back to article Tesla owner gets key fob chip implanted in his hand

Tesla owner Brandon Dalaly has seemingly implanted a chip in his hand that he uses to unlock his car, among other things. And as one does after hand hacking, he tweeted about his unlocked achievement to Tesla honcho Elon Musk, nexus of stonk enthusiasm and perhaps Twitter's next owner. "Finally decided to take my phone key …

  1. NoneSuch Silver badge
    Joke

    Can't wait for Tesla to immobilize him for not paying an access fee.

    1. fidodogbreath Silver badge

      Or a carjacker to cut off his hand to get his key.

      1. Vometia has insomnia. Again. Bronze badge

        I'm reminded of the first episode of Blakes 7 (no apostrophe, obvs, the budget was too tight) regarding a palm scanner to unlock the prison ship's security door. ISTR it was Gan who pointed out to the hesitant security guard that "your hand doesn't need to remain attached to you" (or similar) delivered with a rather evil grin.

    2. Roland6 Silver badge

      Bet it won't be compatible with his next Telsa...

      I wonder if Tesla owners upgrade as frequently as iPhone users...

    3. The Man Who Fell To Earth Silver badge
      FAIL

      This is why I issued these to my crew

      My car jacking crew, that is.

      Satterlee Bone Saw 13"

      https://www.amazon.com/SurgicalOnline-Satterlee-Handle-Stainless-Steel/dp/B01N6UD6NN

    4. Nifty Silver badge

      Does this mean I'll have to sleep in a Faraday cage to stop my car being nicked?

  2. Jan K. Bronze badge

    Two implanted chips only?

    Pffft... that's nothing!

    I've got sixteen... bank, postal office, supermarket, car, bike, front door, pc just to name a few.

    Good grief.

    1. Steve Button Silver badge

      Is that the main objection to these thing? That you'll need dozens of them. Apart from that it seems like a small convenience. Probably best just to get a better phone, as others have said. Are there other disadvantages? I guess you'd want something that will last, as you would not want to keep changing it. I don't really like the idea, and I don't think I'll ever be getting one, but I'm struggling to work out exactly why.

      1. trindflo Bronze badge
        Boffin

        Technically two numbers, probably two devices

        At the risk of ruining a perfectly fine joke, and of course manufacturers could make this more difficult if they are feeling sadistic:

        Digital keys will generally have a public and a private (secret) part. If you keep your secret effectively, only you can create messages that anyone can then read using the public part.

        The chip in the hand would only need to have a message identifying you, that anyone can decipher using your public key and only you can create.

        Your identity chip would just identify who you are. Your contracts would connect your identity to things you own and can unlock. And naturally in this dystopia everything is cloud connected and immediately recognizes the implication of your transactions.

        The private key could be put in the other hand to be used to make transactions, but how would you protect it? Would you need to worry about skimmers in the loo? I can't really see you want the private key on you at all. You would keep that part in a digital vault and hope the company maintaining it doesn't go out of business.

    2. NightFox

      Personally, I can't wait to get the 643 RFID cards I need to charge my EV out on the roads embedded wherever I can find the space on my body, and then memorising which body part I need to use for each charger.

      1. MrDamage Silver badge

        I believe a gentleman by the name of Goatse could help you with that.

      2. Andre Carneiro

        Surely someone else already suggested somewhere you could put them? ;)

  3. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    I resent having a very convenient 12 chip NFC wallet, removed from me at birth, with a distinct lack of foresight.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Joke

      > I resent having a very convenient 12 chip NFC wallet, removed from me at birth, with a distinct lack of foresight.

      Sorry to disappoint you but your umbilical cord would have dropped off anyway.

      1. mevets

        The a fore mentioned

        wallet may have been something else.

    2. First Light Silver badge

      A lack of foresight resulting in a lack of foreskin?

  4. Howard Sway Silver badge

    The chip is a VivoKey Apex

    Shame. I was hoping for an ad campaign saying "Put an Arm in your Hand".

