back to article BOFH: What if International Bad Actors designed the vaccine to make us watch more Steven Seagal movies?

BOFH logo telephone with devil's horns I've got nothing against conspiracy theories in general because if they didn't exist the PFY would probably have to join a book club or a sewing circle. But even the PFY will admit there's a limit, and at lunch today we think we found it ... "So let me get this straight," I say. "The …

  1. KittenHuffer Silver badge

    I thought this was ....

    .... a documentary to start with, cos I'm sure I've had that conversation already!

    Or did I just dream it?!?

    And wasn't it Jean Claude Van Damme and Arnold Schwarzenegger? I don't remember Cage & Seagull in my dream!

    1. b0llchit Silver badge
      Coat

      Re: I thought this was ....

      I don't remember Cage & Seagull in my dream!

      The cage door opened and the squeaking bird flew. They are gone. Gone I say. Never to reappear in any dream.

    2. You aint sin me, roit Silver badge
      Black Helicopters

      The Arnie dream was different...

      It was about when we terraformed Mars. The nanobots are now hiding the existence of the Martian colony so only members of the illuminati can go there. That's why Elon's Mars trip will fail, they don't want riff raff space tourists spoiling the vistas.

      I know this because I took the red pill.

      And I know it was the red one because I've strapped strong magnets to my head under my lead lined tinfoil hat. And magnets discharge nanobot batteries, everybody knows that!

      1. keith_w Silver badge

        Re: The Arnie dream was different...

        We all know there are hidden Martian colonies because we have amanfrommars1 here, sharing his infinte wisdom with us. 42.

      2. el_oscuro

        Re: The Arnie dream was different...

        You realize that Musk is from a small planet in the vicinity of Betelgeuse and not from South Africa as he claims. He just founded SpaceX to get some replacement parts delivered to Mars so he can fix his ship and get out of here.

        Meanwhile, the Illuminati will fail as Mars has already been spoken for.

        https://xkcd.com/1504/

    3. TeeCee Gold badge

      Re: I thought this was ....

      Well it does say international bad actors, so you are probably correct.

      1. John Brown (no body) Silver badge
        Black Helicopters

        Re: I thought this was ....

        Oh, thanks for that! I mis-read it as intentional bad actors!

  2. Karlis 1

    I miss the days when all that Big Data meant was the soft blow of a tape machine rack gently crushing you underneath shortly after the lights went out in the ops room.

  3. Prst. V.Jeltz Silver badge
    Thumb Up

    brilliant

    as always.

    some excellent turns of phrase in this one:

    "5G?" the PFY asks – at which point I feel the urge to object that he's leading the witness.

    OK. So Big Data's manufacturing these nanobots which are very tiny. And what, they distribute them to all the vaccine companies for inclusion in their vaccines? Or do they just do it at the doctor level?

    I fear we may be drifting into the PFY's own personal minefield of paranoia. However, it's important to push forward.

    I'd love to have this conversation with one of these loonies, although i fear patience would wear thin fairly quickly

    1. Pascal Monett Silver badge

      Don't.

      You'd not only be wasting your time, but also validating them by giving them a new audience and therefor lending new importance to their ravings.

      Just step away slowly and never turn your back on them before you're well out of reach.

      1. Wellyboot Silver badge

        Also good advice when confronted by politicians and their believers !

      2. RockBurner

        Yup, good advice.... just act like you're somewhat in agreement until you can signal the gents with the straightjackets.

      3. Ol'Peculier

        And don't blink...

      4. Potemkine! Silver badge

        This advice works for any extremist.

        Because they live in an alternate reality, they'll dismiss any rational argument that may threaten them to go back in the real life. It would be too hard for them, it would require them to be able to reassess their belief and to have critical thinking, something they are totally unable to do.

    2. juice Silver badge

      Re: brilliant

      > I'd love to have this conversation with one of these loonies, although i fear patience would wear thin fairly quickly

      It's really not worth the effort. You either nod and smile, which reinforces their beliefs, or if you attempt to engage, things generally spiral down into "well, we don't know", or "you can't prove a negative", which further reinforces their beliefs - after all, you've not been able to prove them wrong!

      Humans are stubborn that way: they also only tend to trust information from within their own social group; anything from outside that circle which challenges their beliefs is highly likely to be rejected.

      Personally, I generally prefer to avoid getting trapped in a social media echo-box, so I tend to keep people on my facebook feed regardless of what they're posting.

      (Except for one British ex-pat living in Malta, who's both a born again christian and an ardent Trump supporter, despite being neither American nor living in America. When it became clear that he was happy to ignore even the people in his radical born-again church who thought he was going too far, it was time to drop the hammer)

      As such, I had three anti-vax people on my Facebook.

      The first was a middle-aged militant vegan with hippy leanings - the kind of vegan who drops anti-meat flyers into supermarket freezers atop the lamb chops. And they went for the full tin-foil-hat menu, bringing 5G, government conspiracies and the whole shebang into things, despite people - including their own daughter - trying to engage them and point out the various flaws and contradictions in the various conspiracy theories.

      To be fair, something presumably got through at some point, since they've mostly reverted back to posting about animal rights, with just an occasional "world government conspiracy" post sneaking it. But for a long while, any engagement attempts bounced off like a champagne cork fired at a challenger tank.

      The second was an upper-middle class party girl, who used to be in a band I liked; the kind of person who keeps a horse (and occasionally falls asleep in the stables) and mostly posts photos of exciting parties with Beautiful People in various exotic places.

      But when lockdown hit and they couldn't party anymore, they went nuclear. Coronavirus isn't real, the hospitals aren't full, the vaccine doesn't work, lockdown should be lifted, we shouldn't be wearing masks, etc, etc. Complete with lots of citations from various dubious sources, and even some efforts to coordinate protests and campaigns.

