back to article BOFH and the case of the disappearing teaspoons

BOFH logo telephone with devil's horns There's nothing I like more than a chat with an expert. So many people have vague and uninformed opinions about things, it's good to talk to someone with experience who knows what they're talking about. I can hardly wait. "And so, when it detects movement, it sends you a text message …

  1. Rameses Niblick the Third Kerplunk Kerplunk Whoops Where's My Thribble?
    Pint

    "There's been a terrible accident," the PFY says, closing his mapping app.

    A welcome return of the casual violence which I, for one, have been missing. Welcome to the weekend!

    1. Korev Silver badge
      Coat

      Yeah, it's always good to end the week with a bit of spooning...

    2. Giles C Silver badge

      Unfortunately and wandering off topic I got an email message from a Mr Dabbs saying the SFTW weekend column has been axed so you need to go to https://autosaveisforwimps.substack.com to read his latest musings

      Just in case others hadn’t seen it

      1. stungebag

        I got one, too. I hope BOFH isn't next.

        1. Strahd Ivarius Silver badge
          Devil

          the BOFH caught the wimp stealing spoons at the Register's office, he was lucky to escape alive...

        2. diodesign (Written by Reg staff) Silver badge

          BOFH is always more than welcome at The Reg

          C.

          1. ChoHag Bronze badge

            Mandatory Fun Weekend is not? Oh well, back to work...

          2. Antron Argaiv Silver badge
            Thumb Up

            ...or else!

          3. cyberdemon Silver badge
            WTF?

            WTF? And Why not Dabbsy's SFTW then? And Paris?

            This stinks of that time when The Inquirer got bought by Incisive Media, and then canned a few years later.

            WTF is happening at El Reg?

      2. Rameses Niblick the Third Kerplunk Kerplunk Whoops Where's My Thribble?

        Unfortunately and wandering off topic....

        I've just received this as well, so please feel free to off topic as much as you like. I've always been a huge fan of the SFTW column and am very sad to read this. If Bofh goes as well there will be little worth coming here for. Tech news I can get anywhere; the Reg was always light relief for me.

        I find myself conflicted as to whether to up or downvote your post. Downvote for the message itself, but upvote for making it known!

        1. Paul Kinsler

          SFTW

          If you look at the comment counts after SFTW articles, they not untypically exceed 100 and can get into the 200s. It seems odd for ElReg to ignore that evidence of reader engagement, even if the pieces could be regarded as somewhat frivolous ... especially since it's not like ElReg is the most "this is my serious face" example of reporting.

          1. John Brown (no body) Silver badge

            Re: SFTW

            "especially since it's not like ElReg is the most "this is my serious face" example of reporting."

            On the other hand, there does seem to be a slight slide towards more seriousness and little less frivolity in the headlines and sub-heads.

            Paris is also gone. Coinkydink? Did she and Dabbsy elope? :-)

      3. Neil Barnes Silver badge
        Unhappy

        Damn, now that is bad news. There goes Friday!

      4. F. Frederick Skitty

        If I recall correctly, the SFTW column was axed once before and eventually returned. Hopefully the same will happen again. I can only assume Dabbsy's arch nemesis, will.i.am, has something to do with this...

        1. chivo243 Silver badge
          Coat

          I hope this is a temporary setback, I remember the SFTW hiatus, and wasn't there one for Simon and theBOFH too?

          First, Paris, now Dabbsy? Is there a pattern emerging?

          My coat, I hope I don't have to put it on permanently, and close the El Reg door on my way out...

          1. bpfh Silver badge
            Terminator

            Axing the BOFH…

            Could easily go both ways…. And beware the out of order lift and the mysteriously dark stairwell.

            Oh, and can battlebots use stairs yet? I’m… um…. asking for a friend…?

            1. The Oncoming Scorn Silver badge
              WTF?

              Re: Axing the BOFH…

              First they came for Paris.

              Then they came for Dabbsy.

