back to article Apple debuts iPhone 14, Watch 8, other sparkly things

Apple on Wednesday enticed favored members of the media and its ever-enthusiastic employees from Cupertino to hear word of the company's iPhone 14, Apple Watch 8, and second generation AirPods Pro earbuds. The product premiere, dubbed "Far Out," occurred at its Apple Park 'spaceship' HQ, just two days after the company's …

  1. Solviva Bronze badge
    FAIL

    "Both phones include the Crash Detection capability – for force of up to 256 Gs – found in the latest Apple Watch lineup."

    Having watched this love-in show, I found their crash detection awfully Clippy-ish - "It looks like you've been in a crash! Calling Emergency services, you have 10 seconds to cancel..."

    And up to 256 Gs? If you hit 200+ G does it change to "It looks like you've been in a rather high G crash, game over."

    1. 45RPM Silver badge

      I suppose that the phone has to withstand higher G than the human occupants since the human occupants will be enjoying the benefits of seatbelts and airbags - whereas the phone might be brought to a very rapid standstill by the bulkhead or something else hard in the car.

      1. Snowy Silver badge
        Joke

        Or something less hard like a bag of mostly water.

        1. James O'Shea

          An _ugly_ bag of mostly water.

          1. Snake Silver badge

            RE: Ugly bag of mostly water

            OMG, I was just thinking of that line as I was walking down the street!

            ...because it's mostly true [of most people :-( ] Ow, my eyes.

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      "It looks like you've been turned into mush. Thankfully I am now waterproof to 100m, so I won't get damaged when they hose you off whatever you landed on. Have a nice day"

    3. Trigonoceps occipitalis

      It's not the fall that kills you; it's the sudden stop at the end.

      Douglas Adams

      1. cmdrklarg

        No problem, it's just a matter of missing the ground.

  2. 45RPM Silver badge

    Very nice. They’re good upgrades. But are they enough to make me open my wallet?

    Er…

    No.

    But when I do eventually decide to upgrade - five or six years from now just think what they’ll be capable of.

    1. jgarbo
      Gimp

      Bad fanboi! No soup for you!

      1. Anonymous Coward
  3. Mayday Silver badge
    Gimp

    Dynamic Island*

    Who names this crap?

    *Feature actually looks ok though, but the name itself is crap.

    1. Andy Mac
      Gimp

      Re: Dynamic Island*

      Isn’t it just “we have an area of no screen, and we make the screen around and it black sometimes to make it look bigger”?

      1. Piro Silver badge

        Re: Dynamic Island*

        Yes. I don't know what's so exciting.

        A fig leaf for a piece of screen that doesn't work. WOW, Oh Apple you're such geniuses!

        It was invented before - I've seen people with half broken laptop screens resize windows to fit in the bit that was working.

      2. ThomH

        Re: Dynamic Island*

        It's close enough to that, but the area of non-screen also seems to have touch sensors underneath it, so it can now act as a real widget to some limited extent. Or, at least, the fact that it's hidden won't come back to bite you when you accidentally tap on the wrong spot.

    2. Totally not a Cylon Silver badge
      Coat

      Re: Dynamic Island*

      Goal achieved!

      People are talking about it.....

  4. VoiceOfTruth

    I should copyright this

    -> This year, we're introducing our best Apple Watch lineup ever

    Wait another year for exactly the same sentence.

    1. MisterHappy
      Coat

      Re: I should copyright this

      Yet again they are using "Ever" to mean, "since the last ones"

      Am I the only one who cringes & thinks "Ever" means that they are saying that they will never make a better one?

      1. coconuthead

        Re: I should copyright this

        They are generally clueless about how these things play outside the US... all those imperial measurements too and saying "fall". (Assuming one knows they mean "autumn", that is some time off down here.)

        1. Def Silver badge
          Headmaster

          Re: I should copyright this

          The sense of "autumn" (now only in U.S. but formerly common in England) is by 1660s, short for fall of the leaf (1540s).

      2. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: I should copyright this

        "This year, we're introducing our best Apple Watch lineup ever, by far."

        Well yes, because you wouldn't hold an event to introduce a lineup as "our new devices that are a bit meh compared to the last lot" now, would you?

        I also think they really need to do some thesaurus digging to come up with new words for 'excited' and 'fantastic'. Especially Tim Cook needs to work a bit more on making his facial expression and gestures match his words - you don't need to be able to read micro expressions to see that he's delivering a script.

        If that's how he looks when he's "excited" I pity his wife :)

        1. James O'Shea

          Re: I should copyright this

          Tim's an accountant. That's as excited as he gets.

          Tim's a _gay_ accountant. He's unlikely to have a wife.

