back to article BOFH: What a beautiful classic car. Shame if anything were to happen to it

BOFH logo telephone with devil's horns There's been a fire. "Not in the building?!" I gasp at the Boss' smoke-tanned face. "Just outside the building," he says. "I thought you said you'd been IN a fire," the PFY says. "Yes, a fire – IN MY CAR." "Ah, I see. Well, the electrics in 'classic' cars are notoriously unreliable …

  1. Coastal cutie
    Thumb Up

    Ever alert

    "The Boss provides the information, which will no doubt be used in the future by his insurance company to verify who'd purchased the primer cord and timer." Nice piece of forward thinking

    1. Michael H.F. Wilkinson
      Coffee/keyboard

      Re: Ever alert

      Absolutely lovely detail. True craftsmanship!

    2. This post has been deleted by its author

      1. Doctor Syntax Silver badge

        Re: Ever alert

        those videos have to be "accidentally" deleted

        Have to be? Oh, ye of little faith. Have been.

        1. nil0

          Re: Ever alert

          he will have to get blackmail on everyone

          Will have to? Oh, ye of little faith. Has.

        2. Charlie Clark Silver badge

          Re: Ever alert

          Security cameras in the lair? You've got to be joking!

          1. John Brown (no body) Silver badge

            Re: Ever alert

            Of course they have security cameras in the lair. The official ones mysteriously never seem to work. The unofficial ones, however...

            1. Shalghar Bronze badge

              Re: Ever alert

              Double Sneaky Points (DSP) bonus if you hide the unofficial cameras within the official ones.

      2. Anonymous Coward Silver badge
        Boffin

        Re: Ever alert

        "Half the office"??? Don't you realise that mission control is a 2-person office with one-way mirror windows overlooking the next office?

      3. John G Imrie

        Re: Ever alert

        Not at all. The BOFH was filming a video on hoe easy it was to get personal info from an employer.

  2. Hot Diggity

    Deranged

    The photo's all distorted!" the Boss says. "I look deranged."

    No. That will be in about 15 minutes time with no distortion necessary.

    1. lglethal Silver badge

      Re: Deranged

      "The photo's all distorted!" the Boss says. "I look deranged.""

      Is it actually possible to have a Company ID where you don't look deranged?

      1. Giles C Silver badge

        Re: Deranged

        Judging by the various IDs I have been issued over the years the answer to that would be no.

        I don’t think there has been one where I am sure if the picture is me. The driving license one is a bit out of date now but it was one of the better ones.

        1. Hull
          Trollface

          Re: Deranged

          I won't be the one to tell you that this is the way you look. Seems unsafe.

        2. MisterHappy

          Re: Deranged

          The old joke was that spotting forged passports was easy, if the photo actually looked like you it must be a forgery. Real passport photos always look like you have just finished a 5-10yr stretch.

          1. This post has been deleted by its author

          2. Shalghar Bronze badge

            Re: Deranged

            Much more so with the regulations on biometrically compatible photos. I really cannot get rid of the impression that this silly "look at this spot" mark in the photo booth is either not in the correct place or they forgot to tell you at what height your head shold be to look at the aforementioned spot without tilting your face to absurd angles.

            I had the questionable luck that i needed to sit in a booth with a steel chair for one certain company. Unable to adjust the height, the outcome looked very much like one of those 1980 cheap movie villains, only lacking the red flashlight from down below....

      2. Ken G Bronze badge
        Headmaster

        Re: Deranged

        While you're stressed about remembering the names of everyone in your new job, we'll just send you into the minimum wage security guard who's been given a 15 year old digital camera but don't take more than 5 min because we have to introduce you to your new manager before he runs off for a meeting.

      3. TeeCee Gold badge

        Re: Deranged

        Yes it is. If your company has gone all modern and prints directly onto the badges, rather than laminating the photo on, it'll wear off quite quickly rather than depicting you as a weirdo in perpetuity.

        Rather amusingly, my faded, blotchy patch with the merest hint of colour got me into an RAF base having a security alert level of "Red" the other day. I'm not sure that a shiny new badge, depicting me as an insane suicide bomber, would have worked.

        1. iron Silver badge

          Re: Deranged

          If it wears off they used the wrong ribbon in the badge printer.

          1. Shalghar Bronze badge

            Re: Deranged

            Just take look at how long anything printed with any inkjet is supposed to last, then put such prints somewhere sunny, like in the front of the car where it is supposed to multitask as parking slot ID.

            Its a bit like those thermal paper receipts, although with some "pigment" inks the fading out seems to take a bit longer.

            Well at least you will not need any expiration date on such kind of ID cards.

        2. Pascal Monett Silver badge
          Trollface

          Depends. Do you have a beard ?

