Lack shame? Fancy some festive Windows knitwear? We've got your back With the season of giving upon us, the cupboards of Vulture Central are being cleared out and long-forgotten items found that might be of use to our readership. Just think of us as tech tat peddling Gumtree. One item in question is a Windows Ugly Jumper from a few years hence. We don't actually know how this found its way …
"I had always looked upon my beauty as a curse because I was regarded as a whore rather than as an actress. Now at least I understand that my beauty was a blessing. It was my lack of understanding the way to merchandise it that was the curse" - Louise Brooks
These days it's the Microsoft world defined.
I would like to see an HR-training themed Rudolph jumper.
The other reindeer used to laugh and call him names, which is a clear example of workplace bullying on account of his disability. Or perhaps his lawyers could call it racism or even speciesism?
They also won't let him join in any of their reindeer games. Which is yet more evidence of bullying, but also suggests a lax attitude to workplace health and safety, as staff shouldn't be playing games on a work site.
To emphasise this lack of good health and safety practise yet more, his line-manager (Santa) asks him to fly in dangerous weather conditions without adequate safety equipment or training. Is Santa even instrument-rated, given none of his other reindeer are capable of flying in adverse weather conditions?
Now all the reindeer loved him (hopefully not literally - adding sexual harrassment or worse to the charge-sheet) and said he'd "go down in history". I fail to see how the defence can claim this as a good thing, about newly created harmony in the team. I suppose it could be a sign of how desperate the company are to meet deadlines, that having abused poor Rudolph, they're now willing to be kind to him as it's now useful. Or we could put a more sinister light on the phrase, "he'll go down" as yet more bullying, disguised as kindness in hoping that he'll die in the attempt.
Is Santa even instrument-rated
Yes, I believe he is - and what's more he has to go for his renewal flight each year.
Apparently one year, as the examiner was climbing onto the sleigh, Santa noticed him carrying a shotgun and enquired what it was for. The examiner replied "I shouldn't really be telling you this, but you're going to have an engine failure on take-off".
Yet another one taken in by the elf-washed sugar coated Disneyfied legend. Let's just get to the subtext of this little ditty shall we? Starting with noses. Everybody remembers Pinocchio's nose but just think about that obscene appendage's magical powers! Going back a little further to Rabelais' Pantagruel we have the horse in the fable lamenting that "we dare not so much as grow stiff at the tip of the lowermost snout, though twere but to leak or so, for fear of being jirked and paid out of our lechery". We can now see the true nature of that Red Nose, and just why Rudolph was kept so carefully away from the reindeer games! At least until a few Christmasses had passed, everyone had grown up a bit, started drinking and doing things they would come to regret in the cold light of January. Perhaps it's a mercy that whatever glee went on with Santa in that sleigh has been euphemised to "going down in history"!
Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer? Assange of the North, I say!
Oh and no I don't want a jumper. I've got quite enough baggy, malodorous sweaters splattered with ill-defined stains, thank you.
So, pretty much anyone could produce this but MS seem like a good candidate.
A jumper to keep in the office to wear on days when there's a new 0day announced that affects you/your company/your cat.
The only potential issue is that the way things are going, you could be wearing it every day in December and early January. Could get a bit ripe...
That means rounded corners by default when it's worn.
And by that logic, rejecting a Windows jumper would make it hip, to be (linux) square.
A new design? Literally any design with more than four holes in it, that feels poorly made, woolly (itching to take it off) and cumbersome, especially restrictive around the neck, near the point of strangulation, to truly reflect Windows 11.
A new design?
Just a simple picture of the Windows 11 Clock with seconds shown.
How hard could it be to make? Though, getting the original screen grab could be a showstopper to its production.
And maybe in brown, like a punch bag. Microsoft's management will feel quite at home then,when they see one of their users wearing one.
Just a plain bland MIcrosoft blue (screen of death) colour. Nothing on it...no design.
But made by the exclusive designer label "Printer Nightmare", with just a post-it note label stuck to it, to indicate the brand.
Or maybe, just a Penguin getting fuc***, that would say everything it needs to.
Back in the days when Compaq was a leading manufacturer of IT equipment, esp. servers, they decided to move into the telephony/comms space. I was sent away on their training course (I think it was 3 days in Richmond).
Very worthwhile (yeah, right) and towards the end, having passed the test, we were presented with our T-Shirts. We burst out laughing and it took a short while for the instructor to see the problem. We had all become Compaq Remote Access Partners and the T-Shirt proudly bore the Compaq logo and the initials underneath. C.R.A.P
I wonder if there's anything similar in Microsoft's war chest. A Windows Analytics Necromancer Komrade perhaps?
Why have one them when you can have the newest modern theme (in half of the newest product), in front of last years theme, that needs you to go into a settings menu with the theme from 10 years ago to see. And if you want the theme from 11 years ago, you need to access this specific registry hive and set to this hex value................
Maybe MIcrosoft could release a form of wear that reflects their command of their own OS?
I'm a Windows 10 user. I run scripts. I create PDFs. I do stuff.
Every once and a while, Windows reassigns file associations. If PDFs to Edge then I need to reboot because it stuffs the app I use to create and edit PDFs.
If it decides to jettison ISO files and surrender them to a random application elsewhere - whether they understand ISO files or not - then my batch files fall over.
Imagine a sweatshirt that changes colour/style at random times. Imagine one that carries a slogan across the front. A slogan which changes at random times.
Wearing it at a Christmas party while it has, "Let Microsoft Windows take you through the world!" is a good start, but should it change to, "Die, Santa, die!" and display, "Anyone who goes to Christmas parties is a loser! Stab me, HERE," then things might not go so swimmingly.
Ah, the joys of Microsoft randomness! Merry Christmas everybody!
Maybe they can weave it in blue, and have the Neck and Arms and Waist section all sew up with an unhappy Emoticon, showing the jumper has a problem, Maybe putting INACCESSIBLE_BOOT_DEVICE as the BSOD cause?
Include instructions that the end user need to unpick the sewing to restore the jumper to operating condition, akin to re-installing the OS..
Can we have a "Microsoft Bob" revival, I'm thinking the Microsoft Bob home area with a cutout/holder in the fireplace where I can put a Microsoft Lumia with an officially sanctioned Microsoft-only app (not available on Android or iOS) showing a period-animated log fire that flattens the battery in 30 mins, but at least makes the phone warm and cosy like a real fire?
Finding out from one of Dave Plummer's videos that Notepad is a very tiny program before Windows 11 (I think he said not changed, can't remember) that its just a menu system and thats pretty much it. I was thinking an open Notepad image.
However. Then thinking cause we all loved it, it has to be the Bliss image from Windows XP.
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