      Oddly, their various rationales seem to have changed over time, as it turned out that coronavirus is real, lockdown minimised the effects and while the vaccines aren't perfect, they do make a sizable difference to the number of deaths and hospitalisations, as even a cursory comparison of international trends will show.

      It's almost as if they've just been constantly searching for a justification which would allow them to go back to their party lifestyle...

      And then there's the third: a person with some mental health issues, who was under a lot of stress after a divorce. And their initial concerns were pretty valid, since they centered around the mental-health impacts of the lockdown, and how it affects both adults and children.

      But from there, things rapidly descended as they worked themselves into a frothing stew of anti-vax paranoia, to the point where they did actually/literally post "wake up sheeple".

      Sadly, I didn't get to see what happened after that, since my attempts to politely engage with them were met with a Facebook unfriending, along with several other people who'd made similar attempts.

      For this person, I do suspect it was mainly driven by mental health issues and stress; from what I've since heard, they have actually been vaccinated, but are refusing to do LFT tests and are therefore moaning bitterly about the fact that they're therefore unable to attend any events which require testing proof prior to entry.

      So, yeah. From my experience, for all that I'm happy to talk to people like these - and keep them on my social media - in my experience, actually engaging them on any coronavirus-related subject is pretty much a losing proposition, no matter what you do.

      Equally, it is quite interesting to see how both the more extreme edges of left and right wing are unified in their rejection of lockdown/vaccinations/etc and how their adoption of conspiracy theories seems to evolve over time.

      It's almost as if they're just trying to justfiy sticking with their existing anti-goverment biases, rather than it being about the pandemic...

      1. Rol Silver badge

        Re: brilliant

        "Kin-dza-dza! What you've never heard of it?"

        "No, Can't say I have"

        "Well the Russians had seen this western conspiracy coming long ago and they made a documentary to better prepare their citizens"

        "Oh. Tell me more"

        "Well you know how silver is a natural defence for air bourne disease"

        "Err...Yes!"

        "It turns out that a tiny silver bell clipped to your nostrils is all that is required to ward off this man made pathogen, while also demonstrating to all around that you are savvy and know exactly what's going down"

        "I never knew"

        "And for good reason, it has been banned by every western country. Here, this is my webpage. I imported loads from Belarus before the USA put a world-wide ban on them and I'm doing my bit to help everyone get a hold of them. Tell your mates!"

        "I'm so glad we met. I best buy a few dozen for my Facebook friends"

        -

        "So, Bob, how's the silver bell business going? Hahaha!"

        "I wouldn't laugh, 'coz it's going quite well, I've got a growing number of conspiracy theorists buying them, thinking they ward off all the ills the illuminati can throw at them"

        "You're kidding."

        "No honestly. Their brain matter is probably mostly lime jelly, they believe anything you tell them, just so long as they didn't hear it on MSM"

        "Well, that's good to hear, because your plan to mark all the loons with a branding iron on their foreheads, so society can better avoid them, sounded a bit controversial"

        "Yeah. That didn't work out well, but the bell thing is perfect. They even work in the dark"

        "Got any more money making schemes that benefit society?"

        "You bet. Yellow trousers is my next line"

        "What?"

        "Seriously. Are you telling me you have never seen one of the greatest low budget sci-fi films ever made? Kin-dza-dza. Watch it. It'll explain everything."

        1. onumart

          Re: brilliant

          Ku!

          ;)

      2. CuChulainn Silver badge

        Re: brilliant

        You should partake in the MSN forums attached to news articles once in a while.

        A current sample, article title: Face masks MUST be worn in shops and public transport - but NOT pubs. Here's a selection of replies:

        masks are for muppets - end of

        I'm exempt and no one can ask me why, I laugh

        the data confirms none of it is actually necessary, rather a pacification for all you namby pamby's out there

        if you think vaccines still work you are truly deluded ,oh the hypocrisy of it ,on to your third experiment as covid is worse than ever says it all !

        Masks haven't worked anywhere in the world yet we reintroduce them here, just to increase levels of fear and control for the obvious pre planned lock downs incoming.

        Masks do not stop the transmission of this virus

        And it just goes on, in virtually every article.

        1. Antron Argaiv Silver badge
          Holmes

          Re: brilliant

          Many people seem not to be capable of understanding the concept of minimizing exposure and thus minimizing risk.

          The masks, vaccine, social distancing are none of them "perfect", nor is your immune system.

          The goal here is to *reduce* your chance of hospitalization and death. Any little thing you can do to reduce your exposure to the airborne virus is helpful.

          So, I wear my mask, I still social distance and I have had all three jabs.

          May the odds be ever in your favour...

          1. CuChulainn Silver badge
            Happy

            Re: brilliant

            My favourite comment when they say masks don't work is to tell them to see how far they can spit a mouthful of beer without one, then see how far they can do it wearing one.

            That's why masks are of benefit.

            I used to be employed in sterile product manufacture and the microbiological aspects involved in process development. It's obvious that a mask will at least catch some droplets instead of allowing them to be expelled in greater numbers.

            Most of them got their education on Facebook.

        2. Terry 6 Silver badge

          Re: brilliant

          My favourite of these is the "viruses are too small to be stopped by a mask unless it's a (model number) mask".

          I even had to stop and think about that one for a couple of seconds- knowing it was wrong but needing a moment to work out why.

          (It's not the virus they block, it's the particles containing the virii).

          But it sounds so plausible at first hearing.

      3. Kernel
        Happy

        Re: brilliant

        "- in my experience, actually engaging them on any coronavirus-related subject is pretty much a losing proposition, no matter what you do."

