back to article Microsoft Paint + car park touchscreen = You already know where this is going

We take a trip to the seaside in our 12 Borks of Christmas as a parking machine touchscreen goes rogue... with inevitable consequences. The fair city of Brighton has many car parks, all of which will charge the visiting motorist an eye-watering premium in return for a few hours of parking. It appears that one customer has …

  1. Steve Davies 3 Silver badge
    Joke

    Who got out of bed on the wrong side today?

    rather than the normal extortionate rates expected for a stay in Brighton and Hove.

    This is supposed to be the season of goodwill isn't it?

    Ok, I know that parking rates in Brighton are high but even they are not on the same level as those found in central London. And because this car park is underground, you won't have 50000 seagulls trying to poop on it after they have tried to steal your chips. Isn't that worth something?

    [see icon]

    1. Ken Moorhouse Silver badge

      Re: because this car park is underground, you won't have 50000 seagulls trying to poop on it

      You're forgetting the pigeons nestling in the pipe-work in the ceilings of the car park.

    2. IGotOut Silver badge

      Re: Who got out of bed on the wrong side today?

      Between £3 and £5 all day in my town.

      Guess we appreciate our tourists more than London-On-Sea.

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: Who got out of bed on the wrong side today?

        That's about the minute rate around here, but then again it's well known we don't appreciate out-of-towners (or anybody really).

        1. Boris the Cockroach Silver badge
          Happy

          Re: Who got out of bed on the wrong side today?

          Was'nt somewhere in Brighton that was the inspiration for

          "Are you local dear?.."

      2. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: Who got out of bed on the wrong side today?

        Skidrow-on-Sea, Shirley?

        1. Def Silver badge

          Re: Who got out of bed on the wrong side today?

          Possibly. And don't call me surely.

          1. CRConrad

            Re: And don't call me surely.

            OK, Surly.

      3. JassMan Silver badge

        Re: Who got out of bed on the wrong side today?

        @IGotOut Between £3 and £5 all day in my town.

        They should be more civilised like the French - most car parks give 2 hours for free 12h00 to 14h00, 'cos like you shouldn't have to pay extra to park while having lunch in a bistro.

        I once pre-paid 0€50 at 17h00 for 2 hours, only to find I was entitled to stay until 09h00 the next morning.

      4. Agamemnon

        Re: Who got out of bed on the wrong side today?

        That's actually not too bad.

        In Downtown Seattle I know a garage (Car Park for our friends on the Right Side of the Right Pond) that's $25.00 USD the first two hours and $5.00 each additional hour.

        Now I live in Redmond on the other side of Lake Washington. I take the Express Metro Bus, Round Trip, $6.50 [and also get to skip the several dollar Bridge Toll ... while reading my paperback/drinking tea/and generally not stressing about other drivers and traffic conditions].

        Pretty cheap fix from my perspective and the money I save ends up in Seattle at one of the abundant places for excellent comestibles. [They get my money anyway, but I'd prefer something of value for it other than a rectangular space of asphalt to park my automobile ... like Curries, and Pints!]

    3. Muscleguy

      Re: Who got out of bed on the wrong side today?

      We went there once on the train. We lived just around the corner from a Thameslink station so it was convenient. Door to door almost.

      Driving there, from NW7 fraught and stressful and time consuming.

      1. gfx

        Re: Who got out of bed on the wrong side today?

        Mmm, train weren´t they on strike for two years in the south-west?

      2. yakacm

        Re: Who got out of bed on the wrong side today?

        You want to try driving to Hastings...well obviously you don't as it's not that nice, but what I meant was, if you were to drive to Hastings you'd find it a lot less enjoyable than driving to Brighton. Brighton at least has a M-way, Hasting is A road all the way, when I lived there, which granted was 20+ years ago, it could take 3 or 4 hours to drive the 50ish miles to London, there was only a few passing points back then, the rest being single carriage way.

    4. LionelB Bronze badge

      Re: Who got out of bed on the wrong side today?

      Some tips from a local:

      Waitrose car park (on the Hove border, actually) gets you an hour -- the minimum spend of £10 is essentially free, covered by the posh breadsticks and artisanal tapenade that you wanted anyway -- just enough time to wander down to the seafront and go up and down in the thing that goes up and down.

      Sainsburys near the station gets you an hour and a half, time to nip down North Laine for that Balinese sandalwood incense-holder and those vegetarian espadrilles.

      Morrisons off the Old Steine (redeem your parking ticket in-store with a couple of litres of White Lightning for the street-drinkers outside the entrance - it's an expected courtesy) is convenient for your H... sorry, S&M purchases in nearby Kemptown.

      Or, simply park for free in Whitehawk -- a 15 minute stroll into the city centre, and you can collect what's left of your car later from a field outside Newhaven.

