First steps into the world of thought leadership: What could go wrong?

"I have just read your profile. Have you ever thought about becoming a real estate agent?" This is my own fault for blindly accepting every connection request on LinkedIn. My network of professional contacts is in the hundreds but I know only about a dozen of them. The rest? I honestly haven't a clue who they are. They ask to …

[cawfee]

magnificent

one for dabbsy ->

[Alistair Dabbs]

Re: magnificent

Thanks. I am saving them up for tonight: I will be watching Montpellier (hopefully) beat Castres to win the Top 14 Rugby and be crowned champion de France. To this end, my town Hall is putting up a big screen by the river and offering a free apératif to get us started.

[ShadowSystems]

Re: magnificent

What are some other decent comedies in the Benny Hill, Fawlty Towers, Mrs. Brown's Boys, etc style of amusement? I don't watch sports because all I hear is screaming, cries of pain, & copious amounts of what sounds like ten ton fish smacking into tarmack at high velocity, not exactly worthy of sticking around instead of listening to something funny, like an episode of Red Dwarf or something. =-J

[Martin an gof]

Re: magnificent

Bemny Hill - don't go there, though the man himself is in the original Italian Job, which isn't half bad.

Fawlty Towers, try Father Ted or, of course The IT Crowd, both by Graham Linehan.

Red Dwarf - Chris Barrie went on to do The Brittas Empire which isn't dreadful.

Anything with Alan Partridge.

Anything by Armando Ianucci - The Thick of It is probably easier to find than The Day Today.

In a slightly similar vein, Twenty Twelve and, of course, W1A.

Let me.know how you get on :-)

M.

[Spasticus Autisticus]

Re: magnificent

You could try Old Harry's Game by Andy Hamilton. He's done lots of good stuff on radio and TV.

Also Alexei Sayle's Imaginary Sandwich Bar, and Lenin of the Rovers

Meet David Sedaris is laugh out loud too.

I'm Sorry I Haven't a Clue is good

All from BBC Radio 4

------

Red Dwarf, Benny Hill, Fawlty Towers - all individually brilliant and unique. Father Ted very good too.

Porridge, Open All Hours - Ronnie Barker

Early Absolutely Fabulous?

+1 for stuff by Armando Iannucci. Chris Morris fronted The Day Today, is this where Alan Partridge started?

Chris Morris's Brass Eye (his gardener is my gardener :) )

[Martin an gof]

Re: magnificent

How could I ignore the Radio 4 stuff? Especially the Alexei Sayle series, oh, and that reminds me, how about The Young Ones? I never got on with Bottom, but The New Statesman was pretty good. If a more traditional sitcom is favoured, back to radio, how about Cabin Pressure by John Finnemore with Roger Allam, Stephanie Cole and Benedict Cumberbatch (except for one episode)? John Finnemore's Souvenir Programme is consistently good too.

Radio Active? I used to love that. Didn't get on quite so well with the TV adaptation, KYTV. Drop the Dead Donkey was better.

The Mary Whitehouse Experience? Hugh Dennis in Outnumbered has occasional moments of brilliance, for topical stuff Hugh and Steve Punt front the Now Show and Rob Newman is back on the scene after a very long time off - his stuff is a bit more cerebral now perhaps :-)

My kids really enjoy Hut 33 and Bleak Expectations.

The Kumars at number 42? Before that on both radio (first) and then TV, Goodness Gracious Me.

The crew behind The Play That Goes Wrong has done several TV adaptations as The Goes Wrong Show.

Oh, and The Wrong Mans is one of those series which somehow escaped the notice of a lot of people.

Apparently Outlaws (just showing the second series) is pretty good - not seen it myself, but I have it on good authority.

M.

[Anonymous Coward]

Re: magnificent

Black Adder. The usual combination of simple fart jokes, mixed with complicated and often biting satire. Four series, not too many episodes and each is about 1/2 hour long. If you are vaguely familiar with British humour, you'll get it.

Strangely enough the finale of the final episode of Bladder IV is an incredibly powerful comment on war, especially WWI. A rather fitting ending. If you don't bother with the rest I think that one episode can stand on its own - its genius.

"I have a plan ... a plan so cunning, you could put a tail on it and call it a weasel".

"Fancy a licorice ... Darling?"

[Anonymous Coward]

Re: magnificent

Black Adder is great but the English in it is almost incomprensible to a non-native speaker like me. I really pity the translator who had to translate it to local language and shorten it to fit into subtexts, it must have been a major headache.

