back to article Macmillan best-biscuit list unexpectedly promotes breakfast cereal to treat status

The Macmillan Cancer Support charity has rocked the normally sedate and comfortable world of Britain's biscuit lovers to its very core by publishing a list of the country's favourite biscuits which includes a foodstuff that is very clearly a breakfast cereal. Don't be fooled be the "bix" bit The cake is a lie: Don't be fooled …

  1. Cheese_Conquistador

    I am offended

    The ginger nut is and should be top tier. The term ginger nut has 3 meanings. I don't see your fancy party ring with that accolade.

    1. Martin 47

      Re: I am offended

      Yep the ginger nut plus the dead fly* biscuits are definitely barrel toppers.

      *I believe some people believe that dead fly biscuits should be named after some bald bloke called Gary but this is incorrect.

      1. Steve Foster

        Re: I am offended

        "dead fly biscuits"

        You do, of course, mean fruit shortcake, rather than the reprocessed cardboard named for the bald geezer.

      2. cornetman Silver badge

        Re: I am offended

        Came here to comment on the dead fly biscuits myself.

        Biggest shame about them is that many brands of this often forgotten delight are too damn dry.

        I like a little moisture in my Garibaldis.

        1. CuChulainn Silver badge
          Happy

          Re: I am offended

          I prefer the likes of McVitie's Fruit Shortcake for my dead fly biscuits.

          I remember saying when I first had them as a kid that they looked like dead flies, but never heard anyone else refer to it. I didn't know it was 'a thing' :-)

      3. Mr Humbug

        Re: I am offended

        Ahem. They are 'squashed fly biscuits'. My mum told me they were called that when I was small. I realise that squashed flies are also dead, but not all dead flies are squashed.

    2. Piro Silver badge

      Re: I am offended

      Ginger nuts are indeed fantastic, and their low-tier presence is disturbing.

      It's been a while since I had a fig roll, and they are indeed also excellent, and other classics have also been named, such as shortbread.

      Bourbons are good, but digestives as winners? Where are the Hob-nobs? What about a Club, Penguin, and so on. If we stretch the definition a bit too much, we could even come to Tunnock's caramel wafers..

      I'm now developing quite the hunger...

      1. Disgusted Of Tunbridge Wells Silver badge

        Re: I am offended

        Fig rolls are good. Shortbread is great.

        But for an accompaniment to tea, surely the Hobnob has no worthy challengers.

        1. Kane Silver badge
          Alert

          Re: I am offended

          "Fig rolls are good."

          Only in small numbers. Those of us with *ahem* delicate persuasions need to be careful with how many we can consume.

        2. Mage Silver badge

          Re:Hobnob has no worthy challengers?

          Chocolate hobnobs?

          We told the kids that the crunchy bits are "goblin's toenails". After all Garybaldy has dead flies in it.

          1. ChrisElvidge

            Re: Re:Hobnob has no worthy challengers?

            In my estimation:

            Keebler's Double Chocolate Chip Cookies

            Aldi/Lidl Chocolate Oaties

        3. Anonymous Coward
          Anonymous Coward

          Re: Fig rolls are good.

          As it happens I don't really like figs; but in NZ, as I recall, you can get a date-filled version, which I was most fond of.

        4. Fr. Ted Crilly

          Re: I am offended

          And the gritty crap they leave in the mug?

        5. cyberdemon Silver badge
          Headmaster

          Re: Fig rolls are good

          Yes they are nice, but they are NOT biscuits. They are cakes.

          Even 'cookies' would be a more accurate description for fig rolls than 'biscuits'.

          Biscuits are dry and crunchy: 'bis cuit` meaning 'twice cooked'; i.e. dry and crunchy

      2. AJ MacLeod

        Re: I am offended

        Sorry to disagree but this is important - Clubs, Penguins etc are not biscuits, they're clearly chocolate bars (albeit with varying amounts of biscuit inside.)

        Also - my love of gritty, fibrous wholemeal foods notwithstanding, Hob-nobs are like chocolate digestives made when the factory have run out of flour and are down to sweeping the yard for ingredients!

        1. Neil Barnes Silver badge
          Alert

          Re: I am offended

          Warning: reality error!

          You seem to have mistaken the king of biscuits - the plain chocolate hobnob - for something entirely less palatable.

        2. Piro Silver badge

          Re: I am offended

          They are right on the edge of biscuitness, I'll give you that.

          But you have to admit, there's a fair bit of biscuit in a Penguin or Club. That said, the focus is, I agree, the chocolate. I just had to throw them in so they weren't entirely forgotten (the caramel wafer is clearly not a biscuit).

          1. innominatus

            Re: I am offended

            Kit Kat with a cuppa - 'nuff said...

      3. D@v3

        Re: Tunnock's caramel wafers

        oooo, haven't had one of them in a while. Good shout.