  2. spireite Bronze badge
    Joke

    Ah, something cocked up then

    Having driven to Brighton a few times in the past, the parking rate there is shocking. The fact that the rates seemed to be second ONLY to London is even more shocking. Even Park and Ride was expensive, to the extent I have parked as Worthing and walked in.

    One of many reasons I haven't been fopr quite a while.

    1. ravenviz Silver badge

      You can park for free on the outskirts of town, past all the pay zones, if you are prepared to get the bus, or walk for an hour. Which I am.

    2. ravenviz Silver badge

      This is why Brighton is called London-by-the-sea!

    3. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      That's what happens when you vote in motorist hating greens.

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Abolish motorists

        1. druck Silver badge
          Flame

          Abolish Anonymous Cowards

      2. LionelB Bronze badge

        At least I can cycle to work on our fine new cycle lanes without being tailgated by some lard-arse in an SUV now, though. But YMMV (sic).

        As it happens, I am also a sometime motorist (I'd get rid of the car like a shot if public transport here weren't both a bit shit and ridiculously expensive), and counter-intuitively the cycle lanes seem actually to have improved traffic flow on some routes - less lane-swapping and merging, I'm guessing.

  3. chivo243 Silver badge
    Trollface

    Art is in the eye of the beholder

    Funny, I don't see any Volvo or VW in that drawing? However, I'm thinking Josh must be less that 16 years old, and needs to get out more...

    1. Ropewash

      Re: Art is in the eye of the beholder

      Or 32 and has already been out until 2:00am

    2. chivo243 Silver badge
      Go

      Re: Art is in the eye of the beholder

      I see Josh reads El Reg, and has down voted me! LOL!

      1. JimboSmith Silver badge

        Re: Art is in the eye of the beholder

        I see Josh reads El Reg, and has down voted me! LOL!

        I see Josh tried to scribble something out beneath his name. He'd better hope that it wasn't his second name and if he did that in one go. Otherwise all the council has to do is hit undo.

        1. yetanotheraoc Silver badge

          Re: Art is in the eye of the beholder

          "JOSHI xxx WAS H" is how I read it. Was he in the middle of scrawling HERE when the next person approached? The drawing on the right is far from two VWs and a Volvo. It looks more like an animal of some ill-defined type.

          1. CRConrad

            Re: animal of some ill-defined type

            You might think it's supposed to be two doggies, but I think it's more likely intended as two people imitating them.

          2. jake Silver badge

            Re: Art is in the eye of the beholder

            He was in the middle of scrawling HELPFUL, obviously.

  4. Chris G Silver badge

    Brighton, the London Riviera!

    It has always had delusions of grandeur and been accordingly overpriced.

    There are so many other nice places on the South coast, Brighton is easy to avoid.

    The closest I like to get is the South Downs way, I have ridden it end to end on horseback a couple of times.

    1. Terry 6 Silver badge

      And even funnier, half the residents say they're in "Hove" and look down on the other half - but there is no discernible difference. .

      1. ChemEng

        Many years ago the district was regularly referred to as 'Hove Actually' by the locals because of the frequent use of the correction 'No, we live in Hove actually' by some of the newer residents.

  5. Will Godfrey Silver badge
    Unhappy

    Meh!

    It all went downhill when they built the marina and Back Rock became black rubble.

    1. Ken Moorhouse Silver badge

      Re: Back Rock became black rubble

      Your typo is quite spooky, given that I used to go crabbing at Black Rock when I were a lad, and have vague recollections of slipping on the seaweed and injuring my back.

      I also remember joining the swans in nearby Queens Park for an unscheduled dip once.

      1. Zenubi

        Re: Back Rock became black rubble

        OMG yes - we used to use bacon rind tied to string.

        1. RuffianXion
          Coat

          Re: Back Rock became black rubble

          Is that a good remedy for bad backs then?

          1. John Brown (no body) Silver badge
            Coat

            Re: Back Rock became black rubble

            Yes, it saves you bending down when you drop the bacon rind. You just pull it back up by the string.

        2. jake Silver badge

          Re: Back Rock became black rubble

          Bacon to catch crabs? Waste of perfectly good bacon. Kids around here use fermented chicken wingtips.

          Later in life, they use whatever they can filch from the parental booze cabinet ...

          1. John Brown (no body) Silver badge

            Re: Back Rock became black rubble

            No, not bacon, Bacon rind. That's the bit that, like chewing gum, loses it's taste while chewing but never chews down like actual bacon and crispy fat. Of course, some people may not know what bacon rind is these days as bacon is almost always sold sans rind unless you buy from a farmers market where is may still come with the rind on. The rind is the pigskin on the very outer edge of the bacon. (And by bacon, I mean proper back bacon, not the thinly sliced belly pork they call bacon in the USA :-))

            1. jake Silver badge

              Re: Back Rock became black rubble

              It's still wasteful. That bit is used in soup or beans. Adds tons of flavo(u)r and, as it's mostly collagen, tons of mouth feel. The trotters work better for soup, though.