[Doctor Syntax]

"Basically, liars gradually get overwhelmed by the cognitive load of maintaining their pretense while those telling the truth don't have to."

This points to the basis of the BoJo technique. Don't overdo the cognitive load by maintaining the pretence of being consistent. Just say whatever you think the person you''re addressing wants to hear. Because they want to hear it they'll ignore the complete opposite waffle you're reported saying yesterday - or half an hour ago. If you can't be bothered remembering it why should they?

[Mike 137]

In the words of George Orwell

This points to the basis of the BoJo technique

What Orwell defined (in Newspeak) as a 'double plus good duckspeaker'

[disgruntled yank]

Really?

I thought perhaps it was shedding the cognitive load required to comb his hair. (American politicians at least put a great deal of thought--well, consideration--into hair management.)

[Doctor Syntax]

Re: Really?

You think a great deal of thought hasn't been put into BoJo's hair management?

[Terry 6]

Re: Really?

Oh yes. He actually makes his hair look that way. It's all part of the game he plays. BoJo the Clown. Good Old Boris etc. Lets him get away with all sorts.

[jake]

Re: Really?

Allsorts? His type is usually more interested in getting away with a couple handfuls of dolly mix.

_{Note to my fellow Yanks: don't bother trying to parse the above.}

[ShadowSystems]

Re: Really?

You know where else displays a dedication to hair management? The monkies at the zoo. You can watch them nitpicking each other for hours on end, untangling the knots, & trying to discover all the juicy tidbits they can put to their own personal benefit.

[TimMaher]

Re: zoo

It’s not actually a zoo. Technically it is called a ‘cabinet’.

[WolfFan]

Re: zoo

And Tories aren’t smart enough to be monkeys.

[Anonymous Coward]

Re: zoo

Good job I'd just finished my cuppa, have a 1000 up votes. ROLF.

[chivo243]

You too?

... how fantastic I am is a chore too far. You see, I am really bad at lying.

As much as I've tried, I can't blow sunshine up my own skirt... My LI profile is pitiful, and will stay that way! To make it better is to make it worse ;-}

[CT]

"tediously lengthy and needlessly double-spaced humblebrags"

Spot on.

Also...

Here are today's top jobs "based on your profile":

Chauffeur, Manchester

Costs Draftsperson, Liverpool

HR Assistant, Plymouth

Customer Care Assistant, London

5 Axis CNC Programmer, Cambridgeshire

[lglethal]

Re: "tediously lengthy and needlessly double-spaced humblebrags"

You drive a car, therefore you too can be a Chauffeur (and whats a little distance when you have a car?).

You mentioned you buy groceries, therefore you obviously know about costs! And I guess you once wrote something down so you can obviously do drafting! See you're a perfect fit.

You have the ability to talk, so again you would be perfect as a Customer Care Assistant.

You do something with IT, right? Well this has Programmer in the title, see again a perfect fit.

Hmmm, I dont see anything in your profile about being either incompetent, overtly lazy, or being a spawn of the devil, so I'm not sure why they think you might be good in HR. Oh wait I see it now! With the addition of just two letters your user name becomes C%&T. Yep that would make you fit in perfectly...

[CT]

Re: "tediously lengthy and needlessly double-spaced humblebrags"

Thanks. It all makes sense now. Except the IT angle, as I'm not even remotely in IT, other than reading the reg in the morning to see what new security breach I need to look out for.

Oh wait, I did post a Linkydink picture of my desk with a motivational mug of coffee on it, inadvertently including my keyboard and mouse. That'll be it.

Yours sincerely, Brian Cant

[John Brown (no body)]

Re: "tediously lengthy and needlessly double-spaced humblebrags"

"Thanks. It all makes sense now. Except the IT angle, as I'm not even remotely in IT, other than reading the reg in the morning to see what new security breach I need to look out for."

You just answered your own question. You read The Reg therefore you know waaaaay more than the average person about IT. You're nearly an expert!

[low_resolution_foxxes]

Re: "tediously lengthy and needlessly double-spaced humblebrags"

It almost smells like perhaps if you click a setting then LinkedIn is not allowed to use your personal info to offer marketing (aka job recruitment and cookie blocking).

So it ends up randomly offering jobs based on your IP address..?

Plenty of IT cookiephobics present in this community. Or "Firefox diabetics" as I like to call them.

