back to article How to get banned from social media without posting a thing

"Is it in yet?" There you go! It's working now! "There's no need to push it," I explain calmly. "Just put it right here and it should insert itself automatically, see?" Mme D is trying to connect two social media accounts so she won't have to upload the same photo twice. Frankly, she doesn't even want to upload it once. She'd …

  1. Pete 2 Silver badge

    There's your answer!

    As the lady says:

    > "Social media is a time-wasting pit of crazies, pornographers, criminals, and perpetually angry nobodies flinging insults at each other,"

    and in conclusion:

    > Mme D's social media feed managed to irrevocably breach social media content rules within minutes of creating her account – without actually having any content in it.

    The account (obviously) was banned, blocked and b*ggered due to the LACK of hate-content.

    1. TRT Silver badge

      Re: There's your answer!

      It was blocked for being inactive I expect.

    2. CuChulainn Silver badge

      Re: There's your answer!

      Amazon Is As Bad

      Some years ago when I first started buying from it, I was optimistically hoping to be invited on to the Amazon Vine. Consequently, I religiously wrote a full and accurate review of anything I bought. To be fair, this was also to try and offset the misleading reviews by others (i.e. 'The postman left it with a neighbour' - 1 star; or 'Does exactly what I want, good quality' - 3 stars).

      I was in the Top 50 at one point and it was looking good.

      Then, out of the blue, Amazon accused me of taking bribes and threatened me with a ban.

      The problem was, I hadn't taken any bribes. I'd never even been offered a bribe (and still haven't). But the corporate behemoth that is Amazon (or should that be 'Leviathan'?) refused to enter into any dialogue whatsoever. They wouldn't even identify what it was I'd been bribed over.

      To be honest, I think it was another reviewer who had made the accusation when they saw me encroaching on their territory.

      I systematically deleted every single review I had ever written (reasoning any chance of getting on The Vine was now impossible) and refuse to give them any feedback at all. And if anyone does ask me to review a verified purchase, I tell them 'no' and explain why.

      1. Down not across Silver badge

        Re: There's your answer!

        The most baffling thing with Amazon reviews is the questions bit. What an earthe compels someone to answer "I don't know\" in various variations which then gets posted on Amazon. Are people really so stupid they don't realise they don't have to answer the question? Wait... never mind.

        Also perhaps Amazon should not publish those totally unhelpful and useless answers.

        1. This post has been deleted by its author

        2. Terry 6 Silver badge

          Re: There's your answer!

          But this is not so different from the idiocy of idiots who idiotically respond with "sorry no" to "does anyone.." type questions on the corporate network.

          "Does anyone know where the spare paper clips are kept"

          "Sorry no" x300

        3. Graham Dawson Silver badge

          Re: There's your answer!

          I understand that the questions sometimes get emailed out to random previous purchasers, who seem to believe that they're required to answer rather than just ignoring it.

        4. PC Paul

          Re: There's your answer!

          It's because the question previous buyers receive is phrased as a personal direct plea for help, being a polite nation we don't like to just ignore that, so we say so. And they post it.

      2. Gene Cash Silver badge

        Re: There's your answer!

        if anyone does ask me to review a verified purchase, I tell them 'no' and explain why.

        I got a new Pixel recently. The phone and messages apps *demanded* that I review them. Every time I used them for 2 days.

        What? Is the app space for the phone and messages apps such a battleground?

        So I said "Stop asking me to rate it, please." and Google deleted it on the basis it was a feature request.

        I changed it to "Leaving a review as requested - 1 star - horrible user experience."

        1. Doctor Syntax Silver badge

          Re: There's your answer!

          Spam, including - no make that especially - pestering for reviews, is negative customer service and any subsequent review should focus on it. Not that the marketroids will ever learn.

        2. John Brown (no body) Silver badge

          Re: There's your answer!

          And how can anyone give a review about an app in the first day or two of using it? Odds are, it's either dead easy and obvious how it works, or it has features that may take days or weeks before you either need them or discover them. *demanding* a review in such a short space of time of first using it will, IMHOP, almost always result in a poor review, because the app doesn't work the way *I* want it to, or is different from a previous one I was using, there, by definition, it's not very good at that stage or the learning curve.

          1. ThatOne Silver badge
            Devil

            Re: There's your answer!

            > how can anyone give a review about an app in the first day or two of using it?

            Well, if you wait any longer, people might start stumbling upon the shortcomings, bugs and other problems the app might have, so it's better to insist on getting a review while the buyer is still under the acquisition rush: "Bought it! Oh boy, oh boy! New! Shiny! 5 stars!"

            (Also, any real in-depth reviews would make all the paid or fake ones ("Cool!" "Works!") stick out even more, and your app would never get those 4+ stars required to be even noticed by potential clients.)

    3. Mark 85 Silver badge

      Re: There's your answer!

