back to article Devilish plans for your next app update ensure they never happen – unless you start praying

"Sign with the devil here." Do what? "Church of Satan. Jot your name on the form and we’ll email you details." That’s nice, I say, being able to register for demonic influence sent straight to your inbox. devil updates sw "Oh no no no, not at all. We don’t do demonic stuff." The church-goer explains that satan represents …

  1. b0llchit Silver badge
    Devil

    The devil's advocate

    At least you know that you cannot do anything wrong with the devil. Being "bad" or "good" is a matter of perspective and interpretation. We should all accept the devil's way. When we do, we may get angry without remorse. We may also cause anger, which should no longer be a problem with the ways of the devil. Therefore, a paradoxically peaceful and violent harmony must exist when we all go the devil's way. See, it is the only way.

    1. A.P. Veening Silver badge

      Re: The devil's advocate

      At the very least the devil always sticks to the contract, something I can't say for the side of the supposedly good.

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: At the very least the devil always sticks to the contract, ...

        I can well imagine the damned, whilst burning in eternal agony in a coruscating lake of fire, and lashed at with razor-tipped whips, thinking to themselves "Thank goodness the devil stuck exactly to the contract. Because I really would have been most upset if I'd been stiffed for 30% of the value and then ending up playing a harp for all eternity."

        :-)

        1. John Brown (no body) Silver badge

          Re: At the very least the devil always sticks to the contract, ...

          Always read the small print!!

          1. A.P. Veening Silver badge

            Re: At the very least the devil always sticks to the contract, ...

            Always read the small print!!

            That was the usual location for the escape clause.

          2. ThatOne Silver badge

            Re: At the very least the devil always sticks to the contract, ...

            > Always read the small print!!

            True, that's what microscopes were invented for. Use them!

    2. ThatOne Silver badge

      Re: The devil's advocate

      > the devil

      Which one? There is one who is just a generic scarecrow, the typical antagonist/scapegoat you can blame things on when they don't go as you wanted/expected/promised. Straight from the same bag as all the archetypal scapegoat baddies every civilization has conjured up since the dawn of time to placate its unruly masses. The grown-up version of the monster who would eat you if you didn't eat all your soup.

      The other one, if you read the Bible, isn't really some external superpower of "Evil" slugging it out with the forces of "Good", he's more God's prosecutor and agent in charge of all the dirty jobs. So no suave businessman with exquisite taste in tailor-made suits, he sounds more like a narrow-minded bureaucrat (which is actually way more scary...).

  2. Warm Braw Silver badge

    Buttering up the devil

    Confused him with the goat? Must be those cloven hooves.

    1. vtcodger Silver badge

      Re: Buttering up the devil

      Hey. Goats can't help it that their hoofs are cloven. I'm sure it they had a choice they would apt for paws or fingers or maybe tentacles. (Very useful--tentacles). Hoof-shaming is despicable conduct. You should be ashamed of yourself.

      1. Warm Braw Silver badge

        Re: Buttering up the devil

        You should be ashamed of yourself

        Are you questioning their cloven-ready deal?

        PS: I wasn't ashamed of myself, but I am now...

        1. Klimt's Beast Would

          Re: Buttering up the devil

          I read cloven-ready meal*

          * though I'd rather prefer a South Indian possibly veggie dish in a proper restaurant (that's you Ragam!). Bring on the Cobras...

  3. macjules Silver badge
    Coffee/keyboard

    Think Different for Death

    Icon says it all ->

    PS, The road to Hell is not in fact paved with good intentions. It is paved with frozen door-to-door salesmen. On weekends many of the younger demons go ice-skating down it. (Good Omens).

  4. gerdesj Silver badge
    Gimp

    Crime of the century

    "you’d think it had been the crime of the century"

    Try snogging a colleague (whilst being the Health Secretary) - that's a proper crime.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Crime of the century

      The crime should be employing your old flame from university in a job that bypassed all the rules on recruitment. The old flame also had business interests that made her an inappropriate candidate for the role. That she also turned out to be in an adulterous relationship with the minister who gave her the job may be more of moral issue, but having a knee trembler in the office would definitely result in getting the boot anywhere I've worked.

      1. Loyal Commenter Silver badge

        Re: Crime of the century

        Not to overstate the obvious, but I believe the actual issue here is of a Health Secretary making rules that affect everyone in the country (rightly or wrongly, I'm not getting involved in that debate, for there be idiots), and not following them himself.

