back to article Lost in IKEA? So, it seems, is Windows

Microsoft Windows flaunts itself upon the screens of IKEA as the not-at-all creepy setup screens pose an unanswerable question – can we use your location? The problem, as any visitor to the retail giant will attest, is actually knowing where one is in the temple of flatpacked furniture. We've certainly spent many an hour …

  1. deadlockvictim Silver badge

    IKEA

    My wife and I have an unspoken rule about IKEA — we go there separately and we don't comment on what the other bought.

    My wife does sometimes bait me by asking me if she has spent too much (at IKEA) but I'm too clever to go down that road.

    I just wait for the bills at the end of the month for an idea to see if too much money has actually been spent.

    BTW people, it is pronounced 'ii-kay-ya', not 'ai-ki-ya' or 'oi-ki-ya'. You know who you are.

    1. GreyWolf

      Re: IKEA

      Nope. It is pronounced ee-kay-ah.

      "Fluent Swedish speaker"

      1. TRT Silver badge

        Re: IKEA

        Ecky-Ah!

        Spoken like a true weapons-grade black pudding wielding northerner!

        1. wjake
          Joke

          Re: IKEA

          Isn't IKEA just another made-up ford in the home furnishings vocabulary? I mean, does it matter how you pronounce, of if you can pronounce it? (HEJNE? SMASTAD?)

          1. TRT Silver badge

            Re: IKEA

            A group of people I knew once had a native Swedish speaker amongst them, and for amusement they had a game called The Ikea Game, where they picked a product name out of the catalogue at random and (1) had to try to pronounce it correctly and (2) the others then had to guess what kind of product it was.

            Well... I suppose it must have helped pass the time.

      2. keith_w Bronze badge

        Re: IKEA

        Nope, it is pronounced "I'm not going there"

      3. chivo243 Silver badge
        Go

        Re: IKEA

        I drive a Kia, to IKEA!

        1. MatthewSt

          Re: IKEA

          Using your Nokia in a Kia near IKEA?

      4. John Brown (no body) Silver badge

        Re: IKEA

        Nope. It is pronounced ee-kay-ah.

        "Fluent Swedish speaker"

        And there's your first mistake. It's pronounced however the locals want to pronounce it, despite any efforts on the part of the marketing department.

        Even Lidl have given up trying to pronounce if Lie Dull in the adverts and now use slogans like "In the middle of Lidl" etc. And don't even get me started on that poncy sounding Nestlé!! When I was growing up, the adverts on telly clearly shouted about "Nessels" Milky Bar and the Milky Bar kid (who was strong and tough!)

        On a more real note, just name the capital cities of Europe using both your own native language and then the local language and see how many match up perfectly :-)

      5. deadlockvictim Silver badge

        Re: IKEA

        Point taken.

        I should have used the IPA.

        My transcription was too vague.

        I had intended it to be the Germanic 'i'-sound.

  2. GreyWolf

    Lost in IKEA? Don't be so f**ing feeble.

    IKEA has maps, which tell you where you are and where the shortcuts are.

    Use the f***ing maps, Luke.

    Those who do not pay attention are doomed to repeat their wandering until they dry up and blow away like tumbleweed.

    We who have been IKEA customers since 1972 (when there were only two IKEA stores in the world) remember a time when there were no f***ing maps in IKEA. No feebleness permitted then, I can tell you.

    1. chivo243 Silver badge
      Coat

      Re: Lost in IKEA? Don't be so f**ing feeble.

      Her in NL, you can only go one general direction in IKEA, swimming upstream is frowned upon, Just follow everybody else, they're leaving too!

    2. DrXym Silver badge

      Re: Lost in IKEA? Don't be so f**ing feeble.

      Saying they have maps somewhere is missing the point this is a deliberate and cynical effort by IKEA to separate as much money from people as possible and fuck anyone who wants to get out of the place but can't find the shortcuts.

    3. Flocke Kroes Silver badge

      Re: Lost in IKEA? Don't be so f**ing feeble.