      Maybe it's time to open an anti-social media site.... call it something like "Faceless Book". You can join, but if you post anything, you'll be banned.

      1. Robert Moore
        Coat

        Re: There's your answer!

        Your ideas intrigue me and I wish to subscribe to your newsletter. I trust it is entirely blank.

      2. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: There's your answer!

        I'd sign up but I don't want to belong to any club that would accept me as one of its members.

        G Marx

        1. Daedalus

          Re: There's your answer!

          That letter is now in the Library of Congress

          1. A.P. Veening Silver badge

            Re: There's your answer!

            That letter is now in the Library of Congress

            Well, that is already one club to which he never even was invited ;)

      3. captain veg Silver badge

        Re: There's your answer!

        I once entertained the idea of setting up an antisocial network. I considered calling it twatter.

        Very quickly I discovered that someone else had had the same idea, and realised it on twatter.com (sadly deceased).

        I was shocked.,

        Sadly, you will have to take my word for it.

        -A.

    4. HildyJ Silver badge
      Coat

      Re: There's your answer! Not quite

      "I haven't posted anything yet," she replies. "We had lunch instead, remember?"

      "Lunch" is the key. Eating lunch and not posting a picture is a banable offense.

  2. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Breach of rule

    "Your account has been blocked due to a breach of our content rules"

    The content rule you breached was clearly going off to have lunch / a life instead of instantly filling your account with self opinionated cr4p. By failing to immediately sit there filling both literal and metaphorical p1ss bottles until the small hours you indicated a lack of willingness to create content they can hang ads off. You fiend.

    1. Joe W Silver badge

      Re: Breach of rule

      Yes. That's likely the reason.

      I once (yeah... still ashamed) tried to dign up for... dunno... facebook? Could register, and then an hour later: account blocked. *shrugs*. It seems that they have so far not sold my email address or name to anybody, since the address was unique to that account and there's a few possibilities how to write/abbreviate my names, also which ones to use, and how to - if at all - connect them. And I changed my cell phone number as well (though that had different reasons).

  3. b0llchit Silver badge
    Pint

    Social media is a time-wasting pit of crazies, pornographers, criminals, and perpetually angry nobodies flinging insults at each other

    Mme D should become an influencer and tell all her followers that social media is "a time-wasting pit of crazies, pornographers, criminals, and perpetually angry nobodies flinging insults at each other".

    The tone is probably just right to get past the AI keepers and create a mob to storm the social media. Using their own weapons. Must be satisfying. Good riddance.

    1. FeepingCreature Bronze badge

      "oh no, please do not do that" --social media

      1. b0llchit Silver badge
        Devil

        Who is going to stop us? You? Your advertisement money income would suffer greatly if you did something!

        We are doing you a favor. You get more views and we get the word out. You make more money as we make you look bad. What is not to like? We practice the paradox of (social) media and we all win.

  4. Fr. Ted Crilly Bronze badge

    Soooo

    Dabbs favours piss-jugs eh, here, let bubbles explain... https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D0u6Lb6RCz4

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Soooo

      the back of my work from home shed/offfice has the grass beaten down as it saves a walk to the house where I have to talk to the missus....

      The compost heap is doing well, though.

      1. The Axe

        Re: Soooo

        I can't be bothered walking back into my house either. I claim it's good for the Gooseberry bushes.

        1. Anonymous Coward
          Anonymous Coward

          Re: Soooo

          That's a thorny issue!

  5. Zebo-the-Fat

    What?

    Social Media? what's that?

    1. Greybearded old scrote Silver badge

      Re: What?

      Well, what you just posted on is part of it.

      1. Pascal Monett Silver badge

        El Reg is most definitely not social media.

        There are intelligent people here.

        1. Joe W Silver badge

          and we are not that social.

          1. Loyal Commenter Silver badge
            Flame

            Indeed, the El Reg comments section is very much Antisocial Media™.

        2. NATTtrash
          Holmes

          Still wondering who the two (Saturday, 29 January 2022 - 06:54:57 hrs BST) non-intelligent ones are that downvoted you...

      2. Paul Kinsler Silver badge

        Re: [social media] ... what you just posted on is part of it.

        I tend to agree ... but also not agree.

        Early internet "social media" were (at least in my experience) just that, /social/ media: e.g. usenet was based on groups, irc had channels, etc. You might have thrown your ego about in such forums, and some were admins or moderators, but essentially the forum was about the group or social interest of those who turned up and posted/talked there. Like these ElReg forums, mostly.

        In contrast, what is now called "social media" tend to be explicitly about ego: e.g. /my/ twitter feed, /my/ facebook page, /my/ blogcast, &etc. So I'd rather call it "Ego media" rather than "social media", but my one vote counts for little, especially since I don't have a twittr account or whatever. So these forums don't really fir into "social media" in the contemporary sense.