        Not always a losing proposition - last week one of them bought me beer while he droned on and I chatted with his very nice girlfriend, which, given that I'm at least 30 years older than her, bald and overweight didn't do my ego any harm whatsoever.

        I was happy to regard that part of the evening as a win-win for me.

      4. Geez Money

        Re: brilliant

        > It's really not worth the effort. You either nod and smile, which reinforces their beliefs

        This is the biggest problem, these people have literally no capacity to identify the smile, nod and slowly back away move. It's used on them so often they just take it as genuine concordance and it only reinforces their crazy. :(

    3. Sgt_Oddball Silver badge

      Re: brilliant

      I did that once over the moon landings.

      I broke his mind by explaining how the sky works and that if you look up during the day so you see the stars?

      After acknowledging he couldn't, I then explained the same principle works on the moon. Cue ramblings about the sky being black on the moon until I reminded him of the distinct lack of atmosphere with which to colour the sky (Rayleigh scattering duly employed to explain how much of an idiot he was being).

      He then proceeded to change the subject to football. Alot less challenging to his world view and significantly more likely to lose my interest instead, mores the pity...

    4. Robert Moore
      Pint

      Re: brilliant

      > I'd love to have this conversation with one of these loonies, although i fear patience would wear thin fairly quickly

      I can introduce you to my step father if you like.

    5. Version 1.0 Silver badge
      Joke

      Re: brilliant

      I "see" a lot of evidence that the virus has been created by Facebook posts, look at the timing of the evolution of Facebook and the development of SARS and COVID and it's clear that neither virus existed before Facebook started doing research into methods of transmitting things without telling their users what was happening - all the early Facebook posts involved tiny robots written in Java which then jumped from user to user.

      1. Yet Another Anonymous coward Silver badge

        Re: brilliant

        That's why you need McAfee

  4. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Surfing nanobots

    Why didn't they mention the surfing? The sheeples who have had the vaccine shed nanobots into the air, and the nanobots can surf on radio waves - especially on wifi waves. You can actually see the little clouds of nanobots around people's mouths and nose on cold days, because at low temperatures their stealth cloaking isn't as effective.

    The only way to avoid these shedded nanobots infecting you is a total digital disconnect. No Wi-Fi, no mobiles, disconnect your router because Wi-Fi can leak out from network wiring. If you see any obvious infected plague carriers, marked out by wearing their government approved 'masks', you just have to run - cross the road, leave the building, whatever. A minimum 50 metres and you might just be safe.

    1. Chris G Silver badge

      Re: Surfing nanobots

      To prevent the ingestion of surfing nanobots, I suggest the ude of a full face helmet with a highly energised face shield rather like a micro-fine version of the fly killers in a butcher shop.

      Any bots heading your way will be deactivated by the high voltage.

      1. Kubla Cant Silver badge

        Re: Surfing nanobots

        You can cheaply and reliably prevent nanobot infection by wearing a polythene bag over your head.

        1. TeeCee Gold badge
          Happy

          Re: Surfing nanobots

          Handily, this also works for Covid and other airborne infections too.

          We could killaddress two birds with one stone and get all the antivaxers to do this.

        2. Chris G Silver badge
          Terminator

          Re: Surfing nanobots

          "You can cheaply and reliably prevent nanobot infection by wearing a polythene bag over your head."

          Don't forget to secure it tightly at the neck to avoid the sneakier bots.

        3. Precordial thump

          Re: Surfing nanobots

          A-ha! So that's why they made disposable plastic shopping bags illegal... Just before the pandemic!

    2. swm Silver badge

      Re: Surfing nanobots

      The only defense is to join the church of the flying spaghetti monster and wear a colander. https://www.spaghettimonster.org/

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: Surfing nanobots

        A perforated colander to protect against nanobots???

        You have *so* been drinking the spaghetti water

  5. b0llchit Silver badge
    Big Brother

    Pics(the moving type) or it didn't happen. I need to see more. My video has broke. At least the nanobots make me repair my video-kit flawlessly. I feel... invincible. The nanobots are improving my life! I feel happy. I can do things! I'm getting smart. Yeah!

    This must be a new title in the making, I guess. It will be watched (with a beer)... Crap, it is a remake of Transcendence.

  6. Zebo-the-Fat

    No.... they only want you to think it's nanobots.... the truth is much more frightning!

    1. Paul Crawford Silver badge

      What, how dare you bring up the picobots!

  7. cookieMonster
    Facepalm

    They must have

    Met my brother

    1. cookieMonster

      Re: They must have

      Looks like he reads the reg now, the family Christmas dinner is going to be awkward.

    2. WanderingHaggis

      Re: They must have

      my bro in law as well. The satire articles scare me as I'm sure they believe them and add to the ambient BS level.

  8. steelpillow Silver badge
    Pint

    Come back Calvin's Dad

    All is forgiven ...

    ... especially if you bring Hobbes with you.

    1. Ian Johnston Silver badge

      Re: Come back Calvin's Dad

      Do they inject bigger and bigger nanobots until your brain explodes, then clone you?

  9. Will Godfrey Silver badge
    Thumb Up

    1st Class

    "Fight fire with fire" is clearly the way to go!

    1. FeepingCreature

      Fight fire with fire

      I mean, this was the premise behind Illuminatus! as I understand it - create a story filled with so many plausible and verifiable conspiracy theories that are at the same time clearly absurd, so as to inoculate the mind to real conspiracy theories. Unfortunately, RAW underestimated the ability of humans to believe absolute nonsense.

      (Conspiracy theory time: sometimes I suspect homeopathy was engineered to be minimally dangerous while taking up the "esoteric medicine" slot. Another form of immunization.)