      Only got dragged there once. There were no maps but no chance of getting lost. The only possible route was boustrophedon with no short cuts. The choices were to turn back before the half way point, walk the entire length or smash through a partition wall (my preferred choice if the fire alarm sounded). This was a long time ago so hopefully a fire safety officer expressed my feelings on the layout and made them do something about it.

    4. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Lost in IKEA? Don't be so f**ing feeble.

      "(when there were only two IKEA stores in the world)"

      World really was a better place back in the old days.

  3. Steve Davies 3 Silver badge

    Windows lost in Ikea?

    Windows lost the plot years ago so move along there, nothing to see.

    1. TRT Silver badge

      Re: Windows lost in Ikea?

      Written using self-assembly language?

      1. Rick Deckard

        Re: Windows lost in Ikea?

        And a Paul Allen key ......

      2. Rick Deckard

        Re: Windows lost in Ikea?

        And using a Paul Allen key....

  4. elsergiovolador Silver badge
  5. TRT Silver badge

    The screen is likely to show...

    An outline sketch of someone with a big nose looking confused with a question mark over their head, looking at a plate of meatballs, and then telephoning for instructions.

  6. Ochib

    For a real Ikea horror story

    Read SCP-3008

    1. Skiron

      Re: For a real Ikea horror story

      Haha that's so good it deserves a link:

      https://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/scp-3008

  7. Flak

    Follow the yellow-brick road

    IKEA is a bit like Stansted Airport air-side, where the distance from the entrance to exit / boarding gate is maximised. The only difference is that at IKEA you may find shortcuts - not so at the airport...

    1. Yet Another Anonymous coward Silver badge

      Re: Follow the yellow-brick road

      Ironically since when Stanstead opened it was the easiest airport. Designed like a train station, there were rows of checkin the full length of the building, then quick security a row of gates the full length of the building.

      There were no budget airlines, no shops and about 2 places to eat

  8. Mad Chaz

    Infinite ikea

    Oh the horror

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NcC-A3lG7yc

  9. herman Silver badge
    Paris Hilton

    Windows FP

    Hmm, the Windows Flat Pack Edition has lost a screw... it figures.

    Paris - since she lost a screw or two too...

  10. Potemkine! Silver badge
  11. sebacoustic

    > We've certainly spent many an hour toiling around the Croydon branch

    Not so funny for me, I came close to an actual panic attack at one point, albeit in the Warrington branch. I ended up at the checkouts, realised i'd left an important wallpaper sample behind in the textiles department, took a shortcut through a staircase rather than the whole snake path back, and got utterly lost for 30 minutes feeling nauseous and overstimulated, but then maybe I'm a bit autistic.

    1. TRT Silver badge

      On the way in they give you a stubby pencil, a bit of note paper, a paper measuring tape, a big yellow bag and a ball of string.

      Failing a ball of string, you could try leaving a trail of crumbled ryvita.

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        "You are standing in an open field west of a white house, with a boarded front door. There is a mailbox""

  12. Pangasinan Philippines

    IKEA coming our way soon

    Here in Manila, soon to open - they are hiring staff - the worlds largest IKEA at Mall of Asia.

    Bet you that nobody follows the arrows (just like in the malls).

    How do you get a flat-pack kitchen on a motor cycle?

    1. Kevin Fairhurst

      Re: IKEA coming our way soon

      In the U.K. you can rent a van directly at IKEA to get you home… they might have something similar, albeit with a jeepney…

      1. KBeee Silver badge

        Re: IKEA coming our way soon

        Driving in Manila... The Horror...

    2. TRT Silver badge

      Re: IKEA coming our way soon

      Good Lord! If the can't follow the directions on the floor how are they going to cope with the directions in the little leaflet?

    3. MachDiamond Silver badge

      Re: IKEA coming our way soon

      "How do you get a flat-pack kitchen on a motor cycle?"

      Use your favorite search engines for loads of photos on how to load 3 tons of stuff on a motorcycle. In Asia, it's easy to find examples. Why make two trips when you can pack everything on while leaving a 2cm^2 porthole to see out of?

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