[ThatOne]

Re: "tediously lengthy and needlessly double-spaced humblebrags"

> today's top jobs "based on your profile"

Best unwanted job offer I ever got was "horse breeder". I'm not sure I ever saw a horse in real life (if I did, it was in a distance) which obviously makes me the ideal person to run a horse breeding operation. Thanks to movies I can even tell the front and back ends apart!

I agree the sophisticated algorithm must be actually "spam them all, let god sort them out".

[Stoneshop]

Best unwanted job offer I ever got was "horse breeder".

Alzheimer and Dementia care specialist.

Probably best to forget about a career path there.

[KittenHuffer]

Re: "tediously lengthy and needlessly double-spaced humblebrags"

All you really need to know is they are: dangerous at both ends, and uncomfortable in the middle - Twain

[Natalie Gritpants Jr]

So what is an actually useful website to replace LinkedIn now that it's turned into social media shit?

[chivo243]

Oddly enough, I've come across Indeed... indeed.com. It may have been out there for a long time, but I've just started testing the next employer waters again.

[Anonymous Coward]

I find that doing 2 things helps with making LinkedIn bearable.

1) I only accept connection requests if we have some actual connection. If you're a former classmate, co-worker, customer, client, vendor, etc, we're good. If you're a salesperson I've never dealt with, nope. If you're an "influencer" or a "thought leader", no. Financial advisers, realtors, auto salespeople, nope. Being "in my network" should mean something more than just clicking a blue button.

2) I have a low tolerance for non business related drivel. Posts or shares that are political are noise. Posts to "like and reshare this so little Jimmy can get 10,000 postcards before he dies of cancer" are noise. "Inspirational" posts (either religious or the variety that adorn posters loved by midlevel HR drones) are noise*. If your S/N level drops low enough, I block posts from you.

My feed is pretty quiet. I don't know that it's particularly useful, but it does allow me to find out when people change jobs, since I'm not on facebook.

* posts with dogs should be categorized as noise, but if the pup is obviously a good boi I'll allow it. Before you ask about cats, remember: as far as cats are concerned, you aren't family, you're staff, so cat related posts are clearly business related.

[Anonymous Coward]

I only used Linky Din to stalk fit birds

[Yet Another Anonymous coward]

Until you realise FIT is yet another container platform

[J.G.Harston]

Modern media content

Me me me me, me me: me me! "me me me me", me me. Me me me, me me, me me-me me. Me? Me me! Me me me me.

[Steve K]

Re: Modern media content

That's a meme!

[Horst U Rodeinon]

Re: Modern media content

ten up votes. I'd have gone for a hundred for "That's a me meme!"

[yetanotheraoc]

Modern me-dia content

What will I post about today?

[Sam not the Viking]

Missed Opportunity

I abandoned LinkedIn when the volume of spam I received overwhelmed my ability to shun it. On reading Dabbsy's enthusiastic embracing of the channel, I realise I could be mistaken. He is revelling in the varied opportunities which enfold, I fritter away, nay abandon, careers where I might be better employed. I am in a rut, sitting in the sunshine enjoying the fruits of my past labours. I could have been behind a bar rather than in front of it.

In lieu of shattered dreams --->

[Anonymous Coward]

I Used To Hate That!

...summaries of how fantastic I am is a chore too far. You see, I am really bad at lying.

They force you into over-inflating your abilities and self-belief, then deliberately try to shoot it down in the interview. It's even worse when it is for internal vacancies.

CV: I'm really good working with others.

Interview: According to your record (created by us), you are a sociopath.

The way to get this label on your secret company-held profile could apparently amount to once having told someone their idea wouldn't work, explaining why, and when they then had their annual review and it came to the '360 degree review thing', they'd vented their spleen and marked you for life.

I mean, we all know that if someone screws up, no avenue involving them trying to blame it on everyone else must be left unexplored.

[KittenHuffer]

Re: I Used To Hate That!

I know exactly what you mean. I had the 360 degree bad review a couple of years ago, without being told what I had done wrong. It seems that my attitude has 'improved' since then .... according to whomever.

The reality is that I tend to get these 'bad attitude' reviews early during my time in an employment, when my enthusiasm for doing a good job rubs someone up the wrong way. Then when they have killed off any enthusiasm or drive I have, and I'm only marking time until they p*ss me off enough to find something else, that's when my reviews seem to markedly improve.

The good reviews I'm getting at the moment tell me that it might be time to blow the dust off my CV again!

[yetanotheraoc]

Re: I Used To Hate That!

Next job, you should try being jaded and blasé from the outset.

[ThatOne]

Re: I Used To Hate That!