      1. Doctor Syntax Silver badge

        Re: Fight fire with fire

        the "esoteric medicine" slot

        Few things are limitless but the capacity of such slots is one of them.

      2. Ken G

        Re: Fight fire with fire

        Or Foucoult's Pendulum.

      3. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: Fight fire with fire

        I take homeopathic gullibility remedy, so no ones fooling me.

        With all the disinformation nowadays, I always dilute it 10x to make sure it's extra potent.

  10. Pangasinan Philippines
    Trollface

    Loonies are reading this

    and downvoting the posts. . . . . . well at least one so far, but counting

    1. Michael H.F. Wilkinson
      Coat

      Re: Loonies are reading this

      Are they really downvoting posts, or are the nanobots making you believe that? ...

      Sorry, couldn't resist. I'll get me coat

      1. veti Silver badge

        Re: Loonies are reading this

        Fnord.

        1. Allan George Dyer Silver badge
          Trollface

          Re: Loonies are reading this

          How did you post an empty comment? I thought characters were required.

          1. Doctor Syntax Silver badge

            Re: Loonies are reading this

            It's not empty. If you can't see anything your browser must be blocking the word

    2. Captain Scarlet Silver badge
      Trollface

      Re: Loonies are reading this

      I wonder if they have also fallen for the flat earth theories, where they link a video tell you to play at double speed and don't understand that horses defecate on the floor and fail to give sources for their images of cities with noone in them.

  11. Doctor Syntax Silver badge

    There's plenty evidence that 3g, 4g, 5g and WiFi are affecting the brain. Well, some peoples' brains. The evidence is all around and irrefutable.

    1. Ken G
      Boffin

      I can disprove that

      I've had both my vaccinations early and my phone data is still slow as fuck!

      1. Kubla Cant Silver badge

        Re: I can disprove that

        A clear indication that nanobots are stealing all your bandwidth.

        1. Anonymous Coward
          Anonymous Coward

          Re: I can disprove that

          Unfortunately, as this conspiracy was originated some years ago the nanobots they are currently deploying in the vaccine only support IPV4. They ran out of addresses ages ago, so the nanobots are just sat around waiting for an address.

          Bill Gates has put the upgraded version with IPV6 support into the horse worming tablets.

          1. bombastic bob Silver badge
            Black Helicopters

            Re: I can disprove that

            didn't they add DHCP to the vaccine to fix that problem?

            anyway who needs nanobots when emotional manipulation and mob mentality still work, even after thousands of years of evidence that people should NEVER fall for any of it... but still do.

            Mine's the hat with Titanium instead of Aluminum foil

            1. Jellied Eel Silver badge

              Re: I can disprove that

              DHCP stands for Direct Human Control Protocol. It's quite ingenious and the reason large monitors are expensive. There's a lot of nanoscale space between 1 and 0. This is used by DHCP with nanobits interleaved with regular sized bits, and allows wetware and hardware host pairing, along with Direct Control.

              It's the reason why people feel anxious when they have no signal. It's simply the nanobots trying to reconnect before their host's lease expires, and they expire with it. It also explains why both Big Data and governments want 100% broadband coverage so the sheeple are never out of contact with a DHCP server.

              Furthermore it explains some of the reported symptoms like tiredness and sore arms. The uninfected have videos showing Prime vans collecting 'sleep walking' hosts being collected, taken to a warehouse and being returned later. It's also why the expression 'head in the clouds' has taken on a terrifying new meaning. We only use around 30% of our brains (much less in many cases) and Big Data hates to see an under utilsed asset. So that 75% idle capacity is rented out, and hosts are utilsed more efficiently.

              This is also much better for the environment, and the bottom line. Silicon based hosts consume a lot of space, heat and power. Meatware hosts essentially self-provision, saving Big Data billions each quarter. And assets who managed to infiltrated the recent COP (Control of Population) have discovered the next phase. Meatware nodes are being encouraged to install heat pumps. These make little economic sense, unless you realise they can capture waste heat from compute nodes and turn that into saleable electricity.

              Of course 'fact-checkers' will deny these obvious truths, but they either work for, or depend on Big Data.

              (I kinda wonder if the drug dealers regret ever mentioning nanoparticles. Also pro-vaxxers, don't get too smug. After all, you're only following orders. And replication has always been part of both viral life, and the Prime directive. So get your booster shots, which contain a number of important updates!)

              1. Doctor Syntax Silver badge

                Re: I can disprove that

                Well played, sir.

            2. Anonymous Coward
              Anonymous Coward

              Re: I can disprove that

              Well, of course they implemented DHCP for IPV4, but all the scope addresses were exhausted pretty quickly. That is why they are using all the bandwidth. It is clogged up with broadcasts from nanobots trying to get an address.

      2. The Oncoming Scorn Silver badge
        Pint

        Re: I can disprove that

        I went in for my second jab & asked to have my WiFi Access Point updated to V2.

      3. Alumoi Silver badge

        Re: I can disprove that

        Did you ask the doctor to activate the hotspot? I've asked at the second dose and now I have 5G even in house.

      4. Doctor Syntax Silver badge

        Re: I can disprove that

        "I've had both my vaccinations early and my phone data is still slow as fuck!"

        No probs, you just need the booster. Does what it says on the tin.

      5. This post has been deleted by its author

    2. My other car WAS an IAV Stryker Silver badge
      Joke

      REAL: My COVID infection a year ago has messed up my brain more than the vaccinations have. It has made my memory and technical focus almost as bad as being on that one antidepressant again, but without the "good" vibe.

      JOKE: If Wi-Fi played a part in it, I'd be the one most affected in the family. Both my AT&T hub and the better/stronger Netgear router are here in the home office with me, ~50 hours a week. I added the latter "box" about two months before the COVID infection; never before was I exposed to this much RF inside 2 meters for long periods. Maybe that's why the whine in my left ear has gotten stronger, and it just took time to take effect.

