37

        Re: Meanwhile at Apple...

        Apple have a reputation for being safe. NFTs ... aren't.

        I expect (hope?) Apple are smart enough to avoid NFTs.

      2. Anonymous Coward
        Holmes

        Re: Meanwhile at Apple...

        Apple just announced that NFTs are fine as long as the apps cough over the 30% cut of in-app payments.

  8. Jan 0 Silver badge

    1 TB ROM? Did they mean Flash Memory? (Derived from EEPROM).

    ++ Bring back us Dabbsy! ++

    1. that one in the corner Silver badge

      No, no ROM is correct.

      When you pay, they create the lithography masks to fab your own personalised ROM, which is big enough to hold the Forbes 500 Company 'phone directories - and a complete copy of the blockchain(s) that contain the NFT that is the only proof-of-ownership you get for the this 'phone.

  9. Simon Rockman

    The really interesting thing about this phone is that it's not Android. It's their own, linux based OS, with encryption through a custom chip. This is probably as ambitious as the claim to be the new Appple.

    1. DS999 Silver badge

      It will become obsolete even faster

      If it was Android at least you might be able to hack the bootloader and install generic Linux on it when the vendor no longer supports it. Why should the vendor of a phone that costs this much support it for longer than a year - if you are rich enough to buy it, you are rich enough to buy a new one next year!

      Hard to see this competing versus the companies that will take an ordinary iPhone or Samsung Galaxy and replace the case with something made of gold or t.rex skin and mark it up to 10x their cost.

      1. doublelayer Silver badge

        Re: It will become obsolete even faster

        "If it was Android at least you might be able to hack the bootloader and install generic Linux on it when the vendor no longer supports it."

        Right, because you can do that with all the phones out there. Why should it be any harder to do that with this device? They're probably using the same general firmware with the same lack of documentation and easy-brick locking systems as most Android devices. Don't assume Android will give you any OS freedom, because you'll have to fight for all of it and often it won't work.

        There are lots of good reasons not to buy this ridiculous thing. In fact, the fact that they're trying an alternative OS is the only thing that has any positive attribute whatsoever and that could prove either to be a lie or to not mean anything in the long run. Still, the chances of getting generic Linux to run on any given Android phone are very low.

        1. DS999 Silver badge

          Re: It will become obsolete even faster

          I meant running generic Android not generic Linux.

    2. DrXym Silver badge

      If it's not running Android or iOS it might as well be a $40,000 paper weight.

  10. Triggerfish

    From the official teaser video that alludes to the famous ad 1984, a young man finally breaks the fruit phone's supremacy. VERTU is implying that a new order has formed as a digital revolution based on WEB 3.0 is about to break out.

    Written by people who should suffer the same fate as the marketing division of the Sirius Cybernetic Corporation

    1. I ain't Spartacus Gold badge

      Go stick your head in a pig!

  11. StrangerHereMyself Silver badge

    Stopped reading

    I stopped reading when I read the word NFT.

    1. I ain't Spartacus Gold badge
      Happy

      Re: Stopped reading

      What's wrong with New Phone Tuesdays?

  12. RobThBay

    Porsche designed BB10 phones

    Anyone remember when Blackberry had Porsche designed phones?

    1. David 132 Silver badge

      Re: Porsche designed BB10 phones

      And the first gen Seat Ibiza had a Porsche-designed (ok, tweaked) engine.

      Some brands will whore themselves out to anyone for $$.

  13. Big_Boomer Silver badge

    Loads-a-money

    "Shut yor maaaaaff and look at my new shiny-shiny fing!" Yet more bling for those with more money than sense.

  14. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    For a luxury product, they really didn't spend much time proof-reading their buzzword list. Random spaces missing punctuation, haphazard use of articles, and they even managed to misspell "Beidou", their national navigation system...

    They sure ask for a lot of money, but they're not spending any on their own website.

    https://www.vertu.com/products/metavertu-himalaya-alligator-leather-18k-gold-diamonds

  15. spold

    Still....

    Still going to look crappy when you drop it in the toilet. Whats you doing with you head in the crapper? I's fishing for diamonds I am... Okaaayyy.

  16. DrXym Silver badge

    Know your customers

    Vertu phones basically focus on a very specific demographic - assholes with more money than sense. Russian oligarchs and suchlike who'll pay 40 grand for a mediocre smart phone just because it comes in a fancy case. The sort who are so shallow and insecure about their wealth they think people are only impressed if they show it off by buying crap like this.

  17. Claptrap314 Silver badge

    Now, you need to understand

    Getting those alligators from the New York City sewer system to the Himalayas isn't cheap! You're paying for real work here!

    ("I ain't never had no union steward ask for no hazard pay on account of no alligators in no sewers")

  18. Kevin McMurtrie Silver badge

    Premium boring slab

    I applaud them for breaking the unwritten rule that Android phones can't store more than 256 GB, but a phone claiming premium security and performance needs a headphone jack. Bluetooth might only enable difficult attacks, but the prize is bigger here.

  19. Me.I.Am

    I repeat. There are still children starving around the world unnecessarily.

    Dear phone owner ... Sort your priorities

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Priority only possible if list has more than 1 entry in it !!!

      "Dear phone owner ... Sort your priorities"

      The people who buy these phones have ..... their priority is ME !!!

      They are unable to handle the concept of 'other than I'.

      Usually, they have children BUT this does not alter their focus and they breed yet another generation of self-focused people.

  20. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    All your crypto belong to us?

    what a complete rip off, I bet it'll sell to those influencer idiots on socials.

    the old Vertu factory is now an Aldi and Home Bargains, I assume the original Vertu engineers are all gainfully employed with legitimate companies.

    Unless it was designed and made in the UK, I'd not even trust this device with details of where my dogs favourite place to take a dump is.

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