back to article Lack shame? Fancy some festive Windows knitwear? We've got your back

With the season of giving upon us, the cupboards of Vulture Central are being cleared out and long-forgotten items found that might be of use to our readership. Just think of us as tech tat peddling Gumtree. One item in question is a Windows Ugly Jumper from a few years hence. We don't actually know how this found its way …

  1. cookieMonster

    I’m a PC

    You can keep the jumper

  2. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    That will go well with my Windows 2000 OEM t-shirt, alas now covered in paint and oil.......

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Haha, snap!

      Someone bought my a Windows XP shirt for this penguin head many years ago, and I too used it for painting. Now I work for Microsoft. Joke's on me again, I guess!

  3. Def Silver badge

    I think Microsoft's knitwear next year should continue the Windows 11 theme by putting the arms in the middle and stitching up the neck.

    Just like they've done to the taskbar and their users, respectively.

  4. Version 1.0 Silver badge
    Joke

    A "related" quote of the day

    "I had always looked upon my beauty as a curse because I was regarded as a whore rather than as an actress. Now at least I understand that my beauty was a blessing. It was my lack of understanding the way to merchandise it that was the curse" - Louise Brooks

    These days it's the Microsoft world defined.

  5. I ain't Spartacus Gold badge

    Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer's industrial tribunal

    I would like to see an HR-training themed Rudolph jumper.

    The other reindeer used to laugh and call him names, which is a clear example of workplace bullying on account of his disability. Or perhaps his lawyers could call it racism or even speciesism?

    They also won't let him join in any of their reindeer games. Which is yet more evidence of bullying, but also suggests a lax attitude to workplace health and safety, as staff shouldn't be playing games on a work site.

    To emphasise this lack of good health and safety practise yet more, his line-manager (Santa) asks him to fly in dangerous weather conditions without adequate safety equipment or training. Is Santa even instrument-rated, given none of his other reindeer are capable of flying in adverse weather conditions?

    Now all the reindeer loved him (hopefully not literally - adding sexual harrassment or worse to the charge-sheet) and said he'd "go down in history". I fail to see how the defence can claim this as a good thing, about newly created harmony in the team. I suppose it could be a sign of how desperate the company are to meet deadlines, that having abused poor Rudolph, they're now willing to be kind to him as it's now useful. Or we could put a more sinister light on the phrase, "he'll go down" as yet more bullying, disguised as kindness in hoping that he'll die in the attempt.

    1. SImon Hobson Silver badge
      Coat

      Re: Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer's industrial tribunal

      Is Santa even instrument-rated

      Yes, I believe he is - and what's more he has to go for his renewal flight each year.

      Apparently one year, as the examiner was climbing onto the sleigh, Santa noticed him carrying a shotgun and enquired what it was for. The examiner replied "I shouldn't really be telling you this, but you're going to have an engine failure on take-off".

      1. John Brown (no body) Silver badge

        Re: Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer's industrial tribunal

        Oh, was he flying an F35 off the Queen Elizabeth instead of the usual sleigh?

      2. Roland6 Silver badge

        Re: Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer's industrial tribunal

        I assume for the same reasons he is also rated for night flying, provided he has an annual renewal flight...

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Rudolph - you too?

      Yet another one taken in by the elf-washed sugar coated Disneyfied legend. Let's just get to the subtext of this little ditty shall we? Starting with noses. Everybody remembers Pinocchio's nose but just think about that obscene appendage's magical powers! Going back a little further to Rabelais' Pantagruel we have the horse in the fable lamenting that "we dare not so much as grow stiff at the tip of the lowermost snout, though twere but to leak or so, for fear of being jirked and paid out of our lechery". We can now see the true nature of that Red Nose, and just why Rudolph was kept so carefully away from the reindeer games! At least until a few Christmasses had passed, everyone had grown up a bit, started drinking and doing things they would come to regret in the cold light of January. Perhaps it's a mercy that whatever glee went on with Santa in that sleigh has been euphemised to "going down in history"!

      Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer? Assange of the North, I say!

      Oh and no I don't want a jumper. I've got quite enough baggy, malodorous sweaters splattered with ill-defined stains, thank you.

  6. Candy

    Festive 0day knitwear

    So, pretty much anyone could produce this but MS seem like a good candidate.

    A jumper to keep in the office to wear on days when there's a new 0day announced that affects you/your company/your cat.

    The only potential issue is that the way things are going, you could be wearing it every day in December and early January. Could get a bit ripe...