        1. idiot taxpayer here again

          Re: Tunnock's caramel wafers

          EXCUSE ME? Tunnocks caramel wafers? Unless you are a gastronomic philistine, I think you will find that you mean't to write Gray Dunn caramel wafers.

          1. Les Matthew

            Re: Tunnock's caramel wafers

            If you are Scottish there is only one caramel wafer!

            1. Fruit and Nutcase Silver badge

              Re: Tunnock's caramel wafers

              I'm not Scottish, but I'd have to agree about Tunnock's caramel wafers.

          2. John McCallum
            Angel

            Re: Tunnock's caramel wafers

            Unfortunatly Grey Dunn went bust, RIP and as for Fig Rolls as long as they are cut before baking great if not no thank you.

        2. LybsterRoy Bronze badge

          Re: Tunnock's caramel wafers

          As a diabetic I use the plain chocolate variety for when I feel my blood glucose slipping - great excuse

      4. Andrew Barr

        Re: I am offended

        I would just like to say that a penguin is purely a bourbon with a chocolatey coat on.

        1. Mast1
          Coat

          Re: I am offended

          Chocolate covered bourbon ? I thought that would be called a chocolate liqueur, definitely not a biscuit.

      5. CuChulainn Silver badge
        Meh

        Penguin, etc.

        The problem is that nothing - absolutely nothing - tastes as good as it once did.

        They messed up chocolate by removing loads of the sugar, then messing with the milk content. Then the salt. And the fat.

        Last night, for the first time in years, I bought some fresh apple and cream turnovers, and a couple of small strawberry and cream cakes from Asda.

        Absolutely tasteless.

        They've done precisely the same with biscuits. And everything else.

        1. skeptical i
          Unhappy

          Re: Penguin, etc.

          re: "The problem is that nothing - absolutely nothing - tastes as good as it once did."

          Agreed. Not sure if it's because my tastes have changed with age (things I used to eat by the spadeful as a kid make me vaguely queasy now), if manufacturers have reduced the quality of their recipes and ingredients, or both.

          1. Terry 6 Silver badge

            Re: Penguin, etc.

            I do wonder about this. Maybe it's just my increasing age ( as if there were any other kind) but Maltesers and Shreddies no longer seem as malty. I don't get that loss of flavour from many products so I think it's not me. I'm guessing that the beancounters decided that the cost of malt could be reduced and cheaper sugar added, at some point.

        2. Dr Scrum Master

          Re: Penguin, etc.

          Last night, for the first time in years, I bought some fresh apple and cream turnovers, and a couple of small strawberry and cream cakes from Asda.

          I think the "from Asda" is the key piece of information. I bought some bread from Asda about 14 years ago - absolutely awful stuff.

        3. Anonymous Coward
          Anonymous Coward

          Re: Penguin, etc.

          I don't want to worry you but isn't loss of smell/taste a symptom of a headline-grabbing viral infection?

          1. Terry 6 Silver badge

            Re: Penguin, etc.

            Not if it's malted cereal specific and/or longer than a couple of years ago.

    3. Chris G Silver badge

      Re: I am offended

      I too am deeply offended by the relegation of the ginger nut an essential adjunct to both tea and coffee.

      Shortcake fingers also play an important part in the enjoyment of a cuppa.

      Regarding the 'biscuit' status of Weetabix, it does comply in terms of construction and shape, take a look at a carpenter's biscuit jointer for example. However, as a dunkable accompaniment to tea or coffee, it fails abysmally.

      On a slight side note: should you ever find yourself stuck with a less than quaffable fed wine, try dunking ginger nuts in it. It works surprisingly well.

      1. Anonymous Kiwi

        Re: I am offended

        Let not us forget hot or cold chocolate (yes, the latter is a thing)!

    4. AW-S

      Re: I am offended

      Ginger Nuts are generally suitable for vegans too - placing them at the top of my list.

      p.s. did I mention I'm vegan.

      1. Claverhouse Silver badge

        Re: I am offended

        Vegan here too. But generally I prefer oatcakes. Particularly Stockans..

    5. DJV Silver badge

      Re: I am offended

      What! No mention of Royal Scot and Lincoln Creams? The former may have become extinct many years ago but the latter apparently still live on if you manage to hunt them down.

  2. Andy 68

    Your analysis is correct in absolutely every particular - because it accords with my own opinion^H^H^H^H^H^Hfact.

    There is no reason for argument in the comments - this matter is not up for debate, and closed.

  3. lglethal Silver badge
    Trollface

    The absolute best biscuit in the World is the Australian Tim Tam.

    The only people foolish enough to argue this point are those that have yet to experience its Chocolatey delight. Or Crazy People.

    End of Argument.

    1. Joe W Silver badge

      Yes, while reading the article and that half baked list I too was thinking of (and longing for) Tim Tams. I saw something almost but not entirely quite like them in Norway once, though I have forgotten the name under which they were sold.

      I'll stumble across to the next building, me and some office mates have a freezer with ice cream there. There are no cookies, nor biscuits in the office (though I need to check with a certain colleague...)

