back to article 'Can you identify your assailants?' Yes, they were pixelated! I'd know them anywhere!

Stop that uterus! It stole my wallet! What do you mean, "Can you identify the uterus in question?" It looked like a uterus! Or, as we've been singing it all through Christmas, a wooooom*. Talk about getting the new year off to a bad start – I've just been robbed by a delinquent reproductive organ. Yet the all signs were there …

  1. Chris G Silver badge

    "a team of plumbers, electricians, interior decorators, plasterers, architects, stone masons, ironmongers, seismologists, stage illusionists, tap dance instructors, steel drummers, and celtic swordsmen"

    What have carpenters ever done to you Mr Dabbs?

    No mention of a chippy and you will need one for repairs after the tap dance instructors have finished with the celtic swordsmen.

    My least favourite wallet forgetting moment was leaving it in pair of jeans that, by the time I remembered where I last had said wallet, had been swirling around in the washing machine for 30 minutes.

    1. Loyal Commenter Silver badge

      Once, many years ago, I put a shirt through the wash that had my work's building access card still in the top pocket, which was one of the old-school credit-card type ones with a magnetic stripe.

      Fortunately, the card still worked afterwards. Unfortunately, the edge of the card sliced through the door seal of the washing machine and flooded the kitchen; thankfully replacement door seals aren't expensive...

      1. Martin-73 Silver badge

        sigh... i still have a replacement seal for our machine. not fitted it yet, as i rotated the seal through 90 degrees to put the small tear at the top of the door. it's been 100% effective, aside from the drain holes no longer being at the bottom so some water gets trapped there.

        Seal was less than 20 quid, but ugh, it requires 2 hrs to strip the machine almost entirely to pieces to get the inner spring off and on!

  2. Potemkine! Silver badge
    Facepalm

    Deeper and deeper.

    Stop that uterus! It stole my wallet!

    Once, one stole my watch.

    1. Erix

      Re: Deeper and deeper.

      That one must have been a snatch!

      1. gerdesj Silver badge

        Re: Deeper and deeper.

        Tut: Delivery. When you go in with a killer play on words like that, keep it simple. Dispense with everything else:

        A snatch

        The only sop to grammar is the capital A. No punctuation and no fluff!

    2. zuckzuckgo Bronze badge

      Re: Deeper and deeper.

      Try explaining that one to the missus.

      1. Falmari Silver badge

        Re: Deeper and deeper.

        To which she replied 10:30 PM

  3. Pascal Monett Silver badge

    WHAT !?!

    The Mozartkügel is no more ?

    That's it, life is no longer worth living. Unless . . somebody picks up the recipe and starts anew (no, not you, Nestlé, nor Mars, Hershey's or Ferrero).

    We need an icon that represents pure, abject terror. I'm sure there's some of painting that could do.

    1. big_D Silver badge

      Re: WHAT !?!

      The hand made ones from the original founding company, Konditorei Fürst, in Salzburg still sell them. Expensive though, as they are still made from the original recipe by hand.

      Looking on DuckDuckGo, many places in Germany are still selling the mass-produced ones as well.

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: WHAT !?!

      They were my mother's favourite chocolate, always on the wish list when someone was travelling and a given for Christmas. She passed away almost two years ago now. I'm not saying there's a connection, but...

      (Anon since I'm not really proud of using my mother's passing for comedic purposes; though I have a feeling she might have appreciated it. Miss you!)

  4. b0llchit Silver badge
    Pint

    Age makes one ...

    "By the way," she calls, "you left your wallet on the kitchen table so I locked it in the filing cabinet."

    They say you get (more) wise with age. But when Mme D has to remind you of your stuff's whereabouts, then you may want to analyze the MRI of your brain, not Mme D's uterus. However, the revealing nature of MRIs can be intimidating and might give the impression you are going to die. Hell, better be prepared. In a hundred years you will be a goner.

    1. Anonymous Custard Silver badge
      Trollface

      Re: Age makes one ...

      Hell, better be prepared. In a hundred years you will be a goner.

      Speak for yourself.