  7. Our Lord and Savior Rahl
    Linux

    Really I think that all they need to do to recapture past glories and kick start record sales to displace these other upstarts from the trillionaires club is to remind people of the glory that was the Microsoft Zune.

    You're Welcome Satya, of course I'll be your EVP of Corporate Strategy!

  8. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Given the size is XXL, that means...

    That means rounded corners by default when it's worn.

    And by that logic, rejecting a Windows jumper would make it hip, to be (linux) square.

    A new design? Literally any design with more than four holes in it, that feels poorly made, woolly (itching to take it off) and cumbersome, especially restrictive around the neck, near the point of strangulation, to truly reflect Windows 11.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Given the size is XXL, that means...

      A new design?

      Just a simple picture of the Windows 11 Clock with seconds shown.

      How hard could it be to make? Though, getting the original screen grab could be a showstopper to its production.

      And maybe in brown, like a punch bag. Microsoft's management will feel quite at home then,when they see one of their users wearing one.

  9. DarkLordofSurrey

    Wikileaks Xmas luxury monopoly set, missing "Get out of jail free" card.

  10. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Just nothing on it...

    Just a plain bland MIcrosoft blue (screen of death) colour. Nothing on it...no design.

    But made by the exclusive designer label "Printer Nightmare", with just a post-it note label stuck to it, to indicate the brand.

    Or maybe, just a Penguin getting fuc***, that would say everything it needs to.

  11. Timbo Bronze badge

    I'd love to win this awesome fashion statement...and then I can add it to my "Clippy" costume :-)

    https://www.theatlantic.com/technology/archive/2015/06/clippy-the-microsoft-office-assistant-is-the-patriarchys-fault/396653/

  12. Wooosh

    For next Christmas

    It should be a jumper featuring an AADvent calendar.

    Bonus points if there are opening doors (windows?) which won’t allow access because ADFS is feeling a bit delicate.

  13. tgpips

    The only real answer

    It has to be Clippy for next year, surely. Like the weird family member who drives you mad at the Christmas party but you have to somehow tolerate.

    I think we can all agree, that's the true meaning of Christmas.

    1. ravenviz Silver badge

      Re: The only real answer

      “Hey, it looks like it’s Christmas!”

    2. JudeK (Written by Reg staff)

      Re: The only real answer

      Hey tgpips. It looks like you're trying to make someone laugh. Would you like me to send you a jumper?

      Congrats! Can you email jkarabus@theregister.com with your UK mailing address so we can send you your prize?

      Jude & the team at The Reg

      1. tgpips
        Pint

        Re: The only real answer

        Well I never. When I threw my metaphorical hat (or jumper in this case!) in the ring, I didn't expect to end up winning it! Email sent to you guys.

        Happy Christmas all!

  14. Floydian Slip
    WTF?

    Compaq

    Back in the days when Compaq was a leading manufacturer of IT equipment, esp. servers, they decided to move into the telephony/comms space. I was sent away on their training course (I think it was 3 days in Richmond).

    Very worthwhile (yeah, right) and towards the end, having passed the test, we were presented with our T-Shirts. We burst out laughing and it took a short while for the instructor to see the problem. We had all become Compaq Remote Access Partners and the T-Shirt proudly bore the Compaq logo and the initials underneath. C.R.A.P

    I wonder if there's anything similar in Microsoft's war chest. A Windows Analytics Necromancer Komrade perhaps?

    1. msobkow Silver badge

      Re: Compaq

      There is a more famous one here in Canada. When our current Conservative Party formed by merging the old Conservatives and the old Reform Party, they astutely named themselves the "Canadian Reform Alliance Party" for about 2 days....

      1. Fruit and Nutcase Silver badge

        Re: Compaq

        The Conservative and Unionist Party, will, by next Christmas, be known as The Christmas Party

  15. Alien Doctor 1.1

    it can only be 1 thing

    Lots and lots of pretty (horrible) shiney ribbons

  16. Gene Cash Silver badge

    I don't have a shirt idea, but I do have an "I've been dBASEed" button to go on it!

  17. tiggity Silver badge

    The Microsoft name & logo

    Underneath is the text:

    Embrace, extend and extinguish

    (depending on comma preferences of people alternative for fans of needless extra commas would be "Embrace, extend, and extinguish")

  18. NotGoodWithComputers
    Big Brother

    Something only Microsoft could do

    You receive a quality jumper. Every month, a Microsoft employee comes to your house, takes a good look around with his clipboard and takes away your jumper. The next day, your jumper is returned but the sleeve is torn. It'll be fixed in the next update.

