back to article Judging by the way your face lit up, my inbox just got more attractive

"You've got mail!" announces a voice on the tram. How very 1990s, I think, imagining myself as a double-taking, pre-gravitas Tom Hanks in a remake of the lightweight romantic comedy. I tear my attention away from my book and look up to see who uttered this famous refrain. A man standing across the aisle is staring straight at …

  1. Dr_N


    Doesn't sound like something useful for the person who has one. But perhaps it could be used to identify people in a crowd? Someone you're meeting? Or plague carriers? At least it was not displaying a poo emoji, Mr Dabbs.

    1. b0llchit Silver badge

      Re: PocketView

      Luckily... not activating the vibrator in the crotch display. It could have been playing happy tunes.

      1. JassMan

        Re: PocketView

        Also lucky that he hadn't just been visiting Many of its contributors, post GIFs of initially flaccid penises standing to attention and then spurting. OTOH, they do often have genuinely humorous artwork.

  2. Sam not the Viking

    Trend Setting

    I do hope you're not starting a trend for selfies staged with domestic 'aids'. (To be fair, it's not a very convincing pose.)

    1. Dr_N
      Paris Hilton

      Re: Trend Setting

      If Mr Dabbs is in France, it's "domestic maid", non?

      1. Fruit and Nutcase Silver badge

        Re: Trend Setting

        Monsieur Dabbs in a French Maid's outfit?

        Who knows!

  3. chivo243 Silver badge

    That's a story!

    With a happy ending!

  4. W.S.Gosset

    "You've got mail!"

    Can you say that?

    You can't say that.

    I don't think you can say that nowadays.

    "You've got person!" maybe.

    Or, "You've got they!" perhaps.

    1. John Brown (no body) Silver badge

      Re: "You've got mail!"

      TBH, I was expecting to find that Dabbsies flies were open and his new found friend was simply stating "You've Got Male" in a not so subtle way of informing of said situation while trying to minimise the embarrassment that otherwise might be caused by yelling "Oi! Mate! Yer todger's hanging out!"

  5. Coastal cutie

    I think the BOFH could get quite a lot of mileage out of making the PFY run up and down bus lanes with various annoying bean counter registrations on his back (those that don't qualify for the whole BOFH carpet, window or lift shaft experience) ..…..

    1. Doctor Syntax Silver badge

      When TfL introduced charging to enter central London my first reaction was to wonder what happens when a car transporter enters the zone. This was rapidly followed by the thought that a determined group of protesters could have rapidly crashed the entire system. Just make up a series of letters and numbers on some spiral binding arrangement so they could rapidly flip up random VRNs and show them to the cameras.

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Someone received a fixed fine for their car being in a bus lane. Except it was nowhere near that place. What had been picked up was a woman pedestrian's clothing with the word "KNITTER" emblazoned on it. Part of it was obscured but the camera system made a guess with car registration KN19 TER

        1. matthewdjb

          Yeah. We know. Dabbs mentioned it in the article.

        2. Doctor Syntax Silver badge

          I read that somewhere. I remember - on the Beeb and in Dabsie's article.

      2. doesnothingwell

        Think evil, use signs or codes with: DROP TABLE id_no, plate_no, registration_no; Should have sanitized inputs.

        1. RockBurner

      3. David Hicklin Bronze badge

        what normally happens is the dodgers "borrow" your registration and the first you know is when the penalty notice drops through the letterbox

  6. You aint sin me, roit

    Wielding a vacuum cleaner...

    Like you almost know how to use it! Bravo!

    Careful mind, show that kind of expertise and Mrs D will expect more from you...

    1. Fruit and Nutcase Silver badge

      Re: Wielding a vacuum cleaner...

      May be Mme Dabbs would like Monsieur Dabbs wearing an outfit like the "Romeo Cleaners" as he goes around dusting and cleaning chez Dabbs.

      -->you can put that coat away - there's no need for it

    2. EricB123 Bronze badge

      Re: Wielding a vacuum cleaner...

      I always thought El Reg subscribers all had robotic vacuum cleaners. Now I realize this is a falsehood.

  7. ConsumedByFire


    "No matter how often I hit that "Unsubscribe" button"

    I now have an email rule to delete anything with Unsubscribe in the body of the email. On my work account anyway, as there appear to be companies in India trawling Linkedin, guessing email addresses and adding me to spam marketing for big tech companies. Their efforts are now wasted :-)

  8. Radio Wales


    I'm avidly awaiting the unavoidable follow-up of "You've got femail"

    ... And the inevitable explosion of various opinions ricochetting across the known universe.

  9. Cuddles

    A sound idea?

    "The idea of PocketView is sound enough: a wearable that alerts you with basic notifications, directions, silent alarms or whatever without need for a wristwatch, earphones or having to reach for your phone. It just works with the clothes you are already wearing"

    Maybe I'm missing something, but I don't see how this is a sound idea at all. The whole point of smart clothing, as silly as the idea might be, is that you can do away with carrying various devices at all, the clothes themselves doing the job instead. Pocketview isn't a cheap alternative to that, since it fundamentally misses the entire point and requires you to carry around an additional device. Instead, it's just an alternative device to carry instead of a watch. But not instead of a phone, because if it did that it would just be a phone. So instead of having a small, light, unobtrusive bracelet, I can instead carry an extra monitor/bat-signal combination around in my pocket? It doesn't replace smart fabrics because it doesn't even try to do the same job, and it doesn't replace smart watches because it's a less inconvenient, less functional, and just generally incredibly stupid way of doing some of the same job.