        Hang on, I've got an idea. Maybe I should start up a blogcast (whatever that is :) entitled "Clog Blast", since that sounds superficially amusing. But what should it be about? [1]

        -

        [1] Well, about *me*, obviously :-) ... and ...er... clogs?

        1. yetanotheraoc Silver badge

          Re: [social media] ... what you just posted on is part of it.

          "I tend to agree ... but also not agree."

          I have the same problem.

          1. lglethal Silver badge
            Trollface

            Re: [social media] ... what you just posted on is part of it.

            "I guess we'll have to agree to disagree"

            "I won't agree to that!"

            Or the classic Bill Hicks quote

            "People who hate people, come together!"

            "NOOOO!"

            "Damn, we almost had a meeting going..."

        2. Stoneshop Silver badge
          Mushroom

          Re: [social media] ... what you just posted on is part of it.

          "Clog Blast", since that sounds superficially amusing. But what should it be about? [1]

          Exploding clogs, of course. In the same vein as Will It Blend and Hydraulic Press; you don't have to actually have something to say, just showing things going boom will get you visitors.

          1. Claverhouse Silver badge

            Re: [social media] ... what you just posted on is part of it.

            A fan-site for Bill Tidy's The Cloggies obviously.

          2. Disk0

            Re: [social media] ... what you just posted on is part of it.

            Search for the “Driekusman” video to see the original clogbangers in action

  6. Chronos
    Mushroom

    Influence this

    we should always do what influencers tell us to otherwise they won't be influencers any more. And, well, that would be a disaster, wouldn't it?

    Oh yes, a disaster akin to Vlad becoming a friendly old chap respecting borders, Sleepy Joe cancelling student debt and Boris keeping it in his pants for once.

    1. bombastic bob Silver badge
      Devil

      Re: Influence this

      This reminds me of a few years ago when I refused to have a social media account on a well known platform that I like to call 'Faece-Ban', even though articles and radio personalities and people I knew were suggesting that NOT being on this platform would hurt my future employment and business options. I figured owning my own web site was sufficient "social media" since I could pretty much post whatever I want and I didn't have to deal with trolls and Karens.

      I have NO idea where this kind of "thinking" came from... must've originated with "The Influencers"

  7. Howard Sway Silver badge

    "I haven't posted anything yet," she replies. "We had lunch instead"

    I think this was the cause - apparently you're supposed to post a photo of your meals before you eat them.

    It's just rude not to let everybody who is desperate to see what you're going to eat look at a picture of it. They might be missing out on something.

    1. Loyal Commenter Silver badge

      Re: "I haven't posted anything yet," she replies. "We had lunch instead"

      It's preferable to posting pictures of them after you have eaten them.

      1. stiine Silver badge

        Re: "I haven't posted anything yet," she replies. "We had lunch instead"

        You eat pictures?

        1. Mark 85 Silver badge

          Re: "I haven't posted anything yet," she replies. "We had lunch instead"

          You eat pictures?

          Maybe the people in the pictures?

      2. TRT Silver badge

        Re: "I haven't posted anything yet," she replies. "We had lunch instead"

        There was a Flickr group for pavement pizza. I'm sure it's a Rule 34 variant.

      3. ClockworkOwl
        Coat

        Re: "I haven't posted anything yet," she replies. "We had lunch instead"

        Pill cam!

        Here's my food before I eat, here's me eating it, and now, here's my guts digesting it!

        Pass it quick, I'm of to the patent office>>

    2. The Axe

      Re: "I haven't posted anything yet," she replies. "We had lunch instead"

      There is a hashtag named PINAC (Photography Is Not A Crime) where people take pictures and get hassled by cops and security and random people. They usually get labelled as weirdos. Taking pictures of interesting this isn't weird. But taking pictures of food you are about to eat is most definitely weird.

      1. vogon00

        Re: "I haven't posted anything yet," she replies. "We had lunch instead"

        " food you are about to eat is most definitely weird."

        So, on a scale of 1 to infinity, how weird would it be to take pics of food you have already eaten?

      2. ThatOne Silver badge
        Devil

        Re: "I haven't posted anything yet," she replies. "We had lunch instead"

        > taking pictures of food you are about to eat is most definitely weird

        And how else can you rub your foodie friends' noses in your latest discovery/feat?

        Or at least stay credible by proving all your meals are indeed 100% foodie-grade?

  8. Steve Davies 3 Silver badge
    Big Brother

    Brilliant post Dabbsy.

    This is exactly why (well, one of the reasons why) I refuse and will continue to refuse all attempts to get me onto anti-Social Media.

    It is just not worth the angst.

    Mrs Dabbs is just one of the millions canned for no reason (not that they'd tell us, minions, anyway).

    Just give them a huge middle finger and get on with life and Fsck Zuck and friends.

    I'd love for someone to take Zuck personally to court and get him to explain why people can't get a reason why they are blocked/banned. If he can't or won't put in place a proper appeals process that actually gives you reasons then he needs to pay... and pay handsomely. Say $500,000 per day per account banned without reason.