> my enthusiasm for doing a good job

Never do this, HR won't stand for it. It makes them redundant. You need to be an adequate yet fragile employee, that's where HR can best prove its worth (never forget HR's motto is "Without us everything will immediately and irremediably fall apart").

[Munchausen's proxy]

Re: I Used To Hate That!

"CV: I'm really good working with others."

"Interview: According to your record (created by us), you are a sociopath"

"With others, on others, whatever works."

"Have you considered a move to management?"

[Jason Bloomberg]

500 words about breaking her favorite coffee mug

I must admit I felt more emotional loss than I anticipated when I discovered I had accidentally thrown out a particular ex-beer-mat-come-coaster. Not sure why I ever became so attached to it or why I am still not over it.

I don't know if I can be arsed to find another 450-plus words to describe my anguish and plight, but here goes...

Just kidding.

But I do miss that coaster.

[Anonymous Coward]

Re: 500 words about breaking her favorite coffee mug

I was upset when I broke my mug too. It was one that had the company logo on - only two in the UK. (Head office in the US had a load made, and sent a couple over to us limeys).

I had left the job and took the mug with me (the other had a crack in it). Sentimental value I suppose, been there for over ten years....

End of story - how many words was that?

[alisonken1]

Re: 500 words about breaking her favorite coffee mug

For those who _really_ love their mugs (or one of a kind keepsakes), there's a YouTube video to help you keep those heirlooms from the past:

How To Fix A Porcelain Mug With A TIG Welder (youtube video)

[Anonymous Coward]

Re: 500 words about breaking her favorite coffee mug

Broke my "Worlds Best Dad" mug.

Don't see my sons being credulous enough to buy me a replacement now.

[Anonymous Coward]

Re: 500 words about breaking her favorite coffee mug

Could always buy one yourself?

[John Brown (no body)]

Re: 500 words about breaking her favorite coffee mug

My everyday mug broke the other day. My wife bought it for me about 10 years ago. It got used every morning at breakfast and sometimes through the day too. I don't care that it broke. I have others. Yes, I said my wife bought it for me. Sentimental value? Not really. It was her who dropped it in the sink and broke it. It was her fault, not mine :-)

[Grunchy]

Re: 500 words about breaking her favorite coffee mug

I went to the thrift store and found some unbreakable Tupperware camp mugs that somebody else had used for a lifetime and wasn't able to wear out, now it's my turn. I swear they are practically indestructible, but the best part of it is, if/when I do successfully break the thing, I can take the fragments to another Tupperware vendor and exchange for a brand new replacement, free of charge. Yeah, even if these ones date to the 1950s.

I actually got rid of all the china and am going 100% Tupperware, because I don't give a crap!

[Benegesserict Cumbersomberbatch]

Re: 500 words about breaking her favorite coffee mug

The first year I worked for my current employer, the festive season rolled around and each employee found a Bluetooth speaker in their pigeon hole. How nice! None of my former employers had even taken the time to even acknowledge the most wonderful time of the year.

Next year, same time, there's a picnic basket / drinks cooler. Nice. Maybe not as nice as a speaker, but still, the thought is there.

Next year, same time: a coffee mug, thoughtfully advertising the employer. Hmm. Could always take it on a picnic and listen to a few tunes on my speaker... If only the cheap Middle Kingdom crapheap hadn't packed it in months ago

Last year, same time: a biscuit. Literally a single iced biscuit. Stamped with the corporate logo. To acknowledge a public facing health care workforce just enduring the peak of a pandemic.

If my coffee mug hadn't fallen off its shelf and smashed, I would have done on purpose what happened by accident.

[Yet Another Anonymous coward]

Re: 500 words about breaking her favorite coffee mug

Next year just a pill on each desk and a note about reducing headcount

[John Brown (no body)]

Re: 500 words about breaking her favorite coffee mug

Yeah, but who gets the red pill and who the blue? Is it a choice you can make or is it made for you?

The long black trenchcoat with the cool shades in the pocket -------------->

[Anonymous Coward]

Re: 500 words about breaking her favorite coffee mug

Don't have a TIG welder - or the mug anymore!

[Anonymous Coward]

Re: 500 words about breaking her favorite coffee mug

I Still miss my EMC mug,I used to joke that cost me £250,000 as we bought a £500,000 array and they would only give us 2 mugs. Unfortunately the gorgeous gold leaf didn't withstand the dishwasher after a couple of years

[Liam Proven]

https://english.bouletcorp.com/2021/01/09/linked-in/

:-D

[Rafael #872397]

It's a trap!