        That, and using personal email for government business, thus sidestepping necessary accountability, giving out work to the guy who runs his local pub without proper procurement procedures (again, an issue with accountability), then pretending to not know the landlord in question, despite being on Zoom calls with a picture of the same pub on the wall behind him, which subsequently mysteriously disappeared, and all sorts of other instances of Tory donors mysteriously getting "fast-tracked" for lucrative government contracts with the health Department, with no oversight, or proper procurement procedures, despite being very demonstrably not the best choice in many cases.

        And if you think "Door Matt" (as John Crace likes to call him) is the only one up to these sorts of shenanigans in the corridors of power, I've got a selection of very nice bridges you might like to take a look at. Act fast, as they're selling out.

        Are we getting close yet?

        1. Cynic_999 Silver badge

          Re: Crime of the century

          But what happened to the old adage, "He who makes the rules can break the rules"?

          1. A.P. Veening Silver badge

            Re: Crime of the century

            But what happened to the old adage, "He who makes the rules can break the rules"?

            That was replaced by Murphy's Golden Rule: Whoever has the gold, makes the rules.

            1. Neil Barnes Silver badge

              Re: Crime of the century

              There's no point being rich and powerful if you have to follow all the same rules as the little people.

              1. yetanotheraoc

                Re: Crime of the century

                If you have to follow the same rules as the little people, you aren't powerful.

            2. macjules Silver badge

              Re: Crime of the century

              Replaced by Townshend's Law: "They decide and the shotgun sings the song"

          2. Anonymous Coward
            Anonymous Coward

            Re: Crime of the century

            That's never been a popular idea in the UK.

            It's often been expressed, and it's a standard feature/ bug of most countries, but not in a country that tried their king in a crown court for treason.

            Hence laws with loopholes, and officially discretionary powers.

        2. Claverhouse Silver badge

          Re: Crime of the century

          ... and using personal email for government business, thus sidestepping necessary accountability,

          .

          Lock Him Up !

        3. Chris G Silver badge

          Re: Crime of the century

          The actual issue boils down to a government minister whose behaviour and therefore his character, is patently dishonest.

          To his family, his constituents and the country on whose behalf he was paid to act.

          In the past, people have lost their heads for less.

          Even his resignation was dishonest, giving the impression this relationship was something new when he had already bugun to live with his aide.

          1. Loyal Commenter Silver badge

            Re: Crime of the century

            The actual issue boils down to a government minister whose behaviour and therefore his character, is patently dishonest.

            There, FTFY

      2. Outski Bronze badge

        Re: Crime of the century

        but getting caught having a knee trembler in the office would definitely result in getting the boot anywhere I've worked

        If only you and the other party are the only ones who know, and it was consensual, where's the harm? Presuming you didn't break the copier in the process...

        1. John Brown (no body) Silver badge

          Re: Crime of the century

          Yes, good point. A knee trembler in the office isn't a sackable offence. Getting caught (or found out) is!

          But then that's the case with all rules (and laws( :-)

  5. Dr_N Silver badge

    Councillor theft

    It may start out as just playground slide theft, but it's a slippery slope to more serious criminality.

    1. Dan 55 Silver badge

      Re: Councillor theft

      I see what you're getting at, in a roundabout way...

  6. Deimos

    I thought we’d settled this ?

    Didn’t we all agree that micro$oft was the root of all evil?

    In fact they actually found Mr Morningstar working in the MS HR department with specific responsibilities for hiring technical, QA and marketing daemons.

    1. Chris G Silver badge
      Devil

      Re: I thought we’d settled this ?

      That may be 'root of all evil' central but diversification in disruption is the way to go.

      Just look at some other major players and how they treat their employees and customers while wallowing in ill gotten gains.

      As I mentioned elsewhere, one particularly wealthy individual who owns a penis shaped rocket, bears a striking resemblance to Aleister Crowley.

      Other representatives of hell on Earth are available.

    2. Antron Argaiv Silver badge
      Devil

      Re: I thought we’d settled this ?

      Paging Simon Travaglia...BOFH to the white courtesy phone, please!

  7. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Randy virgin?

    1. Pascal Monett Silver badge

      They generally are.

      1. Paul Crawford Silver badge

        Being randy would suggest that hands go wandering, so are they virgins with themselves? And in which orifices?

        Would that count for any goat-worrying ceremonies?

  8. Doctor Syntax Silver badge

    "Doing stuff for the Hell of it with no real thought of the consequences… Isn’t this the very definition of disruptive design? Isn’t this the core value around which the whole modern IT industry revolves these days?"