              Usually I cure the bacon sans skin ... I boil the skin to remove excess fat, and then dehydrate it in conveniently sized pieces (which last forever when stored in airtight containers). These bits then get deep-fried in manteca (hog fat) to produce chicharrón.

              What was that about Yanks not knowing what Bacon is?

              1. John Brown (no body) Silver badge

                Re: Back Rock became black rubble

                "What was that about Yanks not knowing what Bacon is? "

                :-)

                (Yes, I do remember that you are an honorary Brit.)

      2. Will Godfrey Silver badge
        Facepalm

        Re: Back Rock became black rubble

        I should have known.

        I spotted it just after the 'edit' timeout expired. I was rather (vainly) hoping nobody else would notice!

        Anyway, upvotes for all of you.

  6. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Read, Mark, Learn

    If you use a Brighton lens, you will recognise this is 'Joshi', not mere 'Josh'. And that there are much cheaper places to park, with a more interesting walk to the sea.

    1. Will Godfrey Silver badge
      Unhappy

      Re: Read, Mark, Learn

      Unfortunately, with foreign holidays virtually wiped out, the 'tourist' (under)class are contaminating many of those more interesting places.

      1. Will Godfrey Silver badge
        Unhappy

        Re: Read, Mark, Learn

        For the benefit of my downvoter, take a trip to Camber Sands. It used to be a nice open beach area, but now looks like a rubbish tip. Still, the seagulls like it.

    2. jake Silver badge

      Re: Read, Mark, Learn

      "Bighton Lens"? New one on me ... anything like beer goggles?

  7. John Brown (no body) Silver badge

    No one has mentioned...

    WTF is MS Paint even doing on the OS running a parking meter in the first place!!

    Or is that just something that can go without saying?

    1. David 132 Silver badge
      Flame

      Re: No one has mentioned...

      You're surprised that it has Paint?

      It's Windows, being used for an embedded ePOS scenario.

      I'm pretty certain it'll also have Candy Crush on there, along with Paint3D, Store, OneDrive, Mixed Reality Portal, and all the other shite shovelware that MS foist on even "Pro" variant users.

      Anyway. Merry Christmas, Happy New Year, and peace and goodwill to all men - even Microsoft marketing managers.

      (My chosen icon is a roaring log fire, as I look out my window and see 5" of snow all around. I'm pretty sure I just saw four small children following a faun and a lion across my front lawn, too...)

      1. Precordial thump

        Re: No one has mentioned...

        And the merry sound of batters edging balls pitched outside the off stump...

        1. jake Silver badge

          Re: No one has mentioned...

          Now, now ... there'll be no talk of edging one's balls around these parts. This here's a FAMILY redtop.

    2. jake Silver badge

      Re: No one has mentioned...

      I think you mean "WTF is a full-blown general purpose operating system doing running something as simple as a parking meter in the first place?"

      When I were a lad, they used clockworks ... and broke down a lot less often!

      Do kids these days understand the phrase "spend a penny"?

  8. VicMortimer

    Wasted opportunity

    What a wasted opportunity. If you see something like that, you write "FREE PARKING TODAY" and the date on the screen. Then you take a picture of it so you have evidence that it's free parking, and you go park for free.

    1. TeeCee Gold badge
      Facepalm

      Re: Wasted opportunity

      Well yes, but that wouldn't have worked in this case.

      The evidence we have would suggest that, if our hero had gone for that approach, the fact that it said "Fr3E prAkn Toady", would be a bit of a giveaway.

  9. We're all in it together

    Compute error

    Seems the ‘hey, you must be paying for parking’ paper clip has fallen through the floor of the app and has shorted terminals somewhere.

  10. Scott Pedigo
    Coat

    The Volvo Estate

    ...appears to be pulling out, but has overheated and the radiator is spewing coolant.

  11. yakacm

    I don't think it's cars Josh H has drawn, rather I believe it is a stylised erect penis and testicles which appear to be ejaculating. I mean it's pretty poorly executed, but as a piece of art, it is still a million times better than anything Tracey Emin has ever produced. Isn't Banksy from Brighton?

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Two of same. One (unusually for graffiti) flaccid hanging down.

      Just opened my "nudinits" calendar for 2022 NSFW??. Word and picture puns in the "Carry On" tradition. I buy the big format one for scribbled reminders - to hang on the fridge door.

      Like a classic Giles cartoon - there's always another (suggestive) detail you only see on a later view.

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