"Yup, that's exactly the kind of baby-sitter we need on Thursday nights!"

While you're here keeping Junior from destroying the house, do you mind checking our printer? It keeps complaining about something about the ink.

[John Brown (no body)]

Re: It's a trap!

You sure it's an ink problem? It's saying "Load Letter". Ah, I see what you mean. It's not printing because it's run out of letter ink. It should be ok for printing pictures though.

[disgruntled yank]

Link Din

There was a brief period a few years ago when I saw a number of stories that were essentially Somerset Maugham's short story "The Verger", but with details changed and presented as fact. There may only have been three such that I saw, but it did surprise me.

Given that Horatio Alger and Samuel Smiles are long since in the public domain, I don't see what's stopping anyone from posting lots of inspiring borrowed stuff. For every grouch who recognizes the source, twenty or fifty will give a thumbs-up.

[Anonymous Coward]

Re: Link Din

Remember seeing Richard Briers on "Tales of the Unexpected" with that same story (except it was tea shops and American investors waiting to buy him out). Never realised it was a story before

[Irony Deficient]

Given that Horatio Alger and Samuel Smiles are long since in the public domain, …

… I don’t see what’s stopping anyone from posting lots of inspiring borrowed stuff.

I would prefer not to.

[Dr_N]

It's been a long time ...

How is Norbert Spankmonkeys doing, Mr Dabbs?

[WolfFan]

Re: It's been a long time ...

He’s annoyed because English monkeys actually like being spanked.

[Bebu]

A problem with the cognitive load lying test in this industry is that too few have any cognitive facility to (over)load and those that do have a skerrick still wouldn't know that they were lying.

I had forgotten about Max H. - He would have loved Trump.

Must have been about the time of the Kenny Everett show. Would say different times but shockingly similar.

I would have thought mentioning Dr Johnson and Dante in the same column would disqualify the writer from linkedin. I did like the comparison between the Inferno and laser printer paper path.

[Irony Deficient]

I did like the comparison between the Inferno and laser printer paper path.

Lasciate ogne speranza, voi che stampate.

[Alistair Dabbs]

How could you forget about Max Headroom? Why he is not doing TED talks and gaining billions of views remains a mystery.

[Mark 85]

Max knows that billions of view won't pay the bills. He's probably doing something that might be somewhat productive.

[TimMaher]

He is not doing TED talks...

... because he has a regular column in Private Eye.

[david 12]

A problem with the cognitive load lying test is that politicians who are too honest fail it.

Most top-level politicians have two methods for success.

1) Never know what you are talking about. As long as you can avoid knowing the truth, you can believe whatever you make up.

2) Always stick to the talking points. Once you realize that political journalists and publishers are all liars, you don't have any problem just talking rubbish and ignoring the questions.

[A. Coatsworth]

>>get them to hold an awkward object with both hands

... or make them ride an unicycle, for that matter.

Is there a subliminal message here? Both the BOFH and Dabbs talking about job applications...

[Franco]

Recruiters on LinkedIn "You have the skills for the role I'm recruiting for at a salary of X, but we're a bit concerned about how often you change jobs"

Me: I'm a contractor, so not interested in your salary. I sign up to do a project, finish it, and then move on

Then of course you get the sales bods who see you're a company director. Translation in parentheses.

"We want to connect (Sell to!) with business leaders (anyone) such as yourself and help them strengthen their brand (we sell snake oil, but call it brand recognition or social media optimisation or some such shite).

and then the "INfluencers"

"Please tell us how we can help you"

Me: stop spamming me

And that's before you get to the "I work 9-5, I'm 21 years old and have 3 kids, 5 houses and 8 cars and you can too!", "I had 10 cars yesterday but I gave 2 to homeless people I met on the way to work" and the CONSTANT virtue signalling.

[Doctor Syntax]

If recruiters are unfamiliar with the concept of contracting there's something wrong with the recruitment of recruiters.

[Franco]

I get at least one a month saying they can see I've been contracting for years but thought I might be interested in this perm vacancy they have, usually the same agencies but a different person showing how quick their turnover is.

[Doctor Syntax]

It's probably the same person who just switches names as soon as everyone starts ignoring him.

[TheProf]

The Music Video

I watched about 30 seconds of the music video but felt it was a little bit NSFW.

And I'm at home!

Oh right. LinkedIn. I signed up for it but only because a friend needed a bit of a boost in the numbers department. They never did pay me the £5 they promised.

[bobkn]

Gender related?