    No, the core value of the modern IT industry and motive for disruptive design is what it always was: hopes of profit.

    Unfortunately the hopes are all too often fulfilled. The wages of sin are several good quarters.

    1. MisterHappy
      Coat

      Just a couple of quotes

      “The wages of sin is death but so is the salary of virtue, and at least the evil get to go home early on Fridays.” - Witches Abroad

      10 years earlier from 2000AD... "the wages of sin are death, but the hours are good and the perks are fantastic" - Anthrax Goulshadow (had to look up the name).

      1. Alistair Dabbs Silver badge

        Re: Just a couple of quotes

        Alan Moore? I know it can't be Pat Mills otherwise the quote would have been: "The wages of sin are death thanks to the cruel lickspittle lackeys of the capitalist system and monetarist Reaganomics, all of which is a sorry indictment of Thatcher's Britain".

        1. Dr_N Silver badge

          Re: Just a couple of quotes

          Is that from Pat Mill's seminal work on "Misty" ?

        2. amanfromMars 1 Silver badge

          Re: Just a couple of quotes to get things kick started

          Alan Moore? I know it can't be Pat Mills otherwise the quote would have been: "The wages of sin are death thanks to the cruel lickspittle lackeys of the capitalist system and monetarist Reaganomics, all of which is a sorry indictment of Thatcher's Britain". ..... Alistair Dabbs

          A sad sorry indictment indeed, AD, ..... however, whenever looking on the brighter side of the deeper dark side of the moon and loons, what is immediately apparent is that politics is swimming in a stagnant putrefying pool which is being drained of all life-giving nutrients in order to render inept adept practitioners drowned and disappeared in the myriad resultant putrid and petrifying swamps servering lip service to terrifying terrorising diaspora.

          Does that sound too much like an accurate descriptor of landscapes today to be anything different not so frightening and enlightening?

          Answers below please ......

          Yes, that's exactly it ... or .... No, it is surely not possible .... even as you ponder and invite doubt to supply the very likely probability it is definitely a present current available reality for Media Production entertaining Program Directions in Projected Master AI Pilots.

          Which makes for Novel Positions with Parts in an AWEsome Publishing Situation. And if that aint a Greater IntelAIgent Games Changer in Western Eyes it certainly will be to Eastern Hearts and Minds. Of that one can be fully assured and reassured. The Emergence of Truth and Honest Displays Effectively Guarantees it.

          1. Alistair Dabbs Silver badge

            Re: Just a couple of quotes to get things kick started

            Was that one of those random text generators?

            1. John Brown (no body) Silver badge
              Happy

              Re: Just a couple of quotes to get things kick started

              Are you new here? </rimshot> :-)))

            2. amanfromMars 1 Silver badge

              Re: Just a couple of quotes to get things kick started

              Was that one of those random text generators? ..... Alistair Dabbs

              No. Certainly not. And to believe and imagine it otherwise has one severely disadvantaged and catastrophically vulnerable to relentless exploitation by forces and sources beyond primitive comprehension.

              :-) Which is probably why textual structures are Registered here too for Peer Commentard and Situation Publishing Review .... Testing Subjects Objectively for Life before Death ‽ .

              1. jake Silver badge

                Re: Just a couple of quotes to get things kick started

                amfM, you know the rule about feeding trolls.

                1. amanfromMars 1 Silver badge

                  Re: Just a couple of quotes to get things kick started

                  amfM, you know the rule about feeding trolls. ... jake

                  Yes, sure do, jake, as would a Dabbsy/Registered Alistair Dabbs. Trolls are for the discouraged, not for the EMPowering.

                  Reporting on what is in the nature of a situation published is to admit to sharing what is past whenever the live vital action and overwhelming advantage is in the hosting of what is yet to be and already pending and causing consternation and massive disruption.

                  That was the seed feed being trialed and trailed for the benefit of others with much to offer hosts hosting and posting manna from heaven and honey from hell and for silly money on El Reg.

                  1. jake Silver badge

                    Re: Just a couple of quotes to get things kick started

                    "Trolls are for the discouraged, not for the EMPowering."

                    And the man from Mars promptly disappears in a puff of logic?

        3. genghis_uk Silver badge

          Re: Just a couple of quotes

          I am not sure that Alan Moore would have written it much differently to Pat Mills.