    1. Pascal Monett Silver badge

      Oh but he has reasons.

      He's just not letting you know what they are.

    2. Yet Another Anonymous coward Silver badge

      Re: Brilliant post Dabbsy.

      So you're saying that a club you don't want to join should pay a massive fine for not letting you join ?

      1. swm Silver badge

        Re: Brilliant post Dabbsy.

        "So you're saying that a club you don't want to join should pay a massive fine for not letting you join ?"

        Sounds like a plan.

  9. Terry 6 Silver badge

    Currentlly banned from social media by daughter

    She told me to stop using it because it just makes me angry.

    She's right. Much better that I get angry dealing with Virgin Media's useless customer support, TfL's failure to do the local street maintenance they promised to be done in early January- after fighting them for most of 2021, Barnet's failure to sort out local street repairs and the Metropolitan Police's failing to deal with the antisocial behaviour and minor drug dealing at the end of our street.

    {Nurse, I think it's time for my pills}

  10. LastTangoInParis

    How very Kafka-esque. Franz would have loved this!

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Actually, it is Kafka-esque, but not so much when you refer to his novel "The Trial", but more if you look at his book "The Castle" (see Wikipedia for descriptions).

      The users of a social media network are indeed like the protagonist, K, in "The Trial" in that they do not have a life, which was the "crime" in "The Trial". Mrs Dabbs, however, did have a real life and was not willing to forgo it for social media. No Kafkaesque crime here.

      I think you can find more support from the protagonist of "The Castle", also K. btw, who tries to to get permission of the Lord of the Castle, to live in the village below the Castle, but (spoiler alert) never gets it. That is much more like the adventures of the Hapless Mrs Dabbs.

      All in all, I think, Kafka's The Castle is a very apt metaphor of Meta.

  11. Prst. V.Jeltz Silver badge

    name generation technique

    " DABBS_9571684884194295615498,"

    Looks like you used the same name generation technique I did after ebay refused my first dozen attempts

    1. Graham Cobb Silver badge

      Re: name generation technique

      If I have to create an account on a site (normally just to read something) I just generate a pronounceable password. Many of them look like nicknames and they are usually available.

       apg -n 20 -m 7 -x 7 -M L

      normally generates at least one which looks suitable. For example, this just generated a list including themava, dilirra and jandovo. They all look like social media handles to me.

      1. brotherelf
        Pint

        Re: name generation technique

        You mean dilirra is not an exploitative recreational-drugs-to-your-doorstep startup? With the vowel shift and being right between delivery and delirium (or possibly "delivery" pronounced by somebody near alcohol-induced delirium), what a missed opportunity.

        1. This post has been deleted by its author

    2. ShadowSystems

      Re: name generation technique

      Any time a name generator spits up a string of numbers, copy those numbers, paste them into one of those "turn a phone number into words" sites, & then browse the resulting list of potential words.

      Instead of "Bob_8675309", you might get something like "Bob FrillyKnickers" to use.

      Such sites are also fun ways to generate long strings of numbers from being fed words, which can then be used to annoy folks not privy to the scheme.

      Want to send an "encoded" message in open view over the internet? Compose it, run it through the word>numbers routine, & paste the resulting numerical gibberish into a post.

      If you & the intended target know which number>words site to use, and which of the "decodings" you meant (a number included somewhere in the non-encoded-part of the bigger message), then you can toss back "encoded" messages until the TLA spooks' heads explode trying to figure out WTF you might be talking about.

      Why yes, I *am* a creatively devious little shit, why do you ask? =-D.

    3. Robert Carnegie Silver badge

      Re: name generation technique

      While I expect that isn't the actual user name, one like it could be suspected immediately of being an automatically named account created to send spam.

      Another condition may be to use a real e-mail account to set it up and to confirm it, and one with another decent user name and not on a disreputable web site. I've for instance met services that don't talk to a Yahoo! e-mail address. And they maybe don't tell you that. It just lets you set it up and it doesn't work.

    4. John Brown (no body) Silver badge

      Re: name generation technique

      Although it was rather clever of the cat to manage to hit only the number keys :-)

  12. Warm Braw Silver badge

    She needs to have an active social media presence

    These days, so brand-consultants* tell me, you need multiple active social media accounts: face-tic, twitgram, instaToc-H, spacereunited and so forth to cover the main demographics and an IRC channel for the vinyl enthusiasts. All of which expect to gorge constantly upon fresh new compelling content, which means you have to get a cat as well, or spend a fortune on stock photos.

    Printing a few leaflets and shoving them through local doors is a doddle by comparison. And likely rather more effective.

    *Sheila and George from my formerly-local coffee shop,

    1. Barry Rueger

      Re: She needs to have an active social media presence

      All of which expect to gorge constantly upon fresh new compelling content, which means you have to get a cat as well, or spend a fortune on stock photos.