I admit that the sample is tiny, but are we implicitly thinking that silly self-centered posts on LinkedIn are a female territory?

On a somewhat unrelated manner, I found that ending my LinkedIn account didn't eliminate my presence there. I kept getting link requests by email. I had to contact then to specifically request that they get rid of the profile. They really didn't want to say goodbye.

[Anonymous Coward]

Re: Gender related?

"I kept getting link requests by email"

I never was on LinkedIn, and still get the occasional link request.

[Stoneshop]

I never was on LinkedIn, and still get the occasional link request.

Or LI requests mailed to role accounts that don't have, and never had, even the slightest hint of LI presence.

[Doctor Syntax]

Re: I never was on LinkedIn, and still get the occasional link request.

I've seen LI requests goe to a newsgroup. It probably scoured somebody's contact list. Possibly the same bloke whose out of office responder kept replying to posts.

[Munchausen's proxy]

1 percent inspiration, 99 percent plagiarism – that's my motto.

Thats gold, Jerry! Gold!

[DCA]

I said it first!

Alistair, I think you stole those suggested LinkedIn posts from my profile. Or at least that is what I will say whenever anyone accuses me of plagiarism.

[Anonymous Custard]

Re: I said it first!

Tom Lehrer got there first.

Although it is poetic justice to "borrow" it...

[Grunchy]

Connection request sent!

I don’t know anybody on LinkedIn, either!

My online passtime writing activity is with PMI. Somehow I swindled a PMP out of those folks, but they make me ‘maintain’ it with continuous education hours. However, instead of wasting time and money attending tedious project management classes and interacting with actual project managers (shudder), I instead take advantage of their wealth of webinars and course recordings. Then, when I’ve accumulated my 1/2 hr or 1 hr of continuous education, they mistakenly ask me for my comment about what I had just been exposed to! Well, since you asked… then I give a synopsis of the whole presentation with withering judgments about a) the presenter, b) the topic, c) the futility, d) how irrelevant it is to project management, e) what a scam project management is, f) and any other biting criticism I can think of. Next thing you know I’ve got several hundred followers and I’m a thought influencer! Even though I think the industry is a glorified scam and nobody would ever be foolish enough to ever hire me (yup: never even worked in the industry. Although when you think about it, isn’t *everything* project management?)

Even I have had invitations to join the real estate sales force, but I’m just busy doing important things, involving arduino ,and Linux, etc? I’ve got servers to configure, durn it! No time for listings.

[jake]

Now hang on ... Linkedin is useful for something!

I've been dropping resumes/c.v.s that mention Linkedin into the shredder for about a dozen years now. IMO, including such a link is nothing more than laziness on your part, and I don't hire lazy people.

Remember, your resume/c.v. is a paper representation of yourself. Treat it accordingly. Free hint: Have it proofread by several people who aren't brown nosers before you actually use it. I may be critical, but even I know that I can't proof my own work!

[John Brown (no body)]

Re: Now hang on ... Linkedin is useful for something!

Unfortunately, many employers now actively look for LI or other social media presence when culling the pile of applications, so those of us with no presence don't even get passed the "bin and move on" stage. Likewise, many employers are concerned about applicants who don't change jobs often enough, seeing it as a lack of ambition or drive or something instead of the potential asset of a loyal employee with years of experience..

Whether you want to work for a company like that is another matter of course.

[Anonymous Custard]

1 percent inspiration, 99 percent plagiarism – that's my motto.

You are the Great Lobachevsky and I claim my £5.

[Daedalus]

Comic relief

I am 57 and am drunk most of the time. I eat chili nachos and fart on the sofa while watching the rugby and can down at least 10 pints in a session. And yet I am still fucking ace at my work, whatever it is, and despite HR who are always banging on about something or other. Oh and everyone at work fancies me.

You're a professional cartoonist.

[Potemkine!]

"No man but a blockhead ever wrote except for money."

"To write is to jump outside the line of the assassins" - Franz Kafka

[Flywheel]

My Employee!

The rest? I honestly haven't a clue who they are. They ask to connect and I accept

I was on Linkedin a while back, in the days when I foolishly assumed I could take pictures for the music industry and get paid. One day I looked at my LinkedIn account and was surprised and amazed to find that I had not only acquired an employee (in Mumbai), but that he had been working for me for over a year! I tied unsuccessfully to contact "John" (for that was not his name), and then tried to contacting "Support" to get him removed. I heard nothing. The worrying thing was that he didn't even bother to ask to connect. What a great system!