          Although his sense of humour is more defined, he is generally considered to be a little left of center (slight understatement)

  9. CuChulainn

    Pretty Reckless

    Of at a tangent, I had Pretty Reckless on my watch list for when they toured a few years ago.

    I got an alert, and immediately ordered tickets. When they arrived, they were actually the support band. For Evanescence.

    Serendipity.

    1. Alistair Dabbs Silver badge

      Re: Pretty Reckless

      Hmm, Evanescence... I'm not a fan. The singer has a voice like a theremin and I can only stand it for about 10 seconds.

      1. CuChulainn

        Re: Pretty Reckless

        You're probably right. I'm not a huge fan, but at the time they were big and I like to see bands at least once (unless I hate them).

  10. Blofeld's Cat Silver badge
    Devil

    Sign here ...

    "I, Alistair Dabbs, hereinafter and in the hereafter to be known as 'The Damned' ..."

  11. Dante Alighieri Bronze badge
    Devil

    Laundry Files

    You'll be signing the Official Secrets Act section 3 in blood very shortly.

    If Robert "Bob" Oscar Francis Howard knocks on your door with a double lens camera...

    DoI currently binging on Charles Stross's above mentioned series

    1. TomPhan

      Re: Laundry Files

      As a follow up check out the Lovecraft Investigations podcast from the BBC. It's three of HPL's stories interwoven with Julien Simpsons "Pleasant Green" mythos, which has a lot of conceptual overlap with the Laundry Files world.

      1. Mooseman Silver badge

        Re: Laundry Files

        "check out the Lovecraft Investigations podcast from the BBC"

        That was rather good wasn't it? A nice modern slant on the whole mythos.

        1. TomPhan

          Re: Laundry Files

          https://infodump.ghost.io/radio-and-podcasts/ for the related dramas.

  12. herman Silver badge

    Flying car

    OK, I just could not that slide. A flying car just flew across Slovakia and drove into Bratislava, over the UFO bridge:

    https://edition.cnn.com/2021/06/30/business/flying-car-flight-slovakia-scli-intl/index.html

    1. John Brown (no body) Silver badge

      Re: Flying car

      Yeah, but is a flying car that needs to go to an airport to take off and land really all that much use?

      I need to go to Sunderland. Let's see, nearest airport to me is Newcastle. About a half hour drive to the airport. Now, where can I land? Checks for nearest airport to Sunderland. Err...that'll be Newcastle. Shit! Might as well just drive there.

      1. Terry 6 Silver badge

        Re: Flying car

        Also. Actual cars run on defined roads, with a precise set of rules and physical controls to prevent ( or at least minimise) collisions. And if the drivers do make a mistake - or act like idiots- they don't plummet.

        So -- even if there were places to park a flying car -- it'd need an awful lot of futuristic tech to actually prevent carnage.

        1. Doctor Syntax Silver badge

          Re: Flying car

          "if there were places to park a flying car"

          Multi-story car parks. Don't even need the ramps.

          1. Down not across Silver badge

            Re: Flying car

            Given how challenging managing X- and Y-axis with their cars appears to be for many people, is adding Z-axis really a good idea?

            1. Terry 6 Silver badge

              Re: Flying car

              It's worse than that. A car's x/y axis are kept within defined parameters. (side of the road/white lines between directions or lanes.)

              A flying vehicle can have no visible lane controls or directional lanes to avoid cutting across right angles.. So there'd have to be a very responsive and reliable geo-fences

          2. Anonymous Coward
            Anonymous Coward

            Re: Flying car

            Air? Plenty of space there, I’ve been told.

  13. Irony Deficient Silver badge

    Not evangelical, of course, …

    … but not particularly, er, evdemonical either it turns out.

    The word is “eudaemonic”, from Ancient Greek εὐδαιμονικός (“blissful”).

    1. Throatwarbler Mangrove Silver badge
      Devil

      Re: Not evangelical, of course, …

      So, wait . . . if eudaimonia is bliss, and evangelism is the opposite of eudaimonia, then what you're saying is . . . it all makes sense now! Hopefully this logic tracks and all the evangelicals wind up in Hell.

      1. Irony Deficient Silver badge

        Re: Not evangelical, of course, …

        The catch is in the second half of your protasis; the opposite of eudaemonia is not evangelism, but rather dysdaemonia. Evangelism is orthogonal to eudaemonia — e.g. someone could evangelize on a topic that brings another person bliss, e.g. on the revelations from a pint of plain.