            2. IanTP

              Re: Axing the BOFH…

              Don't forget the carpet and bags of lime...

              1. Alan Brown Silver badge

                Re: Axing the BOFH…

                and the suspiciously loose 5th floor window hinge

          2. M.V. Lipvig Silver badge

            I agree. I followed the BOFH to The Register, and if this column is axed then off I'll go to his new home.

        2. Antron Argaiv Silver badge
          Childcatcher

          I have written to The Editor, and expressed my displeasure over Dabbsy's absence. I suggest we all do likewise.

          1. trindflo Bronze badge
            Unhappy

            Letter to the editor indeed

            Great idea. You can find where to send the letter on the contact page.

            TheReg contact list

      5. Gerhard den Hollander
        Mushroom

        Im tempted to hit the Report abuse button here ....

        Axing SFTW is akin to abuse ,,,

        And no official communication from el reg ?

        First userfriendly.org .. now this ....

        1. Joe W Silver badge

          Well... Illiad had made some really poor decisions, as you might recall....

      6. Doctor Syntax Silver badge

        "the SFTW weekend column has been axed"

        Not USian enough I suppose.

        1. Korev Silver badge
          Unhappy

          Yeah, The Register is determined to kill what made it once great.

          1. b0llchit Silver badge
            Unhappy

            Before you now it... Next we wont be allowed to say/write Fuck anymore or use excessive sarcasm or significant amounts of cynicism. That would deplete the usefulness of the site considerably.

        2. Spanners Silver badge
          Alien

          "axed"

          Not USian enough I suppose

          Whilst normal people from the less developed side of the pond are as varied as the rest of us, a lot of "corporate" and money types from the US are fairly humourless and have clothing and haircut preferences from the 1950s.

          1. cyberdemon Silver badge
            Devil

            Re: "axed"

            I suspect it has something to do with this...

            Nicole Hemsoth Joins Situation Publishing to Drive Editorial Strategy

            It would seem that she is from California. So expect anything requiring a British sense of humour, or passive contempt for large corporations and corporate culture, to be banned forthwith.

            1. Antron Argaiv Silver badge
              Facepalm

              Ho, hum...

              "Hemsoth will help drive far-reaching strategies to bolster further growth across all Situation Publishing titles"

              Now, where have I seen this line before? Oh, yes, attached to every announcement of a new director at work. There must be a book of these sentences, sort of a "Mad Libs* for Business" (alternatively, "The Idiot's Guide to Corporate Announcements").

              I would not last a week, writing these things. I would be thrown out on my ear, yelling in protest that auto-correct was to blame.

              *apologies to those in countries which don't have Mad Libs...they're sentences with blanks where you fill in your own words to make unusual statements. Popular among the 10-13 age group.

              1. segillum

                Re: Ho, hum...

                "Hemsoth will help drive far-reaching strategies to bolster further growth across all Situation Publishing titles"

                I wonder why smoke started pouring out of my PC when I asked Google Translate to render this into English?

                1. AlbertH

                  Re: Ho, hum...

                  Is "Hemsoth" an anagram?

                2. Doctor Syntax Silver badge

                  Re: Ho, hum...

                  Didn't is simply return "Bingo!"?

              2. J.G.Harston Silver badge

                Re: Ho, hum...

                Efficiently operationalize our strategies and invest in world-class technology to leverage our core competencies in order to holistically administrate exceptional synergy to set a brand trajectory and advance our market share with proven methodology and a strong commitment to quality.

              3. Jedit Silver badge
                Devil

                "Now, where have I seen this line before?"

                In virtually every BOFH episode, shortly before an unfortunate accident?

              4. M.V. Lipvig Silver badge

                Re: Ho, hum...

                California has the other kind of mad libs.

                1. TranceWarp

                  Re: Ho, hum...

                  Don't you mean Flori-duh?