  5. John Brown (no body) Silver badge
    Trollface

    The Register called Three Square Market (32M)

    "The Register called Three Square Market (32M)"

    Shirley the correct term is "reached out to".

    1. The Oncoming Scorn Silver badge
      Big Brother

      Re: The Register called Three Square Market (32M)

      Not if you want to keep your hand the way nature intended.

  6. LateAgain

    Could bring new meaning to "cost an arm and a leg"

    When we the card company wants the card cut up

  7. Matthew "The Worst Writer on the Internet" Saroff
    Trollface

    I Have an Idea So Clever You Could Put a Tail on it and Call it a Weasel

    We need genital recognition software to unlock things.

    We know that this is were it all ends up, in a dystopian penile (and vaginal) ID systems where "Dick Pics" are required.

    1. F. Frederick Skitty

      Re: I Have an Idea So Clever You Could Put a Tail on it and Call it a Weasel

      When fingerprint unlocking of smart phones was first available, a work colleague claimed to have configured his to recognise his foreskin. When he offered to demonstrate I politely declined.

      1. Atomic Duetto

        Re: I Have an Idea So Clever You Could Put a Tail on it and Call it a Weasel

        Were the finger prints in his foreskin his partners or his own?

        1. Jedit Silver badge
          Trollface

          "Were the finger prints in his foreskin his partners or his own?"

          I expect you'll find that as with our Tesla driver here, he took the step because having to hold something in his hand would interfere with his sex life.

          1. The Oncoming Scorn Silver badge
            Coat

            Re: "Were the finger prints in his foreskin his partners or his own?"

            Would that be the rise for the machines.

    2. Zarno

      Re: I Have an Idea So Clever You Could Put a Tail on it and Call it a Weasel

      One of the radio morning show jocks supposedly tested the then-new iPhone touch lock with nose, elbow, ear, gentleman's snausage...

      Apparently the snausage worked, but had to be in the same state of sky gazing each time or it wouldn't register properly.

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: I Have an Idea So Clever You Could Put a Tail on it and Call it a Weasel

        I'm not touching that phone with a barge pole!

    3. MrDamage Silver badge

      Re: I Have an Idea So Clever You Could Put a Tail on it and Call it a Weasel

      I already got the patent on that mate. You owe me a fiver. Or a pint.

      https://forums.theregister.com/forum/all/2013/06/10/forgotten_your_password_just_get_gurning_says_google/#c_1854329

    4. Alumoi Silver badge

      Re: I Have an Idea So Clever You Could Put a Tail on it and Call it a Weasel

      That should be a requirement only for voting purpose.

  8. A. Coatsworth
    Flame

    Damnatio Memoriae

    I am against "cancel culture", but I'd make an exception to sentence Captain Cyborg to Damnatio Memoriae.

    1. Arthur the cat Silver badge

      Re: Damnatio Memoriae

      That's not cancel culture, it's just having a grasp of reality (unlike CC).

    2. MrReynolds2U
      Terminator

      Re: Damnatio Memoriae

      I studied under CC aka Kevin Warwick at Reading University back in the day. There were some very interesting and knowledgeable characters there at the time. I was hoping to work on prosthesis and human applications of implanted tech but my work took me in a different direction.

      Some of the mods he has had might seem strange now but implanted tech is one possible future and could be key (pun intended) to helping humans overcome physical limitations and improve quality of life where it's needed.

      (icon because that's where my interest was first ignited).

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: Damnatio Memoriae

        When I started reading this, I did think of the Capt.

        What's he up to these days?

  9. John Brown (no body) Silver badge
    Joke

    Why didn't he just hack...

    ...and repurpose the ones Bill Gates injected into everyone with their COVID-19 vaccinations?

    Or was this guy one of the anti-vaxxors who refused to have the vaccination for fear of the implants that came with it?

    1. mevets

      Re: Why didn't he just hack...

      The chips were in the horse de-wormer. Only the clowns got them.