      Bravo sir. You have completed The Internet.

    2. bombastic bob Silver badge
      Pint

      Re: She needs to have an active social media presence

      Beer, sir!

    3. Doctor Syntax Silver badge

      Re: She needs to have an active social media presence

      "And likely rather more effective."

      Likely more effective at what? You need to know the recipient's attitude to having litter poked through their letterbox.

      1. Doctor Syntax Silver badge

        Re: She needs to have an active social media presence

        I wonder if the downvote is from one of our local estate agents who things everyone should sell their house and hasn't realised that (a) I don't want to and (b) if I did they've just ensured that they're the last of our many local alternatives that I'd give the job to.

        1. ThatOne Silver badge
          Flame

          Re: She needs to have an active social media presence

          > our local estate agents who things everyone should sell

          That's apparently a worldwide problem (since you don't live anywhere near me), akin to hapless marketing droids spamming you blind in the hope to trigger a sudden affection for whatever they're trying to peddle.

          Real estate vultures don't only clutter my letterbox, they also attempt to call me every now and then, and despite everything failing, eventually stand in front of my door with the feeble excuse that they had announced their visit in one of their leaflets. I usually let them stand there till they get tired and try my neighbor. (That doesn't prevent them from trying again half a year later BTW.)

    4. John Brown (no body) Silver badge

      Re: She needs to have an active social media presence

      "Printing a few leaflets and shoving them through local doors is a doddle by comparison. And likely rather more effective."

      On the other, people get so much junk mail these days, the vast majority almost certainly goes direct from the letterbox to the recycling bin.

  13. This post has been deleted by its author

  14. herman Silver badge
    Angel

    "Social media is a time-wasting pit of crazies, pornographers, criminals, and perpetually angry nobodies flinging insults at each other" - Sounds like politicians.

  15. Kubla Cant Silver badge

    Who'd have thought there were so many Dabbses?

    The reason username DABBS354168 is already taken probably isn't the ungovernable procreativity of the Dabbs clan. More likely one Dabbs whose account has been suspended 354,167 times.

    1. Ken Hagan Gold badge

      Re: Who'd have thought there were so many Dabbses?

      ...and they STILL haven't twigged that the site has "dabb" on its list of delinquent euphemisms and so it is the handle itself that is being banned, not the (non-existent) content.

      (Exercise for the reader: think of something rude that might be called a dabb in whatever part of the world the website is based.)

  16. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    You must have a tiny micropenis in order to be able to urinate into a cola bottle, no?

    1. Splurg The Barbarian

      Not if you have a good aim and a strong stream!

      1. bombastic bob Silver badge
        Trollface

        a) wide mouth soda bottles (like the kind you find at roadside convenience stores)

        b) a funnel

        either one of which can improve your chances of success

        (cat and coffee and spit-take alert)

        When I was in the Navy, on one of those long lonely duty section mid-watches while in port (requiring gallons of coffee and a huge bladder) we would occasionally use a 1 liter chemical sample bottle for this purpose. The idea of course was to DUMP IT AND RINSE IT when your watch relief showed up after you turn the responsibility over and can leave the space to properly relieve yourself, Under the desk where it was kept was ANOTHER bottle, very similar, containing a disinfectant for use with emergency air breathing masks (used often in drills for fires etc. or actual casualties). One particular individual, "that guy", forgot to dump it and the Engineer Dept. head grabbed the pee bottle instead of the disinfectant after supervising a re-qualification drill the next day. Yes, he was PISSED.

        1. TRT Silver badge

          I once got a wide mouth soda bottle stuck on my face. I made the mistake of covering the whole of the hole and as the liquid dropped out and down my throat it created a vacuum which sucked my lips into the neck. It took my mother about four minutes to get a finger down the side and break the seal, by which time I had begun bruising.

          1. stiine Silver badge

            Do you know why she didn't just poke you in the ribs which would have caused you to exhale?

            1. TRT Silver badge

              Because it had turned me into Jamie Oliver! My tongue was in there too. The exhalation just came out through my nose. If I tried to push the breath out of my mouth it just blew my cheeks up!

              I've only ever used those bottles since by pouring the contents into a glass.

              1. TRT Silver badge

                And if you're having difficulty imagining the kind of facial contortion which could result during such an incident... think "Michael Gove".

              2. Martin an gof Silver badge

                Any thin, sharp object - hole in the plastic as far away from flesh as possible. These bottles are pretty thin and it's not a difficult operation.

                Just one of the many reasons I have carried a Swiss Army knife more-or-less constantly since I was about 15 years old.

                M.

                1. TRT Silver badge

                  Plastic? This was years ago. It was made of glass.

                  1. Martin an gof Silver badge
                    Meh

                    Ok, I sympathise, but I honestly don't remember any wide-mouth glass bottles. Wide mouths seemed to come in with the plastic ones in my memory.