      1. 9Rune5

        but not entirely quite like them in Norway once

        Kvikk Lunsj.

        1. JetSetJim Silver badge

          Kvikk Lunsj is a Kit Kat, plain and simple, although they used to have interesting survival tips on the back of the packaging, which I miss reading.

          Nowt like a Tim Tam, from the description.

          1. JetSetJim Silver badge

            Personally, I prefer the Lohengrin and Mandelstang to Kvikk Lunsj, but fond memories of all of them. That and liquorice boats, but not the salted versions.

        2. Joe W Silver badge

          Going "på ski" is just not the same without kvikk lunsj and an orange...

          I had half an hour from my office to the løype, how I envied (still do) my friends up in the North, where you can (almost) ski from the office (or from the doorstep of their homes).

    2. Wyrdness

      I've never tried Tim Tams, but Anzacs are amazingly good.

    3. Mage Silver badge

      Oreos

      Not sure why people in Ireland buy this American snack made from recycled road surface.

      I tried it once in the late 1990s.

      1. John Brown (no body) Silver badge
        Pirate

        Re: Oreos

        Yes, the colour implies an intense chocolatey taste should be forthcoming whereas actually biting into it thoroughly disabuses one of that notion. I felt cheated when I tried one for the first time and was sorely tempted to write to the Advertising Standards Agency before I realised that it would be a waste of my valuable biscuit eating time.

      2. Mast1

        Re: Oreos

        I first met the word as the name of the upcoming band in the Streisand/Kristofferson re-make of "A star is born". A script line that would not "cut the biscuit" nowadays: spoken by the compere introducing Barbara Streisand centre stage between two of the "three degrees".

      3. CuChulainn Silver badge
        Happy

        Re: Oreos

        They give me wicked heartburn.

        1. Ken Moorhouse Silver badge

          Re: Oreos They give me wicked heartburn.

          You're supposed to chew them, not swallow whole.

      4. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: Oreos

        not 'road surface'... recycled roofing tiles

        How do they make them so hard? Navy 'Hard Tack' is a 'pink wafer' compared to these

        Are they designed by BigDental to break teeth?

    4. Diogenes

      Close second to Tim Tam is the mint slice and very close 3rd is the iced vovo.

    5. mad_dr

      Hate to disagree but...

      Tim Tams use the same, gross mock-chocolate recipe used in chocolate bars in North America. We don't need to get into the technicalities of Butterfats, cocoa solids and milk solids, etc but to most Brits, a Tim Tam is just an expensive Penguin with bad-tasting chocolate.

      I generally have to import chocolate into Canada from the UK because my palate will never desensitize itself to the point of being able to forget what British chocolate tastes like and will never accept what North American chocolate tastes like. Even Lindt has a different recipe over here to make it take more palatable to the locals.

      1. Terry 6 Silver badge

        Re: Hate to disagree but...

        Taste or texture? Or both. I remember trying a Hershey Bar once. Once.

        Because it had the texture of wet cement. As well as not tasting of much. I now know, decades later, having recently been to the York Chocolate Experience that the smoothness in chocolate comes from a long mixing period. That those American bars don't seem to get.

        I'm quite happy with English chocolate, or Swiss, or even Belgian. Milk or plain (though not Bourneville) Even white, though strictly speaking that isn't chocolate - it's cocoa butter. But not American stuff.

      2. VerySlowData

        Re: Hate to disagree but...

        I'll have you know that Tim Tams are available with proper Dark Chocolate coating!!! Penguin bars (my step-daughter brought some back from the UK a few years back) are a bitter disappointment...

      3. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: Hate to disagree but... american chocolate tastes of vomit

        Brits tasting American mass market chocolate often dislike the soapy taste even describing it as “like vomit”, there’s a reason, a common US manufacturing process develops butyric acid (present in vomit). But Americans expect and prefer that taste.

  4. lglethal Silver badge
    Angel

    Weetbix

    Weetbix might be the best cereal there is. But it is no more of a biscuit than a rash of bacon is. Hmmm Bacon....

    1. Fred Dibnah

      Re: Weetbix

      But it's not even the best cereal - Oatibix is better.

      This study is hugely flawed because it fails to distinguish between McV's milk chocolate digestives (OK if nothing else available) and dark chocolate digestives (absolutely the best biscuit in the world ever, no argument).

      These are facts, not opinions.

      1. AJ MacLeod

        Re: Weetbix

        The only fact obvious here is that your taste buds are broken! (I'll give you the Oatibix though, I dare say it's the superior texture you are appreciating.)

      2. CuChulainn Silver badge
        Pint

        Re: Weetbix

        Absolutely 100 million upvotes for Oatibix.

        Oatibix flakes, naturally.

    2. Antron Argaiv Silver badge
      Thumb Up

      Re: Weetbix

      Spend some time in Australia as a child. Weetabix. 'Nuf said.