      1. The Oncoming Scorn Silver badge
        Joke

        Maybe that's why the whine in my left ear has gotten stronger

        Have you tried getting the wife to sleep on the other side of the bed?

        1. The Oncoming Scorn Silver badge
          Joke

          Re: Maybe that's why the whine in my left ear has gotten stronger

          Downvote - So his wife reads El Reg!

    3. msobkow Silver badge

      The intelligence of the human species is inversely proportional to the amount of attention Kanye West and the Kardashians get... :)

  12. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Unfortunately...

    The other half has some friends who are 110% on board with these Loony Ideas. Thankfully she has never made me sit in a room with them without beer in hand to keep my self calm. I do worry though that without her Sister (a Doctor) and her sisters husband (a Doctor and Vaccine researcher) the other half would have been talked in to believing all of this by these idiots, thankfully I did get to listen in to a conversation that went like this:-

    Them - "Well she would say that"

    My Better Half - "Why would she say that?"

    Them - "Well they are Doctors"

    Her - "And that means they are going to lie to me about taking the vaccine, wearing masks and all the things they tell me are for my own good?"

    Them - "The whole medical profession is in on it"

    Her - "If that was the case someone would leak it like that Snowdown guy" (That's what she called him)

    Them - "That was all a smokescreen for the real plan"

    Her - "That you are saying my sister is in on and has not told me, the same sister who cannot keep quiet about anything and gets morally outraged about the smallest thing?"

    1. Ian Johnston Silver badge

      Re: Unfortunately...

      40% of UK medical students are creationists. Being a (medical) doctor is absolutely no guarantee of logical thinking or of trust in science.

      1. WanderingHaggis

        Re: Unfortunately...

        It's a moral question not a logic question. The basic claim is every doctor is corrupt and is gaining from this in one way or an other to such a point that there is not a single doctor who has a moment of remorse and confesses to being part of the plan. That is deeply flawed and insulting.

        1. Anonymous Coward
          Anonymous Coward

          Re: Unfortunately...

          There are some anti-vax doctors and nurses. The tinfoil hat crowd will point to them as a counter-example that proves their "theory".

          1. Paul Crawford Silver badge

            Re: Unfortunately...

            Ah, the Shipman defence

          2. WanderingHaggis

            Re: Unfortunately...

            True but they never say that a dodgy civil servant in a pub offered them a pony to inject nanobots into unsuspecting patients so are the government not offering under the counter money to antivaxxers -- why don't they record one of the meetings. Again no one has come forward saying I took money from Boris then changed my mind. After so much time it is not credible that no one has been able to provide this kind of evidence.

      2. Yet Another Anonymous coward Silver badge

        Re: Unfortunately...

        >40% of UK medical students are creationists.

        In my experience 40% of medical students are idiots. Idiots on the level of: if you need to work out the dose and you have mg/Kg you need to multiply by kg to get mg.

        Seriously you don't need to memorise this for each drug - it's always the same, just look at the units and cross them out.

      3. Dante Alighieri Bronze badge

        XKCD

        https://xkcd.com/285/

        I look forward to your response to the Wikipedian Protester

      4. bombastic bob Silver badge
        WTF?

        Re: Unfortunately...

        40% of UK medical students are creationists

        Staunch creationists tend to believe it because they believe their religion teaches creation and so it becomes a religious thing. And if they have a high standard of morality as well (due to their religion) I think I can overlook any scientific disagreement with respect to 'origins', which generally have NOTHING to do with being able to provide medical treatment... right?

        Besides, "intelligent design" (while going off into the weeds, I guess) could actually be a form of whole-species evolution, given the stress and threat of extinction if you do not adapt.

        In other words I do not buy into ANY currently accepted model of evolution without repeatable scientific experiments showing something conclusive. Everything else is speculation (though personally I favor a model that includes evolution via epigenetics, and catastrophic "jumps" rather than gradual ones, and if a god is responsible I have no problem with that)

        and honest religious doctors probably will not consciously inject you with nanobots

        1. Yet Another Anonymous coward Silver badge

          Re: Unfortunately...

          Fortunately in this country we have a natural experiment, where for 1000 years we have been selectively breeding for superiority and leadership until we achieved the House Of Lords

          1. Antron Argaiv Silver badge
            Thumb Up

            Re: Unfortunately...

            I thought it was the population of Australia?

        2. Anonymous Coward
          Anonymous Coward

          Re: Unfortunately...

          My daughter is currently the most junior in a particular maternity hospital. A patient came in after a problem during a termination at a clinic. No-one else at the maternity hospital would look after the poor lady for ethical and moral reasons!

          1. Antron Argaiv Silver badge
            Thumb Up

            Re: Unfortunately...

            Your daughter is a good person. I predict she will make a wonderful doctor.

        3. Cav

          Re: Unfortunately...

          "Everything else is speculation (though personally I favor a model that includes evolution via epigenetics, and catastrophic "jumps" rather than gradual ones,"

          partly, "Punctuated equilibrium" is fact but so is gradual change over time, if environment gradually changes.

          Wrong about epigenetics though. And no it isn't speculation. Our absolute knowledge, not theory, of how DNA works, and changes over time, explains evolution.

      5. John Brown (no body) Silver badge

        Re: Unfortunately...

        "40% of UK medical students are creationists."

        I've not heard that before. Where did you find that number?

        1. Yet Another Anonymous coward Silver badge

          Re: Unfortunately...

          I suspect, that like 98.7% of statistics, it was made up.

  13. beast666
    Mushroom

    Bam!