                    Reminds me of the time a cousin called in a panic. Stupid dog had stuck its head in a vase and couldn't get it out and was now beginning to show signs of keeling over, after running around aimlessley for a while.

                    Had to (gently) break that earthenware vase, dog bounced away as if nothing had happened.

                    M.

                    1. A.P. Veening Silver badge

                      Ok, I sympathise, but I honestly don't remember any wide-mouth glass bottles. Wide mouths seemed to come in with the plastic ones in my memory.

                      From my youth I still remember glass milk (and other liquid dairy products) bottles having a wide mouth, but that is about 50 years ago.

                      1. Martin an gof Silver badge

                        Maybe we need a survey :-)

                        Glass milk bottles (in the UK at any rate) have long had wider mouths than traditional glass soft drink bottles*, but I don't think they're as wide as the modern plastic wide mouth. I'd get the ruler out but I'm not near any bottles at the moment. We still get our milk in glass bottles, though these are the "new" squat design from the early 1980s (late '70s?) rather than the taller design from earlier. I'm fairly sure the two designs - and the 1/3rd pt bottle we had in primary school - had the same size mouth, which would have made adapting bottling machinery easier.

                        M.

                        *except for sterilised milk, which had narrow mouths capped with a bottle top (like a bottle of beer) rather than foil

                        1. TRT Silver badge

                          Steri in crown caps. Fond memories.

                          The third pint school milks that Thatchier the Snatcher did away with (though it was a policy dictated by Wilson shortly before). LEAs funded it out of their own pockets for a few years. I used to build structures out of bottle caps and straws.

                    2. TRT Silver badge

                      It was a fruit drink I think like Oasis but not that. About 1980 or 1981.

          2. captain veg Silver badge

            that sucks

            One year, during school summer holidays, the bored-teenager me, in the spirit of scientific enquiry, natch, decided to see what would happen if he applied the hose of a running vacuum cleaner to his mouth and opened up his epiglotis.

            Unsurprisingly, what resulted was instantaneous lung-evacuation followed swiftly by oh-my-god-i'm-going-to-die-right-now panic and desperate attempts to pull the nozzle off lips.

            Then it occurred to me to switch the thing off.

            -A.

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      I see plenty of cola bottles full of amber fluid discarded alongside main roads and motorways, perhaps micropenis is a common characteristic of truck-drivers.

  17. Plest Silver badge
    Facepalm

    Social media, the least social thing ever invented by the human race!

    "Social media is a time-wasting pit of crazies, pornographers, criminals, and perpetually angry nobodies flinging insults at each other," she replied.

    Add to that the aspiritional lifestyle wankers shilling for 50 corps trying to get our cash for their absolute shite products coming via "Tat Express(tm)" from China into Folkstone every day, you've nailed it!

    --

    Standing the foreshore at Folkstone one day a local bloke walked up, saw me watching the container ships...( assume strong Suffolk accent ) "Hmmm, another boat load of plastic shit from China being unloaded in the docks!"

    1. Handel was a crank

      Re: Social media, the least social thing ever invented by the human race!

      Why would we assume a Suffolk accent when you were in Kent?

      1. TRT Silver badge

        Re: Social media, the least social thing ever invented by the human race!

        What? People from Suffolk can't take a walk in Kent?

        Well, OK, there ARE occasions in recent history where questions might have been asked... but he could be from Suffolk and just happened to live within 5 miles of Folkstone and was taking some exercise. The OP did say 'local'.

        1. captain veg Silver badge

          Re: Social media, the least social thing ever invented by the human race!

          > People from Suffolk can't take a walk in Kent?

          That's what they voted for. Taking back control.

          -A.

    2. WoobieVonFruitbat

      Re: Social media, the least social thing ever invented by the human race!

      Umm - container ships don't dock at Folkestone.

      No ships dock at Folkestone except BorderFarce(TM) cutters & fishing boats.

      Did you mean Felixstowe?

      1. Norman Nescio Silver badge
        Thumb Up

        Re: Social media, the least social thing ever invented by the human race!

        Given that Felixstowe is in Suffolk, you could well be right.

  18. RichardBarrell

    > the social media power-user convention of pissing in empty cola bottles under the desk rather than step away from the screen for two seconds

    You amateur. What do you think all the mobile apps are for? You're supposed to tweet one-handed from wherever you are, whatever you're doing, while you use the other hand to go about your daily life. If you can also pull off the thing chameleons do, where one eye is on the phone screen and the other eye is pointing elsewhere to deal with other issues, then all the better.

    1. TRT Silver badge

      Have you ever met Jim Gregory? He was the only person I knew who could be talking to you square in the eye, and at the same time be using his other eye to watch the shelves of Spectrum cassettes for shoplifters.

      1. TRT Silver badge

        For clarification. Not a great photo of Jim. I wonder what happened to him?

  19. Potemkine! Silver badge

    Mme D does not do social media. Never has; never will.