            2. M.V. Lipvig Silver badge

              Re: "axed"

              Nicole Hemsoth is the one who needs to be axed, before El Reg becomes another shitrag that quicky goes under. Californians are like rodents, they scurry in and widdle all over the place, ruining everything they touch. Spoken as a USian who has a sense of humor. This WAS a great little site, but Californians are offended by everything.

        3. Antron Argaiv Silver badge
          Thumb Up

          As a USAian, I'd like to point out that the non-USAian aspects of SFTW were what made it a must-read for me. The trials and tribulations of retirement in France were just extra sauce.

          Another vote here for its return.

      7. Terry 6 Silver badge
      8. A. Coatsworth
        WTF?

        Damn, there goes the Friday...

        And the content filter in my work PC really, really doesn't like that autosaveisforwimps address, so I'll have to check it on my phone. Really a fate worse than death.

        1. Martin-73 Silver badge

          hmm, not able to disable it?

      9. T. F. M. Reader Silver badge
        Mushroom

        Kicks himself for not answering the survey

        the SFTW weekend column has been axed

        What? Is that just because I've missed the significance of El Reg's survey ("what do you value most" and stuff like that) and have not marked NSFWSFTW as the most valuable feature (at least after the parting of Verity, Lewis, and Tim) on a par with the BOFH??

        Whoever makes decisions at El Reg, do restore Dabbsy to his usual glory and glow (oh, that's Mme D., but still...), or I'll grass you to Simon and Stephen... and it will be "just a matter of time, really."

        1. cyberdemon Silver badge
          Unhappy

          Re: Kicks himself for not answering the survey

          I did answer the survey: I said 'distract me` - i.e. I want more articles like BOFH and SFTW

      10. MOH

        Ah what?! That's my Friday ruined. And possibly a significant dip in my Reg reading

        1. Alan Brown Silver badge

          El Reg has had a steady dropoff in editorial quality of late

          It seems that attempts to improve "audience appeal" are driving away the audience it appealed to

      11. Mark 85 Silver badge

        Unfortunately and wandering off topic I got an email message from a Mr Dabbs saying the SFTW weekend column has been axed so you need to go to https://autosaveisforwimps.substack.com to read his latest musings

        Just in case others hadn’t seen it

        I'm making an assumption that El Reg has someone, somewhere, in charge who's taking everything too seriously. I note that the "Biting the hand that feeds IT" banner has long since disappeared.

        1. Joe W Silver badge

          I think that it means they are not taking their job seriously - ElReg has always covered the serious side as well as the silly. Looking back, it might have started when they stopped mocking phablets (ffs, they are too big for regular trouser pockets, I'm not wearing cargo trousers / army surplus every day!)...

          And as written in the BOFH "he is upset that it always chooses the American way of spelling..."

          So, what now? I hate looking for a new website with that balance, and the other IT news site I sort of frequented has a forum that frankly sucks. Too many trolls and too few IT literate people. And no BOFH or SFTW either. Oh, and the articles are... dry as Norwegian stockfish.

        2. amanfromMars 1 Silver badge

          Easily missed but still there

          I note that the "Biting the hand that feeds IT" banner has long since disappeared. ... Mark 85

          Not quite so, Mark 85 ..... It is right at the very bottom of every El Reg webpage.

          1. Terry 6 Silver badge

            Re: Easily missed but still there

            Only as part of the copyright claim tag. Not as part of the site's identity any more.

        3. cyberdemon Silver badge
          IT Angle

          The first thing I noticed was the "Sir" on the end of SFTW disappeared. I thought OK fine maybe the woke brigade might take exception and say that wasn't inclusive (but dropping the 'sir' lost some of the character and implied humour I think)

          But now they have axed the whole column, with no consultation? Why?

          Are there new bosses at El Reg?

          1. Doctor Syntax Silver badge

            A comment above suggests just that. At this point any self-respecting FOSS project would be forked.

        4. MrReynolds2U

          It's still in the footer... probably because corporate types are only bothered with above-the-fold content.