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: Why didn't he just hack...

        That's a bit disingenious for a literal Nobel prize award winning medicine that has saved countless numbers of people from river blindness in Africa amongst other things.

        Potential efficacy or not aside, it was surreal to see hit pieces against medicines in ways I don't recall seeing before. Suddenly everyone was an expert in everything and had an opinion about fields they had done no study in.

        1. Pascal Monett Silver badge
          Devil

          "Suddenly everyone was an expert in everything and had an opinion about fields they had done no study in"

          Yeah. It's called the Internet.

          1. Neil Barnes Silver badge

            The IQ of the internet is that of its dimmest user, divided by the number of users.

            1. Tom 7 Silver badge

              Its the heat death of the internet - the bigger it gets the less information there is in any one part of it.

              1. Loyal Commenter

                internentropy?

        2. Mongrel

          Re: Why didn't he just hack...

          It received the praise and recognition as an anti-parasitic, it's also being used as an animal de-wormer. The yahoos who 'thought' it was the Covid cure, based on contrarianism and Facebook, were mostly chugging apple flavoured oral ointment formulated for livestock

          Calling it horse de-wormer in this context is perfectly fine

          1. Loyal Commenter

            Re: Why didn't he just hack...

            I have a couple of boxes of the stuff on a shelf.

            It's for the hamster, if he gets mites, not for fucking COVID, although we have to recognise just how good a medicine it is as a general anti-parasitic agent.

        3. Anonymous Coward
          Anonymous Coward

          Re: Why didn't he just hack...

          The real clowns are the pillocks who call Ivermectin horse dewormer. It would be equivalent to calling porridge oats horse food (because horses eat it too, right). Not that I rushed out to get any when I had Covid - paracetamol did just fine.

          Follow the money! People like that are just useful idiots for the pharma companies, who would prefer you to use their expensive drugs like Paxlovid. Which is working out great, isn't it? Just check with Mr and Mrs Biden.

          1. Loyal Commenter

            Re: Why didn't he just hack...

            If you are upset by someone referring to porage* oats as horse food, I shall make sure that I always refer to them as such from now on, safe in the knowledge that somewhere, some humourless toss-pot would be really upset by it. Get a grip, man, it's perfectly fine to de-worm horses with an anti-parasitic agent and refer to it as such. I'm sure the discoverers of ivermectin don't care.

            *porrage, porridge, etc.

            1. Anonymous Coward
              Anonymous Coward

              Re: Why didn't he just hack...

              I don't think you should set out to upset people just because you think they are wrong. There's enough upset in the world already.

              Also, you are missing the point. It's not equivalent to just calling porridge horse food. It's the equivalent to walking down the aisle at Tesco and mocking anyone buying Ready Brek because they are eating horse food.

              Perhaps I am humourless about this particular subject. I was piled on in a Slack channel at work and got a telling off from HR for getting into a heated discussion (for wasting time basically - not for the content) after recommending an episode of Joe Rogan, and basically the other people's argument was that he should not be taking horse dewormer. Even though it had been prescribed by a doctor. I wasn't even recommending taking the stuff, just saying it was interesting. So, yeah it's probably just a personal thing and it rubs me up the wrong way when I see any mention of it. And here I am a year or so later, getting into the same argument. Some people just never learn.

              1. Loyal Commenter

                Re: Why didn't he just hack...

                It's the equivalent to walking down the aisle at Tesco and mocking anyone buying Ready Brek because they are eating horse food.

                It's really not. If anything, it's the equivalent of mocking people who are putting ready Brek down their pants because they think it'll cure their gonorrhoea. Quite frankly, such people are fair game, because we've got to the point where they won't listen to sense, so we might as well try mockery.

                Oh, and if you think Joe Rogan was talking anything other than bollocks if he was taking an antiparasitic agent for anything other than a parasitic infection (and ivermectin is actually usually not prescribed to humans, for $reasons), and you think this was bona-fide because a doctor was involved, might I gently remind you that Harold Shipman was a doctor, as was H. H. Crippen, and also Josef Mengele.