    The dumb masses need to wake their asses up!

    1. Stoneshop Silver badge
      WTF?

      Re: Bam!

      I don't even have a donkey.

      1. Yet Another Anonymous coward Silver badge

        Re: Bam!

        Well obviously it's not meant to be taken literary - it applies to any sleepy equine animals

  14. Alligator

    Prey

    Michael Crichton's Prey is their Bible.

    They see it as scientific fact or prophetic rather than a very enjoyable if scientifically absurd fiction novel.

    https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Prey_(novel)

    1. My other car WAS an IAV Stryker Silver badge
      Coat

      Re: Prey

      I agree with you in your application, but not your opinion about the book itself ("very enjoyable"). I did not enjoy Prey when compared to many of Crichton's earlier works.

      We need a "my two cents" icon, but I'll just reach for my change purse ==>

      1. Yet Another Anonymous coward Silver badge

        Re: Prey

        His Great Train Robbery novel (ie the Sean Connery film) is very good if you like that early Forsyth; Day of the Jackal/Dogs of War sort of journalistic fiction where every detail is gone into.

      2. WageSlave5678

        Re: Prey

        Just type:

        cc

        (US version in cents), or:

        pp

        (UK version in pennies)

  15. ColinPa Silver badge

    circular history

    "No, but we know they use nanobots for mind control. They've been doing it for years. They've been planning all of this for years."

    Was this planned before Nanobots were invented?

    1. You aint sin me, roit Silver badge
      Big Brother

      Re: circular history

      Nanobots were invented ages ago!

      You'd remember this if they weren't interfering with your memory.

      Turn off, tune out, and reject your nanobot controllers!

    2. TRT Silver badge

      Re: circular history

      Surely they'd just put the nanobots in the water supply... Or possibly in the coffee machine.

      1. Jason Bloomberg

        Re: circular history

        Nanobots are mostly found in processed meat. Everyone who hasn't been vegan since 1980 is already screwed.

        Remember Mad Cow Disease? Early version nanobots were incompatible with bovine brains; kaboom!

        1. Yet Another Anonymous coward Silver badge

          Re: circular history

          Ironically Prions are about as close to nanobots as we have got and they are fscking scary

          1. TRT Silver badge

            Re: circular history

            I know. We had some guy from a prion research unit get in touch back in about '92. He wanted some tissue from our extensive collection of brains.

            "What do you want?" I asked.

            "Bit of everything you have." He said.

            "Well I've got mostly primate brain, and cat, tiger, lion, dog, mouse, rat, horse, sheep, giraffe... bit of ocelot. But the more exotic stuff has been sitting in formaldehyde for the last 50 years, so I don't think you'll get much from there."

            "No, that'll be fine." He said. "The prions will still be active."

            "Say what?" I exclaimed.

            "Yeah. You can't easily get rid of them you know. Wouldn't really matter if you had boiled them in formaldehyde and autoclaved them afterwards. Nasty buggers."

            1. Robert Sneddon

              Re: circular history

              Upvote for "extensive collection of brains".

              1. Paul Crawford Silver badge

                Re: circular history

                Many seem to struggle to reach one

              2. Ken Shabby

                Re: circular history

                Venezuelan Beaver?

                1. John Brown (no body) Silver badge
                  Paris Hilton

                  Re: circular history

                  Yeah, I met her once too. Once was enough!

                  1. Anonymous Coward
                    Anonymous Coward

                    Re: circular history

                    Yeah, I met her once too. Once was enough!

                    Yes, a bit too cheesey for my tastes...

            2. Antron Argaiv Silver badge
              Alert

              Re: circular history

              You didn't, by any chance send him a sample of a brain marked "ABNORMAL", did you?

              // what hump?

  16. Boris the Cockroach Silver badge
    Coffee/keyboard

    Well this

    has given me enough ideas for conversation starters with my estwhile colleague(most hated enemy) in the chair opposite.

    Well he would be in the chair opposite if he wasn't locked in the toliet at the moment after finding out his ham sandwich lunch had'nt have turned out to be a ham and chilli sauce sandwich.

    Of course it couldn't have been me because he locks his lunch in his desk just in case there are malicious people out there to do him harm

    But it was a coincidence that the PFY dragged him off for a lengthy and technical explanation of a production problem at about 10am , giving a highy motivated and malicious person enough time to unscrew the back off his desk, open said sandwich and lightly dust it with tobasco... just enough to make him think his other 1/2 left chilli sauce on the butter knife last night.. and then replace everything good as new.

    But I guess making him destroy his own keyboard was reward enough for now

    Next week : That persisent buzzing noise he hears after he gets a jab next Thurs.....

    1. Chris 15

      Re: Well this

      Be careful of the pfy being in on it, sounds like you've given him blackmail material... Where do we find the next installment? This guy must have done some nasty deeds to earn this... :-D

  17. Anonymous South African Coward Silver badge

    Only way to neutralize and eject nannybots safely is through the use of a supercharged cattleprod.

    <KZERRRRRT>

    1. Paul Crawford Silver badge

      Why do you think teledildonics was invented?

      More amperes!

  18. Paul Herber Silver badge
    Trollface

    It's not just the doctors ...

    Dentists are also in on the game, they'll get you when you next need an anaesthestic for some dental work, and that goes into the bloodstream far closer to the brain! Just say no.

    1. Chris G Silver badge

      Re: It's not just the doctors ...

      Do you have any idea how much micronanoelectronics can be installed in a crown or even worse a dental implant?

      People with perfect teeth are all a part of the nanobot driven army!

      1. Paul Crawford Silver badge

        Re: It's not just the doctors ...

        I knew there was something suspicious about the Mormons!