        5. Azamino
          Coat

          Bloody hell!

          I noticed the absence of SFTW but not the missing banner (I’m not counting anything that requires scrolling to the very bottom of the page) and the Paris icon clearly shows that time’s arrow is telling me it’s time to knock work on the head. I mean, if I’m missing stuff I’m interested in what has happened to my paid work!!

      12. John 104

        Considering the appeal of SFTW and the history and enthusiastic fanbase for BOFH, and the fact that members read both columns, one has to wonder if this was thought fully through. I mean, workplace accidents and all....

      13. IanTP
        Pint

        Kudos for the link

        I have my Dabbsy back

        Have one or two of these on me --->

      14. Justin Case
        Flame

        Really? I've been a somewhat regular visitor for more years than I care to remember. It's always been the irreverent nature of the content that keeps me coming back. Dabbsy and BOFH provide the anchor which draws me in every Friday. And when I'm here I will often read a few more articles. The Register, sans Dabbs or someone similar? Probably just Yet Another Tech News Site.

        Hums: Don't it always seem to go that you don't know what you got 'til it's gone...

        https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=94bdMSCdw20

      15. Potemkine! Silver badge

        As a request, I'll add this in all my posts:

        == Bring us Dabbsy back! ==

      16. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Very disturbing news

        I really hope this isn't the beginning of the end for El Reg.

        I had already noticed the distinct lowering of headline and subheadline quality in terms of the lack of dodgy puns, veiled insults, irreverence and humour. If this place gets woke-ified and made as bland and sterile as most IT news sites, the Internet will have lost one of its few enduring quality sites. Somewhere I come to not only catch up on IT news but to have a laugh and enjoy reading a distinctly UK flavoured comments section.

        I saw the recent "What do you want from The Register" questions but couldn't answer many of them because the choices seemed to insist that I agreed with statements which were chosen to push things in the direction desired by the person asking the questions. An ominous portent of things to come, I fear.

        Thanks for posting the link to Dabbsy's substack. Subscribed!

    3. BebopWeBop
      Devil

      Better if a random Tesla had been given the PHB's phone coordinates.

    4. Persona Silver badge

      And for once it's undisputedly an "accident".

  2. twellys

    Classic!

  3. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Missed a trick there.

    Should have gone for the upmarket Apple iSpoons and leveraged the Amazon surveillance system by mounting Ring pieces all over the office.

    1. UCAP Silver badge
      Joke

      Re: Missed a trick there.

      Using Ring devices all over the place? Now that would be nasty, even by the BOFH's very high standards.

      1. Trubbs

        Re: Missed a trick there.

        Most establishments I visit are already well populated with ring pieces

    2. Korev Silver badge
      Coffee/keyboard

      Re: Missed a trick there.

      That's what I'm going to call Ring doorbells from now on

      1. Rameses Niblick the Third Kerplunk Kerplunk Whoops Where's My Thribble?

        Re: Missed a trick there.

        Agreed, another upvote for "Ring pieces", I shall be using this in future discourse

    3. Charlie Clark Silver badge

      Re: Missed a trick there.

      Remember the note about avoiding the paper trail?

  4. RyokuMas
    Coat

    Clockwork BOFH...

    "There's been a terrible accident"...

    My boss is lying in the middle of the road, bleeding to death!

    ...

    ...

    ...

    Please tell me I'm not the only one who thought this.

    1. MGJ

      Re: Clockwork BOFH...

      What would be so terrible about that?

      1. Swarthy Silver badge
        Devil

        Re: Clockwork BOFH...

        If the ambulance got there in time.

      2. Martin-73 Silver badge

        Re: Clockwork BOFH...

        the damage to the vehicle!!! you monster

    2. steelpillow Silver badge
      Thumb Up

      Re: Clockwork BOFH...

