back to article BOFH: Would I lie to you, Boss?

BOFH logo telephone with devil's horns There's a bit of a panic on at Mission Control. The Boss is almost frantic and the PFY's a little on edge. It seems that the company's insurance auditors are concerned about the amount of money which has been paid out over the past 18 months and want some affidavits from us about the …

  1. MisterHappy
    Pint

    Was this the guy...

    Was this the guy they recruited after the last boss left? If so, they definitely got the right person for the job.

    ""He asked for a bag of barley sugars and then ran headlong into the wall," the PFY sighs."

    Top notch!

  2. Throgmorton Horatio III
  3. Michael H.F. Wilkinson
    Coffee/keyboard

    Freudian slap

    I think I can see a use for that technique.

    Brilliant!

  4. Inventor of the Marmite Laser

    Missed opportunity

    You mean the BOFH and/or the PFY don't have a sideline in the provision, support and Operation of "items of falsehood detection"?

    1. Hot Diggity

      Re: Missed opportunity

      It's the boss. If his lips are moving, falsehood is being emitted. No detection necessary.

      1. Inventor of the Marmite Laser

        Re: Missed opportunity

        Hot Diggity: but you can't invoice for just looking at his lips.

        1. The Oncoming Scorn Silver badge
          Pint

          Re: Missed opportunity

          Maybe you can't.....

    2. bpfh Silver badge

      Re: Missed opportunity

      The overcharged cattle prod, grepping your maildir and “anonymous” purity tests spring to mind…

      1. Stoneshop Silver badge
        Devil

        The overcharged cattle prod

        Electrically as well as financially, of course.

    3. trindflo Bronze badge
      Trollface

      items of falsehood detection

      An item like this?

      Snopes-Lie Detector

      1. Marshalltown

        Re: items of falsehood detection

        With the BOFH as the EE, the voltage would be higher.

  5. Charlie Clark Silver badge

    Missed a trick

    Surely, there's something to be gained for having the Boss arrested for several of the listed crimes for which the police are looking for suspects…

    1. DS999 Silver badge
      Thumb Down

      Re: Missed a trick

      What and lose a perfectly credulous boss who they can easily manipulate and is willing to go along with their schemes when it is in his interest also?

      Imagine how many interview candidates would have to accidentally leave through the window or open elevator shaft before they found a replacement who is his equal?

      No, they are much better off pinning it on a member of the board or better yet HR.

      1. Charlie Clark Silver badge

        Re: Missed a trick

        There's never a shortage of bosses…

  6. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    A Tad Of Paranoia And A Pinch Of Preparation Is Always Helpful......

    Quote: "...It's not like they're going to search your workplace computer ..."

    There's always a simple way out of that........it's called a USB Live Session With Persistence!

    All the innocuous stuff is done on the usual "workplace computer"..........

    .....everything else is done by booting the "workplace computer" into a USB Live Session.....and saving everything on the USB stick!

    .....so much easier to say "OK....search away" .....while keeping the USB stick in your shoe!!!

    .....of course, then there's the network traffic.....a bit harder to keep that away from the Security Department.....maybe a MiFi 4G hot spot!!!!

    .....then multi-pass encryption......and so on....................

    1. TRT Silver badge

      Re: A Tad Of Paranoia And A Pinch Of Preparation Is Always Helpful......

      Does the USB stick have a sharp point on it? You can really screw up a polygraph using a thumbtack hidden in your shoe.

    2. Potemkine! Silver badge

      Re: A Tad Of Paranoia And A Pinch Of Preparation Is Always Helpful......

      Do you think the BOFH wouldn't detect a USB stick got connected to a workplace computer?

      1. Loyal Commenter

        Re: A Tad Of Paranoia And A Pinch Of Preparation Is Always Helpful......

        Do you think the BOfH couldn't slip an incriminating USB stick into, for instance, your locked top desk drawer? One with all sorts of compromising and heavily illegal content. It could probably have your fingerprints and DNA on it too.

        1. Anonymous Coward
          Anonymous Coward

          Re: A Tad Of Paranoia And A Pinch Of Preparation Is Always Helpful......

          "and DNA on it too."

          Eww.

      2. Doctor Syntax Silver badge

        Re: A Tad Of Paranoia And A Pinch Of Preparation Is Always Helpful......

        That depends on whose stick and whose computer are involved.

    3. Stoneshop Silver badge
      FAIL

      Re: A Tad Of Paranoia And A Pinch Of Preparation Is Always Helpful......

      it's called a USB Live Session With Persistence!