          I miss Steve.

          1. ChoHag Bronze badge

            Re: I should copyright this

            Ah so that's how it works out. His other half doesn't have to see his face at the time.

  5. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Pricing-in the anticipated exchange rate after the new UK Govt Economic Policy announcements?

    The iPhone 14 Pro is priced at $999 (US), £1099 (UK).

    1. Solviva Bronze badge

      Re: Pricing-in the anticipated exchange rate after the new UK Govt Economic Policy announcements?

      The UK price isn't actually that bad. Factor in the included 20% VAT, then the potential for US tax on top of the $999.

      Compared to prices in other European countries the UK actually has the cheapest that I've seen at the current FX rates (€1299 (DE) - £1128, 14995 SEK - £1217, 13390 NOK - £1215, 6499 PLN - £1194.

      1. sabroni Silver badge

        Re: The UK price isn't actually that bad.

        Problems parsing the word "after"?

        1. Solviva Bronze badge

          Re: The UK price isn't actually that bad.

          Problem parsing the phrase "current FX rates"?

          If you're expecting the £ to plummet then that's only going to make the UK price look even better compared to rest of the world.

          1. Steve Davies 3 Silver badge
            Facepalm

            Re: If you're expecting the £ to plummet

            Doh! It already has gone down to the lowest level against the USD for a long time because of the threat of recession here in Blighty.

            I'm still waiting for touchID under glass. As it isn't here yet then I'll keep on using my iPhone SE (bought secondhand like my three previous iDevices)

            1. Anonymous Coward
              Anonymous Coward

              Re: If you're expecting the £ to plummet

              It's more to do with the Dollar being kept above their recession by roaring petroleum trading. This is why a Euro is now worth less than a Dollar.

      2. John Brown (no body) Silver badge

        Re: Pricing-in the anticipated exchange rate after the new UK Govt Economic Policy announcements?

        And not forgetting that in civilised parts of the world where the warranty is at least 5 years, that is also included in the price.

        1. John Brown (no body) Silver badge

          Re: Pricing-in the anticipated exchange rate after the new UK Govt Economic Policy announcements?

          Oops, that should read "2 years". Must've been channelling David Bowie when I typed that :-)

      3. werdsmith Silver badge

        Re: Pricing-in the anticipated exchange rate after the new UK Govt Economic Policy announcements?

        The UK price isn't actually that bad. Factor in the included 20% VAT, then the potential for US tax on top of the $999.

        Stop. There are people for whom whinging is their only pleasure. If you take away the £$ pricing thing by telling a simple truth you will take away their reason for living. Have some compassion.

  6. Mockup1974

    Mini is cancelled

    What a shame. The last small-ish phone, gone. Now we only have xboxhueg phablets left, that don't fit in any pocket, both in the Apple and Android world.

    1. ThomH

      Re: Mini is cancelled

      The iPhone 13 Mini is still on sale, now at a reduced price, and with the same processor as the iPhone 14. You're to make do with only two-thirds as much RAM and a fractionally-worse camera though.

      That said, the iPhones were at 4gb RAM for three years before this year's increase to 6gb so you should probably also be wary of that being the arbitrary cut-off for some version of iOS at some point.

    2. Piro Silver badge

      Re: Mini is cancelled

      Yep. There are no phone sized phones available, only phablets.

      That said, have a gander at the Asus Zenfone. It could be the last Android thing available that isn't the size of a paving slab.

  7. Zakspade

    Is one of the features a survey tacked on the end of Apple news stories? The blooming thing crops up no matter how I try to get rid of it. Poor show, The Register!

    Hang on! Solved - turned off Javascript...

    1. VeryRealHuman

      You are, in fact, allowed not to participate in the survey if you so choose.

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Yes, but it keeps showing up if you don't, a bit like Teams but with less dire consequences for your privacy and available computing resources.

        I solve such situations differently (note: I do this always, not just with El Reg who I expected to know better): I simply pick random answers or simply the first or last of every question, or - when I have more time - I will create a result as misleading and far away from reality as I can.

        If you FORCE me to provide data by popping up the same thing again and again, please do not expect me to answer truthfully. Ain't gonna happen.

  8. 080

    Clever little Elve's

    Apple make some very clever equipment these days, in China

    1. Lis

      Re: Clever little Elve's

      So does just about everybody else

  9. DenTheMan

    Oh the innovation..

    ...All day battery life and a 48mp camera.

    Welcome to that fold.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Oh the innovation..

      But "If you're not seeing the best battery life ever on your iPhone 14 Plus, maybe you're using it wrong"

      so it's your fault, again, that it doesn't live up to expectations

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