      1. VerySlowData

        Re: Weetbix

        VitaBrits FTW!!!

    3. 9Rune5

      Re: Weetbix

      I saw the picture of a weetabix with some red currant and that is why I clicked on the article. I harvested about three liters of currants from my garden this summer and most of it was put to good use in a weetabix bowl filled with milk (sadly Swedish milk only contains 3% fat, but that is another story).

    4. CuChulainn Silver badge
      Happy

      Re: Weetbix

      Weetabix used to be great.

      But they messed with it, as they usually do, and it isn't patch on what it used to be. They're too light and airy now.

  5. Stephendeg

    Great marketing - I hope some profits go to the charity

    The wetabix marketing team have done this before with baked beans. I hope some of the profits go to the charity.

    1. Terry 6 Silver badge

      Re: Great marketing - I hope some profits go to the charity

      I have no doubt that this is all a marketing strategy for the charity. And I assume that Weetabix' owners/ad agency have donated the campaign. The use of the word "cookies" unused in the UK other than as a suffix to "Chocolate Chip" suggests an American owned agency.

      Good luck to them. I hope the (totally pointless and artificially induced) controversies roll on, and that MacMillan's* good work gets the funding it needs.

      *Other cancer charities and hospices are available, often quite small ones and also in dire need of funding.

    2. xyz123

      Re: Great marketing - I hope some profits go to the charity

      I don't think baked beans go well with tea OR coffee. Really hard to dip them in one by one without burning your fingers.

    3. Paul Kinsler Silver badge

      Re: wetabix

      I'm a bit concerned. Are really you allowed to turn those remarkably elegant, impressive, New Zealand dwelling insects into biscuits?

      I'm horrified.

      :-)

  6. albaleo

    Tea biscuits inspire creativity and help develop life skills

    My mum used to make something she called Australian Fudge by crushing tea biscuits, mixing various things (butter, sugar, dead flies, etc.), spreading it on a tray, and coating it with chocolate. And when I was about four, I got to do the crushing with a rolling pin - an important life skill.

    Tea biscuits also tend to be safer for dunking in your tea - an important lesson we all learned as youngsters.

    1. Anonymous Kiwi

      Re: Tea biscuits inspire creativity and help develop life skills

      Sounds like an adequate mixture for lollie cake if it was any more moist and had colourful marshmallowy thingies on it

  7. Disgusted Of Tunbridge Wells Silver badge
    Paris Hilton

    I was going to suggest that El Reg should do their own biscuit-off, but upon reading their incorrect opinion about the magnificent Rich Tea biscuit, they can sod right off.

    ( Although the plain hobnob is surely the champion )

  8. Data Mangler

    They're not totally bonkers.

    At least they didn't grace the execrable Oreos with so much as a mention.

    1. Piro Silver badge

      Re: They're not totally bonkers.

      I don't see why we had to import such things, when we already have custard creams and bourbons.

      1. Joe W Silver badge

        Re: They're not totally bonkers.

        well, those two, as well as a good selection of other cookies / biscuits that actually taste quite nice, which is much more than can be said about that abomination mentioned above.

        1. Piro Silver badge

          Re: They're not totally bonkers.

          I just meant that those two are most similar to the Oreo in design. Many other excellent biscuits and snacks are available.

      2. idiot taxpayer here again

        Re: They're not totally bonkers.

        @Piro

        Oreos are bloody awful things and as such don't even qualify as distant cousins to custard creams and bourbons.

        Please consider yourself told off

    2. Jay 2

      Re: They're not totally bonkers.

      Indeed. I found it quite humorous that when first launched in the UK they came with the whole marketing campaign of how you "should" eat them which apparently involves prising them apart, licking them, dunking them in milk and other such gimmicks.

      Fortunately I'm pretty sure the good folks of the UK just ignored all this nonsense, assuming they actually purchased the damn things. I don't think they're anything special, pretty much like a different shaped Bourbon.

  9. Doctor Syntax Silver badge

    Obvious case of having handed decision making to AI.

  10. Cederic Silver badge

    sigh

    I think they're trolling us. They can't possibly believe that list.

    Although I do remain utterly bewildered by the miserable inability of supermarkets to offer chocolate cookies made _with_ chocolate and not covered in it. Similarly chocolate digestives are a sticky fingered horror that ruins the enjoyment of a tasty crumbling masterpiece.

    My cupboard right now has custard creams and bourbons in it. Cheap, filling and lacking in pretentiousness.

  11. GlenP Silver badge

    All This...

    ...is making me hungry!

    Time for the elevenses* biscuits I think, for the record they're Ginger Nuts.

    *How well the day is going determines whether they are, in fact, consumed at eleven o'clock, on a bad day it an be as early as nine!

    1. KarMann Silver badge
      Flame

      Re: All This...

      I believe you have the cart before the horse. Whether elevenses are consumed at eleven determines how well the day is going, clearly.