      4. KBeee Silver badge
        Happy

        Re: Deranged

        As the saying goes -

        "If you look anything like your passport photo, you're too sick to travel"

      5. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: Deranged

        Somewhere I Do have a beautiful portrait picture used in an ID pass. It was taken by a Police photographer.

        I'd missed the bulk photographing session where everyone got a 'snapped' photograph for our new photo-id so had to visit Police HQ for a 1-1 session. Believe me I do wish he had said 'don't look at that wall' before i turned my head.

        It turns out he had 2 roles, 'snapping' Photo ID's and taking Scene of Crime photos' guess which were pinned to the wall.

        He was also a frustrated artist and spend 15 minutes getting the most attractive picture he could of me. It was almost worth the quick glimpse of gore I was exposed to.

  3. Antonius_Prime
    Devil

    Yay! New BOFH! I needed that!

    Started off a bit samey (2 forms of ID thing) but Simon nearly had us in the first half!

    Absolutely excellent episode!

  4. b0llchit Silver badge
    Pint

    Future party

    He gave his credit card info! Yes!

  5. Michael H.F. Wilkinson
    Pint

    I needed that

    That was the perfect birthday gift

    1. cookieMonster
      Pint

      Re: I needed that

      Happy birthday, here’s a pint and take the day off. Tell the boss I said it was ok!!

      1. Joe W Silver badge
        Pint

        Re: I needed that

        I should do that as well... to attend... yeah, a formal gathering of... experts in .... uh - look, I'll fill in the details later in case anybody asks.

        ---> have one!

        (I'll have one as well... the day has not been one of my better ones... make that a "Herrengedeck")

  6. wallyhall

    One rule for them, another for the rest of us

    I remember having shared responsibility for printing the passes at a previous job. Similarly, we had a very low-res and inappropriately wide-angled webcam for taking mugshots.

    Yet it never ceased to amaze me how anyone working for HR would manage to find a reason (with managerial sign-off) to have their photo updated to their latest favorite snapgrambookspace filtered-beyond-recognition selfie...

    1. Shalghar Bronze badge

      Re: One rule for them, another for the rest of us

      Sometimes you can punish annoying pests by giving them exactly what they desire.

      The main challenge is not to laugh, grin or otherwise warn them.

  7. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    There are two things that set up a good weekend

    One is a good BOFH story, and then there is the BBC Friday Comedy podcast in the evening.

    :)

    1. Prst. V.Jeltz Silver badge

      Re: There are two things that set up a good weekend

      They do comedy everyday! 18:30 - 19:00

      with mixed results

  8. chivo243 Silver badge
    Devil

    Oh, boy...

    Looks like the have enough info to launch a full scale attack on the boss' identity? Naw, they'd never be so bold... ?

    1. Charlie Clark Silver badge

      Re: Oh, boy...

      Blackmail is such an ugly word…

      1. Shalghar Bronze badge

        Re: Oh, boy...

        "Blackmail is such an ugly word…"

        ...and so is - by decree of those professionally and permanently offended unindividuals who are unable to stand normal language that has evolved over eons - blacklist, whitelist....

        It will be interesting what the word "blackmail" will be force evolved to. "Denymail" or "allowmail" does not really allow a precise interpretation.

  9. steelpillow Silver badge
    Childcatcher

    Fond memories

    My Dad had a Morris Oxford. How we laughed and jeered from the back seats when he burned an Austin Cambridge off at the lights! How adroitly he changed the subject when the other driver was quicker off the mark!

    1. Neil Barnes Silver badge

      Re: Fond memories

      My dad had a Morris Oxford also. As a small child I recall being fascinated by the ox and ford logo on the steering wheel... and the delicate green stripes along the waistline, where my dad's inexpert yellow painting of the top half of the car dripped into the inexpert blue painting of the lower half...

      1. hoola Silver badge

        Re: Fond memories

        My Father had a Frogeye Sprite back in the days when he had just started work (I believe as an engineer for EMI when they used to actually make things). He was always bemoaning that he had sold it when it became impractical due to babies.

        Of course the reality at the time would have been that he had no option but to sell it......

        It is only year later when they became desirable classic cars.

        There was also a story about him and his brother loading a milling machine into an Austin 7 to take back to their Dad's garage. The spare engine for that car lived in the old air-raid shelter in the garden along with all sorts of other "useful" junk.

      2. Peter Ford

        Re: Fond memories

        My Dad had a Morris Oxford too - it was written off after a minor collision with a Mini caused it largely to disappear in a puff of iron oxide dust. The Mini was unscathed...

  10. Will Godfrey Silver badge
    Thumb Up

    All is right in the world

    Nevermind COVID and Russia, we have a delightful BOFH to relax with.

  11. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    I really need to find my two ID cards before returning to the Office , cant be going through all that rigmarole.