      Personally I plan to live forever. So far, so good...

      1. b0llchit Silver badge
        Thumb Up

        Re: Age makes one ...

        So far, so good...

        Famous last words... ;-)

  5. Warm Braw Silver badge

    Tap dance instructors, steel drummers, and celtic swordsmen

    Nice of them to drop in to recreate the authentic sound of French plumbing while you were temporarily sans chiotte.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Tap dance instructors, steel drummers, and celtic swordsmen

      What no telephone sanitary engineers?

      1. Stoneshop Silver badge
        Thumb Up

        Re: Tap dance instructors, steel drummers, and celtic swordsmen

        What no telephone sanitary engineers?

        They're on a long trip in interstellar space, as are a number of public relations managers and management consultants.

        Unfortunately however, there are still quite a lot down here, waiting for the B Ark Mark 2 with its greatly enhanced carrying capacity.

  6. Dr_N Silver badge

    Look on the bright side Mr Dabbs...

    ... At least your toilet is now fixed, eh? Non?

    And you've a nice CD/DVD to add to your home movie collection. Maybe you can put it in a display cabinet?Along with any framed Xray images you've been given by French medical imaging professionals over the years.

    (The ones I got of my foot came in a fetching commemorative folder with a lovely colour image of a local tourist view on the front.)

    1. Stoneshop Silver badge

      Re: Look on the bright side Mr Dabbs...

      (The ones I got of my foot came in a fetching commemorative folder with a lovely colour image of a local tourist view on the front.)

      Which reminds me that I still have to get hold of the piccies of my brain taken some eight years ago.

      1. Loyal Commenter Silver badge

        Re: Look on the bright side Mr Dabbs...

        I had a couple of mouse mats made up with the X-rays of my dislocated shoulder when I had a bike accident some years ago...

  7. F. Frederick Skitty

    When I saw the subheading and knowing Dabbsy's usual genre choices, I assumed the music video would be Simple Minds' "Thirty Frames A Second". The Animals are a very acceptable alternative though!

    1. Alistair Dabbs Silver badge

      >> The Animals are a very acceptable alternative though

      It was either that or Odyssey.

  8. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    On the plus side..

    For those who like irony, I can report they still sell Maltesers en route to Malta.

    No, really, seriously. I'm certain that 50% of their sales really go to people who don't even like Maltesers but just buy them for irony value.

    Like me :).

    Have a wonderful weekend.

  9. big_D Silver badge

    Gruesome...

    I had the gruesome "pleasure" of receiving the MRI CD of my scan a year ago. I can look at the wear-and-tear, and the missing discs in my back! :-(

    At least I now know why my back hurts, I can even point to the pictures on the wall when somebody asks me how I'm doing!

  10. Kubla Cant Silver badge

    invention that claims to be able to mix any of 300 cocktails in half a minute

    Remarkable.

    My experience of making cocktails is that for any given recipe you will lack at least one ingredient. Granted, this is true of recipes in general, but in the case of cocktails most missing ingredients require an outlay in excess of twenty quid. That's a lot for a bottle that will linger at the back of a cupboard* for the next five years, occasionally being sampled when there's nothing left in the house.

    *cocktail cabinet, for the retro-posh

    1. Stoneshop Silver badge

      occasionally being sampled when there's nothing left in the house.

      AASLEAGH (n.)

      A liqueur made only for drinking at the end of a revoltingly long bottle party when all the drinkable drink has been drunk.

      1. F. Frederick Skitty

        Re: occasionally being sampled when there's nothing left in the house.

        Or the inevitable bottle of cheap white wine (Blue Nun or Black Tower usually), that no one will drink until desperation sets in.

        1. John Brown (no body) Silver badge

          Re: occasionally being sampled when there's nothing left in the house.

          Just make sure you have a granny at the party. Grannies will make a bee line for the Blue Nun or Black Tower every time! It's the only way to be sure it's all gone by the end of the night.

        2. Anonymous Coward
          Anonymous Coward

          Re: occasionally being sampled when there's nothing left in the house.