      I will now have Walter (now Wendy) Carlos' Moog rendition of Beethoven's Ninth ringing in my ears every time I read the BOFH. No bad thing, really.

      Time to peet my bedtime moloko, but where will I find knives in the wilds of Worcestershire at this time of night?

    3. Disk0
      Coat

      Re: Clockwork BOFH...

      The person in charge has met his untimely demise due to an unfortunate incident involving a teaspoon.Before jumping to any conclusions, ask yourself; am I accident-prone?

  5. Denarius Silver badge
    Coffee/keyboard

    you owe me

    another keyboard with the "locksmith to recut our SSL keys"

    Spluttered my tea all over. Brilliant managlement managing

    1. Michael H.F. Wilkinson
      Coffee/keyboard

      Re: you owe me

      Same here. Brilliant stuff

    2. steelpillow Silver badge
      Pint

      Re: you owe me

      Beat me to the post. Have a beer to help dull the pain of mopping up coffee.

      If you can find Dabbsy and share it with him, that would be kind. He has been around this business a long time, methinks some Vulture hath blundered.

    3. Doctor Syntax Silver badge

      Re: you owe me

      And....

      "How did you glue it back together?"

      "With thermal paste,"

    4. Martin-73 Silver badge

      Re: you owe me

      LPL could crack the new key in LESS than the lifetime of the universe... video is 2.20 long

  6. KittenHuffer Silver badge
    Coat

    The Boss was just ....

    .... stirring up trouble when he approached the dynamic duo about this problem!

    Mine's the one with the suspicious jangling coming from the pocket! ------------>

  7. Pascal Monett Silver badge
    Coat

    "There's been a terrible accident"

    Given that it happened near the BOFH's building, it was more a perfectly normal accident.

  8. Coastal cutie
    Thumb Up

    Vintage BOFH

  9. Scott 53

    This work has already been done

    https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC1322240/

    1. Doctor Syntax Silver badge

      Re: This work has already been done

      There is the opposite phenomenon - appearance of teaspoons dissimilar to those already present. I think quantum tunnelling is responsible.

      Then there's the mystery of disappearing socks although it has been claimed that socks are the larval form of coat-hangers.

      1. The Oncoming Scorn Silver badge
        Thumb Up

        Re: This work has already been done

        There was also a planet entirely given over to biro life-forms.

        And it was to this planet that unattended biros would make their way. Slipping quietly through wormholes in space to a world where they knew they could enjoy a uniquely biroid lifestyle.

        Responding to highly biroid-orientated stimuli, in fact, leading the Biro equivalent of the good life and as theories go, this was all very fine and pleasant, until Veet Voojagig suddenly claimed to have found this planet and to have worked there for a while, driving a limousine for a family of cheap green retractables.

      2. swm Silver badge

        Re: This work has already been done

        Coat hangers turn into oysters.

        1. AlbertH

          Re: This work has already been done

          No - they turn into "found bicycles".

          1. The Oncoming Scorn Silver badge
            Coat

            Re: This work has already been done

            No they turn into car aerials.

            Wheres me furry dice?

        2. M.V. Lipvig Silver badge

          Re: This work has already been done

          I thought they turned into shopping carts.

    2. Joe W Silver badge

      Re: This work has already been done

      Ah. BMJ. That one is hours of fun studies. Or used to be. Like couples in an CT scanner...

  10. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Got to post this academic study:-

    https://www.bmj.com/content/331/7531/1498

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      That's a contender for an Ig Nobel prize if ever I saw one...

      1. Giles C Silver badge

        And it measures in register units as well there are references to the coastline of Mozambique and a weight of teaspoons equivalent to 4 blue whales.

      2. Terry 6 Silver badge

        Actually

        Proper Nobel Peace Prize stuff. Think about all the office annoyance that would be averted if only there were enough bloody spoons when a brew is needed!

    2. Neil Barnes Silver badge
      Thumb Up

      Thank you for that; a seminal article if ever there were one.