    1. Grikath

      Re: A sound idea?

      "because it's a less inconvenient, less functional, and just generally incredibly stupid way of doing some of the same job."

      Which is sort of the raison d'étre for mr. Dabbs' tales of wonder and mayhem...

      Of which this particular episode has me in dubio whether to invoice him for a new keyboard, or to inquire where to acquire said prototype for...rigorous testing. Hmmm...maybe both...

  10. genghis_uk

    Thanks for cheering up my Friday, once again!

  11. Horst U Rodeinon
    Thumb Up

    Dabsy, I've been amused ...

    by your mental perambulations through tech-related lunacy, but never before to bursting out loud with laughter. Simon came in second place today.

    I truly hope this is the beginning of a competition. We left-pondians need all the enjoyable distractions we can find.

    Well done, sir!

    1. A.P. Veening Silver badge

      Re: Dabsy, I've been amused ...

      We left-pondians need all the enjoyable distractions we can find.

      This right-pondian (at least when facing in a northerly direction) needs need all the enjoyable distractions he can find as well.

  12. Fruit and Nutcase Silver badge

    Paging Mr Cynical Dabbs

    Have you got mail or are you just pleased to see me - asks the bloke in the seat in front on the tram

    1. John Brown (no body) Silver badge

      Re: Paging Mr Cynical Dabbs

      "asks the bloke in the seat in front on the tram"

      The driver?

  13. Chris G

    Sleep without drugs or alcohol

    Try reading one of the 'I found jesus' books.

    1. The Oncoming Scorn Silver badge

      Re: Sleep without drugs or alcohol

      Is that like Wheres Wally?

      I wish I'd got a picture of it, earlier this year I passed someone who was dressed pretty much like that.

  14. Neil Barnes Silver badge

    a certain Konohagakure ninja

    Nah... money for nothin' and the chips for free.

    That's the way to do it!

    1. Blane Bramble

      Re: a certain Konohagakure ninja

      You cannot be serious!

  15. mrcook

    Man, you've really outdone yourself on this one! Hilarious!

  16. Doctor Syntax Silver badge

    "Just to show empathy, here's a photo of me filling the major vacuum in my life."

    To show even more empathy, how about setting up a system to forward them each other's marketing emails.

  17. Alistair Dabbs

    Quiet in here, isn't it?

    Is it everyone's day off?

    1. Andrew Scaife

      Re: Quiet in here, isn't it?

      I spent an hour earlier having someone remotely 'fix' my work laptop, after that 'character building' experience I came here for a rest...and refreshment.

  18. N Tropez


    Yes, I saw that AI 'KNITTER' penalty thing - how long before before everyone in the UK is wearing a piece of paper on their chest with the numberplate of their most unfavourite person?

  19. Potemkine! Silver badge


    I didn't know it existed for real. My kid loved to play with the toy version of it from 2 to 5 yo. Ah, Nostalgia...

    "Naruto" had plenty of great generic songs. Another kind of nostalgia...

    Beware Mr. Dabbs, if you continue to send kisses from your crotch to anyone in public places, you could well end in a less pleasant one.

    1. Fruit and Nutcase Silver badge

      Re: Henry!

      "Sucks to be him! How Henry the vacuum cleaner became an accidental design icon"

      icon: Henry (suffering a severe case of jaundice)-->

    2. JassMan

      Re: Henry!

      Not only does Henry exist but also comes in pink and called Hetty, as well as a George, James and Charles. Just search for Numatic Vacuum.

      1. John Brown (no body) Silver badge

        Re: Henry!

        Dabbsy is in France. I can't tell from the photo 'cos some bloke is in the way, but is it not an Henri in France?

      2. Jonathan Richards 1

        Re: Henry!

        Hmm. Alice, Bob, Charles and Eva think that those vacuum cleaner monikers are distinctly non-inclusive.

    3. Dr_N

      Re: Henry!

      Potemkine!> "Naruto" had plenty of great generic songs. Another kind of nostalgia...

      The Halfords-a-like French car service/shops ?

      1. Potemkine! Silver badge

        Re: Henry!

        Great example of greenwashing. "Buy more to save the World"... What a big pile of crap.

    4. Anonymous Coward

      Re: Henry!

      It's made just down the road from here, in Somerset.

      There's a pink one called Henrietta too and others.

  20. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    An article in "The Conversation" suggests that the Covid pandemic is fertile ground for people pushing their religion. It is a human mental defensive trait to deny their mortality and inconsequence in the Universe - which is the same end for all living things.

  21. stiine Silver badge

    Well done. Well done.

  22. Mage

    Bright LED panel

    I got a bright LED "name badge" panel under €10. It's actually a miniature 1 to 8 messages sign with any font, optional scrolling and variable speed. At the brightest setting people looking at you go; "My eyes! Turn it off!".

    I just tried it in my jeans pocket. Can't see it at all.

    There is a x3 more expensive version with Bluetooth. I didn't want to research the security & privacy of that so I got the version charged and programmed via USB.

  23. PM from Hell

    This is actually real

    I thought Dabsy was having an early 1st April but this appears to be a real product. Who the on earth would buy this

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