        1. julian.smith
          FAIL

          Re: It's not just the doctors ...

          I knew there was something ridiculous about the Mormons -

          A religion founded by a guy named Joseph Smith

          - Americans are as dumb as a sack of rocks

          - 80 million voted for Donald Trump FFS

          LMAO

      2. Stoneshop Silver badge
        Black Helicopters

        Re: It's not just the doctors ...

        They did this as far back as WW2 already; Lucille Ball tried to expose that plan in 1974 when the batteries had finally run down and she wasn't affected any more (they were microbots, fitted in a dental filling as miniaturisation hadn't progressed to them being small enough to float in your bloodstream as well as feed on radio waves), but she was only laughed at.

        1. Chris G Silver badge

          Re: It's not just the doctors ...

          "but she was only laughed at."

          Well, she was good at her job!

          1. Spanners Silver badge
            Go

            Re: It's not just the doctors ...

            Well, she was good at her job!

            And then she supplied some of the initial seed money behind Star Trek.

    2. bombastic bob Silver badge
      Black Helicopters

      Re: It's not just the doctors ...

      that filling you just got has a chip inside...

      (and the crown has an entire microcontroller in it, beaming signals into your brain - nevermind what they're doing with dental implants and full dentures these days)

      1. quxinot

        Re: It's not just the doctors ...

        Yes yes, I don't care what microchips are involved.

        The bigger question is if insurance covers it.

    3. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: It's not just the doctors ...

      So that is why they suddenly started using RF transparent epoxy fillings instead of the old silver amalgam ones that stopped RF dead!

  19. Andy Landy
    Black Helicopters

    It's not the nanobots

    ...the real reason for the global chip shortage is because they're all being put into The Vaccine

    *taps forehead knowingly*

    1. Korev Silver badge
      Black Helicopters

      Re: It's not the nanobots

      Look where they inject them, they don't call them ARM chips for nothing...

      1. TRT Silver badge

        Re: It's not the nanobots

        Kill the Xeon spy!

        1. Paul Crawford Silver badge

          Re: It's not the nanobots

          You sound a bit xeonphobic...

  20. Yet Another Anonymous coward Silver badge

    Makes sense

    In the 70s we got lots more vaccines and that was because the chips weren't as integrated. The reason we had to have separate measles, mumps, rubella was that the nanobots had to use 6502 and Z80s

    It would explain why we spent so much time watching crap TV - the nanobots forced people to like "On the Buses" and "Mind Your Language"

  21. Throatwarbler Mangrove Silver badge
    Trollface

    Disappointing

    With such excellent bait, I thought we'd have at least one crank railing on about exactly what Simon is mocking.

    1. Uncle Slacky Silver badge

      Re: Disappointing

      I'm sure codejunky will be along shortly, or would be if there was an EU/Brexit angle.

      1. A.P. Veening Silver badge

        Re: Disappointing

        I'm sure codejunky will be along shortly, or would be if there was an EU/Brexit angle.

        But there is.

        .

        .

        .

        .

        You just introduced it.

    2. doublelayer Silver badge

      Re: Disappointing

      Be careful what you wish for, because they have struck here before on serious articles. It might seem beneficial to correct them, and it might seem fun to troll them, but it doesn't take very many of them ignoring your correct points and not caring about your jokes while making it clear that they are putting others at risk to make the exercise a lot more frustrating.

      In addition, I have identified a pattern of argument among those who argue against the vaccine. When they think they have an advantage, they'll use all these stupid arguments in the hopes of convincing others. When they know they're talking to someone who is smart enough to recognize those as the rubbish they are, they go into defensive mode. That means they will use a lot of vague arguments that you can't immediately dismiss (the vaccine has reported side effects which can be dangerous, and you have to acknowledge that it's technically true while most of the ones they're talking about never happened). They'll also do the very specific lie, the kind that takes thirty seconds to make up but takes you fifteen minutes to research in order to disprove. This tactic isn't limited to vaccines, but it is popular with that group.

      1. Rich 11 Silver badge

        Re: Disappointing

        but it doesn't take very many of them ignoring your correct points and not caring about your jokes while making it clear that they are putting others at risk to make the exercise a lot more frustrating.

        It's worth remembering that while it may be frustrating trying to reason with people who are already too far gone down the rabbit hole, your words may well be effective with the casual reader you never see, the one who is still on the fence or wavering in their views.

        1. Terry 6 Silver badge

          Re: Disappointing

          This has been my view on Social Meedja.

          I don't give a stuff what some idiot conspiracy theory nutter thinks.

          But if some perplexed individual who's been told stuff sees the outpourings unchallenged and has no counter knowledge I don't want to leave sewer uncovered.

      2. bombastic bob Silver badge
        Stop

        Re: Disappointing

        Simon had the right approach: just ask questions.

        (anything else simply sounds arrogant, condescending, smug, and/or elitist, and depending upon the subject matter, might actually be JUST THAT and even DEAD WRONG in the process)

        "Mr. Gallilleo, EVERYONE KNOWS that the sun moves across the sky and that the Earth is in the center of the universe. THE most educated people agree, and here YOU are insisting that the SUN is the center of a "solar system" of planets, one of which is the earth, that revolve around it. DID NOT THE BIBLE SAY that the SUN WAS HELD STILL IN THE SKY for Joshua when he asked God to do it?" Now where have we heard THIS sort of thing before... [this is why science has experimentation and peer review, and a good scientist is JUST as excited when he was wrong as when he was right, discovering the truth in the process]

        1. doublelayer Silver badge

          Re: Disappointing

          I disagree. Look at the article. Yes, it's fiction, but the person was not dissuaded by logical questions. That happens in real conversations too, although often in a different way. They don't see how illogical it is to assume every doctor is secretly on board with an evil plot, so asking them why they do it, what the goals are, how they possibly manage the logistics, all lead you into a loop. Worse, if someone else is watching the conversation, the idiot is stating all nature of lies to bolster their point, and I'm not allowed to point out the inaccuracies because it makes me too smug, then the observer sees a knowledgeable person with all these anecdotes and the stupid supporter who can do nothing but ask for details. The liar is happy to keep providing those; their original anecdote was a lie, so they won't mind piling on some more.