    3. Jimmy2Cows Silver badge
      Coat

      Criminal classes

      A bit surprising that 43% of follow-up questionaire respondents didn't think stealing (teaspoons) is wrong. But then I remembered it's Australia.

      My pockets are empty. I haven't got your damn teaspoons; Leave me alone! [Jangle]

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: Criminal classes

        I resemble that comment! Just because I am Aussie, does not mean I am criminal!

      2. innominatus

        Re: Criminal classes

        An important Australian scientific study concluded "The loss of workplace teaspoons was rapid, showing that their availability, and hence office culture in general, is constantly threatened."

    4. Antron Argaiv Silver badge
      Thumb Up

      Fails due to the fact that none of the authors are named Bruce.

      Otherwise, breakthrough research!

    5. Toe Knee

      “discreetly numbered with red nail polish on the undersides of the handles“

      How does one *discreetly* label a spoon with red nail polish?

  11. Michael H.F. Wilkinson
    Happy

    Classic BOFH

    Finding spoons is of course a classic problem

    1. TRT Silver badge

      Re: Classic BOFH

      and losing mugs...

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: Classic BOFH

        The problem I have with spoons in our office is that they are the cheap ones.

        Go to squish the water out of the bag, the bloody spoon snaps in half!

        Strong tea, weak spoon...

        1. Tim99 Silver badge
          Unhappy

          Re: Classic BOFH

          Teabags indeed! You don't deserve a teaspoon - If you have fallen that low, get the teabags with the string and paper tag...

          1. Doctor Syntax Silver badge

            Re: Classic BOFH

            "the teabags with the string and paper tag"

            Them's southerner's teabags. Yorkshire Tea has no such accoutrements.

  12. chivo243 Silver badge
    Coffee/keyboard

    Clean up in aisle 3

    in clear danger of wetting himself in his excitement. This was a tea out the nose moment! Time to change my shirt...

  13. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    back then we had two office sites, one was given those little wooden sticks to stir their drinks, our office had metal spoons. People regularly visited each others offices for meetings and the like, but we (the metal spooned office) kept running out of spoons.

    One day in the kitchen area I watched as a stick person, one of a group over for some important meeting, carefully hook their teabag out of the cup then hoof the spoon, with tea bag still balanced on it, into the bin. As they would do back in their own office with one of those sticks. Being younger and still a bit keen i tried to explain to the stick person what they had just done, even pulling the spoon out of the bin to show them. They just stared back like they had been confronted with a bad conjuring trick. It did not help when i was able to pull three more spoons out of the bin - remember i said there was a group of them over that day.

    Our solution, as BOFH's more darwinian solutions were not available to us back then, was to pop to the local poundland shop and buy our own personal tea spoons.

    These were NEVER EVER lent to the stick people.

    All was fine for a while, until one fateful day when there were no forks left either....

    1. KittenHuffer Silver badge

      At that point did you not just scream at them all to 'FORK OFF!'?

      1. Colonel Mad

        So you have read Dabbsy's piece today!

    2. Neil Barnes Silver badge
      Pint

      Aha! Now you see the wisdom of...

      https://www.theregister.com/2013/02/15/cuppa_round_up/?page=2

      my cunning plan to drink Lapsang Souchong, black, no sugar. Just grab a pinch of leaves from the caddy, drop in the mug, add *boiling* water. No spoon required.

      Curiously, there is no tea icon --->

    3. The Oncoming Scorn Silver badge
      Pint

      Knife To See You, Now Fork Off

      This is why whenever I get takeout food, delivered with plastic utensils in a sealed plastic bag, I keep some in my desk for when there are food "events". I had to give a set to our new security guard the other weeks*, when he couldn't find any utensils for his lunch.

      *We must have had canteen staff at one point, but now its just a use a hot water outlet for your tea\washing up\ microwave\fridge for your own food area & a couple of vending machines.