  12. Jonathon Green
    Coat

    I contend that the Ginger Nut is in fact effectively Schrodingers biscuit being simultaneously a top tier and lowest rung biscuit being simultaneously one of the worst and one of the best biscuits until its state vector collapses in one of two ways depending on the presence or absence of a cup of tea to dunk it in when the packet is opened.

    1. Jedit
      Boffin

      "Ginger Nut is in fact effectively Schrodingers biscuit"

      They're more of a paradox. On the one hand, a good ginger nut is a very tasty biscuit. On the other, everyone knows that gingers have no friends. Thus, to quote noted biscuitologist Charles Dickens:

      "It was the best of snacks, it was the worst of snacks..."

      1. John Brown (no body) Silver badge

        Re: "Ginger Nut is in fact effectively Schrodingers biscuit"

        Ginger Nuts are disgusting! Controversial, I know, but I'm sure the silent majority, afraid to post their true feelings in light of the proselytisers already posting here (probably astroturfers in the pay of Big Ginger).

        My wife is one of those weird Ginger Nut fans (she also likes Marmite, oh the humanity!) and knows how to keep me out of the biscuit barrel. She "accidentally forgets" and puts Ginger Nuts in which then infects all the other wonderful biscuits with a disgusting Ginger infusion!

  13. Kane Silver badge
    Flame

    Custard Creams lower tier than Chocolate Bourbons?

    Outrageous!

    1. Terry 6 Silver badge

      Re: Custard Creams lower tier than Chocolate Bourbons?

      Over the many years of dull, banal and often pointless compulsory teachers' In Service Training days I can say with certainty that only the presence (or absence) of Custard Cream biccies was of significance to the day.

  14. Annihilator Silver badge

    Biscoff Biscoff Biscoff

    You've clearly not seen the new king of biscuits. Biscoff (the little cinnamon/burnt sugar thing you get with a cup of coffee) have launched a custard-cream-style version, with either chocolate, vanilla or even (brace yourself) biscoff flavour cream centres. In my eyes, there are no other biscuits anymore.

  15. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Relax everyone, it's not important

    This time next year the debate in the UK will be about the best kind of sawdust to make biscuits from.

    1. Doctor Syntax Silver badge

      Re: Relax everyone, it's not important

      Sawdust? You think in a year's time we'll be able to get sawdust?

      1. Ken Moorhouse Silver badge

        Re: You think in a year's time we'll be able to get sawdust?

        They'll be bringing out a new cereal called Ready Brexit next...

        Downvotes?

        Bring-em-on!

  16. Wally Dug
    Facepalm

    Cherry Jaffa Cakes

    Did you know that you can buy cherry Jaffa Cakes? How on earth is that possible? More importantly, WHY is it posible?

    To be totally honest, I'm surprised that the world is still existing despite this dastardly abuse of cakery by McVities.

    I mean, cherry? Jaffa? Urgh!

    *shivers at the outrageous thought*

    Disclaimer: I have nothing against cherries, jaffas or cakes. But cherry Jaffa Cakes? *sighs*

    1. AJ MacLeod

      Re: Cherry Jaffa Cakes

      Frankly anything (Oreo excepted) has to be better tasting than the conventional "hint of bile" Jaffa Cake. I'm sorry to have to say it, but it's true - they're revolting in taste, smell and above all texture.

    2. Disgusted Of Tunbridge Wells Silver badge

      Re: Cherry Jaffa Cakes

      I found out yesterday that you can buy orange flavoured Vimto.

      What is the world coming to when Vimto comes in flavours other than Vimto?

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: Cherry Jaffa Cakes

        You should write a strongly worded letter of complaint to your local newspaper.

        1. Ken Moorhouse Silver badge

          Re: You should write a strongly worded letter of complaint to your local newspaper.

          The headline?

          That takes the biscuit.

    3. Annihilator Silver badge

      Re: Cherry Jaffa Cakes

      You can also get lime ones. And pineapple. They're all abominations.

      On a slightly related note, saw you can also get mint & orange flavour After Eights too. Orange ones, I could understand. But mint & orange??

    4. Dave559 Silver badge

      Re: Cherry Jaffa Cakes

      As well as normal orange jaffa cakes, Lidl does not only cherry ones, but also raspberry ones and strawberry ones whenever the weekly specials globe of international delicacies spins its way around to Polish week. I'm not particularly keen on the strawberry ones, but the other two are yummy!

  17. Sam Therapy
    Unhappy

    First of all, having recently had me first dealings with Macmillan nurses - and very nice they are, too - since I was diagnosed with cancer, they can say what they bloody well want because, well, they're lovely people. They're right about Chocolate Digestives being top, in any case, so there's that.

    Finally, the writer should know better than to say sugar causes hyperactivity in kids. Rotten teeth, yes. Hyperactivity, no.

    So there.