                1. Anonymous Coward
                  Anonymous Coward

                  Re: Why didn't he just hack...

                  Rather than putting Ready Brek down their pants (translation underpants for our US readers, as they might just be waking up to this) it's probably more akin to taking homoeopathic remedies. It's probably not going to do anything, but if it makes you feel better then have at it. It probably didn't help. It wasn't even that particular thing I was recommending listening to him for, was just saying it's interesting. On this one thing he was probably wrong, but it's harmless so stop calling it horse dewormer when more doses have been given to humans.

                  You are completely wrong about Ivermectin not normally being prescribed to humans. Billions of doses have been prescribed over decades with a remarkably few side effects.

                  And just because there have been a few bad doctors in history, doesn't mean that a multi-millionaire would be using one of them. I would imagine he'd chose a good one, and not the serial killer type (unless we're back onto porridge, which I'm sure he's be against).

                  1. Anonymous Coward Silver badge
                    Facepalm

                    Re: Why didn't he just hack...

                    > "I would imagine he'd chose a good one" [doctor]

                    I would imagine that he would choose a compliant one. It might cost a bit extra, but rich people don't care if it means they get what they want.

                    1. Anonymous Coward
                      Anonymous Coward

                      Re: Why didn't he just hack...

                      Yes, as I was typing those words I thought the same thing.

                      Thanks for the free therapy session @Loyal Commenter

                    2. Loyal Commenter

                      Re: Why didn't he just hack...

                      Probably the same one that Trump uses to publicly tell the world that he's the fittest and healthiest man who has ever lived.

                  2. Loyal Commenter

                    Re: Why didn't he just hack...

                    You are completely wrong about Ivermectin not normally being prescribed to humans. Billions of doses have been prescribed over decades with a remarkably few side effects.

                    I think the operative words there are "have been". Go to your GP in the UK with something like intestinal worms, for which ivermectin could be a treatment, and it's not what you will be prescribed. You'll probably get mebendazole.

                    That's not to say ivermectin is not a useful drug, or that it won't work, but it is not generally prescribed. Ivermectin is a pretty broad-spectrum drug, meaning it can treat quite a wide variety of conditions, from fungal skin infections, to intestinal parasites, but you're far more likely to get prescribed something specific to your ailment, because it's likely to be cheaper and more effective. Ivermectin tends to get used when the doctor doesn't really know exactly what is wrong with you, and is used more commonly in animals (and in developing countries where diagnostic testing is less available) for exactly this reason.

              2. Anonymous Coward
                Anonymous Coward

                Re: Why didn't he just hack...

                > Even though it had been prescribed by a doctor.

                But that means nothing in the US: c.f. MJ who found a surgeon willing to mutilate him when all the experienced ones said "no more", and a doctor willing to prescribe the drug that would kill him.

        4. mevets

          The clowns aren't the horses

          Nor the people that were properly prescribed the medicine. Being available on only a prescription basis, any clown that couldn't find a bent physician had to scoff it from the local feed store. Bill Gates, of course, knew this, and had it laced with micro control sensors i80666 to fulfill his evil plans.

          The real victim here is satire. I don't really give a horse tranquilizer for what inanity some folks are driven to; but to boldly adopt such a humourless stance is just deplorable. People who have strength in their convictions do not bristle and gentle needling. Reactionary behavior is very much linked to insecurity.

  10. Anonymous Coward
    Coat

    Works Great, except

    He occasionally runs into barriers and pedestrians.

  11. Tim99 Silver badge
    Devil

    The beginning of the Apocalypse?

    Revelation 13, King James: And he causeth all, both small and great, rich and poor, free and bond, to receive a mark in their right hand, or in their foreheads:

    And that no man might buy or sell [drive], save he that had the mark...

    1. trindflo Bronze badge
      Devil

      Re: The beginning of the Apocalypse?