      1. M.V. Lipvig Silver badge
        Big Brother

        Re: Knife To See You, Now Fork Off

        You have vending machines? FREEDOM AND LUXURY! We have a company store which requires that you put unrefundable money on account, tracked by fingerprint, anf monitored from (I shit you not) no fewer than 12 cameras to cover a 40 square foot area including one in the thumbprint machine that watches you look at the screen AND shows you watching. So, you get to see yourself being recorded. Fort Knox or the Queen's Jewels should be monitored so well.

        I haven't bought a thing there, instead using regular vending machines in the building's cafeteria area before work from home. My company leases a couple of floors, and I think the VP put the company store scheme in to line his own pockets.

  14. Anonymous South African Coward Silver badge

    "Oh, we spent that all on getting our SSL keys recut at the locksmith and then getting our hard drives hardened," I chip in.

    Beautiful.

    Add to it the expected violence at the end.

    Classic BOFH. Or PFY? Anyway.

    This eppysode'll mature well, and be one of the classics.

    1. tezboyes

      Presumably a visit to a masseur for the floppies ?

    2. Robert Helpmann??

      I'm glad I wasn't drinking anything when I read that!

  15. TekGuruNull

    Ah, yes. A bit of casual violence to warm the cockles. Have we had a defenestration recently?

  16. Jesthar
    Terminator

    'Teaspoon with a fairly large handle...'

    Was anyone else thinking shovels at this point? ;)

    Great to see the return of the 'terrible accident!' :D

  17. Blackjack Silver badge

    Wow the Bosses just get more and more stupid don't they?

    At this rate the new Boss will be an intern in India that gives orders by e-mail.

    1. Neil 44

      The Baldric trajectory of intelligence...

  18. Mostly Irrelevant

    This is such a British problem. a US company would just buy flimsy disposable plastic spoons (or those terrible stir sticks that don't work) and no one would bother stealing them because they have no value.

    1. The Oncoming Scorn Silver badge
      Boffin

      Not Just A British Problem.

      It's a problem in Australia (As the two earlier posted links point to different versions of the same report) & Simons still in NZ.

      1. Mostly Irrelevant

        Re: Not Just A British Problem.

        Australia is just upside-down England.

        1. Tim99 Silver badge

          Re: Not Just A British Problem.

          I emigrated there from England - It isn't.

        2. Benegesserict Cumbersomberbatch

          Re: Not Just A British Problem.

          When did England get a functioning government?

          1. Denarius Silver badge
            Unhappy

            Re: Not Just A British Problem.

            what makes you think Oz has a functioning government, in either states or federally ? As being like pomland upside down. Cant be. Droughts and floods taking turns are normal here. If the land is green its because its drying out for next drought, or this year, a brief respite before going under again. And we rejoice in our lethal wildlife. Ever hit a skippy at 100 kmh ? Or feral cattle or much, much worse, a feral 4WD newly escaped from the suburbs. The snakes and spiders just give us comparisons for the party droids who make our pollies stupid.

            I digress. Wheres Dabsy and Tim ? Keep the BOFH along commentards. Sometimes they can be entertaining or enlightening. I fear a Merkin manglement member will kill commentards off too as not core activity, disregarding the love of abuse and IT drollery that brings us back. Who knows, some may even read the "sponsored" articles.

  19. Will Godfrey Silver badge
    Happy

    Late today was wor...

    ... doing stuff.

    Classic BOFH, some lovely twists in there, and all err wrapped up at the end.

  20. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    "What is it, 720p?" Would be a good kickoff to a comedy routine.

    Oh no, it's at least 80 pounds.

    80 pounds? It can't be that heavy!

    Etc. Let the Friday silliness commence.

  21. ske1fr
    Mushroom

    Re SFTW

    No Dabbsy? Hmm. There are not that many stories on here I care about these days, and I've been reading this site for quite a while.

  22. Deimos

    I remember when….