    1. This post has been deleted by its author

    2. Wally Dug

      Totally agree about the Macmillan Nurses, wonderful people who work quietly in the background.

      Good luck, Sam.

      1. Sam Therapy

        Thanks, mate. Prostate cancer, so it's not too bad, as things go. Everyone says it's the one to have, if you have to have cancer at all.

        Anyhow, I have to see Urology tomorrow but I think they're taking the piss. :D

        1. Wally Dug

          *Groan*

          Anyone that I've known that's had that, Sam, has survived, so, yeah, go and kick it's ass.

    3. Terry 6 Silver badge

      Yeah. We still hear the "sugar rush" type myths bandied about by parents.

      It was always bollox and for a long time now it's been thoroughly debunked. But it still goes on.

      1. John Brown (no body) Silver badge

        Tartrazine for the win :-)

  18. Graham Dawson Silver badge
    Coat

    So we've got the Bourbon biscuits and the Garibaldi biscuits, but where's the Peek Freans Trotsky Assortment?

    Revolutionary biscuits of Italy

    Rise up out of your box

    You have nothing to lose but your wafers!

    Yum yum yum yum yum

    ... yes, the one with the complete Young Ones DVD set in the pocket, please. No, I'll see myself out. No, you don't need to call the police.

  19. aje21
    FAIL

    No mention of the best dunking biscuit there is - the Malted Milk

    My top list would be biased against anything with chocolate (though that was not always the case so will allow Plain Chocolate Digestives an honorary top-rank rating based on my younger days), but how can the Malted Milk not be there in the list?

    Shorties also make a good dunking biscuit, preferable the rectangular one rather than the round ones...

    1. Fr. Ted Crilly

      Re: No mention of the best dunking biscuit there is - the Malted Milk

      There a handicraft aspect too, can you chisel the 'cow' out of the milky crumbly goodness with a paperclip?

  20. steelpillow Silver badge
    Megaphone

    Weetabix is king!

    You guys must spend too much time following Linus' example of eating raw pasta.

    If you have never breakfasted on a Weetabix or two spread thick with butter and a good, coarse-cut marmalade, you have never lived!

    1. Pascal Monett Silver badge

      Re: Weetabix is king!

      Pah! You can keep your sawdust-filled excuse for an edible breakfast.

      I will always prefer pancakes smothered in Maple syrup, three spicy sausages and a side of scambled eggs with bacon bits.

      I know how to live.

      1. Graham Dawson Silver badge

        Re: Weetabix is king!

        Dump the pancakes. Too many carbs.

      2. Disgusted Of Tunbridge Wells Silver badge

        Re: Weetabix is king!

        Pudding? For breakfast?

      3. John Brown (no body) Silver badge

        Re: Weetabix is king!

        "I will always prefer pancakes smothered in Maple syrup, three spicy sausages and a side of scambled eggs with bacon bits."

        OMG, Sweet'n'Sour breakfast! You heathen! I'll take a guess and assume you are a colonial who knows no better and that what you call bacon is actually thinly sliced belly pork, so getting maple syrup on it is probably doing it a favour.

      4. Ken Moorhouse Silver badge

        Re: scambled eggs

        Pascal:-

        I can see that you've been spending far too much time commenting in The Reg Security topics.

    2. Ken Moorhouse Silver badge

      Re: a Weetabix or two spread thick with butter

      Yes, I liked that too.

      Never occurred to anyone the reason I permanently felt awful was that I had a gluten intolerance.

      1. steelpillow Silver badge

        Re: a Weetabix or two spread thick with butter

        Sorry to hear that. Gluten-free weety-type-bix cereals are available, though I dared not check the price tags.

        1. Ken Moorhouse Silver badge

          Re: Gluten Intolerance

          I have found the best thing for gluten intolerance (for me at least) is rye bread. Smells revolting but I'd rather that than my stomach grumbling incessantly all day, every day. For cereal its Frosties for me. This may contain some gluten but it's all about degree, it's not like a nut allergy where even a trace can cause distress or death, even.

  21. disgruntled yank Silver badge

    Two nations divided by a common language.

    In the US, a biscuit is a quick bread made with baking powder (or perhaps for the old-timers baking soda). Biscuits form a larger part of southern food, for the hotter weather makes for less protein in wheat, so southern wheat is less suitable for yeast breads. They go very well with coffee, particularly if you slather on some ham gravy.

    1. John Brown (no body) Silver badge

      Re: Two nations divided by a common language.

      Yeah, "biscuits" in the US seem to be closer to a plain scone than a proper biscuit :-)

  22. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Who makes your biscuits?

    One thing missed off the article and in the comments is: Not all biscuits are created equal.

    If you look at a cheap packet of bourbon biscuits you'll probably see no cocoa on the ingredients list, lots of palm oil and cheap ingredients.

    With friends I did a taste test and the only biscuits that seemed to be consistently good quality were Marks&Spencers. Their dark chocolate digestive uses brown sugar and seems high quality. No waxy oil texture and fake chocolate flavour. Same quality for their ginger nuts and bourbon biscuits.