  19. HildyJ Silver badge
    Facepalm

    I lack shame

    Obviously, as a part time Windows user I lack shame.

    But some things are just beyond the pale so I'll pass.

    Now if it had been a BSOD, I'd be tempted

  20. BitFlip

    The Microsoft Way

    Why have one them when you can have the newest modern theme (in half of the newest product), in front of last years theme, that needs you to go into a settings menu with the theme from 10 years ago to see. And if you want the theme from 11 years ago, you need to access this specific registry hive and set to this hex value................

  21. skeptical i
    Devil

    I don't know what will be printed on it ...

    ... maybe just their "thumbs up" icon ... but Facebook/META's will be a cashmere thing with a super-long turtle neck so it can keep trying to pull the wool (up) over people's eyes.

  22. Vista

    MS-DOS knitwear in black with a C:\>_ on it.

    Or MS Paint knitwear with washable markers

  23. sudb

    Not Windows, but...

    How about Apple having a Christmas jumper that's only compatible with ARM(s)?

  24. Zakspade

    Maybe MIcrosoft could release a form of wear that reflects their command of their own OS?

    I'm a Windows 10 user. I run scripts. I create PDFs. I do stuff.

    Every once and a while, Windows reassigns file associations. If PDFs to Edge then I need to reboot because it stuffs the app I use to create and edit PDFs.

    If it decides to jettison ISO files and surrender them to a random application elsewhere - whether they understand ISO files or not - then my batch files fall over.

    Imagine a sweatshirt that changes colour/style at random times. Imagine one that carries a slogan across the front. A slogan which changes at random times.

    Wearing it at a Christmas party while it has, "Let Microsoft Windows take you through the world!" is a good start, but should it change to, "Die, Santa, die!" and display, "Anyone who goes to Christmas parties is a loser! Stab me, HERE," then things might not go so swimmingly.

    Ah, the joys of Microsoft randomness! Merry Christmas everybody!

  25. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    El Reg, just one question...

    A free jumper that I can wear continuously and you're not going to charge me a perpetual monthly/annual subscription for it?

    Where have we heard that before!

  26. Gavin Chester

    Maybe they can weave it in blue, and have the Neck and Arms and Waist section all sew up with an unhappy Emoticon, showing the jumper has a problem, Maybe putting INACCESSIBLE_BOOT_DEVICE as the BSOD cause?

    Include instructions that the end user need to unpick the sewing to restore the jumper to operating condition, akin to re-installing the OS..

  27. JT_3K

    Can we have a "Microsoft Bob" revival, I'm thinking the Microsoft Bob home area with a cutout/holder in the fireplace where I can put a Microsoft Lumia with an officially sanctioned Microsoft-only app (not available on Android or iOS) showing a period-animated log fire that flattens the battery in 30 mins, but at least makes the phone warm and cosy like a real fire?

  28. PeterM42
    Facepalm

    Microsoft Christmas Knitwear......

    ....with a knitted sticking plaster - obviously!

  29. SupportHell

    Jin-

    I think we need an Adobe suite themed jumper so we can jingle some of the way, crash, and eventually realise we've jingled none of the way.

    ..Is it bad that I would probably wear this jumper unironically?

  30. Tromos

    Next year's jumper?

    Same as this year, but with lots of patches applied.

  31. ske1fr
    Thumb Down

    No way

    I'm not wearing that, it could be a Global Hypercolor ™ version with heat-activated (well, cold-activated) BSOD on the demise of the wearer...

  32. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Just checking for updates...

    An overly long jumper emblazoned with

    "Just checking for updates..."

    And inside, the small print: A hand washing washing label, with a set of instructions that takes literally hours.

  33. Diez66

    Maybe too late but hey, so is Windows

    It's an XXXXXL, so, Bloatwear.

  34. n23mc

    IBM - "The Main Frame"

    IBM - The Main Frame

  35. steviebuk Silver badge

    Difficult choice

    Finding out from one of Dave Plummer's videos that Notepad is a very tiny program before Windows 11 (I think he said not changed, can't remember) that its just a menu system and thats pretty much it. I was thinking an open Notepad image.

    However. Then thinking cause we all loved it, it has to be the Bliss image from Windows XP.

  36. MAF

    Foss takeover

    Forget C#!! Next year MS Windows knitwear should be Perl-based (Now that would have us in stitches)....

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