  12. Joe W Silver badge

    Classic cars...

    I read that as a classic electric car - or an electric classic car, and wondered. Though putting the innards of a Twizzy into a Caterham 7 kit...

    1. Dave Stevenson
      Go

      Re: Classic cars...

      Close with an electric Westfield back in 2010 - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OJmUv3P88O4

    2. GlenP Silver badge

      Re: Classic cars...

      There's quite a market for electrifying classic cars, in some cases (particularly Italian ones) it makes a huge difference in reliability!

      Using the right Tesla motor can also improve speed and acceleration.

    3. John Brown (no body) Silver badge

      Re: Classic cars...

      "classic electric car"

      For me, that phrase immediately brought up an image of late 1800's electric cars :-)

  13. RogerT

    Sheer Class

    The bit about the CCTV not showing his ID being burnt is brilliant. Sheer class.

    The best BOFH ever.

  14. fidget

    Hodge solution - that's big money

    A solution to the briefly mentioned https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hodge_conjecture is worth $1,000,000, as it's one of the https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Millennium_Prize_Problems (along with P versus NP and five others). Well done to the PFY for knowing this.

  15. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    No repercussions?

    No repercussions from the last episode? BOFH seems very forgiving of the PFY.

    1. ShortLegs

      Re: No repercussions?

      Because: revenge. Best served cold, and when least expected.

    2. Grikath

      Re: No repercussions?

      Not exactly forgiving... There's a constant Cold War between BOFH and PFY running in the background, it simply doesn't get featured as much as it used to in the past.

      And there's a certain amount of pragmatism involved.. If the PFY doesn't try to Unseat the BOFH in a pro-active career move, he is obviously unfit for duty and needs to...go... But training up a new PFY is troublesome and actual...work... It's a precarious balance..

      1. Michael Habel Silver badge

        Re: No repercussions?

        This is why two there always are. A Master, and an Aprentice.

  16. earl grey
    Devil

    "...quarter of an hour later..."

    speed demon

  17. swm Silver badge

    ID

    At the college where I taught HR required all sorts of identification even though I already worked there. I brought passport, SS card, university ID etc. and they couldn't find anything wrong.

    A few days I got a call from HR that I needed ID for some paperwork I had already processed. I pointed out that I had shown them all of these documents when I was there but they said, "but you didn't show it when we were processing the second set of paperwork." (Short time memory) (Why didn't they ask for it when I processed the second batch of paperwork?)

    When I changed job title from associate professor to lecturer, they wanted a police report even though the only murders had been committed by full professors.

    1. Ken Shabby
      Holmes

      Re: ID

      Was one of them named Plum by any chance?

  18. Bitsminer Bronze badge

    Restored and Burned....

    The car burns to a crisp, followed by:

    I have a friend who can restore it to a usable state."

    "Oh, you know someone with a compactor?" the PFY says.

    "He did the original restoration," the Boss says, ignoring the PFY.

    Some people never learn.

  19. FernTheConcentricGuy

    Jesus Built My Hotrod

    If the car spoke proper English like KIT, then it wouldn't be a car would it? It would be a sovereign player injecting into the exploding economy at its heart's content.

    1. Paul Kinsler Silver badge

      Re: Jesus Built My Hotrod

      I once had my radio alarm clock wake me up to that very track, although perhaps tuning it to 4ZZZ had always been a slightly rash decision, and especially given who was doing the show that morning. Thanks Mark! :-)

  20. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    >:-)

    REVENGE OF THE NERDS!!! BE NICE TO IT GUYS, OR ELSE!! >:-)

  21. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    I'm missing something.. How come this is episode 1? BOFH is a gazillion-year old favorite!

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      New year

      New bastard.

  22. Dave 15 Silver badge

    Austin Cambridge

    Lovely cars, would have had a dynamo though. Only ever had one car short-circuit and that was my own fault for having wired the radio in without having bolted it properly in place...

    Mind at least the Cambridge probably had negative earth making fitting radios easier than in my older less rusty positive earth Morris cars

  23. Joseba4242

    Proving ID

    My experience with Santander: Made online transaction a bit larger then normal (but to account I had previously sent to). Account blocked. Online unblocking needed details of recent transaction - there were none on this account. Went to branch. Passport was not enough to prove ID. Needed debit card which I couldn't find. Alternative was someone at branch who knows me to confirm ID. I don't know anyone at branch, doing 99% online.

    1.5h later, sorted. Sigh.

  24. T. F. M. Reader Silver badge

    "Sedated stuntman"

    Priceless...

  25. TomPhan

    Glasses on or off?

    We had one round of ID cards where anyone wearing glasses had to take them off because otherwise they'd reflect the flash from the camera. And the flash was needed because the room they were using to take the photos was too dark.

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