back to article A crypto-trading hamster is outperforming the S&P 500, Nasdaq, Bitcoin

A cryptocurrency-trading hamster is sending shockwaves through the financial world by generating returns that outperform the S&P 500 index, the Nasdaq 100, and Bitcoin. Goxx Capital, fronted by Mr Goxx, a small brown hamster said by his colleague to be "nearly one year old", has been trading since June this year using a …

  1. Paul Herber Silver badge

    I have a friend from Barcelona asking me whether it is the right time to invest in Siberian Hamsters.

    1. b0llchit Silver badge

      You might also want to invest in the food supply chain for the hamster(s). It is told that the hamster wheel power foods are the key to investment success.

    2. Annihilator

      Wanted, kind home for enormous savage rodent. Answers to the name of Sybil.

    3. NoneSuch Silver badge

      "I have a friend from Barcelona asking me whether it is the right time to invest in Siberian Hamsters."

      Sure, it starts with Siberian Hamsters, but always ends in a volcano lair surrounded by sharks with frikkin laser beams attached to their heads.

    4. Fr. Ted Crilly Bronze badge

      Now look here don't go bringing Basil into the business, river of blood will flow...

  2. karlkarl Silver badge

    This is awesome :)

    I don't claim to understand nearly as much as that hamster. However I am very impressed by his work all the same!

    1. Yet Another Anonymous coward Silver badge

      But the success will go to his head (whiskers?), there will be parties, sunflower seed addiction and fancy wheels - and his performance will drop

    2. katrinab Silver badge

      It is quite simple - replace the hamster with a random number generator, and it will make the same amount of money.

      Replace it with a human, and the human will likely make less money, especially if they are an "expert".

      1. Annihilator

        Is that true though? Pretty sure another random number generator is just as likely to lose the same amount of money. A large enough sample of random number generators will collectively match the S&P 500 and Nasdaq.

    3. tony72

      I'll be fascinated to see how he does long term. I guess he will tend towards the average performance of the basket of coins he's trading, but it'll be great to see if some hamster intuition comes into play.

  3. WolfFan Silver badge

    Hamsters are very intelligent rodents

    Many years ago, some young (then about eight and five years old, respectively) relatives had a pet hamster. The hamster got along with the cat, the dog, and everyone _except_ the girls’ mother. There was instant and intense Do Not Like, rising to the level of attempted biting on the part of the hamster and attempted removal from the house on the part of the mother. Several of the family started calling the hamster’Tribble’ and the mother ‘Klingon’. There was a messy divorce, Klingon not merely didn’t get custody but got barred from the house; Tribble lived out his days undisturbed. Tribble knew how bad she was before the humans in the house did…

    1. imanidiot Silver badge

      Re: Hamsters are very intelligent rodents

      Asshats (especially of the narcissist variety) usually feel no reason to hid their asshattish ways from animals or to hide their true nature like they do to humans. And animals sense that.

  4. theOtherJT Silver badge

    Proof if proof were needed...

    ...that the vast majority of trading - be it in crypo or anything else - is basically random chance and anyone who claims to really understand the market is almost invariably lying.

    1. Disgusted Of Tunbridge Wells Silver badge

      Re: Proof if proof were needed...

      Not really. The hamster could buy or sell ( but not short ). It was operating during a bull market.

      All you have to do during a bull market is buy and hold and it'll go up.

      When he continued to trade when the market turned bearish, he lost money ( profits going down from I think it said £60 to £10 ).

      Had the option to short been available to the hamster he wouldn't have done so well because he'd be occasionally accidentally betting against a bull market.

      1. Natalie Gritpants Jr

        Re: Proof if proof were needed...

        Also, there are 511 other hamsters with similar setup that have not done so well and are currently being fed to Mr Goxx. Very similar to the world cup predicting squid (not coincidentally located near a restaurant)

      2. This post has been deleted by its author

  5. Arthur the cat Silver badge

    Oh dear

    His only goal is becoming a crypto whale one day

    Hamster to whale. Imagine how the transphobes will react.

    1. Precordial thump

      wouldn't be the first time

      Hamlet: Do you see yonder cloud that’s almost in shape of a camel?

      Polonius: By the mass, and ‘tis like a camel, indeed.

      Hamlet: Methinks it is like a weasel.

      Polonius: It is backed like a weasel.

      Hamlet: Or like a whale?

      Polonius: Very like a whale.

      1. Paul Herber Silver badge

        Re: wouldn't be the first time

        or as per Newman and Baddiel's feuding professors:

        a. You see that whale in the distance?

        b. I see that Cetacean surfacing ...

        a. That's the size of your pet hamster, that is.

  6. stewwy


    Proving once again that the financial industry exists to make your money theirs.

  7. BobC

    I've Waited Decades For This!

    Hampster Dance, The Sequel: Dancing For Dollaz!


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