    Mr. Dabbs married a very, very wise lady.

    hoorah for those tens of thousands of banned accounts!

    What about this video to illustrate this utterly brilliant chronicle?

  20. Andy Non Silver badge

    I got banned from Gmail

    All I did was create a Gmail account then set up POP3 to download emails to my PC and voila, I got a message saying my account had been blocked due to suspicious activity, all within half an hour of creating it. Didn't bother trying to create another Gmail account if they can get rid of them so easily.

    1. Doctor Syntax Silver badge

      Re: I got banned from Gmail

      Get rid of accounts? They can get rid of entire services that easily.

    2. rajp

      Re: I got banned from Gmail

      It's a common dark business pattern to prevent you backing up your data and moving elsewhere.

  21. Munchausen's proxy
    Mushroom

    External help may be required

    I wonder if the BOFH takes on consulting jobs?

  22. Franco Silver badge

    "Social media is a time-wasting pit of crazies, pornographers, criminals, and perpetually angry nobodies flinging insults at each other,"

    I would very much like Mme Dabbs to write the occasional guest column.

    1. Norman Nescio Silver badge
      Joke

      "Quoi!? Es-tu completement fou?"

      I would very much like Mme Dabbs to write the occasional guest column.

      The downvote is obviously from Dabbsy, concerned for his position.

  23. Gene Cash Silver badge
    Unhappy

    Unfortunately, twitter has its uses

    It seems these days you're ignored, unless you publicly shame them on twitter. Only then do you get any movement on your issue.

    1. Fruit and Nutcase Silver badge

      Re: Unfortunately, twitter has its uses

      And so would say the couple mentioned in this article - though it would appear it was the "voice notes" feature that was the feature that did it...

      https://www.theguardian.com/technology/2022/jan/29/my-friend-met-his-wife-on-twitter-if-it-wasnt-for-voice-notes-they-might-never-have-clicked

  24. captain veg Silver badge

    I have never had the slightest interest in so-called "social" media, but I do work for an advertising company. This means that I have to interact with their advertising APIs. Both Google (youtube) and Facebook (er, facebook) require that you have an account on their platform to use their API.

    Well, OK. Here's a role email account.

    But no! Only real people may have an account. What's your mobile phone number?

    Clearly, none of your business. We managed to find a colleague with a corporate mobile who was willing to share the number with $the_devil. It then demanded some form of photo ID. We passed this up the management chain to California, where they find this kind of thing normal. A boss supplied a scan of his driving license [sic].

    We, that is my employers, are a client. And yet, since they *pay* us to recommend their services to advertisers (illegally, in my view), are clearly also a supplier. And yet we're still a source of tradeable personal data.

    Wankers.

    -A.

    1. Doctor Syntax Silver badge

      "What's your mobile phone number?"

      The phone number of someone you really detest.

      "some form of photo ID"

      A little exercise with some graphics S/W should provide one that really Zucks.

      I thought advertising people were supposed to be creative.

      1. captain veg Silver badge

        > The phone number of someone you really detest.

        If you don't use the account for more than about 5 microseconds, or if you try to access it from a hitherto unknown (to them) device, it locks out and sends an unlock code to the mobile.

        > I thought advertising people were supposed to be creative.

        Maybe they are. I'm a software developer.

        -A.

    2. John Brown (no body) Silver badge

      "It then demanded some form of photo ID."

      That seems to be a case of "being seen to be doing something" because it's cheap, easy, supplies more data than is comfortable while at the same time blocking significant portions of the world from their services. Lots of people don't have photo ID of any kind. I'm not paying to "upgrade" my driving licence on a 10 year repeated renewal program when the paper one I have is legal until I turn 70, even if that does, on rare occasions, cause others some difficulty. I'm certainly not renewing my expired passport just to make other peoples lives easier!

      1. ThatOne Silver badge

        > while at the same time blocking significant portions of the world from their services

        You make it sound like this is some kind of fundamental human right those people are denied. Remember, their one and only goal is to monetize people, and obviously they don't care too much about those they can't properly monetize.

        1. John Brown (no body) Silver badge

          their one and only goal is to monetize people,"

          Exactly.

          "they don't care too much about those they can't properly monetize."

          Except, of course, they can monitise everyone, one way or another. If not right now, then soon.

          1. ThatOne Silver badge

            > Except, of course, they can monitise everyone, one way or another.

            And that's why I think they'd prefer the low-hanging fruit: No need to make efforts when there is already enough to harvest out there. Most people just beg you to take their whole lives and most secret dreams and resell them to whom you see fit.

            To go back to "social networks", they don't really need to care about the refuseniks as long as they have a big enough herd to fleece.

  25. Sub 20 Pilot

    Your good lady has summed up social media in one sentence and this is by far the most accurate summary that I have seen.

    The sad thing is that people feel they have to advertise on it which further reinforces it's pervasion into all aspects of life. I have an FB account which I probably look at once a week to see what friends are up to in other parts of the world.

