back to article Too busy feasting on meatballs, Windows struggles to update itself in IKEA

IKEA, furniture retailer and place where relationships go to die, features large in our final run of borks. It also appears unable to configure Windows, as demonstrated in this edition of The Register's 12 Borks of Christmas. Snapped by one-time Vulture Matt Hughes, who we know is more likely to be found rescuing some elderly …

  1. MiguelC Silver badge
    Flame

    "At least a candle doesn't need a software patch every few weeks."

    Of course someone thought of that

    What could ever go wrong with that...

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Facepalm

      Re: "At least a candle doesn't need a software patch every few weeks."

      Oh look, a ready-made arsonist's kit. How clever.

    2. Wally Dug
      Coat

      Re: "At least a candle doesn't need a software patch every few weeks."

      I see it uses Bluetooth to connect. Shame it doesn't use FireWire...

      1. Giles C Silver badge

        Re: "At least a candle doesn't need a software patch every few weeks."

        According to the kickstarter page it was abandoned in March 2020

        But 150 people were prepared to pay $49 for a candle they could light remotely.

        A cheap firefighter costs a few quid

        A box of matches costs a few pence.

        Why would you need this?

        1. Paul Crawford Silver badge

          Re: "At least a candle doesn't need a software patch every few weeks."

          Why would you need this?

          You wouldn't. Especially if you heed the fire services advice to never leave candles unsupervised, etc.

          But having a reason, not even a good reason, is no barrier to a pointless product.

        2. katrinab Silver badge

          Re: "At least a candle doesn't need a software patch every few weeks."

          People who do theatre special effects use this sort of thing, but I'm sure it has already been invented, and almost certainly featured on BigClive's YouTube channel.

        3. Outski Silver badge
          Flame

          Re: "At least a candle doesn't need a software patch every few weeks."

          Nothing ever burns down by itself, every fire needs a little bit of help

          ----->obv icon

        4. cyberdemon Silver badge
          Trollface

          Why would you need this?

          If you really need to make an insurance claim?

    3. eswan

      Re: "At least a candle doesn't need a software patch every few weeks."

      "They are, therefore, scented candles that are used to meditate, to do yoga, or simply to set a house."

      Seems they left a couple of words off the end of that sentence.

      1. hayzoos

        Re: "At least a candle doesn't need a software patch every few weeks."

        Hmm, scented candles. Remote ignition of a scented candle. Is the remote sensing of the aroma and included feature or is it an add-on option?

    4. Timbo

      Re: "At least a candle doesn't need a software patch every few weeks."

      What could ever go wrong?

      The linked website claims:

      "They are, therefore, scented candles that are used to meditate, to do yoga, or simply to set a house."

      set a house....what might that unfinished sentence be? alight? aflame? asunder?

      The mind boggles....

  2. Chris G Silver badge

    Sossij inna bun

    "whatever those hot dogs are made out of."

    Made from real unnamed meat.

    Hotdog sausages make doner meat much more appealing.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Sossij inna bun

      I bet antivaxxers still eat it, despite not knowing what its made from that they're "putting in their bodies"

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        @AC - Re: Sossij inna bun

        Yeah, but they're doing it by their own choice instead of a government mandate. There's a marked difference in my opinion between suicide and being executed.

        1. AndrueC Silver badge
          Happy

          Re: @AC - Sossij inna bun

          Ah yes, The Illusion of Control. Either as you say 'better suicide than execution' but could also be 'I can't control the virus but I can control the vaccination'.

          On a related note I think managers often suffer from this illusion. 'I can't control our sales but I can force my staff to come into the office'. From that article:

          Wyatt Mann hypothesized a basic competence motive that people satisfy by exerting control.

          And:

          Self-regulation theory offers another explanation. To the extent that people are driven by internal goals concerned with the exercise of control over their environment, they will seek to reassert control in conditions of chaos, uncertainty or stress. One way of coping with a lack of real control is to falsely attribute oneself control of the situation

      2. Must contain letters
        Facepalm

        Re: Sossij inna bun

        Well, they'd just say what they always trot out - they have done their own research...

    2. Exact Circus

      Re: Sossij inna bun

      You don't want to eat hotdogs raw, hotdogs are more appealing when they are done, the doner the better.

  3. spireite Silver badge
    Joke

    Always knew that Windows had a screw loose.

    Did you know that the software is backed by a local SQLServer database? I saw the MDFs once on the filesystem...

  4. Semtex451

    " but a pointing device there is none"

    Wot!?! its not a touch panel??!?!

    Um, was it tried?

    1. jake Silver badge

      Re: " but a pointing device there is none"

      Well, they put that black tape on it, so they must have touched it ... kinda makes me wonder if there is anybody at that store who knows anything at all about computers in general.

      Judging by my one interaction with Ikea employees I'd say probably not ...

  5. JassMan Silver badge
    Joke

    Nah. Its part of the advert

    They are trying to say that the chocolate is being being replaced with carob but because of all the transport problems at the ports, they can't import enough.

  6. Inventor of the Marmite Laser

    Good news, bad news.

    Good news:

    Last month Sweden elected the CEO of IKEA as its new president

    Bad news:

    He is still assembling his cabinet.

    1. CountCadaver

      Re: Good news, bad news.

      *GROAN*

    2. Chris G Silver badge

      Re: Good news, bad news.

      "He is still assembling his cabinet."

      And once it is assembled, the only way to make it stable will be to put it up against a wall.

      1. John Brown (no body) Silver badge

        Re: Good news, bad news.

        ..and kick any left over bits under the rug.

      2. BenDwire Silver badge
        Pint

        Re: Good news, bad news.

        An advert recently spotted in London:

        "Carpenters urgently required, cabinet falling apart. Apply to 10 Downing Street. No tools required as the building is full of them"

        Happy New Year, all --->

      3. jake Silver badge

        Re: Good news, bad news.

        Hopefully it won't demand a last smoke ... Hard to put one's house back into order after a fire.

  7. PeterM42
    Joke

    Have you heard....

    ....IKEA are merging with Tesco.

    If you buy a chicken, when you get it home, the legs fall off.

  8. This post has been deleted by its author

  9. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    IKEA hotdogs!

    Just no.

    The world has enough problems.

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