    I have noticed degradation in the biscuit quality over the last 40 years and I think it's manufacturers and supermarkets trying to drive down the cost of a packet, but quality is better than quantity. Short of DIY, is there a list of biscuits that have maintained the original ingredients and quality? Some brands are really poor, even Waitrose's digestives are awful.

    1. Brewster's Angle Grinder Silver badge

      Re: Who makes your biscuits?

      Also the drive to reduce sugar and salt and fat.

      I had some McVities iced gems the other day (as the conclusion to a lettuce=based joke). They were flavourless cardboard with virtually no discernable sweetness.

      Likewise modern party rings wouldn't give a kid a sugar high.

      1. AJ MacLeod

        Re: Who makes your biscuits?

        Iced gems have been flavourless cardboard for as long as I can remember having eaten them - three decades at least. I'm sure party rings had a little bit of flavour (mostly sweetness) in them at one time though I was thoroughly underwhelmed last time I tried one.

  23. Doctor Syntax Silver badge

    Despite the divergence of views on individual biscuits can we agree on one thing? Any product which is reduced in size from its original should be permanently disqualified.

    1. jonathan keith Silver badge

      When I were a lad a McVitie's Digestive was the size of a dinner plate etc. etc.

    2. John Brown (no body) Silver badge
      Thumb Up

      Should Wagon Wheels be legally forced to rename as Shopping Trolley Wheels?

      1. Doctor Syntax Silver badge

        I've called them Wheelbarrow Wheels for a long time but I realise you've nailed it.

  24. D@v3

    just a couple of things

    mainly here to agree with everyone else about the severe misclassification of ginger nuts.

    also, bourbons are (slightly) better than digestives because a huge pack of reasonable quality bourbons is considerably cheaper than a normal size pack of reasonable quality digestives. and, bourbons are great.

    where are the plain chocolate hobnobs?

    Jaffa cakes are not biscuits, and either way, are vile and need to be destroyed by fire.

    1. 45RPM Silver badge

      Re: just a couple of things

      Fie sir! Better a chocolate digestive than a chocolate hobnob (although I wouldn’t say no to the latter!), and what have you got against Jaffa Cakes? Agreed, they aren’t biscuits, and they should never be stored in the same tin - but they’re delicious nonetheless.

      1. Terry 6 Silver badge

        Re: just a couple of things

        And one of your five-a-day surely!

  25. 45RPM Silver badge

    The Jammie Dodger is a top tier biscuit, and are we allowed to admit a Penguin into that category too?

    The pink wafer, along with the party ring and Rich Tea are appalling confections which cause me to shudder involuntarily - even though I know for sure that there are none in the house, and than therefore do me no harm. Honestly, I’d rather dunk a weetabix.

  26. Howard Sway Silver badge
    Linux

    Madeleine?

    Unless I've been very unobservant and missed some horrible imposter in the biscuit aisle, that is most definitely a little vanilla cake, not a biscuit.

    Icon, because my desk-reachable biscuits are stashed in a foot high McVities branded Penguin shaped ceramic bicuit barrel, that I found in a charity shop.

    1. Chris Evans

      Re: Madeleine?

      Even if it was a biscuit it's very much an also ran.

  27. NXM

    Would it help if you coated weetabixes in chocolate? Would that make them a proper biscuit?

    I'm a big fan of the Choco Leibniz, but I realise they're really a piece of chocolate with a small embedded biscuit, so not really biscuits at all.

  28. myhandler

    That'll be *brouhaha* for the heading... not 'brewhaha'

    Or was the sub-ed thinking it witty with a cuppa?

    1. John Brown (no body) Silver badge
      Windows

      The latter, obviously!

      Your sign-up date shows you are not new here. Are you just weird?

  29. Fr. Ted Crilly

    what are they smoking over at Macmillan...

    No foxes Crunch Creams, are they in denial of this princeling amongst biscuits?

    As for Bourbons, dry turd coloured things, mutter mutter mutter....

  30. Fr. Ted Crilly
    Devil

    and another thing...

    Brown French fancies, why?

  31. Andrew Barr

    Nice...

    Nice or Nice biscuits, they are really nice.

    Also the sugar definitely improves the taste of the tea

    1. jonathan keith Silver badge

      Re: Nice...

      ... also the subject of the finest letter ever printed in Viz, IMHO.

      "'Are Nice biscuits pronounced Nice or Nice? I always pronounce it Nice, but my wife insists that it is Nice.' Barry Macbeth, Barnes."

      1. Doctor Syntax Silver badge

        Re: Nice...

        You say either and I say either.

  32. MJI Silver badge

    Hmm

    Top tier is Milk Chocolate Digestives and Custard Creams

    Weetabix are top tier breakfast cereal.