      Well hell, now we know his PIN

  12. Russell Chapman Esq.
    Facepalm

    Dalaly by name, doolally by nature.

  13. anthonyhegedus Silver badge

    Typical 'fan-boy' behaviour exhibited by many owners of Elongated Muskrat's glorified milk-float

    1. Fursty Ferret

      Bad day?

    2. Loyal Commenter

      Upvoted for using the messiah's* full name.

      *In his eyes, and those of his twitterati

  14. bluebell
    Thumb Up

    dutch transhumanist

    Have a look at Patrick Paumen's collection of implants.. 31 and counting.

    <a href="https://www.tkkrlab.space/en/cybersaturdays/2021_09_18_nederlandse_cyborg_patrick_paumen/">https://www.tkkrlab.space/en/cybersaturdays/2021_09_18_nederlandse_cyborg_patrick_paumen/</a>

    <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g7bMpP3-zQI">https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g7bMpP3-zQI</a>

    1. Neil Barnes Silver badge

      Re: dutch transhumanist

      And so easy just to put them in, say, a cheap bracelet...

    2. Loyal Commenter

      Re: dutch transhumanist

      If "transhumanism" means welding yourself to your contactless credit-card, then I, for one, am out.

  15. Korev Silver badge
    Terminator

    MRI?

    Are the chips magnetic? If so that'd make getting an MRI entertaining to watch impossible

    1. Tom 7 Silver badge

      Re: MRI?

      Are you suggesting with the right equipment you could get him to make self abuse gestures?

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: MRI?

        Or stick him on a fridge door

    2. Loyal Commenter

      Re: MRI?

      If they're not, then the induced current from RF from an MRI into something designed to work with an induced current from RF is going to cook it very quickly.

    3. M.V. Lipvig Silver badge

      Re: MRI?

      I think you had it right the first time.

      HUMMMMMMTINKTINKTINKAAAAAHHGHHH!

    4. mevets

      Re: MRI?

      Of all the health concerns somebody who surgically implants a car key into their body obviously faces, the inability to get an MRI is pretty far down the list. Closer to the top include impulse-control-disorder, possibly paraphilic disorder, and NOS-self harm disorder. (SDM-V; but i-ANAS)

  16. iron Silver badge

    Learning how to correctly use your phone so you can adjust its Bluetooth power management would seem like the intelligent, less painful solution.

    Or you could have surgery and implant a foreign body in your hand because you're a stupid, brain washed Muskovite.

    1. The Travelling Dangleberries

      Tesla owner gets key fob chip implanted in his hand

      So do Muskovites drive Muskvitches?

  17. Roger Kynaston Silver badge
    Meh

    Reminds me of the early days of Oyster cards

    There was a brief fashion for extracting the chip and gluing it to your watch. With hindsight I am surprised someone didn't try to implant it in their hand.

    1. F. Frederick Skitty

      Re: Reminds me of the early days of Oyster cards

      Reminds me of the guy who extracted the chip from his Oyster (London Transport travel card) and stuck it to the end of a magic wand. I'd occasionally see him at Londonbridge station waving the wand over the card sensor and getting through the barriers much to the amusement of tourists.

  18. Ahab Returns

    Better solution

    Just get an old car nobody wants to steal. I would be worried about having my hands cut off by the perp trying to half inch my jam-jar.

  19. Zarno

    YIKES

    I'm wondering if they even thought of a biologically compatible barrier...

    There's a reason the pet tags are in glass, and the people who implant a hitag or similar go with the glass encapsulated ones without the antimigration coating.

    The optimal placement for the hand is in the space of the thumb web, less chance of it tearing the skin/getting crushed than on the back.

    I ultimately went with a NFCRing instead for my access control needs, easier to remove...

    1. Blofeld's Cat

      Re: YIKES

      A friend of mine has been chipped since her days as a veterinary assistant.

      Apparently the cat she was holding moved at exactly the wrong moment.