      The Boss will have trouble understanding everything in that sentence past 'called', increasing with every word. Never mind the rest of your suggestion, which is on the level of rocket surgery.

      1. A.P. Veening Silver badge

        Re: A Tad Of Paranoia And A Pinch Of Preparation Is Always Helpful......

        which is on the level of rocket surgery.

        Would you care to operate on a torpedo?

  7. Il Midga di Macaroni

    I can't recall

    Sounds like the politicians in Melbourne, the world's most locked down city, when questioned about their "bat flu" response.

    1. Charlie Clark Silver badge

      Re: I can't recall

      Anmesia is the best way to avoid perjury.

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: I can't recall

        Yes, but not doing wrong is easier in the long run. Posting anonymously so you can't prove me wrong.

      2. Stoneshop Silver badge
        Coat

        Re: I can't recall

        Amnesia, that's a small town in France back in the times of Asterix and Obelix, isn't it?

        1. TRT Silver badge

          Re: I can't recall

          It's where the best rice pudding and custard comes from.

  8. TeeCee Gold badge
    WTF?

    Workplace accidents.

    "Time will show that this is just an aberration and not some form of trend."

    Ok. How the hell did Simon manage to say that while keeping a straight face?

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Workplace accidents.

      "Ok. How the hell did Simon manage to say that while keeping a straight face?"

      Because covid and WFH have lead to "workplace accidents" happening at an unusually low rate over the last couple of years and he anticipates a return to normal rates as people return (and subsequently annoy him)?

  9. Will Godfrey Silver badge
    Happy

    It all depends

    Do they find the boss easily 'manageable'. Then again, if he wasn't before he is now!

  10. Kurt 5

    Bzzt

    "Freudian Slap" - nice to know there is a proper term to describe it. I've used it effectively before.

    When I started reading this I was envisioning BOFH and PFY having a practice detector for the boss, or getting to the actual detector and making some subtle changes to the electrodes. BZZZT.

    Minor nit -- bought -> brought

    1. Charlie Clark Silver badge

      Re: Bzzt

      I didn't call you an irritating pedant!

      1. ciaran

        Re: Bzzt

        What did you say!?

        1. Paul Crawford Silver badge

          Re: Bzzt

          He said you are wearing an iridescent pendant, I think.

  11. bpfh Silver badge
    Headmaster

    I’m guessing that if…

    “Barley sugar” is the same sort of stuff as “bath salts”, not only will the workplace accident theory have an explanation, you will also have a new boss after the drug test…

    Mental note: don’t eat the poppy seed cake that was left on your desk every day for the last 3 months. Does not contain opium, but the tests can’t always tell the difference…

    1. M.V. Lipvig Silver badge

      Re: I’m guessing that if…

      Having gin and tonic's a bad idea as well, as tonic water has quinine in it and will cause a false positive for heroin use.

      https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/2728958/

      1. bpfh Silver badge

        Re: I’m guessing that if…

        The more you know!

        Time to switch out the tonic for Schweppes citrus :)

  12. Blackjack Silver badge

    What about rigging a script that encrypts the machine if you turn it on and then don't press certain key before using the password? Then it gets called a ransomware attack and everything gets paralized for weeks, including the investigation because the computers have to stay turned off or they will lose all the data!

    And no we can't pay, not only is a crime, we do not cooperate with terrorists! Are you mad? Do you want to go to jail?

    1. M.V. Lipvig Silver badge

      I've always thought this could be used to protect a phone, only use the fingerprint reader as the trigger. You can be compelled to unlock a phone this way, so it would be effective. Have everything you want protected in one folder, program overwrites that folder a dozen times when triggered.

      1. dlc.usa

        Incomplete

        Do not forget to ensure all traces of this function are also eliminated at the same time (backups?).

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      good way to involve

      this would be a good way to ensure a higher level of scrutiny and also some help from more savvy investigators... as you graduate from a simple audit to computer crimes which would almost guarantee something will be found

    3. TRT Silver badge

      Surely it's better to have a "false partition"... something with a limited amount of muck, nothing criminal, a few cached pages of tractor websites perhaps, just something that looks genuinely used. There's nothing gets them off your back quicker than if they think they've hit the motherland, but it turns out to be nothing usable really.

  13. earl grey
    Pint

    many thanks

    as deserved

  14. Doctor Syntax Silver badge

    Folks - are we taking something for granted here? Namely that the "company's insurance auditors" really are company's insurance auditors and not some of BOFH's cronies?

POST COMMENT House rules

Not a member of The Register? Create a new account here.

  • Enter your comment

  • Add an icon

Anonymous cowards cannot choose their icon

Other stories you might like