    This worked well in the early days of FB but in the last few years you need to scroll past thousands of adverts for unrelated companies as 'something that may be of interest' , requests to 'like' advertising pages put up by people you know or otherwise and the fact that every company can fob you off with a complaints department which consists entirely of a fucking twitter or FB page and their only reactive response is to delete anything that makes them look shite(ier) if that is at all possible. All utilities, airlines and major companies in the UK seem to do this.

    If the whole lot died tomorrow along with the anti social fuckwits who promote it all it would make the world a nicer place. Whoever thinks that influencers are a good thing should be spurned as the pointless waste of the oxygen that they must inevitably be.

    Have a good weekend Sir, your weekly column is one of the things that keep me sane.

  26. Adelio Silver badge

    Social Media?

    I love your column,

    Social media......

    I do have a twitter account, had to set it up about 6 or 7 years ago to get support for some software. Never used it since, do not know what user/password i logged in with.

    I use WhatsApp to talk to my sons, nothing else. i.e. i have used it about a dozen times in all.

    I do have a facebook account, again no idea of the user or password, have not used it in at least 5 years, cannot see the point.

    1. Doctor Syntax Silver badge

      Re: Social Media?

      "had to set it up about 6 or 7 years ago to get support for some software"

      I'd have reviewed the market for that category of software.

    2. Bacon & Eggs

      Re: Social Media?

      But you are still happily followed thru your online life, don`t bother login again as they already know all what is needed to monerize your activities. Unfortunately they are able to do that even you have not created account in first place, shadow accounts for all us bleps not seen light yet...

  27. Fruit and Nutcase Silver badge

    Mme D

    Who'd have thought there were so many Dabbses?

    Surely there is only one Mme D? Take up a cyber-squatting/impersonation case against any interlopers - We all know who Mme D is

  28. mark l 2 Silver badge

    From my experience of social media if you don't provide a phone number when signing up for an account, then after a few days/weeks they will lock your account due to 'suspicious activity' and the only way to get your account unlocked is to provide a mobile number for them to verify it.

    The whole suspicious activity is obviously a complete lie and just a way for them to force you to provide them with a mobile number they can then use to track you better or you loose access to the account.

  29. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    eBay sellers can be similar. Post a neutral or negative review of the product they sold you so that others are warned. Accept their apologies - decline a refund - modify the comment to be more positive because they were apparently helpful. Next time you find they have blocked you. Their statistics look good - until you see how many user comment retractions there have been - presumably also blocked after giving a positive revision.

  30. 's water music
    Happy

    Commentards and teh socials

    been away for a while (working on the 'rigs). Good to see that commentards who don't do social media are still as much fun as yorkies, vegans, or middle class wankers who don't own a telly

    1. captain veg Silver badge

      Re: Commentards and teh socials

      I'll have you know that I own several tellies.

      -A.

  31. jonfr

    Social media is not effective for marketing of anything

    After having dealing with social media for my website (about earthquakes and volcano activity in Iceland). I've come to conclusion that social media platform of any type is not effective in advertising anything of any type for any reason. Its easier just to get an advertisement in the local paper and use that. Its also more effective anyway for any business to do that then to use internet advertisement on social media.

    Social media is the most over-hyped and good stuff turned bad that has existed in modern world so far. The idea is good in theory but it doesn't properly account for human nature and that is going to remain its failure. Time of social media is going to end, because of nature of the human race and how things are possibly going to develop in the future.

  32. tonique

    A guess

    >DABBS_9571684884194295615498

    Perhaps a long string of numbers looks like a stereotypical spammer account...

    Then there's "88" in that string. Eigth letter of the alphabet is "H". In Neo-Nazi communications, "88" stands for "Heil Hitler".

    1. Fruit and Nutcase Silver badge

      Re: A guess

      hmm - a work account I've had the had the numeric sequence 1288

      what comes to mind is Achtung Bitte...

  33. chivo243 Silver badge
    Thumb Up

    Hats off for the reference

    I bet Mike Watt is loving that reference... Piss Bottle Man!

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VKUecuzZOCk

  34. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    GDPR should apply

    I'm pretty sure that you can reject automated data processing under GDPR, just like you could under DPA 1998. Shouting that at Herpes chat bit was the only way I could get an answer from an alleged human about why my parcel was left on my step, on a house with no garden. So it was basically left out on the street.

    How do you get the unsocial media firms to follow the law and accept refusal to process data algorithmically? Any ideas?

  35. rajp

    Applys to Parking a Car in 2022

    First experience with RingGo. Download app - (no internet). Call instead.

    Called. After waiting messages: "Sorry, your account is suspended". (New car, new mobile number, new bank details).

    Why no tap to pay?

    Coins were brilliant. People could even exchange them at the meter.

  36. David 18

    Possibly the name itself

    Maybe the two 8s next to each other triggered an overzealous algorithm?...

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