          At the radio club BYOB Xmas party one person always brought a bottle of his home-made vegetable wine. During the evening he only drank the spirits brought by other people.

      2. Andy the ex-Brit

        Re: occasionally being sampled when there's nothing left in the house.

        When that's all gone, it's on to the Malört.

        1. Kubla Cant Silver badge

          Re: occasionally being sampled when there's nothing left in the house.

          My worst recollections are:

          • A Swiss drink called Enzian (gentian). Maybe I was sold a bottle of antiseptic - it certainly tasted like it.
          • An apéritif called Suze. Used to be advertised on the side of French barns, and tasted like it might have been produced by the occupants thereof. Guaranteed to remove your appetite.
          • Parfait Amour, a purple liqueur of such cloying sweetness that I swear you could feel it eating its way round your fillings.

          1. MrBanana Silver badge

            Re: occasionally being sampled when there's nothing left in the house.

            The killer for me was choc-mint liqueur. The only way to save everyone else was to drink it all myself - not a pretty sight in the morning. Also avoid anything that is in an overly fancy bottle. If you are offered any kind of drink from a glass bottle shaped like a galleon under full sail, a grinning skull, or an AK47, then you should only use the contents for stripping paint.

            1. Anonymous Coward
              Anonymous Coward

              Re: occasionally being sampled when there's nothing left in the house.

              "[...] then you should only use the contents for stripping paint."

              That reminds me of the bottle of Poire Williams brought back from Luxembourg. The USP was they put the bottles on the tree and let a pear grow inside. Possibly I should have bought the more expensive version.

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      "My experience of making cocktails is that for any given recipe you will lack at least one ingredient"

      There's a cell phone app that will take a list of liquor, mixes, etc. and produce cocktail suggestions that can be created with the supplies at hand.

      I don't have that app, I drink beer, wine, or whiskey. Keeps things simple.

  11. xeroks
    Pint

    7UP as a mixer

    I hadn't - until now for some reason - realised how appropriate 7UP might be as an ingredient for an orgy-themed cocktail.

    Anyone fancy a "Group Sex on the Beach"?

    1. John Brown (no body) Silver badge

      Re: 7UP as a mixer

      Be careful. If sand gets in it can ruin the experience.

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: 7UP as a mixer

        Two friends were quite experimental in their youth. Their verdicts were:

        Beach = abrasive sand gets everywhere

        Sea = no lubrication

        Cornfield = stalk stubble is like a fakir's bed

        Top deck of a bus = cramped

        On a small boat tthey had the cabin - which only had single side bunks. So they turned the mattresses sideways to bridge the gap - but then needed something to support the area over the aisle. A hefty plastic water container was just the right height. As it was only partly full it made some interesting noises with changing movements.

  12. Gene Cash Silver badge

    Phone, not the wallet

    I did some shopping, and put the results in the topbox on my bike.

    I used the flat top of the box to rest the phone while I tapped away at Google Maps to find the way to the next store.

    Once that was done, I hopped on and was riding away down the expressway at a good rate, when I did the usual patting of the pocket to make sure I had my phone.

    Which was empty.

    I was in the middle of a major coronary when I realized the phone was now clamped in the holder not 3 feet in front of my face.

    1. JassMan Silver badge

      Re: Phone, not the wallet

      I was in the middle of a major coronary when I realized the phone was now clamped in the holder not 3 feet in front of my face.

      Its called "getting old". I regularly check all 6 pockets on my jacket, as I am going out, to find my phone. Only to then find it in my back pocket where I NEVER put it because I know that is the guaranteed way to make a working smartphone into an unworking foldable phone.

  13. Raithmir

    Not the Mozartkugeln!!

    I have fond memories of that during my time in Salzburg. I need a drink.

  14. Social Ambulator

    MRI/CT

    I was in a French hospital recently for a CT scan following an encounter with an imperfection on one of their ski slopes. Didn’t give me a CD, but a link to an online portal where you can view it every which way. Offered the link to my GP when I got home, but she confessed she wouldn’t be able to make head nor tail of it. Seems a waste — perhaps I should sell tickets.

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