    For oats make porridge

  33. Chris Evans

    Royal Scot

    I must admit they are not top flight but I miss Royal Scot. They don't normally sell them any more but occasionally McVities included them in their Christmas box of mixed biscuits. They have a distinctive salty taste. For a moment google seemed to tell me I could buy a packet for £1.20 https://shepherdminiatures.com/product/royal-scot-biscuits/ only to find it's a 20mm long miniature for a dolls house:-(

    1. Doctor Syntax Silver badge

      Re: Royal Scot

      Add Gypsy Creams to the list of the departed. I believe they've been brought back under the PC name of Romany Creams but I've never seen them.

  34. Alistair

    Just to be an objectionable Canuck in the biscuit crowd

    I'll toss in a beavertail.

    It covers all yer bikkies and more.

  35. Zarno Silver badge
    Happy

    Girl Scout Cookies.

    Samoas top my "must nom" list.

    Thin mints are a close second.

    Dang it, all my boxes are currently 700 miles away in a freezer...

    Those girls sure know how to make you spend the cash, I rarely leave with less than a case when I find that first order sheet/cookie stand.

  36. msobkow Silver badge

    What about the Australian Tim-Tam? I recently found them at a store in little old Yorkton, Saskatchewan, Canada (pop. 17,000.) They came highly recommended by Aussie friends and were the most decadent thing I have ever eaten, and well deserving of their reputation.

    Granted they are not a UK biscuit, but if they're including Weetabix, I think they must be including non-UK products in their search. Give our brothers and sisters down south at the bottom of the world a chance to compete - they just might surprise you! :)

    1. AJ MacLeod

      They've been making Weetabix in England for nearly 100 years, I think it probably qualifies as a UK product!

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Weetabix is indeed an English product.

        Weet-Bix is the antipodean (and original) version.

  37. Ivan Headache

    I’ve taken a liking to Dutch Stroopwaffles since I found them during my last trip to Costco.

    It says to each them with coffee.

    They don’t crunch so I suppose that makes them non-biscuits.

    With regard to chocolate hobnobs. Is it possible to eat only one?

    It seems that once I open the packet I run out of them..

  38. SuperGeek

    Jaffa cakes ARE biscuits!

    Leave one out for a week and you'll see! Although it may be more Gobstopper territory by then! Mmm orange Gobstopper! :)

    1. Piro Silver badge

      Re: Jaffa cakes ARE biscuits!

      You've stumbled on the reason why they're cakes: they go hard when you leave them out.

      Biscuits go soft when you leave them out.

  39. the Jim bloke Silver badge
    FAIL

    Definitive definition of the difference between biscuits and cookies

    Having become exposed to the "cookies" proliferating throughout convenience food outlets, I have determined that a "cookie" is something resembling a biscuit, but made with far too much sugar. Probably high fructose corn syrup, at that. Is it any wonder that the rest of the world hates America?

    There is a place for excessive sugar.. and that is the filling, and/or coating of the biscuit.

    1. Piro Silver badge

      Re: Definitive definition of the difference between biscuits and cookies

      I personally consider a cookie the large, fudgy kind, better if they're warm.

      There are also several biscuits rammed with chocolate chips that are called cookies, so it's just easier to call them cookies, even though they could also be considered biscuits.

    2. Ken Moorhouse Silver badge

      Re: Having become exposed to the "cookies" proliferating throughout convenience food outlets

      Ah, but when you go in there the shop hides the other ones because they just know which ones you prefer.

      Best before you go in there to wear a false beard. Not sure how you would otherwise delete cookies in a bricks and mortar environment.

  40. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    No mention of the king of biscuits...

    There may be other contenders for this accolade but it is obviously the Bath Oliver. It is intended as a robust platform for cheese unlike those crumbly flaking "cream crackers" and related abominations apparently popular among those with a less discriminating palate. Any premium restaurant that serves anything other than the noble Bath Oliver with the cheese-board should be stripped of any star rating, I would propose that the proprietor be the beneficiary of a public flogging but apparently that's frowned upon these days.

    Of course Stilton is the ideal choice of cheese but even some of those continental cheeses can be rendered acceptable with a proper biscuit.

    Bath Oliver may not be sweet, chocolate coated, or filled with sugary paste but it is a _proper_ biscuit unlike some of the other contenders - fig rolls? Weetabix? Carame Wafers? Jaffa Cakes (what self respecting biscuit would try to pass itself off as a cake?) What is the world coming to!

    The scoundrels at United Biscuits ceased production of this historic national treasure in 2020 citing Covid as their spurious justification. The news headlined not only in the quality press but was even covered by the tabloids. In response to the justifiable outrage and the creation of "The Bath Oliver Preservation Society" they made another batch.

    Ensure your local cheesemonger/ delicatessen/ grocer carries stock or move your custom to a better class of vendor for your essential comestibles.

  41. ShadowDragon8685

    I've eaten Weetabix straight.

    It's not a terribly pleasant experience - it's a terribly messy one - but it can be done!

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