    2. Pen-y-gors Silver badge
      Headmaster

      Re: Not evangelical, of course, …

      Yes, but...

      evangelist is from eu- (good) -angelos (messenger) - good bringer

      so really it should be something like cacangelical (bad messenger) not evdemonical

      (c.f. cacophony)

      ...but the joke wouldn't have been as funny that way

  14. cmdrklarg

    Heaven and Hell

    This fellow who had worked in advertising/marketing died and, upon entering heaven, met St. Peter. St. Peter said, "In the interest of fairness, we want to give you the option to stay here in heaven, or to go to hell. You can look around here for a few minutes, then go visit hell for a while before you decide. The catch is that your decision is final--no changing your mind."

    So, the fellow started walking around heaven; what he saw, he thought to be a bit boring. People were playing horseshoes, bridge, drinking tea. It wasn't bad, but it did look kind of slow. He mentioned this to St. Peter, and asked for his visit to hell before his decision.

    Immediately, he found himself standing in front of two huge doors imprinted with "HELL." Expecting the handle to be hot, he reached gingerly for it. Surprisingly, the handle was cool to the touch. Proceeding through the doors, he found a flurry of activity. People were standing around eating, drinking, dancing--in general having a great time. The marketing fellow thought that this looked like much more fun than heaven, so he promptly returned to St. Peter and told him that he had chosen hell.

    Once again, he found himself in front of the huge doors. Reaching to open the door, he scorched his hand on the blisteringly hot handle. After entering, he was faced with a wall of flame, and he could hear horrendous screaming and moaning. He stood there, incredulous. The devil walked up and asked if there was some problem. "Yes," the fellow replied, "I was just down here ten minutes ago, and it wasn't hot, and people were partying and having a great time! What happened?"

    "Well," the devil replied, "that was a demo!!"

    1. TheProf Silver badge
      Devil

      Re: Heaven and Hell

      'All right lads, tea break's over. Back to standing on your heads.'

      1. skeptical i
        Devil

        Re: Heaven and Hell

        "Yesterday we were recruiting, now you're on staff."

        Variation on the "demo" punchline.

      2. marcellothearcane

        Re: Standing on heads

        But they just turned me the right way up yesterday!

  15. bobkn

    For our British friends, a bit of trivia: "whizz" (with two zeds) is usually used as a verb, meaning to piss. A "whiz" (one zed) is more like a boffin.

    1. HildyJ Silver badge
      Angel

      More Zeds

      A wizard is a wizard or a whiz but a wizzard is Rincewind.

      1. Daedalus Silver badge

        Re: More Zeds

        And a Wizzard is Roy Wood in some bizarre makeup.

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      'Round 'ere, pissing may be referred to as " 'avin' a wazz".

      Much less ambiguous.

    3. no user left unlocked

      Ahhh

      For us rightpondians whizz as a verb has always meant speedy, I doubt the Beano would have gone with Billy Whizz otherwise......

      I can't think of ever seeing whiz before but we use wiz as an alternative to boffin, just a shortening of wizard.

      1. James Anderson

        Re: Ahhh

        Pity Viz never had a “Billy Waz” character.

        1. ItWasn'tMe

          Re: Ahhh

          Would he always be taking the piss?

  16. the Jim bloke Silver badge
    Devil

    Satanism has been rebadged, its now the Incels

    Clueless frustrated immature males, trying to compensate for their inadequacies with magical thinking.

    The whole christianity/satanism thing strikes me as a team jacob/ team edward thing, supposedly diametrically opposed but still characters out of the same franchise.

  17. Daedalus Silver badge

    Just a thought....

    When are you most likely to take a taxi? When the weather is too bad for walking.

    When are you least likely to be able to take an air taxi?

  18. AndrueC Silver badge

    Do NOT mock Columbo

    That guy was good. He even (very rarely(*)) swore). 'Just one more thing' - if we all applied ourselves to little things a bit more we'd get better results. The little things are often overlooked.

    :)

    (*)I think he swears (mildly) at a traffic warden.

    1. AndrueC Silver badge
      Facepalm

      Re: Do NOT mock Columbo

      Bah, I got it wrong. it's Columbo Undercover. He also gets pistol whipped during this investigation.

      Not that I'm a closet fan or anything..

      A rarely seen episode.

  19. Fruit and Nutcase Silver badge
    Joke

    An Apple a day

    [no longer] keeps the Doctor away.

    It’s easy to snicker at Apple having to admit its products are potentially harmful to one’s own health,

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