          Take your own example. If Galileo had decided to counter the prevailing theory only by asking questions about it, he would have gotten answers. The geocentric model wasn't only supported by stories from religious books. It also had a lot of work put into understanding it. For centuries, people had been observing objects' movements and making models to explain those movements using a really complex series of geometric orbital paths around the planet. Those models could correctly predict the movements of the objects quite well, until they couldn't, when they would be changed to account for the problem.

          Had Galileo asked questions, he and any observers would have been presented with thousands of pages of rigorous, precise, meticulous, and mathematically accurate calculations showing how everything circled the earth. The only problem is that all that correct mathematics didn't work with the real physics going on. It would have been one questioner against centuries of provable effort and he would have been ignored with ease. He had to say "This model is wrong, I can prove that it's wrong, and I can prove a replacement". Doing that meant that others could verify that the inaccuracies he found were real and that they could similarly verify what he thought. That is what he needed to do and he did it.

  22. plrndl
    Pint

    Travaglia for PM

    Thank you Simon, for unleashing a tsunami of amusing commentard nonsense. Have a beer on me.

    1. Will Godfrey Silver badge
      Happy

      Re: Travaglia for PM

      He is rather good at that, isn't he?

  23. HammerOn1024

    Feed The Crazy

    Just go ahead and keep pouring napalm on that fire. I like where this is headed... lemmings and cliffs... lemmings and cliffs.

  24. steelpillow Silver badge
    Alien

    Tell it like it really is

    You are a figment of my imagination. The only reason you doubt the nanobot conquest is because it amuses me for you to do so.

    Hey! And you over there! The only reason you are smirking is because I set the two of you against each other for the lulz!

    Get out of that, if you can. Bwahahaha!

    1. KBeee Silver badge

      Re: Tell it like it really is

      Solipsism

  25. ibmalone Silver badge

    Lord of War

    That is all.

    (Cage maybe isn't the greatest out there, but unfair to lump him in with the other one!)

    1. Potemkine! Silver badge

      Raising Arizona

      But I have to admit I'm a huge fan of Coen brothers

  26. Kevin McMurtrie Silver badge

    Explains things

    I thought I had 5G problems because Sony produces embarrassingly bad software. I'm glad it's just my vaccine draining my phone's signal.

  27. Doctor Syntax Silver badge

    Has anyone else come to the conclusion that Unicode is the green ink of the internet?

  28. Unicornpiss
    Meh

    5G for mind control?

    I suppose that 4G didn't have enough bandwidth to control minds. Certainly a weak 1X connection would be over sufficient to control the minds of most of the conspiracy theorists and anti-vaxxers I've met though.

    1. bombastic bob Silver badge
      Coat

      Re: 5G for mind control?

      you do not need 5G or nanobots for mind control. You just need certain "news networks" repeating random tweets and blog posts and "sources say" as if they were "news"...

      (oops I forgot my coat, it's the one with the 5G dumb phone in the zipper pocket)

  29. Big_Boomer Silver badge
    Big Brother

    Thought

    People often accuse conspiracy theorists of not thinking, but the opposite is true. They think too much and read too much and seem to be unable to distinguish between reality and fantasy. They are prime cannon fodder for the unscrupulous out there who use them for their own personal gains. They spout about us all being controlled by "the man" when if fact they are the ones being manipulated and controlled by others. It'd be funny if it wasn't just plain sad.

  30. Clausewitz 4.0
    Devil

    Too much nonsense.. stick to the reality

    I don't know much about nanorobots, but nanotechnology, microchips and cryptocurrency are very real.

    If common folks got hold of a tiny fraction of reality, they wouldn't be able to handle it positively.

    Luckly we do not have only common folks.

  31. wjake
    Happy

    FIFY

    "5G?" the PFY asks – at which point I feel the urge to object that he's leading the witless. However, I plough on."

    Missed one, BOFH!

  32. TheManInSpain

    There's a couple of conspiracy theorists I know that are going to receive a link to this article. It's too good an opportunity to misss

  33. Diez66

    Loved it

    Thanks, cheered me up wandering just along the thought train. Happy Days

  34. sabroni Silver badge

    Nicholas Cage, same in every movie

    I've seen him shooting a shotgun in a fight scene while shagging someone. I've seen him drink himself to death in a motel. Those were two different characters.

    I know, he's inconsistent in the extreme, but Leaving Las Vegas is a great film and to make out that's the same character as Ghost Rider is wilful ignorance.

    1. This post has been deleted by its author

  35. Spanners Silver badge
    Go

    Another side effect

    A week after my booster, I had a puppy!

  36. Marty McFly Silver badge
    Terminator

    Not the ending I was expecting....

    I figured BOFH was leading to a method of eradicating the nanobots, probably involving the mains from the server room.

    Kzzzzzrt!

    Thump.

  37. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Better bots than mine

    The nanobots we made are on or off only, it drills holes or sit there. Unfortunately like all foreign bodies in the human body, they get surrounded and or ejected. Unless we make them drill holes. They don't go after anything particular, just a micro scissor/drill. Not even good for assassinations, unreliable. I made that all up, but it sounds more realistic than current reality.

  38. Stevie
    Pint

    Bah!

    Best tale this year.

    Nice one.

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