    Dear hairy sofa’s this is so sad, like all survivors of the 1999 overtime tsunami I remember the battle of the reichenbacker faller.

    Sherlock B’stard fought a great battle with Arty Murray the bastard contractor from hell and disappeared from sight during the great “billing saga of early 2000”.

    Then he rose again in the awful spring of “we spent HOW MUCH ?”.

    But their was an awful consequence of that great battle between consensual lager and forced whine. A combination of low IQ, failure to look both ways and a desperate desire to “be with” as many of the historians “ oh dear god no….” lists as possible.

    Like Star Wars, our original fight against the “Death Star” has spawned a never ending number of sequels and my personal descent into the world wide swearing league. But I can’t help liking our current crop of MP’s, they are the source and inspiration for my current world verbal abuse record AND setting two judges eyebrows on fire. The only “double dilbert” since the Maybot was forcibly disconnected.

    Booze be with you all, hopefully paid for by a salesman of “Super high pentium graphics workstations”.

    1. the Jim bloke Silver badge
      Thumb Up

      Re: I remember when….

      Looks like Deimos has become .. AMoonfromMars...

      Well done.

      1. John Brown (no body) Silver badge

        Re: I remember when….

        Yeah, I started reading that and had to quickly scroll up and check the posters name too :-)

  23. earl grey
    Pint

    needed that

    thank you

  24. amanfromMars 1 Silver badge

    :-) MRDA :-) Poe's Law Rules Reign and Apply :-)

    It's just like Parliamentary and global neocon geo-political shenanigans, isn't it, listening to the precocious prevarications and pretentious prognostications and pronouncements of weird and wonderfully strange subject matter experts ..... with clueless headless chicken type leadership contenders and fawning acolytes racing around chasing phantom problems of their own making with no verified simple solution on offer in sight as the wheels fall of the wagon right before the almighty inevitable devastating crash into the harsh unyielding buffers of reality that accompany the fleet flushing magic of flash QE cash trash transaction trains of prime oxymoronic stellar thought bandits .... New World Economic Forum Order type memberships.

    J'accuse. ...... and the state of the worlds on Earth as you and they know it today, in this novel and noble era of emerging and expanding and exploding and horrendously expensive to compete against impossible to defeat and better 0days, is undeniable proof positive of all of the above, whether you vote to dislike it or not. One certainly cannot disagree with it if one doesn't want to be considered as having learning difficulties in such fields of enlightened endeavour as beget and award one with rewarding prolific experiences.

    1. amanfromMars 1 Silver badge

      Re: :-) MRDA :-) Poe's Law Rules Reign and Apply :-)

      Further to and in furtherance of the above and in praise of and lamenting the reported demise of SFTW [Dabbsy on El Reg]

      "Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies" ..... Groucho Marx

      "If you have the hearts and minds of your people, you have the country. If you lose the hearts and minds of the people, you lose the country." ..... "You can't solve a problem? Well, get down and investigate the present facts and [the problem's] past history! When you have investigated the problem thoroughly, you will know how to solve it." ...... Mao Zedong

  25. Boris the Cockroach Silver badge
    Coffee/keyboard

    A late

    keyboard death has been reported

    Mine.

    And my estwhile keyboard replacement cannot be swiped anymore because our production engineer handed his notice in yesterday

    The boss did come and tell me, but since I have a good view of the door I managed to shut the laptop in time thus preventing him seeing I was surfing a site supplying bunting and party balloons....

  26. J.G.Harston Silver badge
  27. T 7

    In the nhs we’ve been investigating this for years

    https://www.bmj.com/content/331/7531/1498

    1. Chris 239
      Facepalm

      You were beaten to it - twice!

  28. Rich 11 Silver badge

    … a week and 200 quids' worth of lagers later …

    That's barely three pints a day each.

  29. Neil 44

    There has been research on missing teaspoons...

    https://institutions.newscientist.com/article/mg23030751-500-feedback/

    https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC1322240/

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