    2. DrSunshine0104

      Re: YIKES

      My thought is what surgeon was okay with implanting a completely unnecessary device into the human body. But I guess there is the vanity plastic surgery industry.

  20. Plest Silver badge
    Facepalm

    Slow news day then!

    Complete bellend has RFID chip put under skin to unlock car, ala that twat Kevin wotnot from several years ago!

  21. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Another Elon 'is the new messiah'

    cult member telling him that he is just as deranged as the rest of the cult.

    Numpties the lot of them.

    I hope that he enjoys his 15 nano-seconds of fame. Tomorrow, he will be forgotten.

    1. John Brown (no body) Silver badge

      Re: Another Elon 'is the new messiah'

      "Tomorrow, he will be forgotten."

      Except here, where he will be mentioned forever more when other equally as daft people do similar things in the future :-)

  22. TeeCee Gold badge
    Coat

    Let me fix that.

    Tesla owner Brandon Dalaly....

    I'm sure that it's actually spelled; "Doolally".

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Let me fix that.

      Bzzzt. Repetition.

  23. M.V. Lipvig Silver badge

    ""I should probably state I currently have no money on this, so please no one chop my hand off...thanks," "

    Completely misses the fact that the chip controls a $60,000+ car.

    I do believe in God, so won't ever do the Mark of the Beast thing (didn't exist 2000 years ago, but somehow they forsaw this?) but that's a me thing. Even if you don't believe as I do, there's practical considerations such as how RFIDs work, converting microwaves into enough chip power to allow the chip to transmit, so the chip is irradiating the area it's implanted at constantly. Constant microwave irradiation of the same area might cause cancer in the area over time. Then there's the problem of chip migration, which sometimes happens with pet chips. Imagine having to bring a foot up to unlock the car, or rubbing your butt on the car because the chip migrated there and you have enough body mass that the car can't read the chip through your fat ass. And it had better be put into the inside hand, because the proximity detectors on these cars is tight enough that if the key is on the wrong side of the doorsill, the car won't start. I have a car with a keyfob, and if I have a leg out of the car it won't start because the key itself is not actually inside. Then, there's the issue of the chip wearing out, resulting in periodic remove and replace surgery, but you can't drive to the doctor because the key's broken. Pet chips last forever because they may never be scanned, but you drive every day and while in the car the car is in constant communication with the key (see microwave irradiation above.) Ever step out of the car while it's running? It gives you a KEY NOT IN VEHICLE alert of some sort.

    No, even if not for the Mark of the Beast, the rest of the problems of an implanted device are enough to say no to this.

    1. John Brown (no body) Silver badge

      "converting microwaves into enough chip power to allow the chip to transmit, so the chip is irradiating the area it's implanted at constantly. Constant microwave irradiation of the same area might cause cancer in the area over time."

      If may well receive enough RF to trigger it into life, but it's not going to transmit unless it receives a valid code. And even if it does start to transmit, the signal is very, very low. I very much doubt that this will have any long term effects. if it was possible, we'd already have millions of cats and dogs with cancer or other issues in the surrounding tissues since NFC implants have been a thing for pets for quite a few years now., about 35 or so. And you can bet the testing levels were less stringent on pet implants than any done for human implants.

      1. M.V. Lipvig Silver badge

        Yes, but how often are pets scanned? Maybe once a year at most, if the vet does so to check it during an annual checkup. Key fobs, on the other hand, are constantly scanned which is how the car knows where it is, and how it knows when the fob leaves the instant it crosses the threshold. So yes, the car chip is constantly transmitting.

        But, we'll find out for sure, now that we have people sticking the things in.

        1. Roland6 Silver badge

          Much will depend on the electrical and radio design of the key fob and its packaging.

          However, there should be a lot of data on the effects of cochlear implants that can be applied.

  24. aerogems Silver badge
    Facepalm

    How to say you’re a lazy gut with more money than sense without saying it.

  25. Henry Wertz 1 Gold badge

    Key fob

    I mean, he couldn't just have a key fob in his pocket? Bloody hell.

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